Every relationship based upon this rule is guaranteed to glitter, be it between spouses, siblings, friends, businessmen, corporations and even entire nations.

Unfortunately, simple as it is to understand, the Golden Rule is not as widely followed. What is far more rampantly practised instead is another twisted, pernicious, tit-for-tat rule—treat others like others treat you! I call this the Rusty Rule. Rusty, because all it does is corrode the bonds it touches. It fuels such feelings as revenge, retaliation, punishment and justice at any cost. And the result is for all to see. For instance, one country bullies the other [flouts The Golden Rule], and the other responds in like manner [applies The Rusty Rule] and soon we have a full-blown war where everyone loses. But in spite of it being a lose-lose proposition, almost everyone defends the Rusty Rule, forgetting entirely that eye for an eye can only make the whole world blind.

A lose-lose proposition

A case in point is the 2012 tragic incident—a spat between Chadha brothers Hardeep and Gurdeep [Ponty] turned violent with both getting killed at their New Delhi farmhouse, a property that was apparently under dispute. According to news reports, while Hardeep shot his own brother in a fit of rage, he was in turn shot by Gurdeep’s personal security guards.

Clearly, not only the Golden Rule was flouted, the Rusty Rule was applied forcefully. The Chadha brothers became sworn enemies of each other—because each wanted to be treated in a way that he was not willing to treat the other. My guess is that even if one of them would have followed The Golden Rule, they would still be living. What’s more, in all likelihood, the other would have come around too, sooner or later, and the dispute would’ve resolved amicably.

While most of us are, thankfully, not involved in any major feud like the Chadha brothers, we do have ample opportunities in our daily lives to apply the Golden Rule. More often than not though, we end up following the Rusty Rule automatically when we react to others’ thoughts, deeds and actions. So many serious conflicts will be averted and so many relationships will be saved if only more of us adopt the Golden Rule as the default setting when dealing with others.

Put yourself in the other’s position

Do not underestimate the transformational power of the Golden Rule. Besides being the most effective way to forge lasting and meaningful bonds, it’s the best defuser of potentially explosive situations. How about trying out the Golden Rule in your life—with your family, at work, or even in traffic? If someone makes a mistake, even if it’s a terrible one by your standards, stop for a few moments, and try putting yourself in his/her position. Ask yourself: how would I like to be treated if I had committed the same mistake? Then proceed to treat the other accordingly.

Of course, we ought to remember also that we have no control over others. Which means, even if you follow the Golden Rule, the other may not reciprocate in kind. But that should not dissuade you from putting it into practice. For it may not change the other but it will transform you in ways you may not have imagined. And it will bring you peace of mind even as it fills your life with fresh energy.

The post Why we need the Golden Rule appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In 1984, I discovered Aikido and found that this martial art and the art of intelligent communication have much in common. I also found that practising Aikido helped me to be a more skilled communicator. As a martial art, Aikido is flowing, dance-like and powerful. As a communication metaphor, it represents a different and more elegant way to exchange ki [life energy].

We are, always and everywhere, giving and receiving life energy in the ways we speak, move and act. When we are centered and aware, we communicate more intentionally. This is just one of the things Aikido teaches.

Aikido also physically embodies critical communication skills, such as active listening, empathy and perspective taking, and offers ways to re-pattern unhelpful communication habits. For example, in everyday life, the Aikido metaphor plays out when you acknowledge someone’s comments and paraphrase what you hear. You’re also practising communication Aikido whenever you listen with curiosity to an opposing view or search for mutual understanding, respect and purpose.

Aikido: The Art of Peace

Morihei Ueshiba, a highly skilled and renowned Japanese swordsman and martial artist, developed Aikido in the early 20th century. The word Aikido is often translated as “the way of blending or harmonising with energy” or more simply “The Art of Peace.” Aikido principles such as blending [stepping out of the line of the attack and moving alongside the attacker] and non-resistant leading [joining and redirecting the incoming energy, or ki]—are used and taught throughout the world as a system to de-escalate conflict and build stability, flexibility and presence. In Aikido, the attack is reframed as power that can be developed and guided. The Aikidoist does not resist, block or harm the opponent. What would normally be understood as an act of violence is seen simply as energy to be utilised.

After many years of practising and teaching Aikido and applying its principles in the workplace, I’ve found that things change dramatically when you reframe an attack as incoming energy that can be guided toward a mutually agreeable outcome. It changes how we communicate, listen, and manage conflict. And I’ve found that certain practices and attitudes from Aikido are particularly useful when communicating in difficult circumstances.

1. Reframing

In Aikido, it is often said that the opponent’s attack is a gift of energy. With this shift of mindset, I stop resisting and instead connect with my partner. In communication, this might take the form of asking a direct question: “Can you tell me more about why you think this is the best solution?” or acknowledging a feeling: “ You sound concerned that the direction we’re taking may not be the best one.”

2. Non-judgement

As human beings, we are experts at forming judgements about everything. For example, if during a conversation, you begin to draw conclusions about who’s right and who’s wrong, you will find it difficult to stay open to possibility. Once we judge someone as a problem, that’s all we see in them and we miss their more open, empathetic parts. Becoming non-judgemental is a practice, and the first step is noticing that you’re doing it.

3. Curiosity and inquiry

The antidote to judgement is a mindset of curiosity and inquiry. This mindset will empower you and keep your communication safe and on track. People who are sincerely curious, ask honest and open-ended questions, such as:

• 

  How did you feel when that happened?

• What were you hoping for?
• What do you think is the best solution here?
• What would you like me to do differently?

It may be difficult at first to ask questions when you really want to push for your way. But remember that listening is not agreement. Listening gives you needed information and reduces tension and resistance on both sides.

When I’m teaching Aikido on the mat, I see the physical embodiment of curiosity and listening each time the person receiving the attack steps out of the way, slides to the attacker’s side, and faces the same direction as the attacker. In communication, we do this when we ask a question that helps us see what the other person is seeing.

4.  Appreciation

In communication situations, when you encounter resistance to your message, the last thing you probably want to do is appreciate that resistance.  Yet, that’s exactly what we do in Aikido when we manage a physical attack by joining and leading it.

Our skill in communication lies in our ability to identify the resistance and help the communicator to express it. For example, “I’m not sure I understand, can you say more?” Without something to push against, the resistance turns into energy we can join and lead toward further understanding and problem solving.

This is verbal Aikido. And you practice it when you:

• Ask the other person more about his or her concerns.
• Name the resistance, as in, “Are you frustrated by what just happened?”
• Be quiet and let the other person fill the silence.
• Don’t take it personally.

Being heard

The Aikido of Communication also includes educating others about where you stand. Through reframing, non-judgement, curiosity and appreciation, you have reduced resistance and created an opening for your ideas to be heard.

As you create the opening to advocate for your point of view, the following steps will help.

• Educate. When it’s time to share your point of view, don’t assume the other person can see it. Teach him what things look like from your point of view.
• Communicate your hopes and goals. For example, “When you said you would have the spreadsheet ready by Tuesday, I took you at your word. My hope is that we all recognise the importance of deadlines on a project that’s as time sensitive as this one. Can you tell me what happened and what we can do to remedy the situation?”
• Remain curious. Don’t forget that everything you experience is filtered through your perception. As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand.”
• Centre yourself and extend positive energy. In Aikido, we remain centred and focussed on a mutually beneficial outcome. In life and business, you do the same when your language and manner are poised and flexible, and you make your adversary a partner by honouring her viewpoint and positive intent.

Morihei Ueshiba said to “always practise the Art of Peace in a vibrant and joyful manner.” Aikidoists try to remember this as we throw each other around the mat, smiling and having fun while we practise to perfect our technique. Practising Aikido concepts as we talk, listen and acknowledge each other will allow us to become more aware and mindful, and more skilful in our communication.

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When my husband picked on me

One night during the three week period, my children and I came home after another fun but exhausting day. The kids were starving, so I went straight to the kitchen to make some rice noodles for dinner. As the water was boiling in the pot, I thought I’d take advantage of those few minutes to go to the computer, check my email, and open Facebook to catch up with some friends.

I had only planned to be on the computer for a few minutes, but my husband apparently didn’t think it was the most appropriate time for me to go on the computer.

“You’re on the computer already? Can’t you wait until the kids go to sleep?” he complained.

Sigh.

“And the water you’re boiling for the rice noodles, you know you can save money and time if you heat the water first in the tea kettle?”

Boy, did that make my blood boil! It was the end of the day and I was exhausted, and I just wanted to get food on the table so that my kids could hit the sack. And here my husband was picking on me. So I reacted… automatically. And he reacted to my reaction. And, well, it kind of blew up and it wasn’t pretty.

How I got unSTUCK

The scene continued until I realised that I was stuck, at which point I said, “I’m stopping!”

And while my husband tried to throw in another word [“Why can’t I give you advice without you getting offended?”], I Stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and suddenly, there was silence.

My husband knew I was processing through The S.T.U.C.K. Method.

I Told myself I was stuck on agitation.

I Uncovered my beliefs and checked the accuracy of them.

I believed, after a long day, my husband should be commending me, not criticising me—and he’s always criticising me!

Shira, is he criticising you?

I believed I have every right to be on the computer, whenever I want.

True, but was that really the best time, keeping in mind the needs of your family?

I believed my husband reprimands me all the time.

Come on, Shira, you know that’s not true.

Recognising that my story wasn’t so stable, I was able to come up with some other possible considerations.

I Considered that maybe my husband was right about boiling the water, and I was just being self-righteous for not listening to him.

I Considered that I could have gone to the computer after the kids went to sleep—none of my work was really pressing anyway.

I Considered that I could have noticed that my husband was doing the dishes that I had left in the sink from earlier that morning and that maybe he was frustrated for having to wash them.

I Considered that I didn’t acknowledge my husband today for his work and for being a dependable husband and father.

I Considered that my husband had no clue that I was even seeking acknowledgement from him. He cannot read my mind, and I can’t expect him to.

I Considered that I could have acknowledged myself for the creativity, patience, and strength I maintained for my children this entire week.

I Considered that I could have just let it go, acknowledge we were both exhausted, and neither of us were intentionally trying to hurt one another.

I chose to recognise my husband’s exhaustion, let the situation go, and acknowledge myself for the efforts I had made that day.

My husband apparently let it go, too.

I had got stuck on agitation, and it’s OK.

Getting stuck happens to all of us but I am grateful that I caught it when I did and that the conflict didn’t explode into something bigger than it needed to be.

I still had four days left of the vacation. And from my new standpoint, I was able to look forward to spending each one of those days with my children and coming home to my beloved husband who always has the best intentions.

The post This is how you defuse a conflict before it explodes appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The view was breathtaking; the brilliant azure of the Arabian Sea, its vastness making the ships in the distance look like tiny boats. The cool breeze was refreshing, to the say least. I was visiting my friend Ria and her brother for lunch at her new apartment. It was a lovely setting for some amazing conversations. But the only person Ria spoke about was her ex-husband.

As we were about to start eating, as if on cue, the doorbell rang; there was a letter for her—from her ex. She ripped it open and started reading it. Her face turned red and she stormed out of the living room, booted her computer and began drafting a reply, completely unmindful of leaving us behind at the table.

Her brother went to call Ria back. I overheard their exchange. “Your friend is waiting and the food is becoming cold too.” She started screaming at him about how important writing her reply was. Through the muffled argument I heard him say, “You enjoy this, don’t you?” Immediately she shrieked, “What the hell do you mean, I enjoy this? This man has taken the last six years of my life and he continues to harass me.”

After she banged out the introduction of her reply, she returned with her brother in tow. While her brother apologised for the rude behaviour, Ria said nothing at first. She then started her usual diatribe of how her ex was mistreating her and how he said this, did that and always wanted something or the other. While I felt sorry for my friend and her predicament, all she did was talk about her ‘story’. I had seen her life change so that it revolved only around her ex—when she wasn’t writing to him or talking about him, she was thinking of ways to get back at him. And this had been going on for six years!

Feeding the anger

Something about her brother’s observation that Ria was “enjoying this” resonated with me. Because unless you enjoy something, why would you do it? Ask anyone who has had a prolonged issue with someone—property disputes between siblings, bitter divorces, estrangement between parents and children. They’ll blame the actions of their opponent—their emails, letters, phone calls, meetings—for making them feel hurt, undervalued, angry, sad, disappointed. But there’s something they won’t tell you—that they enjoy it.

People put a lot of energy into their situation not realising that by doing so they are feeding it till eventually the situation becomes their life story. Now, from the moment they wake up to the time they fall asleep [and even in their dreams], all they think about is their situation and the person who they hold responsible for it. That’s what happens when you feed anger—it becomes a part of you such that without it you begin to feel empty, incomplete.

I had my ‘story’ too

I connected with Ria’s brother’s statement because I too had my own story. As long as there are relationships, there will be conflicts and I had my share. I was the ‘victim’ in my story and so I felt I had every right to tell my story. After all, we were best friends and after what I did for her, how could she do that to me? I justified. I rationalised. I knew the hatred was eating me from the inside but it took me a while to figure how much I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t realise just how much I enjoyed being angry at this person till I decided to forgive her.

Most of you would probably think, “Am I supposed to do nothing while someone attacks me?” Of course not! What I have discovered is that there are ways to handle hurtful situations without putting negative energy into them.

So how do you know if you are feeding your ‘situation’ or dealing with it? Here are three ways I have figured out.

You talk about it ALL the time

For a full year, I would tell people the story of how horrendous a person Simone, my former best friend, was and how she had hurt me. Then one day I realised that people were fed up of listening to my rant, so I stopped. But Simone had also had feuds with my other friends, who would whine and criticise her and I would join in. The energy from those conversations seemed to be filling something in me. I began noticing that I felt energised by the nasty, mean, negative power that arose from those exchanges.

I believe that when you talk about someone, it’s like you invite them to hang out with you. So even if they aren’t physically present, they are with you… and then you wonder why it’s hard to get rid of the situation you are in.

My friends still hate Simone, but I’ve chosen to try and not hate her. I say try because forgiveness is a constant tug-of-war that you have consciously practice; while you do learn to let go, there are still some days that you want to hold on.

How to deal with this

These are some of the things that I find work:

• Avoid starting a conversation about the person
• If anyone else starts, and if it’s negative, don’t engage
• In the event that you can say something nice, do
• Try to talk in as positive terms as possible
• If people ask you about the incident, for instance if you’ve divorced, talk about the facts rather than the kind of person they were, because that feeds the emotions.

You spend ALL your time doing work related to this

Thankfully this is not something I’ve experienced directly. But I have observed Ria’s life—her daily itinerary is blocked with lawyer meetings, writing correspondence, reading about other people’s divorce stories and visits to the therapists. There is very little else going on in her life. But the thing is, that when you want to do something, you find the time to do it, because you make the time for it.

I know of people who have their own ‘situations’ and have to spare time to attend to whatever the situation demands. But they manage to find the time to meet their friends, go for a movie or a play. They are dealing with what is happening but it’s not their sole focus.

How to deal with this

• Try and get yourself in neutral gear. When you feel anger welling up inside you because of what that person said or did, stop and ask yourself if a random person said or did those things to you, would you still feel the same way? It’s our equation with that person that blinds us.
• If it’s a legal matter like in the case of property disputes, appoint a lawyer to handle it for you.
• We unconsciously tend to channel our negative emotions, especially when the issue is an emotionally charged one. So if you need to reply, get a family member or a wise friend to write it on your behalf. They will be far more objective in their approach.
• Make the time to do other things. Time away always helps bring back peace of mind. How about going off on a short vacation?

You avoid solving the problem conclusively

Our high involvement with the situation is due to the closeness of the relationship that has soured. In all probability, you once loved this person so you struggle for their attention even now. If being in this negative space is the only way you can get it, you will continue to feed the situation instead of allowing a resolution.

How to deal with this

• Once you have decided to let go of your anger, sit down with this person and decide what the next step forward is
• When you have reached a decision, set a deadline for the outcome
• Also agree on the penalties if either of you go back on your word.

In cases of prolonged conflict people will constantly push you even if you don’t engage them. So you need to decide what to do if they go back on their word. Perhaps you may contemplate a complete ‘no-contact’ with this person. If you do make such a decision, make sure it comes from a place for forgiveness rather than fear and anger.

If you have been having a prolonged tussle with someone, may be it’s time to stop and ask yourself: Am I enjoying being angry at them? Am I attached to my story with them? Am I feeding the situation? What would my life look like without this story?

The answers could free you up—like they freed me.

 This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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