Being people friendly helped me get the position

I have been working in one of the most technical industries [IT] for over 12 years. I’ve observed and experienced firsthand how being able to deal competently with people gives you an edge. I’ve also spent the last few years deliberately improving my life. One aspect of this process has been overcoming my shyness. And overall, this has improved my self-esteem and self-confidence.

When I had a job interview in July 2015, I was a different person than in 2010 when I got my previous position. With my improved set of interpersonal skills I was able to navigate the recruitment process more effectively. My professional skills had not improved as much in the past five years, but I was able to impress my new employer with my new found self-confidence. I was hired for a team leader position even though I had no relevant experience.

This is the natural order of things. A job interview is a process too condensed for anyone to be able to check your knowledge thoroughly, especially when someone is hired for a technical position. Also, people from HR departments always have a say in the hiring process. For them, it’s important how a candidate behaves; how firm is his handshake, does he smile, was he on time and other such small but relevant details.

These assessments, and other, similar nuances during an interview have very little to do with how the new employee will handle his technical duties. You can learn from my experience: your people skills will multiply your technical skills and experience during the hiring process. This means that even if your technical skills are just ‘average’, you may make a better impression during a job interview than an introverted ‘expert’ who clearly feels uncomfortable in such situations. I can imagine that the importance of people skills only increases when it comes to non-technical positions.

But getting hired is only the opening of a door. Once employed, you show yourself to be a better worker, if your communication skills are better. Your people skills determine in a big way your chances for career advancement and a salary raise. Compared to an introverted genius, you simply know how to show up on the radar of your managers and how to conduct a conversation with them about a salary raise when the right time comes.

Here’s a handful of the most impactful people skills

Conversing

So many people have trouble with this basic human communication tool. Introverts—roughly half the population—like to be left alone. The other half of the population loves the sound of their voice all too much.

The most important conversation subskill is active listening: asking questions and listening to answers, instead of preparing your own lines while paying little attention to what the opposite person in saying. It’s great for introverts, because it’s less taxing for them. It’s beneficial for extroverts who tend to talk too much and think too little about the viewpoints being expressed by others. Conversation skills can be developed. Are you a shrinking violet [like I was a few years back]? Then begin by making eye contact and smiling at others.

Negotiation

This skill is part of not only business life, but social life in general. You can bully your kids a few times into doing household chores, but it is so much better to negotiate some ‘deal’ with them.

I restrict my teenagers’ time in front of the computer; their machines are password protected. They know that they have to keep order in their rooms, help with chores and do their schoolwork. I’ll only type in the password once they have contributed as we’ve agreed.

Persuasion

Many times there is no clear “something for something” situation, but you need the final output nonetheless. Persuasion is also a universal tool, for work, business and family life. People work much better when they are convinced they’ve chosen their path themselves and were not forced into it. A leader needs sometimes to exercise persuasion, but not manipulation. There is a thin line between the two and it takes empathy and emotional intelligence to recognize on which side you stand. A manager isn’t effective without being a leader as well. It takes so much less effort when people follow you willingly, instead of waiting to be coerced into action

Appreciation

Speaking of “working better,” do you know the number one motivating factor for employees? It’s appreciation of their work.

The same goes with parenting. I know all too well, that physical and social evolution has primed me to search for my children’s faults and correct their ways. It was natural in prehistoric times, when humans lived in caves and dangers were all around. If you didn’t protect kids from their mistakes, their errors could prove fatal to them. So pointing out their mistakes comes naturally to us. However, praising and appreciating them may require a conscious effort. This applies are work place too. Look for the good things in people and communicate it to them.

Integrity

Integrity is a private and internal quality, yet simultaneously it is the ultimate people skill that binds all the others. Integrity breeds trust. When people trust you, arguments are fewer, persuasion is easier and when you praise them, they know you mean it. Integrity is saying what you think, and doing what you say. It’s very easy to start cultivating it, even if you have zero inclination to be social. You don’t need to reach out to others, either; integrity starts in your own bubble.

Keep your promises, especially those made to yourself. Let your actions follow your declarations. You don’t need to toot your own horn; people notice integrity when it shows up.

Conclusion

If you want to develop people skills, start studying them. And then dedicate yourself to practice. It’s well worth the effort.

The post Do you have these 5 essential people skills? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But you also know the other feeling: You meet someone, you try to be friendly, to make a good impression but everything goes wrong. There are uncomfortable silences. You fish for topics. You bump into each other as you both start at once and then both stop. You try to lighten the mood and he looks as if you punched him in the stomach. Whatever you do to make things better makes them worse.

If conversation always followed the first pattern, I wouldn’t have to write this article. If it always followed the second, no one would ever talk to anyone and nothing would get done. Talk is mostly somewhere in the middle. Sometimes what people say seems to make perfect sense and sometimes it sounds a little odd. If someone doesn’t quite get our point, we let it go, the talk continues, and no one pays much attention.

But if an important outcome hangs on the conversation—if it’s a job interview or a business meeting—the results can be very serious. And if the conversation is with the most important person in your life, the little hitches can become big ones. Then, you can’t not pay attention.

If this happens all the time—at home, at work, or in routine day-to-day encounters, so that you feel misunderstood all the time and never quite understand what others are getting at—you start to doubt your own ability, or even your sanity.

Sometimes what people say seems to make perfect sense and sometimes it sounds a little odd

For example, Natasha is applying for a job as office manager at the headquarters of an ice-cream distributor—a position she’s well qualified for. Her last job, although it was called ‘administrative assistant’, actually involved running the whole office, and she did a great job. But at the interview, she never gets a chance to explain this. The interviewer does all the talking, Natasha leaves feeling frustrated—and she doesn’t get the job. Or at home: Tina and Ajay have a good marriage. They love each other and are quite happy. But a recurring source of tension is that Tina often feels that Ajay doesn’t really listen to her. He asks her a question, but before she can answer, he asks another—or starts to answer it himself. When they get together with Ajay’s friends, the conversation goes so fast, Tina can’t get a word in edgewise. Afterwards, Ajay complains that she was too quiet, though she certainly isn’t quiet when she gets together with her friends. Ajay thinks it’s because she doesn’t like his friends, but the only reason Tina doesn’t like them is that she feels they ignore her—and she can’t find a way to get into their conversation.

Sometimes strains in a conversation reflect real differences between people: they are angry with each other; they really are at cross-purposes. But sometimes strains and kinks develop when there really are no basic differences of opinion, when everyone is sincerely trying to get along. This is the type of miscommunication that drives people crazy. And it is usually caused by differences in conversational style. To say something and see it taken to mean something else; to try to be helpful and be thought pushy; to try to be considerate and be called cold; to try to establish a rhythm so that talk will glide effortlessly about the room, only to end up feeling like a conversational clod who can’t pickup the beat—such failure at talk undermines one’s sense of competence and of being a right sort of person.

Kiran’s mother-in-law had the habit of coming to visit with her dog: a cute but nervous and not yet house-trained little creature who barked at Kiran’s dog and caused a general ruckus. Kiran tried politely to let her mother-in-law know that she didn’t want her to bring the dog. She said, “You shouldn’t bring your dog because it’s not fair to him. He gets upset and barks at our dog, and then you have to lock him up, so he’s not comfortable.” The mother-in-law thanked Kiran for her concern but assured her that the dog was fine during the visits. So Kiran had to be more direct and say that she didn’t like having the dog there. The mother-in-law didn’t take offence, but Kiran was angry because she felt her mother-in-law had forced her to be rude. She complained to her husband, Dev, “Why do I always have to spell things out for her?”

It wasn’t until Kiran heard my explanation of indirectness that it occurred to her that the problem was different conversational styles rather than her mother-in-law’s obstinate character. She saw for the first time that what she had thought of as being polite was actually indirect and possibly not clear communication. For his part, Dev often offended and upset Kiran’s mother by being too direct, by saying For example, “I don’t want to do that” instead of “Well, I’ll see what I can do,” refusing only after giving the impression of having tried.

What some would call honesty was rudeness to Kiran. For example, when a new friend, Priya, called to bow out of a dinner invitation by explaining she was just too tired, Kiran was offended. Just being tired didn’t seem sufficient reason to back out, so giving it as a reason seemed to show callousness towards the invitation. An appropriate excuse would have been that Priya didn’t feel well or that something unexpected had come up—whether or not it was true.

Kiran never repeated the invitation, and she invented the appropriate excuses when Priya invited her. And that was the end of the budding friendship.

Sometimes strains and kinks develop when there really are no basic differences of opinion, when everyone is sincerely trying to get along

Talking makes our worlds

In this way, our personal worlds are shaped by conversation—not only with family, friends, and co-workers but also in public. Whether the world seems a pleasant or a hostile place is largely the result of the cumulative impression of seemingly insignificant daily encounters: dealings with shop assistants, bank clerks, bureaucratic officials, cashiers, and telephone operators.

When these relatively minor exchanges are smooth and pleasant, we feel [without thinking about it] that we are doing things right. But when they are strained, confusing, or seemingly rude, our mood can be ruined and our energy drained. We wonder what’s wrong with them—or us. Indirectness, ways of using questions or refusing politely, are aspects of conversational style.

We also send out signals by how fast we talk, how loudly, by our intonation and choice of words, as well as by what we actually say and when. These linguistic gears are always turning, driving our conversations, but we don’t see them because we think in terms of intentions [rude, polite, interested] and character [she’s nice, he’s not]. Despite good intentions and good character all around—our own [which we take for granted] and others’ [which we easily doubt]—we find ourselves caught in miscommunication because the very methods, and the only methods, we have of communicating are not, as they seem, self-evident and ‘logical’. Instead, they differ from person to person, even within an apparently quite homogeneous society.

A lot of seemingly inexplicable behaviour—signs of coming closer or pulling back—occurs because others react to our style of talking in ways that lead them to conclusions we never suspect.

Can we do something about this?

What can we do to avoid such misunderstandings in fleeting or intimate conversations? In some cases, we can alter our styles with certain other people. And we may try to clarify our intentions by explaining them, though that can be tricky. We usually don’t know when there has been a misunderstanding. And even if we do, few people are willing to go back and pick apart what they’ve just said or heard. Just letting others know that we’re paying attention to how they talk can make them nervous.

Trying to be direct with someone who isn’t used to it just makes things worse—as Kiran felt angry that her mother-in-law forced her to be rude by ‘spelling things out’. People intent on finding hidden meanings will look more and more desperately for the unexpressed intentions underlying our intended ‘direct’ communication.

Often the most effective repair is to change the frame—the definition or the tone of what’s going on—not by talking about it directly but by speaking in a different way, exhibiting different assumptions, and hence triggering different responses in the person we’re talking to.

But the most important thing is to be aware that misunderstandings can arise, and with them tempers, when no one is crazy and no one is unkind and no one is intentionally dishonest. We can learn to stop and remind ourselves that others may not mean what we heard them say. Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations.

This article is meant to assure you that when conversations seem to be causing more problems than they’re solving you aren’t losing your mind. And you may not have to lose [if you don’t want to] your friendship, your partner, or your money to the ever-gaping jaws of differences in conversational style.

Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations

Metamessages: It’s not what you say but how you say it

You’re sitting in a coffee shop or at a party—and suddenly you feel lonely. You wonder, “What do all these people find to talk about that’s so important?” Usually the answer is, Nothing. Nothing that’s so important. But people don’t wait until they have something important to say in order to talk.

Very little of what is said is important for the information expressed in the words. But that doesn’t mean that the talk isn’t important. It’s important, as a way of showing that we are involved with each other. Our talk is saying something about our relationship.

Information conveyed by the meanings of words is the message. What is communicated about relationships—attitudes toward each other, the occasion, and what we are saying—is the metamessage. And it’s metamessages that we react to most strongly. If someone says, “I’m not angry,” and his jaw is set hard and his words seem to be squeezed out in a hiss, you won’t believe the message that he’s not angry; you’ll believe the metamessage conveyed by the way he said it. Comments like “It’s not what you said but the way that you said it” or “Why did you say it like that?” are responses to metamessages of talk.

Involvement and Independence

The philosopher Schopenhauer gave an oft-quoted example of porcupines trying to get through a cold winter.

They huddle together for warmth, but their sharp quills prick each other, so they pull away. But then they get cold. They have to keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and from getting pricked by their fellow porcupines—the source of both comfort and pain.

We need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, to feel we’re not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance from each other to preserve our independence, so others don’t impose on or engulf us. This duality reflects the human condition. We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals.

Another way to look at this duality is that we are all the same—and all different. There is comfort in being understood and pain in the impossibility of being understood completely.

We balance the conflicting needs for involvement and independence by hinting and picking up hints, by refraining from saying some things and surmising what other people mean from what they refrain from saying. Linguists refer to the way people mean what they don’t exactly say as indirectness.

There is comfort in being understood and pain in the impossibility of being understood completely

Why we don’t say what we mean

Diya told Atul she was hurt because he fixed himself a snack without offering her any. So he offered her the snack he had just fixed. She turned it down. He asked why. Because he hadn’t prepared it for her. Atul was exasperated: Was she hungry or not?

To Diya, whether or not she was hungry was beside the point; the point was whether or not Atul thought about her when he fixed himself a snack, which showed whether or not he cared about her as much as she cared about him. She would never feed herself without asking him, “Would you like some?” In fact, she might not even have a snack if he didn’t want one.

Being direct and honest wouldn’t help here. Diya could say straight out that she’s hungry—or isn’t—but that has nothing to do with it. She could say straight out that she wants to know Atul cares. But she can only know he cares if he thinks of her on his own. What good is it if you order someone to say “I love you” and he parrots it? It’s no good at all telling people what you want if what you want is for them to know without your telling them. That’s the rapport benefit of indirectness.

This drama is played out in the birthday present routine as well. Anyone could get you what you want for your birthday if you told him what you want. In fact, you could get it for yourself, if it were the gift that mattered. What really matters is the evidence that the person knows you well enough to figure out what you would like, and cares enough to spend the time getting it.

An instance of indirect communication

An Indian woman explained how she and her father communicated. If she wanted to do something, like go to a dance, she had to ask her father for permission. He never said no. But she could tell from the way he said yes whether or not he meant it. If he said something like “Yes, of course, go” she knew he thought it was a good idea. If he said something like “If you want, you can go” she understood that he didn’t think it was a good idea, and she wouldn’t go. His tone of facial and all the elements of conversational style gave her clues as to how he felt about her going.

Why didn’t he just tell her that he didn’t think she should go? Why wasn’t he “honest”? Well, he did tell her, in a way that was clear to both her and him. To the extent that we can even talk about honesty in communicative habits, any system that gets meaning across is honest.

It’s easy to see that the Indian father might prefer not to appear tyrannical. What’s more, he might not feel tyrannical, but might genuinely feel that he didn’t say no; his daughter chose not to go of her own free will. How much better to have a daughter who chooses to behave properly rather than one who simply obeys… And the daughter herself might prefer it to appear that she is choosing not to go. In fact, she may actually feel that she is choosing, since her father never actually said she couldn’t go. How much better to choose to act properly than to be forced into obeying… So the indirectness of their communication contributes to the appearance, and probably also the feeling, of rapport.

To the extent that we can even talk about honesty in communicative habits, any system that gets meaning across is honest

Why we can’t say what we mean

If our attempts to communicate by indirectness keep tripping us up and sending us sprawling, why do we keep trying? Why don’t we just say what we mean—directly?

We’ve seen that it’s more satisfying to communicate indirectly; it would be boring simply to say what we mean, and we’d lose the metamessage of rapport. It’s useful to cover ourselves by not going on record with what we think. But even if we wanted to be direct, we couldn’t, for the following reasons:

First, deciding to tell the truth leaves open the question, which of the infinite aspects of the truth to tell.

Second, being direct isn’t enough because countless assumptions underlie anything we say or hear. We don’t think of stating them precisely because they are assumptions.

Third, stating just what we mean would often be hurtful to others.

And finally, differing styles make honesty opaque. Let’s look at examples of why we can’t say what we mean.

Ellen returned to her hometown for her sister’s wedding. At the reception she talked to a lot of relatives and old high-school friends. She told no untruths and had no intention of telling any, yet she gave different people very different accounts of her life as a graduate student. And she walked away from some conversations feeling she had misrepresented herself.

In some conversations, Ellen stressed how well she was doing: She liked the city she lived in, the courses she was taking, the new friends she had made. She expressed satisfaction with her life and herself and painted a rosy picture of them. But in talking to other people, Ellen painted a different picture. She stressed the negative aspects of her life, the danger and discomforts of living in a big city and the long hours of study.

Both pictures were true. That is, they were both composites assembled from pieces of truth. Yet both were untrue, insofar as they omitted the pieces included in the other account, as well as innumerable pieces included in neither. There is no way that Ellen, or anyone, could tell every aspect of the truth. When constructing a story for a specific occasion, we instinctively identify a main point or goal and include the details that contribute to it. Although Ellen didn’t consciously decide to do so, she painted a positive picture of her life when she spoke to relatives and her parents’ friends. She didn’t want them to worry about her or repeat to her parents anything that might cause them concern.

The negative view of her life was constructed for her old friends from high school, women her age who were married and bored and slightly envious of her life of independence and intellectual stimulation. She wanted, instinctively, to forestall rather than incite their envy.

There is not world enough or time to state every detail, every aspect of the truth, even if we could keep them all in our minds—which we can’t. Selecting words to speak and information to give always entails choices among vast alternatives. The accrual of the details that are chosen presents some aspects of the truth, inevitably falsifying or omitting others. It is impossible to tell the whole truth.

What you can and can’t do with conversational style

Humans want to understand their own and others’ behaviour. For humans in our society this often means seeking psychological explanations. If distress is extreme, they may seek psychological treatment. Plenty of situations and individuals warrant this. But before trying this drastic measure, it’s a good idea to ask whether the problem may simply be differences in conversational style. If it is, it can be treated at home. If pain persists, see your doctor. But you may find that fewer visits to the doctor are really needed.

The first step is to understand your own style: What are you doing when you communicate? What effect is it having on how others talk to you? How is your style a response to their way of talking to you? A way to help the process of observation is tape recording. With permission, of course, you can tape your conversations and listen to the tape to get a better understanding of how you and others talked and the effect this had on the interaction. If you aren’t comfortable taping, or if the people you talk to aren’t comfortable being taped, you can just observe.

As you get a sense of your own conversational style, there are ways you can adjust it. Here are some. You will doubtless think of others yourself.

The first step is to understand your own style: What are you doing when you communicate?

If you expect people to continue talking while you’re listening, but you see that someone keeps stopping when you respond so that you seem to be interrupting, you can back off and listen more quietly. If you find yourself doing all the talking, you may try counting to six after you think the other person has finished or failed to take a turn, to make sure she isn’t just gearing up to say something.

If you feel yourself being continually cut off, you may try to speed up, leaving smaller gaps between your turn and someone else’s, and within your own talk. And you may force yourself not to stop when others start talking, but to talk right over them. If that doesn’t work, you can try using a nonverbal sign of having something to say—like waving your hand or leaning forward.

If you feel put off because someone is asking you too many questions, rather than evade the questions, you may try asking questions yourself, or pick a topic of interest to you and talk about it. From the other side, if you are asking questions to get someone talking, and he is answering in monosyllables or less, rather than asking more and different questions, you may stop asking them entirely and either volunteer information or let there be silence. No matter what the effect is, doing something different will at least change the interaction and stop the spiral of clashing styles.

Metacommunicating: A powerful tool

A powerful tool is metacommunicating: talking about communication, with or without using the terms metamessage, frame, or conversational style. You may say something about what’s going on—not, preferably, something judgemental like “Stop interrupting me” or “Give me a chance to talk,” but something that focusses on your intentions, like “I want to say something but I need more time to get going” or “When I chime in, I don’t expect you to stop. Go on.” Another form of metacommunication is naming the frame: “I feel like we’re having a shouting match. Can we slow it down?”

You may also ask the other person what she or he expected in response to a comment or question. You may be surprised by what you hear. In addition, putting into words what you expected in response to what you said forces you to consider the other person’s point of view.

The most powerful way to change interaction is to change the frame without making it explicit: reframing by talking or acting in a different way. Reframing is a repair job that often can be done most effectively behind the scenes.

No matter what the effect is, doing something different will at least change the interaction and stop the spiral of clashing styles

Use with Caution

Ironically, it is easier to make these changes and improve communication with others we don’t know well and don’t talk to frequently, than it is with partners and family members. For one thing, it takes effort to convert processes that are normally automatic into conscious ones. Having to make this effort all the time, every day, can be exhausting.

Even more significant than your way of speaking is, in a sense, your identity. Talking differently makes one feel like a different sort of person. Some people, furthermore, persist in focussing on the aspects of speech they have always been aware of—accent, vocabulary, and rules of grammar—and cling to the conviction that their way of doing things is the right way.

Conversational style is normally invisible but not unconscious. People often say, spontaneously, “It’s not what you said but the way you said it,” even if they can’t put their finger on just what it was about the way you said it that they reacted to.

Knowing about conversational style gives names to what were previously felt as vague forces. Once pointed out, they have a ring of familiarity and truth.

Adapted from That’s Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships, HarperCollins, 1986.©Deborah Tannen. Used with permission of the author.

The post Talking sense: How to always say what you mean and prevent misunderstandings appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Parents today are overwhelmed with demands on how to raise their kids. We want the very best for our kids. We want them to be smart, athletic, healthy, kind, happy, polite, disciplined, creative and more. We want to give them everything! And before everything, we focus on getting them into good schools so that they can have the best possible education.

Kids on the other hand, are growing up bombarded by technology, needing to compete in every way, comparing themselves with others, trying to be perfect and please their parents, wanting to fit in. As a result, they are often anxious, stressed at a very young age, display behavioural issues, have little self esteem and are simply not happy.

So, from the parents whose intention is so sincere, to the kids who are trying to keep up on all fronts, what needs to change? What is missing?

We need to look at the whole experience of raising our children as a spiritual one, where having conscious kids go out in the world is more important than anything we can teach them. Here’s why raising them as conscious individuals is the best gift you can give to your children.

Why you should raise conscious kids

• • Conscious kids grow up with the ability to find and choose the work they love. They are still connected to their heart’s desire, their soul path and will not get stuck in jobs that they will eventually hate. They will often want to serve their fellow beings or contribute to the world in some way.
  • Conscious kids grow up to be in good relationships. They stay true to who they are, they do not fear intimacy, conflict or commitment. They know how to give and receive love and they are not influenced by the pressures of society to get married, have a certain number of kids by a specific age, live a certain kind of lifestyle etc. They experience freedom in being able to make the best choices for themselves.
  • Conscious kids grow up to honour their health, they are free from addictions, negative habits and have learnt from the earliest of ages that their body is a temple, something they must nurture and care for. They are strong and full of life force.

Conscious kids will have a strong group of friends around them. They will feel connected to others; will not feel separate or alone. They would have learnt that life exists in relation to people. It is not a game of the ego to compete and come first, but to collaborate for the good of all.

9 principles to help you raise conscious kids

The benefits of making the effort to not only be mindful around your kids, but also to raise them in a conscious household, to share with them what is true and beautiful and to treat them like a soul that is temporarily inhabiting their little bodies, are immeasurable! But it takes diligence and patience. Here are nine principles that can help you in your efforts to raise conscious kids.

» Instil some positive beliefs

Parents tend to project onto their kids their own beliefs about everything. Religion, food, health, people, money…

If you want to raise conscious kids, try sharing the following beliefs with them:

“The world is a safe place.”
This is very important for them to know. Most kids do not feel safe in the world and will grow up looking for safety in all the wrong places—a relationship, a job, money, reputation, owning a home, i.e. thinking that safety is something external. Help them know that they are always safe, that life is on their side even though hard things can happen, that the Universe, Grace, God—whatever you want to call it—will always take care of them. Help them understand that they live in a friendly world and that safety is an attitude in their mind, it does not depend on anything else.

“People are essentially good, some are just sad or mad, or not loved, so sometimes they will do bad things.”
This is very different from telling them to be fearful of others and gives you a context when something difficult happens to them, or in the world around them. They will learn not to be scared of others, but to have compassion for what could make someone do something.

“We are all very similar underneath it all, despite different colours, races, religions and countries we live in.”
It’s important with kids that they don’t start associating with differences but with how similar they are to others. This prevents feelings of division, of loneliness, or feeling different than others. Highlight what is the same in everyone.

“Planet earth loves you, is always providing for you through food, sunshine, rain…”
Teach kids that the planet is their friend; it wants them to think about the consequences of their actions. That doing good things for it—like planting a tree or a vegetable garden, or being conscious of their surroundings and keeping them clean—is important and they must play their part in thanking Mother Earth.

“Everyone has the right to believe what they want. No one’s belief or religion is better than anyone else’s.”
It’s our responsibility to introduce our children to all religious stories—Jesus, Krishna, Buddha, Jewish and Arabic—so that they can relate and feel informed, not different.

The world needs kids to, at the minimum, know and understand the universal religions and not only be brought up in one chosen religion, which creates a strong feeling of separation with others.

Most importantly, you must believe this yourself. You cannot teach your children anything that you yourself have not embodied.

» Develop their inner technology

Teach them the difference between external technology [iPads, iPods, TV’s etc] and their own inner technology, which is even more powerful: their intuition, their psychic abilities, their emotional guidance system, their gratitude. Teach them that the answers are inside of them and their body is way more powerful than any external device.

Value their feelings. Kids need to be shown that their feelings are valued, not only their minds. Ask them, “How do you feel?” not “What do you think?”

Let them have their imagination. Place no limits on what they believe, whether it is angels, fairies, imaginary friends or aliens. Just because you don’t believe in something, doesn’t mean they can’t. Value it all equally. Do not shut down their connection to this.

Develop their gratitude muscle. Show them the power of being grateful: have one wall in their room where they can write something that they are thankful for, daily. Show them that they get what they focus on and whatever they are thinking about will expand [the good or the bad, so they can be conscious of that].

Have them use their intuition. Get them to rely on themselves, not only on adults, for answers. Always ask them their opinion instead of giving them answers to their questions.

Create a direct connection to their body. Have them get in touch with their bodies, if they are angry or upset. Where is that feeling in their body? This way they can start seeing the relationship between what they think and feel, and realise that their body is not separate. Show them that their posture affects how they feel and that they can stand up tall to feel better, that their physical side is their connection to feeling better. Teach them how to breathe—I mean, really breathe deeply—and how fast that can calm them down and make them feel better. Create ‘breathing breaks’ where all they do is take 10 deep breaths. Even better, do it with them!

Have them visualise what they want. Teach them to visualise, to use the power of their mind, to imagine how they want a situation to be, and that being positive is always the better option.

Show them the benefit of computers, phones, but at the same time, have them use those to be creative, to learn something new, to listen to music, to watch an amazing nature video, to see another aspect of the planet. Have technology become something they use to develop their inner world, not keep them away from connecting to the most incredible part of themselves.

» Build their self-esteem

Kids are naturally born with a lot of self-love. They have no concept of what they lack, how good they look, or what difficulties they have at school. It is only their environment that instils these beliefs. Kids will be looking to you for clues to evaluate how they are doing on all levels, very early on. Are Mom/Dad happy with me or not?

So, what’s a parent to do?

Never label your child. Yes, be very mindful of how you describe your son or daughter. Too often we will say things like, ‘she is the athletic one’ or ‘the smart one’ or ‘the musical one’. Kids are very aware of what you say about them, to friends, family or anyone for that matter. Be especially careful when there is more than one sibling at home as you may start off a comparison game. A child that hears you saying ‘he is the smart one’ may not grow up feeling beautiful, or a child that hears ‘she is the musical one’ may start doing poorly at school.

Repeat these 4 statements often.

“You are loved.”

“You are perfect.”

“You are good enough.”

“You have nothing to fear.”

Maybe even write them down and put them in their bedroom or bathroom.

Encourage them to try things, make mistakes and not be perfect. From an early age, kids learn what they are good at and want to stick to those. They know they get ‘points’ from their teachers and parents for doing something well. Your job is to help them do things they’ve never done before. It can be something as small as a dive in a pool, doing a cartwheel, speaking a few words of another language or making a video—anything that is new. This isn’t about doing anything right; it’s just about the experience of something new, with no need for results. This will help expand their awareness of themselves and what they are capable of.

» Teach them to deal with change

As parents, most of us want to protect our kids from change by creating stability, keeping them safe in the same home, the same school etc. And yet, the number one constant in life is change; it’s guaranteed to happen. When we have been insulated from change while growing up, we tend to think ‘no change=good, change=bad’. We then grow up to fear change.

Share with them the Change Guarantee. Tell them that, “From any change, something good will come.” Whether the change is small or big—if someone in the family passes away, if there is a change of plans, if you move homes or change schools—have them understand that no matter what, something positive is on its way.

Teach them that they have a Change Muscle. We all have a part of ourselves that is really good at change. Our bodies are growing and changing all the time, so we can too. Activate the superhero within them that welcomes life changing around them.

» Share with them conscious communication skills

Communication lays the foundation for how kids will turn out to be as adults.

The power of words. It’s important from the start that kids understand the power of their words, their tone of voice and how they speak. e.g. Explain to them how using words like ‘great’, ‘amazing’, ‘wonderful’, is better than ‘OK’, ‘fine’, and ‘not bad’.

Listening is part of communicating. If you are around kids, you’ll know that talking comes more naturally to them than listening. And yet, kids can be taught how to listen. You can get creative: create a game where they need to listen to something and then say what they heard.

As parents, your dialogue should go both ways. Ask most kids and they will feel their parents are always telling them what to do, what’s right and wrong and how they make all the decisions for them. Stop telling them what to do; instead, ask them for solutions, for options. You may be amazed at what comes out of their mouth!

Self-approval skills. Teach your kid the importance of how they are communicating with themselves on the inside—their inner dialogue. This thing called self-disapproval and the critical voice shows up at a very young age. Demonstrate what it’s like to say affirming things about themselves: “I love my hair, I love my eyes, I love my teacher, I love my ability to run…”

» As parents, commit to personal growth and doing your own inner work

To raise conscious kids, you ought to remove your own blocks to freedom. Any inner programmes that are still in you, such as a need to be perfect, or to be in control of everything, or a money scarcity mentality, will show up in your child. The more you are free of these, the more your child will be too. Get help, read books, do a course, learn to meditate… anything that will help you develop and grow personally.

Rid yourselves of your own dreams and desires for them. Your kids are not there to fulfil your dreams or what you want. Let them do what they want, play the instrument they want, do the sport they want. Give them that freedom. Often, parents decide that their kids will play the piano or football or study a certain thing at school or take over the family business! Having kids is not about them meeting your expectations or your unfulfilled goals and dreams. Conscious parenting is not about setting up controls of what is good/bad or acceptable/unacceptable.

See your child as a soul, possibly an advanced soul that is even more conscious than you are. Don’t talk down to them. See them as an equal, just in a smaller body. Even better, see them as your teacher. They will show you how to be an amazing parent and what still needs to be healed inside of you!

» Consciously discipline your child

Many parents think disciplining a child and doing it consciously, don’t really go together. But there are ways to combine both! Here are a few examples:

Create a meditation corner instead of punishing them. Teach them that when they behave badly, they will be asked to go to a special area of the house [or their room] and simply sit there being quiet, in order to contemplate what happened. Only once they are ready to accept responsibility for their mistake, apologise [if needed] and share their learning, can they come out. This is much more effective than punishment that usually lasts only until the next incident.

Encourage truth. Parents often do not realise that from the earliest of ages, when their child tells them the truth, they are nonetheless punished, thus wiring the child to associate pain with telling the truth. Part of conscious disciplining is to continue to allow the child to speak the truth and have them realise the consequences of their actions or words.

» Honour their body and their health

As parents, we can get a little lazy sometimes when thinking about foods for our child. We opt for what is available, fast, and convenient rather than healthy and nutritious. We too don’t have the greatest health habits. Your child’s body is their temple, it’s the foundation for their emotions, their moods and their relationship to themselves. So from the earliest of ages, they need to understand how important and magnificent their body is.

Choose fresh foods, without preservatives, chemicals, GMO ingredients… Be picky; spend time to understand what’s in your food. This has a massive effect on children’s immune system, how often they get sick and how agitated and anxious they feel.

Watch for trigger foods like sugar, gluten, dairy, wheat, soy and corn.

Help them see how wonderful exercise is. Especially with kids addicted to technology, getting back into their bodies, moving emotions through, boosting their feel-good hormones will all contribute greatly. Introduce things like yoga to them as well. Many kids respond very well to the postures and their benefits, from the earliest of ages. [Read Yoga for kids]

Create a good sleep routine. Sleep is imperative to make sure your children stay healthy and happy. Start with a winding down routine… it could be listening to some soothing music, or doing their gratitude journal. Teach them how to meditate, to sit still, focus on their breathing and do nothing for a few minutes. Make it something you do together. If you believe in prayer, pray with them. Let them do the speaking, as they get older.

» Be an example of what living consciously looks like

As you know, your child is a sponge, absorbing everything that you do! This means the number one person to be conscious about is yourself. In some ways, it would nearly be easier to follow a ‘how to parent’ manual, than it would be to have to do the work yourself.

If you want conscious kids, be mindful of all your behaviours in front of your children. How you talk, fight, eat, work, love their mother/father, touch, stay healthy, treat others, pray, speak the truth or lies—all of it matters. Tune your inner antenna to let you know when you need to change.

Have time for them. Kids need to know that things other than work, cooking and shopping are also important to you! Show them that you have time to listen to them, to talk, to play, to explore, to be outdoors. Conscious kids need to see that life is not only about working hard, being stressed and meeting deadlines, or you will be raising a replica of your own stressed out life!

Raising a conscious child is less about what you need to do and more about what you need to become as a parent. Parents don’t want to hear this but in the end, what is going on in you, in your mind, your relationship, your fears, is often what will be mirrored by your child. The next time you have a challenge with your kid, ask yourself this courageous question: “What in me is having this show up in them?”

The more you focus on changing and improving yourself, the more your child will be free of limiting behaviours. Raise your own consciousness and your child will receive the gift of a lifetime!

Above all, conscious children grow up with the knowledge of what is true, what is important, what is worth doing with their lives. They will not be under the veil of an illusion like so many others who suffer. They will be able to see and understand how this world works, the importance of love, of service, of silence and their inner world and of seeing the temporary nature of this life; that we are only here for a short time, to learn, to love, to laugh and to get the lessons our souls came here to experience.

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