Thousands of kids skip school everyday due to the fear of bullying. Recent trends suggest that bullying has become more frequent and aggressive than before and is affecting younger children too. In addition, the viciousness of deeds increases with age.

What is bullying?

If your child is bullied, it means that one or more students are intentionally hurting her or him. Bullying can be verbal, physical, and emotional. The bullied child feels mentally tortured and pushed into a corner by his or her own peers. A few rogue school kids pick on their weaker fellows and frighten them into submission and all this is done for fun.

They might be getting bullied because of weight issues, the colour of their skin, being slow at sprints, lazy at math, an unusual speaking accent or family issues, which may be known in school. Bullying could also be in the form of rumours about the child, leaving him or her out of group activities or leading to breaking up their friendships, name-calling etc.

If not contained, the child can either go into a permanent shell or explode when the breaking point arrives.

Is my child being bullied?

If your child frequently comes up with excuses in the morning to avoid going to school, it could be due to fear of being bullied. Is your child coming home from school with mysterious cuts, bruises and scrapes? Is she losing her money, lunch box, pencils and other supplies? Do you notice any abnormal changes in your child’s behaviour? Any of these could indicate that your child might be fighting a silent and lonely battle with bullies.

What can a parent do?

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem. Most kids don’t tell adults that they’re being bullied, so the onus of getting to the bottom of it is on you.

Asking them the right questions is important. Instead of asking them why their shirt is dirty and torn, ask them if there’s something bothering them and if they’d like to confide? Be gentle and assure them of your love and protection, no matter what. If you suspect that your child is reticent about the matter with you, get a trusted adult to speak to them. Some children feel more comfortable confiding in someone who is not from the immediate family. Let them open up with somebody from the pool of people you know.

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem

Once you discover the issue, take it up with your child’s teachers. Be prepared for the possibility that teachers won’t know about it. Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished. That’s why, lashing out at teachers for not being aware is not advisable. Let them know that you wanted to bring to the administration’s attention what your child is facing. Let the teachers sort it at the school level, while you help your child at an emotional level.

If your child continues to behave differently even after your efforts, or if your instinct tells you that something is wrong, don’t think twice before seeking the help of a child psychologist.

Can I prepare my child to face bullies?

If children can be prepared for school exams and competitive sports, they can also be made ready to deal with peer harassment. Bullies thrive on the lack of retaliation by their victims. Your child can learn the right way to tackle bullying from experts who conduct sessions on the subject. Look out for these sessions in your city and sign up your child to attend them. If possible, accompany your child to the programme.

As an anti-bullying evangelist, I loved the Be a Star initiative taken by World Wrestling Entertainment where the WWE superstars have formed an anti-bullying alliance. They encourage children to stand up against bullying regardless of whether it happens to them or somebody else. Everyone who knows about the WWE will know how popular this show is among children. And this initiative has made a lot of children come out and raise their voice against bullying.

Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished

Can we put an end to the menace?

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised. So that the next time they see it happening at school, in the playgrounds, or at home, they are able to stop it right there—or report it to the concerned authority. Once enough awareness is created at home and school, and children are encouraged to speak up, bullying can end. On the other side of the equation, counselling the bullies about the consequences of their behaviour will go a long way in checking the problem.

As a drama-based therapist, I run anti-bullying programmes in various schools. Every school that I have visited reveals 4 – 5 cases of bullying on an average. A touching example came my way during one of the drama classes attended by children of standard five. In one of our drama-for-learning session, the students spoke about their experiences based on the emotions the activity triggered. While few of them shared their experiences, I saw a hand half up in the air. This was a boy who never spoke; he would just enjoy the drama activity.

Sharad [name changed], came up and started speaking. It was then that I realised that he stammered. He spoke about the excruciating pain he feels when his classmates and students of other classes tease him for his stammering trait. He cried. When he spoke, another boy raised his hand and came up to speak. Anuj [name changed] said how he was teased by his classmates for a skin condition called eczema. The bullies teased Sharad and Anuj because they were different in some way from others and therefore were not considered normal.

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised

Listening to their painful story brought tears to everyone else in the class—tears of realisation, of empathy, of love. This was a moment of catharsis.

In the next class, we spoke about ‘feelings’ associated with ‘being bullied’ and ‘bullying someone’. We exchanged views on how the victim can handle his emotions and not take the incident personally, so that it does not hamper his self-esteem. Surprisingly, the bullies of the class confessed to having bullied Anuj and Sharad. We then counselled them on the repercussions of bullying and the difference between occasional teasing vs. bullying.

Kids, at times do not realise that what they are doing could harm someone’s life. The child who is bullying is also having some unmet needs being fulfilled in an unnatural way. He, too, needs guidance and hand-holding.

A version of this article was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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When your child is a victim

Six-year-old Raghav’s parents moved to a new society a year ago. The boy quickly made friends in the building and enjoyed playing there, until 10 days ago. Now none of the children talk to him saying that ten-year-old Manish [who is somewhat a ‘leader’ of all the younger kids] has told them not to. After four days of no one talking to him, Raghav’s mother approached their neighbour’s seven-year-old who also said that he can’t talk to her son unless Manish ‘gives permission’. Raghav is devastated and even though his mother has tried to take him swimming and do other stuff three evenings a week, he needs and wants his peers as company instead of his mom. He has begun to show signs of utter dejection, and asks his mom, ‘Why does everyone hate me?’

The best one can do is talk to the bullying kid or his parents directly

Tackling a bully: approach one

In the situation, the best one can do is talk to the bullying kid or his parents directly. If you have the nerves, and think you can swing it, you could first, in front of all the kids [without your son present], just in passing stop by the bully and ask him nicely but in a firm, adult-to-adult way, whether he has asked the other kids to shun your son. If he denies it, then he looks less like a leader in front of the other boys, and you can swiftly and smoothly say, ‘oh, okay, everyone seems to have misunderstood’, and soon get your son down to play. And then watch how it goes. Hopefully things will get back to normal.

Tackling a bully: approach two

If the bully openly says that he has indeed asked the other kids not to speak to your son then you’re up against a real problem child.

In such a case, go to the bullying child’s home, and try to speak to his parents, stating that your son is younger, and new in the block and needs a little sensitivity. Hopefully his parents will show some understanding and be able to get their son to behave.

Bullies are a bore, and not brave or bold, is the message you will have to subtly send out—not just to your son, but to the other kids too.

Bullies are a bore, and not brave or bold, is the message you will have to subtly send out

Dealing with your own child’s nastiness

When we catch our kids being nasty and insensitive, we need to put in place a multipronged approach to getting them to reflect, unlearn some of their attitudes, and learn empathy.

Mrs Kapur was shocked to discover that her daughter and two friends in school were teasing a boy who is visually impaired. He has a severe squint and poor vision, but manages well in school. She just could not understand how and why it happened but was told that her daughter and friends began to call him all sorts of names and when he retaliated with some name-calling of his own, they began to spread tales that he stared at their chests.

The school the kids go to believes in a disability-inclusive mix of students, and they were punished at school, but her daughter seemed quite unashamed and even broke out into giggles while telling her parents what it was that she called him.

Her parents’ embarrassment at their daughter’s behaviour is quite understandable. Right now their daughter seems in a mood to not be receptive at all to any chastisement or any appeal to her emotional intelligence in this matter.

What they, as well as the school, could do on an ongoing basis is to involve a counsellor or person working in the field of emotional and social intelligence to come up with a programme for young people to be empathetic and emotionally intelligent. It is important that her parents not position this as ‘being more charitable’ or ‘full of pity and sympathy’—this kind of an attitude only further alienates children from those with special needs.

What their daughter needs to learn is where to draw the line with teasing, that is, when it goes too far and becomes cruel

The idea of disability-inclusion in schools is not just for other kids to learn how to include and work with the disabled, but also for the disabled to be integrated in the hurly-burly of ordinary school life–bullying, teasing, and everything else included. So it is not that the Kapurs need to teach their daughter to treat the visually impaired child with ‘kid gloves’ —that would be artificial and unfair to him too. What their daughter needs to learn is where to draw the line with teasing, that is, when it goes too far and becomes cruel.

Cultivate empathy in your child

Parents whose children are showing traits of nastiness should talk to their children about what it is that he or she doesn’t like about the boy that they tease. Two things could emerge-firstly, the child being teased has some traits or attitudes that irritates the teaser, which has nothing to do with his or her disability; in that case her parents could tell her that it is okay to not like him, but not okay to use his disability as something to trouble him with.

Secondly, the child genuinely has not developed the ability to be respectful and empathetic of someone’s weaknesses. If the latter is the case then his or her parents and the school will have to work on building in this important personality component. It’s best done without lecturing and punishing [as described in this case, she seems to find even that amusing], and better to work with a professional who will find ways to develop the idea of empathy in the child.

Making kids empathetic and sensitive to others is an on-going process and you have to find the right medium through which to do it. Her parents can start with having her watch educational and inspirational videos on the Internet [for example, TED talks by or on people with disabilities who speak about their lives, their fantastic achievements, the supportive and loving people around them]. A professional who works with fostering emotional intelligence can come up with many age-appropriate techniques and material that can be used either in the school as a programme with a bunch of kids together or with individual children.

Adapted from More ABC’s of Parenting by Gouri Dange. Published by Random House India. Price INR 199.

This was first published in the June 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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