I know some folks think Marie is just plain intrusive. But most moms, whose priority in life is to help their children, will understand where she’s coming from. We moms may sometimes test the patience of a saint, and drive our grown-up children crazy by our seemingly meddlesome ways. But we will courageously carry on regardless, all for the love of our children. Or so we tell ourselves.

The early years

I remember how, when I was young, single and naïve, I used to wrinkle my nose at mothers who were overly involved in the lives of their children. But then I got married and had kids of my own, and soon I knew better. What seemed unpalatable before now seemed like the most natural thing to do. As for the mothers that I had thought of as control freaks earlier, I now saw them as conscientious, responsible and caring parents.

While the kids were growing up, I spent most of my waking hours doing what almost all moms do—cooking, cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, feeding, folding clothes, changing diapers and sheets, picking up stuff, putting the kids to sleep, hauling them out of bed in the morning, teaching, while handling a full-time day job. And what did I do the rest of the time? I worried about my kids.

I pestered the babysitter [and when the kids were older, our neighbours] to find out how the apples of my eye were doing in my absence. I attended every parent-teacher meeting and doled out requests for paying special attention to my sweet angels. I noticed the rolling of eyes my frequent requests elicited, but I ignored them from the goodness of my heart and for the good of my offspring.

We moms may sometimes test the patience of a saint, and drive our grown-up children crazy by our seemingly meddlesome ways

Parenting adolescents

Things were on an even keel until the kids were in school, when I could yell at them, “Shut your mouth and eat what’s on your plate!” and they actually obeyed. Or when their howling got on my nerves and I would scream, “Stop squealing for nothing, or I’ll give you something to really cry about,” and the tears of rage would stop flowing.

The going got tough when they started going to college. As is characteristic of adolescents, now they began trying to educate their parents. It seemed like just yesterday they exhibited insatiable curiosity, and suddenly, they didn’t want to know anything. They stopped asking me questions thinking they already knew all the answers. But that only got my antenna up. What were these smarties doing without my knowledge, I wondered.

Don’t know if the great Einstein flaunted his weirdo hairstyle even as a young man. But if he did, I’m sure his mom constantly bugged him to tone it down, just the way I badgered my children when I detected even a hint of strange tendencies.

 It seemed like just yesterday they exhibited insatiable curiosity, and suddenly, they didn’t want to know anything

Which is why we had some interesting interactions.

What’s that glittering thing on your tongue? Oh, it’s only candy, you haven’t got your tongue pierced? What a relief!;

My dear, you’re going out in that sleeveless dress? In this 20⁰ C weather? Cover up. Why? Because I know when you’re feeling cold;

Son, you’re going to the party like that? Can’t you wear an ironed shirt and proper shoes? And what’s that thing hanging over your collar, tied with a string? It’s the latest fashion? I don’t care, chop it off! You’ll do as I say. What do you mean why? Because Mommy always knows best. That’s why.

Stuff like that. And if we had mobile phones back then, I would have continued from where we had left off by texting them every hour.

When children are no longer kids

Despite our constant battles, it’s so satisfying to know I’ve raised smart kids. That’s why I’m hopeful that when they become parents they’ll understand what made me tick as a young mother, as also what motivates me now as an older parent. And I hope they won’t miss the point while undertaking such mental exercises.

I hope they’ll understand that when I insisted on knowing where and with whom they were going, when I punished them for watching TV during their study time, when I ignored their sulking and demanded they put their toys and clothes back in the proper place, when I let them feel the pain of getting poor grades in school as a result of not studying diligently, it was because I loved them.

The going got tough when they started going to college; now they began trying to educate their parents

I’ve long since loosened the proverbial apron strings. But I still dread having to watch my children live with the consequences of wrong decisions. At the same time, I don’t want to stop them learning from their own mistakes even now.

So yes, it’s still tough being a mom, even in the silver years. The hard part now is doling advice in matters of critical importance despite risking being labelled a meddlesome mom. But I believe, if you love your children, you will take that risk. Of course, it’s their prerogative to accept or reject your suggestions. But it’s still your prerogative to tell your children whatever you want to. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not suggesting you should lecture your adult children about stuff like how to manage their money, their children, and their spouses. If you’re doing that, back off. Double quick.

Today, I’m focussed on making sure I’m helping, and not meddling. But that doesn’t mean that every once in a way I don’t revert to my old habits. My parting shot to my children during their student days was “Have some fruit after lunch”. Well, though they’re adults now, I still remind them of the same thing over Skype chats nowadays. But no harm done, for I’m sure they’re giving such unnecessary advice the treatment it deserves. After all, like I said before, I’ve raised smart kids.

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I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what I had done wrong. I thought I had inserted the correct PIN number into the machine, even taking care to cover the keypad so as to hide the number. While I was pondering over my possible error, the girl at the counter shoved the card reader towards me again. Her irritation was clear on her face as well as in her voice.

“Could something be wrong with your machine?” I asked, smiling sweetly.

She probably wanted to say, “Perhaps with your memory, you fossil”. Instead, she shot back, “Please, insert the correct PIN.”

I could sense the fidgeting of the people impatiently standing in the queue behind me. Not wanting to prolong my embarrassment, I said, rather fibbed, loudly, “Ah, I see, I’m using the blue card. Unfortunately, the PIN I entered was for my other card, the green one, you see.” All the while I wracked my brains to try and recall that elusive four-digit number.

“What senior moment?” I said, panting a little. “I have brain cells in a thousand shades of grey, young man.”

Finally, the PIN number hit me like a bright light. I was so excited at my triumph that I mistakenly shouted out the number. “I got it! It’s 1464,” I exclaimed. The girl at the counter didn’t share my elation, choosing to roll her eyes instead.

Relieved to be done with the ordeal, I was waddling across the car park with my grocery bags when a young man came up to me.

“It’s alright Aunty, you were just having a senior moment,” he said smiling, obviously trying to make me feel less uncomfortable about what had happened inside.

“What senior moment?” I said, panting a little. “I have brain cells in a thousand shades of grey, young man.”

“Sure,” he said, still smiling. “But after announcing your PIN to the whole store, you might want to consider changing it,” he added and hurried off. Good thing he reminded me, for the thought had not even crossed my mind.

Forgetfulness is not equal to ageing

Although most people associate forgetfulness with ageing, it is not necessarily a “senior problem”. It is not that older people forget things. We just take a little longer to remember, that’s all. My son once said to me, “Mum, admit it, your memory is getting weaker. It happens to all old people.”

So I explained my point using an analogy that his generation would understand.

“What happens to a computer when the hard disc is almost full?” I asked trying to sound as erudite as a computer expert, though I was more in the league of a cat trying to pose as a tiger.

“It slows down,” my son said patiently, knowing full well the extent of my knowledge of computers.

“Exactly,” I said, happy I’d elicited the answer I wanted. “That’s exactly what happens with older people. We’ve got so much knowledge stashed away in every nook and cranny of our brains that, naturally, we take a little longer to find information when we need it.”

It is not that older people forget things. We just take a little longer to remember, that’s all

In fact, gerontologists, who study various aspects of ageing, state that it’s normal for people’s brains to work slower as they age. That struggling to remember stuff doesn’t mean we’re developing a mental disorder.

Calling memory lapses ‘senior moments’ is ageist

It is a common misconception to equate memory lapses with ageing. Anyone, at any point in their life, can experience moments of forgetfulness. It is ageist to think that only older people forget things.

Labelling an incident when someone has a hard time remembering something as a “senior moment” is therefore incorrect. If you ask me, it would be more appropriate to equate moments when people display a more mature understanding of people or events, or share their wisdom with others as ”senior moments.”

While I concede that not all seniors are wise, I refuse to accept the common belief that ageing is the transformation of capable people with sharp brains into morons who can’t remember simple things. I believe that there are many positive changes that come with growing old.

The Golden Years: the pleasures of old age

With age, comes the ability to make more sense of the world and to better appreciate life and all that it offers. Also, once your days of being a spring chicken are far behind you, you sensibly begin giving importance only to the things that matter.

Having witnessed, endured, and experienced many different life situations, seniors are in a position to mentor younger folk and act as their guides in life. Therefore, the world needs to look at us as the old brooms who know all the dusty corners and not as burned out old fogeys who belong in the past.

I believe that there are many positive changes that come with growing old

It’s frustrating to me when my children worry that because I’m a senior citizen, I need to be looked after by other, younger people. They have no idea of how resourceful I can be when caught in a difficult situation. For instance, the other day I was again facing a potentially embarrassing situation at a supermarket. I was at the checkout counter, waiting to pay my bill, when I suddenly remembered I had not memorised the PIN of my new debit card.

I had no option but to think on my feet, even if it meant coming up with a lame excuse.

I gave the girl at the counter my sweetest “helpless old bat” smile, wrung my hands, and said, “My dear, I just remembered that when I switched handbags this morning, I forgot to transfer my debit card into this bag.”

Although the girl at the counter scowled at me, she cancelled the bill. I quietly slunk out of the market, cool as a cucumber. I slipped into a nearby store, bought just essential items with the cash I had on me and went home, pleased as hell for wriggling out of an awkward situation.

While forgetfulness is often wrongfully labelled as a “senior problem,” it sure comes in handy in some situations. When you’re an oldie and spin a yarn about forgetting, they really believe you forgot.

Don’t panic

Forgetting things or taking longer to remember is not the same as suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s. So don’t press the panic button if you find yourself struggling to put a name to a face or find the exact word to express yourself or if you go to the fridge and forget why you went there. However, if you fail to recognise the fridge as yours, then that would be a matter of concern.

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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