Basically, unacceptable behaviours can be grouped as:

• Physical [breaking toys, hitting sibling]
• Verbal [yelling, teasing, using unacceptable words]
• Non-compliance [not obeying rules, not following instructions, not doing a requested chore].

The secret behind

According to Dr Rudolph Dreikurs [author, A Parent’s Guide to Child Discipline] children misbehave because they want to achieve one of the four goals.

To correct their behaviour, it is important to find out what the goal.

What you can do

When the child seeks attention

Most parents correct their children when they wrong. And rightfully so. And praise their children lavishly when the child achieves a charted goal like getting good grades in school. But when it comes to giving positive attention casually or for displaying good behaviour many parents hardly make a remark or tell the child that they are happy for behaving well.

It is very rare for us to say, “Mayur, I am happy that you behaved well at Neha’s party. You did not shout, fight or cry. You shared with everyone. I am very happy. This is how I want you to behave in any party.”

We sorely lack in that kind of communication. This creates the need to do something negative so as to get the parent’s attention, which they eventually do get. This is negative attention-seeking.

If parents give positive attention often, simply because the child has done something nice, no matter how small or trivial, it goes a long way in suppressing the urge to indulge in negative behaviour for the sake of attention. They stop repeating a negative behaviour, if they perceive that it is easy to get attention by behaving well.

When the child seeks power

All parents know what it is to be at the beck and call of a new-born. All their basic needs get fulfilled with a simple cry, which is a form of commanding power. In the following years, children get habituated to being in this ‘powerful’ role. They want to be allowed to do what they want.

However, by the age of two, it becomes important to clearly start setting boundaries so that children understand what is permissible behaviour. At times it is important to show them that you are the boss. Like in Neel’s case. Neel screams his lungs out if things don’t go his way. His parents give in just to stop him. Neel can disciplined by sustained and patient efforts. Here’s what you can do:

• If the demand is not too unreasonable, fulfil it the first time. This will make her understand that she does not always need to yell to get her way. But beware of being a ‘No’ parent—one who says ‘No’ just for the sake of it.
• If the request is unreasonable explain to her why you cannot fulfil it. Try linking the cause and the effect.
• If an explanation would be beyond her, firmly state that you won’t give in even if she yells. And stick to it. Don’t give in because you cannot bear the screams or are embarrassed. Just bear with it. In the long run, it pays off.
• After the tantrum is over, explain to her that this kind of behaviour will not get her what she wants. Instead, if she asks politely, you may agree to reasonable demands.
• Sometimes to break the cycle, you need to ignore the behaviour. To do that, divert her attention.

When the child seeks revenge

Children do not like to be reprimanded and thus may become violent. In such cases, it is important to keep your calm. Remember that the child is watching you closely and if you lose your balance and get riled up, the situation is only going to worsen. It needs immense self-control but just focus on helping the child by protecting her from getting hurt. Later, when the outburst has ended, explain to her that this is not the correct thing to indulge in. Be gentle, but absolutely firm at the same time.

Whenever the vindictive behaviour returns, reiterate that this is unacceptable; inconsistent disciplining is more dangerous than no disciplining, as it confuses the child. If your child is revengeful or vindictive, check whether he is learning it from you, your spouse or some one else.

When the child displays inadequacy

When children say they are unable to complete a task, check if you are fuelling the sense of inadequacy in any way. Many parents do the task because it saves a lot of time. I know of a parent who helped her son tie his shoe laces till he was in the 10th grade. He has now moved to wearing velcro shoes as he never learnt this skill.

Are you such a parent? And if the answer is yes, stop. Don’t jeopardise your child’s growth and development. Teach them age-appropriate skills, even if it takes time.

Usually, children feel inadequate on two accounts: genuine inability to do a task; wanting to shirk responsiblities. In the first case, help and guide your child through the activity. Appreciate small achievements to boost self-esteem. But if children are using inability as an excuse to shirk responsibility, be firm. Don’t be quick to put their timetable in the bag, if they proclaim that they cannot do it. Also, do not go to the other extreme. The golden mean is to make it compulsory that you will help provided they accompanies you throughout the task.

Give them small responsibilities time and again and reward them with praise. Eventually they will develop a sense of responsibility.

Parenting is a challenging job. Your limits will be tested all the time. Do not treat this job lightly and invest time in it. You will definitely reap its benefits in the long run.

This was first published in the February 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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While some people advocate never laying a finger on your child, others believe in the ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ diktat. Let’s examine this aspect closely.

Before we proceed, it is crucial to understand the difference between a simple whack immediately after an action that can harm your child and using the cane to teach him a lesson.

For instance, if you notice that the child is playing with match sticks near a gas or an explosive object, a small whack can catch her attention. However, if the child has erred—not done her homework or not packed her timetable—is spanking going to help her?

Then using the rod is more a means to release our anger and in no way is beneficial to the child. It dilutes the purpose of disciplining your child and will only harm her.

The downside

Here are some drawbacks that make it imperative to review this canon of corporal punishment:

Low self-esteem

Children who are constantly subjected to hitting and physical abuse may develop feelings of low self-esteem. A negative core belief of, “I am not good and hence my parents do not like me”, starts to develop. This core belief leads to a negative self-evaluation, which percolates to all life experiences.

Inability to handle emotions effectively

Constant punishment can lead to intense feelings of fear, anger and helplessness in children. Coping with such intense feelings is often beyond them. These feelings either get bottled up within or lead to outbursts and temper tantrums.

While keeping the feelings buried leads to emotional disturbance; outbursts set off a vicious cycle of punishment leading to more tantrums, followed by more punishments.

Inability to forge healthy relationships

Children find it difficult to build healthy relationships with others as their primary relationship with their parents gets marred and is on unsure grounds. The hurt that they suffer permeates to other relationships.

Poor performance in academics and other activities

Too much emotional stress leads to poor concentration and motivation and the children do not perform well not only in academics but also in extracurricular activities.

Rebelliousness

If continued for long, children may resort to extreme behaviour by becoming rebellious and aggressive. This is a coping mechanism, which helps them ward off constant punishment.

As a parent you might be wondering what else you can do to discipline your child. Psychologists now approve of behaviour modification techniques, which can help parents to discipline children without spanking or abusing the child.

Effective alternatives

Positive reinforcement

Notice and applaud acceptable or appropriate behaviour such as sharing, completing homework. At the same time, ignore negative or inappropriate behaviour such as speaking out of turn and screaming.

Shaping

Encourage your children to learn new behaviour or modify negative behaviour in a step-by-step process. Set up small goals for them regarding their behaviour as it becomes easy to follow. For instance if your child doesn’t do homework, divide the work into parts. Reward her after she finishes every part. Do this till she learns/adapts to a particular behaviour.

Time out

Isolate your child immediately after she has behaved in an unacceptable manner. Time out allows children to introspect their own mistakes. Two things to keep in mind: firstly, ignore the child’s crying, cribbing and attempts to convince you and secondly, use this technique rarely.

Also, isolation doesn’t mean locking the child up in the bathroom, basement or other scary places; it might do permanent damage.

A small shift in your attitude and behaviour will make a huge difference in shaping the behaviour and future of your child.

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