Why doesn’t this smooth distribution of household responsibilities happen in real life? Well, sometimes it does. At other times, it needs to be done. Distributed duties lead to lesser friction, though the distribution may not always be fair.

In generations gone by, the idea of sharing household chores was not that popular. The roles were defined rather clearly and everyone was expected to play their part. Women folk stayed home and cooked whatever the men brought in, and cared for babies. They didn’t have to go to the bank, do the shopping, file tax returns, or attend PTA [Parent Teacher Association] meetings. The children, too, were expected to play, and maybe learn till they could fend for themselves and help with the earning. Today, there’s no harm if they can lay the table, clear it, help with folding the bed sheets, pack their bags, take out the garbage, or read the paper to a grandparent.

Sharing household chores has now become an important way to keep the family bonded and happy. The benefits are obvious. There is greater efficiency and happiness in a home where family members share household responsibilities equally. Moreover, every religion, philosophy and civilisation has stressed on the value of being self-dependent.

Let us see how we can begin creating a culture of sharing household chores.

Creating a Culture of Sharing Household Chores

How to list and distribute tasks

It starts at the very beginning. If you’ve been doing the household chores for the rest of the clan, they’ve got used to it already. Change is tough, but possible. Make a beginning: list out every tiny job that has to be done in the house, from the time you wake up, till you fluff out the pillow to rest your head upon. Ensure that all tasks get done.

It is important that the basin gets scrubbed, the furniture gets dusted properly, the curios get arranged in proper sequence, the stationery gets sorted out, shoes are polished, office clothes are ironed, and the like.

Also take into account work like cleaning combs, checking for cockroaches in the crevices so you can call the pest control service. The kitchen-work, naturally, comprises the maximum number of chores: chopping, shredding, grinding, shopping, putting away things, getting them out, figuring out what to cook, making a note of what’s getting over [this could move into the weekly or monthly list rather than on the daily to-do].

It is important to carry out the listing exercise methodically. Every detail should be mentioned like cleaning the windows and cupboards, sweeping under-the-sofa and behind-the-fridge. Actually, you can write an entire chapter on cleaning.

Figure out who is good at what and distribute tasks accordingly. The computer savvy person answers emails, the maths whiz does the income tax returns, the chatty one answers the phone calls, and the picky one does the fresh-food shopping.

How to allocate time for household chores

When all members are adults, and possibly attending office, they wouldn’t necessarily have the same timings. Hence, the tasks could be allocated time-wise. So whoever enters the house first in the evening starts the work—putting the rice on the cooker perhaps, roasting the papads, slicing the cucumber or loading the washing machine. The next person would automatically put the clothes on the line, season the dal and so on.

It’s reverse gear in the mornings; whoever leaves late must ensure the gas is off, the windows are shut and locked, the tap is closed, the watchman has been told to receive that important courier packet.

External tasks may or may not be rotated, depending on convenience. Shopping, paying bills, visiting the tailor, and the like can be planned in advance. For smooth running of tight schedules, the mobile phone can be a boon. Coordination is no big deal in this world of instant communication.

Defining hierarchy

Even in a small family of three or four, it helps to have a hierarchy. There must be a leader or manager who makes the list and allocates the tasks.

It is vital that the leader not lose his/her temper and be prepared to handle occasional slackness, forgetfulness, cheating and sloth. They should be able to overcome irritation, for it doesn’t help to have tension over who didn’t wipe the spoons, who left the towel on the bed, or who didn’t switch off the geyser. The trick is to remind gently, firmly, regularly, and continually. Sharing chores is a matter of habit and discipline; the habit will eventually form, if the discipline is maintained. Giving up in a fit of annoyance might be disastrous to the whole sharing business.

Of course, if you ever feel you’re doing it all and the others are having it easy, speak up, step in and make that difference.

Beyond household responsibilities

Sharing involves more than just housework. What about other responsibilities like looking after ailing relatives? Or paying the fees of a poor cousin to help tide over a bad phase? What about baby sitting an ill neighbour’s child? Who will share these chores? Once you have a fairly organised internal set up, it’s easier to extend that experience to outsiders.

Okay, relatives and childhood mates may not be considered outsiders, but they are beyond our brief nuclear families. So let’s forget outsiders for a moment. During an emergency at home, like an illness or a sudden call from work, there is nothing like a well-trained family with well-oiled machinery in place as a comfort zone. No one’s left stranded. Everybody knows where the extra money is kept. Everybody knows how to boil instant noodles and a cup of soup. There’s no panic, and life doesn’t stall. The load is evenly carried. That’s the beauty of a family that shares chores at home.

Benefits of Sharing Household Chores

There are many benefits of sharing domestic chores. Here are three important ones:

1. There is greater appreciation of family values, which strengthen the bond between members and fosters mutual respect for each other
2. The family as a whole is better equipped to deal with eventualities, should they arise
3. Most importantly, sharing responsibilities fills up the home with a different quality of happiness—one that comes from a deeper place of each family member.

Finally, caring really is about sharing everything.

The post The Best Way of Sharing Household Chores appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

This “battle of the laws” seems to happen in all cultures. In ours, the groom’s folks are the bad ones, while in the West, the wife’s relatives play the role. How real are the problems? How far-fetched the tales? Let’s take a look.

A young bride wants to wear jeans and T-shirt to a wedding. The Ma objects. Who’s right, who’s not? Ma can’t/shouldn’t intrude on the young bride’s freedom, but the young bride wouldn’t wear that outfit to a swimming pool, would she? It’s important to wear what’s appropriate, and behave accordingly. Does appropriate, acceptable behaviour mean bondage? Another debate ensues.

From smiles to sulks

Here, I’m not going to talk about extreme domestic situations where cruelty leads to murder or suicide. That’s abnormal. I’m going to consider [after inputs from several young wives and old friends now in the mother-in-law’s seat] the friendly neighbourhood family where smiles give way to sulks without any apparent reason. The grumbles are trivial to begin with: “She keeps nagging me about how to cross the road, for heaven’s sake!” “When is she going to learn to do her own shopping? I even buy her personal things for her. Didn’t her mother teach her anything?” Or the traditional: “I expected at least five tolas of gold, but.” “I hate to call friends over when she’s home. It’s like an interrogation of their background. It’s terribly embarrassing.”

We’re talking women things here. Men might not be in the limelight, but there are frictions between genders, too. “He thinks he knows it all. He’s going to get into trouble one day, mark my words.” “Dada’s living in another century. Nothing moves here. I’m a slave, need to break away.”

From cracks to chasms

A small incident can snowball into a major relationship crisis. It needn’t be a bitter, loud argument or quarrel, a series of minor events could lead to ‘no talking’. That, and maybe indifference. People living in the same flat, members of a family, sharing a kitchen, yet not on talking terms. It happens. Psychologists say quite often this is because parents don’t let go easily. They want to cling to their children, no matter how grown they are. As a result, the new stranger, the bride or the groom, resents it and cracks widen to become chasms. In India, where tradition is all-pervasive, where there is blind obedience to elders, where conditioned women would rather die than speak against their man, expectations from the bride can cause havoc. Without physical torture, without a word spoken out of turn, just the heaviness of expectations of the right behaviour, gets too much to bear. It was discussed endlessly when Dear Di [Princess Diana] died. The rules of the Royal Windsors smothered her spirit, led her to be reckless, and destruction followed.

From in-laws to family

At the other extreme are women CEOs and businesswomen who have reached pinnacles of success because their moms-in-law ran their homes and raised their children. There are women, mothers of husbands, wives of sons, who bond so well that the relationships are looked at with envy. There are men who prefer their wives’ brethren to their own. It’s not gender specific.

Even in these days of nuclear families, the spirit of the joint family rules. On special occasions, in times of need, it’s the family one still turns to. Yet, the bitterness over matters unspoken, the secrecy that replaces trust often leads to daily unpleasantness. Is there a mantra to keep things smooth? Yes, there is.

My advice to parents

The bacchey[kids] are adults, with minds, lives, attitudes of their own. You’ve done your bit, educated them, given them values, now give them a chance to make their own mistakes. Let them go. Have your own occupation that won’t intrude on their routines. If you want to be near and can’t afford the space, have your own home close to but not within theirs. Don’t harp on the good old days.it’s 2009, it’s just not the same age. Things have changed and you may not understand their stresses and difficulties.

My advice to the young

Where do you draw the line between interference and caring? Irritations, annoyances must be tempered with plenty of tolerance. The old are inflexible in many ways. You too will get like that one day. Let them give you advice. You never know when it might be useful. Involve them in your activities, for they can give you dependable support that no one else can. Independence need not mean breakaways. Speak your mind, and allow them to speak theirs.

My advice to both

Talk. Communicate. Be open about money matters, rituals, opinions. Give, give, give. a lot. Take little. Happiness comes from small, frequent joys. Expect and accept differences. Agree to disagree on certain issues. When there are heated arguments, guard your tongue and do not bring up old issues. Unhesitatingly make up when things go sour. A bit of ego-squashing goes a long, long way. Use humour, humility in large doses. Being honest and open doesn’t mean one has to be rude or blunt or nasty. Keep smiling, stay calm. It works wonders.

Last of all, life is short, we can’t always choose to live with those we have to, whether parents or in-laws. It’s up to us to make our relationships smooth.or rough.

The choice, the action, is ours. Good in-laws stem from good us, not good them. The benefit is yours alone, no matter which side of the ‘law’ you’re on.

The post Love thy In-laws appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A stranger inside our home

Loyalists like Vishram are hard-to-find today. Full-time servants are now getting extinct. It’s the reign of part-time maids in the cities. There are males who do domestic work too, but it’s the bai who is more popular. In many homes, for that hour or two, when she’s at our homes – sweeping, mopping, dusting, tidying, chopping, grinding, grating – she’s a family member. But how many know whether she or her children have a deadly disease? Do we really care? Do we willingly ever give her a paid holiday? If she calls in sick, she’s accused of pretending. If she doesn’t, but stays absent anyway, she’s irresponsible. If she breaks a fragile glass, it’s not by mistake. If she quits our home for another higher paying one, she’s ungrateful.

As long she’s useful to the employer [sigh, and don’t we all know we can’t do without her], she’s given extra saris for Holi and Dassehra. We give her poha and chai in the morning, maybe even a small gift from the mall, once in a while. Her daily arrival – the moment the doorbell rings – is a welcome relief. She may handle our “bundle of joy” when it is screaming to be cuddled, give it a bath, walk it to the park, pat it to sleep, but she will not have a say in how it should be raised. She’s a part of the household – one that is indispensable – but she seldom “belongs”. She knows family secrets, but remains an outsider.

Like family

There are stray examples where a domestic help is adopted as part of family. One exemplary example is of a family I know. They had a handicapped son. When the father was posted to Assam, they employed a poor girl to help in taking care of their boy. When they moved to other places, they took her along. When their own daughter began going to school, they sent this girl to school as well. Yes, she helped as any servant would, but equally, they gave her the same opportunities their own daughter enjoyed. Today, the servant is a post graduate, with a good job, has been gifted a flat and is looking for a groom. The handicapped son, now an adult, is being cared for by the parents and other part-time helpers.

Servants – a boon

Never mind the extremes of affection and cruelty. In an average [middle-class and above] Indian’s life, a servant is a boon. They keep an eye on the children when we’re at office. Come retirement, and they climb the ladder and help us clean the fans, take the passbook to the bank, call the doctor, buy medicines and walk the dog.

In the case of young working couples, the servant is the annadaata of the house. The servant will wait for the gas cylinder to arrive, check on the plants, collect the registered letter and do so many other things which otherwise could have been a massive task for us.

A part of every salary, no matter how many the zeros, is kept aside for another human being’s upkeep – so that we can pass on the inevitable drudgery to a lesser mortal.

In most cases, at the end of it all, like our own children, servants too will fly to greener pastures. It’s hard to let go. “I did so much for them and now they don’t even bother to visit” could be said equally of our own flesh and blood. There’s always a feeling of being let down. What we do for our servants is because our lives become so comfortable, practically bordering on luxury, because of them. There is an element of selfishness there.

However, we owe it to them to alleviate their lot if we can. Some might say, “We’re paying them for their services, so why should we do any more?” The altruistic believe it’s a duty to society, not a debt to consider. Can a servant ever become a member of the family? It’s a moot point, worthy of debate.

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There are so many things we adults can learn from kids.

They are open-minded

Children never hold grudges. At one moment they fight like cats and dogs, bringing the whole house down. The next minute they are friends again. Teams and promises are dissolved and broken only to be re-formed and mended later.

Children accept things more realistically than expected. A 7-year-old came to meet his sick mother. Unfortunately, the mother expired that very hour. His relatives wanted to “protect” him from the bad news. Some said his mother was sleeping while some said she has gone to God’s home. The little child asked the nurse, “Is she in pain?” The nurse shook her head. “Is she dead?” There was silence all around. The child wanted to know the truth, and the adults were playing charades.

They may not wait for the lame; they may tease bulky [or skinny] companions. But they also accommodate the handicapped classmate and make him the wicket keeper of their cricket team. They hover around the slow learner to help him score more, and when he does, they rejoice. Stringent competition and jealously come much later in life, you see. They accept what is; and work around it, making life comfortable and normal for all. Can you imagine all this in a “mature” adult world?

They are not hesitant

They speak their mind unhesitatingly; many parents will vouch for that. A child who came to my house proclaimed, “Only peasants eat with their hands.” The parents, in their enthusiasm to teach the young one to eat with a fork and knife, had forgotten to inculcate the basics of good manners, sensitivity towards others’ feelings and customs, and now the world knew about it.

Nothing like a child to tell you as it is. I have a female friend with a hoarse voice. She wears trousers most of the time. When she visited us my niece inquisitively asked – “Man or woman?”

As for imagination, match these jewels: When my son was being bitten by mosquitoes one night, he said, “Mummy the mosquitoes are having a birthday party and I’m their cake.”

They are curious

In our journey to adulthood, we lose important virtues like curiosity and spontaneity. Just watch any child in traffic. He’s far from being frustrated; actually he’s simultaneously interested in the crow on a distant ledge, the peanut-vendor, the red Mercedes, and the disabled beggar. He’s not emotionally involved; he’s detached but curious. The what, how, when, where and why is constantly playing on his mind.

All children question religion: Who is God? Where does he live? When can I see him? How does he see what we do? Why can’t he get us some money? Which is his favourite country?

Isn’t all this what our sages thought? These kinds of queries led to the formations and evolutions of established philosophies.

We accept but we forget to ask – hence we stagnate.

They are positive about the future

Children look forward to their birthdays. A twelve-year-old is “dying to become a teen” and boasts of his age whenever asked. Along the years, why do we lose the excitement of growing up and facing the adventurous future? Are we more worried about aging or handling new responsibilities?

They are focussed

Watch children of different nationalities mingle. They don’t worry about who’s thinking what, who’s superior or who’s richer. They concentrate on the task at hand. If it’s diving, then they all line up, bend and tip over as instructed. If they’re learning to draw, the tongues peep out of pursed lips, the fingers curl around crayons as the minds fly into the world of imagination, far from the realities of television news.

Children have the same tricks up their sleeves – fuelled by curiosity and naughtiness. Whether they are Eskimos, Africans or Japanese, they can exasperate us by their enormous energy levels and endless questions. But they also rejuvenate us by their ready cheer and witty innocence.

As adults, we distance ourselves from our childhood. As we pick up life-skills, we forget the valuable lessons we once cherished. A bit of awareness, and we can delve out the goodness from our unconscious and revive that spark. Spontaneous laughter, uninhibited thought processes, bubbling curiosity, all of it can be brought back. It still exists within us, just dig inside and let it surface. Enjoy what you did as a child. That joy continues when you are older. Don’t smother it. Let it be – pray that it stays forever.

The post Learning from Kids appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Consider a common issue – the bedsore. It starts with a little redness, and before you know, a little of the skin looks like it has been rubbed off. Next, raw flesh is exposed. It gets bigger before your eyes and the hole deepens till your fist can fit into it.

If quick care isn’t taken, a greater misfortune can follow. Hospitalisation at this stage would mean plenty of dressings, a plastic surgery and generous doses of antibiotics – all at a high cost, and an avoidable one, if I may add.

Detect problems that the bedridden face

These sores, also called pressure sores, take place where frail and dry skin meets bone and bedsheet. They normally happen at angular edges – the hip, shoulder, elbows and near the vertebrae.

Make sure the elderly patient is gently moved over from one side to another, every 40 minutes or so. Whilst sponging, inspect the susceptive areas for redness, tenderness, shine, rawness and pain. Sponging is an energy-consuming and underestimated activity that has to be carefully done. In case a hired help is doing it, it should be monitored well. There are symptoms that a sponger can detect and should report to the doctor.

When spotted early, the sores are easy to tackle. You can use special lotions, powders and creams that can be sprinkled or rubbed to prevent further damage. Invest in a bed that can be moved with easy levers or electronically. Buy or rent a water mattress. In the long run, these things matter. Most of all, cultivate a relationship with a reliable domestic help who is also trained to give basic nursing care.

Learn to manage

One thing that drives most caregivers nuts is the potty problem. Remember, no patient likes to soil himself. It’s a hateful and embarrassing situation for them. Though you have the option of cribbing or venting your irritation out of your system, he or she must lie quietly, helplessly. Not a nice thing to think about. But you can’t wish it away.

Get yourselves a sturdy pair of gloves and a set of disposable masks. Always keep the room, the bed and the patient scrupulously clean, dry and airy. That way, the stink won’t linger around. Keep all utensils handy — bedpan, urine-pot, condom catheters, cotton, tissues and antiseptic washing liquids. Bear in mind that an often emptied bladder is better than changing sheets and clothes. Use old sheets and saris, as they absorb well, are kind to the skin and don’t cause heartbreak when you have to chuck them into garbage. Learn from an expert nurse or an ayah, the technique of changing linen. There’s a knack to it that can keep [your] backaches at bay. Adult diapers are a modern blessing. Buy them in wholesale. It’s definitely cheaper, and saves tiring trips to the market. If you don’t have place to keep a month’s supply, strike a deal with the supplier to do a home delivery twice a week. Follow that procedure for all medical supplies, consumables and drugs. It’ll save you time and effort.

Nutrition is another very crucial aspect. The patient’s restricted movement makes digestion difficult. It is best to follow a dietician’s guidance.

Make them move

Exercise plays a vital role but further deconditioning must be avoided. Circulation of blood is a must; otherwise it could lead to serious complications like gangrene, depending on the patient’s medical history. Inactive limbs must be made to move. Make gentle movements like up and down, twist and turn compulsory and let them repeat it several times in a day.

If the person can sit, and is allowed to by the doctor, coax him to do so. It’ll help prevent bedsores as well. Learn some simple physiotherapy tips, like sharply tapping the back to release the phlegm in the lungs.

Be organised

Follow a fixed routine. It will not only aid the patient but also give you time for yourself. Fix a wake-up time for them. In short, set a timetable for them — for oral hygiene, sponging, exercise and food. Don’t forget to include breaks — to relax — both for the patient and for you.

While caring for your beloved elderly, don’t neglect your own health. Often in such cases one tends to forget that his/her health is also important. After all your body needs you too. Make sure you eat nutritious food and take sufficient rest.

Sometimes with all the ceaseless and uninspiring caretaking activity, there is a likelihood that you get fed up. You may also feel trapped; knowing there is no way you can give up or say “can’t do it”, either. Whether or not expressed, the possibility exists. It’s natural, so don’t feel guilty, especially if the patient is a loved one.

Share responsibility

Remember that sunset is also a part of life, just like sunrise. The patient knows the unspoken outcome – death. However distant it may seem they know it is definite. The depression and the sadness get transmitted from the patient to the caregiver and vice-versa. It’s very important for you, the caregiver, to cheer the patient up. It’s not easy though. There are times when one might even, inadvertently, wish for death. The effort to end many nasty issues is important for people on both sides of the bed.

Get relatives and neighbours involved in events. It’ll give you space and will also break the monotony for the patient. What does one talk to a bed-ridden patient? It might surprise you to know that it’s exactly the same as you would to anyone else — cricket, movies, job hassles, family issues and gossip.

All in all, treat the episode of having a bed-ridden patient as a phase. It will create hiccups and ripples in your life, but time will ease them out. Until then, promise yourself a joke and a prayer everyday. Not one more, not one less. Good luck.

The post Bed sores: Care for the bedridden appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

If you’re a senior citizen, you wonder: When did all those aches creep into my joints? When did the blood pressure begin to rise [or drop]? When did the shoulders stoop, and the chest slip down? It’s so progressive, one doesn’t notice it until it hampers one’s daily movements. If you’re a caregiver, you wonder, when did Mama/Papa turn “old”? Some friction has to be overcome to get into the routine of daily exercise but it’s possible and, what’s more, the benefits are enormous and tangible.

Set a routine

Elders need to do only as much as they can cope with. However, nothing can stop them from walking slowing to the market and carrying a couple of fruits or bread or just a little stroll, nothing that might give a sprained back, breathlessness or a fracture. The benefits aren’t just physical; it gives one a sense of worth to lend a hand to daily chores.

To set an exercise routine, begin small: a stretch a day for a week, then add another. After four days, add a twist. Two days of that and then try bending. Do a couple of pranayama and a gentle asana or two, before graduating to go to the bank to fill those passbooks or running [not literally].

Those grey cells, too, must be made to work: use them to fill up forms [great for neuro-muscular co-ordination], keep track of domestic budgets, birthdays, etc. The motto is “gradual and definite” [or, as the cliche goes, slow and steady]. Take two months or longer, but aim towards improving upon a task. It could be kneading dough [excellent muscle-conditioner] or removing cobwebs [stretch those lazy shoulders] or teaching grandchildren to polish shoes. It is important to incorporate exercises in daily tasks. If it’s formal exercise you’re looking at, it’s a good idea to get some advice [free or paid] from a qualified trainer or physiotherapist. What’s important is that exercises should be done diligently and regularly [no cheating!!]. Skip a day or a couple of days, and “de-conditioning” will happen.

If one is over 60, here’s how to begin?

• Take a deep breath when you awaken in the morning.
• Take a couple of deep breaths, stretch hands above the head and point the toes outwards.
• Get on to one side and sit up. Stretch ankles and the knees and see if you can bring your head down.
• Clasp the fingers of both hands and stretch them over your head.
• Feel those muscles relax: calves, thighs, buttocks, back, chest, shoulders. Breathe in, out, in, out. If you’re into yoga, do some simple stuff. Inhale deeply, exhale strongly through one nostril, out from the other, then do it the other way round. Then get out of bed.

Keep them active

If you’re a caregiver, make sure elders takes the stairs whenever they leave the house. One flight, slowly, to begin with. Climbing more than one storey is great for the lungs, heart, legs. Add a little extra each day, without pushing. Once strength increases, the confidence will follow, to try out new variants. Let them try doing this in a sitting position before graduating to “normal” postures and watch the cheer increase.

Never forget the importance to warm-up and cool-down before and after any exercise. Fetching the newspaper, carrying milk packets, cleaning out shelves, all involve movement. Different sets of muscles are used if such jobs are done three times a week. That’s a good exercise to tone up the muscles.

Once the elderly get into the groove, and wants to move ahead, try low impact endurance [or aerobic] exercises like swimming or dancing. Forget skipping or jogging till the doctor, the knees and the heart agree. If the heart rate has to be increased, do it gradually.

Migraine, depression, sleep disorders, skin conditions, endocrine problems, all show a marked improvement with exercise. Digestion, attitude, and desire [ahem!] return.

There are special contraction exercises that help to cope with embarrassing incontinence. Habits formed in 60s and 70s, will last till the 90s. So start now!

The post Why Exercising for Elders Is the Key to Health appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

All these people are living fully and wholeheartedly in the present. They’re so utterly engrossed in what they’re doing. It’s a kind of meditation. Whether it is nuns ardently praying in a church, or a team striving to win a game, it is all love of what they are doing. Wise men have always told us that it is love, and love alone, that makes the world go round.

So how does one fall in love? Does it have anything to do with the heart beating faster? Is it what describes Baba Amte’s sentiments towards the marginalised? Is it what the soldier feels for his country? It’s all of these and more. It’s a blend of the use of heart and brain. It is a pure emotion.

A couple I knew perished in a road accident when their three children were in primary school. The maternal grandmother and a spinster aunt took over their upbringing. They struggled to educate them, get them married, and looked after the next generation of babies too. It was no wonder that both died healthy octogenarians. Every waking moment of their lives, they were thinking of the welfare of others, not themselves. Their unblemished caring and unselfish routine had dispelled grief and despondency.

A widower in our neighbourhood was bereft and forlorn when his children opted to leave the country for better prospects. He couldn’t stop them, nor did he want to go with them. A chance meeting with an errant teenager led him to help the latter with his math lessons. The man was a corporate person, familiar with presentations, budgets and targets, not teaching dawdling, lanky adolescents. Nothing had prepared him for the deep satisfaction he got when his “ward” surprised all by getting a first division. Our gentleman was drawn into the world of education mid-life, and he was permanently hooked. Today, his drawing room is scattered with text books, scribbled papers, pencils—all signs of love. It has been 12 years since he began, and he’s never felt as energetic ever before, he claims. He is in “love” with his new vocation, cheerful and invigorated.

Love has no restrictions

From Meerabai to Mother Teresa to M F Hussain, people have claimed repeatedly that there’s something about “love” that makes the heart tick and the brain become alive. Essays have been written on love, and its effect on general health. Forget statistics, just looking around and noting old people is enough. The ones who have someone to love and who are loved, live longer, happier lives.

So what’s the trick? How does one love? Like most good things, it is a habit. Make friends with a stray pup, feed it, cuddle it day after day, and see what it does to your morale. It is something you can’t measure, but it’ll make a difference to your life. It’ll make you feel rich. You’ll miss movies and not mind it. You’ll make sure you get out on time because you know, somewhere out on the road, he’ll be waiting for you. Unknowingly, you’ll fall in love with the little fellow darn. It’ll give you a reason to live, something to look forward to.

Love grows with time and love means giving plenty of time and effort. People working in NGOs often remark that they “enjoy” their work. Such people rarely retire from what they’re doing. Doctors who follow-up with their patients well after they’ve healed, teachers who keep track of weak students outside school hours, grandparents who stay up to give “company” to whoever at home is working late, loyal peons who will not leave until the last employee has left the office, all display a degree of love. Ever thought why this feels good? Because this love is given unsolicited, with no expectations whatsoever. And it’s given generously, unselfishly. It can’t be bought. It takes your mind off your own self and misery, and forces you to concentrate on the happier, more positive aspects of life.

A positive change

It goes without saying that the most valuable love of all comes from within the family or from people close to it. The smell of my elderly uncle still lingers in my memory. A voice from the past makes people swivel in delight no matter where they are. The feel of a hug, the sight of a familiar, beloved face, makes you all excited and young. When this happens often enough, general health improves.

A sense of belonging, security, and wellbeing sets in. There’s a positive change in the quality and length of life.

How does one know whom they love most, besides spouse or lover? It is not necessarily the person one turns to in times of grief, for that could be the closest available person, but it is the one who is instinctively thought of when good news has to be shared. Who did you call when you passed an important exam? Who did you go to when you wanted to spill the beans of your latest romance? Who did you turn to when you wanted to share the prize you won for the Radio Quiz? Whose email do you open first? Those are the ones you care for, who care for you. Let them know it. If you can’t say the three little words, show it by cooking, waiting, sending newsy letters, or just being there with a smile. It takes time, but works like magic.

Write down the names of those you love. The time to do it is now. The place to do it is wherever you are. The one who will benefit most is you.

Happy loving!

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Partially paralysed patients

If the “patient” is not completely immobile, she [for reasons of convenience we use this gender] must be encouraged to do whatever she can on his own. For example, if the legs are affected, but the hands are ok, fix a ”monkey bar” to the bed that will allow her to get up on her own. If the left side is paralysed, but the right is ok, she must do exercises so that she can walk around. Get a good occupational therapist to recommend equipment that can be installed to make her more independent. They need not be expensive things:

• Toothbrushes with long and thick handles
• levers that can be fixed to taps to make turning them easier
• Special beakers and spoons that allow easy grasping and swallowing
• Smooth [and preferably folding] wheelchairs
• Cardiac tables that can swivel onto the bed at mealtimes.

If there is resistance to their use in the beginning, one has to alternately be firm and gentle until the person gets used to being independent, as much as possible. This not only gives a psychological boost to the patient, but gives the care-giver respite. It is very important to do physiotherapy or general exercises [massage is good, but it’s a passive method, where the patient isn’t putting in effort] as many times a day as is recommended. Vigorous breathing exercises are important. An outing a day keeps the spirits high, and allows social interaction. It could be in the corridor of your floor or the compound of the colony or building. If nothing else is possible, a window or balcony with a view would do.

Completely paralysed patients

If the patient is bed-ridden, then the needs are many, and the care more intensive. One of the major requirements, here, is a hospital bed [they’re available on hire] that has moveable parts, so that the patient can be raised or lowered. Such patients have to be turned every half or one hour, so that they don’t get bedsores. Bedsores are easy to prevent, and difficult to treat, so prevention really is better than cure. The skin near the hip joints, shoulders, elbows, etc, should be examined every time the patient is turned, for they are trouble-spots. Check with your doctor or nurse to identify redness, tenderness and pain.

Never compromise on the quality of sheets, covers, urine pots, bedpans, feeding utensils, even oils and creams [for the aged have frail skins which need this for nourishment]. If the patient has a urinary catheter or a stomach bag, the emptying would have to be done regularly to avoid “accidental” spills. The spilled mess involves more work to clean up. To keep the smell and flies away, ask any hospital what cleaning fluid to use. Domestic cleaners aren’t as effective. It’s a good idea to have all conveniences [down to fresh drinking water] in a small cupboard or table close to the patient’s bed so that trips to the kitchen are lessened. Keep a checklist handy, and go through it twice a day, so that no ’emergencies’ arise. If a patient can be lifted onto a wheelchair and moved out for an evening ”stroll”, so be it. Otherwise, do invite friends, neighbours, relatives for an occasional tea. It’s good for the patient’s and the care-giver’s social health.

Medicine schedules

Either for the semi or for the entirely paralysed patient, a medicine schedule has to be maintained. If one can afford it, good help should be employed. Better to spend your savings on your comfort at a time you need it so, than leave it as a legacy. If you can’t afford it, rope in a reliable relative or two who can come in regularly. If you need help, ask for it. Maintain a contact with a nursing home that’s close by, should the patient require injections or oxygen, or some other medical help that would come in handy. Medical and nursing needs apart, it’s the daily, routine care, that one has to organise.

Check with a dietician what the patient’s nutritional needs are, and in what form they can be given. If swallowing is a problem, food may have to be run through a blender before consuming. Soft muslin cloth, a good fan, plenty of pillows, stockings, a bed near a window. these are so important.

But more important than all of those is the health of the caregiver. Looking after a paralysed patient takes its toll. Health is only one of the aspects. Managing the patient isn’t the only job that has to be done. Bank work? Shopping? Leaving the patient alone is not recommended, but sometimes inevitable. The trips should be minutely planned so that the time spent outside the house is reduced and definite. These days there are many shops/banks that provide home delivery/facility, and such services should be used to the optimum. Keep the radio going – music helps develop an ‘atmosphere’. Keep the old routine of newspaper.

Smile and do the duty

Ah, and lastly, keep cheerful. It’s hard for the patient to be so, but if the caregiver is smiling, the patient keeps well. And, so I’m told by experienced elders, it makes the chores easier to handle. Caregivers are bound by a tight framework, but that doesn’t mean they’re imprisoned. It’s important to celebrate festivals, birthdays, even go for a programme occasionally. That is why it’s important to ask for help when needed. And remember, we live only once. If you live right, living once is enough. At the end of the race, there’s a strange satisfaction in duty well done. Caring for an ailing family member is one of those duties.

The post Taking care after paralysis appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I applied for leave and went back two days after. Was I afraid? Yes, because I didn’t know what would be done to me, didn’t know what the outcome would be — it was a fear of the unknown. The room where I was taken had friendly people. Everyone was talking to me, explaining to me what was being done, but the apprehension wouldn’t go away. I was awake throughout the procedure. Thanks to the local anaesthesia, I didn’t feel pain, but there was a sensation of heaviness, and of something warm travelling through the body. That was something called “contrast” that they’d injected. I couldn’t see the monitor, but the doctor kept a running commentary of what he could see. Before I knew it, my leg was ‘free’ of the activity, a sandbag was put around it to make it immobile, I was covered with a sheet, and being wheeled back to my room. There, the cardiologist came and gave me the bad news: I had a single blockage and so I would need further treatment. He thought the condition could be tackled with medicines, that I’d have nothing to worry about.

How it all began

Medicine isn’t an exact science. Although in ninety percent of the cases with a blockage like mine, no surgery or angioplasty is required, I did. [In an angioplasty, a small device is inserted into the artery to open up the blockage.] When I went home, the feeling of impending doom kept me awake in bed. The nausea was still there. In addition, there was a pain in my shoulder. I thought it was because I must have strained some muscle during that stress test and this was an after effect. Then, there was a pain in my jaw. Shucks, I thought, as if all this isn’t enough, a toothache’s coming up. Then there was a mild backache, too. But it was that uncomfortable, insecure feeling that overcame me that was scary. My wife called up the hospital and described what I was going through. The doctor asked me to come over immediately.

My hospitalisation

I don’t remember anything of the ambulance ride. Apparently, the electrocardiogram that they did in it was wonky. It showed changes that indicated an impending attack. I was sweating a lot. In the Casualty, the physician explained to me that I needed to have a surgery, a coronary arterial bypass graft as it is called in doctor’s vocabulary. And I needed to have it NOW!

I was not involved in the flurry of activity: arranging for blood, money for the deposit, informing family, getting personal stuff from home, and the like. It was late night when I was brought into the hospital, and by the time I was finally taken into the operation theatre, it was early morning.

My post-operative recovery

It was sometime in the ICU that it dawned on me that I’d been given another chance at life. I had escaped death, thanks to modern technology. I felt a deep gratitude towards all the invisible people who did all research, and inventions -— who made this happen. I looked up to the technicians, the nurses, the ward boys, who were doing their jobs correctly, so that I could get better. I felt a heartfelt thanks to the teachers who taught them how to save my life. The post-operative recovery was smooth.

The life after

What has changed in my life? I go to work as before, do the same things.but no longer in the same way. I don’t take anything for granted. My food, my exercise, my medicines, my attitude, is important. Yes, I still get angry; I’m the same person, after all. But I tackle that emotion better. I make time for music and dance programmes, take all the leave I’m entitled to, and am less sullen with the children. I value every breath, every heartbeat, and I no longer think that I’m immortal. My experience didn’t detach me from material things, it made me more organised: I’ve written my will, made nominations in all my bank accounts, updated all my personal financial records and kept my family informed about them. I have learnt to put their needs before mine, and to actively do something about it. I’m still a wee bit afraid of death, but I have one chance at life and I must make most of it, while it lasts.

This narrative was facilitated by Sheela Jaywant, based on her interaction with an individual who went through a coronary artery bypass.

The post Coronary artery bypass! For me? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It gets over at 5:30 pm. At 6 pm, I go for a dance class. Home by 8 pm, I make and eat dinner and crash out by 9:30 pm. That’s my busiest day and I have no time for myself. On all other days, I have enough time left after housework is done [I have a sweet and reliable part-timer who does dishes, floors and chopping], to write, the love and passion of my life. Somehow, I haven’t managed to get a full-time help, nor a cook, nor developed a love for eating/ordering “outside” food.

I write between loading the washing machine and unloading it, between putting the cooker on the gas, and switching off the latter after it’s done, and attending to phone calls. While writing, I have to get up to open the door for the dhobhi [washerman], the bai[maid], the fisherwoman. But, no cribs: I consider those interruptions as necessary exercise for my desk-bound limbs.

Got no time?

No time? I have to snatch seconds, for every moment is precious. What’s true for me could be true for any other person, including housewives. Or, any man with a stressful schedule. One really has to squeeze in moments if one is serious about making time for oneself. You could think of doing stretching exercises between typing paragraphs on the computer. Or, flex your knees and ankles whilst preparing for a presentation. There are many I know who sit in their car after parking and meditate for a couple of minutes before getting out. A refreshing thing to do, they claim, but meditation isn’t my scene these days.

Don’t I get tired? Of course, I do! Then I lie on the bed, take a couple of deep breaths, turn on my side to sleep for a couple of minutes. to hell with the world, then. until I’ve recovered enough to get back to the computer, or choola, or book.

This works for most of my men friends, too. In office, when it’s not possible to have the luxury of a bed, push the chair back, rest both elbows and wrists on the table and put the forehead down on them. If you don’t know how to blank out your mind, silently recite a poem from your childhood. Better still, try and compose a verse if you can. It’s an excellent exercise for mind and soul.

Manage things

The kind of time management I’m telling you about didn’t happen suddenly. I took tips from other working women, those who “ran” joint families, interviews of corporate CEOs, how-to books, everywhere. In some people’s case, they have to answer a call, no matter when, no matter where. Some people pray wherever, whenever they have to. Which means it’s a question of priority, right? Many men I know like to catch up with their reading during a commute. The talkative ones, or those in marketing, like to socialise on such occasions, on their mobile phones. But, yes, this is also the time you can use for introspection, planning the future, or chilling out.

Look at the women who commute long distances by train. They use the journey to sort their vegetables, or shell peas. Others use it to sleep, for they can’t have undisturbed peace in their crowded homes. How pragmatically they do it! I’ve heard of athletes practising in the middle of the night so they get traffic-free roads to run on. In families whose lives have revolved around a very sick, or handicapped or elderly member, everyone pitches in, tasks were/are delegated. Each knows that others depend on them for a certain job to be done. They go on with their lives, making space for personal events, successes, children, exams.

Count not the minutes

It’s not only the minutes of the day we’re talking about. We also need to cater for a day per week, a couple of weeks per year, when it’s something beyond work that we need to do something about. Something, that’ll recharge our batteries to stop us from winding down completely.

To get something, you may have to give up something. In my case, I decided that television wasn’t a priority. Also, I reduced the daily shopping to once weekly [the faithful part-timer chops and keeps all vegetables ready for cooking in the fridge]. A few instant-food packets took care of unexpected guests, not uncommon in middle-class Indian homes.

Daily dusting became an alternate day chore. I focused on keeping my personal life simple: less clothes meant less cupboards to tidy, less time spent in deciding what to wear. Bless that dhobhi [keep one if you don’t have one already], I get a crisply ironed outfit to wear, every morning. Make use of all facilities as time is the ultimate luxury in urban life today. Other tricks? I know a lot of men who say: use technology to your benefit. Let callers leave voice messages that you can later answer at leisure. Get up earlier than usual; even 15 minutes makes a difference. Enjoy your cuppa or the newspaper, meditate, or pray, or paint, or exercise, or sit around doing nothing at all.

If you can’t get time to yourself everyday, manage some once a week. Give no appointments, take no calls, switch off the mobile, turn off the lights, go introspective, and treat that hour of day as sacred. Teach your wife/children/secretary that you are serious about it. Come what may, this time is yours. Once you’re firm about it, family and friends will not intrude.

Listen to music while driving. If you have a driver, you have an option of reading, or catching up with friends on the phone. At office, take two breaks whether or not you have work to finish. Leave shopping to others, and keep a ready stock of books to read. Organise, organise, organise.

Take a break

Take short breaks of a couple of minutes, to stretch, breathe deeply, and refresh yourself. Once you start searching for opportunities, you will be able to devise a personal time-table for the day that will allow you to find a niche quarter or half-hour for yourself. If you are blessed with a predictable routine, all the better. But, even if your job doesn’t give you the luxury of monitoring the hours, this exercise will benefit you.

Indeed, it is only when you begin to search for, and count every waking minute that you value time.

On the occasional evening when I have to entertain friends, or attend a family function, there are no gripes, or regrets, for all the “regular” days are well-managed. Whether at the railway platform, or while waiting for the dentist to hurry with a patient, the “invisible, wasteful” minutes have been catered for, and are getting rarer by the month.

Planning certainly helps: whether it’s with calories, cash, or the calendar.

The time to start is now. And, use your will power from the very first minute. It works.

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