Increasingly, our society has been egging us on to focus upon ourselves—our goals, our dreams, our ambitions. While earlier, people were brought up to think of their family first, today’s children grow up on generous doses of ambition and competition.

Increasingly, the ‘We’ is getting replaced with the ‘I’. An unforeseen casualty of this shift of focus on oneself is the institution of family as we knew it. In our search for our identity, we have lost touch with that part of ourselves that needs to connect to others.

We have become so self-centered that we often see only our needs and expectations, and fail to realize that these are intricately tied up with the needs and expectations of others in the family.

Mala and Rakesh — A Case in Point

Within two years of marriage, Mala and Rakesh found themselves sitting in front of a marriage counselor, making a last-ditch attempt to save their marriage. Their relationship had started floundering after just three months of their marriage.

Rakesh found it hard to accept that Mala disliked cooking, wanted to eat out every weekend, and was not really passionate about keeping a good house. Mala, on the other hand, felt ‘suffocated’ by Rakesh’s ‘old-fashioned’ expectations, despite the fact that she herself was a working professional.

They both found it hard to tolerate each other’s shortcomings, and these seemed to become greater and greater with every argument they had.

Importance of Tolerance in Family Relationships

So what’s the big deal about tolerance? To answer that question, it is important to understand what tolerance means in the context of the family.

In simple terms, tolerance means acceptance—of the unique personality of every family member; of the differences between them; of their quirky, whimsical, idiosyncratic likes and dislikes. Most importantly, tolerance means acceptance of every family member as he or she is.

How lack of tolerance affect relationships

Let us look at how lack of tolerance can impact our relationships:

1. Impatience towards another’s flaws

Intolerance makes you impatient toward the flaws of your family members. Rima couldn’t deal with her son Deepak’s poor academic performance, and this made her impatient and irritable towards him. She criticized his study habits and his intellectual capabilities all the time.

2. Inability to understand differences in members

Often, tolerance is created by lack of knowledge. Whatever is known and familiar to us becomes good, and whatever is different creates a sense of disharmony.

Shilpa’s son fell in love with, and got married to, a girl from another community. While her new daughter-in-law Juhi made every attempt to establish a relationship with her, Shilpa found it hard to relate to a jeans-clad, fashionable and modern girl who barely knew what a kitchen looked like.

3. Lack of openness to differing perspectives

Increasingly, individuals today feel that their ideas, opinions and approaches are correct and those of others are not.

Deepa could not tolerate her daughter-in-law’s cooking because, coming from a different community, her cooking style was different—or in Deepa’s eyes, completely ‘wrong’.

4. Build-up of conflict and tension in relationships

With intolerance, people feel misunderstood and not accepted in the relationship, and this creates a feeling of resentment and negativity, which, in turn, results in frequent conflicts.

In the above example, Deepa criticized her daughter-in-law Trupti, who retaliated. To this, Deepa criticized some more and the argument escalated.

5. Breakdown in communication

Gradually, over a period of time, communication channels start breaking down, resulting in the erosion of the very foundation of the family structure.

Nancy’s decision to make modelling her career alienated her from her mother, who was highly conservative. After daily arguments, tears and recriminations, it came to a point where Nancy felt it was too much to take any more, and soon, there was no sharing or discussion between mother and daughter. The only communication was in the form of criticism and counter-criticism. Eventually, Nancy moved out of the house.

Related » Why You Should Never Suppress Your Emotions + 6 Effective Strategies for Emotional Release

Should We Tolerate Bad Behaviors of Family Members?

OK, so we have made a case for tolerance. Does that mean a wife should allow her husband to come home drunk and abuse their kids every night? Or does it mean that you give your children the message that it’s okay to fail in their exams?

Does tolerance mean you agree to do everything your mother-in-law tells you to do? No! Tolerance is not equal to submission. Nor does tolerance mean that you put up with unacceptable behaviors of your family members.

However, what it does mean is that we try to understand these behaviors in the context of their personalities and experience, and then help them see your point of view. Tolerance means being able to discuss irritating habits and behaviors in a calm and patient manner, such that a solution or compromise can eventually be worked out.

Tips to Increase Tolerance Towards Your Family

Following are some tips that will help increase your tolerance:

1. Celebrate differences

Each of us is wired differently, and respond to situations in a different manner. The moment you understand this, you will not only learn to tolerate certain behaviors of your family members, you will be able to appreciate the uniqueness they add to the family.

2. Put yourself in their shoes

When you find yourself losing patience with any of your family members, it will be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and view the situation the way it appears to them. You will be surprised at the difference in perspective. While you may still find the particular behavior irritating, you will at least understand where it is stemming from.

3. Acknowledge your weaknesses

Take some time out to think about your shortcomings and flaws. This will give you a chance to appreciate the tolerance that others in the family demonstrate towards you. After all, it works both ways; if you have to adjust and accept certain things, so do others in the family.

4. Visualize your life without family

When your patience in running thin, try and imagine a scenario where you are completely by yourself, with none of your family members around you. how does that make you feel? For all your irritation and impatience, ask yourself whether you would be happier without your nagging wife or your demanding daughter. Your answer might surprise you.

5. Reduce your stress levels

Poor tolerance often stems from being overworked and stressed. Find ways and means to de-stress yourself from time to time. This can be done by engaging in a hobby, working out, meditating, meeting up with friends…. anything that helps you loosen up mentally and physically.

6. Bond with your family

Besides building tolerance, bonding with family can go a long way in helping you stay together as a unit, especially in difficult situations. So go out on weekends, play board games, watch a movie together, play with your kids… anything that the family as a whole enjoys.

7. Communicate

One of the best ways to increase tolerance is to communicate your thoughts with your family members in a non-critical manner, and invite them to share theirs. As discussed above, intolerance often stems from lack of knowledge or understanding.

If you communicate with an open mind, and make a genuine attempt to understand and relate to what your family member is telling you, the foundation for an increased understanding is instantaneously laid down.

Back to Mala and Rakesh

So, in Mala and Rakesh’s case, this was exactly what their therapist worked on. All she did was encourage them to communicate their perspectives with each other in a calm, non-critical manner.

She further encouraged each of them to be open to the other person’s viewpoint, accept the differences between them, and eventually move toward acceptance of each other’s opinions, upbringing and way of thinking. Ultimately, this resulted in better understanding and tolerance, and they were able to save their marriage.

Summing Up

In conclusion, tolerance is a fundamental pillar of family relationships that allows for the acceptance of differences and the fostering of understanding. As seen in the examples of Mala and Rakesh, and others, a lack of tolerance can lead to impatience, conflict, and the breakdown of communication. However, by celebrating differences, improving communication, and practicing empathy, families can strengthen their bonds. Tolerance does not mean accepting harmful behaviors but rather finding a way to navigate through differences in a constructive and compassionate manner. Ultimately, it is this patience and acceptance that can help preserve the integrity of the family unit.

A version of this article first appeared in the November 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (Print Edition).

The post Coping With Family Fights: Tolerance Is the Key, Says an Expert appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Clinical anxiety, however, is a different story altogether. When the sense of doom, the worries, the apprehensions, continue unabated, when the hyper-arousal that comes in the form of palpitations, trembling, and physical restlessness becomes a constant state of our body, and when our anxious thoughts, fearsome feelings, and uncomfortable bodily sensations overwhelm us to a point where we can’t function optimally, that is when we know that this anxiety is something that needs to be addressed.

Unfortunately, for many of our teenagers and pre-teen children, this ability to discern normal anxious thoughts from anxiety disorders is underdeveloped. As a result, they may find it extremely difficult to talk about their anxiety. They may often suffer in silence, mask their anxiety under behaviors such as anger, rebellion or disinterest, or judge themselves for experiencing these feelings.

As parents, it is always distressing and difficult when a child is battling a difficult situation. But when it is a mental health issue such as anxiety that the child is struggling with, this distress is magnified manifold. Let us look at some ways in which you can be there for your anxious teen.

How to help your anxious teen

Acknowledge your child’s anxiety

Children’s fears and worries are very real to them. Brushing off their anxiety, minimizing it, or invalidating it only makes them feel lonelier and more isolated. Instead, hear them out. Acknowledge that you understand their apprehensions. Use simple paraphrasing and rephrasing methods to let them know that you hear them, and you see what they are going through:

“I can see that you are really anxious about this.”

“You are worried that you won’t pass the exams.”

“You are feeling really stressed about this situation.”

These are a few simple ways in which you can restate what they are feeling. No, you are not encouraging their fears; you are simply validating their experience. And that goes a long way in making them feel understood.

Empathize with your anxious teen

The next step is to let your teen know that you empathize with their worries and what these worries do to them. Try to see the situation the way they see it, and understand their fears. Only then will they be really receptive to seeing things the way you see them! Communicating empathetic understanding opens them up to the possibility that they are not alone in how they are feeling, but are supported by significant others (mainly you), in their lives.

Gently move them in the present

Anxieties usually stem from apprehensions about the future or ruminations about the past. Gently refocusing your teen to the here and now can help them keep their apprehensions and ruminations in check. This needs to be done tactfully and gently. For instance, to a if a teen is anxious about going blank in the exam, gently move their attention to what they can do today to prevent that from happening. This breaks the cycle of ruminative thoughts and also helps them focus on solutions rather than their own emotions.

Teach your anxious teen to be mindful toward the physical manifestations of anxiety

The butterflies in the stomach and the trembling of the body, the racing heart and the sweating palms — these are the physical manifestations of the anxious thoughts, that feel quite uncomfortable and, at time, unbearable. Encouraging your teen to simply become aware of her body’s response to anxiety helps ground them and feel calmer.

Share your experiences with anxiety

One of the best ways to get your anxious teen to listen to you is to talk about your own experience — situations where you may have experienced anxiety. Talking about your own youth and your stresses of the time is the best. But if for some reason you’d rather not talk about anxieties of your younger self, talking about things that make you anxious today will also benefit. Such sharing helps build perspective, and makes your teen understand that, at times, our mind can play games by creating scenarios that are highly unlikely to unfold in reality.

Radiate a sense of calm

One of the worst possible reactions you can give to your teen’s anxiety is to become anxious yourself. On the other hand, if you stay calm in the face of their overwhelming emotion, it immediately provides them with a sense of support and solace. Remember, calm begets calm, so your own sense of calm and equanimity will make itself felt—your teen, who is tuned in to your emotions and energies, will immediately pick on it.

Learn the language in which your teen expresses anxiety

Teens and children may not always come up to you and say, “I am anxious”. Often, anxiety comes in the form of restlessness, irritability, sullenness, and other behavioral manifestations; or shows up as headaches, stomach aches, nausea and vomiting, GE issues and other physiological expressions. As a parent, you know your child best, you know how your child usually tends to react to stressors. Always be alert enough to read the signs through which your child may express their anxiety. Once you notice their typical manifestation, reflect it to them.

“I notice you are feeling quite restless today. Is there something on your mind that you would like to talk about?”

“You have been feeling nauseous for several days. Are you feeling worried about something?”

These simple reflections will allow your teen to notice their own underlying anxiety, and also open the pathway for you both to have a conversation around it.

Normalize occasional anxiety

Helping your teenager see that occasional bouts of anxiety are normal, and experienced by everyone, makes them feel less alone, and allows them to cope with it better. Instead of pooh-poohing their worries, tell them that their worries are understandable; doing so provides them the spaciousness into which the anxiety can eventually dissipate.

Help them identify pathological anxiety

Occasional anxiety is not a cause for alarm but it is important that you as a parent understand that, beyond a point, anxiety can be pathological, and can overwhelm your teenager. It is important that you educate yourself about clinical anxiety to gauge whether what your teenager is experiencing is normal or clinical anxiety, and seek help if needed.

Offer them therapeutic support

You may be surprised by how readily children agree to go into therapy; in fact, several may even come up to you and ask you to seek an appointment with a psychologist. Today’s youth is very aware of mental health challenges, and sees no problem in seeking professional help when they are unable to cope with their issues. Thus, if you feel your anxious teen will benefit from therapy, please go ahead and offer this to them. if your child comes up to you and says they need to see a therapist, please don’t balk at the idea or panic. Go right ahead and set up that first appointment. It will go a long way in building your teen’s trust in you, and pave the way for a more open and robust relationship between the two of you.

The takeaway

Anxiety is a faceless, nameless demon, and watching your child battle this invisible, yet real, demon, can be heartbreaking. If your teen is showing signs of anxiety, offer your active and unconditional support to them. Make sure they feel understood and be careful not to say or do anything that makes them regard their anxiety as invalid. Stay calm and learn to communicate in the language your teen uses and understands. And lastly, offer them professional counseling therapy, if needed.

The post Helping Your Anxious Teen: A Guide for Parents appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Over the years, Meera’s husband Gaurav, who claims to love her and worry about her, has slowly, insidiously, chipped away at her self-belief, her confidence, and her faith in herself to a point where she is constantly second-guessing herself. Gaurav’s behaviour, in simple terms, is called gaslighting. When someone close to us subtly and systematically breaks down the walls of our self-esteem, strips us bare of our sense of who we are, we are being gaslighted.

What is gaslighting?

To explain it more comprehensively, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, such that someone close to the victim makes them question their intelligence, their judgement, their decisions, and their sanity! It comes to a point where the victim starts believing that they are really going crazy, or are really incapable of making sensible decisions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular today; however, it is an age-old phenomenon that has been around since relationships began. Usually, the person who gaslights is someone who is close to the victim – a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a leader. Gaslighting is most commonly seen in couples, where one partner—the one who has more power in the relationship dynamic—gradually starts eroding the power of the partner more and more.

Gaslighting can take many forms and can have a variety of effects on the victims. However, there are some commonly seen indicators that can help you evaluate whether you are indeed being victimised. Let us look at some of these:

7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting

1. Loss of confidence

Very slowly, over a period of time, you start losing all the confidence that you have in yourself, until you reach a point where you don’t feel confident at all.

2. Extreme self-doubt

What begins as little niggles and tiny questions, blooms into a huge cloud of self-doubt that settles firmly onto you. You start doubting yourself in all things big and small.

3. Self-blame

You end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, and in your life. Whenever something goes wrong, you automatically think that it’s your fault.

4. Difficulty making decisions

Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, you find it difficult to make even the most banal of decisions, further perpetuating the downward cycle.

5. Anxiety and/or depression

You experience feelings of sadness, loss of hope, nervousness and extreme panic; these could nudge you into clinical depression or anxiety.

6. Walking on eggshells around the perpetrator

Be it your partner or parent, you start feeling nervous whenever the perpetrator is around and anxious in their absence. You feel the compulsion to be on your guard at all times.

7. Increased feeling of isolation

Eventually, you start withdrawing, not just from the perpetrator, but from other family members and friends as well.

How does gaslighting work?

Siya was a highly successful HR professional doing great on the corporate ladder. Her relationship with her husband Arjun was conflicted and mixed up. Arjun, himself a highly successful IT manager, was soft spoken, gentle and affectionate; Siya had always been the more proactive and outspoken person in the relationship. Over a period of time, Arjun was made to feel responsible for every fight they had, he was made to feel insensitive and uncaring of Siya’s emotions, and over-sensitive of his own feelings. His sensitivity was ridiculed, his softness made out to be weakness of character. In essence, he felt his entire life so far had been a failure, as Siya pointed out to him at every opportunity.

As I mentioned above, gaslighting is a slow and often insidious process, and by the time you realise what is happening, you have been completely sucked into the whirlpool of self-doubt, self-blame, and loss of confidence.

How does this happen? How is it that an otherwise confident, positive, and successful person falls into this trap of being gaslighted? Well, this is how! Since the person gaslighting is someone with whom the victim is in a close, trusted relationship, by default one tends to believe that if a person is saying something, it must be true. You try to look at yourself, introspect, wonder and question your own thoughts and actions. Over time, you find yourself in a vicious cycle of being questioned and blamed, getting into a self-questioning mode, and accepting the feedback the perpetrator is giving!

Common gaslighting techniques employed by perpetrators

Gaslighters have many tools in their tool-kit, the most common among which are:

1. Ridiculing your thoughts

If Meera planned a particular menu for guests at home, Gaurav would pan it and rant about how inappropriate it had been.
They make fun of your valid ideas and opinions and make you think that you know nothing. Everything you say is laughed at, dismissed, or simply ignored.

2. Trivialising your feelings

If Arjun felt upset by Siya’s aggressive behaviour, she would completely invalidate his feelings and tell him he was just being over-sensitive as usual.
Gaslighters trivialise and invalidate your feelings and emotions, often telling you that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too crazy, too stupid. Your genuine reactions are termed as over-reactions.

3. Blame shifting

Every time Siya loses her temper and goes into a fit of rage, she blames Arjun for his stupidity and insensitivity that made her lose her temper.
In the eyes of the gaslighter, everything is your fault. They are adept at making sure that the blame lies on you for whatever goes wrong. You are not careful enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, caring enough… the list is endless.

4. Lying

Whenever Meera asked Gaurav why he called her names, he would outright deny that he did so.
Gaslighters can lie as easily as they can breathe, without batting an eyelid or skipping a heartbeat. They will lie to you blatantly, to ensure that their version and your version of the events don’t match, to a point where you start questioning your version. Even in the face of irrefutable proof, they will continue to lie.

5. Hitting below the belt

The moment Arjun called out her lie, Siya pointed out how he had failed at achieving his financial goals so far, hinting, not-so-subtly, at what a failure he was.
They are masters of emotional blackmail, and saying things at a time and in a way that simply becomes your undoing. Each time, every time.

6. Tireless aggression

Whenever Meera tried to explain her rationale for any decision, Gaurav would keep pointing out why he thought it was a wrong decision and no amount of explanation or reasoning would be enough to convince him.
They are capable of wearing you down with their zealous efforts to prove how wrong you are. They argue and argue till you reach a stage where it is simply easier to give up and agree to what they are saying.

7. Repeatedly telling you that you are Insane

When nothing else worked, Siya’s standard phrase for Arjun was, “You’re losing your marbles.”
This is the finest and most effective tool in their kitty. Words like “You have lost your mind”, “You’re going crazy”, “You have lost it”, said repeatedly, over a period of time, eventually makes you question your own sanity. Many professionals call this as the gaslighter’s master technique.

Whatever the techniques or methods a perpetrator uses, the fact remains that you end up being gaslighted. What should you do in such a situation?

9 steps to deal with gaslighting

Extricating yourself out of a gaslighting relationship can be challenging, it is like being stuck in quicksand – the more you try to fight your way out, the more you feel yourself getting deeply stuck. Yet, extricate yourself you must! Because it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sense of self, you will need to take action and move yourself out of this power equation with the gaslighter. Few ways you can do this are:

1. Acknowledge the truth

One reason why victims remain in this manipulative equation is because they truly care for the person, and find it hard to believe that he or she could actually be gaslighting. At times, the gaslighter may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on the victim. However, if you have noticed yourself being stuck in a relationship where you are being gaslighted, chances are that you have been taking the abuse for long. Painful as it surely is, you need to acknowledge that this relationship and this person, is actually playing with your sanity. Once you accept the reality, you will then realise the harm it is doing to you, and will be in a position to figure out how to deal with what is happening.

2. Keep track of facts

Make a habit of keeping a record of conversations, words and actions where you feel you might be questioned by the gaslighter. You could keep lists, memos, an excel sheet, use notes on your mobile, or even simply record voice notes. These are more to remind yourself of the facts than to prove them to anyone else. Whenever you find yourself being pushed in a situation where you start questioning yourself, go back to your notes to remind yourself of the facts.

3. Don’t allow the perpetrator to wear you down

Stop yourself from giving explanations. State the facts as they appear to you, and exit the conversation, no matter how much he or she tries to prove you wrong. Don’t get into a situation where you have to defend yourself.

4. Learn to validate your own feelings

This is a hard one, since usually, gaslighting strips us of our self-belief. However, try your best to validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel all that you feel, without belittling your emotional experience. You are entitled to all your feelings and emotions, and that does not make you oversensitive or weak.

5. Be mindful of your self-talk

Over time, you have probably become excessively self-critical. Tune in to your inner dialogue, and ensure that you start giving yourself a larger rope. Don’t let the gaslighter’s voice get internalised; find your own inner voice, and start affirming to yourself that you are a capable, confident person who knows what you are doing.

6. Stop apologising

You don’t need to apologise all the time for real or imagined errors or mistakes that you have made. Do what needs to be done, and if you are being blamed for anything, keep calm and make sure you don’t automatically adopt an apologetic stance.

7. Talk to someone

Be it a parent, a best friend, or a trusted colleague – it is important that when you first start realising that you are being gaslighted, you talk to someone you trust. It is important to vent all that you have bottled up, and usually, talking about it also helps make what is happening real and makes it easier for you to acknowledge and accept what is happening.

8. Have compassion for yourself

If you are a victim of gaslighting, chances are, you no longer like yourself, you no longer think you are a capable, efficient person. The first thing you need to do is love and accept yourself. Yes, self-love and self-care are oft-talked-about phrases; yet, their importance cannot be undermined. You have gone without care and compassion for a long time, it’s important that you start being a little kind to yourself. [Read 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love]

9. Seek professional help

Gaslighting can hurt your mental health. Not only does it erode your self-esteem and confidence and make you emotionally vulnerable, it can also lead to deeper problems like depression and anxiety. Hence, seeking the help of a mental health professional is very important.

The first step

Knowing that you are being gaslighted can be painful, because you are invested in the relationship, you care for the person, and often want the relationship to work. Very likely, the gaslighter cares for you too, in their own way; however, they clearly are caught up in a manipulative, exploitative dynamic.

A lot of research has gone on to show that gasighters usually tend to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They need help too. At a certain point, if you, or someone close to you both, can convince the person to seek help too, there is hope for the relationship to get better. However, the first step is to help yourself. The first step is to step out of the whirlpool, ensure your own emotional and psychological safety and build your inner strength and confidence.

The post 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

You are not alone

If Ajay and Manasi’s situation touches a chord in you, then you are not alone. There are many working couples facing a similar plight. In such a situation, giving adequate time, love and attention to kids can often be a perennial struggle.

Many couples are today riddled with the question: “How to be our best, both as parents and as professionals?”

Behind the confident exterior is a mind riddled with self-doubt—are we doing the right thing? Many young parents of today have learnt to live with this constant guilt; it has become a way of life for them. Yet, it burns them up from within, eats them up, and is constantly there, at the back of their minds.

Is there any way to break this vicious cycle? Sure there is. With a little rearrangement of schedule and a change in perspective, you will be able to break free of this constant worry about not doing enough for your kids, and for your jobs. Let me give you some tips:

11 tips for coping with challenges of being working parents

1. Plan in advance

Work out your childcare plans well in advance, preferably even before your baby is born. This will help you anticipate problems and work out best possible solutions. Evaluate childcare options available to you: parents or in-laws willing and able to care for your children, daycare or creche, or a live-in maid. Jointly discuss what would work best for you as there are pros and cons attached to each of the options. Together you can choose the best available option.

2. Split chores

Parenting is a joint responsibility, and both the mother and the father have a crucial role to play in it. So, divide responsibilities. But also be flexible. There will be times when papa just won’t able to cancel an important meeting though it is his turn to take the children to their sports class. At such times, mom may need to chip in. Such adjustments are critical, as there will often be times when working parents will experience a clash of priorities.

3. Manage your time well

Maintain a daily planner and a to-do list, which can direct your day, week and month. Not only will it give you a perspective on the tasks before you, but it will also enable you to anticipate the amount of time and effort that will be required of you. Plan your schedule especially around the children’s school calendar; mark out their holidays, exams, open days, PTA meetings. Once you mark these out in advance, you can plan your schedule at work accordingly, to the extent possible to you. It is also helpful to take your partner’s schedule and calendar into account when planning your own schedule.

4. Stop hankering for perfection

Give up the idea of becoming a ‘Super Mom’ or ‘Super Dad’ and a ‘Super Employee’. This does not mean that you submit mediocre work at office, or that it’s okay to ignore your kids—far from it. On the contrary, you have to constantly strive to give your best at both places. However, you also need to be prepared for occasional compromises and adjustments. There are invariably going to be situations when your kid falls sick on the day of a crucial presentation at work. At such times, you will have to take tough decisions. Sit down calmly, assess your priorities, and decide what is more important at that point in time. Once the decision is taken, stop feeling guilty about it. The fact remains that you cannot be at two places at the same time.

5. Rope in support from your family

Not just your partner, but your in-laws, parents, and siblings can become your support systems when you need them. Build relationships with them that are mutually satisfying, so that they are there for you whenever you need them.

6. Build bonds with other parents

Often, you will find that parents of your child’s classmates are in the same boat as you. If you have a good relationship with them, you can split school-related responsibilities—such as having a car pool. This will also enable you to have a better idea of what is happening in school.

7. Teach your children the value of independence

Raise children to be independent. Explain to them the nature of your work, why it is important to you, as well as your value to the organisation you work for. Teach them to do things for themselves, so that the time that you spend with them is indeed quality time. Often, we hide our struggles and efforts from our children. Instead, make them aware of it. This will inculcate sensitivity and awareness in them. They will learn to treat you and your work, as well as work in general, seriously.

8. Find creative ways to spend time with your kids

It is important that you spend time with your kids as often as you can. You can have a casual conversation, discussing your day, in the kitchen, while you are cooking the evening meal. You can call up your child during a break to have a general chat, or just check on how she is doing. You can just bond with her while discussing the latest car models as you wash the car together every Sunday. There are plenty of opportunities of spending time with your children. You just have to be open to finding them.

9. Communicate with your kids smartly

Always keep communication open with your child—no matter how old he or she is. Make a habit of leaving notes for your children, which they can read when the return home from school or tuition classes, discuss things with them, ask them how they feel about things. Most importantly, listen to them when they talk.

10. Don’t let your guilt get the better of you

Many parents feel so guilty about the fact that they don’t spend enough time with their kids that they often end up overcompensating. Overcompensation can be in the form of material things or in giving in to every wish, desire and demand that the child makes. Alternately, some parents in the fear of not spoiling the child become too strict. It’s important to be natural as parents, and follow your instincts, rather than allow guilt to drive your reactions and responses.

11. Enjoy their innocence

Most important of all, enjoy the time you spend with your children without allowing guilt to come into the picture. Remember, you are doing your best for the child, you are the parent, and you love your children. Cherish the bond you share with them, and give your best, and it will be enough. Your child will learn to value you, respect you as a parent as well as a person, and you would have done a great job at parenthood.

Helping children cope with the challenges they face

Despite all your efforts, as children of working parents, your children face certain unique challenges. The better prepared you are in anticipating them, the better you will be able to help your children tide over these challenges. Here are a few common challenges kids of working parents often face:

1. Loneliness

How to meet this challenge: Most children, especially younger ones, will often tell their mothers to leave their jobs, when they see other parents [especially moms] picking up their friends at school. “Why can’t you come to pick me up like so-and-so’s mom does?” is a common enough wail that most working mothers have heard. This feeling is even more intense for the only child.

2. Peer influence

How to meet this challenge: Children of working parents are more susceptible to peer influence, since parents are not physically around to monitor their activities on a regular basis. Thus, parents need to zealously guard against unhealthy peer influence. It is important to know who your child’s friends are and what they do when they are together.

3. Distractions and bad habits

How to meet this challenge: As children grow up, it is important that parents keep an eye on the amount of time they spend watching TV, surfing the internet, or playing computer/mobile/console games. While these activities are mere distractions at best, at worst they can be addictive, and can take your child’s mind and attention away from studies and healthy peer relationships.

4. Alienation and strained parent-child relations

How to meet this challenge: Children of working parents can become detached and alienated from their parents, if care is not taken to communicate with them on a regular basis. They become used to having independence; they can at times be resentful of parents not being around for them and can cut themselves off from them emotionally. The best way to guard against this is to always make it a point to be connected with them on an emotional level, no matter how busy your schedule.

5. Personal safety

How to meet this challenge: As working parents, we are not around all the time to safeguard our child. Our children are at an increased risk if they are by themselves at home, with a maid or in a daycare centre. Make sure you have the right references and identification for the help you hire. Never leave the kids by themselves, if the place you live in has any security or safety hazard. Leave all possible emergency numbers with the children. Do surprise checks by arriving early at the daycare centre or at home just to monitor the goings-on.

The post 11 tips to cope with challenges of being working parents appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Two years ago, when Kyra learnt that her parents were getting divorced, her world came shattering down. She was confused, scared, lost and even angry. She loved both her parents, and the thought of not being a family any more was too difficult to digest. She withdrew into a shell, started clinging to both her parents, and would burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

Luckily, both Neil and Kruti, Kyra’s parents, were able to see what was happening to her. They made an attempt to put their differences aside for the sake of their daughter and, while reconciliation was out of question, they worked together to create a cohesive parenting structure for Kyra. It was difficult for sure, with emotional, financial, and logistical hurdles to overcome. But despite their differences, they were unified in their desire to do their best for their child, and their efforts at harmonious co-parenting soon started paying rich dividends. Kyra relaxed, slowly became herself again, and over a period of time, came to terms with the fact that her parents were not together. Because she had access to both of them and because she did not have to navigate emotional minefields between her parents, she settled down into her new routine and arrangement.

What is co-parenting

Separation and divorce have become a glaring reality in the fabric of human relationships, and more often than not, children become a scapegoat. As the marriage breakdowns, partners spew venom at each other, with little vulnerable eyes watching and absorbing, and getting scorched in the process. The realisation that their conflict and separation could impact their children negatively has led many couples to cast aside their differences and think how best they can work together to raise their children. This is what co-parenting is all about.

Conventionally, the word parenting implies both mother and father playing a role in child-rearing. The very word conjures up images of a happy child, along with two happy, smiling faces, creating a glow of warmth and love. However, as human relationships tear down the curtains of convention and explore new bastions of connecting and bonding, parenting could imply: single parenting, same sex parenting, long distance parenting, foster parenting, and so on. Hence, the need for the term “co-parenting”.

When should a couple consider co-parenting

When a marital relationship breaks down to the point of no return, when partners decide to go their separate ways, decisions around child rearing become crucial. Gone are the days when couples believed in burying their differences for the sake of the children. Individual happiness is an important goal for every person, as indeed it should be! Further, now research has established that living in a conflicted home environment is far more traumatic for children than the divorce of their parents. What is important is for parents to consistently offer security, stability, love and reassurance to their children—whether they are living together or apart.

So, if as a couple you have decided to part ways, yet be connected as parents for the sake of your children, co-parenting could be the best option for you and your children. Co-parenting means continuing to play your role as a parent even though the marriage has fallen apart, and taking joint decisions on all important matters.

Guide to help you make a win-win co-parenting plan

Here are a few things both parents need to consider when deciding to co-parent their child.

1. Keep the child’s well-being as the goal

Of course, there are differences between the two of you, many of them intense and irrevocable—which is why you have decided to end the marriage. Yet, when you sit down to make arrangements regarding parenting your child, you will need to work through your own differences. This is not about one-upmanship, or about proving who is the better parent. It is about providing the best possible arrangement for your child. As a parent, it can, at times, be hard to take yourself out of the equation, but it is worth the effort to do so. Every time you get stuck on a point, ask yourself, what would be best for the child in these circumstances, and the answer would readily come to you.

2. Rebuild communication

Usually, by the time a couple heads toward divorce, there is a complete communication breakdown between the partners. For the sake of the child, you will have to cross over barriers. Get talking about what is important for the child. Share your views clearly and logically, without hurling accusations at each other. It will be easier if you keep your discussions focussed on matters related to the child only.

3. Respect each other’s views

You may no longer get along with each other, but you share a history, and most importantly, you have created a child or children between the two of you. As such, respect the other’s feelings and opinions regarding the child and child rearing. Navigate differences respectfully.

4. Focus on the key issues

Splitting hair over trivial matters will get you nowhere. Decide on what are the main issues for you. You have a choice to climb this mountain together, or keep haggling over every little speed breaker; make the right choice!

Common mistakes while co-parenting

It is also important to make sure you don’t engage in any actions, words or behaviours that could hijack your co-parenting plan. Mentioned below are a few definite things that you would do well to restrain from:

1. Using the child to get back at your spouse

This little human being is not a device to be used to take revenge, insult, or humiliate your spouse. If your anger and resentment is so huge, find other ways to work through these feelings; but leave the child out of it. This not only further erodes your relationship with your partner as a co-parent, it also causes lasting damage to the child’s sense of self.

2. Burdening the child with your issues

While it is advisable to be transparent with the child about the divorce and maybe even reasons for the divorce, do not make the child your emotional crutch. Remember, s/he is still a child and you are the adult. Don’t keep plying your emotions on the child, and especially don’t bad-mouth the spouse in front of the child.

3. Give up on creating guilt

The child has a right to love both parents, despite what is happening between the two of you. Never make the child take sides, or make the child feel guilty about loving, missing or wanting the other parent. Making your child feel guilty about caring for the other parent will leave a deep and lasting impact on the child, so do your best to avoid it.

At times, the relationship between the partners can be so bitter, that it may require a mediator to create a co-parenting plan. A mediator could be a lawyer, a couple’s counsellor, a respected adult in the family, a common friend whom both parents trust or a senior community member.

Decide on these crucial issues of co-parenting

With or without a mediator, make sure you and your spouse come to an agreement regarding the following key matters:

1. Living arrangements

This is usually the first and the biggest hurdle, and a big bone of contention between parents. This is more than simply a matter of custody. Keep the child’s age, gender, his or her comfort level with each parent, schedules of each parent, childcare options and other details in mind before you arrive at living arrangements that are best suited for the child’s well-being.

Of course, you both want the child with you, but your child is a living and breathing person; keep his or her needs in mind and arrive at these decisions. Many parents of late agree to very flexible living arrangements, where the child has free access to both homes and can stay wherever they want, whenever they want. This is possible if both parents continue to live in the same vicinity and with easy access to the child’s school. If not, usually one parent takes responsibility for the week, and weekends are split between the parents. Go by what would work best for your family without creating resentment for either of you or for the child.

2. Education

Major educational decisions need to be taken jointly, and it is easier if you have kept communication channels open. Keep each other updated about picnics, exams, half days and holidays, daily school schedule, and pickup-and-drop arrangements. It’s important to inform the school about the change in status too.

3. Health

This not only involves major health issues, but also everyday matters, such as nutrition, food habits, eating schedules, sleep schedules, health check-ups, vaccines and so forth.

4. Finances

As part of your divorce settlement, you would undoubtedly discuss the finances. Take the child’s long-term financial requirements also into account.

5. Involvement of extended family

If grandparents, uncles and aunts have been closely involved in child-rearing, you will also need to discuss about their continued role in the child’s life. Ideally, it is best to allow all people who are close to the child to continue to remain in the child’s life; it goes a long way in creating a sense of stability for the child at a time when his or her very foundation is being shaken by the divorce. However, it is important to have these significant others on the same page with respect to maintaining mutual respect and not taking sides in front of the child. If a family member is unable or unwilling to remain neutral or supportive about the situation, the child may require some time off from such a family member.

4 key advantages of successful co-parenting

When you co-parent successfully, your child will benefit in many ways. Here are a few significant ways:

1. Healthy self-esteem

You preserve the child’s self-esteem, which can get seriously challenged during parental conflict, separation or divorce.

2. Modeling relationships

Seeing parents being a parenting unit despite their differences goes a long way in giving children insights into how adult relationships work and how, despite differences, couples can work toward mutual goals. You also become examples of good communication and mutual respect.

3. Sense of security

Children grow up feeling secure and stable because they know both parents are available to them at any point in time, and they don’t have to feel guilty about accessing either parent.

4. Emotional wellbeing

Children who are co-parented positively show fewer psychological or emotional problems.

A Word of Caution

For all your planning, scheduling and negotiating, remember that parenting is dynamic and unpredictable at the best of times, and a roller-coaster ride at the worst of times. Hence, being flexible is key.

You may decide on things which you realise don’t work for the child down the line, and being able to course correct is important. How you navigate the twists and turns on this adventurous joy-ride called parenting will decide how successfully you are able to co-parent your children.

Your efforts at co-parenting will go a long way in helping your child grow up into a well-adjusted adult.

The post The right way of co-parenting your kids after divorce appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Marriages don’t come with a warranty card but one way to increase the probability of a happy and successful one, is to discuss important issues before tying the knot. So gentlemen, before you pop the question to your beloved, and ladies, before you say “Yes”, there are a few pre-marital questions you should ask each other.

Pre-marital questions to ask your partner

How important is your family to you?

In India, it is said that “You don’t marry a man, you marry his family.” While this mindset is slowly changing, it is important to be clear about the extent of involvement family members will have in your marriage. Will you be living nuclear, with parents, or in a big joint family? If you are planning to live with the family, discuss space and boundary issues — what role parents (or in-laws) will play in your everyday life and will they have a say in decisions that you make as a couple. Women today wish to take responsibility of their ageing parents, so ask if your partner is on the same page as you about that.

What about children?

It is no longer okay to assume that when you get married, kids will definitely be on the cards. People have different priorities and want different things in life. So be honest and share your views about starting a family. Do you both want children? How many? Does either of you want to adopt kids? How long do you want to wait before starting a family? And what about childcare? While you may not discuss finer details, you need to share your general views to avoid rude shocks later.

Raising children is a complicated journey, and we can never predict 100 per cent what kind of parents we will be. Yet, talking about parenting values, discipline approaches and your expectations from yourself and your partner as a parent will help you immensely as a couple, and later, as parents.

What are your career goals?

How do you view your work? Is working just a source of income or is it a passion? Is success important to your identity? These are vital questions to ask. Again, career progression evolves over time, and you may want different things out of your career at a later point in time, but talking about these issues helps to know the core values of your partner and those (usually) do not change with time.

What about name change?

Your name is your identity, and today, many women prefer to retain their maiden surname (and name) rather than taking on a new identity post marriage. If your partner wants to keep her maiden name and surname, is that a problem with you? Talk to each other about this. Ask with the intention of listening and understanding your partner’s point of view!

What is your take on god, spirituality and religion?

Ask your partner: do you believe in God? This can become a very important in the later years. This is especially so if one person is a strong believer and the other isn’t. That is why you would do well to air your beliefs about God and divinity, talk about your relationship with God and how much time and effort you invest in your spiritual development. Spirituality and belief in God may not have anything to do with following organised religion. So ask about that too. One of you may be heavily into idol worship and rituals, while the other may be deeply spiritual but may not believe in visiting places of worship or lighting lamps. If this bothers you, it is best to talk about it before you tie the knot, so that you can take an informed decision. If you both belong to different religions, these questions become even more pertinent. There are important things to be discussed, pertaining to conversions, faith to be followed at home and what religion would you want your children to follow.

Who will manage the finances?

Nothing can seem more unromantic than discussions about finances. Yet, financial transparency is a major contributor toward building trust and stability in the marriage. How will you contribute toward household expenses? Will you continue to have independent bank accounts, or will you share joint accounts? What about investments? Whose name will they be on? What about life insurance? Discuss these matters.

What is your approach toward money?

Some of us are keen savers and believing in saving for a rainy day even if it means sacrificing some comforts today. Others believe in living life to the fullest, spending on things that may not be necessities, but give us joy. Some of us operate from an “abundance” framework, and believe in spending freely. Some of us come from a “scarcity” framework and are always afraid of falling short of money at some point in the future. This is not to say that partners cannot come from differing backgrounds, but knowing this at the outset will help you benchmark your expectations from your spouse with respect to spending. Some ways to know about spending habits and preferences is by asking about:

• Holidays and Travel
• Impulse Shopping V/s Planned Shopping
• Thoughts on savings and investments

Friendships after marriage

The young generation today believes in “Work Hard, Party Harder”. This applies to men and women equally. Yet, no matter which century we live in, marriage brings in responsibilities with it — again both for men and women. So friendships may take a backseat. This is something to discuss. You may feel quite resentful if you see your partner still socialising but you being unable to do so due to work and/or household responsibilities. If friendships, going out and socialising is important to you, talk about it, and figure out how you will make it work for both of you.

Whose responsibility is cooking, cleaning, and household chores?

During courtship, this may seem like a frivolous issue to discuss, but ask folks who are married and you will know that it is anything but. Not all women are ready to assume the role of the caretakers and not all men are happy to give them a hand. So keep your preconceived notions aside and ask your partner what are her/his views on this.

What about sexual compatibility?

Ah, this could be a tricky one. If you have been sexually active as a couple before marriage, you probably know what your sexual preferences are. But if you believe in waiting till you get married, how do you talk about sex? If you know each other well, you might find it easier to have a conversation about any sexual fantasies, any sexual experiences you may have had with other partners, any expectations or beliefs you have around sex. This may be an awkward conversation, especially if you don’t know each other very well. However, it will be worthwhile to bite the bullet and have this conversation. Many marriages crumble because of sexual incompatibility, lack of chemistry, or even having very different attitudes toward sex.

What are your non-negotiables?

Last but the most important question to ask is this — what are you not willing to compromise on and where is there no scope for adjustment? We all have certain things in life that we hold absolutely sacrosanct and would not be willing to negotiate on. Identifying these is crucial. If you clash on the non-negotiables, then you need to figure out how to take the relationship forward, or ask yourself if it’s better to part ways.

Some examples of non-negotiable clashes could be:

• For Rohan, living separately from his parents was is a big no. Being the only son and especially after his parents had struggled hard to give him a good life while growing up, he wanted to give it back to them and live with them. But for Richa, her personal space and privacy were supreme so she could not agree to stay with her in-laws.
• Prachi is an ambitious career woman who believes in being financially independent. She also does not like the idea of merging finances. Abhay, on the other hand, expects that after marriage, they are going to be one entity and there should be no mine or yours, but ours, and that includes money.

These could be potentially choppy waters, and navigating through them at the outset will result in a smooth sailing for life. Asking these pre-marital questions during your courtship could give you a peep into what your married life will be like. So without wasting any more time, get going with these discussions.

The post Before you say “I do”: Pre-marital questions to ask your partner appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Most couples today, whether working or stay-at-home, are facing the same dilemma as Ritu and Abhi. There is so much ugliness involving kids that you get to read in the news that it’s natural for parents to be worried. But it’s a tricky scenario: On one hand, you want to leave no stone unturned to protect the child. On the other hand, you don’t want your child to grow up with feelings of mistrust for the entire world! So how do we find the balance?

Let us look at some ways to ensure safety of our children. With a few precautionary measures, a little bit of alertness, some re-jigging of schedules and a change in perspective, you should be able to ensure the safety of your kids, without having to compromise your career.

8 steps to ensure protection of your child from sexual abuse

1. Begin with the basics

Protection of your child from sexual abuse starts with teaching them about safe and unsafe touch. You can have this discussion with children as young as three. Use age-appropriate terminology when you talk to your children. Teach them about body parts, private body parts and about not allowing anyone to touch them inappropriately, especially in the private areas. There are plenty of books, leaflets, videos, animations and websites dedicated to this topic. Refer to them for help. It is a good idea to use the terminology of ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ touch rather than ‘good’ and ‘bad’ touch, as that can get confusing for the child. Sadly, the abusers are often people who are known to the child. Hence, an inappropriate touch by someone the child is attached to may not necessarily feel ‘bad’ to the child, yet it is an unsafe touch. Also, it is not enough to have this conversation once and then forget about it. Recap the same from time to time, say every few months or so.

2. Listen to the child

If you are serious about protecting your child from sexual abuse, then no matter how tight your schedule, make sure you allot some quiet time with the child, where you both can have a conversation. Parents today focus on ‘quality time’ with kids; so they read to them, teach them stuff, buy enriching games for them and take them places. While all this is important it is equally important to create an emotional space where the child simply talks, and you listen. Make sure you converse and communicate with your child without any agenda. It is when the child is totally relaxed, and feels completely comfortable, that the child’s deepest thoughts, fears and worries will come up.

3. Create your support system

Not just your partner, but your in-laws, parents and siblings can become your support system when you need them. Build relationships with them that are mutually satisfying, so that they are there for you whenever you need them. Even if you don’t live in joint families or your parents don’t live with you, you can always create a robust support system around you comprising of trustworthy friends and neighbours. Build solid friendships that work on give and take, where you can fall back on each other as and when needed.

4. Build relationships with parents of your child’s classmates

Often, you will find that they are in the same boat as you are. If you have a good relationship with other parents, you can split school related responsibilities—such as picking up and dropping your child from school and other activity classes. This will ease the load off you while also ensuring safety for your child.

5. Trust your gut

As parents, most of us have an inner radar that tells us what is or isn’t safe for our child. So if any person in your child’s surroundings makes you uncomfortable, no matter who it is, trust that inner wisdom. It is your internal radar warning you to be careful—and careful you should be! Remember, your child’s safety comes above everything else, so don’t wait till you have proof or you are 100 per cent sure. Be it your child’s school bus driver, a neighbour, or even a family member, if you have a doubt, do not leave your child alone with that person.

6. Be aware of the safety measures adopted by your child’s school

Find out more about how your child’s school is ensuring protection of children from sexual abuse. You can do this without becoming a confrontational parent. Remember the school and you are on the same side, so it is important to work as a team. Be in touch with the PTA member parents of your child’s class and communicate with the school through the PTA. Usually the PTA is a highly empowered forum and can be used effectively to bring about positive changes. If your child stays in a day care, find out what safety measures are being adopted there too.

7. Teach your children how to protect themselves from sexual abuse

For older kids, whether boys or girls, enrolling them in self-defense classes is a must. With younger children, train them how to deal with situations where they may feel unsafe. This could entail shouting out loudly and calling for help, biting or kicking to ensure that they can escape from a person who may be behaving inappropriately with them and so forth. Essentially, drive home the point that it’s okay to do whatever it takes to escape from such a situation. Also help them identify trusted people to whom they can report such incidences in your absence. These could be the class teacher, the school counsellor or a grandparent among others.

8. Make surprise checks

If you are leaving your child in a day care, or with a maid while you go to work, make sure you have done a thorough reference check of the individual / institute caring for your child in your absence. Once in a while, pay a surprise visit to the day care or show up at your home when your maid is not expecting you to check on what’s happening.

There’s goodness in the world

Last, but not the least—do not become a permanently suspicious parent. Everyday, express gratitude for all the people in your child’s life, who are protecting your child. Remember, for every stranger eyeing your child with bad intentions, there are guardian angels in the form of friends, relatives, teachers, sometimes even strangers protecting not just your child, but humanity itself. Of course, there are kidnappers, abusers and molesters, many of them getting fearless by the day. As parents, we must do more than our best to protect our children from such evil people. And yet, this should not blind us to the presence of goodness in the world. Let us stop and appreciate all the good people who share space with us ̶ in our families, in our children’s schools, on the roads, everywhere.

The post 8 Steps to Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sandhya suffers from hidden depression. Most of us have some idea of the symptoms of depression—those persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest in people and activities, a negative mindset toward situations, decreased appetite and sudden weight loss. What is less known is that several people suffer from severe depression without showing any of these signs. So, how do we recognize if a loved one is suffering from hidden depression?

How to Recognize If Your Loved One Has Hidden Depression

Here are some characteristic features that could indicate that a person you know and care about needs help:

Enforced Joie-de-Vivre

Like Sandhya, such people always put on a happy face for the world. However, this is a façade. Deep down, they are suffering with feelings of utter desolation, which is so unbearable and unthinkable that they prefer to escape into a world of forced gaiety. If you are perceptive and observant, you will notice fleeting moments when the façade vanishes and you get a glimpse into the dismay that the person may actually be experiencing.

Erratic Sleeping and Eating Patterns

Most people with hidden depression have an odd relationship with food. You will often find them constantly eating, as though trying to fill up the void in their life with food. They will be especially drawn toward cakes, chocolates, or other sugary foods that create a temporary feeling of happiness and wellbeing.

They also suffer from fitful sleep patterns. Most of them are likely to be night owls, staying up till the wee hours and falling asleep with great difficulty. While they function reasonably well in the daytime, they may, on holidays, sleep through the entire day to make up for the lack of sleep.

Super-busy Lifestyle

They are constantly busy doing something. They are often energy powerhouses, flitting from one task to the other with a focus that may seem too intense to others. Keeping busy is a convenient way of keeping your feelings and emotions at bay, and these people have honed this art to perfection. Thus, you may find them taking on excessive responsibilities at work, at home and also having a full social calendar.

Elusive Aches and Pains or Chronic Fatigue

They often complain of vague aches and pains—headaches, backaches and stomach upsets being the most common. Or they may be in a state of perennial exhaustion, ready to crash physically at a moment’s notice.

Reckless Behavior

Play with fire is what people with hidden depression often love to do. They are casual, careless and flippant about their health, their safety and even their life. You may often notice them drinking excessively, clubbing or partying too much, driving too fast, spending too much, and generally treating themselves with a care-damn-attitude.

Uncharacteristic Emotional Outbursts

If your friend is normally a calm and grounded person, and has suddenly started having frequent and intense emotional outbursts, it could be an indicator that he or she is suffering from masked depression. Because these people typically run away from facing their emotions, there is usually an intense build-up of negative emotions, especially sadness and feelings of loneliness and emptiness. They may, at times, burst out at the slightest provocation, usually in the form of tears, or extreme rage and anger.

How to Help Someone Who Is Depressed

What should you do if you suspect someone you know and care about may be suffering from masked depression?

Suggesting to them that they might be suffering from depression may result in an outright denial and a further hardening of the mask. People with masked depression often have a hard time acknowledging their feelings and may be very ambivalent about seeking help or even admitting that they have a problem. In their weak moments, they may break down and admit to feelings of sadness, but in a short while, when the feeling has passed, they revert to the veneer that is so familiar. Let us look at some behaviours, actions and suggestions that you can offer, to help bring these people closer to the truth, and eventually, to getting the help they need:

• Model expression of emotions. Talk about your occasional negative feelings to them, thus silently communicating that it is okay to feel so.
• Whenever you notice the mask slipping, talk about it. If the person talks about something wistfully, encourage him or her to go on talking about what feelings are being experienced.
• Don’t allow them to distract you by their gaiety. If you notice them laughing at themselves, or making fun of themselves, calmly mention that it is not funny, and that there is no reason for them to deride themselves all the time.
• Provide unconditional positive regard and acceptance. This is one of the most fundamental of human needs. Making them feel good about themselves and their lives will go a long way in helping them feel supported.
• If it is a close family member, gently urge them to slow down. Offer to help them with the busy schedules they have created for themselves. Help them create free time in their routine; this will force them to stop and think about where they are headed emotionally.
• Encourage them to take up a hobby. Music, yoga, running, painting… Any of these, if pursued with a passion, are deeply meditative and centring activities, and will help them in a big way to get in touch with their emotions.
• Finally, when they are ready, urge them to seek professional help. Help them to understand that depression is not a sign of weakness; it’s a medical issue that requires intervention. Support them as they take their first steps toward recovery.

As you can see, hidden depression is, in some ways, more challenging than overt depression. Getting the person to acknowledge deep feelings of sadness and emptiness, helping them understand that this is a problem that needs help and getting them the help are issues that can create challenges. Yet, with the right support and encouragement of family, friends and loved ones, this mask can be torn off and the inner demons can be faced, fought and defeated.

The post How to Help a Loved One Suffering From Hidden Depression appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A cultured and successful fashion designer, Laila never understood why she would often find herself in the pits of depression. For no cause, she would be tearful and feel extremely unhappy and fatigued. She felt drained of energy and would see no purpose in carrying on with life. This phase would last for a few weeks, and suddenly one morning she would wake up cheerful, excited and keyed up. She would unexpectedly become a powerhouse of energy, creating and discarding hundreds of designs in a day, blabbering excitedly with clients, often without realising that what she was saying made no sense. After a week or two of this ‘high’ phase, she  would be down in the dumps again. She felt like a yo-yo, constantly shuttling between these extreme emotional states. After months of battling the emotional upheavals, Laila was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She learnt that her mood swings were not ordinary mood swings, but indicated a far more serious condition, one that required considerable care and attention.

What is bipolar disorder?

To put it simply, it is a condition where a person suffers from extreme mood cycles, swinging between elation and depression. In technical terms, it is a mood or affective disorder, where the key symptom is extreme fluctuations in mood, ranging from mania to depression. It is a disruptive psychiatric condition and can wreak havoc in the normal day-to-day functioning of the person suffering from it. In fact, one of the key indicators of bipolar disorder is that the changing moods impact the person’s social, occupational or educational life and create disruption. This inability to function is what sets apart bipolar disorder from temperamental mood swings.

The symptoms of bipolar disorder

Typically, a person may experience depression and mania in a cyclic fashion, each phase lasting from a few hours to a few weeks.

Depression: Most of us are familiar with the typical ‘low’ feeling that we experience at various points in our lives. Today, most of us are also aware of clinical depression, which is a far more severe and debilitating form of your everyday depression. Some typical symptoms of being in a depressed mood are:

• Generalised feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
• Loss of interest in everyday activities
• Considerable change in appetite [either loss or excess]
• Significant weight gain or loss
• Sleep changes [insomnia or hypersomnia]
• Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time
• Anger or irritability.

Mania: A manic episode is the opposite of a depressive episode. A manic person tends to be excessively active, has high energy levels and can show some or all of the following symptoms:

• Impulsive, reckless behaviour
• Excessive and fast speech
• Loss of sleep
• High energy levels
• Racing or fast thoughts
• Inflated sense of self.

Both these mood and behaviour patterns are not typical of the person’s normal personality. That is one of the hallmarks of the disorder. So, it’s not just a moody or temperamental person having one of his ‘fits’.

A word of caution

Deliberate self-harm is a very real concern with people suffering from bipolar disorder. These people are twice as likely [when compared to the general population] to attempt or commit suicide, and think about harming themselves on a regular basis. Thus, it is important that any talk about ending one’s life, no matter how transient, be taken with utmost seriousness.

The changing moods impact the person’s social, occupational or educational life

23-year-old Saahir had a lot going for him. He was a hardworking and motivated individual pursuing success on the academic front. His journey toward his goals, however, was cut short by the sudden onset of a manic episode during the last semester of his MBA course. The episode lasted three to four days, during which he ended up fighting with all his friends, maxing out his father’s credit card on a shopping spree, getting into a violent tizzy when questioned at home and flunking his most important exam. He was never known to be depressed or manic before, and this episode left a deep imprint on him. This manic phase was followed by a lull period, in which he thought that life was not worth living after all, and ended his life one evening, after a minor fight with his girlfriend.

What causes bipolar disorder?

Unfortunately, as is the case with many other psychiatric conditions, there is no clearly defined cause for the disorder. However, several factors have been implicated, some of which are:

Neurochemical imbalance: Certain chemicals in the brain, when imbalanced, result in symptoms of this disorder.

Genetic causes: Research has consistently shown that mood disorders tend to run in families, pointing toward a possible genetic connection. So far however, the specific gene involved in the manifestation of symptoms has not been identified. All that is known is that there could be a genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder.

Environmental factors: Factors such as a dysfunctional home atmosphere, physical or sexual abuse and alcoholism are said to aggravate symptoms. Again, research is not conclusive about this.

What are the treatment options?

Unfortunately, there is no simple, straightforward ‘cure’ for bipolar disorder. It is a chronic condition that calls for long-term management and a multi-pronged treatment approach.

Medication: This forms the first line of treatment. The medications primarily work on correcting the neurochemical imbalance, thereby reining in the symptoms. At times, medication may also be required to calm down the agitation, anxiety, and at times the aggressiveness that accompanies the disorder.

Psychotherapy: Counselling and therapy forms the other major arm of the treatment plan. Counselling helps patients and the families understand and come to terms with the disorder and its short- and long-term impact on their lives.

Alternative treatment modalities: More and more people are also turning toward alternative treatment modalities. Homoeopathy, ayurveda, reiki, hypnotherapy are treatment options that are known to have some beneficial effect on reducing the frequency and intensity of the manic and depressive episodes.

Other than this, there are several ways to minimise the onset of symptoms. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, here are some things you must bear in mind:

Recognise your triggers: Usually [though not always] there are certain things that trigger an episode for you. This could be anything ranging from conflict with a loved one, stress at work or engaging in a particular activity. Try to understand what ‘sets you off’ either into a manic state or hurtles you into depression. Once you have identified your trigger, stay away from it to the extent possible.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Erratic eating and sleeping patterns are known to exacerbate the symptoms of mood disorder. Thus, try to ensure adequate sleep and proper meals on time to ensure that your body is functioning smoothly and optimally.

Build a strong support network: Let people around you know of your disorder and its manifestations. Make sure they know what to do, especially if you have a sudden manic episode.

Join a support group: It helps to know that you are not alone. A support group puts you in touch with others who are sailing in the same boat, and there is so much scope for learning from peoples’ experiences.

Indulge in your hobbies: Spending time doing activities that you enjoy is immensely calming. Giving this kind of time to yourself also helps centre yourself, so you focus on things that matter to you. This is one of the best stress-busters you can create for yourself.

Erratic eating and sleeping patterns are known to exacerbate the symptoms of mood disorder

Learn relaxation techniques: Learning any technique or tool that helps you relax deeply will help you manage your mood better. Yoga, Vipassana, Brahma Vidya and Pranayama are some techniques that can help you achieve relaxation.

How to support someone suffering from bipolar disorder?

There are a lot of big and small ways in which you can support a loved one, a friend or a colleague who may be suffering from bipolar disorder.

Remain non-judgmental: This is the best gift that you can offer someone who may be suffering from the disorder. Often, these people tend to be very hard on themselves, especially after they are out of the cyclic phase, and find it difficult to come to terms with their own behaviour as it is contrary to their usual personality. Being supportive and non-judgmental can go a long way in making them feel accepted.

Keep calm: It can be hard to live with a person who tends to shuttle between extreme emotional states. It is almost like handling two different persons. Be patient and calm. It is easy to get irritated by someone who acts in reckless, impulsive and insensitive ways. At such times, remember that it’s not the person but the illness that is making them behave in these ways. It can be equally frustrating when the same person is depressed and talks of ending his life. Again, try to keep perspective, and know that this too, is a phase.

Educate yourself: Learn as much as you can about the disorder. It will help you to understand the person and his symptoms and you will learn ways to handle him in both manic and depressive states.

While it is true that there is no known cure for bipolar disorder, it can certainly be managed—so much so that a person suffering from it can lead a healthy and happy life. Accepting the disorder, and having a positive, proactive approach toward its management is the key to normalcy.

This was first published in the June 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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We all love the sound of our children’s laughter and their squeals of excitement. Their giggles and chatter are like sweet music to our ears. But what happens when our little bundles of joy turn into little bundles of trouble. “If children won’t be naughty now, then when,” is what some well meaning people may say to you. But if your child’s mischief transgresses the line of innocence into annoyance, you have to step in and opt for some corrective measures. So how does one decide where to draw the line and how to address the issues that come up?

Simple mischief or unruly behaviour

A child can be said to be engaging in unruly behaviour if:

• The intensity of his behaviours repeatedly disrupts the environment [be it home or outside]
• He is unable to control his mischief even in situations where maintaining discipline is mandatory
• Repeated bad consequences have no impact on his behaviour.

Why your child might be a menace

• Personality: All of us are born with innate characteristics. Some of us are reserved, some of us more exuberant. This is part of our genetic makeup. Thus, while some children are inherently quieter, others are more energetic, some may be thoughtful, others impulsive. Needless to say, children who are impulsive, spontaneous and high on energy may tend to get into more scrapes and tussles compared to the quieter ones. As parents, we have to understand the personality of our child, and introduce disciplinary measures accordingly.
• Parental approach to discipline: Just like children, parents have varying personalities as well. Some of us may be strict disciplinarians, others might be fairly lenient, and still others might be completely permissive. Sometimes a child may also express his or her rebelliousness or displeasure over something by being extremely mischievous and disobedient.
• Health and nutrition: A healthy, well-fed, well-rested child is far less likely to engage in unruly behaviour compared to an ill-nourished child. The importance of ensuring that your child eats a healthy and nutritious diet, and gets his required amount of sleep cannot be undermined. Children often do not realise that they are hungry, sleepy, or tired and these conditions manifest in the form of disruptive or irritable behaviour.
• Unhappy home atmosphere: If a child is growing up in a home that is rife with conflict or unhappiness of any kind, he is far more likely to be notorious. This is because children find it difficult to articulate their fears, anxieties and insecurities. The only way they know how to communicate is through behaviours that will ensure the attention of the adults around them.
• Developmental disorders: At times children may display disruptive, destructive, or hyperactive behaviours because they may be suffering from a developmental or psychological condition. Autistic disorder, Asperger’s syndrome, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and conduct disorder are some childhood psychological conditions that may manifest in the form of defiant or disruptive behaviour. Childhood depression, which is far more common than it is believed to be, is also expressed by children through such behaviours, as is evident from the example that follows.

Six-year-old Dhriti was a happy child, who always got along well with her friends and did well in academics. When she started her third year in school, there was a marked change in her behaviour. At the slightest provocation she would hit other children in class, and when reprimanded by her teacher, would burst into a fit of tears. She no longer focussed on her studies and her grades began dropping. At home she had become very disobedient and untidy. On counselling her, it was discovered that her behaviour was triggered after the birth of her younger sister because all the attention was being showered on the newborn. Her parents had, unknowingly, not been giving her enough attention and hence she sought other ways to get them to look at her.

Dealing with disruptive kids

Unfortunately, there is no one formula that would fit all children and in different situations. We have to look at our child, his personality makeup, his specific triggers and issues, and figure out what works best for him. Here are some tips for you to begin with.

• Make sure your child has a set daily routine. Ensure that the child wakes up at more or less the same time every day, eats, naps, studies, plays in a routine that is comfortable and familiar to her. As parents, you have to be flexible with the schedule, especially with younger and more spontaneous children. However, children need the security of a structured environment to help them make sense of the world around them.
• Ensure proper rest and nutrition. Children will naturally gravitate towards junk food. Balance that with wholesome and healthy food as per your child’s preferences. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Insist on a time by which your child has to be in bed daily; this is true for younger as well as older children!
• Provide moderate but consistent discipline. One does not need to become a dictator to ensure compliance. At the same time, being completely permissive will not teach the child the necessity to control his desires and impulses. And remember, the earlier you teach your child these lessons, the better he will be able to internalise this.
• Communicate. If your family is going through some crisis or trauma, please talk to your child about it. No matter what his age. We often make the mistake of shielding our child from reality. However, children are perceptive. They know when something is wrong. And when we don’t talk to them about it, they draw their own conclusions. So whatever it is that you as a family are going through—a divorce, an illness, a financial crisis, a house change—talk to your children about it. Share your feelings, and help them share theirs. This will enable them to express their worries through words rather than through inappropriate behaviours.
• Accept your child’s personality and work around it. Don’t push a shy child to perform in front of an audience. Don’t ridicule an imaginative child for his daydreaming. An impulsive child will need to be given advance preparation for a social function, given repeated reminders on expected behaviours, and perhaps even given an opportunity to rehearse those behaviours. You might want to give the child some quiet time or engage him in a quiet activity before getting into a social situation where he is likely to misbehave.
• When in doubt, evaluate: As parents, you will be the first one to sense if there is something wrong with the child. If you get the slightest doubt that your child’s misbehaviour is not due to any of the usual issues, and could be due to some underlying disturbance or disorder, do not hesitate to consult experts. You can talk to your school counsellor, a psychologist, a developmental paediatrician or a psychiatrist. Go for a complete psychological evaluation that will help pinpoint the exact profile of the child, so that corrective measures can be taken.

Lastly, keep perspective. It bears repeating that every child is his own little person, and his or her behaviour is an expression of a combination of things—the personality, the environment, people around them, challenges he or she faces. Our job as parents, at all times, is to ensure that we inculcate the right behavioural responses in the child, and when the child does not comply, rather than reacting, try to understand what are the triggers behind such behaviours and work towards alleviating those triggers.

This was first published in the February 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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