This true story of successful entrepreneur and author John Assaraf is a testimony to the phenomenal power of vision boards. His explanation of the same in the DVD of ‘The Secret’ is no secret.

But, what are vision boards? How do you create one for yourself? And, once created, how do you use them?

A vision board is a board which has images and text that clarify your dreams and desires. It is used as a visualisation technique and is believed to exemplify the universal ‘law of attraction’.

A vision board brings together images and thoughts of important goals in your life in a visually appealing way. It literally gives you the ‘big picture perspective’ of your life. To put it in the words of Christine Kane, president of Uplevel You, a company for entrepreneurs and creative people, “your life changes to match those images and those desires”.

How do they work?

“When you put your attention on something, you experience more of it. Maybe it is created by a magical force of attention. At the very least, you are going to selectively pay attention to these things you like once you selectively start to gear yourself to focus on them more” says Martha Beck, Life coach and columnist with O, The Oprah Magazine.

Vision board believers suggest that the universal ‘law of attraction’ is the driving force behind their working. According to the law, everything that we are attracting in our life is through the images we hold in our minds [or in this case, our vision boards].

Shamala Chavan, a Mumbai based practitioner of the Infant Siddha Program, [a parenting program] is a staunch believer in vision charts. “Not only have I benefitted from these, but so have many parents who come for my course. Having a vision itself is a direction. If you enhance that by putting it in words and on paper, and by repeating it, and looking at it several times, you are emotionalising it and activating the law of attraction” she mentions.

Thoughts are taken to have frequency and power. These thoughts and images become potent tools. And, if we know how to use them, we can affect great changes in our lives. The vision board is a starting point. It is the one place where these images and thoughts converge.

The whole process of making the vision board can be quite cathartic. You get some time out with yourself and it’s a great starting point for your dreams

Making a vision board

Keats knew what he was saying when he said that “a thing of beauty is a joy forever”. Vision boards need to be magnetic and meaningful. Don’t your dreams deserve a creative expression?

Broadly speaking, you could make your vision board in the following steps:

• Begin by browsing magazines, images and words in order to come up with those that you find inspirational. Spend a few quiet moments thinking about what you want from your life and come up with a list of words and images that will be the main ingredients of your vision chart.
• Use your intuition and select the images that feel right. You could even browse images online. You may get the sense that some images or words are speaking to you and somehow attract your attention. Chances are these are the right ones for you. You may then group the images according to themes. The key is to feel the images and not be bound by whether you think they are practical or not.
• Arrange the images and text on the board and keep re-arranging till you feel satisfied that it represents your innermost wishes and visions for your life. Then, glue all these images and text to the board. At this stage you may also edit out the images that you feel are not relevant for you at the moment.
• Put a happy and beaming picture of yourself right in the centre. Or, use one powerful quote in the centre. This acts as a kind of ‘peg’ and holds the chart together.
• Lastly, hang the board where you can see it often. Strategically position it so that each time you see it, it can evoke happy feelings in you. Spend time viewing it at least once a day. Some people also take images of the vision board and put it on their laptops or computer screens.

The whole process of making the board can be quite cathartic. You get some time out with yourself. However, if you want to get it done with a group of like-minded people, so be it! Mommy blogger Colleen Lanin, invited a group of gals for a vision board party. And there was the task accomplished!

Updating your board

Change is constant and as we move on in life, so do our dreams and ambitions. It may be a good idea to return to your board from time to time to take stock. Maybe you could do it every New Year’s or on your birthdays to give some kind of continuity to it. Review how far you have
accomplished the goals you set out to achieve. If not, where did you go wrong? You may then use this opportunity to update your vision board and tune it to match your current life scenario.

Sharing the board

Whether you should have a common vision board with others or restrict it only to your own desires is a matter of personal preference and comfort. Sometimes, we may have shared goals. For example, parents may have shared visions for their children and so it makes sense to have a common board that both partners believe in. However, there are aspects of our life that are independent of others. In such cases, we need individual boards. A family can have a common board with corners representing individual goals and the centre representing common goals.

There is also the question of whether to share your board to others. Again, it all depends on your comfort level. Some people like to keep their dreams to themselves, but there are others who do not mind sharing it with others. To each his own! Neither is right or wrong.

When they don’t work

One reason why vision boards don’t work is that they are too cluttered. That, according to Evelyn Lim, author of Abundance Alchemy, Journey of Gold and vision board coach could prevent you from focusing on it effectively. If this is the case, rework your board and make it clutter-free.

For vision boards to be effective, they must reflect your innate self. According to Beck, “To really work, a vision board has to come not from your culture but from your primordial, non-social self—the genetically unique animal/angel that contains your innate preferences”. Hence, many boards that fail to achieve the goals set out do so because the ‘visions’ projected were not actually what the person really wanted but was motivated by external conditioning. You can avoid this pitfall by being completely honest with yourself as you make your board.

Beck also feels that “one cannot continue to push what is already set in motion”. Once your vision board is done, let it be! No need to obsess over it! Give it time to work its magic.

Sometimes people give up on vision boards too fast. Moreover, they need to realise that they also have to help themselves. Complete lack of effort from their side is not going to get the universe moving.

A vision board needs enough attention to work. You may not obsess over it, but you’ve got to give it the focus that it deserves. Thus, you must place it where you can see it often, for maximum effectiveness.

Weave in technology

If you happen to stare at your iPad or computer screen more than the walls of your house, you may as well install an app or a program that allows you to view you vision board on your screen. Happytapper.com has phone and iPad apps for creating vision boards. A google search will reveal lots of sites to help you with vision boards for sourcing images and quotes and also for actually creating one, online.

This was first published in the October 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Asking questions and finding answers

William Allin said, “Education is not about answering questions, it is about questioning answers.” We need to encourage our children to think critically and question what they observe around them, rather than become passive recipients of what life offers. Every child’s brain is held hostage by innumerable questions; however, parents should not extinguish this desire for learning and discovering.

As children grow, we must teach them how to find their own answers and path. In fact, many schools and systems now have adopted an inquiry based approach to learning in order to augment these skills in children.

Educating future work-force

One of my friends once grumbled that the worst part of not having domestic help was having to organise her kids’ toys after they scattered them around at the end of the day.

In another instance, at a party I once attended, a little girl didn’t budge from her seat and waited for her maid to dispose her paper plate. On probing why she didn’t toss the plate herself she exclaimed, “How would I know where to find the garbage bin?” I wondered what’s behind this dependence from a five-year-old?

We either complete all our kids’ chores or hire help for them to such an extent that they never learn to be independent in running their own errands. As they grow, we sometimes fail to educate them to be independent in their thoughts too. Get a hold on your desire to do every thing for your child, because he will have to be on his own someday.

Home economics

Understanding that parents work hard to earn a living doesn’t require a mature mind, it requires communication. It’s important to make your child aware about the importance and management of money.

Money is important and the management of the same even more so. Learning how to make a budget and sticking to it, saving, frugality, paying bills and investing are some of the money related skills that children must know.

For a toddler, saving money in the piggy bank and buying a treat later can introduce the concept of saving. For a school going child, opening and operating a bank account teaches the same. For a teenager, letting him invest his savings reinforces the concept. Similarly, an allowance can be a very effective tool. Introducing any other age appropriate money concept should always be welcomed.

Winning ways to communicate feelings

From toddler-hood, it is important for parents to teach children how to recognise and communicate what they are feeling. This goes a long way in building the personality of the child and relationships with others. Children must be able to tell parents when they are happy, excited, upset, sad, scared, jealous, stressed or tired. For example, your child must be allowed to say, “I am feeling jealous that my friend has this toy and I don’t.” The moment the child recognises, accepts and expresses this feeling, you will be able be handle it as a parent by gently explaining the fact that it is okay to want things that others have, but it is not always possible. This situation would be easier to deal with than having a child throw tantrums over a toy.

Our behaviour is a manifestation of what is going on in our minds. When children can communicate feelings to the significant people in their lives, it helps them to become better at all the relationships that they will built in the course of their lives.

Integrating information effectively

With Google at our fingertips, we are loaded with information at the drop of a hat. However, having information is one thing and using it is another matter all together. Teach children to sieve the relevant from the irrelevant. Education is becoming more application based and many schools are already implementing this skill. They give students the tools and the information and expect them to synthesise and use the same to show their learning.

Get a hold on your desire to do every little thing for your child, because he will have to be on his own someday

Charity and the larger good

Schools and teachers often focus on core-mandated curricula and forget to enlighten children on the significance of philanthropy. Teaching your child to be charitable towards the less fortunate right from an early age will not only sensitise his mind and make him a better human being but also empower him. For a young child, feeding animals or gifting something to a less fortunate person introduces this concept. Older children can be encouraged to donate stuff to orphanages. Teenagers can volunteer in causes that are dear to them and take charity to an entirely new level. Plus, their act will have an incredible impact on their peers too.

Ways to go about it

Now that you know which skills you need to target, the next question is how can you impart these skills to your children? There are four ways of doing this successfully and generally a combination of these techniques works for any given skill-set.

Set an example yourself: You need to know you’re a pastor of your home and your children are your congregates. And the best and most effective way to teach them anything is to set the right example. If your child observes you donating things or helping needy people on a regular basis, you will never have to teach him that. It will come instinctively.

Talk and discuss: Make ‘discussions’ your ally. Sometimes having an open two way chat [not a lecture] with children helps impart skills. Discuss different subjects with them and get their opinions and share your views too. If the discussion is honest and two-sided it will definitely benefit your child. For example, discussions about the importance of right investments can make a big difference to financial skills of teenagers. Take newspaper reports and examples from all around you to talk about issues such as safety and abuse.

Formal learning: Enhance and expand their skills by being on a constant lookout for new kid-friendly, interactive and age appropriate workshops and courses. Workshops on specific skills such as first-aid, etiquette, personal defence, managing finances, internet safety and so on can be worthwhile for every child. Formal training to learn skills is appropriate for older children.

Be age appropriate: Don’t try to imprint a significant skill by giving children sermons but keep a spark of novelty alive in every lesson, at every age. For example, as a toddler you can teach your child to be safe and distant from fire and sharp objects. For a young child, you can also add road safety measures to this skill. And for a teenager, talk to him about safe driving, substance abuse, protecting oneself from danger and so on. The same technique can be used for all skills.

Based on child’s requirements and age, a parent must take a decision and tailor the concepts as to what level of the skill must be addressed.

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The whole process of maintaining fear diaries includes three simple steps, which are described below along with their advantages.

Put your fears in black and white

Make a section in your personal diary, or better still, get a separate ‘fear diary’ that you can keep in a safe but easily accessible place. Whenever you are worried about something, write down your fear in plain and clear terms, on the top of the page. This statement should also include the consequences you fear and not just the thing or event you fear.

For example, instead of writing “I am scared of public speaking”, write “I am scared that people will laugh at me when I make a speech on the Annual Day”. It is in your best interest to be brutally honest and very specific. Now, leave at least two sides of the page for the next steps. Other fears can go on the subsequent pages in the same manner.

What is the whole point of writing down fears? According to Dr Reid Wilson, Ph D and a specialist in anxiety disorder treatment, worrying causes the same thought to repeat in our head. However, writing down worries changes our perspective on the issue. We may even begin to realise how repetitive and senseless some of our worries are.

Lynn Robinson, an intuition expert, coach, author and consultant believes that writing down worries leads to awareness of both our worries and the habit of worrying.

Chart an action plan

The next step is to write down an action plan to get rid of or deal with your fear. For the example given above, you may decide “Write down and practice my speech in front of three trusted and capable friends for at least a week before the function”. Now that you know what to do, what is left is doing it.

According to William Sanderson, PhD, worry can help you resolve problems, anticipate and prepare for future events. This happens only when you are ready with a plan to deal with the worries.

Lynn Robinson has a bit of advice about writing down solutions and action plans. She recommends writing down only four simple steps to resolve your worry. The simpler they are, the better it is, as it increases your likelihood of actually implementing them.

Evaluate the plan

Below each action plan, you will write the evaluation. This consists of two parts. Firstly, you need to evaluate the action plan.

Analyse and evaluate your way of dealing with your fear. Find out what worked for you and what did not. Evaluation of action plans tells a lot about the effectiveness of your coping mechanisms.

The second part is evaluating yourself. This can be done in retrospect and at ease. What do your fears say about you? Is there a common pattern emerging?

For example, if most of your fears are related to people and social events, does this tell you something about yourself? Do you need to get more help overall in that area? Do you need to change your attitude or even get some basic changes in your life? Of course, when we look back at our past fears we learn so much about our lives and ourselves. Studying all your fears together forms the second part of evaluation.

Davis, Eshelman and Mc Kay in their book Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook rightly advocate evaluation of worries, which becomes easy to do if you have all of them written down in one place.

They suggest that this habit will make it possible for us to see if our worries are realistic or if we are overestimating or ignoring certain crucial factors.

Once you have a fear diary, do remember to refer to it time and again and make an effort to learn from it. Real fears run deep and wide. You may choose to include every little fear or just deal with the more serious ones. A fear diary will make all the difference if maintained and used properly. And yes, it will also make for interesting reading few years down the line!

This was first published in the October 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“An interior that doesn’t suit your personality aesthetically can have a negative effect on you. We are all different so that means creating an interior, which is balanced and harmonious with your lifestyle, more importantly, an interior, which is fine-tuned to your individual wellbeing,” writes Ireland-based interior architect and designer Nicola Elizabeth Jones on her website.

You can do this by making some very simple basic changes in the decor. It is not about Feng Shui or vaastu shashtra. It is about moulding your home to your being. “A designer can provide their clients with the best of the products that money can buy, but unless the home owners do not personalise it, the place is as good as a hotel suite,” says Mumbai-based interior designer Tvisha Dharia.

A reflection of yourself

Our homes actually have a remarkable link to our health and well-being. This is because our homes are but extensions of ourselves. If we assert ourselves here and let our houses grow and change with us, and if our homes become “warm and inviting” rather than “beautiful but cold”, it will increase our sense of happiness.

Even if designers are doing up your home, there are some factors, which put your own unique stamp on your house. This is what personalisation is all about.

Look around your house. What do you see? Does every nook and corner of your home speak to you? Can you identify with your home? Do you feel it reflects you as a person? If not, it’s time to get up, close and personal! Have a look at your home and do some thinking.

Beautify your home

Here are some ways to give that exclusive personal touch to your home:

Let pictures do the talking

Nothing portrays your individuality as much as your pictures. “By means of a photograph you can give an insight to visitors into your personal life. It’s also a great conversation starter. Above all, it helps you relive the moments shared with loved ones,” says Dharia. The very essence of clicking photographs is to capture pleasant memories and the best way to recall the times is to display them.

By displaying pictures of your loved ones, the statement you make is that ‘we the people in these photographs are proud owners of the house, we love each other and that love makes this house our home’.

But, there is a way to display photos. Invest in good-looking photo frames and put up an assortment of family photos on a wall or on table tops. You can even arrange them as a family tree. Corridors and passages offer a lot of space to display pictures. You can even use digital frames or print them on tiles.

Display hobbies and collectibles

All humans are intrinsically collectors. But most of our collections are stacked away in drawers and boxes. Your collections, if displayed will add distinctiveness to your home that cannot be matched by expensive showpieces.

It is important to identify how and where you want to display your collections. For example, stamps could be displayed in an album on the coffee table in the living room. Perfume bottles can be arranged to form an enticing display. Your postcard collection could find its way on the jolly board or magnetic board in your study.

You can think of different ways to proudly display your collection. Besides adding to the style quotient of your home, it will give your hobby a boost.

Show off family treasures and heirlooms

Things that have been passed down the ages deserve an esteemed place. The big copper pot that may have been used in your great-grandmothers kitchen can have a lot of ‘style value’ in your living room and emotional value in your heart. “These items help in adding that extra something to your house and make it your own special haven, a place you come to, your home” concludes Tvisha.

So, scoop around for items that you think are redundant and belong to the past, but yet are special to you. If you think creatively, you’ll be surprised at how appropriately they can be used even now.

Let your home reflect your needs, lifestyle and values

The structure and decor of your house needs to reflect your lifestyle too. So, if you are an avid reader, create a reading corner in the living room or a shelf dedicated to books. If you are a board games buff, have a table in the hall that displays the games. The idea is to think about what you like and how you can make your house reflect that.

“We included a lot of space for plants and landscapes and even had an area for pots on shelves in the living room, for one of my client who was a nature lover,” says Mumbai-based interior designer Darshini Shah.

“It is these little factors that add to the positive vibes in a house. Ultimately, when come home and see your familiar things that matter to you, it makes you feel happy to be home,”

Personalise even little things

There are several small ways by which you can personalise stuff that you use on a day-to-day basis. For example, you can get your name or photos printed on towels, mugs and other little things.

In fact, on a trip to Goa, I visited an old Portuguese house where they had ordered cutlery from China with their initials imprinted. Even the crockery designs matched the decor of the house.

If you are just doing up your home it would be wise to discuss these points with your interior designer and then work on it. However, a lot of changes can also be incorporated later. You only need to get in touch with yourself, and tune in to your house.

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It is common to see children engage in pretend play or dramatic play where they pretend to be someone else or something else. Their day-to-day life experiences and their imagination provide raw material for this endeavour.

It’s good to pretend

In the book, What to Expect—The Toddler Years, authors Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg and Sandy Hathaway talk about imagination, a vital ingredient of pretend play. They call it the fertile force that “enables a young child to be as resourceful as an engineer, as inventive as a scientist, as visionary as an architect, as innovative as a designer, as fanciful as a poet and as caring as a parent”.

They support its occurrence quoting some of its advantages: It relieves children of boredom; it is a good way to promote verbal skills, strengthen social skills, improve problem-solving skills and deal with fears and problems.

Rupal Patel, a parent and child counsellor from Mumbai, adds “Besides developing imaginative ability, pretend play helps to build up the attention span of the child since it requires him to be focused on a particular thing”.

Helps discover your child

Mumbai-based clinical psychologist, Shefali Gandhi, is all praises for such play. “Fantasy play is also an emotional release for pent-up emotions within the child. They end up feeling a lot more relaxed. In pretend play, the child sometimes has to get into another person’s shoes. This indirectly helps him understand the other person’s point of view. This develops thinking as well.

Besides, this kind of play lets an observant parent know about the frustrations, insecurities and talents of the child and also the child’s opinions about significant people in his life.” she says. Well, aware parents can use information gauged from such play sessions to introspect [and improve] their bonding with the child.

Geeta Joshi, a clinical psychologist in Mumbai, agrees that pretend play is indicative of child dynamics. “How a child talks or behaves in a pretend play session is reflective of what is happening in his life.

Even if everything is going fine, pretend play can bring forth the aggressive tendencies in the child, if there are any. Both positive and negative traits of the child can be identified, ” she explains. She adds that in psychotherapy, pretend play is often used with young children to understand the untold underlying overtones of a situation.

Parents’ role in the play

Here are some ways how you encourage your child to engage in pretend play:

Create a pro-pretend play environment

Parents have to first acknowledge that this kind of play is beneficial to the child. He thus deserves time and space for the same. Don’t cram too many activities in his day, he must have free time for dramatic play as well. Also, don’t dismiss it as unimportant and silly. Even if you don’t openly say it, children get the vibes.

Play with them

Gandhi suggests that parents could try and initiate pretend play directly. A simple suggestion such as “Let’s play teacher-teacher” should do the trick. Let the child choose the role he wants to play. “Parents will realise that the child often chooses the more authoritative role. He may also want to interchange roles often,” she says.

Moreover, if children engage in pretend play, do play the role of the supporting actor, until your child wills otherwise.

Don’t interfere

Parents should realise that their participation in pretend play should be by invitation only. It is your child’s private world and you have no right to be a trespasser. You can be an onlooker, but, don’t interfere with your suggestions and demands. If the child is playing well by himself don’t interrupt. If you do the talking and guide the play session, the child’s natural imaginative tendencies will be curbed.

Shower tools and props

Patel suggests providing simple toys that would enable creativity to come out. “Even if you just give them blocks, they can make them into houses, bridges, castles and such other things,” she states. It is a good idea to have a box full of props that can make a play session interesting.

Old clothing items, sunglasses, caps and puppets are few items that could be put in. Also, have kits such as a doctor’s box, barber’s kit or carpenter’s tool box and the like. Make it available to him based on the interest of your child, to make enacting more realistic.

Provide support

If you see your child playing doctor-doctor, try and get books and toys that will give him more information. This will make his make-believe play more interesting the next time around. If he is pretending to be a carpenter or plumber, take them to watch these helpers in action. Whenever possible, see that you can add on to his existing knowledge. It will add value to the play [and educational benefits as well.]

Record it

These moments of carefree play will not last forever. Before your child is grounded with the realities of life and becomes ‘big’, record his make-believe world in video, photographs or words. Video seems to be the best. They will love looking at themselves later.

A cause for concern

Patel also emphasises that if overdone, there is a cause for concern. “While it is important for children to learn to play by themselves in their own fantasy world, it should not make them turn so much inwards that they refuse to socialise”. She adds that balance is key.

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Faces of persuasion

Persuasion means influencing people to adopt a certain attitude or way of thinking or to perform a particular action. The direct ways to influence people involve logical arguments, reasoning, requests, commands and even force and authority! However, there are also several ‘subtle’ [yet obvious] influence techniques that are often used on us without our knowledge.

The practice of propaganda is a fine example.

Propaganda

Propaganda involves presenting information [which is generally subjective and biased] in an emotional way to effect a change in attitude and behaviour. It is presented so forcefully that it seems to be the absolute truth without any scope of questioning its reliability.

Hitler’s government used propaganda to “brainwash” people to seek support for its policies. This technique is commonly used in cults, religious movements and political parties. People are swayed towards a particular mode of thought without even knowing it.

On introspection, we can definitely come out with examples where others have tried to influence us in subtle ways.

Favour for favour

“A college friend used to quite persistently lend her class notes [easy to make] to a friend and me. We unsuspectingly accepted this ‘favour’. Later when we had to submit our final assignments [which required a lot of independent research], she sought our help, which we reluctantly offered. We realised that we had not asked for her help in the first place and yet were feeling guilty about wanting to refuse to help her,” remembers Prachi Shah, a student.

Another way of persuading people to get your work done is to first get them to agree to a small favour then follow it with a request for a larger favour. American psychologists Freedman and Fraser call this the “Foot-in-the-door” technique.

An example of that would be, if you ask someone directions to an address, and they tell you, they are more likely to accompany you to the place if you request them.

Praise

Sometimes people tend to make you feel good about yourself, before asking a favour of you. Deepika Aggarwal, a special needs teacher, recalls how once some salesmen came to her house and asked for water. “I was courteous. They praised me and called me quite ‘considerate’. Then they asked me to buy coupons of their product. I felt so bad to say no [though I did refuse eventually],” she recalls.

Homemaker Falguni Mehta recounts similar experiences. “I’ve always had friends and relatives praise me for my bargaining skills. I realised that I ended up unwillingly going out for shopping with them several times.” When people make you feel good about yourself, it’s difficult to turn down their demands. Psychologists Graham Vaughan and Michael Hogg call this ‘ingratiation’, which is a type of impression management.

Authority

Some people do not give you a chance to say no or to exercise your will, especially if they are in a position of power. Your agreement to their demand is often assumed. What can you do when your boss asks you, “Wouldn’t you love to come along to the meeting after work?” knowing quite well you’ll end up going anyway, even if it’s the last thing you want to do.

More ways

Some other persuasion techniques are seduction [charming someone by appealing to their senses], the power of which we are all too familiar with. Then, there is tradition. How many times have you done something unwillingly and unquestioningly just because it is the ‘tradition’?

Brainwashing is used extensively by people who have a strong emotional influence over us. Deception or presenting wrong information to others to get them act on something is quite widespread [look at all the ads around us!]. Then, there are emotional appeals—best illustrated in movies—commonly used to exert influence.

Psychological research is filled with different techniques and many books have been written on the topic. There is a whole new market of pop-psychology books that teach us how to influence people.

But don’t get paranoid about the whole thing, it is quite natural for people to use these techniques. After all, everyone’s intentions are not bad! Yet, it is valuable to understand this phenomenon rather than live under the illusion that we control our behaviour completely.

How it affects us

When our free-will is thus attacked, particularly intentionally, we experience negative feelings that affect our self-esteem.

It leads to feelings of helplessness and resentment. We don’t question other’s intentions and that’s why we give in to influence attacks.

And then suffer from hidden anger and guilt pangs when we end up doing things that we otherwise— devoid of influence—would not have done.

Turning the tables

How do we handle such situations then? The first step is to become aware of the techniques that operate in our lives in a subtle manner. As Smith and Mackie put it in their book Social Psychology, “People often seek to resist persuasion, and one of their best weapons is awareness”.

Then, try and identify what technique or type of influence is being used on you. Is someone getting you to do things by flattery? Or by threatening you? Or silently making use of your inability to speak up? You don’t need to be a psychologist to do that. It’s mere common sense.

Now, develop your own action plan for the situation depending on the situation, people you are dealing with and your position in the issue. The best thing to do is to make the influencer aware that you have identified his tactic [he may doing it unintentionally] and that you are not going to give in. This does the trick most of the times.

The post Protect yourself from forces of influence appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Start early

Actually, it is never too early to start. In his book, The Reading Handbook, Jim Trelease, gives us an interesting point to consider. He asks parents about when they start talking to their children. The obvious answer is—as soon as they are born. Well, it’s the same about reading. Even an infant can be read to. We need not think that children have to understand stuff before we read to them.

In fact, it is when we read and convey information to them, that they will begin understanding things. In a press statement, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that when parents come for routine check-ups, pediatricians should prescribe reading activities for children. Such is the importance of reading early to your child.

Here are a few tips to get your to child read and love it too.

Make reading a ritual

Children thrive on rituals. If they know what to expect, it makes life easier for them. It is good to have a reading ritual where you read to your child every day. Slowly, she will develop the habit of reading. In those special moments, she will learn about the magic of words and absorb new knowledge.

Moreover, it will make for some quality time together with you. Gradually, you too will understand her reading preferences and will know the kind of books she likes and the things she likes to learn. Continue reading to your children even when they get older—only now, pick up more challenging books.

Although most people swear by the before-bedtime reading ritual, pick any time of the day to read as you find convenient. A fixed reading time does not mean that you ‘have to’ read only in that time; it’s important to be flexible.

Set an example

Children learn by observing. So if you want your child to be a reader, you have to be one too. Besides reading together, give your child several opportunities to see you reading alone.

Don’t give lack of time as an excuse. How about finishing that novel on a lazy Sunday morning instead of flipping channels? When they see you read, they will mentally register that it is a fun and important thing to do. If other family members too are avid readers the influence is sure to rub on to your child.

Discuss what you read

When children start to read on their own, reserve some time for discussing what you both are reading. Share interesting bits you read with each other and talk about how it applies to your lives. If you read about something and see it in real life, make it a point to draw their attention to the fact. This makes reading more relevant and fun to children, making them want to read more.

Have a reading corner

To make it more engaging for the children, create their own cosy corner for reading in the house. Put up a small chair with cushions and desk where they can read comfortably. If space allows, keep a separate shelf for their books in that corner.

Formulate supporting activities

There are many activities besides reading that indirectly support reading. Bookshops and libraries often conduct literary activities that help pique the child’s interest in literature.

According to a booklet published by the Centre for Language in Primary Education, London, children learn to read not only when parents read to them, but also when they listen to them talking—when they talk to them about everyday happenings and encourage children to write and express themselves.

Subscribing to a magazine that is appropriate for your child’s age helps generate interest. Children love the anticipation of waiting for their copy to come every week or month. Read it and discuss it together.

Children can even start a book club with their friends, where they can exchange books with each other. Their club can meet once a week to discuss what they have read. Another reading-related activity is visiting a bookstore. Make it a habit to spend some time with your child browsing through books at a bookshop. Watching movies based on the books you have read together is fun too. Use your imagination to make reading interesting for your child.

While the above points are relevant for all age groups your choice of books depends on your child’s age. Go by what your child likes. Just remember one golden rule: If you and your child don’t enjoy the activity, then stop it immediately. There is no point forcing your child. Try it againin a stress-free environment and you are sure to succeed.

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Sheetal is going through the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’, a term used to describe the psychological condition of parents when their children leave home [for education, after marriage or for work] or no longer require them in the same manner on a day-to-day basis. Life is never the same again. This happens particularly in the case of parents, who have a very strong bond with the child or if the mother has been a full-time parent, ignoring her work and hobbies in the bargain.

Anyone who has a child at home, knows how ’empty’ the house feels when the child is out, even for a few hours. Our lives revolve around our children and when they start their own lives, we may feel derailed. It is a common misconception that mothers are more affected by it than fathers because of their hands-on involvement.

In fact, fathers are more affected by children leaving home as they are not prepared for it, according to studies conducted by Helen M DeVries, an associate professor of psychology at Wheaton College in USA.

Here is a little more on this interesting condition.

Are you one of them?

You may have Empty Nest Syndrome if you show these symptoms.

• Depression is the most common symptom. Signs include excessive crying; feeling withdrawn from normal routines, duties and friends; decreased energy; insomnia and a persistent sad mood. It is a cause for concern if symptoms last over a week.
• Mothers may experience uselessness. When children are home, mothers have many things to do for them. It now seems there is nothing to do.
• Couples may also feel emptiness in their marriage. As the kids are priority most of their time is spent on kids, so problems in the marriage do not surface. Now, with children being absent, parents have to confront these issues.

How you can cope with the Empty Nest syndrome

• Seek counselling: It helps to have a listening ear. Counselling may help some parents look at the situation positively and take constructive steps towards rebuilding their lives.
• Stay busy: You can use the time to take up activities you missed out because of your responsibilities as a parent. Getting busy doing something that is creative and fulfilling is the best way to beat the empty nest blues.
• Develop friendships: You can rekindle old friendships, form new ones or renew relationships, which you may have ignored over the years.
• Stay in touch: Stay in touch with your children. If they are away, schedule regular phone-talks or visits.
• Be positive: Changing your perspective really helps. At this stage, you are free from the day-to-day parenting duties and now can work at establishing a mature relationship with your ‘adult’ children. You can look back with satisfaction at a life dedicated to your children and now have the opportunity to do things you love. What could be a better situation than that?

Preparing in advance

Prevention is better than cure. All of us who have children have to be prepared to let them go one day. Rather than being taken aback with shock, it would do us good to prepare ourselves for this eventuality. What’s more, it will show us doors that we never knew existed. This can be done in the following ways:

• Acknowledge that your child will not need you in the same way forever. Accepting this is difficult for most parents.
• Plan ahead for the time when they will lead their own lives away from you. Think of things you will do when you finally get that time off.
• Keep busy and have a lot on your to-do list. You are a distinct personality, apart from your children. You need to have your own activities, hobbies and friends. While children will always remain a priority, remember, that you as a person and as a couple are equally important.

For some, the Empty Nest Syndrome can be really bad, while for others may not get affected by it and in fact, enjoy this ‘free’ period of life.

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If you feel you could achieve more with your time, or if you use the popular ‘lack of time’ excuse to explain a lot of undone [but important] tasks in your life, take a look at these traps. Do you have a tendency to fall into them?

Avoid these 7 time-wasting pitfalls

1. Avoiding an important activity

Do you have a tendency to use your time and energy on things that are less productive, just to avoid a more important activity? It is usual to suddenly discover new things to do in order to avoid an important task. You may realise that your desk needs some cleaning on the eve of an important submission. Do the important task first and not waste time on a small or trivial task.

2. Involving too many people

The popular adage ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’ certainly holds true. Some tasks are best done alone or by limited people. When a group of individuals get together, there is a huge collection of views and ideas. This is good for a brainstorming session. However, when it comes to planning and executing a task, more people can be a nuisance.

Check to see if you tend to depend too much on others for help, even when it is possible for you to do a task alone. Try going solo and see how much time you save.

3. Being a perfectionist

We are brought up to look up to perfectionists. It is also important to realise that sometimes this habit can reduce our effectiveness. It is indeed important to do a task well. But being picky about every minute detail will distract you from your original goal. It will frustrate you and leave you dissatisfied with the result. You could have spent the time bettering an already good project on newer projects. Many perfectionists are also afraid of mistakes and are wary of delegating work. This leads them to waste more time on a single activity.

Ask yourself if you have unrealistic expectations from your self. If you have done a task reasonably well, let go of it and do something else rather than hover around it in order to make it better. Don’t let perfection hinder efficiency.

4. Not prioritising

There will always be too many things to do in life and little time to do them. The only way out of this situation is to know what is important for us. In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R Covey, advices us to ‘keep our mission in mind’. When we are faced with a lot to do, being clear about our priorities makes it easier to choose the more relevant task to perform. Are you clear about what really matters to you? If not, then sit down and set your priorities, pronto.

5. Uninterrupted time

In his book Stress and Time Management, M R Pai explains the importance of having absolutely uninterrupted time for a couple of hours each day. All of us need such time at a stretch to work on certain projects, plan them out and essentially do some thinking. For example, as a writer I need at least two hours of free time to plan an article. After I have done that, I can do the article in bits and pieces as I find time during the day while attending to household chores and other errands.

In a talk on time management, Randy Pausch of Carnegie Mellon University advised his students to find ‘creative thinking time’ and ‘defend it ruthlessly’. Such quiet periods increase productivity.

Observe your schedule and mark out the time when you are least likely to be disturbed and most likely to be productive. Early morning or late nights are ideal. This is your special time. Use it.

6. Stretching tasks

Sometimes, we do not do enough with our time and live under the illusion that we have so much to do. We tend to stretch mundane chores over a span of time just to convince ourselves that we are too busy to do other things. Indeed, the more you have to do, the less time you will take for mundane errands. The Parkinson’s Law states that “work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion”. Thus, a person who is at leisure can take three hours to buy and send a gift to someone and think that they have really been busy that day. A busy man can do the same thing in a couple of minutes and have time to complete numerous other tasks.

See if you stretch things this way just because you have nothing else to do. Then examine if you really accomplished as much in the day as you led yourself to believe.

7. Failing to plan

It is said ‘plan your work and work your plan’. Not having a plan is the worst position to be in. It makesyou a rudderless boat that moves but without a course. Don’t be swayed by things and events around you. If you have a plan and definite goals to achieve you will know where to go. If required, you can always change it later.

Time is a resource that is equally distributed among all human beings. How we use it goes a long way in determining how successful and happy we become. So, take charge of your life and avoid these pitfalls to make better use of your time.

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Julian Rotter, a research psychologist, developed a questionnaire to measure LOC and contributed greatly to the understanding of this concept. The score that you get on completion of the questionnaire indicates whether you have how internal or external LOC is.

Good or bad

A simple example will demonstrate how LOC affects us. Think for a moment. If you believe that the results of an office project depend on your luck [thereby showing an external LOC] will you work as hard as you would if you believed that your results reflect your efforts [thus showing an internal LOC]? Hence, people with an internal LOC would generally expect their efforts to show results and consequently work harder too. Our LOC has a pervasive influence over our lives.

Would this mean that internal LOC is good? Generally speaking, it would be more desirable to believe that we have control over what happens to us in life. It is seen as a healthy way of functioning. Those with an internal LOC are more likely to take responsibility for their actions. They are also more likely to seek help and try and improve upon their skills and habits. Those with external LOC may be reluctant to seek help for problems as they think they anyways have no control over them. This can lead to more problems for them.

However, you must be cautious of overdoing it. A person has to be realistic too. You cannot get away with thinking that everything depends solely on your efforts. If you do, you tend to become anxious and neurotic.

LOC has a far-reaching impact on different areas of our life. For example, Findley & Cooper [1983] found that students with internal LOC had higher academic achievement. It makes good sense, because if a student believes that the marks she gets are a result of the effort she puts in, she is more likely to study harder and thereby get better results.

The HLC

Perhaps, the most extensive research on the impact of LOC on our lives has been in the field of health. The Health Locus of Control [HLC] a term formed by Wallston and group in 1970s describes the degree to which people believe their health to be controlled by internal or external factors. Those with an internal HLC believe that their health condition is a result of their efforts and actions. Those with an external HLC believe that the condition of their health depends on luck and destiny or on others like medical professionals.

How would our HLC influence our wellbeing? It’s quite simple really. Let us take the case of a heart patient. If she has an internal HLC, she will believe that she can influence her health. Thus, she will make changes in diet, lifestyle and exercise to improve her health in every way. On the other hand, if she has an external HLC, she will think nothing really makes a difference and so will be less likely to do her bit towards improving her health. Even in a simple area of weight loss, researchers Balch and Ross [1975] found that those with internal beliefs were more likely to complete an overweight treatment programme than those with an external LOC.

Early start

The LOC of a person develops as he grows. It is mostly learnt depending on the parents, family and the environment. When children’s efforts are met with rewards and a sense of responsibility for their actions is instilled into them, they develop an internal LOC. Researchers Schultz & Schultz found [2005] that the LOC depends largely on our parents. Children who have an internal LOC generally come from supportive families and children with less control come from a very low socio-economic background, [where basic necessities of life are not predictably available], show an external LOC. If a person faces persistent failure in life, she becomes more external in her LOC. Hence, it is important for us to provide opportunities for success for our children.

The crossover

We are all too familiar with the phrase, ‘It’s all in the mind’. Our LOC scores are changeable. By changing our attitudes and thinking patterns, we can shift from an external to an internal LOC. Acknowledge that one always has a choice in situations and not all things are beyond our control. Those who are serious about wanting to change often go in for ‘attribution training’ which involves teaching the person to say positive affirmations [such as ‘It’s tough, but hard work will pay off’] repeatedly till they get internalised and she starts believing in them. It trains you to beware of negative self-talk and habituate yourself to thinking and talking positively. It also helps develop good habits such as setting goals, working in an organised way to reach them and evaluating efforts. This increases your confidence in your abilities. After all, it’s all really in the mind!

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