Christine Hohlbaum, Author at Complete Wellbeing

Practising authenticity [without annoying]

Christine Hohlbaum — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 07:30:12 +0000

Being truly authentic is one of the hardest things for us to do. Our social status, professional and personal relationships and conditioning influence the way we move in the world. We grow accustomed to a certain way of thinking and live as if it were real.

Most of our thoughts, however, are illusionary. In fact, we very often lack evidence of the things we think, and yet we behave according to their codex.

An example might be a young girl who thinks she is fat. Despite the fact that everyone around her thinks she is thin, she responds to her image in the mirror by eating less and less. She has lost touch with her sense of self, if she ever had one at all. And her beliefs take over her life completely.

Our thoughts are mere constructs. They help us organise our interactions with the world and with ourselves. When our thoughts meander down a negative path, we place judgment on everything we experience. Judgement leads us away from our true selves. It clogs the passageway to our authentic being.

From one empty thing to another

Authenticity stems from a deep understanding of oneself. We must have a connection to that inner power we all possess. It requires a genuine listening and centeredness from which our intuition grows.

Creating an inner sanctum in which we can practise self-soothing is a life-sustaining exercise. Without a safe place to land within ourselves, we would be carried like flotsam down the river of life. We would constantly be in reaction to everything around us without the ability to withstand those stressors.

Steering away from our authentic beingness, many of us look outside ourselves for that elusive happiness we just know is ‘out there’. We feverishly pursue fleeting moments of joy, only to be left empty once again. Falsehoods replace authenticity, leading us down a path far away from ourselves.

Authenticity guarantees happiness as we really listen to what is true for us. From that central space, we can call up our joy any time we need it. Happiness, and its opposite misery, reside within. The only one who can decide how to feel is you.

Although we may know this to be true, we often turn to others to fill the void within ourselves, to make us feel better and to distract ourselves from our inner truth. It is true. We do need each other. As social animals, humans thrive when interconnected. Even loners need a hug every once in a while.

But if we are never able to soothe ourselves in moments of despair, we will be forever doomed to unhappiness. We have a lot more control than we realise when it comes to how we choose to live our lives and how we choose to react to the things that happen in it. Remaining authentic in the face of our own pain actually helps alleviate it.

Authenticity drives awareness about our own feelings. It also more easily allows us to accept what is real for us without trying to push it down or away from ourselves. Acceptance, in turn, brings us back to our true selves – without judgment or fear.

Being alive is the reason

When you are awash with remarkable waves of joy for the mere sake of being alive, it is your internal altar saying hello. It is your true space of authenticity waving its hand. It is your very essence greeting the day.

Being authentic is liberating when we attempt it with courage. Speaking our heartfelt truth gives other license to do the same.

There is a difference, however, between being authentic and being simply annoying.

Authenticity doesn’t mean you have free reign to project all your opinions onto everyone else. When you are being real, you are coming from a space deep within yourself where love, not complaint, is housed. It is a space void of judgment or fear. Instead, what you will find is the honesty with which we are all born.

Most people who claim they are authentic fall into the annoying category.

Why?

Because being authentic means you don’t have to claim that you are being so. You simply are being so.

We have all met people who celebrate their own truth-telling, but what they are really doing is being hurtful, tactless and murderously unaware of the impact their words have on others. Coming from a space of care and true connection with self has an entirely different
feel to it.

Let’s look at an example.

Consider your friend who asks you for your opinion about how she looks in that green dress that actually makes her look more like a reptile than Rapunzel. Do you tell her your opinion?

Annoying response:

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. You look God-awful in that thing. Take it off. Now!”

Authentic response:

“I bet you have another outfit that highlights your features better. Let’s take a look in your closet.”

You aren’t being mean while being honest. You are being kind, authentic and loving to your friend by redirecting her efforts to a more suitable dress.

Authentic communication is about being empowered while empowering others. It has a special quality to it and you know it when you experience it.

Children are authentic. It might be the reason why we sometimes feel uncomfortable when a child says something revealing about ourselves. They have not yet learned certain ‘socially acceptable’ behaviours that remove us from the discomfort of our own truth. They simply live in the ever-lasting present moment with what is. As we grow older, we move away from our centre to an externally sanctified set of rules. But oftentimes those rules do not resonate with who we truly are.

Authenticity sets you free to be who you are. And who you truly are, underneath all those opinions, is a beautiful soul that deserves to soar.

This was first published in the May 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Practising authenticity [without annoying] appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Always putting off till the eleventh hour?

Christine Hohlbaum — Wed, 30 Oct 2013 06:30:18 +0000

What would happen if a train, scheduled to leave in the nick of time for you to make it to your sister’s wedding, decided it just wasn’t going to leave that day. The sun was shining, its tracks had just been cleaned, but it was tired of hauling ungrateful people who filled its trash cans with fouling banana peels. It knew it should get going, get you there on time, and do its duty. But its own sense of feeling overwhelmed and its fear of not getting it right kept it from moving even an inch. You forgo your ticket money. You don’t get there on time. Welcome to procrastination station.

In the real world, procrastination costs us more than just money, time, and productivity. It costs us health and happiness, too. Guilt, regret, and a feeling of low self-worth often accompany the act of procrastination. Our very inaction is an act. It’s deciding not to decide, which can often lead us down a treacherous road. If you’re a breathing human being, you’ve been affected by procrastination to some degree: the late fee at the library for overdue books, the surcharge for overnight delivery because you pushed off sending that birthday gift for too long after you bought it, the sour look on your editor’s face when you’re past deadline—again. Despite our bad experiences, we continue to push the envelope, addressed to no one other than ourselves.

Students are particularly notorious for waiting until the last minute to accomplish their work. If you have ever pulled an all-nighter in college, you will know the feeling of getting things done at the eleventh-hour. The average person reaches a plateau of effort over a longer period of time than the procrastinating student.

Our very inaction is an act. It’s deciding not to decide, which can often lead us down a treacherous road

If it really is uncomfortable to procrastinate, why do so many of us put off things to the last minute? Is it the thrill of the adrenaline rush? Is it our desire to test our limits? Or are we simply too stymied by our daily demands to distinguish what’s most important? Could it possibly have something to do with our relationship with time?

The answer is: sort of. Being chronically late is a form of procrastination. Burning the midnight oil is another one. All types of procrastination lead to time-sucking activities.

While some level of procrastination may always be present in our lives, we can learn to work through our blockage and time-sucking activities in simple ways.

Principle #1
Mastering your own ship

Staring at the starlit sky is a humbling experience. You begin to realise how many more energy forms exist beyond Earth, not to mention outside our galaxy. It is easy to feel insignificant when you realise how immeasurably large the universe is. What does it matter if you pay that bill today or tomorrow? The truth is, inside your very own Universe, you are the star. You are the master of your own ship.

You can observe how little control people feel they have over themselves when they come up with excuses as to why, for instance, they simply cannot be on time for appointments. These little white lies become the person’s truth, overshadowing their own power and ability to change. Most people resist change because it involves actually thinking about the self-destructive behaviours that got them in the situation in the first place.

It’s the little voice inside that nudges you in the wrong direction. In German that voice is called der innere Schweinebund, literally the ‘inner pig-dog’. It symbolises the weaker self that gives in to the temptation of procrastination and inaction. We all have a pig-dog just crying to be fed. Some of us nurture our pig-dog more than others. It feeds off our doubt, our fear and, most importantly, our time.

Most people resist change because it involves actually thinking about the self-destructive behaviours that got them in the situation in the first place

Lauren Zander, chairman of the Handel Group, a leading corporate consulting and private coaching company, advises people to take charge of their lives by first tackling the withheld and hidden thoughts that are running the show. For instance, regarding our relationships, we often have tacit agreements with our partners. You won’t say anything about my inability to resist my daily doughnut, and I won’t say anything about your getting fall-down drunk at parties. Enabling others, instead of empowering them to rise up to their higher serves, leads to co-dependency and remaining stuck in a rut.

Principle #2
Create your pockets of win

Lack of motivation is a primary cause of procrastination. Sometimes we have to trick ourselves into moving forward. To keep on track, create pockets of win to coincide with particularly challenging moments in your life. This helps offset the temptation to fall back into your old ways again, by offering you a yin-and-yang perspective.

If you know you’re going to have a tough week, creating pockets of win can be especially helpful to level out the stress you may be experiencing in the moment. For instance, you have a huge project deadline at work, which stresses you out every quarter. Designate a time when you will do something you love, such as watching your favourite movie, to offset the negative feelings you may experience during the big push at the office. These rewards are not designed to aid your procrastination, but to actually motivate you to continue on even when you’d rather not. There’s nothing wrong with rewarding yourself when the going gets tough. The point is to keep going once you’ve gotten started and to not use your rewards to distract, but to congratulate yourself when you’ve reached your goal.

Celebrating milestones is something Kimberly Richey, a senior sales director for a cosmetics firm, understands well. Working from home, she sees procrastination as her biggest barrier to productivity because there is always something infinitely more interesting to do. She has developed a system of naming each hour so she can readily identify what she will do next. Family hour, spiritual hour, prospects hour, booking appointments hour, and so on are all mapped out for her to help her avoid falling into a black hole of inaction. When she’s reached a milestone, she rewards herself by engaging in a fun activity commensurate to the work she has completed. It might be as simple as an ice cream cone with the kids, or a massage after a particularly gruelling task. “It is my belief that everyone works better with a carrot dangling before them,” she says.

Find your carrot. Create your pockets of win and fill them with rewards. The next thing you’ll know, you’re moving forward without even realising it.

The point is to not use your rewards to distract, but to congratulate yourself when you’ve reached your goal

Principle #3
Five-minute commitment

Experts say making a promise to yourself to focus for five minutes on a somewhat undesirable task will help you break through your own hesitation. After five more minutes, make another promise to spend an additional five minutes. Oftentimes it’s merely finding a place to start that causes the most concern.

Business development expert Sian Lindemann used to be what she terms the “world’s worst procrastinator” until she realised it was costing her money to not finish what she started.

She took baby steps toward her commitment to end her procrastinating ways by telling herself to make the bed the minute she got up, place the cap back on the toothpaste tube, and rinse out the sink after every usage. “Done over the long term, these basic steps set me in motion. Now I experience an actual discomfort if I don’t finish what I’ve started.”