10 Reasons to Avoid Badmouthing Your Ex-Boss

1. It projects a bad image

Your current managers will automatically think that this is how you would talk about them as well. Basically, it’s just bad form, and you’ll never look cool doing it.

2. Bad for your emotional health

Letting go is so much better for your emotional wellbeing than being spiteful. It’s helpful to accept that whomever you were working for brought something good into your life.

3. What comes around goes around

Call it karma if you like, but most of us have seen how this works. So why tempt fate? Keep the negativity to yourself, and trust that things will balance themselves out.

4. You may need to deal with your ex-boss again

It will make things difficult for you if you have to deal again with your past employers or managers, and they know you’ve been badmouthing them. Besides, you never know where you’ll end up. How many people do you know who are once again working for companies or with people who once let them go?

5. Reflects a negative attitude

Everyone eventually tires of the same old song. Your co-workers or business associates may be too kind to tell you, so ask them if your behavior is over the top. Negative people aren’t fun to do business with either so maintain an appropriate attitude around clients and teammates.

6. Dwelling on the past is unhealthy emotionally

If you can’t stop the thoughts in your head or get past the feelings on your own, it’s usually a sign that you have some unfinished business.

7. Holding on to anger and pain is also unhealthy

Check yourself and make sure you’re not neglecting your body and hurting yourself. If you find that thoughts of your past co-workers or managers make you tighten your muscles, spend some time exercising or get a massage.

8. Feeling uncomfortable is a waste of time

If you’re like the rest of us, you have far too many other more positive things to put your time and energy into. Focus on your next goal or most recent accomplishments.

9. If you need to vent, do it with a professional

Maybe your current employer has an EAP [Employee Assistance Plan] that offers some free therapy. This might be a good way to use that benefit.

10. Not all was bad

The truth is that working for them wasn’t all bad. You chose to work there for a reason and that you probably learned a thing or two doing so.

Conclusion

Remember that every time you send out negative thoughts, you are also feeling them. So for the sake of your mental wellbeing, keep your memories as nice as possible. Besides, it can become awkward or reflect poorly on your character if you badmouth your ex-boss.

This article was first published in the August 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing Magazine. Update on 27 June 2023.

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People tend to react in similar ways when they are working for a company that manages by intimidation or are working or living with someone who puts them down on a regular basis. There is very little joy to be found in such a situation and it can easily shatter your self-confidence. This isn’t about having the occasional bad day or moment. It’s about living and/or working in an environment that puts you down. When someone is constantly telling you that you’re not good enough, eventually, if you stay around awhile, you will start believing it.

Under these circumstances, most people are unable to find the strength to battle the forces that are attacking them. This is because they have simply run out of energy. And when no one tries to lift them out of the pain, it lowers their self-worth to such an extent that they even lose their will to live.

The trick here is to step back far enough to get some perspective and, if such circumstances truly exist, and if counselling hasn’t worked or is refused, the best move may be to just leave. I know that’s drastic, but staying in a negative environment or relationship because you are afraid to leave is also known as “battered persons syndrome,” like in the case of abused women who continue to return.

They do it because the devil they know is better than the one they don’t [that’s how they mistakenly think]. They are returning to what is familiar.

Leaving may be the answer to find yourself and rebuild what has been taken from you, because confidence cannot exist in an aura of meanness. But leaving requires a type of inner strength that you find only in desperate moments—the strength that helps you believe in yourself and to know that you do not deserve to be treated badly, no matter what the other person says. You have finally had enough and you reach down to the depths of your soul and pull up whatever shreds of self-respect you can find. The feeling may only last for a few hours, but use that time to write your resignation because you will never be able to flourish where negativity and horrific behaviour is allowed to run rampant.

Once most people get out of a negative environment or relationship, one of the first things they do is castigate themselves by saying, “Why did it take me so long?” This thought is totally self-defeating. It took as long as it took; do not waste any more time feeling beat up. At this point, you may actually be used to it and not even see that you are doing that to yourself. As soon as you are aware you’ve changed the behaviour, all you have to do next is whatever is in front of you.

Leave the past and the old behaviours behind. Accept that you had the strength to change your life. It’s okay to feel good about yourself.

This was first published in the December 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing

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1. In the film, As Good As It Gets Jack Nicholson said to Helen Hunt, “I’m a better man when I’m with you,” and every woman in the audience sighed. It’s a line you can borrow and elaborate on.
2. Try starting a sentence with “I fell in love with you when…” and filling in the blank. Reminding each other of one of the sweetest times of your lives together will rekindle your romance.
3. Share with your love something special that s/he once told you. It could be an experience from his/her childhood or something s/he revealed in the beginning of your relationship.
4. Tell that you want him/her to be the father/mother of your children. [Don’t say this unless you’re in it for the long haul].
5. “You’re the one” may be the most romantic and declarative statement you can make to the person you love. Short and sweet, but it covers all the bases.
6. Don’t just say “I love you.” Add “because…” and give a reason. Your mate may know that you love him/her; saying why from time to time will let your sweetie know that you really mean it.
7. Tell your mate that if you could do it all over again, you’d still pick only him/her. As the pressures of life get to us, we may daydream about restarting our lives. Letting your other half know that you would want to be together, no matter what, will feel great to both of you.
8. The next time your love does something that tweaks you, let him/her know that although upon occasion you may dislike some of the things he/she does, your love is unconditional.
9. When you find yourself having a deeply moving experience with your lover, say to him/her, “No matter what happens in my life, I will always cherish you and remember this amazing time we’re having together.” It will create a great memory for both of you.
10. “I look forward to growing old with you” may be the most affirming statement you can make to your other half.

Honest and sincere communication often comes when we are feeling a bit vulnerable, and that is one of the most precious gifts you can give to your mate.

With luck, you will grow old together. Sharing your life with someone you truly love, and with whom you can really talk to, is a true blessing.

This was first published in the September 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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People care less

Many years ago, I went through a break-up in the middle of a professional convention. As I negotiated terms with my soon-to-be ex on the mezzanine level of a hotel, she asked, “Aren’t you embarrassed doing this in front of all these people?” I scanned the room and replied with a smile, “Everyone here is so self-absorbed, they’re never going to remember anything we do.” I returned to the same conference for several years, and no one ever mentioned it, to her or to me.

The truth is that people really don’t have enough room in their heads to keep track of the petty foibles you may have perpetrated in their presence. Most of our fears about what others think about us really come from our own insecurities. If you are a person who tends to judge or compare yourself with others while ‘trying to keep up with the Joneses’, you may just be reflecting your own thoughts. A lot of people believe that others think the same way they do, and most of the time, that just isn’t the case.

Each unto his own

We are all pretty wrapped up in our own lives, be the soap operas, comedies, or pseudo-reality shows. Our attention is more focused on ourselves than on others. At times, curiosity may find people thinking about other people; it’s like watching television or reading a good mystery. It helps them escape their own troubles for a while.

Yes, your clients and co-workers may be chatting or even gossiping about your hair transplant. There may even be wild speculation about the origin of the donour hairs. But how much time do you devote to staying tuned into the multitude of mini-dramas that surround you? Think about it. Unless you do something heinous or hurtful, the people you work with are not going to hang on to all your missteps nearly as long as you will. In addition, if someone is judging you because you didn’t have it together for a moment or two, then you have to ask yourself if that person is really worth working with. So stop worrying about what other people think of you. Go ahead and present that ‘off the wall proposal’, start your new business, or take a trip with your bonus money. It’s been my experience that if you’re a relatively decent human being with a sense of humour about yourself, people will remember the best things about you.

Dealing with mean-tors

On several occasions, my desire to see the good in people has blinded me to the arguably brutal negativity that some misdirected souls feel entitled to inflict on their co-workers. Perhaps the greatest betrayal is when someone we trust or look up to is mean to us.

Some people use meanness to get their way. We’ve all had bosses who thought that becoming Attila the Hun was an appropriate form of supervision. Management by intimidation never works.

At times meanness can appear to be an equaliser, giving someone the perception that they can protect themselves from an emotional terrorist. People who try to vanquish negativity in this manner are usually over matched. It’s hard to keep mean energy inside you if you are not really a mean person. And yes, most unfortunately, truly mean people do exist.

Even some overtly aggressive leaders act in ways they sense will make their staff cower. Most team members will submit to almost anything to get rid of the pain and anxiety. Mean people also enjoy the feeling of power their behaviour gives them. For them, being mean is an addiction, and they keep the meanness burning like a flame inside them. They are unaware of how this type of personality eventually destroys any relationship, business or personal.

It seems that there is more meanness today than before. I witness rudeness in entry-level interns who do their job with a smile, peers insult each other, and disgruntled employees trying fruitlessly to seek revenge through the courts. Everyone feels like they have to win, and many will stop at nothing. When this happens, everyone ends up losing. And the business ends up suffering.

Here are three things to do if you are dealing with a mean co-worker on a regular basis:

• Get support. Telling someone in HR or your supervisor what you are going through will help give you a place to put your pain and perhaps give you a perspective. Whether this is a onetime or an ongoing tragedy, the discussion with a professional in your office will help.
• Realise you have a choice. If you’ve been brought up around mean people, being around someone who understands can be an eye opener. Not everyone behaves badly. Choose to work with people who are kind.
• Get out of the way. Most people leave their jobs because they don’t get along with their bosses. It’s okay to leave or to end something if you are being abused. This goes for personal as well as professional relationships.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone respond positively to meanness. It’s a poor tactic. If you are mean, give it up. Like a song says, “Mean people suck.”

This was first published in the April 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”— Winston Churchill

Most people dislike the idea of failure. But if you think about it, the only way to avoid failing is by not trying. Wouldn’t you rather help your people pursue failure—to attempt new ideas, follow new clients, and try to create new products—than not do anything about it? If your people are not allowed to fail, they will not grow. If you cannot encourage your team to reach new heights by giving them a safety net [by not firing them if they fail], how will you take your company to the next level?

A necessary step

“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again… more intelligently.”— Henry Ford

Being able to look at your failures and learn from them is wisdom. To be able to see them clearly, as steps to your goals, gives you energy and inspiration. If you beat yourself up, and become listless with self-loathing, your goals become harder to reach. The energy you put into anger just holds you, and your people, back. If you have difficulty grasping this idea, here’s a way to see how it actually works.

The next time you or one of your team members fail at a task, don’t chastise her [or yourself]. Hold back your anger or disappointment and ‘act as if’ [pretend] that it was part of the process. See it as a step in the right direction. Talk with your team, and explain that you believe that this supposed ‘failure’ is taking you closer to your goal. Explain to your team [and to yourself] that without the lessons learned from this failure, you would not have the information and experience necessary to achieve success. Then see if you don’t reach the next level quicker and easier than if you would have spent time and energy wallowing in blame, anger and disappointment. This isn’t some mind game; it’s a necessary step in growing your business that has been used by some of the most successful leaders and companies in the world.

Beyond failure

Perhaps the most important job of a mentor is to help his people learn from their mistakes. This is the learning that comes from experience, and it’s the most valuable learning we get. By encouraging your team and yourself to think in this manner, you are creating a company culture that inspires your team to grow your business. Most successful people will honestly tell you that they reached their goals by making lots of mistakes. The mentor’s job is to encourage his people to reach beyond their failures, mistakes and fears, and use the lessons learned to achieve success. Encourage your team to pursue failure, and they will respond by pushing the envelope all the way to the top.

From 0 to 50… million

This philosophy has helped a number of companies reach the top of their markets. Take for example, Mid-America Direct, the largest Corvette after-market parts company in the world. CEO Mike Yager continues to encourage his team to try new ideas, and he doesn’t punish them if the ideas don’t work right away. He believes that with support, his team members will reach deep within themselves and create new income streams for the company. He continues to remind them that they are part of a team and that they are supported, by him and by each other. Even if their ideas don’t work, he is pleased that they are attempting to push the envelope. To further inspire his people, he also gives them personal rewards for their continued efforts.

Yager started his company with a vision, ideas like this, and not much else. After reaching the top of his industry, two years ago he decided to take on two new catalogues and is watching them grow with the same velocity. He believes that not learning from a challenge is the only thing that can turn a challenge into a failure. He also believes in continuing education for his team and brings in the best speakers and trainers in the country to help his people reach the next level.

This was first published in the June 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Another reason to put a plus sign in your mind’s minus column is that negative thoughts take energy away from you while positive ones give you more. Just do the math and you can see it’s worth the effort. Negative thinking isn’t just a bad habit; it can do real harm to you and your business, especially if you or your clients and associates start to believe it.

Be alert

One of the ways to break this habit is to become aware of the negative thoughts while they are happening. This kind of mindfulness can turn the experience into a positive one. Being conscious of what’s going on inside your head and around your life really helps reduce your tension.

Be patient

Sometimes, stress leads to negative thinking. If you know you’re stressed out, try taking a patience pill. Do that by telling yourself that you need to go with the flow until the uncomfortable or negative thoughts or moments pass.

Know how you are feeling

Many times we think in the negative when we’re not feeling that good about ourselves. Perhaps your boss or teammate got on your case or didn’t come through with a promise, which can leave you feeling low. In real life, this is sometimes hard to avoid.

But being aware of how you are really feeling in the moment gives you the ability to change the energy and protect yourself by purposely thinking positive thoughts. This is not the same thing as being a Pollyanna [someone who is a compulsive optimist]. Using your brain to help you resolve a difficult moment is a tried-and-true technique that will assist you in shifting your mood and regaining your focus.

Find what’s good

Appreciating where you are and what you have also helps. You need to commit to yourself that you’re not going to let the painful emotions or situations run your life or suck you in. Use the power of positive thinking to keep a bad moment from becoming a lifestyle and damaging your career.

Make use of little tricks

Make a mental list of what is working in your life [at your job and your home]. This helps set the tone for moving through a difficult time. Then look at how you’ve dealt with other challenges for additional internal support.

Saying to yourself, “I think I can.” “I know I can,” works even better. When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” stop the negative thought and actually say, “I’m cancelling that out.” Then put a positive statement like, “I’ve succeeded before and I can do it again,” in its place.

Now, whenever you feel down, turn off that downer station in your head and tune into the good things you do and have and your world will be much better.

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When life is kicking sand in one’s face, it’s natural to turn to the person that one loves the most. If that person can really be there with emotional support and kind words of encouragement, it makes a big difference to how one feels. It’s almost too simple.

If you have difficulty giving that support or accepting it, you need to look at your state of mind and make a few adjustments.

Perhaps you are projecting your feelings of distrust of the world or your angst about those unjust criticisms from your boss, but that isn’t going to help you. What will help is giving and receiving positive input from those closest to you.

We all push others away from time to time; it’s human. But it’s also destructive and will erode any energy you may have left after a tough day. Do an honest evaluation of your ability [or inability] to take in the positive.

Examine how you expel your negative emotions. Even if you only slightly use emotions as a weapon, it’s a great way to start a war, so check yourself out.

The calm that exudes through your mind and body when someone is there to make it all better, will ease your pain. And when you feel better, you can think more clearly about how to best deal with the situation.

Once you have a good game plan, not only will your discomfort be ameliorated; your ability to deal with whatever is stressing you out will increase.

The world isn’t fair, and there are always going to be times when we all need a cheerleader [pom-poms are optional].

Being there for a loved one is a gift that you are giving to the person who isn’t feeling at the top of his or her game, and it is returned in a number of ways. The most obvious is that the mood in the air will be lighter, and this affects both of you.

Saying something like, “I know you’re worried, but we’ll get through this together” or “You’ve always landed on your feet, why should this time be any different?” will give your sweetheart a much-needed boost.

Just being while your loved one sulks is also fine. Remember that we all need to process our grief, no matter where it comes from.

Things in your life have mostly worked out. Reminding each other of this and looking at what you’ve been through while taking stock of where you are now, helps.

Giving an emotional boost to the one you love and being able to do the same for the person is perhaps what this life is all about. And it sure feels great.

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Like a balloon with too much air, it will eventually explode. Like work, relationships too should never be your entire life. It’s only part of the whole. Work, growth and creativity are also important. But no one thing should take over to the exclusion of the others.

We all know people who have nothing in their lives but their work. This may bring them financial success, but they may have few friends, little creativity and few deep relationships.

If couples focus entirely on each other, they don’t allow themselves the freedom to grow and create.

When the relationship goes from being the primary focus to being the only focus, other things that life has to offer are lost. Although I believe a person can grow more within a relationship than without one, I also believe it is necessary to find a balance between self and other.

Many of my clients have parents who were in traditional relationships.The fathers went to work and the mothers stayed home. Today, however, women require more freedom. Men are now becoming more willing to work alongside their female partners, helping out in the home and with childcare. For both parties, this is a much more balanced and creative way of life.

If you know someone who is consumed with a relationship, recommend backing off for a while to them and look for other things in life that are fulfilling. Backing off serves two purposes: It makes them more attractive to each other; and opens up new areas of creativity.

But if they continue to overwhelm the partner [or the person they are closest to] with continued pressure about the relationship, they will either lose the joy in it or, worse, lose the relationship altogether.

Take the example of Homer and Marge. For two years, they’ve been talking about getting married, but Marge doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea, even though Homer is supporting her and her son from a previous marriage.

Instead of backing off, Homer keeps putting the pressure, trying to find ways to get Marge to accept the kind of relationship hee envisions.

He even tries to talk Marge into moving to the country so she can focus all her attention on him. He tells her that his plan is for her to assist him in his business. Convinced that all this is the right thing for both of them, Homer keeps giving Marge the hard sell and then feels disappointed when she continues to resist.

In truth, Homer is trying to control Marge and the course of their relationship. His relentless pressure for a commitment and his ‘let’s do it now’ focus is actually pushing her away to the point where she may never find the emotional space to accept his idea of a dream life.

What he needs to do now is back off and let things happen in their own time. This backing-off process can be very difficult, and in Homer’s case the support of a good therapist might help him understand his own behaviour.

It might also give him an insight into what might be missing within him that causes him to focus on his relationship more than on himself.

As long as he keeps financially supporting Marge, she has no reason to change anything. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? [Why bother to get married?] Besides, Homer’s constant neediness has definitely lost its charm.

As a therapist, I like the idea that we are all born with a mission, and it is our job in life to find out what it is.

Being consumed with a relationship gets in the way of doing this important work. Time alone, as well as some of the other exercises I mentioned, can start us on the process of surrendering to the will of the universe —so we can see what our true life purpose is all about.

This was first published in the May 2011 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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It means that you have to understand and talk about the natural course of feelings that ebb and flow throughout emotional connections.

Some people have trouble knowing if what they are feeling is love. This is much different from the heady “in love” feeling, which I think is temporary insanity. Love is more a sense of knowing that you are with someone, who’s got your back covered and won’t turn his or her back on you.

When you are with someone who embodies the qualities and values that you admire, and you think you love this person but can’t bring yourself to say the words or allow yourself to feel it, there could be deeper issues going on.

The fear of rejection, the memories of a previous abusive relationship, or even a need for independence can make you want to keep a fire escape in your heart.

The problem is that by having an exit plan, you never really get to experience the fulfilment of taking the risk of letting someone in. But once you do, your life changes forever. That person is now imprinted on your psyche.

You might also start to feel that this picture in your mind won’t go away until you fill the void with something better. We’ve all had love and lost it or suffered a broken heart. And that’s why some of us recoil at the thought of entering into a loving relationship.

You’ve been told that it isn’t wise to put all your eggs in one basket. But if you try to play Easter Bunny and hide a few for later, you’re not going to get the true benefits of what love really is. So let yourself love and be loved.

The trick is to be very careful with the basket. Don’t hedge your feelings when it comes to love, because you won’t get what you want out of it.

Some people hold back because they don’t think they can return the love or that they won’t know how to help love thrive.

There is no one way to do that. You have to keep trying different things, get into deep conversations [and learn to like them], and commit to yourself and your partner that you will love him or her unconditionally.

I also suggest recommitting on a daily basis in your own head and heart and sharing those feelings with your partner. Couples that do this have stronger connections.

Holding back is a means of self-protection, and sometimes that’s understandable. I know it’s scary to love like you’re not going to get hurt, but it’s the only way to get the goodies from the most wonderful of emotions.

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Be humble and don’t rub your partner’s nose in a misstep. Be gentle when you share your feelings, especially if your partner is the offending party. This will make it much easier for him or her to realise the mistake and learn from it. Else, it will force the other to get defensive.

When you’re having a difficult discussion, put your angry emotions aside. You can’t be logical when you’re mad. If you can’t contain your ire, it may be best to put talking on hold till you calm down.

Don’t be stuck with finding who’s right or wrong. Blaming your partner or proving him wrong won’t solve matters. You both have to take responsibility for getting your relationship back on a positive track.

Look for the high road and discuss what’s best for both of you. Don’t settle for anything less than equality and the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your partner.

You can agree to disagree, but don’t settle for less than a complete acceptance of each other’s point of view. If you walk away disappointed, you have not resolved your issue. For a relationship to work, you both have to feel that you have each other’s support.

Have difficult conversations in private, always. You don’t want your kids or other family members to pick up the negativity; it can make them feel insecure. Remember, you can be heard behind closed doors, so keep the volume low and the vibe as calm as possible.

Before making a decision about how to handle a problem, make sure you consider all options. This requires some brainstorming and working together to create a positive solution. If done correctly, this process alone can heal the difficulty.

Don’t rush to judgment. You may not be able to come up with the best answers in the moment, so sleep on it before you decide on a course of action. If you still cannot reach a meeting of the minds, put the issue aside and look at it again in a few days.

Trust that you can find an answer that will work for both of you. Going into the discussion with an optimistic heart and mind will make it much easier for you both.

Consolidate the gains of your discussion. Review aloud what was agreed upon between the two of you; put it in writing if it helps. Then, kiss and make up.

Most people avoid difficult conversations because they fear having an uncomfortable moment. But I feel that putting up with a few bad minutes is definitely better than enduring an uncomfortable life. Truth is that couples that embrace the desire to work things out have the best relationships. Period.

This was first published in the November 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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