In our mad, mad world we are always rushing—be it home, work, school, umpteen errands, malls, calls, meetings or the one hundred and fifty channels that keep us glued. We hardly ever sit back to assimilate, ruminate or process our life experiences. Sometimes, however, if you are lucky and listening closely, life will surprise you, just as these people found out…

Growing up as a child in the ‘80s, Sundays were made to idle just as God intended it to be. Television had not hypnotised us as a nation and people were open to discovering new things, first hand. What started as an attempt to break away from the languor that had set into Avani’s family gradually became a Sunday ritual, i.e., a trek to the Kanheri Caves during the rainy season. Not only did it make her Sundays fun-filled, but the memories of bonding with various members of the extended family, right from little kids to elders, is something she cherishes even today. In a bid to recreate the fun for her kids, she has been taking them on Sunday treks in the rain!

If you’ve been lucky enough to travel in Maharashtra during the rains, you’ve probably been astounded by Nature’s lush green avatar. Jayashree has been enjoying her monsoon safari with her family for the past seven years. What entices them to it year after year? It is the fact that they have no agenda and no pressure to visit the prominent attractions as every safari is a voyage of discovery. All they need is a four-wheel drive, a picnic hamper, music and a sense of adventure and frolic.

For Sindhu and her family, the lure of authentic coastal food has been the navigator for their bi-annual road trips to Goa. Over the years, they have discovered quaint little chai shops and fresh local eateries, which make them go back every six months. Who amongst us can resist the combination of sea, sand, food, beer and chai!

Manoj Nayak was shy, diffident, and not-growing-younger when he found his manna in Salsa! What started out as an avenue to meet people soon became a ritual he couldn’t do without. Learning the moves of this sensuous and intimate dance form was such a heady experience that he kept going back for more. As anyone who has ever enjoyed running, swimming, dancing, meditating, or any sport, will tell you—it is addictive. It takes you to a level where you discover strengths you didn’t know you possess. It not only helped Manoj make inroads into the world of Salsa dancing but also helped him attain flexibility and overcome his inhibitions to become a more confident, mature being. He now manages a website that tells you everything you want to know about Salsa but didn’t know whom to ask!

So, as you can see, free your mind—the rest will follow. [Lyrics from En Vogue]

For Shraboni, it’s a simple weekend breakfast or brunch with her husband and daughter that has become a sacred routine over the years. It’s also the time to recap, talk, discuss and bond as a family. Arti and Suvidha, on the other hand, prefer to stay indoors with their kids as they cook up a storm in the kitchen! The plethora of food shows on television has exposed them to so many cuisines that they are veritable MasterChefs-in-the-making!

Before you start believing that good things will happen only if you are willing to spend money, think again. Very often, the best things in life are absolutely free!

Books are my first love; but sadly, I discovered that only when the second and the third broke my heart. They crept back into my life and resuscitated me! Fortunately for me, I have accumulated enough friends who feel the same way. The joy of losing yourself in a parallel world, created with the magic of words and imagination, is nonpareil. If reading is a ritual, then books would have to be a religion. I’m sure all parents reading this can relate to the words of  Louise Brown [academic at Birmingham University in England and the author of several books on Asia]: ‘Those children’s bedtime rituals of supper, bath, stories, and sleep have been a staple of my life and some of the best, most special times I can remember.’

While some may find the elixir of life in books, others have discovered their weekend ritual in movies or board games with family and friends at home. Throw in some popcorn and a couple of beers [or chai if it’s the end of the month!] and you have the formula for a cosy funfest!

Interestingly [and this is worth mentioning], Neerja has turned Friday nights into an open house, where the family gathers to discuss the highlights of the week at the dinner table. Channels of communication are open, no one is being judged, secrets are revealed, issues are resolved, blunders laughed at and everyone goes to bed dreaming sweet dreams. If we could all practise this communication ritual with our kids, parents, friends and colleagues, we’d be much more relaxed.

In the constant churning of life, our day to day activities make us clock-work mechanisms. It is only when we take time off to smell the roses that we truly begin to live. A new activity, a spontaneous excursion, a random rendezvous or a forgotten hobby, are all we need to rejuvenate our lives and fill it with that spark that differentiates between existing and living. For, it is when we stop seeking reasons, and learn to let go, that doors of wonder open to us. To sum it up in the words of the poet William Blake:

“To see a World in a grain of sand,

And a heaven in a wild flower,

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.’’

This was first published in the September 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Live life more! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Published by: Vintage Books, Random House India

ISBN: 978-8-184-00402-1

Pages: 220

Price: INR 199

On one hand this book deals with the body of cancer stricken Eve Ensler and her personal struggle with this most dreaded and gruesome disease, while on the other it deals with the metaphorical body of this world, which is being eaten away by the malignant tumor of the cumulative greed of mankind.

As a growing child, Eve suffered sexual torture at the hands of none other than her own father while her Mother stood by, a silent spectator. This understandably left an indelible scar on her mentally, physically and emotionally. She grew into a wild, wanton young woman seeking emotional succour through sexual gratification in the arms of innumerable lovers. In a bid to reconnect with her own mind and body, she embarked on a journey that took her to various countries where she met numerous women. Each woman had a story to tell of battered and bruised bodies and broken hearts. But the most spine chilling and gut wrenching stories she heard came from the women of the Congo—where the “systematic rape and torture of women was being employed as a military/corporate tactic to secure minerals.” The monstrous vision of global disassociation and greed that emerged was the catalyst that set her on her mission to help these women to safety while providing them an environment where they could heal and garner their collective strengths to realise their dreams. The City of Joy in the Congo bears testimony to the incessant efforts of the V-day family, friends and well wishers.

Although this is a book that deals with dark and disturbing things, it is also a book that believes in the innate goodness of mankind. It is a terrific attempt on the writer’s part to ‘find the poetry’ in an otherwise fatal condition. At one point in the book, Eve tells her friend “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone could be purged, somehow, of the projected not-them badness that they internalised and perhaps have acted out because their souls have been so damaged?”

Reading this book is like going on a journey where you are racked by varied emotions—awe, shame [at your own indifference], incredulity, sadness, horror… but the great thing is that it leaves you inspired—it gives us hope that we can be cleansed of our badness if only we would realise the irrevocable havoc we have wreaked and accept that the time has come for a great change.

The post In the body of the world by Eve Ensler appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I’ve had my share of blunders and triumphs when it comes to forging bonds with people. Drawing from my experience, I’ve created a list of friends one absolutely must-have [with an in-built warning of whom to avoid]. Read on and see if you can think of at least one close pal who will fit into each of the five types.

1. Chaddi buddy – This one is probably top of the list for most people because the bond you forge with the people you’ve grown up with is irreplaceable. Time, money, fame or any other natural calamity cannot take those memories away from you. My husband grew up on a campus with some incorrigible characters… but every time he talks of all the tricks they played together on innocent people, the passions they shared, the collective crushes they had on a certain PYT and their many misdemeanours, I cannot help but feel envy. He does not speak to these friends regularly or even meet with them often but just talking about them transports him to an innocent, carefree childhood. So, if you’ve got someone you’ve shared your growing up years, don’t ever let go.
2. Tactless wonder – If you have a friend who is sometimes naïve, speaks her mind bluntly even at the risk of hurting you, and is not afraid to call a spade a spade, you’ve chanced upon a treasure! Every single day of our lives, we come across people who are sweet on the surface but can’t wait to ridicule or run you down the moment your back is turned. The ‘tactless wonders’ may not be good for your ego but you can be assured that they’ll be there when you really need help. Not only will they give you constructive criticism but also help you work on your weak points. So you’ll have a personal image consultant for life… for free!
3. Superior being – Have you ever known anyone who’s so surprisingly perfect in something to the extent that they make you cringe? After you’ve absorbed the initial shock, you want to cry, complain, rave and rant about why you are not that way? These people sometimes appear to us in a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde avatar since the truly Superior beings are not visible to the naked eye or simply don’t exist [for purposes of convenience]. While there will be one aspect of this person’s character that you may baulk at, another facet of their personality will just make you sit up and take notice. I have a friend who is just that. She has a tough time managing her time between her home, family and social obligations but when it comes to her kids [she has three of them], she’s a dream-come-true mom. While my outings are generally geared towards me letting my hair down and having a good time, ALL of her outings are designed to make sure that the kids have a blast too. Even in her day-to-day exchanges with her kids, she is so calm, patient and loving that you wonder why she can’t apply the same to her housekeeping! I know I’m always going to keep her on my radar—not because she makes me feel I’m a bad mom but because she shows me how I can be a better mom.
4. Like minds think alike – I’m sure you definitely have one of these. In whatever we do, we seek company. Be it happiness or sorrow, it’s always easier with a friend who shares the same enthusiasm. Be it for shopping, eating out, watching movies or plays, listening to music, reading books and sharing reviews, playing a sport, working out, dancing, playing games, discussing strategies or any other interest—this is a stress busting friend and one that you could definitely do with in this fast paced, mad, mad world. I have to say here, though, that my husband and me are opposites, in the sense that we have radically different tastes. Having said that, my life is richer for having been exposed to that which I didn’t care for earlier. If it was not for him, I would have never enjoyed the pulsating rhythm of rock music or the adrenaline inducing thrill of a horror or sci-fi movie. But then, we live and learn!
5. Go to friend – Be it home or work, we all have situations where we feel we need to unload our thoughts/ emotions to someone. A go to friend is just that. They are not experts [unless you’re lucky to have a psychologist for a friend] or problem solvers; they just listen. Sometimes that just makes it better. And you know they’ll have they’re doors open for you at any time of the day… or night. 

So, this is my list of must-have friends. How many of these do you have? If you score 5 on 5, consider yourself truly blessed because as they say ‘God gave us our relatives, thank God we can choose our friends.’ Choose wisely!

This was first published in the January 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Must-have friends appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It is instances like these, which warm the heart. While adults indulge pets as they would a child, children see pets as their peers. It’s heartening to see how children connect with pets in a short span. Not only do they establish a bond with the pets but the vulnerability and helplessness of the pet brings out the child’s protective instinct. As this instinct deepens, it makes the child more aware of those around him, who need to be protected similarly. Caring for pets could even bring about a shift in their attitude towards an ailing grandparent or a younger sibling.

What it is about an animal that tugs at a child’s heart? What can they teach us? How can they enrich our lives? According to clinical psychologist Rohini Fernandes, who is also a certified practitioner of Animal-Assisted Therapy and founder of The Animal Angels, “The unconditional, non-judgemental and absolute love that they give to their caretakers can work wonders.”

She lays down some basic rules for pet owners-in-the-making:

1. Right age/time

Some of my friends who tried to appease their children with fish, turtles and the like realised that the charm wore off too soon. Children do not pay any attention apart from showing them off when they have company or when they need to be fed. It is interesting to note that even really small children want to “feed”—it is ingrained in the human psyche that to feed is to love and care. Rohini believes that pets should be brought into a family when the kids are old enough [eight years or more] to understand its needs and shoulder some responsibilities.

Snigdha Gupta wanted a pet since she was eight but had to settle for fish swimming around in a bowl since her father is allergic to certain animals. Not one to be satisfied with a pet she couldn’t touch or play with, she prepared an Excel sheet listing down different animals they could have as pets along with their eating habits, maintenance routines and potential allergic reactions. Her parents were impressed with her commitment and she graduated to being a caretaker of a pair of guinea pigs. I’m sure she had a dog on her mind but she is playing her cards well, for now!

2. One family

According to Rohini, the whole family needs to prep up to welcome a pet into their lives. If age-appropriate tasks are assigned to adults and children alike, it instills a sense of ownership and belonging towards the pet. A pet places so much faith in your ability to love and care for him that it makes one feel more confident of their abilities. It is this sense of confidence, which can really boost a child’s self-esteem. Simple tasks like feeding the pet, brushing his teeth or coat, taking the pet for a walk, changing the water [in case of fish], helping to train and discipline the pet can go a long way in making your little one a more responsible adult.

I was pleasantly surprised when Kuhu Jain [crazy about cats and stray dogs] revealed that even her children could read the expressions and recognise the sounds of their pet accurately. Like human beings, animals also seek a routine and find comfort in repeating tasks every day. So, if Ayaan [her son] were to keep their dog waiting while he watched the last 10 minutes of his favourite show on TV; he would invariably hear an audible whining, which was a signal that he really wanted to get out and pee! Children become sensitive to these signals and can pre-empt them. This helps to sensitise a child towards the needs of others.

3. Space

How would you feel caged up in a box all day, 24×7? Claustrophobic, right? Animals feel the same way. They like to walk, run and lie around doing nothing sometimes. When you choose a pet, please keep in mind that size does matter. Don’t bring a big pet into a small space because you want to show off that you can afford the most expensive breed. Bring a pet to enrich your life, not to massage your ego.

4. Touch

All human beings crave the comfort and warmth of a touch but in varying degrees. A child who shirks from physical contact may just melt with a pet in his arms. This constant physical companionship teaches a child to be more demonstrative of his affection towards those around him and helps to make him a secure, self-assured individual.

As children grow up, they deal with rapid changes—in their physical growth, appearance, academics, sports, extracurricular activities and behaviour. Every child deals with the associated pressures differently. While one may blossom, another may wilt. Having a pet who loves them despite their low grades, average physical appearance or mediocre skills can undo a lot of damage. A pet who greets them with enthusiasm and a generous lick every time they return home can teach them about being non-judgemental.

So go ahead and take the plunge, if you’ve been mulling over adopting a pet. As for me, I’ll be sitting on the fence till my boys fly the nest, leaving it empty for me to fill up again.

This is was first published in the August 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Pals in parenting appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

My elder son, who is 10 years old, has been behaving like a teenager for the last couple of years. Too early, you say? If you could see the anger he feels and expresses [verbally and with much vehemence] at this age, you’d probably agree. I was totally stunned when I witnessed his rage for the first time—it was like listening to myself when I am angry. Immediately, I went digging into the recesses of my mind to find out when the spark had set off.

He was about two years of age… just out of his diapers and into a play school. School can be daunting for kids as it’s their first step into a world filled with strangers, away from the warmth and comfort of their homes. That’s when he started wetting the bed. Initially, we brushed it off as an accident and dealt with the mess likewise. Then, it started happening too often. Every morning, we had to wash his clothes, change the sheet, clean the soiled sheets and scrub him till he smelt clean and fresh. At first, we made him use the bathroom every night before bedtime. No change. Then we told him to sleep with us so he could wake us up in the middle of the night if he needed to use the toilet. No change.

The only difference was that, now, apart from him, my husband and I would be soaking wet and smelly in the morning too. It was frustrating. I distinctly remember giving him a bath in the morning after one of his episodes, all the time slapping, smacking and yelling angrily at him. He just bawled loudly; he was only two.

Another incident that is etched in my mind is when he was a little over three years old. My sister-in-law had moved into our home for a while as they were looking for a house in Mumbai. She had a daughter who was as old as my son. They got along well but had their spats too. Both mothers had to intervene in their fights and since she was a girl, my son was told to treat her gently and share lovingly. Having a girl and a boy in the house at the same time tends to tilt the balance in favour of the girl. My son started reacting to this sudden shift of attention by stammering. We pointed it out to him and told him to stop doing that consciously, little realising that he had no control over it. It was also the time I was expecting my second baby so I was already dealing with physical exertion. One evening, the kids started fighting over toys and my son was accused of not sharing. I blew my top and whacked him savagely, even kicking him till he lay on the floor crying his eyes out.

In both these instances, I exhibited and expressed anger in a manner that was brutish…to the point of being potentially damaging. The ghosts of those incidents still haunt me from time to time.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I want to clarify that mothers are not beyond reproach and all women are not made in the same mould as Mother India. We use sarcasm, blackmail, anger, harsh words and even inflict physical pain to achieve something or vent our feelings. We are short-sighted in that we cannot predict the repercussions our words and actions will have on our children in the future.

But before you start to think that we are monsters all the way [and my son did write in his class assignment that his mother is a witch!], let me share one of our most redeeming qualities—remorse. We drive ourselves crazy agonising over our actions and their effects. I have wished so often that I could go back in time and erase some of the things I’ve done. But what’s done is done. Whacking my son hurt me such much that I vowed to never whack him again. I’m proud to say that I kept my promise.

The guilty realisations have also helped me change the way I express my feelings. Now, in addition to not raising my hand on him, I also try to be more expressive in my actions by hugging my children, kissing them and spending time playing and reading with them so they know that my outbursts are not directed at them for who they are but for what they did/didn’t do. Someday…they might be able to forgive me…hopefully so will I.

The post I was not a perfect mom, but I learned from my flaws appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It highlighted many issues that caused concern to my parents when I got married. You see, I am a hot-headed, tight-fisted Sindhi married to a simple, sober Tamil Brahmin boy. There were many apprehensions, some spoken and some unspoken, regarding the success of such a marriage considering my introvert and rebellious nature.

As far as I was concerned, I didn’t know what I was really getting into [come to think of it, nobody does]. All I knew was that I had met this terribly handsome boy who pursued me diligently till I said, “Yes” and we were getting married! The rest…would have to wait.

Married life, at first, was an extended honeymoon as we set up home in Chennai on our own. Of course, the occasional visits to relatives who lived in the same city could not be ruled out.

I treated them with respect and wariness, while they indulged me as one would indulge a foreign tourist on her first holiday to India. After spending a year in Chennai, we moved to Delhi to stay with my in-laws. That’s when the wheels started churning.

My father-in-law was a professor at the prestigious IIT, Delhi, while my mother-in-law was a housewife. My in-laws were aware that I wasn’t looking forward to living in a joint family set-up, especially since I had lived in a home set up by me and my husband, which I had been sad to leave.

So they doubled their efforts to make me feel at home. From making place for my little knickknacks, getting some of my favourite recipes from my mother and cooking them for me to discreetly leaving my husband and me alone whenever possible, my mother-in-law left no stone unturned.

My father-in-law too surprised me by bringing home a pot of delicious mutton biryani when I was craving it one day.

A Brahmin family that had never even bought meat, willing to bend rules to gladden the heart [and stomach] of a 20-something daughter-in-law… how often do you get that? Never, if you go by the numerous soaps on TV.

After the break-in period, I discovered many more facets to their personality… their selflessness and willingness to please their children [and I was counted in them]; their readiness to give wholeheartedly and gracefully without any expectations or pressure to reciprocate; their simplicity and liberal, broad minded approach to life and people in general.

Soon, my husband was transferred to Mumbai. We returned to Delhi to deliver our first baby, a year later. My mother had to leave Delhi in a hurry for a family emergency just before my due date.

So, on that morning in July, when my water bag burst, I dawdled into the hospital with my husband and in-laws in tow. I can never forget the cheerfulness with which my mother-in-law chipped in when my baby was born.

She would run the house all day and sleep next to me at night. All night, we would take turns changing the baby, burping him and rocking him to sleep. While I slept it off the next day, she used to go about things as usual without once complaining of lack of sleep.

But it was not roses all the way [it never is, right?]. After the stipulated 40 days, I returned to Mumbai with mother-in-law in tow.

I was still coping with the loss of a ‘paying’ job [out of my own volition] to slave after my little bundle of joy. I looked like Godzilla, felt like a cow and zombie [alternately], and had only an uneducated maid and new-born baby to converse with all day.

The smallest of advice on baby care was enough to set me off. I’d read all the right books— how could they know better than me! From daughter-in-law, I transformed into monster-in-law with sharp fangs and hissing breath, waiting to snap off the head of whoever suggested that I was not giving it my best.

With the arrival of my second baby, however, things changed again. I was more mature, experienced and open to suggestions. I was in control of myself and my feelings. I could just ‘let them be’ from time to time with their grandkids without worrying about what they could be eating/watching/doing.

In time, we all moved on with our lives. They moved to Chennai post-retirement and we met every 2 – 3 months. Last year, my father-in-law suffered a paralytic stroke and lost his speech as well as the movement in his right side. And they had to move in with us.

Having lived as a nuclear family for eight years, apprehensions abounded as we knew a lot would change, for all of us.

It’s been a year now that we are a ‘joint’ family—it was a year of ups and downs for all. I’ve made my peace with idli, dosa and sambar, while they’ve learnt to live with the smells of garlic and non-vegetarian food.

As I watch appa patiently cover my children’s books with the hands that must’ve chalked out destinies of countless engineering under-graduates, I feel sad. As for amma, she is his nurse-companion-silent partner all rolled into one.

This is the ‘third state’—a state in which I am living in constantly. This state has nothing to do with culture, caste, language, food habits, ideologies or mental make-up.

It only dictates that if you have received selfless love, then you must re-invest and reciprocate it to keep it flourishing—it’s an ideal state for all mankind I’d say.

The post Living in a joint family appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.