Desire, like sex, is something people make themselves uncomfortable over. Many people are scared of their feelings—of what’s going on just under the surface. We tremble a bit—such is the power of our desire.

Epstein describes Buddhism’s ‘right hand path’ as the path of the ascetic — on this path, the solution to life’s drama is renunciation. This is the idea that desire leads to trouble, and the only way to avoid trouble is to repress it, fight it, ignore it, or meditate it to death.

Buddhism’s ‘left-hand path’ is Tantra — on this path, the things our bodies experience become the tools of awakening. Desire becomes the energy for action leading to transformation.

If you think about it, that’s how we actually use the word.

Desire is the feeling that lies in the gap between what we have and what we want. Desire is the emotional or vibrational pull toward change. Desire is the burning drive to bring something new into being.

Desire is dynamic

The problems come when we forget that desire is dynamic. It’s a driving force.

As we desire, we are driven to make, to create, to merge, to enact. In other words, desire at its best causes us to move forward; it empowers new realities.

Things go off the rails when we attempt to possess [cling to] what we desire. To lock it down, own it, marry it, make it “ours”.

The paradox is that desire want us to get turned on enough that we actually do something with our lives, but the feeling of desire is chargy, and therefore addicting. So, rather than acting and moving on, many attempt to maintain the feeling of desire by possessing the “object of desire”. It’s confusing the feeling with the external object.

Clinging is all about trying to freeze something dynamic — trying to make it “hold still.”

Epstein writes:

“But this kind of satisfaction is impossible because the qualities that we project onto the desired object—of permanence, stability or “thingness”—do not really exist… The disparity between the way we perceive things and the way they actually are is at the root of our struggle with desire. Once we learn to make that disparity part of our experience, however, desire can be a teacher rather than an affliction.” [p 69]

Plagued by clinging

Most of the people I work with are plagued by their clinging.

They are looking for the perfect partner. They are looking for the perfect life, the perfect career, the perfect mind-set. But perfect is a static list of characteristics, and ignores the dynamic nature of life.

My clients tell me they want to be happy. As if there is a permanent state called happiness that someone, with effort, could cling to all the time, despite the reality that all of life is change.

I want to loosen their fingers from the death-grip they have on the object[s] of their desire, so that they can accept the paradox of their desire—you can never hold on to anything, including your illusions.

Buddha on desires

The Buddha said, in the first of the Four Noble Ideas, that “life is dukkha.” Epstein writes that the Sanskrit dukkha, [the word usually translated suffering] actually means something closer to “pervasive unsatisfactoriness.”

An example of dukkha is a potter’s wheel that is off-balance, and therefore always squeaks, annoyingly. Neat, eh? When you are miserable, isn’t that what life feels like? It’s not quite right, annoying, irritating, anger-provoking.

And then, the Buddha said [The Second Noble Idea] that the cause of dukkha was attachment to desire, which is better defined as grasping or clinging to desire. Thus, it is not the desire—the feeling—that gets us. It’s our endless demands for more of what we want, less of what we don’t want. It’s our ignorance—our clinging to our confused mental picture of the object of our desire.

This confusion is captured in the song title, “Hooked on a Feeling.” [B J THOMAS]

Note the lyric, “I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me.” The person is hooked on the feeling of believing, and none of that is external—it’s not about the other person. It’s a mind game—the writer is turned on by his own feelings!

Why suffering happens

Suffering happens as we try to freeze reality.

We feel the heat of desire and passion, and addict ourselves to the feeling. We look at the object of our desire [person, place, or thing] and instead of interacting with “the dynamic reality,” we go into our heads and create a story.

Our suffering comes from our attachment to our stories—our fixation with how we think things ought to be.

We then attempt to make the other person into the thing that we desire—into our very own “it.” We turn a dynamic person, for example, into a category, like “My husband” or “My wife.” We then fixate on our story about “how a wife ought to be” [for example] and make ourselves miserable when the “object of our desire” doesn’t match the fixed story.

People do this to avoid the hard work of relating to an ever-changing reality. And they despair [or change partners] when they realise the futility of this form of clinging, which doesn’t stop them from playing the same game with the next desirable object! The only way out is to find a way to stop clinging.

The Two Paths

The ‘right hand path’ suggests dealing with this tension and pain by rejecting or renouncing desire.

The ‘left hand path,’ being open to desire, is to accept it, respect it, and use it to work with the reality of dynamic living.

Passion, without grasping, is a way to open ourselves to encountering the other person as a real, dynamic human being.

This type of relating is an internal decision to

• be passionately engaged in an exploration of the gap that exists between myself and another.
• explore the gap between another and my perception of another.
• acknowledge that I can only know “of” another—and that my knowing is more about me than about another.

So, how do we open up to desire, after all?

Oddly, it’s as simple as acceptance. I accept that nothing stays the same, and that there is always a gap [and therefore a tension] between what is and what I desire. I use this tension to relax into being comfortable with my discomfort.

As I find the comfort of desire, as opposed to the pain of clinging, I can choose, moment by moment, to be in an intimate, flowing relationship with all of life.

Meditate on this: I am who I am, and my desire is a part of that. If I observe my desire as opposed to clinging to it, the desire will lead me to notice what I am doing, and allow me to step away from clinging to simply ‘being in the moment.’

Life is an endless tension between what is and what we desire. That is the nature of life.

The way to work with the tension is to simply be present with it in a non-grasping way.

Once I see that life is as it is, I can learn to be in my life, as opposed to trying and failing endlessly, to fix it.

Once I stop playing god, in other words, I can simply be me.

Like I have another choice…

The post Understanding and opening up to desire appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What is rebellion?

It’s not unthinkingly doing the opposite

One friend is married to a guy who continually lives by his own rules, but it’s rebellion for rebellion’s sake. He’ll go to a restaurant, get seated and then demand another table. He’s highly opinionated, but it’s without thought or consideration. He’s not a true rebel; he’s just annoying.

It’s not “teenage rebellion”

This is a more benign version of the guy above. Teens have a tendency to argue for argument’s sake. The parent says “black”; the teen says “white.” Not because white is correct or even their preference, but because it’s a safe way to engage in anti-parent rebellion.

It’s not just being “against” something

It is impossible to rebel when one only knows what one is against. A woman I knew had doctors for parents. They insisted she be one, too. However, she wanted to be a pianist. They refused to help, and bought her a microscope instead. So, as a teen, she “rebelled” against them by dropping out of high school and getting pregnant. Her next step was to become a secretary and to marry a guy her parents hated. When she came to me for advice, I suggested that all these actions were equivalent to thumbing her nose at her parents; it accomplishes nothing.

I asked her what she was for. She, no surprise, still wanted to be a pianist. We talked; she enrolled in a university to learn music, and became a pianist.

It is impossible to rebel when one only knows what one is against

The act of rebellion begins in the mind

1.  The first step is discovery

Societies prize compliance; the desire to follow the values they promote is embedded in us. Sadly, only about five per cent of the population questions their beliefs. That is why true rebellion is rare; pseudo-rebellion is prevalent, and going along to fit in is dominant. But let’s just say that you’re pulled to question your beliefs. Start by listing your basic beliefs. I call these things “rock beliefs” because they are foundational. Make a list of all of the foundational truths you believe—about yourself and about the world. A hint: think in broad categories. For example, think of people of different nationalities, creeds or races. What comes immediately to your mind? What are the “truths” you know about men, women, business or religion? Carry on from there.

2.  The second step is examination

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone [or a group] to help you examine your beliefs. It might be a therapist, a professor, a guru or a rōshi. I’ll use a therapist as an example. A good therapist will help you to challenge your belief system by asking you to examine where your beliefs lead. For example, you might say you want an excellent primary relationship, but have a core belief that women are subservient to men. That belief means you won’t allow a relationship between equals. The therapist will point the contradiction out to you, and ask you to choose. The therapist will not make the choice for you. This is important. For example, many students in college join a particular club and hear endless diatribes about what that group thinks is “wrong.” The student listens, has an emotional reaction, and ends up blindly swapping one set of beliefs for another. You have to choose for yourself. Examination requires patience and trust.

A good therapist will help you to challenge your belief system by asking you to examine where your beliefs lead

3.  The third step is trust

And the person you trust is you. As you start examining each of your beliefs, you will monitor yourself. You will notice both feelings and thoughts arising. The first feeling is often cold fear. You are challenging a deeply held belief—and this triggers the fear of ostracisation. This leads to your mind trying to come up with all of the reasons why you should leave things alone. When this happens, I urge you to persist. Just beneath these two knee-jerk reactions resides a wisdom voice. It will say: “This is who you will be, and how you will be, if you let go of that belief.” Trust that voice. It’s never wrong.

4. The fourth step is to expect external challenges

To continue the pianist’s story, the woman’s rebellion [at 28!] was met with her being cut off by her parents. Then mockery from her husband: “What makes you think you can do this?” It took courage to persevere. Challenges will come from the people and groups that instil or follow the old beliefs. If you change something that others believe can’t be changed, and you succeed, what does that say about them? So they want you to cut it out, and they will tell you they have your best interest at heart, but they don’t. They don’t want their own boat rocked, and believe that bad things will happen to them if you change. Change anyway.

5. The fifth step is to act

Having examined and shifted your beliefs, what could possibly be left to do? Obviously, the doing. An internal shift is nice but useless. True rebellion is active. The good news is that completing the first four steps means you’ve done more self-examination than the vast majority of your peers. The bad news is that most people stop just this side of changing the one thing they can—their behaviour. Complaining about the world does not change the world. Going to rallies and listening to speeches does not change the world. Signing online petitions does not change the world. Acting in keeping with your newly adopted beliefs changes your world. The pianist changed her world at her first public concert, and not a second before.

An internal shift is nice but useless. True rebellion is active

Be the change

Revisit the above points and find a way to be what you want to see. Describe to yourself what you believe and then ask, “How can I live out my belief in the real world?” This is integrity—your actions match what you say you believe in.

The society you and I come from is heavily invested in you behaving yourself, giving lip service to the status quo. And sadly, most of us do exactly that, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that the beliefs they hold so dearly are meaningless and useless. So do the work that is necessary to ruthlessly expunge from yourself what does not work, establish a personal belief system that counteracts the ineffective beliefs, and then passionately engage. Make a difference, and start with each of your interactions, because you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to transform your own world, one step at a time.

The post A crash course in authentic rebellion appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I’d like you to think about your primary relationship. Or better, simply observe your side of things for, say, a week. I suspect that, if you are paying attention, you’ll see much mindless, repetitious behaviour.

It will be things like “tuning out” and not really hearing what your partner is saying [you may even say to yourself, “I’ve heard it all before…”] Or, s/he will do something and you’ll “automatically” be mad or sad.

You may discover that both of you have settled into a “safe” routine and work quite hard at not ruffling each other’s feathers. Or, something comes up and one or both of you retreat into sullen silence.

I’d like to suggest that this is actually a problem of attention, as in ‘not paying any’. Couples in trouble do this stuff all the time, and the only way out is waking up. Because predictability and autopilot do not make for great relating.

Here’s a bit of a running example for you!

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Let’s call this couple Jack and Jill. Jack is 40, Jill is 20, and they’ve been married a year. Their issue: prior to getting married, Jill loved the attention Jack paid to her. After, he started getting really possessive—wanting her “to dress appropriately”, “to be home at a proper time.”

Jill had left home at 16; her father had been cruel and dominating. Guess what? Now, it was like Jack was turning into her father! And Jack played right in, first “suggesting”, then criticising and demanding. When they fought, all there was, was finger pointing and blaming. They were on the verge of separating.

I suggested that they get out of their heads, out of their stories, and relate as Jack and Jill. Initially, they both thought I was nuts—clearly, the other person was entirely to blame! They wanted me to be a judge, and I refused.

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Let’s look at what I suggested that they do next.

Descriptions and Concepts

Let’s start with relating. It’s clear that most people don’t know the “whats” and “whys” of their relationship, and have no clue how to relate elegantly. Think about it: prior to your first relationship, all you knew about relating came from watching other relationships—primarily that of your parents’.

Each parent models how their child relates to: the same sex, the opposite sex, a spouse, their “kids”. You absorbed their way of doing things. But seeing is one thing—doing it yourself is another!

Anyway, so one day you meet Mr/Ms Right, and now you have to paddle your own relationship kayak. With no practical experience.

Most folk have no clue about relating and think it’s unnecessary to go to someone to learn; but then they can’t figure out why they’re always “flipping their kayak”.

The dumb stuff starts happening when the glow of newness [and lust] starts to wear off. One morning, one or both roll over, look at their partner, and shudder: “Who is this person, and what am I doing here?”

Then, the second dumb thing happens: either you try to ignore the differences and difficulties, or you try to “fix” your partner.

Most folk have no clue about relating and think it’s unnecessary to go to someone to learn

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Back to Jack and Jill. Jill had expected to always be adored, and Jack wanted to be endlessly thanked for looking after Jill. But then, as with most relationships, the novelty wore off.

Jill had rebelled at 16, and that was what she did when she felt pressure. Jack would suggest she do things differently; Jill would immediately do something to provoke.

I had to help them get out of fixing and blaming mode.

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I think the “cure” to this drama starts with some reflection. Let’s start with a little exercise.

Exercise 1 – Grab some paper or a notebook, and write down the reasons you are in a relationship. If you aren’t presently in one, and want to play along anyway, just write about a past relationship, or come up with a theoretical list.

Done? Good. Let’s have a look.

First, scan your list. If you were vague, and wrote something like “companionship”, take a minute to flesh it out. What are you really looking for?

Now, put a big plus sign in front of, “To learn more about myself, and to learn more about my partner.” Not there? Hmm.

Let me tell you, in my 33 years as a counsellor, “Learning about myself, and learning about my partner” never made the list, for any of my clients.

What did make the lists?

[Note: this isn’t a complete list, and it’s not in any particular order.]

• I want someone to complete me.
• I love him/her.
• I want someone to look after my needs.
• I want a cheerleader.
• I want someone attractive to show off when I go out.
• I want someone to talk to.
• I want someone to have sex with.

Anything like these on your list?
OK, let me note a problem or two with the bulleted points, and then talk a bit more on “learning about myself”.

First, all of the above non-helpful bullet points are one-sided. It’s not just semantics. People in bad relationships expect their partner to do what they want, yet have a hard time doing the same for their partner.

For example, I have never heard, “He completes me, and I complete him.” Saying it this way would imply some form of equality in the relationship, and that’s not what most people think relating is about.

One-sidedness happens because, at the emotional level, most adults are infantile.

Because of our early upbringing, all of us harbour a deep belief that “I am the centre of the universe, and that others ought to be here to meet my needs.”

We learn this in our first year or so, when it is actually true that everyone around us is totally dedicated to our comfort—to keeping us fed and clothed and clean and, above all, happy. We’re infants, after all, and can’t do it for ourselves.

All that attention becomes a hard-wired expectation.

We get older, and eventually begin to play at being adults. But the belief lingers—we still want to be looked after. “People are here to make me happy, keep me healthy and meet my needs. But my parents refuse to do it anymore.”

The fatal idea: “Oh! I know! I’ll marry someone, and s/he can do it!”

Inevitably, we bump our noses against the person we are in relationship with, and unbelievably, s/he dares to act as if s/he is the centre of the universe, and! s/he follows different rules—and! s/he wants you to look after him/her!

Up come the shields, as each hardens, and tries to fix the other.

If you’re having relationship issues, that’s what your list from the first exercise will point to.

And here’s the joke: there’s nothing to fix, because you’re not broken, not incomplete. You’re just asleep. And all of this also applies to your partner!

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For Jack and Jill, the issue was their clinging to the past—to what had worked for them in the past. Except, it hadn’t! Jack had had several failed relationships: “I treated them like queens!” Jill had run away from home and had never had a steady boyfriend. Their stories about themselves were untrue!

As were their stories about each other, of course! If they were unable to see themselves, what possibility was there that they were seeing each other clearly?

We had to begin to work at stopping the reactions they were both having: he lectured, she rebelled. They needed to learn to sit down, and simply listen to each other.

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Is there a way out?

Yes. Mindful relating. Keep reading!

The relating part of the solution was mentioned above—using your relationship to learn about yourself. This requires letting go of the need to be right, to win, to be in charge, to dominate.

This flies in the face of everything most folk know about relating.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a term and practice devised in the USA/Canada, principally by Jon Kabat-Zinn. He’s a meditator and student of [mostly] Zen, and runs a stress relief project. He recognised the benefits of what he called MBSR [Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction].

He decided to see what would happen if he extracted meditation from Buddhism, and taught it as mindfulness. As Wikipedia puts it: “…He removed the Buddhist framework and eventually downplayed any connection between mindfulness and Buddhism…”

The term mindfulness leaves a slightly sour taste in my mouth as, for me, the Buddhist psychological underpinnings are pretty important. But rather than get into that topic, here’s what I mean by mindfulness, and what I mean by “Relating with Mindfulness.”

Short-form of the Buddha story: when asked who he was [a god, a sage…] Buddha replied, “I am awake.” Being awake [bodhi] means one can see through illusion, to the true nature of things. I would [and do!] argue that awakening is “what life is supposed to be about.”

OK. So, being mindful is all about seeing through life’s illusions. I mentioned the primary illusion above, but I might rephrase it here as:

The primary illusion is “you”. You know—“centre of the universe you”. That’s an illusion because it’s unsustainable.

Every time you try to place your needs and demands over another’s, you see what happens: others counter with their own demands. We hear “no”, go inside, tell ourselves stories, and make ourselves miserable.

In Buddhist terms, when our desires are not met, we create dukkha, or dis-satisfaction. And, because of our infantile natures, we do two things:

1. we crank our heads around, look for something or someone [our partner!] to blame, and

2. we still expect things to be fixed to our satisfaction, because we think we are the centre of the universe.

So, what is awake?

Being awake, being mindful, is: catching ourselves mid-head turn, stopping ourselves from being caught in our stories, letting go of being dis-satisfied, enjoying the joke, and then sharing our insight with someone else.

Well, that last clause is the relating mindfully part.

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For Jack and Jill, the process began with learning to calm themselves. One or the other would raise an issue, and the fight would begin. This happened because each stopped listening to the other, and started defending. We worked on verbal and signal clues [like raising the hand, and saying, “Let’s take a moment, and bring the volume down.”] They agreed to use this as a time to sit quietly.

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Learning to Wake Up

Learn to meditate. No. Really.

But here’s the key, and this is essential: don’t have a goal. Don’t meditate for stress-reduction [looking at you, Jon Kabat-Zinn,] or to relax, or to lower your blood pressure, and don’t meditate [despite this article], to have a better relationship.

Meditate, and you’ll learn to see the game.

In meditation, we learn to sit still long enough to notice [without attachment] the workings
of our mind. Period. We learn to be with our mind, and to watch thoughts float by, [which is what they will do if you don’t grab on and play with them.]

As you meditate, you see that all of your games and stories, all of your blaming and uncomfortableness—your unsatisfactoriness—is a figment of your imagination.

And you notice that what is actually going on is one breath, and one breath.

You have to learn to meditate properly.

You need to come to terms with the reality of our unreality—how we judge, blame, demand—getting nowhere but into a pile of dis-satisfaction. And you see that the thoughts that empower all of this are clouds passing on the mind-screen.

Exercise 2 – Find a quiet place, and sit comfortably. Let’s do this one seated on a chair, unless you regularly meditate on a cushion. Sit with feet flat on the floor, and move your back away from the back of the chair. Keep your eyes open and softly focussed on the floor two metres ahead.

Breathe, and just sit there.

After a minute or two, [likely sooner!] you’ll notice thoughts. Just watch them arise. Don’t grab one, not yet. Let a few pass, and you’ll see there’s an endless supply.

Now, here’s the biggie. Think of your partner, and see what comes up. I’d almost bet a disagreement will percolate to the top; if not, think of your last unresolved conflict.

This time, follow the thought.

But only for a minute or two. Now, breathe, soothe yourself, and let the thought go.

Wasn’t that uncomfortable? You likely tightened up, made yourself tense, and told yourself all of your hard-done-by stories.

Now for the big question: what, in the real world, about the situation, changed?

Exercise 3 – Same set up. Go back inside, and bring that painful memory up again. This time, though, take an internal step back, and see yourself winding yourself up over a non-real movie in your head.

Have a big breath, and let yourself disengage from the movie; then, return to calm breathing.

Congratulations! You just woke up, only for a second.

Now, keep doing that, repeatedly, until you die!

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Jack and Jill wanted to stay together, so they were motivated. Both had actually meditated in the past, so they quickly learned to sit together. This led them to be able to tone down anger or annoyance… they began to look a bit deeper, and unearth
past relationship material—the stuff they wound up over—and learned to let it go.

They did this repeatedly, because dumb stuff tends to repeat!

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Because… that’s the point

Mindfulness is a dynamic process, not a fixed state. We are awakening, moment by moment, or we are not.

Meditating shows us the game, and shows us how to let go of our crazy-making thoughts. But here’s the kicker: it’s useless unless you do it all the time, off the cushion, and especially when bumping your nose against your partner.

The rules of disengagement [the last exercise] also apply when you are in dialogue: you catch yourself winding yourself up, telling stories, having judgements, etc. You step back, and have a breath. And then, you choose differently.

I’m sure you’re thinking that, when engaging with your partner, things seem real.

Well, yes and no.

It is real in the sense that you can reach across the space and pinch your partner, and s/he is right there.

It is unreal in every other sense. If you slow down and watch yourself, you can see yourself inventing meanings, telling stories, etc. When you do this, you are no longer engaging with your partner—you’re engaging with the imaginary person in your head.

What goes on in your head is not real any more than imagining eating a pizza is the same as eating an actual one

To get this, to wake up, you:

1. have to realise what you are doing, and then
2. have to let go of your stories, [just like you do when you meditate] and come back into the situation, minus the stories about your partner.

Relating with Mindfulness

I suppose I could have written, Living with Mindfulness, as what I’m describing is about the whole enchilada, but your relationship is actually a great practice field for mindful living.

It’s great because [theoretically] your partner wants you to be your best “you”, and vice versa.

Awakening is Self-Work

You do this work, and all self-work, for yourself. This is not self-ish. This is wisdom. If you are out of control and acting like an idiot, that’s on you, not on your partner. If you sort your drama out, you benefit [as does the rest of the planet!].

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Example: Next, Jack and Jill learned the Communication Model, which is just a fancy way for saying they learned to talk for themselves. Each took responsibility for speaking always and only for themselves, and learned to ask, rather than demand. Most importantly, they learned to do this for themselves, not to fix the other.

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So, we begin here: the pronoun of your life, from this point on, is “I”.

This is a fundamental shift. You are beginning a path of self-acceptance—who you are and how you do what you do is all you, all the time. Others are not making you do anything, so you need to stop talking as if they are.

“I” is the pronoun of presence. [I’m not going to get into the Buddhist principle of “no-I” as that’s another topic.] As I said above, beyond what your senses take in, everything else is you, making things up and telling stories.

Some people like oysters; others don’t. The wise person understands that this has nothing at all to do with the oyster.

Once you grasp this, you see that your judgements have nothing to do with the person [thing, situation] in front of you. It’s why you and your partner have different views—not right/wrong, but simply, personally, different.

We move past this by always and only speaking for ourselves

Exercise 4 – Monitor yourself. [And sorry, you have to do this until you die.] You need to pay special attention to two things: what you think, and what you say.

I want you to watch your internal and external usage of “I” and “you”. The commitment is this: when you say “you”, if you are not describing what you see or hear, you must shift to “I”.

[The only allowable use of “you”: “I notice that you are scrunching up your eyes, and are looking away,” or, “I notice that the tone of your voice just shifted.” (Not “I notice that you sound pissed off.” That’s a judgement, and is about you and your interpretations. Again!)]

Examples:

Instead of saying, “You make me angry!” [No s/he doesn’t! S/he is doing whatever, and you are choosing your reaction.], choose to say, “I am choosing to anger myself right now.”

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” choose to say, “I wonder if you’d like to hear what’s up for me.”

[Please note: this is one aspect of the Communication Model we teach. To learn it fully, pick up my book, The. Best. Relationship. Ever.]

Pay attention!

For now until forever, speak always and only for yourself. This means owning your judgements, speaking your truths by saying, “This is what I believe,” and asking your partner for clarification for pretty much everything they say or do.

We ask for clarification because we barely comprehend why we do and think what we do, and we plainly suck at figuring out the motivations of others. Our beliefs about others are self-serving, and are designed to keep us stuck in our prejudices [pre-judgements]. The only way out is through curiosity.

Our beliefs about others are self-serving, and are designed to keep us stuck in our prejudices

The Joy of Curiosity

Here’s the crux of relating with others: you know nothing! Even if someone always reacts a certain way to something, that is not ever predictive of future behaviour.

Proof: You read this article, and adopt its way of being. If the above were true, you couldn’t change. Or worse, your partner would never believe you could or would change.

Your beliefs about others are just stories, and usually non-helpful.

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Jill began to realise that she dressed and acted provocatively for two reasons: to get attention, and to be seen as a rebel. The truth was, she was a showboat, and the more insecure she felt, the more she acted out.

Jack realised that he really believed that men were “supposed to” protect and take care of women. He liked to feel like a white knight.

Both realised that they blamed the other for their discomfort with themselves! Which is pretty common. It took a while, but soon, their favourite line was, “Boy, am I ever getting myself wound up about [whatever], and I’m about to blame you!”

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So, with your primary partner, and later with others:

Exercise 5 – Ask questions! But be honest, too, about your silly, silly stories in your head.

“I see you tightening your eyes, and the story I am telling myself is that you are angry, so I’m gearing up for a fight. But I’m not mind reading anymore, so let me ask, ‘What’s up for you right now?’”

Because, curiosity!

Relating is a Mirror

Here’s the best reason for being in an Elegant, Intimate Relationship [according to me]:

Relating elegantly means that my partner holds up a mirror for me to see myself in, and I do the same for him/her. My partner is the perfect person to provide me with requested feedback, emphasis on requested. And, emphatically, vice versa. After all, s/he sees me being me, all the time.

The time for establishing “mirroring” is any time there’s a quiet moment, as opposed to in the middle of a fight.

Here’s an example of what such an agreement might sound like: [notice the “I” language]

“I know that when I upset myself I can get lost in my stories, and get lost in blaming people and events for what I am experiencing. In that moment, I lose sight of how much I’m winding myself up. I’d like to make a deal with you. I’d like you to listen to the stories I’m telling myself, and then I’d like you to invite me to notice that I’m winding myself up [upsetting myself, making myself angry] and invite me to stop. And I will do the same for you.”

Now, I know. You’re thinking, “Real people don’t talk or act like that!” So, I’d just ask you to look at how people in relationships you value—the ones you think are great examples—communicate. I’ll bet they are doing some variation of the above. The rest, well, they’re getting by, or are resigned to a meaningless relationship.

♦ ♦ ♦

After a few months with the Communication Model, and speaking for themselves, Jack and Jill began to trust each other enough to hear, “You seem to be agitating yourself, and I’m wondering what you might do differently?”

This led to “breathing”, then to dialogue regarding the internal fears, thoughts and issues that were actually behind what, in the past, would have led to blaming, then to a fight.

♦ ♦ ♦

Practice, all the time

OK, so most couples have this dumb idea that relating ought to be easy—indeed, if it isn’t, they think they need a new partner. Not so! Living and relating mindfully, like meditation, is a discipline, and any discipline takes practice.

In counselling, we start couples off with a Communication Model, and insist that they practice it for 30 minutes, every day.

Why?

So that they learn it in the normal times, so it’s second nature the next time they have a disagreement, and the situation is ramped up.

Exercise 6 – Have a meeting with your partner, and set aside a time and place to have a 30 minute a day dialogue. The rules: show up, and use “I” language, talking only for yourself, about yourself. In general, share the 30 minutes equally.

When the first person stops talking, the second does not refute what the person was saying! Instead, “Thanks for sharing your story. Here is what is up for me.”

Intentions

Back to where we started. Now what is your intention for your relationship? Go back to your notebook, and write it again.

Hopefully, you wrote something like,

“My relationship is the container in which I best learn about myself, while encouraging my partner to learn about him/herself.”

If this, or something like it, is not the intent for you, and you’re still stuck on being looked after, or right, well… thanks for reading this far.

For those of you that didn’t bugger off, let’s say, for the sake of simplicity, that we agree to call this Elegant, Intimate Relating.

Here’s the deal: from this point on, when you dialogue with your partner, and especially when things are heating up, you say to yourself:

OK, have a breath! [Then, have one, or several, breaths] Think, or say: “My overriding goal is to be present, which means I must escape from my stories. So, as I enter into this heated dialogue, before, during, and after my speaking, I am going to ask myself, ‘What is my intention in saying this?’”

“If my intention is to win, or hurt, or punish, I’ll have another breath, and remember Elegant, Intimate Relating.

“If I didn’t actually say something dumb, I’ll tell my partner I almost slipped. If I did slip, I’ll apologise as soon as I notice, and invite my partner back into dialogue.

“If my partner slips and deviates from Elegant, Intimate Relating, I’ll have a breath and “not bite.” And if I do bite, as soon as I catch myself, I’ll [you guessed it] take a breath, and bring myself back to Elegant, Intimate Relating.

“In no case will I pretend that my behaviour is dependent upon what my partner is doing. In other words, I have decided to engage with my partner [and with life!] mindfully, and that is entirely about me. I will no longer excuse my deviating behaviour by blaming others, situations, or even myself.

“I will continue, with each breath, to get over myself, and get over my delusions. I will self-soothe to eliminate the suffering I create for myself, and I will open myself to vulnerable dialogue.”

Phew!

Really?

Yup. This is what works. And it is work. Endless work, as we fight against our accusatory, blaming, suffering natures.

Remember: Being awake isn’t a place. It’s a process.

♦ ♦ ♦

Jack and Jill, years later, continue together. They do sit together regularly, and use the Communication Model all the time. They still react to triggers, but catch themselves. They have a gained sense of humour over their triggers, and continue to laugh with each other.

♦ ♦ ♦

Learning to be Open and Vulnerable

Exercise 6 – Sit with your back against the headboard of your bed. Have your partner sit between your open legs, his/her back to your chest. Reach around and rest your hands on his/her heart.

Hold them for a while.

Then, say: “I am curious and interested in who you are, and who you are becoming. My wish is that you always feel safe and secure with me, just like now. So, I promise to be this open and vulnerable with you, to hold you and your heart gently, and to agree to look at things from your perspective. I can never see things exactly as you do, but I promise to be open to listening, and responding.”

Then, change places, and repeat.

OK, so here’s a taste of what waking up—mindfulness—is all about. Needless to say, shifting your relationship in this direction is not a one shot deal.

Being present with your partner is a moment-by-moment, for-a-lifetime kind of thing

So, I’d encourage you to decide to do just that. Revisit, with your partner, your commitment to talk for 30 minutes a day, and then commit to going deeper.

The “deeper” part is to begin the sharing of your underlying stories, the hurts and pains that have caused you to tighten up and slip into autopilot. You make a new pact, to be open, honest, and vulnerable with your principal partner, about all of it.

Do that, and you’ll find yourself Relating with Mindfulness!

[Shameless plug: as I mentioned above, I wrote a whole book about this, called The. Best. Relationship. Ever. It’s a much more thorough walk through of the above, and includes the full Communication Model, as well as a lot more exercises. I’d urge you to pick up the paperback or Kindle version at your friendly, local Amazon location, worldwide!]

The post Get Your Relationship Off the Autopilot appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

American actress and novelist Ilka Chase must have had a terrific sense of humour. Soon after she parted ways with her husband Louis Calhern, she found a package of visiting cards bearing the title “Mrs Louis Calhern”. Rather than see them wasted, Ilka got them wrapped and mailed the package to her now ex-husband’s new wife Julia Hoyt. Along with the package she sent a note: “Dear Julia,” it read, “I hope these reach you in time.”

Though this funny anecdote is from the early part of the 20^th century, it reveals a not-so-happy phenomenon of short-lived marriages that is just as widespread today as it was then. Two people fall in love, feel a sense of completeness, get married, and soon discover that their fairy tale story was just their imagination. Each partner blames the other for the collapse of the relationship, missing the point absolutely. Best-selling author Gary Zukav explains this saying, “The collapse of a romantic attraction begins when you realise your saviour cannot deliver, and your anxieties, fears, resentments and self-doubts return. Then you begin the search for salvation all over again.” The inherent problem then lies in looking for salvation through a relationship instead of using it to learn about the self and grow as a person.

The divorce rates in India, though lower than the rest of the world, have increased manifold in the recent years. Even those couples who stay in the marriage are often not in it consciously. They are sifting mindlessly through their lives together, harbouring all kinds of erroneous notions about their respective partners. Sometimes the wall between the couple seems insurmountable; their problems seem impossible to solve. But no problem is unsolvable, if only we stop looking for answers outside and turn within. And this is exactly what Wayne C Allen helps us do in this month’s lead story.

Drawing upon his experience as a psychotherapist, he helps us to detect the flaws in the way we relate. He then introduces the idea of using mindfulness to relate, a perspective that is at once fresh and intuitive, helping us understand what we really want from our relationships.

This feature is unlike most others in that it’s participative. I liken it to a mini-workshop where he introduces his Communication Model. Plus, there are plenty of exercises that you can do right away. These are interspersed with gems of wisdom such as, “For now until forever, speak always and only for yourself. This means owning your judgements, speaking your truths by saying, ‘This is what I believe,’ and asking your partner for clarification for pretty much everything they say or do.” What Wayne does is make you think for yourself and, in doing so, makes you realise that your happiness is in your hands. Your relationships then become an opportunity to share that joy and learn about yourself.

Award-winning author Dave Meurer says, “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” So that’s the heart of the matter. I’d say let your differences help you grow while you love each other even more.

Read the full story here.

The post October 2015 issue: Is your marriage on autopilot? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I want to talk about these self-created obstacles to meditation. It seems to me that there are three ways to stop yourself.

• First, you stop yourself by not starting
• Second, you abandon your practice because of physical complaints
• Third, your mind comes up with mental constraints to get you to stop.

The 3 most common obstacles to meditation (and ways to overcome them)

Obstacle #1: Not starting

This is one of the most prevalent obstacles to meditation. I recommend meditation to almost all of my clients. You would be amazed by the number of excuses I’ve heard for not starting. Here’s my favourite example:

One client was the CFO of a major corporation. He was really stressed out, and had medical issues—he was overweight, he had high blood pressure, and most of his days were a misery. I suggested meditation.

He replied, “How am I ever going to find 20 more minutes in my already overfilled day?”

How can he not?! The way he’s living his life isn’t working—this is obvious just looking at him.

I have this theory: We’ve all got a little kid inside our heads that really likes being miserable. It’s the quite childish voice of all of our excuses. The little kid is also really good at defending past choices.

That’s this guy’s problem—he knows that his life is totally out of control, yet presents tons of arguments for why nothing can change. And of course, he’s right. Nothing can change—unless he changes it.

Many “not starting” excuses are weird. I have a friend who teaches meditation, but won’t meditate when she’s stressed. I find this really bizarre—she thinks that she can only meditate when everything is going great.

She upsets herself, stops meditating, ends up in a big mess, starts meditating, and feels better. You’d think she’d learn, but she has a little voice in her head that says, “Things are going much too badly to be sitting around doing nothing.”

So,

• there’s the time factor—thinking yourself too busy to set aside 20 minutes a day, and
• the stress factor—thinking you’re much too upset to meditate. And there’s
• the stubbornness factor—the little kid is jumping up and down and saying, “I shouldn’t have to do this! It’s not fair! This is a waste of time!”

The way out

I know it’s going to sound pretty simplistic, but the only way to get past the obstacle of not meditating is to meditate. Everyone, me included, can come up with reasons for not starting. I certainly know that I have avoided meditation when I have a headache, or a cold, or if I’ve decided that I’m just too busy.

But I also can be stubborn, and in this case that’s a good thing. I make the daily decision to sit, I pick a logical time, typically in the morning, and then I sit. Here’s the key: I don’t have to want to sit—I just have to sit. It’s not about wanting. It’s about doing.

Obstacle #2: Physical complaints

This is another among the most common obstacles to meditation cited by people. I know this one too. I learned to meditate back in 1968. In the process, I knew if I was going to be a “real” meditator, I’d have to sit for long periods of time in full lotus.

I tried—oh how I tried. And my knees ached. And my back ached. Pretty much everything from my navel-down ached. I’d tough it out, my feet would fall asleep, I’d get up, I’d fall down. And then I’d stop meditating for a little while—maybe a decade.

There are meditation teachers that insist that full lotus is the only way to go. They are of the “no pain, no gain” school of meditation. I don’t buy it, not in the least. The only body I have to work with is mine, and after 45 years, my knees still prefer other postures than full lotus.

Which is why there are other ways to sit. There’s Burmese style, kneeling posture [which is the way I sit] and half lotus. And as an absolute last resort, you can always sit on a straight-backed chair.

The way out

Go find a meditation teacher who will help you discover the right sitting posture for you and your body. They’re out there—just ask around.

The other thing that really helped, happened three or four years ago. We found a new meditation center, and the teacher had us do yoga stretches ahead of meditating. I’ve done yoga for some years, but had never thought of using it specifically to work on my hips and legs for sitting.

He used about five poses, and after doing them, I could sit for 45 minutes with no pain. Pretty amazing. I only had to do the stretches for a year—now I can just sit, and sit comfortably.

So, you might touch base with a yoga instructor, and ask for some poses to loosen things up.

Then, tune into your body. I still feel a small amount of discomfort as I sit, so I run a scan on my body. Almost always, I’ve slid out of proper meditation posture. I may be tipped to one side or the other, or I’m rounding my back, or I’ve tightened myself up. Because I’ve made scanning my body part of my practice, it’s pretty easy to notice when things are out of alignment.

Again, you likely need someone to check how you’re sitting. Meditation teachers are used to doing this, as finding a perfectly balanced posture initially requires a second set of eyes. When in doubt, ask.

Obstacle #3: Mental chatter

Okay, so you’re sitting there. And you’re inundated with mind chatter, and vigorous gripes about sitting. How normal!

Another major issue keeping us from continuing our practice is, “My mind just won’t shut up!” And then I hear stories about all the crazy thoughts that come up for people as they meditate.

The problem comes from a misunderstanding about what meditation is all about. Most people think that meditation is about stopping thinking. Nothing could be further from the truth. We think, all the time. You can’t “not think”. Part of our thinking process involves that little kid I mentioned before. The whiny little kid really doesn’t like sitting still, meditating. There really is a part of our brain that loves the status quo. This part has habituated itself to being miserable.

It’s almost as if this part can sense that things are going to change if you continue to meditate. So this part of our brain starts throwing up warning signals. Complaints. Gripes. On and on it natters, and we obey at our peril. And let me assure you, this part makes reasonable complaints. Nothing outlandish, just endless griping.

The way out

You listen without attaching [following the thought].

What this means is, the real point of meditating is to be with what is happening. That includes being with aches and pains, wacky thoughts, and external distractions. As a matter of fact, the real point of meditation is what I call taking meditation into the world.

The world is a noisy, messy place. We learn to be present and at peace in the real world. This process begins on the cushion. As thoughts come up, remind yourself that it’s natural to be thinking. Take a slow, deep, conscious breath, and just let the thought go. Now, realistically, you might do this 100 times in a 20 minute sit. As I said before, the issue is not “thinking”—it’s attaching to the thought.

We are trying to break the habit of starting down the thought path, noticing, and then continuing anyway.

At the junction point—when you notice that you’re in your head, telling stories—you simply invite yourself back into the present moment. Some people do this by counting breaths, others by running an inventory of their bodies, and others just quietly tune into what’s going on around them.

One of my favourite silly thoughts is trying to guess when “time’s up”. We use a meditation timer that’s on our phones and tablets, and I have done all that I can to not be continually checking the device to see how much time is left. In the early days of using those applications, I could quite easily convince myself that they were broken and that I’d been sitting way, way too long. I got past it. Now I just laugh at myself. I have a breath and I remind myself that I’m there to meditate until I’m done. It’s really that simple.

The takeaway

None of the things that get in your way are that serious. It all really comes down to making the decision to sit, and then sitting. The things that get in our way are all resolvable, if we decide.

The post Overcome the 3 most common obstacles to meditation appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Zazen is the Japanese name for seated meditation—the term roughly means, ‘sitting still, like a mountain.’ It is the one common practice that unites virtually all Eastern philosophies.

The Western Approach

In the West, meditation has been adapted for Western sensibilities. Jon Kabat-Zinn, for example, has developed Mindfulness Meditation for use in hospitals. He’s taken Zazen out of Buddhism, [or the Buddhism out of Zazen!] and is getting great results with people recovering from heart attacks, surgeries, stress-related illnesses, et al.

This Western approach has its emphasis on using meditation as a ‘relaxation tool.’ It is thus an ‘add on,’ used to counteract an illness [a dis-ease]. Mindfulness Meditation is a bit like a ‘pill for what ails you,’ and is doled out to help hyper active people run even faster.

Balance Is Key

Our perspective is certainly more ‘traditional.’ We see the issue as ‘imbalance’.

Our view is that ‘quick fixes’ do not address the depth of the issue–our tendency to ignore ourselves, and to bend ourselves into knots—in order to fit some preconceived notion of how adults should behave. We get caught in a loop of excess, and then look for ways to counter the damage.

We consider Zazen to be the foundation from which whole, present, engaged, and passionate living springs. From this perspective, balance is key, and being centered takes precedence over excess.

In order to grasp balance, let’s talk Qi [energy]

Exploring Qi — Yin and Yang

Qi comes in two flavors—Yin and Yang. Here are few characteristics:

• Yin is feminine, passive, dark and deep.
• Yang is masculine, active, light and shallow.

Qi is like a coin. It can’t help but have two sides. A coin is ‘balanced.’ Each side is exactly the same ‘size’ as its opposite, and each represents one ‘dynamic’ of the whole. It is impossible to think of [or have!] a one-sided or imbalanced coin. Qi is always seeking balance.

The difference between us and a coin is that we have the choice of what we emphasize, and because of this, are often un-balanced. In the 21st century, the norm is Yang-ness. The emphasis is on thinking, doing, power, aggression. Yin-ness—intuiting, reflecting, and depth is often perceived of as weakness.

Initial explorations of Qi came from the Taoists

The name Qi was chosen for the ‘unnameable, unknowable force’ that brings the Universe into being. When Qi is in balance, all is well. Awareness and focus is required so that balance is maintained.

From this perspective, each characteristic ‘flavour’ of Qi finds its balance in the other, i.e. dark/light. As for energy itself, the activity of yang is always supported by the depth and fluidity of yin. Yin, in the background, provides the framework for all action, much as a whiteboard [yin] holds what is written [yang]. Not a very Western idea at all. The passive ‘whiteboard’ is seen as ‘just a tool’ for the important stuff. Yet, because of a decided lack of emphasis on depth and stillness, people operating from this ‘modern’ understanding are often candidates for stress related illnesses.

The solution is NOT to slap on the ‘Band-Aid’ of a bit of meditation. We believe it’s to re-balance our priorities by getting in touch with the flow of our energy itself—to intuit its nature and to ease it through any blockages. Zazen is a fine way to do this. We sit to establish a harmonious body/mind/spirit. Zazen is not goal oriented—it’s not really an activity per se—it’s a way of being.

Two Misunderstandings about Zazen

Zazen is not about stopping thinking: That’s impossible. Besides, our thought processes in and of themselves do not get us into trouble. Think of it this way. The activity of our mind is to generate thoughts, just like the activity of our pancreas is to create insulin. Thinking is a natural activity. Trouble comes when:

• We confuse our thoughts with reality, and
• When we cling to our thoughts.

Zazen, then, is about sitting with our thoughts, without either judging them, or clinging to them. Thoughts become like clouds floating in front of a blue sky.

Zazen has no point: We don’t sit to accomplish something. There’s an old Zen story about the student who says, with pride, “I have let go of thinking!” His master replies, “No let go of thinking that you have let go of thinking!”

We sit in order to sit. We breathe to breathe. As thoughts arise, we watch them float by. If we find ourselves distracted, we return to ‘just sitting.’

There is no goal. It’s not about finding an ‘answer,’ and Zazen is not a contest.  Any time we set up a goal, [how long we sit for, how ‘advanced’ we are, how ‘deep’ our thoughts are, etc.] our entire focus becomes thinking about our ‘score.’ We get lost in the act of comparison, even if we are only comparing ourselves to ourselves.

Related » Thich Nhat Hanh Teaches How to Practice Conscious Breathing

Here’s How to Do Zazen

Briefly, there are 4 ways to sit, plus sitting on a chair—however, chair sitting, to my way of thinking, is only for the infirm.

The rest of us sit on cushions or benches. In an article of this length, I really can’t describe the postures adequately, or show you how to use cushions or a bench.

So here’s a video explanation featuring me!

What I can tell you is what all of the ‘postures’ have in common

Zazen is a discipline, and to accomplish what it accomplishes, you do the following:

• You sit upright. Not ramrod straight, but with a ‘stacked spine.’ Your shoulders are over your hips, and you are not tipped from side to side or front to back. In the video, I show you an easy way to accomplish this.
• Your head is slightly down, eyes open, looking four feet in front of you.
• Your right hand is palm up in your lap, your left hand is palm up in your right hand, and your thumbs are touching lightly.
• You are breathing through your nose, quietly.
• Your attention is ‘just there.’ As you sit, you are aware of sounds, temperature, physical sensations, etc. You are aware as thoughts arise. The key: as you bring your attention to any one thing, just have a breath, and let go of thinking about it.
• you fixate on something [you will!], bring your attention back to ‘just sitting.’

If you wish, you can count breaths. Start counting each out and in breath. As you notice you are thinking instead of counting, return to counting, starting at “1.” You can then start counting just the out breaths.

Walking With Awareness

Simply walk slowly, in an upright stance, carefully placing one foot, then shifting your weight, and placing another. Hands are folded across your heart. The idea is to turn your attention to each step, and come back to this as your mind wanders.

Living Meditation

Meditating on a mat is one thing. Living your meditation is another, and taking your meditation into the world is what Zazen is all about.

Once you have practiced a bit, you will notice that your body/mind/spirit resonates with sitting. This resonance can be deepened by bringing presence into day to day activities.

Cook

You might, for example, prepare a meal mindfully. When chopping veggies, chop veggies. As your mind wanders, bring it back to the action of ‘knife through vegetable.’ Keep your mind focused only on the step of the process that you are doing.

Eat the same way. Shift to eating a meal a day with chopsticks. Or, if you normally use chopsticks, switch to one meal with knife and fork. Slow down. Chew. Taste.

Do your work this way. When doing what you are doing, stop pretending you can multi-task and do one thing. With full attention, with calm breath.

Eat an Orange With Mindfulness

• Select an orange. Set the orange down in front of you. Look at it. See how the light reflects off of it. Look at the color, texture, and all the little pores. Really look.
• Now, scrape your fingernail along the skin, and listen to the sound. Pierce the skin, and start peeling, and direct your attention to the sound of peeling, then to the sound of separating the segments.
• Go back to looking—seeing how the orange pieces look.
• Bring the skin to your nose, and smell it. Set it down. Bring a segment to your nose, and smell it. Give it a little squeeze and smell again.
• Squish one of the segments in your fingers, and really feel the pulp, juice, and any seeds or pith.
• Pop a segment into your mouth, and chew it slowly. See if you can take five minutes to eat one segment. Really taste it!
• Take another segment, and rub it on your arm or leg, or just get creative, and use your body to feel the orange section.
• Now, stop, and go either wash or hose off. [I’ll wait until you get back…]

Think about your experience.

These simple games call us to presence—they help us to be in our bodies, engaging our energy, and feeling intimately what it is like to be alive.

From this place of presence, living is not something we do, but rather is who we are.

This wholeness changes everything.

Related » Mindfulness: From Doing to Being

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the December 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

The post Zazen Meditation: Zen and the Art of Just Sitting appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Zen has no goal, other than to be present for life, it teaches us to show up for the real thing—the actual experience, devoid of embellishments. Being present means fewer accidents, more engagement, and a real life as opposed to an imagined one.

Here are some ideas for you, on ways to live a simple Zen life.

Meditate

Buddhism changed drastically when it got to Japan. Zen master Dogen—founder of the Soto school—got his hands on it, and declared, “Shikantaza!” In other words, there is no need to search for enlightenment—it’s right here, right now—and best “felt” through zazen [seated meditation.]

So, the key to Zen living is carving out 20 minutes a day [or more] to just sit. We do not sit to accomplish something, nor are we merely putting in time. We sit, and in the sitting, find the present moment.

It’s not even about clearing your mind, because then having a clear mind becomes the goal. Rather, just sit, breathe, and watch yourself. Thoughts will arise, and if you let them be, they’ll drift along like clouds. If you latch on, you’ll drift into imagining. Then, as you notice, come back to just sitting.

Sit with a sense to challenge yourself. The only thing you have to work with is your life—or more specifically, the issues you confront. Have an intent to be ‘right here’ for all of it.

Zen living: Breathe, observe, drop the need to label or judge—just see each thing as one more thing—one more way to bring yourself into the Now.

Free your mind

Letting go of your mind’s dominance is the most difficult part of the Zen pathless path. The mind is sticky and slippery, and much of what it does is about maintaining the story you tell yourself.

Stories are the currency of the mind. We think we know who we are, and believe our own press releases about how the world is. Yet, there is nothing true about any of the stories you tell yourself. Out of all of it—out of everything that has happened—we choose specific scenes, string them together, and call the result “my life.” These story-selections are nothing other than what you’ve chosen to believe to support your preconceived notions.

Zen living: Know that things are as they are, until they aren’t. Freeing your mind really means freeing yourself from your mind’s grip. Life is as it is, and telling yourself stories about how really bad it all is, does nothing to help you deal with reality. As you let go of the story-telling, you simply make choices, act, and evaluate, then act again. Once your mind is freed to be present with “what is,” the rest just follows.

As you bring yourself, again and again, into presence, you see that mostly there is not much going on, and precious little to do, other than to just be there for your life. The drama falls away, and in its place is time—time to fully engage with life.

Take time to experience

Stepping back from the mind’s chatter can be quite disconcerting. Without all of that distracting noise, what’s left is sensation—the flow of Qi, the life-force. This can be anything from startling or scary to boring or interesting.

As you meditate, you open yourself to the endless flow of sensation. You suddenly hear, and see, and feel, and in this process, you come into the actual experience of yourself. Now, most of the time, your mind will pop in and start judging, labelling, or complaining. “Here’s what you ought to be doing, feeling, thinking!” And away you go [again] from the experience to the mental games.

Zen living: Use your breath to bring yourself back into your body as you feel and hear and see. Experience your feelings completely, and then… wait for it… go with the flow to the next thing.

If you find yourself reluctant to fully immerse yourself into the flow and feel of life, have another breath, and go with that. Soon, your tolerance for being fully alive and fully present will grow. You find yourself immersed in living as opposed to existing solely in your head.

Maintain a single focus

Multitasking is impossible. Watch yourself when you attempt it. What you are actually doing is turning your attention from one thing to another, rapidly. And, because changing your focus takes energy, nothing gets your full attention.

Zen living: Do one thing at a time. Bring your entire focus to what you are doing, and only stop when you reach a predetermined point of completion. Then, fully shift your attention. This is the meaning of the Zen expression, ‘Chop wood, carry water. Distraction is impossible if I am fully engaged with what is in front of me.

Speak only for yourself

Mostly, you use the pronoun “I,” recognising that all I can reliably talk about is what I am thinking, feeling, and doing.

Most people talk at people, and especially when things are wrong. Instead of saying, “You did this, you made me feel …” say “I feel that…” Meditation helps to see that the experience I am having is always and only about me. It’s honest to own what’s up for me.

Zen living: Speak only for yourself, by using “I think…”, “I imagine…”, “The story I’m telling myself…” and the like. Own your experience, and share it, as it’s all you can ever know.

Be grateful

Because of our endless mind-chatter, we view life through the ‘What’s in it for me?’ glasses—taking full credit for what we have, and casting full blame for what we hate. We miss the interconnectedness—how we are all in this together. Drop the ego, drop blaming, and express your gratitude for being a link in the chain of life.

Zen living: Awareness includes noticing that everything and everyone is a part of the same game. I only get to play because of you, and vice versa. For instance, just think of all of the people involved in putting food on your table.

Make no judgements

Our tendency is to judge. Something happens, and we label it as good or bad, right or wrong. We feel righteous in our finger pointing. But without action on our part, nothing changes.

The key is to realise that judgement itself is futile. If I say I believe in equality, for example, the real test is whether I treat everyone equally—and especially in situations that make me uncomfortable.

Zen living: You will label things until you die. But when in situations where you feel tempted to judge, notice and stop your mind for a moment, and then act in keeping with your feelings, interpretations, and intentions.

Most people say, “Isn’t it awful” and do nothing. Instead, say, “It is what it is,” then act to change what’s happening.

Be non-attached

Attachments are silly. They are based on the idea that you can grasp someone or something, and by the act of grasping, keep it the same, or ‘just keep it.’ We live with a belief that if all is going well, then the fantasy shouldn’t end. Guess what? It had already ended, and had to end, because nothing is static—all is in motion—all is change.

Zen living: Let go. Hold everything loosely. As you start to cling, have a breath and let go. It’s like trying to grasp the water of a fast-flowing stream, it’s impossible. And besides, attachments cause us to miss what’s happening right in front of us!

Don’t do it, be it

Zen living and being is not a new skill set to show-off. If you can’t figure out how to make time to meditate, I suggest think of your entire life as meditation. Different focus, different direction. Rather than having something more to do, Zen living becomes life itself.

Zen living: Live your life as an action that encompasses your entire being and essence. This is tricky, but it’s about a full, purposeful commitment to a way of being that includes thought, feeling and action. Take the other points, above, and see them as focusing points—ideas about what such being might look like, as you enact yourself in the here and now.

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