What Did the Buddha Say About Infidelity?

The first of the five hindrances that the Buddha warned us about is lustful desires. In the Dhammapada, a concise collection of his teachings, the Buddha said: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” This is an image that we can all relate to and have probably, at one time or another, experienced for ourselves.

So, if we have been a victim or a perpetrator of sexual infidelity or cheating in a relationship, how can Buddha’s wisdom help us today in the 21^st century to understand, cope, and deal with it? How, according to Buddhism, can we move from ill-will, hatred or anger toward our self or our partner, to healing and forgiveness of everyone involved?

What would be Buddha’s Advice for You if You Are a Victim of Your Partner’s Infidelity?

Whatever we’re feeling about this transgression, chances are we are feeling some level of anger and jealousy. The first step is to find our way out of this murky depth of distraction, so that we can see clearly what there is to do. If we get stuck in blaming, shaming and keeping the focus on someone else’s faults, there is no way out for us.

A 5-step meditation to deal with your emotions towards your cheating partner

1. Begin practising mindfulness by taking the focus off the other person and turning your attention to your self and your feelings.
2. Find a quiet place to sit, with as few external distractions as possible. Then turn your attention to your body, your breath and your inner landscape. Take note of what keeps coming up:
   “I hate him/her for doing this to me.”
   “I’m a fool for believing in him/her.”
   “I can’t believe he/she cheated on me with that person.”
3. How does your body feel? Where is the tension? Can you breathe into those places one by one and, every time you exhale, breathe out some relief?
4. Then start to remove the pronouns, the names and the specifics about this betrayal from your thoughts. How does it feel to admit hate or foolishness or worry?
5. Then sit with just the feelings that are coming up; part the feelings from the individuals attached to them. Most likely there’s some anger in there. How about fear? Are these feelings new to you or have you felt them before? Can you try to accept that you are feeling these things and make an effort to not act on them? Can you accept that these feelings are inside you and the actions of your partner simply triggered them? Can you believe that you have the power to ignite these feelings or not?

Mindfully Meditating on Your Partner’s Adultery

Can you feel anger without being angry? Sit with this idea for a few moments, without feeding your emotions with a story. Notice what happens to the emotion if you just allow it to exist. You can practise this during the course of any day: first take note of your reaction to minor incidents, a pedestrian or co-worker being rude, traffic stalling when you’re in a hurry, a slow moving line or late train. What is the feeling that arises? Impatience, anger, fear, worry, frustration? What do you say? How do you act? Then after some time passes, notice how you feel: helpless, out of sorts, tense, ashamed?

Let’s go back to the initial feeling that got triggered when your needs were not met. If you can acknowledge that you had an expectation followed by disappointment followed by your particular set of feelings, then the real work of healing and self-empowerment can begin. Name the feeling, feel the feeling and don’t give in to your habitual way of coping. Don’t say or do anything, just sit with the feeling; breathe, notice and stay put. If you can begin to master these minor uncomfortable interactions, when it comes to the big ones like infidelity you’ll be ready. It doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt like crazy, but you will be able to deal with whatever life brings you, with equanimity and understanding.

Related » 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

What if You Are the One Who Has Committed Adultery?

As humans, we have a deep need to connect with others, to be intimate, to love and be loved. So when we meet the person with whom we want to spend our lives and we make a vow to be true to that person, we often tend to think “This is it! The end, we’re committed, it’s done!” And that is when the relationship can begin to break down. Think of this vow, this commitment to each other as a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive.

Too often we become lazy in relationships, both with ourselves and with others, so that one day we wake up and don’t even know the person sleeping next to us or the person we’ve changed into. We think: “It’s his/her fault for making me stray from our marriage. If he/she paid more attention to me, spent more time doing what I want, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m the one who initiates everything and I’m tired of it.”

Other-awareness often comes before self-awareness, which can help us to justify our bad behavior: adultery, cheating or any other misconduct that hurts our relationship.

Dealing with your emotions after committing adultery

So, first and foremost, it is important to pay attention to every moment, day, word, exchange and action we take with our loved one. We must first become aware of our reactions to our partner and then learn to communicate, in a loving and respectful way, what it is we feel and what it is we need.

If you’re reading this and you have already moved into unfaithful behavior, it is not too late to save your relationship. You owe it to yourself and your partner to explore what happened and what can be done.

But before you approach your partner, you will need to come clean with yourself about your actions, your infidelity. Investigate your history of relationships. Not just the one you’re in, but the ones that came before.

Introspecting your own patterns of infidelity

Can you see a pattern? How open and honest were you? If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone. This is a rigorous spiritual work, but it can lead to a satisfying, long-lasting, love partnership. Were you able to ask for what you needed and wanted from your partners? Or did you expect them to know? How did you give and receive love from others? Be careful as you go through this self-exploration, not to shame and blame. And find a trusted friend, advisor or therapist to work with. You do not have to go through it alone.

If your relationship history includes a pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next to find the perfect person, you are not alone. Many of us do it. But that hole in you that you are trying to fill can never be filled by anyone else. That is not the solution to your loneliness and desire to be loved. Deep inside you know this to be true.

Adultery Can Affect Those Outside the Relationship Too

It is no coincidence that the third precept in Buddhism, after “do not kill” and “do not steal”, is do not engage in sexual misconduct—do not misuse sex and give in to lust. It causes so much harm, so much suffering. Even spiritual communities and Zen Masters are not immune from this. My own sangha was blown apart as a result of the sexual transgressions of our teacher. His actions harmed every member in our community—not only the students that he took advantage of, but also the ones who defended him. But just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.

Also read » Extramarital Affairs: Why Do We Stray?

Dealing With Adultery According to the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism

The first noble truth of Buddhism tells us that we all suffer. Some suffering, like birth, death and illness cannot be avoided. The second noble truth tells us that our craving to have things different than they actually are creates much of our suffering. The Buddha’s third noble truth tells us that if we see things as they are and let go of craving and clinging, we can reduce our suffering. And the fourth noble truth offers us a path to liberation from craving, toward a compassionate life, free from suffering.

Of course, following these noble truths prescribed by the Buddha does not mean that you or your partner will never commit adultery. What it does mean is that you have the power to care for yourself and to become aware of your reactions to whatever life brings you, and not act out on your own impulses.

If you become honest with yourself and become willing to open up a dialogue with your partner about how to proceed, then—and only then—is there the possibility of healing. If you can be honest with yourself, then you have a better chance of being honest with your partner, even if you are the one misusing sex.

If we want to have a truly intimate connection with our partner, we must first have such a connection with ourselves and understand that sex is not love, nor is it the only path to intimacy. Healing from any sexual transgression or cheating that we experience requires some detachment, a great deal of self-love and moment-by-moment attention to what it is to be truly human. And then compassion and forgiveness of ourselves and others will follow in time.

Key Takeaways: Buddhist Teachings on Adultery

The Buddhist path offers practical tools for healing that honor both the reality of suffering and the possibility of transformation.

Core Buddhist Understanding

Sexual misconduct creates universal suffering. As the Buddha stated: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” Infidelity is the third fundamental precept in Buddhism because it harms not just partners, but entire communities.

For Those Who Have Been Betrayed

Turn your attention inward, not outward. Practice the 5-step meditation: focus on yourself, find quiet space, breathe into tension, remove names from thoughts, and sit with feelings separate from people.

Learn to feel anger without being angry. Your partner’s actions triggered feelings already inside you – recognizing this gives you power over your responses.

For Those Who Have Been Unfaithful

Honest self-examination comes first. “If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone.” Investigate your relationship patterns before approaching your partner.

Relationships require continuous attention. Commitment is “a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive.”

The Four Noble Truths Applied

1. Suffering exists – Betrayal causes inevitable pain
2. Craving creates suffering – Wanting things different adds to pain
3. Suffering can end – Letting go of clinging reduces suffering
4. There is a path – Mindful awareness enables healing

Essential Healing Principles

Three key elements: Detachment (space from emotions), self-love (compassion during healing), and moment-by-moment attention (staying present).

Recovery is possible for everyone. “Just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.”

Core Insights

• Sex is not love – True intimacy requires first connecting with yourself
• Forgiveness follows naturally – Don’t force it; practice detachment and self-love first
• Healing needs mutual commitment – Both partners must do the inner work
• It’s not too late – Even after infidelity, relationships can be saved
• Practice with small challenges first – Build mindfulness skills with minor irritations before tackling major betrayals

Last updated on 7^th July 2025

The post Buddha on Infidelity and How to Recover from It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are many reasons a partner strays. If you are not dealing with a sexual addiction of some sort, the most typical reason for infidelity is that the person straying feels that his or her needs are not being met within the relationship. There are a few indicators of this. In my book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, I talk about the never-ending fights in which couples are unable to ever find resolution and therefore argue endlessly about a certain matter. The flip side of this is when one partner stops fighting. It might seem like a good thing, but in reality the person has simply given up, knowing that no matter how hard they fight, they will never be heard. They have reached a point of resignation. So, people don’t go looking for an affair. Most often, it happens when there’s already some long-standing unhappiness brewing in the marriage. But, the betrayed person doesn’t realise the extent of discontent their partner might be experiencing.

It’s your call

Infidelity is a wake-up call for your marriage and, once it is discovered, can lead a couple in one of two directions.

The first is when the anger and resentment are so great that the person who was cheated sees no other choice but to walk away and end the marriage.

But it is also possible that both partners commit to rebuilding the broken trust and continuing as a couple. I have worked with many such couples over the years who have decided to give themselves a second chance. Most of them agree that their commitment to each other, their level of intimacy, and their relationship in general is far better now than it was before. But to get to that point, they had to be willing to do the heavy lifting.

Most often, an affair happens when there’s already some long-standing unhappiness brewing in the marriage

If you are the betrayer

Initially the person who has strayed feels terrible and wants to make amends. There is also an element of self-righteousness that can creep in when that person might feel they were pushed into infidelity. They might say things like, “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done whatever.” But if you intend to rebuild your marriage, such retorts have no place. The betrayer cannot insist on having his or her own needs being met until the foundation is under their feet again—and that takes time.

With this in mind, the following three steps can help you recover and carry on together.

The first step is the apology. You must take ownership and responsibility for what you did. There has to be a real acknowledgment of the enormity of what took place.

The second step is a move toward empathy. Remember the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz and the importance of his constantly being oiled? When you empathise with your partner, you let them know that you understand the way they feel and the pain you’ve caused them. You must be able to say over and over again, as often as is necessary, that you know how much anguish you have brought to your beloved. You cannot afford to slough it off. Indeed, you must address your partner’s feelings of hurt and resentment each time they it bring it up, otherwise they are at risk of getting stuck in their anger and despair. Your ability to empathise with your partner while they talk openly about what they’ve been through will enable them to move beyond the pain.

And the third step is frequent doses of reassurance. You must promise them, time and again, that this will not happen again because you are committed to rebuilding the trust. A major ingredient for making this work is that you don’t harbour any more secrets. Complete accountability and full disclosure is the way to go. You must answer all questions, as hard as that might be, keeping in mind that your spouse’s imagination will likely be worse than the reality of what actually happened. This is no longer the time for ‘doing your own thing’ and keeping things private. If your spouse wants to see your e-mail, your laptop, your phone—that is all fair game now. The time for personal space that created so much distance has passed. It is a time to close the gap between you.

Only when you have established each person’s willingness and ability to trust again can you begin to talk about what was missing in the marriage before the infidelity episode. In my experience, your partner will be more willing to listen and be open to your needs because they don’t want to take a chance on losing you again.

I encourage couples to seek counselling to help them through this. Once you are through the hardest part [which can take up to a year], and have talked it all out, your marriage will hopefully be in a better place than where it was before the affair.

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