Rakesh Sinha: In 1986, I was performing a C-Section on a woman who had some previous surgery. She had scar tissue and that is why we had to do a C-Section. The thing about C-Sections is that once the anaesthesia is given, in approximately 7.5 minutes, you must deliver the baby. We take a little time to clean up the patient, paint and drape, put in catheters. From the time I put in the incision in the abdomen, I have about 2.5 minutes to deliver the baby. If I take longer, there is a possibility that the baby will aspirate some fluid into the lungs and the baby can actually drown inside.

I started this surgery, cut open the abdomen, the skin, the subcutaneous fat and I realised that there was no space. The anesthesiologist was there and so was the paediatrician; to take the baby. It was 60 seconds, and I was nowhere close to delivering the baby.

I thought of everything that I had read about C-sections: I was a Post Graduate teacher, so I was recollecting what I would tell students if I was to teach them how to handle such situations. And I was nowhere close to opening the uterus and delivering the baby.

The anaesthetist said, ‘Dr Sinha, 90 seconds up’. And I started getting worried; I just did not know how to go ahead. I kept asking for the mop and the haemostasis and the diathermy, and time went on. 120 seconds up. And I could actually feel beads of sweat flowing down my forehead. I started imagining the worst things that could happen to the baby: I started imagining, what do I tell the husband of this women who was sitting out, ready to become a father? What do I tell this woman when she comes out of anaesthesia, hey, why did I lose the baby [if I had lost the baby]? And about 130 seconds later, I split open the uterus and delivered the baby.

The baby was not breathing. I handed over the baby to the paediatrician, and until the paediatrician resuscitated the baby, I just couldn’t continue with the surgery. And it was only after a few seconds that I could hear a few gasps of the baby. And then the paediatrician said, the baby is fine, Dr Sinha, continue with the surgery. And then the baby cried. And Jack, I tell you, I nearly cried, hearing the baby cry.

So my question here is, do I blame the surgeon who had done the previous surgery and say, hey, it’s not my fault, you didn’t do the earlier surgery well and so I am in this state.; Or do I say, okay I am tired today, so I’ll get up tomorrow morning and start again. Or do I google “how do I delivery a baby in this condition”?

I learnt a few lessons during this episode: the first one was, we must become unstoppable: whatever we take up, we should just not stop. The second one was, failure is not an option: how could I start a surgery like this, and expect to fail.

And the third lesson was: it isn’t over until I WIN. There’s no stopping over.

I think the important thing is what are the thoughts that you think of in these situations? What are the images you build up in your mind? And, what action do you take?

Jack Canfield: You are writing a book on the Anatomy of Success, and you are deconstructing success by taking it down to its basic elements just like you would when you’re working on a cadaver to learn how the body is. So what have you found: what are these elements and how is that whole process for you?

Rakesh Sinha: You know, when we start dissecting in the anatomy hall, we cut open the cadavers, we actually go into the skeletal system i.e. the bones, the muscles and the ligaments. So that’s Anatomy.

When we look at the components of success, essentially there are three components: first is, Biology; the second is the Learned component; the third is the Cognitive component. And finally there is neurophysiology, the neurotransmitters, which are there all over the brain.

Biology means the genetic makeup, anatomical centres [like the various centres for decision-making etc.]

Then we have the learned component, and Benjamin Barber said it beautifully, “There are two kinds of people: it’s not the rich’ and the poor, it’s not the educated and the uneducated, it’s not the people living in urban areas and the villages. There are only two kinds of people: learners and non-learners. And it’s been found that the successful people are the learners.”

The third component is the cognitive component, also called volition. It’s your thinking, it’s your inner urge. It is this component that helps us all to succeed. So you may not be very genetically privileged, you may not have had a brilliant upbringing. But if you have this inner urge to succeed, then this component gets anyone to succeed. So these are the three components of deconstructing the word success.

Jack Canfield: A lot of people would say, okay, wait a second, Rakesh, What about luck? What about being at the right place at the right time? What about negative factors that influence you from outside and that’s what determines your success? What’s your position about luck?

Rakesh Sinha: When preparation meets opportunity, that’s when others call it luck. In the 1972 Olympics, Mark Spitz won seven Gold medals. And that was the first time someone got seven individual gold medals. He was asked by a journalist; when he came out of the water with his 7th win, “Hey Mark this must be your lucky day’. And Mark apparently turned around, smiled and said, luck was not designed for such achievements — you can’t get a Gold medal in the Olympics by being lucky.

Luck is when you go to Vegas and you’re sitting at a casino, you pull that slot machine, and you get a lot of coins: that’s luck. I can’t become an excellent surgeon by being lucky.

So all of us have the same resource: we have 1,440 minutes in a day, 525,600 minutes in a year: that’s it! Whether you’re rich or poor, whether you’re educated or uneducated, that’s the resource all of us have. How we utilise that, actually decides how successful we are to become rather of saying, I was lucky.

We should be willing to pay the price in full. I think you’ve discussed this several times: if you want to achieve success, find out what is it going to cost you in terms of your effort, courage and determination [not money]. Pay the price in full and pay upfront i.e. in advance, if you want to achieve success in life.

Jack Canfield: I know that you’ve learned lessons from your patients that you’ve written about in your book. What are some of those lessons?

Rakesh Sinha: When my patient signs the Informed Consent for surgery, she actually entrusts her life to me. She writes down, I’m willing to undergo this surgery; whatever decision Dr Sinha takes is fine with me; whatever anaesthesia is given, whatever are the consequences of this surgery. That means she trusts me so much. The lesson that I learned was that I can’t betray that trust. Under any circumstances, I must live up to that trust. So can we extrapolate this to other professions and businesses?

When your customer comes to you, they trust you with your product or service. So you should never betray that trust. Trust was one of the most important factors I had learnt.

The second was Competence. When a woman comes into my clinic to do surgery, she hopes that I am competent enough to do the surgery. She has done her homework, but she does not know what kind of training I’ve had. I need to develop competence to take care of her pathology under all circumstances.

I decided to Challenge Mediocrity: I decided I never wanted to be an average surgeon, I decided I wanted to do whatever it takes to become a brilliant surgeon. So let me ask you a question: would you like to take your wife to an average surgeon for surgery or would you like to go to an excellent surgeon? Challenge mediocrity in whatever profession anyone is in.

The third lesson was, Completion. And I realised that my patients want my help from the time they first walk into my clinic till the time their surgeries are complete and the post-operative recovery takes place, the histopathology reports are seen, and they want me to complete that entire loop and say, hey you are absolutely fine. Please go back home. I would hate to leave that patient in-between and say, now you’ll be managed by somebody else. Patients dislike that.

Jack Canfield: Is there anything else you would like to share before we bring this to a close?

Rakesh Sinha: To summarise, the world is divided into learners and non-learners. Hope is not a good success strategy. As a surgeon I realised that if there is an artery that is bleeding, I can’t stand there and say, “I hope this artery stops bleeding.” I better stitch that up or use a diathermy and seal that bleeding [as opposed to saying, “I HOPE that turns out good.”] So, as I mentioned earlier, God does not play dice with human beings. All of us have the ability, we have the Biological component that helps us, Learned component we have to put in a little effort, and finally the Cognitive component which actually gets us to think, to achieve whatever we want to achieve.

The post Deconstructing success appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Here’s a simple story to illustrate:

“Sonia and Raj were introduced to each other for the first time by a mutual friend. Raj was a very quiet guy, while Sonia was an extrovert who loved to talk. At first both of them did not talk too openly. This was because they were not ready to trust the other. As their mutual friend orchestrated the conversation, Raj and Sonia found out that they both love to travel. An emotional connection was established due to the common love for travel. They started speaking about the subject and, through the conversation, they built familiarity and trust. By the end of the meeting, they exchanged phone numbers on the pretext of keeping each other updated about their adventures.”

This is a classic example of simple trust being built between two people.

Trust is like a burning candle on a windy night. When guarded, it can produce warmth & illuminate the path. If not treated tenderly, it could leave one in the dark.

Genuine trust is an act of faith. Trusting means we are confident that the one we trust can do no wrong, because we’re sure of their intentions and integrity. Trust is essential for every healthy and happy relationship.

But building trust in a relationship is not easy. It takes effort. It is like tending to a plant—one has to be patient.

Trust is created when both the partners are ready to risk their vulnerability. This is the risk of being hurt by the other, which is taken willingly. There are no shortcuts to building trust. It takes an investment of time and emotion to create a beautiful bond.

Trust creates an expectation that our significant other will act/react in a certain way to situations. When this expectation is not met, it leads to broken trust. Trust once broken is hard, if not impossible to mend. If both the partners are willing and desire to rebuild broken trust, then trust building exercises can help them achieve it.

Let’s look at a few trust building exercises for couples. If you’re short on time and need to skim through, skip to the infographic at the end of the article — it has all the information condensed into one image.

6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

Emotional transparency

Understanding a partner’s feelings and emotions is essential for building trust. In the same way, making one’s feelings known to one’s partner plays a vital role to strengthen the bond. Being truthful about oneself helps both partners understand each other better. The prospect of being open and vulnerable always may be daunting. But it helps couples become more accepting of each other’s flaws and vulnerabilities, thus strengthening the bond.

Exercise

Sit down with each other. Create an ambience of comfort and openness. Laugh a bit. Start recounting the whole day and events of the day. Communicate all the feelings experienced throughout the day. Encourage your partner to do the same. Most importantly, stay open and non judgemental.

Eye Contact

Try to count the number of people you make constant eye contact with during a day. You could count them on one hand, right? A sign of deep trust and comfort with a person is the ability to make eye contact. If you observe young children, one can clearly see how they make a judgement of a person just by looking at the eyes.

The eyes help one see into the depths of a person. That said, when one can make constant eye contact with a partner, it shows deep trust between the couple.

Exercise

Every time you communicate with your partner, make sure to maintain a soft eye contact. Do not stare, keep it simple. If it feels uncomfortable, do not force yourself. Remember, trust builds over time.

Group Activities

An individual’s behaviour within a group is different as compared to a one-to-one interaction. This also applies to couples. When in groups, couples behave differently than how they act in private. It becomes essential that the couples can predict how their partners will act when in public. The below example will illustrate,

“Pooja and Raj, who have been together for a few months, decide to have a dinner date with their friends Rahul and Reena who have been married for a year. Post dinner, Pooja decides to feed a spoon of ice-cream to Raj from her own bowl. Raj, on the other hand, feels rather uncomfortable being fed by his wife and declines. Pooja’s face turns red as she decides to have the ice cream herself.”

A moment of discomfort was created as Pooja and Raj were unsure of each other’s behaviour. This shows a lack of trust and understanding between the couple.

Exercise

Participate in people events which both you and your partner enjoy. Events like food tasting, wine tasting, dance classes, parties etc. can be a good opportunity to develop trust. Make sure to be accommodating of your partner’s behaviour so that they are accommodating of yours. Learn to adjust and adapt.

Respect Space and Boundaries

The people in our life, whether spouse or parents or friends, are co-passengers on a journey. We consciously choose to travel with each other to make our journey more joyful. But we must remember, it’s “our” journey. As a couple, you may spend a lot of the journey together, but you also spend a part of the journey away from each other. Respecting this space is essential to build trust. Let your partner enjoy their time on their own. Maybe they like to watch a TV show alone, or watch a game of football with their office peers. Have boundaries and respect them. This helps to make the relationship sweeter and strengthen trust.

Exercise

This is perhaps the most important of all trust building exercises for couples. Encourage your partner to take up activities that they love. These needn’t be group activities. Many a times, we stop enjoying our hobbies after marriage or engaging in a relationship. Encourage your partner to take up any such activities which they previously enjoyed. At the same time, reflect to see how you have changed. Make it a point to have some alone time to rejuvenate your mind and body.

Be Truthful

The most important aspect of a successful relationship is a truthfulness. This is perhaps the most commonly spoken about trait but is also the hardest to live by. You and your partner may not always be ready to accept each other’s truths or ideas but the most successful relationships are based solely on truth and acceptance. Embracing truth will no doubt lead to temporary ups and downs but it makes and keeps a relationship strong.

Exercise

Every night, sit down with your partner and practice confessions. These need not always be negative or pertaining to apologies. It could even be a positive confession like ‘how you helped a poor boy today’ or ‘how you felt embarrassed when something happened’. Remember, no lie is innocent.

Practise Patience

Probably the most overlooked aspect of building trust between people is patience. Trust grows with time. It’s like a plant which needs to be tended to regularly, so that one day it blooms. It doesn’t happen overnight in any circumstance. There isn’t a prescribed duration to which one can set a timer. It is different for every person.

Exercise

Patience is not only a virtue for a successful relationship, but also for a successful life. You can practice patience by actually planting a seed in your garden and then nurture and co-grow it with your partner. Plant a seed of each of your favourite flowers and tend to them. You will see that as the plant blooms, so does the relationship.

Make sure to share this article with your loved one, because it takes two to tango! Together, both of you treat these six exercises like games that you will play with each other to help you lay a strong foundation of trust in your relationship.

The post 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples [The definitive guide] appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Should a Real Friendship Feel Like?

When I think of what defines a great friendship, I recall what George Eliot said: “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

When a friendship feels that way, it seems that we can do and be anything we want to be with the support of our friend. But what happens when a friendship starts to create stress within you?

The Hidden Cost of Fake Friendships

Are you, like I was for a long time, under the notion that friendship is forever and no matter what a friend might say or do to you, you’ve got no choice but to grin and bear it? Holding on to friendships that sap the life out of you—because you think you have to or because you don’t want to be the one who breaks off—is unhealthy.

Research shows that toxic friendships can impact your mental health as much as romantic relationships gone wrong. When a friend isn’t really being a friend and is only pretending to like you, perhaps you need to take a step back and think if it’s over.

How Do You Know When a Friendship Has Run Its Course?

When it was time to let go of any friendship, I always resisted the move. I would rationalize the behavior of my friend or tell myself that I’m being oversensitive. But eventually I had to do it. I have learned now to trust my instincts about this and you will too, if you allow yourself to listen to your feelings.

The key question to ask yourself: Does this friendship leave you feeling energized or drained? Does it add value to your life or constantly take from it?

7 Clear Signs Your Friend is Only Pretending to Like You

1. You Feel Like You’re Not Being Heard (The One-Sided Conversation Test)

Recently I was at lunch with a friend and we spent hours together. When I got back home, I realized that all the while, she had done all the talking and I only listened. Except for a casual enquiry about my wellbeing, she was not interested in my life at all. I thought about our previous meetings, and I was saddened to realize that they had all been the same.

Red flag: Your friend consistently dominates conversations, shows no genuine curiosity about your life, or changes the subject when you try to share something important.

There are other ways in which friends don’t listen to us. For example, when you are in the process of making an important decision and are looking for some guidance, instead of listening to what you feel, your friend may overload you with advice based on his biases.

What genuine friends do differently: They ask follow-up questions, remember details from previous conversations, and create space for your thoughts and feelings.

2. They Make You Feel Guilty for Having Boundaries

Some people have a knack of treating others badly and when you call them out, they will turn the tables on you and make you feel guilty for pointing it out.

My friend Priya recently shared with me why she called it quits with her friend of many years, Karishma. Priya, a working single mom, was finding it difficult to attend all the social events that she would, in the past, never miss. Her mounting personal responsibilities did not leave her with any time for socializing. Sadly, Karishma could not understand this and kept pressuring her to come, sometimes even using emotional blackmail.

Warning signs of guilt-tripping:

• “If you were a real friend, you would…”
• Making you feel selfish for prioritizing your needs
• Using phrases like “You’ve changed” when you set boundaries
• Bringing up past favors to manipulate current situations

If you have a friend who behaves the same way, then know that this is just a tactic some people use to get what they want. Real friends respect your boundaries and support your life choices.

3. You Feel Used (The Transactional Friendship Problem)

A woman I know had a friend who borrowed a large sum of money from her, promising to return it. But when this woman asked for the money when she needed it, her friend made her feel horrible about asking for it back. She had no intentions of returning the money in the first place and this had been her plan right from the day she asked for the money.

Signs you’re being used:

• They only contact you when they need something
• They’re always “too busy” when you need help
• They borrow things and conveniently “forget” to return them
• They expect you to always be available but are rarely available for you

When I realized that a friend of many years showed a pattern of making friends with people who she found useful to her, it was a wake-up call. The faster we get out of these relationships, the better it is for our self-esteem.

4. Your Gut Tells You Something’s Off (Trust Issues)

Trust is a huge factor in any relationship. If you feel a lack of trust in your friendship then you must examine the reasons, check if your feelings are valid and then take a call about whether you want to continue or not.

Trust is not always broken with big betrayals. Sometimes it is the little things that erode trust. I recall when a friend of mine had started sharing with me intimate details that another friend had confided in her. I had not asked for any of this information to be shared with me; in fact, it was even making me uncomfortable.

Beware of these trust breakers:

• Gossiping about other friends to you (and likely about you to others)
• Breaking small promises consistently
• Sharing your personal information without permission
• Being unreliable with plans and commitments.

Remember, if you can’t share details of your life with this person, then that pretty much means the death of your relationship.

5. They Put You Down (Emotional Invalidation)

It is just not okay when a friend is constantly being sarcastic, making snide remarks about you, your appearance or your choices, or being verbally abusive. It’s important that you move away from such a person for your own emotional health.

Subtle put-downs include:

• Disguising criticism as “just being honest”
• Making jokes at your expense in front of others
• Minimizing your achievements or struggles
• Using sarcasm as a weapon rather than humor.

6. They’re Only Available When It’s Convenient for Them

One pattern I’ve noticed in fake friendships is the “convenience factor.” These friends will enthusiastically make plans when they’re bored or need company, but suddenly become unavailable when you need them.

Signs of convenience-based friendship:

• They cancel plans last minute without rescheduling
• They only want to hang out on their terms
• They’re “too busy” during your difficult times
• They resurface after long periods of silence when they need something

7. They Show Signs of Jealousy Rather Than Celebration

Another red flag: Instead of celebrating your successes, fake friends might downplay your achievements, compete with you unnecessarily, or find ways to make your good news about them.

Your friend is jealous of you if they are always:

• Changing the subject when you share good news
• One-upping your accomplishments
• Making backhanded compliments
• Being absent during your important moments

How to Handle a Fake Friend: Your Action Plan

Step 1: Use the Paper Test

When you’re not sure what to do, you could use a method suggested by Dr. Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends, True Friends:

“Draw a line down the middle of a page. On one side, list the good things that you get out of the friendship; on the other, the bad. If the bad outnumber the good, and you’re not getting something substantive enough from the relationship, it’s time to act.”

Step 2: Decide Your Exit Strategy

Once you’ve made your decision about moving on, you can either choose to:

1. Have a direct conversation – Best for long-term friendships where you want closure
2. Gradually distance yourself – Effective when direct communication might cause more drama
3. Set clear boundaries – If you must maintain contact (work, family connections)

Here’s a personal recommendation – I’ve found that in some friendships, it’s best to move away quietly, by distancing ourselves and slowly reducing all contact, because any direct communication about the friendship would result in more ill feeling.

Related » Signs of Toxic Friendship (and How To Withdraw Gracefully)

Frequently Asked Questions About Fake Friends

How do you know if someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore?

Look for consistent patterns: lack of reciprocity in communication, avoidance behaviors, consistently canceling plans without alternatives, and general disinterest in your life. The key is consistency over time, not isolated incidents.

What’s the difference between a friend going through a tough time and a fake friend?

Genuine friends going through difficulties: Still show care and concern for you, apologize when they’re not available, and make effort to maintain the relationship when they can.

Fake friends: Show self-centered behavior consistently, make excuses without taking responsibility, and only reach out when they need something.

Should you confront a fake friend?

This depends on the situation.

Confrontation works best when:

• You have a long history together
• They might be unaware of their behavior
• You genuinely want to save the friendship

Avoid confrontation when:

• They have a pattern of turning situations around on you
• Previous attempts at communication have failed
• You’ve already made the decision to end the friendship

The Psychology Behind Fake Friendships

Understanding why people engage in fake friendships can help you spot them earlier:

Common motivations for fake friends:

• Social status and connections
• Access to resources or opportunities
• Avoiding loneliness without emotional investment
• Keeping up appearances
• Using you as a “backup” friend

Protecting Yourself: Building Better Friendships

Green Flags of Genuine Friends:

• They celebrate your successes without jealousy
• They’re present during difficult times
• They respect your boundaries
• They apologize when they make mistakes
• They invest in the relationship consistently
• They make you feel comfortable being yourself

Red Flags to Watch For Early:

• Excessive focus on what you can do for them
• Discomfort with your other friendships
• Inconsistent behavior depending on who’s around
• Reluctance to share personal information while expecting yours
• Making you feel like you’re “lucky” to be their friend

The Healing Process: Moving Forward

Breaking off from a friendship, especially if you’ve known each other for a long time, is always difficult. It takes honesty, courage and determination to do this. Feelings of sadness, anger and regret might stay for a long time.

Yet, when you do let go of an unhealthy friendship, as hard as it might be, you create room in your life for more healthy and loving friendships.

Steps for emotional healing:

1. Acknowledge your feelings – It’s normal to grieve the loss of a friendship
2. Don’t blame yourself – Recognizing a fake friend is a skill, not a failure
3. Learn from the experience – What warning signs will you watch for next time?
4. Focus on your genuine relationships – Invest more time in friends who truly care
5. Stay open to new connections – Don’t let one bad experience close you off to new friendships

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to fake friends or struggling to identify genuine relationships, consider talking to a therapist. Professional support can be especially helpful if:

• You have a pattern of choosing fake friends
• You struggle with setting boundaries
• The experience has significantly impacted your self-esteem
• You’re afraid to trust new people

Related » Friends [always] in need?

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Real Friendship

Everyone deserves friends who genuinely care about them, support their growth, and add joy their life. Don’t settle for fake friendships out of fear of being alone.

As I’ve learned through my own experiences, it’s better to have a few genuine friends than many fake ones. Trust your instincts, value yourself enough to walk away from relationships that drain you, and stay open to the beautiful, authentic friendships that are waiting for you.

Remember what a wonderful reader once told me: “A true friend will never hurt your feelings intentionally.” Hold onto that truth as you navigate your relationships, and don’t be afraid to expect the genuine love and respect you deserve.

Have you experienced a fake friendship? Do you have a friend who only pretends to like you but does things that a friend would never do? What signs helped you recognize the situation? Share your story in the comments below – your experience might help someone else recognize their own fake friend situation.

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the March 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 28^th June 2025

The post 7 Clear Signs Your Friend is Just Pretending to Like You (And How to Handle It) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Surrender means you stop fighting and start floating

You swim in water—you go to the river and swim. What do you do? You trust the water. A good swimmer trusts so much that he almost becomes one with the river. He is not fighting, he does not grab the water, he is not stiff and tense. If you are stiff and tense you will drown; if you are relaxed the river takes care. That’s why whenever somebody dies, the dead body floats on the water.

This is a miracle. Amazing! The alive person died and was drowned by the river, and the dead person simply floats on the surface. What has happened? The dead person knows some secret about the river which the alive person did not know. The alive person was fighting. The river was the enemy. He was afraid, he could not trust. But the dead person, not being there, how could he fight? The dead person is totally relaxed with no tension—so the body floats. The river takes care. No river can drown a dead person.

Trust means you are not fighting; surrender means you don’t think of life as the enemy but as the friend. Once you trust the river, suddenly you start enjoying. Tremendous delight arises: splashing, swimming, or just floating, or diving deep. But you are not separate from the river, you merge, you become one.

Surrender means to live the same way in life as a good swimmer swims in the river. Life is a river. Either you can fight or you can float; either you can push the river and try to go against the current or you can float with the river and go wherever the river leads you.

Surrender doesn’t need belief in God

Surrender is not towards somebody; it is simply a way of life. A God is not needed to surrender to. There are religions which believe in God and there are religions which don’t, but all religions believe in surrender. So surrender is the real God. Even the concept of God can be discarded. Buddhism does not believe in any God, Jainism does not believe in any God—but they are religions. Christianity believes in God, Islam believes in God, Sikhism believes in God—they are also religions. The Christian teaches surrender to God; God is just an excuse to surrender. It helps, because it will be difficult for you to surrender without any object. The object is just an excuse so that in the name of God you can surrender. Buddhism says simply surrender—there is no God. You relax. It is not a question of some object, it is a question of your own subjectivity. Relax, don’t fight. Accept.

The belief in God is not needed. In fact, the word ‘belief’ is ugly. It does not show trust, it does not show faith—belief is almost the very opposite of faith. The word ‘belief’ comes from a root ‘lief’, which means to desire, to wish. Now let me explain it to you. You say, “I believe that God is compassionate.” What exactly are you saying? You are saying, “I wish there was a God who is compassionate.” Whenever you say, “I believe,” you say, “I intensely desire.” But you don’t know.

Know, don’t believe

If you know, there is no question of belief. Do you believe in the trees here? Do you believe in the sun which arises every morning? Do you believe in the stars? There is no question of belief. You know that the sun is there, that the trees are there. Nobody believes in the sun—if he did, you would say he is mad. If somebody came and said, “I believe in the sun,” and tried to convert you, you would say, “You have gone mad!”

Once you know, what is the point of belief? Belief is in ignorance. If you know, you know. And it is good that if you don’t know, know that you don’t know—the belief can deceive you. The belief can create an atmosphere in your mind, where, without knowing, you start thinking that you know. Belief is not trust, and the more strongly you say that you believe totally, the more you are afraid of the doubt within you.

Trust knows no doubt. Belief is just repressing doubt; it is a desire. When you say, “I believe in God,” you say, “I cannot live without God. It will be too difficult to exist in this darkness, surrounded by death, without a concept of God.” That concept helps. One doesn’t feel alone; one doesn’t feel unprotected, insecure—hence belief.

Trust is simple. It is just like a child trusts in his mother. It is not that he believes—belief has not yet entered. You were a small child once. Did you believe in your mother or did you trust her? The doubt has not arisen, so what is the question of belief? Belief comes only when the doubt has entered; doubt comes first. Later on, to suppress the doubt, you catch hold of a belief. Trust is when doubt disappears; trust is when doubt is not there.

For instance, you breathe. You take a breath in; then you exhale, you breathe out. Are you afraid of breathing out, because who knows, it may not come back? No! You trust. You trust it will come. Of course there is no reason to trust, what is the reason? Why should it come back? You can at the most say that in the past it has been happening so—but that is not a guarantee. It may not happen in the future. If you become afraid of breathing out because it may not come back, then you will hold your breath in. That’s what belief is—clinging, holding. But if you hold your breath in, your face will go purple and you will feel suffocated. And if you go on doing that, you will die.

Surrender is a matter of heart

All beliefs suffocate. They deaden your being. If you exhale, you trust in life. The Buddhist word ‘nirvana’ simply means exhaling, breathing out—trusting. Trust is a very, very innocent phenomenon. Belief is of the head; trust is of the heart. One simply trusts life because you are out of life, you live in life, and you will go back again to the source. There is no fear. You are born, you live, you will die; there is no fear. You will be born again, you will live again, you will die again. The same life that has given you life can always give you more life, so why be afraid? Why cling to beliefs? Beliefs are philosophical; trust has nothing to do with philosophy. Trust simply shows that you know what love is. It is not a concept of God who is sitting somewhere in heaven and manipulating and managing. Trust needs no God, the infinite life, this totality, is more than enough. Once you trust, you relax. That relaxation is surrender.

Courtesy: Osho International Foundation • osho.com

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Medicine isn’t an exact science. Doctors can have different opinions. Some symptoms may be difficult to diagnose, and some diseases may not be easily treatable. And here we come to the crux of the problem. ‘Buyers beware’ means you start from a position of distrust. In an opinion-driven industry, this is the dichotomy we need to overcome every time we interact with the medical establishment. So let’s look at some ways of meeting this challenge.

Build trust through checking credentials

If you go into a consultation without being prepared to trust your physician, it will be a frustrating and fruitless meeting. One way to counter this is to look for trustworthy references for information on your doctor. So you could go for an annual check-up with an internationally or nationally certified hospital, where you are reasonably assured of the quality of medical care. You can check the educational qualifications of your doctors. Most hospitals have this information on their websites, while clinics will display medical certificates. Similarly, you can also check the certification status of diagnostic centres and hospitals. Health insurance providers may display a set of recommended institutions. These are all verifiable sources, which can assure a standard quality of care.

Trust in your doctor, or the lack of it, can have a profound impact on your wellbeing

Then there are informal sources. Word-of-mouth is a very powerful trust reference. The recommendations of people suffering similar problems, people who’ve had good experiences with certain doctors and hospitals, or simply other people that we trust, are a gold mine of information. Sharing of experiences in an intimate gathering or on social media websites helps us make an informed choice. Of course it is important to take any informal recommendation with a pinch of salt. A close friend’s experience is high on the trust scale but it offers a sample size of one. What if that experience was a one-off situation? On the other hand, an Internet forum is lower on the trust scale but offers a higher sample size. What if the responses in the discussion were not genuine? The trick is to gather your information from multiple sources, balance your trust equation and meet your qualified physician halfway.

Understand patient rights and responsibilities

As a patient, you have certain rights and responsibilities. While these may differ from place to place, some rights are universal. You have rights of access to care, respect, privacy, security and all information regarding your treatment and treating staff. You can ask for the credentials of all your doctors. You can ask for multiple opinions or change of doctors. Any treatment plan needs your consent or that of your chosen nominee. You can refuse treatment. You can and should ask for details for every drug that is given to you, including side effects and expiry dates. If admitted in a hospital, you or your attendant should check every medicine given to you against your doctor’s recommended plan. You can request for an alternative if a medicine does not suit you. The financial estimate of your treatment should be communicated to you before your treatment commences, except of course in emergency situations.

You can and should ask for details for every drug that is given to you, including side effects and expiry dates

Against these rights, you have the responsibility of providing correct information about yourself for accurate diagnosis, and following the consented treatment plan. This important information usually gets lost in a plethora of medical paperwork. Make it a point to read it on any visit to a medical establishment. It will bolster your confidence to demand the care you deserve.

Make an informed decision

A detailed patient history is the starting point. The details of your symptoms come in at this stage. An easily identifiable characteristic of a good doctor is if he/she spends adequate time understanding your problem. The next stage is diagnostic testing—lab and radiology. Remember, diagnostics do have a degree of error. They should always be corroborated by the treating physician and repeated if needed. Different labs may have different techniques and reading ranges. Keep this in mind before you panic on seeing an out-of-range result.

With the identification of the disease, [or possible concern areas], the doctor will recommend a treatment plan. Simply scribbling a set of drugs is not enough. You must know all details pertaining to the plan, including when to take the medicine [e.g. before or after meals], how to take it and for how long, what are the possible side effects, what are the contraindications [i.e. under what conditions should you not take the medicine], is it safe to take with other regular medicines, what reactions would be an emergency and what to do in case that happened. In case of multiple opinions, weigh the information carefully. How qualified is your source? Do you doubt your doctor based on an informal source?

While it is tempting to self-diagnose based on informal sources, it is critical to validate data with a qualified practitioner. Instead, use your research to formulate questions to ask your doctor. Go with an open mind that the doctor could have a different opinion on the information you have gathered. Don’t attack them with your knowledge; instead look for convincing arguments, or take a second opinion from another doctor. In the end, it is always advisable to base your decision on a qualified practitioner’s recommendation, whether it is your first or fifth doctor. Some of this may sound like common sense, but it is not always easy to keep perspective when the doctor is saying things you don’t want to hear.

Remember what is important

Trust in your doctor, or the lack of it, can have a profound impact on your wellbeing. The mind is the most neglected component in standard medical care. Yet, text after ancient text and story after story tell us about the miracles the mind can achieve, even in very difficult medical cases. While there may not be consensus on whether and how the mind heals, a negative mindset can definitely hamper recovery. Stress, anxiety, depression can hinder the best of treatments. If you do not feel comfortable with your doctor, the mind will stress out on each and every little thing. Due diligence and awareness can help you meet your doctor on a strong footing. This will build your confidence that you can trust your doctor and lead a healthier life.

A version of this article was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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I had such an experience recently, where my 20-year-old niece Priya [not her real name] confided in me about her current romantic relationship. While I was happy to be the recipient of her trust, the situation was full of moral dilemmas: Should I listen or tell her what to do? Should I tell her parents or respect her request for privacy? Should I treat her as an equal adult or a child to be protected? What would I tell her parents when they find out that I knew about the relationship but didn’t tell them? In the end, it all came down to one question—what is my role here?

The answer, I realised, lay in conversation. A conversation that would keep communication channels open. Clear and candid communication helps avoid emotionally charged actions—actions which could, by their nature, break up relationships and families. One difficult conversation goes a long way in preventing heartburn and misunderstandings.

Here are some of the things I learnt about dealing with this awkward and morally fraught situation.

Creating space: Listen without judgment

Nothing shuts down a soul-baring conversation faster than the realisation of being judged. This is especially true when you are talking across generations and across value systems. I find many from the younger generation remarkably astute and mature about their ambitions, both in their career and personal life. They know what they want and when they want it. They want to experiment, to try things out, to see if things ‘fit’, before making any decision. What they don’t want is someone telling them why they ‘can’t’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do something. This is true between parent-child, but becomes even more sensitive if it’s between a child and an adult who was approached. Whether you are the agony aunt or the wise uncle or any other sympathetic adult—what they want is a sounding board, not an authority reiterating the rules. So shrug off your boundaries and give them space. Be the rock for their insecurities and uncertainties. It may not be what you want to be, but it is what they need. Without this, there is no scope for a meaningful conversation.

Building the foundation: Trust, trust, trust

Respect the trust that has been reposed in you. It is a huge leap of faith for a youngster to open up to you. Respect that faith and the courage it took for them to communicate. At the same time, you have a responsibility to everyone who is affected by this conversation. Trust is critical, but it can’t be one-sided. They may ask you to keep the situation a secret, but it might not always be possible. As far as you can, keep their trust. If you feel that their parents need to be involved, tell them that you believe that is the best course of action. But be up front about whatever your decision is, and why you feel so. Give the youngster the space to debate it. If you break their trust, you may end up doing more harm than good.

The biggest pearl of wisdom: teaching responsibility

Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions. If there is one ‘tell’ in this conversation, it is this. Explain to the young boy/girl the importance of action and consequence, and the fact that the responsibility of both lies with them. If they want to be treated as adults, they must act like adults. Help them make decisions by showing them options and explaining consequences. But be utterly steadfast in letting them make their own decision and taking responsibility for it. Set the example by explaining how you are taking your responsibility by accepting the consequences of your role in this conversation. Let them take ownership of their decisions. Decide together on whether the situation needs intervention, or if the youngster can manage on his or her own with some guidance.

Defining boundaries: Step back or step in?

While respecting the young adult’s need to test the waters, do not forget your responsibility as the mature adult. Giving them space to grow does not mean condoning activities that are harmful, illegal or otherwise undesirable. Make the decision based on your reading of the situation. Is it within moral and ethical boundaries to let them find their way, or do you or some other authority need to step in? If their role is to take responsibility for their behaviour, your role is to ensure that everyone involved, be it their parents, families or significant others, are not harmed. There is a time to step back and a time to step in. This is your action-consequence of commission or omission. Share your decision with the youngster and let them learn from your example.

In my case, my conversation with Priya started out awkwardly, and rather than an agony aunt, I just felt like a very nosy aunt! As we talked, I realised that treating her as an adult and adhering to these cardinal points kept the conversation flowing. As she opened up, I could see her visibly relax in my company. Priya admitted her relief in having an adult she could confide in. She had already thought about her future and all she had really wanted was someone who would listen to her. And all I wanted was for Priya to know that she was not alone. It was a difficult conversation to begin with, but in the end, it was well worth the time.

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A husband and wife are fighting. She calls him an idiot; he calls her stupid. An observer might call this the marital war zone. What makes this metaphor appropriate in this situation is that the two parties fighting are acting like adversaries or enemies, each trying to defeat and crush the opponent. When the argument ends, neither one feels closer to the other. In fact, the argument is more likely to end with an act of defiance—like one of them leaving the house—an act that signals abandonment and rejection rather than respect and consideration. What makes two lovers and soulmates so toxic to each other?

We leave this scene and go inside another home where a father is trying to discipline his teenage daughter. His voice is raised, his eyes are fiery, and he is shaking a finger in her direction in a threatening manner. The daughter is sitting on the couch with a sullen, defiant look on her face. If you stopped the father and asked him what he feels towards his daughter, he would tell you he loves her and only wants the best for her. But a casual observer would not see love or care in his behavior. They might notice instead that the father is trying to assert his authority over his daughter [and failing] and trying to put fear in her heart so she will not repeat whatever mistake she has just made. The atmosphere is tense, angry, and clearly unfriendly.

Rajiv and Ranjit are senior programmers at an IT company. Similar in build, hairstyle, and appearance, they are often mistaken for brothers at company meetings. But the vibe between them is far from friendly. They frequently argue fiercely for their ideas and try to gain the upper hand during team meetings. They share a team manager who has often tried to get them to sit down and smooth out their tension but all her efforts have been in vain. Their nickname in the office is The Two R’s, which some whisper behind their back, stands for the Rebel and the Rowdy. The team manager is desperate for a solution because both these young men are highly intelligent and are assets to her team. What could she do to turn this around?

The same dynamic is being played out in board rooms and living rooms, between co-workers or friends, between sisters and brothers, boss and employee, as we saw between the parent-child dyad or the spousal system, where conflict overtakes the goodwill in the relationship. During such tense arguments, the emotional hallmark of the conflict is the sense that one is fighting an enemy or opponent, and that trust, care, and respect have left the scene.

According to world-renowned relationship researcher and author, Dr. John Gottman, there is a secret ingredient that can turn things around—friendship. Dr. Gottman, in his best-selling book The Relationship Cure, explains the five components of friendship that can strengthen any relationship between lovers, family, friends, and co-workers. He found that any relationship that has the qualities of friendship strongly established will withstand conflict and strife more effectively. It will reduce stress and tension in the dyad as well as within each individual, and create the conditions for humor, play, respect, and closeness. In lovers and spouses, friendship will act as the fertilizer for the healthy growth of romance, passion, and intimacy. In fact, research shows that having close positive friendships may help us live happier and longer lives.

Any relationship that has the qualities of friendship strongly established will withstand conflict and strife more effectively

In this article, we will focus primarily on the first of Dr. Gottman’s five-step programme for establishing a strong foundation of friendship in any relationship: analyzing the way you bid and respond to other’s bids, developing your emotional communication skills, and finding shared meaning with others.

First, let us take a look at why friendship is a good basis for all relationships. The word friendship may sound odd when talking about the relationship between a parent and child or between a husband and wife. Isn’t that a different kind of relationship compared to that between co-workers or social friends? Agreed, says Dr. Gottman, but the qualities of friendship that we want to cultivate in all relationships have similar foundations even if they are expressed differently within the context of a particular relationship. With over 40 years of systematic scientific research on what makes relationships function at a high level of satisfaction and stability, Dr. Gottman has discovered certain critical elements of emotional communication that help build and preserve a basis in friendship across all relationship types whether it is a romantic or intimate relationship, a professional relationship, a sibling relationship, or a parent-child relationship.

So What Is Friendship?

A friendship implies a voluntary, mutual social exchange between two people. We play many roles in our lives—child, parent, spouse, sibling, employee… Each role comes with some obligations and expectations. But if we base our relationships only on role obligations, life would be pretty unfulfilling.

For example, an employee is expected to show respect to his boss and courtesy and politeness at work. This employee’s work life will feel so much more fulfilling and energizing if he wants to show respect and courtesy at work because his boss has made an effort to build a relationship with him, and he gets along well with his colleagues. The fact that he chooses to show respect because they have earned it makes the relationships feel like friendship because it becomes a voluntary social exchange. Similarly, a child who wants to please her parents, or a husband who wants to make his wife happy are going to enjoy the relationship even during times of stress.

Mutuality is another important quality in friendship. A relationship that nurtures both people includes give as well as take. Even in a parent-child relationship, the parent takes care of the child’s physical and emotional needs and the child nurtures the parent by showing love and respect. In marriage, intimacy and commitment grows deeper when there is voluntary and mutual exchange.

Finally, a healthy friendship is based on comfort and honesty. We want to share our thoughts, fears, and hopes with a friend because we know we will be accepted for who we are rather than be judged for it. We look forward to talking to friends because the more we share experiences and conversations, the more comfort grows between us. Along with a growing comfort, we begin to feel more safe as time goes on, sharing deeper and perhaps more painful experiences or memories. Comfort nurtures honesty. Honesty feeds loyalty and trust. In this positive nurturing cycle, a friendship relationship becomes a safe harbor that accepts as well as inspires us to become our best selves. John Gottman describes the great relational paradox this way: “People are more likely to change and grow when they feel accepted and liked for who they already are. In most cultures, friendship is the most basic social relationship in which this growth and change happens through the voluntary exchange of care, comfort, trust, and acceptance.”

As we are beginning to see, what we want from friends overlaps with what we want from other relationships in our lives. The foundation of friendship provides the scaffolding, which enables us to cope with just about any stress, challenge, or adversity that life has to offer.

If we agree that a basis of friendship is the key to all happy relationships, how do we learn to establish and preserve this basis? This is where Dr. Gottman provides us with an easy to understand roadmap that we can follow in all our relationships. Let’s look at the three steps from his program that anyone can learn and begin to use starting today.

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
―Helen Keller

3 Steps to Build Friendship As the Foundation of Your Relationship

Step 1: Build the emotional bank account

The first step is to understand the concept of an emotional bank account. Dr. Gottman and his research team studied hundreds of couples by observing them over long periods of time as they spent time together in an apartment laboratory at the University of Washington, in Seattle, WA. They would ask couples to discuss a difficult topic or give them a joint task to do, but sometimes the couple would be asked to spend time in the lab doing whatever they do at home such as watching television, listening to music, playing a game, or reading a book.

In the beginning, there were hundreds of hours of videotape of these ‘mundane’ moments where it seemed like nothing was going on. They were surprised to find that couples who were in very satisfying happy relationships were not really using this downtime to engage in deep meaningful conversations. In fact, most of the conversations might seem superficial to the observer because they might be about the weather, the news, or seemingly trivial events in their lives. A husband might say to the wife, “Hey, what came out of that conversation you had with your sister last week? Is she still planning to buy a new car?” The wife would respond with some details about her conversation with her sister. There seemed to be nothing earth-shattering or emotional in this exchange. Then Gottman wondered if perhaps it was not the depth of the conversation but the frequency with which they engaged each other and the manner in which they responded to each other that made the difference.

With the help of his research assistant, Janice Driver, they went back and poured through the hundreds of hours of videotape that had been left on the cutting room floor. That’s when they made a startling discovery that became one of the major findings of the research. They discovered that some couples were not just hanging out in the apartment laboratory like two individuals. They were finding ways to engage each other and build connection and closeness through repeated small and large behaviors throughout the day. From this observation they coined the term the ‘bid’ and the ‘turn’.

A bid is any gesture, word, expression, or unit of behavior that invites another person to engage with them. Some bids can be simple looks or facial expressions, others can be elaborate requests for conversation or closeness. A turn is the response the other person gives to the bid from the first. If the bid was a look, let’s say, raised eyebrows, the turn might be a smile or a wink. If the bid was a statement such as “when would you like to retire?”, the turn might be a more involved conversation from the partner about their career, health, or dreams for when they are older.

In contrast to previous research that showed that intimacy was built up through deep verbal sharing, Gottman found that this bid + turn formula was the fundamental unit of intimacy in a relationship. The frequency and type of bids and turns becomes the basis of the friendship in the relationship and can impact almost every other aspect of the relationship such as safety, comfort, honesty, conflict, trust, and loyalty.

Bids could be positive [inviting or gentle] or harsh and negative [demanding]. From his research on siblings as well as children’s relationships, Gottman found that even a tantrum or a scolding can be a bid for attention. It is a way of saying, “Please show me that I matter to you”. Just like bids can be positive or negative, there are three kinds of turns:

Turning toward is when the partner or recipient of the bid responds in a way that engages the bidder and furthers the relationship.

Turning away is when the responder neglects or ignores the bid or does something distracting or irrelevant as if to show that the bid did not exist.

Turning against is when the responder responds negatively to a bid in such a way that it communicates annoyance, disrespect, or an attempt to defeat the bid.

In a happy relationship, there are frequent bids followed by turning towards responses that become like deposits in the emotional bank account between the two partners. In unhappy relationships, frequent experiences of turning away or turning against bids creates a bank account that is running on empty or overdrawn. Then, when stress or conflict arises in the relationship, there is no goodwill [money in the bank] to draw from. The research showed that a relatively small difference in the frequency of bids and turns could have a large impact on the relationship. So partners in happy relationships turned towards each other as much as 100 times in 10 minutes, while partners in unhappy relationships turned towards each other 65 times in the same time period. Remember it was not just how many times they did it but also the kind of responses that made a difference. So if the unhappy partners had even a few negative bids or negative responses [such as turning away and turning against], their relationship suffered significantly.

So what does this finding mean for you? The first lesson to explore is how bids and turns take place in your relationships. Are you more often the bidder or the responder? When you bid, are your bids positive or negative, direct or subtle, or enthusiastic or sullen? What kinds of responses do you usually get to your bids and what does that tell you about the person you are in a relationship with?

Sometimes we spend a lot of time and energy sending out bids that are not responded to positively or even at all. Gottman found that unrequited bidders were the most lonely people in relationships. Another thing to explore is your style of responding to bids—are you positive, do you turn towards people when they bid for your attention, or do you get caught up in your own zone and fail to even notice that your wife or child or colleague is sending multiple bids your way? Or do you lead a stress-filled, anxious life and most of the time your responses are irritable or reactive? Whatever your style of responding, knowing more about your emotional communication style through the bid-and-turn system will help you become more conscious and therefore more in charge of your relationships.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
―Friedrich Nietzsche

Step 2: Learn the skills of emotional communication

Now that we know how bids and turns help build the emotional bank account in a relationship, let’s look at all the ways one can make deposits in this bank account on a daily basis and also the “bid-busters” or the kinds of things that can get in the way. Here is a simple rule to remember: When sharing the same time and space with someone, pay attention to the way you bid as well as the way you respond to bids. In order to do this, you need mindfulness.

I was driving my teenage daughter to school one day and as usual she was being chatty and conversational during the ride. I like the fact that my daughter shares things with me and I don’t want her to stop. But sometimes in a long car ride, I can only hear so much about who said what or did what to whom before I begin to tune out. So that morning I was preoccupied with driving and even though I was saying “uh-huh” at regular intervals, my mind had wandered off to other mental landscapes. At a traffic light, I became aware that my daughter had stopped talking and was looking at me with an annoyed look on her face. I said, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “You have not been listening to me at all, have you? What was the last thing I was talking about?” I had to admit I could not remember what she was talking about because I had indeed stopped listening. She snorted when she heard my confession and then sat in sullen silence for the rest of the ride. I realized that I had turned away from her repeated bids and she was no longer interested in engaging with me.

Now, to be realistic, most of the time when we turn away from bids from our loved ones, it is not mean-spirited or malicious. We tend to simply get caught up in our own mental zone or become preoccupied. Not being attentive once or twice doesn’t harm the relationship as much as a repeated pattern of turning away.

When we become more mindful of the ways we respond to bids, we not only become more conscious of our choices and therefore more likely to pick good ones but we also become more available to repair a slip as soon as it happens. And that is what I had to do with my daughter, repair with her for not listening and make an effort to stay mindful and attentive much more in the future.

I am happy to report that my daughter still talks to me in the car and I treasure those moments when I learn so much about what she is like in relationships and what her thoughts and feelings are about the world. I get a small glimpse into what my daughter is going to be like as a grown woman during those moments and I would not trade them for all the gold in the world.

Mindfulness and an interest and willingness to get to know people we share this life with help create meaning in our lives. Ross Parke encourages us to become “collectors of emotional moments” because the rich tapestry of our autobiographical memories are woven from the strings that connect these emotional memories to each other. As another famous researcher and author Daniel Siegel found in his research on the developing brain, the single most reliable predictor of the mental health of a child comes from the child’s parent being able to articulate a coherent autobiography of their lives.

» Bid-busters

We have already looked at the first and most common of the bid-busters or the behaviors that prevent us from making emotional connections in our relationships. That is the quality of being mindless. When we live our lives on autopilot, we miss many opportunities to build emotional connections and make positive memories in all our relationships.

The second most common bid-buster is what Gottman calls the “harsh start-up”. He found that the first three minutes of an interpersonal exchange determines with a high degree of predictability how the rest of the conversation will go and if repeated often, how the relationship will go in the future. A harsh start-up is when we make a bid but do it in a way that criticizes or accuses the other person instead of being inviting. Here are some examples:

• A boss walks up to the employee’s cubicle and says, “Am I ever going to see that report I asked you for two days ago?”
• A parent says to a child, “Did you spill your juice again? I can never give you something to drink without having to clean up after you every time.”
• A wife says to her husband, “How come you never cook me dinner?”
• A brother calls his sister and says, “What is the matter with you? Have you forgotten my phone number that I don’t get a call from you for weeks?”

In each of these examples, the person starting the conversation probably has a positive goal in mind—they want something from the other person even if it is just an apology or acknowledgement. But the chances that they will get a positive response is reduced to almost zero because of how they opened the exchange.

» Other bid-busters include

• Criticism. When we place the problem inside the body of the other person instead of seeing it as a problem that exists between two people. For example, instead of the husband admonishing his wife for dirty dishes piling up and calling her a poor housekeep, if he said, “I don’t like seeing dirty dishes in the sink, will you please wash them before dinner?” his wife will not only be more likely to want to please him, she won’t take it as personally.
• Flooding. Our brains and bodies are hard-wired to protect us from danger. When we are engaged in a conflict discussion, the body can experience conflict and anger in the same way it would experience the threat of war. The best thing to do when our bodies are flooded is to take a calming break for at least 20 minutes before resuming the discussion.
• Pessimism and cynicism. Some of us are prone to look around and constantly find what is not going well. For example, a parent who is constantly correcting her son instead of giving him positive feedback even when he does something right is going to raise a child who only cares about doing just enough to avoid punishment. The lesson to learn here is to try to become more balanced so that positives and happiness are practiced and remembered as much as things that don’t go well.
• Avoiding conversations. Often two people who are fighting are not likely to be talking about what is really going on inside of them. For example, a friend always comes late to every outing. Instead of sharing my true feelings about this, I might begin to treat the friend with an edge or degree of coolness whenever this happens, hoping he will pick up the hint. But he is not going to. He is more likely to experience my coldness as rejecting and annoying and react to that with his own sarcastic remarks or digs, which will only push my buttons and make me angry. Sooner or later, we will be having an argument about our friendship and may even find ourselves ending it. If I had the courage to confide in him that his coming late makes me feel unimportant and embarrassed, even if he doesn’t like it, he is more likely to respond with his own vulnerable feelings about what happens to him when he is late.

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”
―Henry David Thoreau

Step 3: Building shared meaning

If you are wondering how it can be enough to just know about bids and turns, make deposits, and avoid bid-busters to create close lasting relationships, you would be right. Those are just the basic building blocks of friendship. In order to use these building blocks to create intimacy, closeness, and a solid foundation to the relationship, we have to know something about how to use them in relationships. Armed with the knowledge of what it takes to have a positive emotional bank, let’s look at some ways you can use bids and turns to get high impact results.

Remember this: Enthusiastic or high-energy bids and turning towards builds momentum in a relationship towards more connection, closeness, intimacy, safety, and trust.

Let’s look at what high energy and enthusiastic means. Most of the time, as we go about our daily lives and interact with our spouses, children, colleagues, family members, or friends, we are usually engaged in mundane tasks at the same time. So most of our interactions tend to revolve around routines, chores, activities, or informal chit-chat. For example, parents interact with children around tasks such as eating dinner, taking a bath, changing clothes, waking up, doing school work and the like. So most of their conversations are likely to be about these rather boring topics as well. A parent says, “Eat your peas”. The child says, “I don’t want to. The peas are touching the meat”. The parent replies, “You cannot leave the table until your plate is empty”. The conversation usually ends there. As a researcher, we would call these low-level bids and turns. The parent is attentive and the child is interacting but both of them are not really building more closeness or trust through these interactions. The parent is communicating rules around eating and the child is trying to resist and later giving in.

What if the parent wanted to have a closer connection to their child and their conversation around peas was an opportunity to build that closeness? What would that look like? Here is an example:

Parent: “Honey, eat your peas.

Child: I don’t want to, the peas are touching the meat.

Parent: That’s an interesting response. What does that mean to you?

Child: Now the peas have meat juice on them and Kavita says that meat juice has parasites in it.

Parent: Ah, I see. How did Kavita come to learn this, I wonder?

Child: We are studying microbes and bacteria in our biology class and Kavita said she talked to her dad who is a doctor and he told her that.”

You can see how this second conversation is like opening a door into the mind and heart of the child. The parent can still make the same rule as before, which is that the child has to eat all her dinner. But before we get to the rule, there is a more meaningful conversation taking place. The parent now has the ability to share his own thoughts about parasites with his child and perhaps allay the child’s fears and worries.

You will notice that high energy doesn’t mean high intensity. The conversation becomes high energy because it increases the interest and engagement of both people and produces a bonding experience that makes both people feel closer to each other at the end of it. The high energy in this conversation was encouraged because the parent asked a simple open-ended question that invited the child to share her thoughts and feelings.

“When friendships are real, they are not glass threads or frost work, but the solidest things we can know.”
―Ralph Waldo Emerson

Enthusiastic turning towards is similar in that it is a response to a bid that lets the bidder know he or she is very important and worth all your attention. A colleague stops at your office and asks you what you plan to do for lunch. You could offer a low level response such as, “I brought my own lunch today and I have too much to do so I will be eating at my desk.” A high energy or enthusiastic response uses this moment to build mutual interest and friendship. Here the responder might say, “I brought my lunch because I have so much to do but I sure wish I was eating lunch with you. What are you thinking about doing for lunch?” By confiding in your colleague that you wish you were eating with him, you send the message that his invitation is welcome and he is more likely to ask again. Or it might give him permission to encourage you to take a short break and go outside on a beautiful day and you are likely to feel special that he wants to spend time with you. Either way, the two of you will walk away from that exchange with a smile on your faces.

Enthusiastic turning towards invites sharing and spontaneity. It gives and receives positive energy between the sender and the receiver and it often implies that each person is worth the attention. When enthusiastic turning towards happens within families such as between spouses, parents and children, or siblings, it can lead to greater positive outcomes. A spouse who stops what he is doing to pay attention to his wife’s bid and encourage a deeper conversation builds intimacy and romance. A parent who takes the time to really listen and engage in dialogue with a child about their mutual experiences builds trust and loyalty. It does not have to happen at every bid or even every day. But when these exchanges happen on a regular basis, it turns our lives from feeling like a series of chores and tasks to a rich tapestry studded with gems of precious moments of caring and love and woven with threads of happiness, joy, and affection shared between two people.

A parent who takes the time to really listen and engage in dialogue with a child about their mutual experiences builds trust

Positive Sentiment Override

A positive emotional bank account has a dramatic impact on all aspects of a relationship. The emotional bank account functions like a bridge between the foundation of a relationship to the everyday challenges and difficulties that are inevitable in life.

When the emotional bank account is running on empty or has been overdrawn, the weather of the relationship turns stormy, cloudy, and gloomy. People begin to dread seeing the other person, they begin to avoid talking about any deep topics in order to avoid conflict, and they begin to use unhealthy strategies for dealing with any difficulties that arise such as avoidance, anger, or blame. Conflicts increase in frequency, intensity, and damage and the two people in the relationship find it harder each time to repair and reset the goodwill in the relationship. Over time, the fabric of the relationship begins to tear apart and both people drift away from each other.

When the emotional bank account is running on positive, the weather of the relationship becomes sunny, warm, inviting, and fun. People begin to experience the relationship as a safe harbor where they can be themselves, they enjoy each other’s company more, and they become more inspired and creative within themselves. If there are disagreements or conflicts, the positive bank account makes the conflict feel less threatening. In fact, Gottman found that a positive weather [which he called The Positive Perspective] reduces the frequency, intensity, and the damage caused by conflicts and increases the chances that conflicts will be repaired and that both people will show caring and a sense of humor even when things are challenging.

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.”
―Marcus Tullius Cicero

Putting It All Together

Let’s put it all together by looking at the stories I shared at the very beginning to see how a solid friendship might change the way the relationship progressed.

The husband and wife fighting would find that their argument does not escalate and become as negative as it was in the beginning. Both spouses would make an effort to respond gently to each other and to avoid criticizing or blaming the other for the problems. Neither one of them would even think about using words like idiot or stupid to each other because they would not judge each other harshly. Even if the argument became heated, one or both of them would agree to take a break to calm down and then come back later to resolve the differences and repair the relationship.

The father who was admonishing his daughter would use his friendship base with his daughter to first have a gentle and open-ended conversation with her about her life and her choices. He might learn during this conversation that she misbehaved not because she did not respect him but because she really wanted to fit into her peer group and do something that would make them like her even though she knew it would make her father upset with her. He might really empathize with her dilemma and then disclose his own dilemma to her about wanting to protect her and yet teach her how to make her own mature choices. The daughter would also respect her father’s perspective and listen to him and agree that his perspective is valuable for her to learn from. If this conversation goes well, they would both walk away feeling like they got to say what they wanted, they heard each other, and now have a mutual agreement about how the daughter will handle this situation in the future.

And what about our colleagues, the Two R’s, Rajiv and Ranjit? If their team leader recognized the value of friendship as the key to strong relationships, she might begin by building a sound friendship with each of them so that they trust and respect her opinion. By modelling how to build an emotional bank account, she would teach them to respond to each other positively and with more enthusiasm and mutuality. In fact, she might inspire all of her employees to begin to treat each other as unique and special and make time to connect with each other during the work day so that the entire office community begins to feel like a homey, comfortable, and fun atmosphere in which to work. Within this positive environment, Rajiv and Ranjit would gradually begin to be less competitive with each other and more interested in learning about each other. They would begin to recognize the similarities in their level of talent and creativity and begin to inspire and encourage each other to excel on the team. With the support of their team leader, they might also begin to build a friendship with each other that extended beyond the work day so that they develop a closer understanding of each other’s personalities, dreams, and worries.

When people begin to care for and about each other, they also begin to share and support each other through hard times. Within the rich nourishment of a community of caring, people will also begin to show the best in themselves and feel inspired to become the best they can be. When we feel confident in our abilities as a unique special person who is valuable to others, we begin to rise above ourselves and give more to our communities, our families, and to the world.

Friendship is such a simple word that carries within it a world of possibilities. Friendship is the kernel of emotional connection that helps us become more empathetic, compassionate, and caring human beings. Barbara Fredrickson, the positive psychology researcher and author of Positivity and Love 2.0, suggests that through positive relationships we begin to feel love and that Love gives us “a palpable sense of oneness and connection, a transcendence that makes you feel part of something far larger than yourself.”

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1. Trust everyone until they prove they’re not trustworthy
2. Don’t trust anyone until they prove they’re trustworthy

In my opinion, the second philosophy is not about trust at all. It is about being safe. Because, by definition, the moment you need reasons, then you are not trusting, you are asking for proof, and thereby simply trying to hedge your risks. In contrast, genuine trust is an act of faith. Trusting means we are confident that the one we trust can do no wrong, because we’re sure of his/her intentions and integrity. This confidence is not a result of any past experience or other reasons but of an instinctive knowing that is not, usually, rational.

Trusting someone is inherently risky. When we trust someone, we know we are being vulnerable. Trust is most important in a love relationship. In his powerful book, Love and Survival, bestselling author Dr Dean Ornish writes, “When we express our feelings, we make ourselves more vulnerable”. This is because we’re taking the risk of letting the other person know our weak spots and risk being hurt. But, it is impossible to be in an intimate relationship without being vulnerable. So, the ability to take the risk of being hurt is the cornerstone of love and intimacy.

Willingness becomes the operative word here. It’s our willingness to take the risk of being hurt that allows us to be trusting. The advantages of trusting are that we form stronger bonds because the other person also feels it safer to be more vulnerable, and therefore more trusting of us.

If trusting others is risky, trusting the self is far more so. This is because when we trust ourselves we take the biggest risk – of taking responsibility of our lives in our own hands. Of course, we cannot trust ourselves till we love ourselves. We ought to love ourselves to be able to rely on our instincts and our intentions to guide us – and of being vulnerable to them. We can then trust ourselves enough to be confident of our feelings and emotions.

So, trust and vulnerability are risky. But then safety never had attractive payoffs.

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