To me, Ralph Waldo Emerson has always been an absolute favorite. His ideas never fail to trigger a sweeping thought process.

Here, he is touching upon one of the most pervasive of human drawbacks—insisting on agreement. Our society emphasizes external signposts, making us crave for an endorsement of our thoughts and actions. We feel berated if our ideas and thoughts do not receive the approval of others. Emerson acknowledges that he’s vulnerable to falling into the trap of self-condemnation when someone disagrees with him. So, he’s telling himself, rather sternly, that he must resist the temptation of feeling rejected or mistreated simply because someone contradicts him.

Being contradicted is OK

When someone holds a viewpoint that is contradictory to ours, it means nothing more than a difference of opinion. Viewpoints are judgements we make based on our understanding of an event, a situation or an idea.

People are entitled to their opinions and if someone airs an opinion not consistent with yours, it only defines that individual, and not you. Emerson’s words are nudging you to look for your locus of control, which determines how you react to contradictory viewpoints. If your locus of control is inside you, you will choose to react in a self-enriching manner. But if it is outside you—meaning that it depends on other people’s good opinions—then you will allow your life to be governed by those others. You will become a people-pleaser, whose self-worth derives from external validation.

Japanese-born baseball champion Ichiro Suzuki believes that “people striving for approval from others become phony.” By all means, enjoy praise and appreciation when it comes your way. But, for the sake of your happiness and peace of mind, don’t rearrange your priorities to please others or avoid their criticism.

Take criticism with grace

All of us are criticized for our thoughts or our actions from time to time. Wisdom lies in accepting criticism with grace. When someone disapproves your thoughts, you do not have to accept the disapproval as true. Instead, choose to examine the contrasting viewpoint from a neutral perspective; accept it if it agrees with your understanding, reject it if it doesn’t.

Keep in mind that being open to alternative views does not mean accepting them. It only means that you allow an opinion that is different from your own. That’s what Friedrich Nietzsche meant when he said, “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

Emerson and Nietzsche are teaching us the value of tolerance. They are reminding us that in the world of individuals, absolute rights and wrongs don’t exist. What is right for one, may be wrong for another. Once we understand and accept that each individual has the right to choose his way as he deems fit, we will become more accepting of the choices of others. Moreover, we will become more assertive of our own choices—then there will be no need to try and comply with someone else’s idea of right or wrong.

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Every relationship based upon this rule is guaranteed to glitter, be it between spouses, siblings, friends, businessmen, corporations and even entire nations.

Unfortunately, simple as it is to understand, the Golden Rule is not as widely followed. What is far more rampantly practised instead is another twisted, pernicious, tit-for-tat rule—treat others like others treat you! I call this the Rusty Rule. Rusty, because all it does is corrode the bonds it touches. It fuels such feelings as revenge, retaliation, punishment and justice at any cost. And the result is for all to see. For instance, one country bullies the other [flouts The Golden Rule], and the other responds in like manner [applies The Rusty Rule] and soon we have a full-blown war where everyone loses. But in spite of it being a lose-lose proposition, almost everyone defends the Rusty Rule, forgetting entirely that eye for an eye can only make the whole world blind.

A lose-lose proposition

A case in point is the 2012 tragic incident—a spat between Chadha brothers Hardeep and Gurdeep [Ponty] turned violent with both getting killed at their New Delhi farmhouse, a property that was apparently under dispute. According to news reports, while Hardeep shot his own brother in a fit of rage, he was in turn shot by Gurdeep’s personal security guards.

Clearly, not only the Golden Rule was flouted, the Rusty Rule was applied forcefully. The Chadha brothers became sworn enemies of each other—because each wanted to be treated in a way that he was not willing to treat the other. My guess is that even if one of them would have followed The Golden Rule, they would still be living. What’s more, in all likelihood, the other would have come around too, sooner or later, and the dispute would’ve resolved amicably.

While most of us are, thankfully, not involved in any major feud like the Chadha brothers, we do have ample opportunities in our daily lives to apply the Golden Rule. More often than not though, we end up following the Rusty Rule automatically when we react to others’ thoughts, deeds and actions. So many serious conflicts will be averted and so many relationships will be saved if only more of us adopt the Golden Rule as the default setting when dealing with others.

Put yourself in the other’s position

Do not underestimate the transformational power of the Golden Rule. Besides being the most effective way to forge lasting and meaningful bonds, it’s the best defuser of potentially explosive situations. How about trying out the Golden Rule in your life—with your family, at work, or even in traffic? If someone makes a mistake, even if it’s a terrible one by your standards, stop for a few moments, and try putting yourself in his/her position. Ask yourself: how would I like to be treated if I had committed the same mistake? Then proceed to treat the other accordingly.

Of course, we ought to remember also that we have no control over others. Which means, even if you follow the Golden Rule, the other may not reciprocate in kind. But that should not dissuade you from putting it into practice. For it may not change the other but it will transform you in ways you may not have imagined. And it will bring you peace of mind even as it fills your life with fresh energy.

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