This belief just got a shot in its arm. New research shows how a person’s pupils respond to threatening images reveals if they have suffered a traumatic experience in the past.

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Here are five common questions people have about seeing a counselor.

Why Do I Need Counseling Therapy?

We, each of us, have individuals temperaments, life experiences and emotional thresholds, so there is no single formula to decide when to seek therapy. But what we can say in general is that whenever you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by a certain situation—failure, grief, loss, sickness—you might consider seeking counselling therapy.

“Why can’t I just talk to my family and friends instead?”, I hear you asking. Indeed you can; not everyone needs to seek professional counselling for their situation. Close friends and family are a sturdy sounding board and their support helps through many a life situations. But you must keep in mind that people known to you will tend to relate with you from their own filters; plus, they will also approach the situation based on their past experiences with you. If these people are a part of your current problem situation, their biases will be a part of the solution or advice they offer to you. A therapist, on the other hand, is trained to look at, and provide, an unbiased view of the situation.

Can a Counselor Solve My Problem?

To correct a widespread misconception, counseling is not about providing solutions to one’s problem. The job of a therapist is to assist and enable a counselee to view the situation from a rational viewpoint and alter thoughts and emotions that cloud or impede such rationality. Don’t expect your therapist to alter the external situation—often that is impossible. However, what a competent therapist will do is assist you in changing your internal thought process. The process of counseling is always driven by the counselee with the counselor assisting in providing structure, exercise and guidance only.

Can a Counselor Make Difficult Decisions for Me?

Another life situation that may warrant counseling therapy is when you find yourself at a cross road in life. Certain decisions seem too daunting to make and appear to have huge emotional, physical, financial and social considerations. You may feel that you just can’t afford to go wrong. Such situations generally occur with young individuals where experience is limited, and risks seem much bigger than they actually are. Procrastination, avoidance and self-doubt are the most natural by-products. While a therapist is not a solution provider, s/he can help you rationalize the process of decision-making and make the most informed choice, with the awareness and readiness to take in stride the expected or unexpected consequences.

Can a Counselor Help Me to Deal With Physical Conditions Too?

Yes. There are physical or medical health conditions that may warrant counseling support. Chronic health issues and life threatening diseases undoubtedly take a toll on one’s emotional, mental and social health. Counseling therapy helps the counselee by building resilience and offering fresh and different perspectives about disease and pain.

Not only the patient but the caregiver too may feel the need for emotional support. Take the example of cancer; while medical management is required to treat the disease, counseling helps the patient and family members deal with the fear, anxiety and depression that accompanies the prognosis. A mother, whose child is battling cancer, or an aged spouse accompanying every dialysis cycle, often suffer in silence and experience burnout. These caregivers need the same amount of emotional and mental support to get through the struggle as the patient.

What Should I Expect in a Typical Counseling Session?

• Typically, the first session or two are spent in establishing a rapport between the therapist and the counselee. This may vary from a single session in case of a responsive counselee to several sessions, like in case of children or reluctant individuals.
• Early sessions are about the counselee picking up on the most obvious problem or issue to be dealt with and through this, both the counselor and counselee explore the underlying irrational thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors of the counselee. This is important because the end result is not just a solution to the existing problem but an empowered rational individual.
• One needs to keep in mind that, in most cases, counseling therapy targets the internal change in a counselee even if the issue seems external because that is the only variable under control. So, if you are seeking counseling to bring about a change in people and situations around you, you are likely to be disappointed. Counseling works to alter the way you view and deal with the difficult situation.
• The duration of the counseling therapy depends upon several factors
  • Responsiveness of the counselee
  • Ability of the counselor to invoke trust in this association
  • Readiness to put in work to find the desired result
  • And lastly, the ability to accept what needs to be changed and what cannot be changed [I teach all my counselees to recite the serenity prayer before every session as part of this acceptance]

Also read » Counsellor calling

Conclusion

To conclude, the complex nature of modern life casts a doubt over our ability to manage and move through life happily and peacefully. It is when life seems unbearable or too complex that counseling support provides the much-needed perspectives.

The post Common Questions About Seeking Counseling Therapy appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Therapy did help me resolve my personal battle but resolving the issues with children seemed to be an impossible task—until I attended my first Family Constellations session. The session shed light on the patterns in the family I was married into, which spanned over two generations. It also helped me understand my children and the family dynamics. My older child, who had chosen to stay with his father in another city, returned home. After struggling with depression for almost a year, he finally felt motivated and started taking positive steps to structure his life.

What is Family Constellation?

Family Constellation is a therapeutic method that originated from the methodology of systemic therapy. It looks at life as a whole rather than focussing on incidents in isolation, thereby giving an overview to family situations. This approach helps to gain insights into the deeper reasons for the issues that are addressed during the sessions such as why certain people are denied a place, or not spoken of; and why behavioural patterns persist, often unconsciously, from one generation to the next.

Bert Hellinger, the German psychotherapist who created both the Family Constellation and the Systemic Constellation methods of healing, calls this larger field the “Family Soul”. It serves as the basis for exploring and understanding our relationships as well as eventually designing solutions for unresolved issues.

Family Constellation looks at life as a whole rather than focussing on incidents in isolation, thereby giving an overview to family situations

The levels of healing in Family Constellation

In Hellinger’s words, Family Constellation is the external movement of a cosmic event, and is neither a craft nor a method. We can assume that everything that happens and has shown itself in a Constellation is always for the good of the seeker, even if the seeker has initially started with seeking resolution for a seemingly different issue. Just as there are no two identical people, there are no two identical Constellations—be it related to enterprises, relations, professional or private life, a disease, career choice or any other issue.

According to a leading practitioner of the methodology in Mumbai, Family Constellation has to be experienced to be understood, as it is a multidimensional therapy that works across generations and people. It pinpoints the core issue among the mesh of things happening in a person’s life. Every Constellation works for all three—the client, the other participants in the group and the facilitator, though the focus of the therapy is the client who brings up the issue. She adds that the sessions are not interpreted in depth, as it is best to leave it to the client to experience how the results of the therapy unfold in real life.

She further discusses a case where one of her clients ate compulsively to avoid getting into a relationship, because she had taken on the role of the ‘man’ in the house after her father’s death. The Constellation also revealed that the client used food to fill the void created by the lack of her mother’s love, which in turn was also the case with the mother herself. The Constellation re-established the order in the family and the client opened herself to love, thereby improving the relationship between the client and her mother drastically.

The biggest advantage of choosing Family Constellation as a modality for healing is that you don’t need the other person or people related to your issue to be present during the session. Most people resolve their issue in just a few sessions. Sometimes even one session is enough and hence it’s quick and very cost-effective. The resolution creates a ripple effect and thus brings about considerable shifts even in the other people related to one’s issue, given the fact that they do not actively participate in the process.

Most people resolve their issue in just a few sessions. Sometimes even one session is enough and hence it’s quick and very cost-effective

This therapy can be used in combination with counselling, though it is also extremely effective even if used as the only method. Family Constellation can help find solutions in conflicts or fateful events in relationships and a family, in cases where parents who separate want to make the right decisions for their children, when historical events and calamities have had an impact on a family, when someone is in a difficult relationship and wants to work at it or end it, and when someone is faced with difficulties in their work environment. In short, anyone who wishes to resolve his internal or external conflicts can greatly benefit from this therapeutic modality.

How and where does one attend a session?

A family constellation usually takes place in a one- or two-day workshop, with a group of people all undergoing the same process, or also as a private session. In a group workshop, the client chooses other participants to represent the people involved in his issue. Participants take turns to represent people involved in each other’s issues. The group is contracted to confidentiality and respect for all members.

Deeper issues may require more constellation, be it in group workshops or private sessions. Though a family constellation seems to be similar to a Psychodrama, it is completely different as it does not look at particular events in the client’s life to replay them; it simply looks at the energy in each of all the participating representatives with no sense of drama and very little information of the issue or the lives of the people concerned. In a session, the person with the issue seldom participates, so that he can observe the process, but more so because his involvement could influence the true flow of the Constellation.

So if there is a family constellation session happening in your city, try it as a participating representative and experience its effect on your life. I assure you that you will look forward to bringing up your own issues when attending the next one.

The post How Family Constellations can help you heal your life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Then I look again, and I see how each person is nested in the context from which he or she comes. I see the mothers and the fathers, the countries, the fabric of cultures and beliefs and experience. And, as importantly, I feel my own family behind me, I feel the support and interest of everyone who has brought me to this very moment, the one in which I get to meet these people, to do this meaningful work.

Most systems—family, organisations, communities, nations, religions—are deeply settled into years and years of patterning. We are born into these systems and answerable to their edicts. It follows that we later have great difficulty discovering our own internal sense of freedom, let alone feeling assured enough to embrace it.

Most systems—family, organisations, communities, nations, religions—are deeply settled into years and years of patterning

We stay loyal to the dynamics that immediately surround us. It’s a loyalty beneath the surface, subconscious and insidious. Our family loyalty may compel us in the opposite direction from what we want: Can we be happy when our father was not? Live fully when a sickly brother could not? Have love when our mother lost hers? Be successful when our country of origin is impoverished? Have children when others were given away? When such events occur when we are very young, or take place before our birth and are carried in the psyches of our parents, it is our ingrained sense that we must account for them.

On one level, our ‘instinct’ guides us to stay with the past, to not abandon those left behind. This is the message received. It’s not handed down in a deliberate way but it is felt as a compass hidden in a secret pocket. Deep into adulthood, this compass may provide instinctual information that we adhere to out of awareness. How can we tell? From the evidence. When something makes us happy, for example, we quickly sabotage the situation such that we cannot sustain it. Or, we find that we become involved with different individuals, but the same old dynamics always come up. Or, we have great ideas, all of which lose traction right at the threshold of success. Our own fruition seems too much to bear.

We stay loyal to the dynamics that immediately surround us. It’s a loyalty beneath the surface, subconscious and insidious

My curiosity with each person who comes to work is this: to what is his or her compass attuned? In what larger context does their way of navigating make sense? We know it doesn’t work well for moving forward, so where does it work? How does the person’s issue connect to the larger backdrop of the root system? And what direction is the subliminal compass still providing?

I use a Family Constellation to reveal a living map of the family’s history. In a workshop setting, we invite participants to represent family members or forces in the family in order to provide a ‘picture’ of what the client feels and what he or she is secretly connected to. Unlike a drama, the representatives are encouraged to explore the spacial relationships, to experience the tensions or freedoms of various positions, rather than to interpret or analyse information. In individual work, I will ask the client to imagine these components and to report what he or she sees. In either case, the image quickly shifts from something known to something new. Once this refreshed image takes a shape, and really engages the client, he or she will be able to explore the once-hidden dynamics safely and begin to envision new ways to express loyalty and love.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Though dance was part of healing rituals in many pre-historic cultures, it was only in the 1940s that it became a distinct therapeutic modality and gradually gained acceptance in the field of mental health. Dancers used the therapy to work with various groups of people—normal as well as those with psychiatric issues.

Parallel between psychotherapy and dance therapy

The psychotherapist encourages clients to clarify workings of the mind through the verbal medium and resolve specific conflicts. In contrast, a dance therapist would use the medium of body movement to elicit self-expression from individuals. Not everyone is comfortable or articulate enough to express themselves through the verbal medium. In some cases, children who have undergone emotional or physical trauma find it less threatening to express themselves through movement or music. In other cases, adults who are totally un-communicative through words have found their expression through drama or visual art. Relationships and bonds between people are built almost instantly while people dance and interact with each other on a physical level. After a certain amount of trust is established in groups, people are actually able to open up verbally to share undisclosed feelings or thoughts.

Most therapists use creative dance as the primary approach to unchain people’s bodies from habitual movement patterns. Individual ideas, feelings, images, incidents or stories are expressed through movements created by participants themselves. Using creative strategies, therapists encourage individuals to use movements that feel natural and fall easy on their bodies. Through this experience, people begin to find an authentic movement language to express themselves.

Therapists use both directive and non-directive approaches to help individuals focus on and explore their personal movement vocabulary. Participants are encouraged to discover their range of motion, movement preferences, physical limits, strengths and creative abilities. As the understanding of their own body movements grows, participants also begin to explore and expand their interpersonal skills with other group members.

Is dance therapy like a dance class?

Of course not! It is not as simple as putting on music and asking people to move freely. Many folks would freeze on hearing an instruction like that! Therefore therapists plan their sessions with care and foster in individuals the ability to create a movement vocabulary bank, into which they can dip and choose whatever is suitable. With this vocabulary, each person shapes his/her own body language to achieve self-expression. To begin a session for example, the therapist might ask participants to express with their bodies how they feel this particular day. If there are 10 people, they would come up with 10 varied postures or movements indicative of their mood. Through this simple activity, the therapists do not really teach participants how to move; rather they come up with ideas or suggestions to initiate movement in people.

Creative dance encourages a collaborative relationship between therapists and participants. Using the session like a laboratory, they jointly experiment and play with movement; the less conventional the idea or movement, the richer and more exciting the experience. As people freely improvise movements, intuition comes into play—the body thinks aloud, brainstorming movements that are based on certain needs or feelings of the individual. There are no judgments on whether a movement is right or wrong. In fact, movers constantly receive acknowledgment for delineating their creative ideas through movement.

What about people who find it difficult to dance?

Sessions that demand creativity automatically make people more involved with the theatre of life and its innumerable movement possibilities. Much of the source material for creative dance is derived from nature, the streets or marketplaces. For example, for adults who have trouble externalising their emotions, the therapist might make emotional expression as the theme of a session. To begin with, participants might emulate walks or body postures expressing rage or disgust they might have seen in public spaces. As they get comfortable with imitation, they might be asked to show how they would express these emotions in their own daily life.

The process of going from the imitative to the improvisational makes it easier for participants to express themselves. In a session with teenagers who are passive and withdrawn, a facilitator might use a more playful strategy to elicit movements. The group might be asked to imitate birds in motion. Many may or may not be able to do this. So the next time they see birds in flight they would observe their movements more closely. The second time round, they may have a better idea of how to incorporate unusual details of a bird’s movements into their improvisation. These playful experiences become the building blocks on which creative dance therapy evolves.

There are some people who learn dance to become performers. Many others desire to dance for themselves, in which case it does not matter if a dance appears aesthetic or not, whether bodies are slim and streamlined or not and if bodies can make precise lines and shapes or not. Creative dance therapy provides an introspective and expressive experience in which, rather than a choreographed product, it is the therapeutics of dance that is of primary importance.

This was first published in the May 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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• Counselling is stigmatised as a process only for ‘crazy people’. So couples are offended by the thought of being put in that category.
• The counselling process may shed light on the person’s own imperfections and clearly mirror the role they might be playing in their relationship status. This is something they may fear seeing as it would mean moving out of one’s comfort zone and changing for the sake of saving the relationship.
• If either or both of the partners have an inflated sense of self and believe they do not need the counselling process or that they are perfectly capable of handling their own issues then it’s a dead end. They may even pride themselves on being highly evolved and consider themselves as counsellors to others.
• Some couples refuse to accept in the first place that there is a problem. They believe that people must view them as perfect and competent at all times.
• Irrational beliefs such as seeking help is a sign of weakness and giving help is superior than seeking help.

The truth, of course, is very different. If there is anything worse than having a problem, it is being in denial of having one, and therefore not seeking timely help. The better way to handle a problem between you and your partner would be to:

• Firstly become aware that there is a problem
• Acknowledge that something needs to be done about it
• Admit that you too are playing a role in causing or complicating the problem
• Accept that help is necessary to bring about necessary changes
• Access the necessary help
• Act in new ways facilitated by the counselling process

Is it the right time to reach out

Some signs that hint it’s time you sought the guidance of a competent counsellor are:

• Either one or both are of you are progressively feeling discontented and distant in the relationship as the reasonable relationship needs are not being fulfilled. Emotional and physical intimacy is getting eroded by the attitude and behaviour of the other.
• Communication is multiplying problems rather than facilitating solutions with either one or both not feeling emotionally received in the relationship.
• Core values and lifestyle choices are so different that both of you cannot find a way to be happy and at the same time together. A win-win solution eludes you.
• All attempts of decision-making on matters that affect both, end in a conflict or a stalemate.
• Active/passive aggression or depression is visible in either one or both of you [Though, you may need outside help to identify these signs].
• Either one of you voices unhappiness in the relationship or the inability to get through to the other.
• Either one or both of the partners ask for couple’s counselling as s/he finds herself/himself incapable of understanding the relationship dynamics. S/he is unhappy, confused, anxious or angry and truly wants clarity on various issues which s/he is unable to get through to the partner.

If one partner resists couselling

Couple’s counselling is helpful only if both access it of their own free will. It is important that neither one begrudges the other on the suggestion of counselling.
If there is displeasure or anger associated with the counselling process it will be counter-productive. Moreover, resistance is an indicator that the partner cares more about herself/ himself than the relationship and will not move from her/his stated position on all matters. The resistant partner would then have to assume total responsibility for further deterioration of the relationship.

Discomfort-anxiety [I should not be made uncomfortable] and ego-anxiety [I should not be viewed as imperfect] are two key impediments in the resistant partners. If the partner who seeks counselling is unable to get the other to gracefully and willingly seek help together, then couple’s counselling cannot proceed. Then the unhappy partner could through individual counselling evaluate whether s/he can ever find personal happiness in the relationship, even if the relationship itself is not a fulfilling one. Based on that evaluation the individual could then take a call to either stay back, or exit the relationship.

Preparing for the first session

If both partners are willing to humbly subject themselves to the process because they truly care for the relationship, then they need to individually write out the core issues that according to them need to be resolved. This should be done before the first appointment with the counsellor. They should put down their needs that are not being addressed by the other, their present and future concerns based on the present status of the relationship, as well as insight [if any] into how they might be contributing to the problems, and finally what are the deal-breakers [if any] in the relationship. Preparing individually and in advance could help make the first session a fruitful one. It also indicates that both are willing to actively participate in the counselling process and assume responsibility to fix things. They are not immaturely assuming that the counsellor will be the ‘expert’ who will ‘fix’ their marriage with them passively subjecting themselves to the process. Remember that without the willingness to do all that it takes to sort things between both of you, and to actively participate in the healing of the relationship the counselor alone cannot help. When it comes to saving a failing relationship the willingness to change old ways becomes most important.

Should we agree in advance on issues to be discussed with the counsellor

It is not necessary that both discuss and agree with each other in advance about what will be spoken to the counsellor, as you both may have differing views on the same. If one of them is uncomfortable with a certain issue being brought up with the counsellor it is usually because of ‘discomfort-anxiety’ or ‘ego-anxiety’ but it might be the issue that is the biggest contaminant in the relationship and therefore it necessary to be brought up in counselling. Moreover, a discussion about what will be brought in counselling might provoke another conflict even before seeing the counsellor. Therefore both should prepare individually, and speak freely and in an uninhibited way to the counsellor bringing up everything that concerns them in the relationship. A professional and discerning counsellor knows how to separate the wheat from the chaff, and focus on relevant issues that highlight the need for change in both. Therefore both should simply speak their minds.

How much should we tell the counsellor

Both need to implicitly trust the counsellor and be completely open and vulnerable if you are to be helped as individuals, and if the relationship issues are to be honestly evaluated and negotiated. Withholding any data regarding facts, feelings, thoughts, opinions, needs, fears, concerns or beliefs can only be detrimental to the counselling process, as the counsellor can only work with what you bring to the table. Therefore, if one truly has a will to grow and work on the relationship then s/he will resort to transparency.

Choosing the right counsellor

It goes without saying that the counsellor should be professional, ethical, non-judgmental, respectful, discerning, empathetic, as well as someone who is capable of holding a mirror to you by confronting you compassionately as and when needed. A discerning counsellor is like a potter who holds the pot and moulds it at the same time, who can unconditionally accept an individual separate from his traits, as well as confront him/her for those traits/behaviours that need to be transcended. The beneficent counsellor is one helps with insight into yourself and is willing to struggle with you to nurture your growth.

It is best to go to a counsellor who comes recommended by others who can vouch that they have been truly helped. A good counsellor is one who herself is living effectively. Just as you would not take a cough medication from one who is coughing himself, similarly you need to find out about the counsellor before seeking help. There are many who set up shop and preach what they do not practise. Only one who nurtures healthy relationships in one’s own life will be competent and effective in helping you live effectively and nurture healthy relationships.

Finally, I repeat that for couple’s counselling to be effective both partners must have the ‘will to nurture a healthy relationship’, and the counsellor must have the ‘will to dedicate’ herself to such growth in both partners.

This was first published in the December 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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