One day, a professor in biology class in school got a butterfly cocoon to class and kept it on his desk. It was in full view of every one and he instructed the class to observe the cocoon carefully and not to disturb it in any way. He left the class soon after. Before leaving, however, he repeated his instructions. During the time the professor was gone, the shell started vibrating and slowly a crack appeared in it. Excited, the class came in for a closer look. Slowly the crack spread and the wings of the butterfly appeared. The butterfly was struggling to break free and seemed to be having a tough time doing it. One child, taking pity on it, went forward and broke the shell, freeing the butterfly. The butterfly quivered around for a few seconds and then fell dead on the table.

The whole class was shocked and in despair they sped to call their teacher. The teacher was neither surprised nor angry. He calmly asked to be told what had happened. The child who had broken the shell stood up and explained his actions, that he could not bear to see the butterfly struggling and wanted to help. Once he was done, the teacher patiently explained how the struggle for release was part of the birthing process and essential to the survival of the butterfly. The child in his eagerness to help had only caused the insect to lose its life.

Your children are like this butterfly and the child helping it in the story can easily be replaced in real life by our parents. Some parents I have seen just can’t resist the urge to go rushing in to help their child or to give in to their teen’s demands all too easily. If you are rich then you’ll probably think, “What the heck, I can afford it,” and of course no one can bear to see their child unhappy even for a nanosecond. This is natural. The moment the child’s face drops, it’s an invisible command to the parents, who feel obliged to dig into their pockets for some monetary compensation.

Some parents can’t resist the urge to go rushing in to help their child or to give in to their teen’s demands all too easily

They open their wallets and surrender their credit cards to the child’s whims and fancies. They end up making the store owners richer and spoiling their child’s life. If only some parents knew better.

Your teen is as responsible as you allow him/her to be

The results of my survey across several schools and colleges reveal that teenagers are neither as helpless nor as thoughtless as they are often made out to be. They are, on the contrary, quite mature, despite their constant demands and whimsical behaviours. The question asked in the survey was:

When you make demands on your parents, reasonable or unreasonable, what should your parents do?

1. Parents should comply and meet with every single demand that I make because I know what is best for me.
2. Parents should comply with only those demands that they feel are reasonable.
3. Parents should comply with demands in accordance with their budget.
4. Parents should not comply with any of my demands.

Parents would be relieved to know that 77 per cent of teens opted for option ‘b’. Be assured, your self-centred and demanding brat is actually a reasonable and mature individual at heart. So next time you are plagued with, “Buy me this or buy me that,” tell your teen you will think about it and let her/him know later. If it appears to be a wasteful expenditure tell her/him that. Chances are that it is a fleeting fancy and s/he also will forget about it.

Be assured, your self-centred and demanding brat is actually a reasonable and mature individual at heart

Why we ‘actually’ want what we want

While on the one hand there are teens who love to shop, there are others, like me, who detest entering stores to buy things, especially when accompanied by parents. I am in odium of the very act of wasting so much time. However, one needs to buy things and thus the trip to the mall. But as a teen who knows how to get his way, I ensure the trips don’t last long and take minimum effort. What I do is employ a simple tactic of pestering my mother to buy me things. So at every shop she wants to visit, I find myself something worth buying, but not something I need or even want. The result is that by the time we reach shop number three my mom is quite tired of saying no and wary of when I might kick up a scene [which I almost never do]. In the end, she just says, “Okay let’s quickly get our things, it’s getting late.” So we buy what we wanted to buy in the first place and make a hasty exit. Mission accomplished. This tactic, although hard on my mother I admit, works better than nagging her to be quick about her window shopping and it also saves me from some scolding.

While my story does demonstrate the will of any average, intelligent teenager, it also tells parents that we don’t always want what we are asking for. Hence, it is usually quite easy to dissuade us, if only you would give it a shot. If you are a parent who has allowed yourself to be bullied by the selfish monster at home, the future looks rather bleak. Most likely you will find the apple of your eye incapable of working and unable to survive amidst the fierce competition that exists in the workplace. When this kid grows up, s/he is yet to realise that the world is not as obliging or ever ready to shower money, clothes and gizmos on him/her as his/her parents. S/he will learn eventually, but the hard way. Please do your teen a favour and save him/her all this trouble. Poor souls, if only the indulgent parents hadn’t given in to every fanciful wish, life would have been easier for them! Giving a kid those fancy toys that are soon lying in the trash will seem pretty pointless in retrospect.

What to do when your teen makes a demand

We teenagers can sometimes make your life miserable and that’s why I am sharing my thoughts with you. Many a times I am as difficult as I can be with everyone around me. This is especially when I spy an irresistible pair of Air Jordan’s or those sparkling Nikes on the shelf, which look so enticing that it’s unfair. I may still be wearing my last Nike purchase, but that will not deter me from wanting the pair on the shelf. Or a PlayStation 4 or an Xbox 360 or other stuff of which teenage fantasies are made.

I may still be wearing my last Nike purchase, but that will not deter me from wanting the pair on the shelf

So, what is the best way for a parent to handle it?

Assess whether your teen’s demand is practical and necessary. Evaluate the situation yourself. Understand the product and its usage. If the demand is based on a whim that your child would forget about in three days, then there is no point in spending thousands over it. Say a firm “No!” Do not get angry or shout at him/her. Tell him/her politely that it is out of your range and you won’t be able to buy it. If s/he really desires a product, you can set a goal for your teen to achieve and give the desired object as a reward for achieving the goal. However, a word of caution, never promise something that you don’t intend to give.

Always think of the butterfly, keep targets and encourage your teen to achieve them. That way everyone is happy—you, the teen, and probably the salesman. It’s always Christmas!

However, life is not a piece of cake or a bed of roses. When you develop your child’s ability to struggle, you are preparing them for success, and once your teen stops expecting things to just drop in his/her lap, s/he will learn to work.

Adapted with permission from Teenage Blues, Parenting Clues by Anjaneya Mishra. Published by Jaico Books

This article was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Even at a glance, teenagers are in a constant process of change. They are growing both emotionally and physically; they are learning to develop an individual identity; discovering their interests; have more rigorous classes to keep up with in school. To an adolescent, that’s quite a lot of things to go through at once. Recognising that a teenager is experiencing all of the above can be a significant reason for establishing trust in the parent-child relationship.

What is trust?

Simply put, trust is viewed as one’s belief or confidence in another person’s general reliability, dependence or ability to accomplish a task. Even though trust is often seen as one person trusting another, it is always a two-way street. When built, trust is a mutual agreement and when broken, it is a rupture in the relationship. However, no matter how it is established, it can take just one poor decision to undo it. Instead of reacting to the trust-breaking action, parents need to recognise the situation and open new lines of communication to rebuild trust with their teen. Just like trust building is a collaborative process, so is trust repairing.

Even though trust is often seen as one person trusting another, it is always a two-way street

ay and his parents had an agreement that Jay will study hard and get good grades in school. His parents trusted him to manage his time wisely, complete his assignments on time, and study. After one particularly difficult exam, Jay’s parents are notified from the school that he has been caught cheating in class and has been given a failing grade for not only the test, but also the class as a whole. Once his parents hear the news, they are shocked, confused and hurt that their son would ever do something so dishonest. They feel betrayed that Jay broke their trust and wonder whether they had been overly permissive as parents.

A [mindful] plan of action

First of all, remember that when trust is broken, a relationship is damaged but not destroyed. Like most things that are damaged, initiative can be taken to repair and rebuild.

Step 1: Get in touch with your emotions.

After realising that your teen broke your trust, you need to get in touch with your feelings. The best way to be mindful in the moment is to stop and ask yourself questions about your emotional experience. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Give yourself time to bring your emotions into your conscious awareness. You may be feeling angry, ashamed or worried. Allowing for a mindful, non-judgmental noticing of your feelings is the first step to not reacting to whatever your teen did to break your trust. Reacting on your anger without awareness of the feeling can result in parental decisions that further hurt the relationship with your child.

Step 2: Notice your emotional action urge.

In order to continue your stream of mindfulness, bring into awareness what your emotion urges you to do. Ask yourself, “What does this feeling make me want to do?” Getting in touch with this urge is extremely important since the purpose of encouraging your teen to rebuild trust is to not engage in this emotionally-driven impulse.

Allowing for a mindful, non-judgmental noticing of your feelings is the first step to not reacting to whatever your teen did to break your trust

Step 3: Look at initial outcomes.

“What sort of outcome would this emotional urge lead to?” The purpose of this step is to realise that acting on your initial emotional reaction can possibly lead to harmful consequences for you and your teenager. By allowing time to explore these outcomes, you give yourself the ability to brainstorm new ways of approaching the situation.

Step 4: Brainstorm alternatives and collaborative conversations.

Now you can brainstorm new strategies and alternatives. Come up with a plan before you speak to your teen. Firstly, avoid using loaded statements such as, “I’ll never trust you again”. Instead, communicate by listening to your teen’s story. Listening to his/her story may give you a different perspective on why it happened. Find a balance between blaming your teen for his/her mistake and minimising his/her actions. Acknowledge together that your teenager is taking responsibility for his/her actions. Your role, as a parent is to encourage rebuilding by asking your teen what you can do to help. Come up with specific goals that both you and your teen can do to reconcile this breach of trust. This way you collaboratively make amends and allow your teen to feel supported and motivated for the future.

Your role, as a parent is to encourage rebuilding by asking your teen what you can do to help

The role of positive reinforcement

After having your collaborative conversation, encourage and positively reinforce any future rule-following or trust-building behaviour in which your teen engages. Be sure to let him/her know that you are willing to support and reward responsible behaviour.

Jay’s parents are aware that they feel personally hurt and betrayed by Jay’s actions at school. They notice that this hurtful feeling is making them want to act from a perspective of anger since they feel violated from his breach of trust. They blame themselves for possibly being too permissive with him in the past, and they notice the urges to yell, scream and blame him for his dishonesty. By taking the time to recognise their emotions and urges, Jay’s parents realise the possible outcomes of following through with their urges. By yelling at and blaming Jay, they will lower his self-esteem and cause him to possibly distrust or even withdraw from them in return. After brainstorming, Jay’s parents decide to talk to Jay about what happened. Keeping in mind any urges to yell or shout at him, they instead decide to listen to his story. They ask him, “What can we do to help so that this does not have to happen again?” Together, Jay and his parents work collaboratively to set goals, study routines and leisure time so that he is better prepared and less stressed for future exams.

Finally, remember that your teenager will make mistakes. As long as your teen keeps growing, he/she will continue to push your boundaries. From a teenager’s perspective, some of the most transformative experiences in their life are after parental reactions to these violations of trust. Keep in mind that rebuilding trust is not a burden that needs to be placed only on you or only on your child.

This was first published in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Having said that, it can be a challenging time for parents when they have to adapt to a child who suddenly seems to want their own space—it can leave them wondering why they are being pushed out. However, allowing your teenager privacy helps them to learn how to self-regulate, how to make more independent decisions and helps them along the path towards becoming an adult who can survive in the world without the constant need for their parent’s reassurance.

Top tips for dealing with your teenager’s need for privacy

Tip 1 Give them as much private space in your home as possible

If possible, allow them to have their own bedroom [with a door!]. If this isn’t possible, find a private corner in a part of your home for them where they have a lockable cupboard or drawers.

Tip 2 Hand over responsibility of this private space to your teenager

Don’t fear an untidy space. This teaches teens to regulate their space and take personal responsibility for managing it.

Tip 3 Never punish your teenager for wanting privacy

Parents can initially feel left out when your teenager starts to become more secretive. Don’t assume that this means your teen is hiding something from you. It is more about their wanting to be alone than the fact that they are hiding something specific. See this behaviour as normal and natural in their journey towards adulthood.

Tip 4 Provide a mobile phone or private area to speak on the phone

It is perfectly acceptable to place limits upon how often the phone can be used but having access to their own phone fosters healthy independence in your teenager. The more freedom you offer your teenager, the happier your relationship with them will be as they will appreciate your trust in them and there will be fewer opportunities for resentment to build.

Tip 5 If possible give them their own bathroom

Teenagers become extremely self-conscious and embarrassed about their bodies, and for this reason, it is a good idea to provide privacy. If possible, offering a teenager their own bathroom is ideal but a shared bathroom where there is guaranteed privacy is just as effective.

Tip 6 Offering privacy fosters a trusting relationship

Teenagers won’t always express appreciation but keep doing the right thing by allowing them some freedom and space. The more privacy and freedom you allow, the more your teenager will want to prove to you that they can be responsible.

Tip 7 Let some untruths go

This may seem counterproductive, but there will be some times when your teenager tells you a lie. I’m not talking about lies to do with their safety, staying out after their curfew or about the company they keep. I am referring to lies that are used to cover up embarrassment or inadequacies. Most teens lie but it is not meant in a malicious or evil way. Let them know that you want the truth and that lying isn’t condoned, but don’t make a huge deal over small untruths that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Learn to pick your battles.

Tip 8 Don’t take it personally if your teenager confides in someone outside the family

Watch your own interpretations and need to be constantly involved in your teenager’s life. It really is okay for them to have a confidante outside the core family circle. As long as this person seems mature and isn’t the local rebel who is always in trouble—leave your teen to get on with it. Even if this person isn’t the perfect role model, allowing your teen the freedom to choose his own friends helps him to learn to deal with different kinds of people. You can always be there, monitoring from a distance, but the more you let your teen make decisions for himself, the more their confidence will grow in their own abilities.

Tip 9 Be a good role model

It is extremely important not to be a hypocrite and to practice what you preach. If you ask your teenager not to lie, then do your best to live by this rule as well. Give yourself the same time-out and privacy that you let your teenager enjoy. Teenagers can be quite egocentric and may not respect your privacy whilst expecting you to keep your nose out of their affairs. Let them see that you too need time alone or that you need to keep some things private from them. Teenagers will constantly be watching your behaviour—how you treat others, how you deal with life’s challenges and how you deal with stress. Many of their behaviours will be learned from you.

Being a parent is a tough job and there is always this balance to be achieved between being protective and also encouraging independence. A parent’s job isn’t to shield their children from every possible challenge but to prepare them well for life as an adult where they will be able to take responsibility for themselves and learn to make decisions for themselves.

A teenager’s need for privacy is part and parcel of their growing independence. Show trust and respect your teenager’s need for their own space and privacy.

This was first published in the May 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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I was stood up yet again

But, as I was sitting in Starbucks, watching the minute hand move farther and farther away from six ‘o clock, I realised that I was mistaken. I had been stood up—again. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was in traffic, I thought to myself, even though I knew he lived five minutes away. I waited 45 minutes, hoping he would walk through those glass doors, apologising profusely for his lateness. But he didn’t show up. I was left to sit there alone, cruelly sandwiched between two couples. I could have called him for sure but I was tired of always calling people. For once, I wanted to be important enough for a man to remember.

As I drove home that evening, I didn’t cry. I wasn’t even angry. It was more like my heart was sighing, like it had already accepted the fact that I would never find a man, at least not one who cared about me and my feelings. If I had been prettier, would that have made a difference? I thought to myself. Maybe nicer eyes or clearer skin or bigger bust would have made him remember. But before I could descend into that well of self-doubt again, I heard his voice loud and clear—a seven-year-old saying to me, “Look for kindness.”

The rise and fall of my optimism

When I turned 33, I had felt like I had reached this pivotal age. I mean, Jesus died at that age. That was momentous. And here I was, still bitching and moaning that I didn’t have a man. Well, that year I was determined to do something different, something more proactive to change my single status. So I joined a dating service and I told all my friends that I was open to being set up.

The thing about starting a new project is that in the beginning, you’re so optimistic. I would say to myself, “Surely, in this sea of men, the one I want is out there looking for me.” But as the months dragged on, and the dates began to blend into one big bad date, I became less and less sure. By the middle of the year, a part of me had already given up.

One day, I was sitting with my seven-year-old nephew, bemoaning the state of my affairs. The poor kid had watched me come back from each date, looking depressed and feeling like love would never happen for me. “Look for kindness,” he said, trying to cheer me up.

“What?”

“Kindness, that’s what you need to look for, Aunty.”

I scoffed at him. I put on that air of what do you know, kid? I wasn’t about to take love advice from someone who thought the mall was a honeymoon destination or that fifty dollars was a lot of money to spend on a wedding ring. Didn’t he know? I was looking for kindness. I was trying to keep my heart open. But it just wasn’t working. Over the course of that year, I had been stood up more times then I’d like to count. One of the guys even fled the restaurant minutes after I arrived, saying that he had an emergency. And then, there were the weird ones like that one guy who thought it was a gallant show of affection to kiss my hand on the first date. There could not be enough hand sanitiser to get rid of that creepy feeling. My nephew didn’t get it. Who could blame him? He was seven. He was innocent to the storms of life. But in retrospect, it was me who didn’t get it.

Meet the 12-year-old sage

Of course, I ignored my nephew’s advice and kept pushing forward in dating. There were some high points I guess. It’s not like I didn’t experience kindness; I did. Men opened their car doors for me and made nice conversation but no one really seemed to care about getting to know me in particular. It was all surface stuff. At that point, I thought I was going to die an old maid. The week before I turned thirty-nine, I was weeping almost every day. “No!” I said to the universe, “I won’t turn 40 yet! Not until you give me what I want!” Now, the universe wasn’t going to listen to some bratty middle-aged woman who thought she deserved all the entitlement of a two-year-old.

When my birthday finally did arrive, no one wanted to go out with me. And I mean, no one. My parents finally convinced my nephew, age 12, to accompany poor aunty on her day out. Looking back on that day now, I feel bad. I spent the whole time recounting the horrors of my love life. Our conversation went something like this, “And then I dated him. Oh, and that was a disaster.” But my nephew didn’t even flinch. He listened patiently and nodded his head at all the proper times. Next to me, the boy looked like a darn sage. By the end of the day, when he said to me, “I’m sure you’ll find someone, Aunty” I almost believed him.

Being kind, finally

But when I heard my nephew’s voice on that drive home, it finally clicked. When he said look for kindness, it wasn’t about the guys at all. It was about me being kind to myself. That kindness and thoughtfulness I was searching for I already had within me. I just needed to find it and nurture it. If I couldn’t find it in myself then I wasn’t ever going to find it in someone else. Over the next couple of weeks, I realised that I needed to take time to get to know me and fill up my own worth. I needed to take my self-worth out of the relationship equation. No one would get to determine that anymore except for me. I was going to be kind to myself regardless if I had a man in my life or not.

I couldn’t really be mad at the guy who stood me up. How could I? Now that I know myself better, I realised that him not showing up that night was more a reflection on him rather than on my own worth. Yes, I was stood up again, but this time, it wasn’t my fault. In the end, he didn’t see all that he was missing. Thank goodness, I did.

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