When did you realize that dancing is what you wanted to do?

Terence Lewis: From the tender age of five itself, I knew it. I loved to dance and entertain people; I liked to see the happy faces of my family every time I would break in to an act. As a child, I picked up most of my dancing from watching dance moves on television.

You met with a lot of obstacles before you finally tasted success. What kept you going in those years?

Terence Lewis: My own inner strength kept me going. I faced hardships from very early on in life, but I think they were a blessing, disguised as challenges. They taught me to rely only on myself, be it financially or emotionally. Later, as my team of dancers and my creative team grew, they took my dream to an altogether new level. They too had similar goals as I. They are the true heroes who helped me realize my dream of making dance education accessible under one roof in Mumbai and also spread awareness about Contemporary dance.

Besides dancing, in what way do you love to express yourself?

Terence Lewis: Any form of art is a canvas for me to express myself… whether it is writing, acting, decorating or designing. I would say I am an artist in the true sense. But in whatever I do, I strive to excel, nothing about me is mediocre. And I cannot tolerate mediocrity even in others.

In dance reality shows, does it ever happen that competition kills creativity?

Terence Lewis: Well, it all depends on how the participant looks at it. When it is taken to an extreme where one is only focusing on winning, based on what the audience or judges want to see, then creativity could be marred. Yet, if you focus on the art and take competition in the correct sense, knowing that it is a challenge, creativity gets heightened.

Who is your inspiration?

Terence Lewis: I am inspired by almost anyone who is honest, hardworking and has a dream that he or she wants to see realized.

What are the values that you cherish most in life?

Terence Lewis: A never-give-up attitude is what I cherish the most. In addition, honesty and forgiveness are values that rate high on my list.

With your experience of being a mentor and teacher to many aspiring dancers, what qualities are essential for any teacher?

Terence Lewis: As a teacher, one has to be humble. You can never compete with your own students, no matter how good they may be. In the process, every teacher also learns something from his or her own students. It is always a give and take relationship.

Can you tell us about the tattoo you sport on your chest?

Terence Lewis: It’s a Sanskrit shloka. It’s about invoking the God within, to help one move from unreal to real, from darkness to light and from mortality to immortality.

Dancing is said to be the closest metaphor to God. Your view on this?

Terence Lewis: Every time I am moved by a performance or a piece of art, I see God in it. God is in the details and only a person who is close to God can bring out the finest points and the finest detailing. Dance unifies the dancer with the Universe… the Maker. When we give a performance that touches another soul, you know it is God’s message being conveyed to us.

What do you do when you’re feeling low, sad or angry?

Terence Lewis: When I am low, I do kriya yoga. I also read or listen to soothing chants or any audio tapes of Sadhguru.

Would you say you have discovered your life’s purpose?

Terence Lewis: I think we are constantly changing and evolving as a race. As we walk our paths, we seek to fulfil different purposes in our lifetime. For me, the search continues…

Finally, what are the lessons that dance has taught you?

Terence Lewis: When you dance, especially contemporary dance, in a way, you’re telling the world your story. And remember, body movements don’t lie. If you are tired, it shows. When you are exuberant, it shows. Like they say… Yeh joh public hai yeh sab jaanti hai (Public knows everything).

Dance has taught me humility, as a dancer or an artist, we learn that only through practice and perseverance can one excel in his or her art. And yet if you want people to notice your art, you need the best marketing and sales manager (smiles).

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Are you ready to give yourself that choice

Most people don’t dare give themselves that choice because they think it’s not under their control. Someone might say, “Well, of course I want to be happy, but my wife left me.” In other words, they want to be happy, but not if their wife leaves them. But that wasn’t the question. The question was, very simply, “Do you want to be happy or not?” If you keep it that simple, you will see that it really is under your control. It’s just that you have a deep-seated set of preferences that gets in the way.

Let’s say you’ve been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, but you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens the door, looks at you and says, “Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you want something to eat? What would you like?” Now the truth is, you really don’t care what they give you. You just utter the word “food.” And because you really mean it when you say you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental preferences. The same goes for the question about happiness. The question is simply “Do you want to be happy?” If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is “Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens?”

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. It’s not a question of whether your happiness is under your control. Of course it’s under your control. It’s just that you don’t really mean it when you say you’re willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn’t happen, or as long as that does happen, then you’re willing to be happy. That’s why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You don’t have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don’t have to renounce the world. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to awakening as could possibly exist.

The path to happiness is all about choices

Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, something inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your commitment is exactly what stimulates spiritual growth. In fact, it is the unconditional aspect of your commitment that makes this the highest path. It’s so simple. You just have to decide whether or not you will break your vow. When everything is going well, it’s easy to be happy. But the moment something difficult happens, it’s not so easy. You tend to find yourself saying, “But I didn’t know this was going to happen. I didn’t think I’d miss my flight. I didn’t think Sally would show up at the party wearing the same dress that I had on. I didn’t think that somebody would dent my brand-new car one hour after I got it.

The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from your experiences. You were not put on Earth to suffer

Things are going to happen. The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from your experiences. You were not put on Earth to suffer. You’re not helping anybody by being miserable. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience.

This path leads you to absolute transcendence because any part of your being that would add a condition to your commitment to happiness has got to go. If you want to be happy, you have to let go of the part of you that wants to create melodrama. This is the part that thinks there’s a reason not to be happy. You have to transcend the personal, and as you do, you will naturally awaken to the higher aspects of your being.

In the end, enjoying life’s experiences is the only rational thing to do. You’re sitting on a planet spinning around in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Go ahead, take a look at reality. You’re floating in empty space in a universe that goes on forever.

This choice to enjoy life will lead you through your spiritual journey. In truth, it is itself a spiritual teacher.

Adapted with permission from the book The Untethered Soul – The Journey Beyond Yourself by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. The Untethered Soul® is a registered trademark of Shanti Publications, Inc.

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In a little story, we read that the Angels asked God if there was anything in the world stronger than rocks.

“Yes,” answered God, “stronger than rocks is iron; for iron can break rock.”

“Is there anything stronger than iron?” asked the Angels.

And the Lord answered, “Fire; for iron may be melted in fire.”

“Anything stronger than Fire?” asked the Angels.

And the Lord said, “Yes, water; for fire is quenched by water.”

“Anything stronger than water?” the Angels asked again.

And the Lord answered, “Yes, wind; for wind may scatter water.”

“Anything stronger than wind?” asked the Angels.

“Yes,” said the Lord, “sympathy is stronger. And nothing there be that is stronger than the compassionate heart.”

I believe that in the coming years, compassion, maitri, will be the key to the new social order. Today, our hearts have become hard as stones. But once our hearts are lit with devotion and love, the hard crust falls off. When the heart is filled with love it becomes soft, it acquires the capacity to sympathise and empathise with those in sorrow and suffering and with those in distress.

I would describe compassion as the crown of all virtues. I believe it is this quality that takes us closest to the Divine within each one of usCrown of virtues

Here is a beautiful but simple definition of compassion that a friend shared with me: “Compassion is the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it.”

I would describe compassion as the crown of all virtues. I believe it is this quality that takes us closest to the Divine within each one of us. When we practise, not just feel, compassion, when we go out of ourselves to reach out to others and alleviate their suffering, we rise to the Highest Self in us. Need I say that at such times, negative feelings of strife and disharmony are totally nullified in our hearts and minds? And when more and more of us practise the divine quality of compassion, will our world not move towards lasting peace?

Compassion is the root of every religion. Because compassion brings with it kindness, it brings love, it brings fellowship, and it brings service. A man whose heart is filled with compassion is a friend of all, he is kind and loving to all. Such a man is kind not only to human beings but even to birds, animals and insects.

Can you read? Then read to a blind student. Can you write? Then write a letter, fill a form for someone who is not as lucky as you are

Everyone has something to give

Albert Schweitzer was always pained to hear people say, “If only I were rich, I would do great things to help and serve others.” He would promptly point out to them that all of us could be rich in love, generosity and compassion; and that we could always extend our loving care and compassion to others. This, he said, was worth more than all the money in the world!

All of us have something to give. Let us give what we can to others—our time, our talent and know-how, our effort, our understanding, our love, our concern, our sympathy, our smiles. Let us give with love and compassion. Even if one man is comforted by your words, even if one woman’s broken heart is healed by your understanding, even if one soul’s misery is wiped out by your kindness—you have made a difference!

Can you read? Then read to a blind student. Can you write? Then write a letter, fill a form for someone who is not as lucky as you are. If you are not very hungry, share your food with someone who is. If you are at peace with yourself, reach out to those who are in pain and disturbed by their suffering.

The distinguished American author and lecturer, Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

As the Dalai Lama says, “If you want others to be happy, practise compassion. If you want to be happy, practise compassion.”

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I had been living a life of spiritual ecstasy on the banks of the sacred Ganga River for several months at that point and undergoing indescribable experiences of divine Oneness. I had tears of bliss streaming down my face and felt touched by a power and presence I had never imagined possible. Despite it all, I had, just on that day in December 1996, reacted to a situation as an “unawake”, victimised, ego-centric child.

What had happened?

When my Guru used the words “stupid” and “smart” to slap me awake, He was not referring to a lack or abundance, of knowledge, ability and talent, nor was He referring to my grades by which I had always judged my scholastic prowess.

Rather, He was referring to the presence or absence of gyan, of real wisdom in my life. The paradox of his statement made it clear that although I was “smart” both in the traditional IQ-testing way and also in the deeper way of having experiential understanding of the Truth, nonetheless I was still “stupid” in my inability to bring that wisdom and spiritual experience into my patterned habits of reaction and victimisation. I may have had the wisdom and the experience, but I was still unable to use it consistently as the foundation of my actions and reactions.

How could I be so smart and so stupid at the same time?

Living an unaware life

Before coming to India, I had graduated with a degree in psychology from Stanford University and was enrolled in a psychology PhD programme; consequently, I spent most of my time entrenched in psychological study. When I came to India and was touched by the presence of the Divine, I discovered peace, bliss and ecstasy more real than I had ever imagined. All the psychological theories, processes and insights paled in comparison to the magnitude of the experiences I was given. It was as though the waters of Ganga rushed over my own challenges and neuroses just as easily as She rushes over the rocks in the riverbed, carrying away remnants of suffering from the past.

Then, the ‘incident’ occurred and I burst into tears like a wounded eight-year-old. Suddenly my tears were not of joy, peace, or Truth, but of fear, grasping and yearning. I was not a 25-year-old swimming in spiritual ecstasy—I was a scared, wounded child. And all it took was for someone to act in a way that pushed my buttons.

As my Guru stared at me with a mixture of compassion, omniscience and incredulousness, He refused to let me sink back into my well-rehearsed role of victim. Rather, He forced me to really look at what was going on. How could I be so smart and so stupid at the same time?

While the spiritual path and the psychological path are deeply interwoven and interconnected, one does not substitute or exempt us from the other

I’m not ‘done’ yet

Jack Kornfield, a renowned Buddhist meditation teacher coined the phrase ‘spiritual bypass’. It is a very tempting short-cut to what appears to be an enlightened life. The concept of a spiritual bypass is that when one has deep spiritual experiences of Oneness, it is very easy to think that one is ‘done’ as far as inner work is concerned. If I’ve merged into the experience of Samadhi, bliss, and union in my meditation or prayers or in the presence of my Guru, then I’m ‘done’. My only goal becomes having that experience more frequently and for longer periods of time.

This is fine if one is living in the jungle, doing nothing but meditation and interacting with no one. Problems arise when one lives in the world and has to relate to other people—all of whom have their own issues, fears, egos and desires. Suddenly and tragically for many of us, we realise that having had the deep, ecstatic experience of the divine does not necessarily make us any more equipped to respond to our family members and colleagues with love, compassion and understanding or to overcome the neuroses we’ve had since childhood.

Interconnected, not exempt

While the spiritual path and the psychological path are deeply interwoven and interconnected, one does not substitute or exempt us from the other. Just as a deep psychological process, full of insight and growth, is a far cry from a deep spiritual awakening, similarly the experience of Grace does not exempt us from having to look at our own anger, jealousies, egos and fears.

Many of us know people who do rounds of japa on their mala every day, or spend hours in meditation, and yet who are provoked by the slightest insult or upset. We see people who perform extensive pujas and yet are not able to get along with the people around them, or who abuse alcohol or drugs or gamble or have promiscuous sex or simply suffer from insecurity and depression.

Psychological work without spiritual experience can become a quagmire of darkness

Meditation, prayers, japa, puja, kirtan are all matchlessly wonderful ways of connecting to the divine, of experiencing the wholeness, the completeness, the fullness and perfection within the Self. But, in most cases, they are neither instant cures nor are they magic wands that make our problems go away. What they give us is a palpable understanding that we are more than our childhoods, our addictions, our depression and certainly more than our fallible body. They connect us to a Self that was never abused, betrayed, abandoned or deprived. They give us that touch of the sun’s warmth, which makes a tree defy gravity and grow horizontally rather than vertically just to get nearer to that light. But we have to do the same work as the tree—we have to continue to grow!

Behind the veil

Psychological work without spiritual experience can become a quagmire of darkness. It is easy to sink into the quicksand of our own histories, wounded identities, fears and desires, to live and relive them over and over again. Yet, a fearless inquiry into our own motivations, reactions, compulsions and anxieties is a great companion on the spiritual path. A willingness to look with honest inquiry into our own failings while simultaneously being aware of our ultimate divinity opens the door to a much deeper experience of the Self.

On every spiritual path being present is hailed as the magic key. Whether it’s a path focussed directly on awareness, like vipassana and insight-based meditation, or whether it’s a path more focussed on bhakti, gyan or karma, in every path, we are exhorted to “be present” and “stay in the present moment.” When we are present, we are aware. When we are aware, we can heal. When we are aware, we witness the anger, witness the ego, witness the longing, the grasping, the pushing, the slipping into familiar habits and roles, witness the repetition of decades-old scripts. None of it is wrong or bad or impure. It is merely ignorance or, as my Guru said so unabashedly, “stupidity”. Fortunately, that ignorance has been, in my experience, very much like the wizard in the Wizard of Oz, terrifying when veiled, huge when projected, but human and ever so manageable when brought into the light.

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No doubt, we want a partnership where we get along well, share common interests, and enjoy emotional satisfaction and sexual fulfilment. Perhaps there is a deeper spiritual quality of intimacy that we sense is possible, but are not sure how to nourish.

Spirituality and meditation are usually seen as an individual practice—a path toward inner peace or enlightenment. But how deep is our spiritual attainment if it doesn’t embody how we relate to one another? What needs to happen within ourselves and between us as a couple in order to actualise our longing for a deeper spiritual connection?

A spiritually-oriented partnership offers an opportunity to open our heart, deepen our compassion, and expand our connection with life through the vehicle of intimate partnership.

These are a few ways that can help you develop spiritual intimacy with your beloved

1. Seeing our partner with fresh eyes

We want to be recognised for the precious, radiant beings that we are. To ‘see’ our partner means glimpsing their beautiful essence; it means to appreciate the blessing of engaging with the sacred life force that flows through them. Viewing our partner with fresh and engaging eyes draws our loved one towards us.

Seeing another also means dealing with their humanity—attending to their feelings and needs. When our intention is to understand and accept our partner, he or she can sense our interest and caring. But love is more than good intentions; it thrives in a climate of non-judgmental attention. Love fosters a deeper intimacy as we extend our compassionate attention toward another’s world just as it is.

What you can do

One way to put your good intentions into practice is by making gentle inquiries, such as, “Please help me understand more how you are feeling about that. What do you need or want? Tell me more about what is happening inside you. I really want to understand you better.” Asking sincere questions with a tender tone of voice means putting aside your own judgments or ideas about your loved one. Empty yourself of preconceptions and remain open to surprises. Inquiring with wonder and curiosity creates a sacred space for a deeper intimacy to unfold.

2. Allowing ourselves to be seen

We allow ourselves to be seen; we take intelligent risks to reveal what’s in our heart. This means tenderly sharing our feelings when we are hurt, sad, lonely, or afraid. Building a relationship based on a sacred trust means feeling free to reveal what is vulnerably alive inside us. Trust means that we don’t need to hide.

Most people realise that good communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship; but effective communication is possible only if we are self-aware. This implies that we courageously reveal what we’re experiencing inside without blaming, shaming or attacking.

What you can do

Instead of an angry, critical comment such as, “Why do you always come home late? I never see you anymore,” take the time to pause, go inside, and mindfully uncover what you’re really feeling: “I’m missing you; I feel sad that we haven’t had much time together; I need more relaxed time with you.” This self-revealing communication is more likely to draw our partner toward us.

3. Living with an accessible, authentic heart

Seeing another person and letting ourselves to be seen require that we live with an open and accessible heart. This means getting out of our head and staying connected with our body.

A meditation or spiritual practice can help us build our relationships by making us feel more centred in our spiritual depths. Once we find inner stillness, we have more attention available for sacred listening—attuning to what our partner is experiencing. Rather than using meditation to withdraw from intimacy, we find a rhythm between attending to ourselves, which allows us to feel more peaceful, and attending to our partner from a calm and balanced place.

Resting in our quiet depths and undefended heart, we’re more able to be present with another person. Deep mutual presence opens the door to a deeply abiding and nourishing intimacy. Being together and breathing together opens us to share the sacred mystery of being alive.

What you can do

One way to connect more deeply with yourself is through a method called Focusing. This is a type of mindfulness practice developed through Dr Eugene Gendlin’s research at the University of Chicago in the 1970s. Similar to Vipassana, the essence of Focusing is being gently present with all your emotions. Make room for the full range of your feelings and longings just as they are—free of self-judgment. Accepting and honouring yourself as you are creates a foundation for accepting your partner ’as they are’. It helps you to honour your differences and cherish each other.

4. Letting in love

Many of us have blocks to receiving deeply. We may think we’re being selfish if we allow ourselves to receive love. Or, we might feel shame to relish intimate contact because we think we don’t deserve it or we’re simply not accustomed to it.

What you can do

It’s a gift to your partner to receive what he or she offers. They feel valued when their attention, love, and eye contact is received graciously. When you relish a sacred moment of giving and receiving, the line between the giver and receiver disappears. A new spiritual depth opens as giving and receiving flows simultaneously through you and your beloved.

It takes courage to uncover and reveal our deepest longings and authentic feelings. As two people practise this path with a patient and sincere heart, a sweet and tender spiritual intimacy unfolds. As an added bonus, as we develop the awareness and skills to connect with each other, we help build a world that is more peaceful and responsive to each other’s tender hearts.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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