To me, being practical means conforming to the standards of thought and behaviour that the society has agreed as “safe”. Commonly, the advice is used to mean that if you do what you feel like doing, instead of what is considered practical, you will fail or produce an undesirable outcome.

Granted, you lower your risk by being practical and playing safe—but in the bargain you forsake any chance of achieving great success.

Our society places so much emphasis on being practical that unless we gather the courage and go against the tide, we end up being safe… and sad. For example, I don’t remember ever being encouraged to pursue my passions. Instead, the counsel I have received from well-meaning people has always tended to push me into making career decisions that will ensure that my future is “secure”. Not happy, mind you, but secure. Somehow security has come to represent happiness when all it means is avoidance of uncertainty, which many people find unpleasant.

Avoiding sadness ≠ Being happy

Over time, I have figured that being practical is often the difference between what you could’ve done and what you actually did. It means missed opportunities, suppressed emotions, and often—for a majority of people—a life full of regrets. So what’s the point of being practical if it leaves you unfulfilled? Is your goal to avoid sadness or to experience happiness?

Given a choice between being happy and being practical, I always choose happiness. I am aware that not every choice I make will end up working out my way. But the risk is worth it. At least I have the satisfaction that I made the choice NOT because it was safe but because it made me happy. That way, the pain of failures or undesired outcomes is something I am prepared for. Besides, it’s frees me from the bondage of practicality.

It’s worth remembering that some of the world’s most admired businesses today were once “impractical” ideas of a few freakish entrepreneurs. Some of the life-changing inventions were labelled as “foolish pursuits of crazy scientists”.  But then, like happiness, even greatness is impractical.

The post Happiness is not practical appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sandhya suffers from hidden depression. Most of us have some idea of the symptoms of depression—those persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest in people and activities, a negative mindset toward situations, decreased appetite and sudden weight loss. What is less known is that several people suffer from severe depression without showing any of these signs. So, how do we recognize if a loved one is suffering from hidden depression?

How to Recognize If Your Loved One Has Hidden Depression

Here are some characteristic features that could indicate that a person you know and care about needs help:

Enforced Joie-de-Vivre

Like Sandhya, such people always put on a happy face for the world. However, this is a façade. Deep down, they are suffering with feelings of utter desolation, which is so unbearable and unthinkable that they prefer to escape into a world of forced gaiety. If you are perceptive and observant, you will notice fleeting moments when the façade vanishes and you get a glimpse into the dismay that the person may actually be experiencing.

Erratic Sleeping and Eating Patterns

Most people with hidden depression have an odd relationship with food. You will often find them constantly eating, as though trying to fill up the void in their life with food. They will be especially drawn toward cakes, chocolates, or other sugary foods that create a temporary feeling of happiness and wellbeing.

They also suffer from fitful sleep patterns. Most of them are likely to be night owls, staying up till the wee hours and falling asleep with great difficulty. While they function reasonably well in the daytime, they may, on holidays, sleep through the entire day to make up for the lack of sleep.

Super-busy Lifestyle

They are constantly busy doing something. They are often energy powerhouses, flitting from one task to the other with a focus that may seem too intense to others. Keeping busy is a convenient way of keeping your feelings and emotions at bay, and these people have honed this art to perfection. Thus, you may find them taking on excessive responsibilities at work, at home and also having a full social calendar.

Elusive Aches and Pains or Chronic Fatigue

They often complain of vague aches and pains—headaches, backaches and stomach upsets being the most common. Or they may be in a state of perennial exhaustion, ready to crash physically at a moment’s notice.

Reckless Behavior

Play with fire is what people with hidden depression often love to do. They are casual, careless and flippant about their health, their safety and even their life. You may often notice them drinking excessively, clubbing or partying too much, driving too fast, spending too much, and generally treating themselves with a care-damn-attitude.

Uncharacteristic Emotional Outbursts

If your friend is normally a calm and grounded person, and has suddenly started having frequent and intense emotional outbursts, it could be an indicator that he or she is suffering from masked depression. Because these people typically run away from facing their emotions, there is usually an intense build-up of negative emotions, especially sadness and feelings of loneliness and emptiness. They may, at times, burst out at the slightest provocation, usually in the form of tears, or extreme rage and anger.

How to Help Someone Who Is Depressed

What should you do if you suspect someone you know and care about may be suffering from masked depression?

Suggesting to them that they might be suffering from depression may result in an outright denial and a further hardening of the mask. People with masked depression often have a hard time acknowledging their feelings and may be very ambivalent about seeking help or even admitting that they have a problem. In their weak moments, they may break down and admit to feelings of sadness, but in a short while, when the feeling has passed, they revert to the veneer that is so familiar. Let us look at some behaviours, actions and suggestions that you can offer, to help bring these people closer to the truth, and eventually, to getting the help they need:

• Model expression of emotions. Talk about your occasional negative feelings to them, thus silently communicating that it is okay to feel so.
• Whenever you notice the mask slipping, talk about it. If the person talks about something wistfully, encourage him or her to go on talking about what feelings are being experienced.
• Don’t allow them to distract you by their gaiety. If you notice them laughing at themselves, or making fun of themselves, calmly mention that it is not funny, and that there is no reason for them to deride themselves all the time.
• Provide unconditional positive regard and acceptance. This is one of the most fundamental of human needs. Making them feel good about themselves and their lives will go a long way in helping them feel supported.
• If it is a close family member, gently urge them to slow down. Offer to help them with the busy schedules they have created for themselves. Help them create free time in their routine; this will force them to stop and think about where they are headed emotionally.
• Encourage them to take up a hobby. Music, yoga, running, painting… Any of these, if pursued with a passion, are deeply meditative and centring activities, and will help them in a big way to get in touch with their emotions.
• Finally, when they are ready, urge them to seek professional help. Help them to understand that depression is not a sign of weakness; it’s a medical issue that requires intervention. Support them as they take their first steps toward recovery.

As you can see, hidden depression is, in some ways, more challenging than overt depression. Getting the person to acknowledge deep feelings of sadness and emptiness, helping them understand that this is a problem that needs help and getting them the help are issues that can create challenges. Yet, with the right support and encouragement of family, friends and loved ones, this mask can be torn off and the inner demons can be faced, fought and defeated.

The post How to Help a Loved One Suffering From Hidden Depression appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sadness, anger, and fear are normal human emotions. They are natural reactions when we experience hurt and losses [sadness], injustice and violations [anger], and threats to our survival [fear].

The problem begins when we don’t express our emotions in a healthy way. To compensate this, our minds go in predictable directions. With sadness, we feel poorly about ourselves; with anger, we don’t accept other people and things as they are; and with fear, we catapult out of the present and into the past, future, or use global generalities.

Allowing our minds to entertain these ‘bad attitudes’ only perpetuates sadness, anger and fear.

This is what has happened to people that I affectionately call ‘chronic criers.’ They’ve reached a stage in their life where they don’t honour and respect themselves. They ceased to love themselves. People who repeatedly cry for long periods of time have experienced so much hurt and loss, but they haven’t processed their sadness constructively. Every time something happens in the present, their past experiences are triggered and they feel the hurt and losses anew. But because they keep thinking negative things about themselves while crying, the sadness becomes a bottomless pit.

The pros and cons of crying

The good news is that chronic criers cry and tears wash them clean. They’re allowing the physical energy out of their bodies.

But the bad news is that while crying they keep telling themselves negative things about themselves, such as “I’m such a loser. I’m little and can’t do anything about what happened. I’m unlovable. There must be something wrong with me.” Because they think these kinds of thoughts, they never move through their sadness and experience the joy that’s waiting, just out of reach.

We must understand that emotions—sadness, anger, and fear—are nothing more than pure physical sensations in the body. Just think about the word ‘emotion.’ It is really E + motion, energy in motion. If a chronic crier allows himself to release that energy from his body in a pure way, he’ll stop crying so much and set the stage to return to a joyous self.

Crocodile tears are good

When young children cry, they’re not trashing themselves. There are no words. They’re expressing their emotions cleanly. Whether it is when they skin their knee, or when they don’t want to go to bed on being told to, or when they have just broken their toy. What do they do? They sob. They bawl. And afterwards? They get over it and return to their present, happy, curious, loving selves. We need to follow their lead.

When people become chronic criers it’s because they entertain the following four kinds of predictable thoughts about themselves every time they cry and in between.

1. They are unworthy
2. They need other people to approve of them
3. They make negative self-judgements
4. They think of themselves as small, hopeless, and helpless.

To change the pattern, you’ve got to start crying cleanly. That means wail and weep as though crocodile tears are flowing. But do not think badly about yourself or think thoughts that make you feel more pathetic and depressed. While crying, you must doggedly interrupt those negative thoughts or state something like “It’s okay that I feel sad; It’s okay to cry. I’m fine.”

Say this to yourself when you cry

Most chronic criers have low self-esteem because over and over they’ve thought badly about themselves. It’s crucial that you write down exactly what you’re telling yourself while crying and then find some opposing truths to substitute, both while you are crying and in between.

Below is a list of ‘Reliable Truths’ that counter a good proportion of your negative self-talk about yourself. Pick a couple that resonate with you and repeat them over and over—while crying, or even any other time. I tell my clients that 100,000 reps will do the job because that will counter the countless times you’ve told yourself the opposite.

Reliable Truths to honour yourself and move from sadness to joy:

• I am whole and complete.
• What I’m seeking is within me.
• My job is to take care of myself.
• I am alone, and I am connected.
• I love myself regardless of what I do.
• Life is for learning. We all make mistakes.
• I’m doing the best I can. I did the best I could.
• If I knew then what I know now, I would have done it differently.
• My viewpoints and needs are as valid as anyone’s.
• I am responsible for what I think, feel, and do.
• I can do this.

If you have a powerful substitute or two on the ready, and you diligently practise the method, you’ll continue to cry when you feel sad but the tears will pass. If you still cry more than you like, either accept that as a reality and cry proudly, keeping your negative thoughts on the shelf, or seek a trained professional to work on some of the issues that are keeping you in tears.

And if you happen to be around a chronic crier, what they really need is appreciation to help offset all those crummy messages they have been telling themselves. So be lavish and genuine in your praise. Keep reminding them of what they have forgotten—that they are wonderful human beings.

The post Do you cry too often? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.