What anxiety feels like

Your heart races; you get the sweats; your mind is uncontrollable, racing or forgetful; it’s difficult to concentrate. Your adrenal glands work overtime and you frequently have a “fight and flight” reaction. You feel as if at any moment you could malfunction or explode, so you avoid situations and people. Your emotions are out of control; the panic overcomes you and you may feel disconnected from your surroundings, dizzy, sick in the stomach, or have chest pains. Your sleep and appetite are disrupted, leaving you feeling unwell and exhausted. You get the drift…

How anxiety affects your life

Anxiety may impact your work, your relationships, your belief in yourself, and your trust in life. Many people with anxiety self-medicate or attempt to escape with drugs or alcohol which, in turn, lead to neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain. You feel mental, but you are not! You are a victim of circumstances; you are only suffering because an intolerable situation in your past has become deeply ingrained in your subconscious.

What causes anxiety

At the heart of most anxiety is trauma, sometimes from as long as 10 or 20 years ago. But the impact of the trauma is deeply ingrained in your subconscious, causing a fear-based belief system that has changed your perception of life while affecting your speech, behaviour, and reality.

Some possible reasons for your anxiety could be

1. Childhood abuse [physical, verbal or sexual]
2. Witnessing a traumatic incident
3. Being involved in a car accident
4. Negative thinking [habitual]
5. Abusive relationship [past or current]
6. Diagnosed conditions: Depression, OCD, PTSD, Personality Disorders, Bi-Polar, etc.,
7. Acquired brain injury or large blow to head
8. Past heavy drug or alcohol abuse
9. Past bullying
10. Past trauma when you felt powerless – Event or natural disaster

Impact of trauma

When traumatised, you will often have flashbacks, sleep disruption, nightmares; you will avoid people and places; you will feel anger, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and maybe even get thoughts of committing suicide.

When you have significant trauma, your body replays the traumas like a record player that is stuck – your trauma plays over and over. As a consequence, your body gets trapped in the world of triggers. You may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant, fearful, jumpy, on edge, and of course, angry. It doesn’t take much, and you are like a volcano erupting. Standard counselling techniques may not be enough to end this torment. Your anxiety may be the result of years of trauma, or it could be a part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD], where you have been in a life/death situation. Maybe you didn’t view an event as serious, but your mind/body are still having trouble resolving and processing this. You need an expert in trauma; someone who is trained in treating PTSD, or someone who works on three levels: Mind, Subconscious Mind and Body.

Coping with anxiety: 10 things you can do to help yourself right now

Listen to and challenge your thoughts

With over 70,000 thoughts per day, this is going to be a challenge. You have been programmed by friends, family, teachers, and the media, to see yourself and life a certain way—either negative or positive. You are also programming yourself every day. When coping with anxiety, it’s vital to listen to your thoughts, to ensure you are not criticising yourself or making incorrect assumptions about circumstances. You may need help, using CBT [Cognitive Behaviour Therapy] with a counsellor or psychologist, to improve your thoughts, to ensure you don’t get into the habit of ‘black and white’ thinking, etc., which inflames anxiety further.

Walk

Aim for at least three 30-minute brisk walks per week to improve the balance of serotonin and dopamine in your brain—these are essential for improving your sense of wellbeing. Also, when you exercise, you are actively reducing cortisol, which is a stress hormone that makes anxiety worse. In addition, exercise creates endorphins, which is nature’s way of making you feel great and make you emotionally more resilient.

Give your body rest

Anxiety causes an overload on many of your organs, your nervous system, and your adrenal glands. Try listening to music or using meditation to slow down or distract yourself from erratic thoughts. Take time out daily—just for you—to focus on relaxation, your hobbies and rejuvenating. Support your overwhelmed body to stay well and avoid illness, common in anxiety. Rest the body, and the mind will follow.

Eat healthy and regular meals

Quality carbohydrates and proteins improve your serotonin levels, ensuring that you have continued strength and your blood sugar levels are more consistent. Many people with anxiety skip meals, and don’t eat well, adding to the overload on the body. Never do that.

Sit in the sun

Aim for 15 minutes in the sun daily. This is great to help you absorb vitamin D, and make you more relaxed. Being kind to yourself is key to changing your life. Start with small steps, and these will soon become big steps.

Live for you

Constantly ask yourself, “What do I feel like doing right now?” Too many people live for others, leaving them feeling controlled or overwhelmed. When you feel unheard, disrespected or manipulated, this sense of powerlessness only adds to your fatigue, and contributes to anxiety. Take your power back.

Ask for help

Healthy emotional boundaries are important in improving our emotions. If you need help, reach out for help. Anxiety is exhausting, and you may need help in many areas of your life, while you are transitioning.

Stop being so hard on yourself

You didn’t ask to be traumatised, did you? No one asks for anxiety. This happened to you. It’s not your fault, but you can get help. You are not inadequate; you are suffering. You usually can’t fix this alone. Reach out for help.

See your doctor

See your doctor and ask for the Mental Health Plan [where available], so that you may get FREE [or subsidised] 6-10 sessions with a psychologist who specialises in trauma and anxiety. The doctor may recommend medication to improve an imbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain, such as Serotonin or Dopamine.

Go deep—get professional help for your trauma with a specialist

Following are three techniques that can help reduce trauma, by working not just with thoughts…but working with the mind, the Subconscious mind and the body. These ‘deep’ methods have caused many [including myself] to experience profound healing and change. Feel free to Google or YouTube these techniques, to learn more and find the psychologist/therapist in your area that specialises in one of these three techniques:

1. Somatic Therapy [Founder Peter Levine]: Learn to heal trauma by working with a somatic trained therapist to regulate emotions and body, in the here and now.
2. EMDR Eye Movement De-sensitisation [Founder Dr Shapiro]: Learn to heal trauma by re-processing the memories in the subconscious, by working with a therapist trained in EMDR.
3. Brainspotting [Founder David Grand]: Learn how the eyes and subconscious work together to find the spots of trauma in the subconscious, then release and re-process these emotions and trauma by working with a therapist trained in Brainspotting.

Healing the past

20 years ago, I was in crisis, so I know how it feels. I want you to really enjoy your life and experience more peace, control and happiness without experiencing daily panic and anxiety. My second book Are You Listening? Life is Talking to You has helped many feel re-connected to life again. It all starts with you… I want you to have the best life possible, and for that reason, I spent five years writing this book – for those in crisis. With these tools, and with a little help from a trauma expert, healing is possible. May your love for yourself and your life deepen more daily.

The post Coping with anxiety: 10 things you can do to help yourself right now appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Thursday night, I held his hand as he watched television; it felt so surreal. How does anyone cope knowing these are possibly final moments? Friday, driving Dad to the hospital, I knew this was possibly my last drive with him. I told him, “You are the most patient person I know. I love you, Dad.” I tried to be positive, calm and strong. I wanted the car warm, and the drive peaceful. I needed dad, my hero, to be in the best possible state for his operation; mentally and physically.

The horror week begins

Friday night. My horror week began! As a crisis and grief counsellor, I know the signs of anxiety, shock, and grief, but this week they overcame me. Dad’s operation caused many complications in his liver, heart, blood pressure, kidneys, and brain function. When he finally regained consciousness, after a few terrifying days, he could hardly mutter a word; then he quickly developed delirium. Even though his eyes seemed to recognise me, he was speaking incoherently. He mumbled about paranoid conspiracies of nurses wanting to kill him. He refused medical treatment and the family were called in to give permission for life-saving procedures and to be prepared in case he “crashes”. This mental decline of Dad was not anticipated. While we were told it is normal to develop “ICU delirium”, I wanted to know where Dad’s mind had gone… Would it return? I’d never heard of this type of psychosis.

I no longer slept well, often waking, worrying about Dad

I was stuck in a horror movie; the family talked about legalities, the living will, power of attorney, and possible death. “I will not discuss his funeral! We need to be positive!” I said. I recognised disassociation, as I kept re-playing the family’s words, over and over. This doesn’t feel real! So, this is how it ends for my Dad, my hero? I’m in my client’s world of crisis, and I recognise the signs. I feel acidity, no appetite, and I’m trying to keep fear thoughts at bay. I suppress my fear, but then develop anxiety as waves of emotions, suppressed deep inside me, that rise up, and “break me” at any moment. I gave up suppressing the tears. I ordered coffee from the hospital cafe with tears streaming down my face. The love songs in the cafe angered me. Why did “Islands in the stream” have to come on the radio? Dad loves country music. My sister and I stormed out in protest! My dad was dying … Stop the music!

Signs of despair

I no longer slept well, often waking, worrying about Dad. Has he just died? Nana even “came to me in a dream” and shook her finger with disapproval. [I’d been telling her, “Go away, Nana. You can’t take Dad!”]. I felt constantly cold, another sign of shock. The adrenaline and coffee kept me strong for hours of visits, but the fatigue kicked in and I had to drive back home for two days to recharge. I hated being away from dad.

A big cloud had overcome my life; I recognised this as “preparatory grief”. I felt disconnected to everything, except Dad. I cried, as I told hubby, “Nothing in the world seems important to me anymore; just Dad!” I retreated from work. I lost all interest and felt like a turtle hiding in a shell. I didn’t want to talk to friends. I needed to conserve my energy. I texted updates, which helped me come to terms with the reality of this situation. I’d cry as I’d read, “Dad’s organs are shutting down. His kidneys are not working well. His liver could be failing. He may not recover from the delirium.”

I’m normally calm, but was finding myself becoming angered easily

My mum said she missed me, even though I was beside her. I missed me. Knowing how grief causes marriage issues, I consciously kept connected to hubby, but had little energy for anyone else. “You cannot control life,” he said. I needed to hear this. I can’t keep dad alive with my love… but I’m going to keep trying.

My mind would sometimes become disobedient; I’d see myself at dad’s funeral going over a speech. Stop! Dad is not dead! I know enough about the mind and energy to know that living in the present, in the now, is essential. I worked hard at keeping funeral thoughts out of my mind; instead, I kept visualising positive improvements.

I’m normally calm, but was finding myself becoming angered easily [another grief stage]. My sister and mum annoyed me, the nurses made me angry with their blunt updates. This anger distorted my thoughts. Why was Dad on so many sedating painkillers? Were they trying to kill him? Do they need the ICU bed? I was frustrated, hyper alert, impatient, and felt trapped in a world of trauma.

Shielding my dad

I resigned myself, even though it was hard, to leave the medicine mostly up to the experts. My role was to ensure Dad was surrounded by love, loving touch, and constant positive words. Knowing about the subconscious mind, I needed to ensure that dad [even though he couldn’t really talk] could hear all the improvements he was making. I would often say, “Your skin is a good colour. Blood pressure is going well. Your surgery is healing well.” I didn’t want dad hearing any negative, as his subconscious mind was too vulnerable.

Over one hundred friends and family prayed, sent good wishes, lit candles, and sent love

I kissed him over 30 times on the forehead, and held his hand, over the many days. Sometimes he’d turn his head when I’d take my hand away; his eyes seemingly said, “Don’t go.” I felt like my love was making a difference.

Nonetheless, I was losing hope, and needed to take action. In a desperate attempt to send more loving energy to Dad, I turned to my friends and family on Facebook and asked for prayers and good wishes. Over one hundred friends and family prayed, sent good wishes, lit candles, and sent love. I even had strangers sending love!

The miracle called love

As I write this, it’s eight weeks since his operation, and Dad is now walking, talking, and enjoying life at my brother’s home. During his last week in the hospital, his mind and body recovered well. He looked forward to his daily wheelchair rides around the hospital where he would meet the canteen staff, and hospital helpers, who had heard so much about him. For many weeks, everywhere I went, people asked, “How is your Dad?” The power of Facebook at the time when I needed support was incredible.

We are all connected… we all feel each other’s pain, and we can all help each other heal. In this challenging time in my life, I felt this love from my friends, family, and even strangers, as tangible, and instrumental in Dad’s healing. I also believe that it was my 30 kisses that helped save him.

The post How a daughter’s love helped this dad recover sooner from surgery appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The business of being married is based on—supporting each other, being best friends, meeting each other’s needs, enjoying each other by being romantic and passionate, managing conflict, running a household, bringing up children, paying a mortgage and much more.

What you need is a strategy

If we look at the model of running a business, different people would have different roles, and more importantly, there would be a strategy. A good business runs smoothly, just like a good marriage does, on one condition: Everyone knows exactly what their roles are and happily fulfils their duties. These duties are based on a strategy.

The strategy doesn’t have to be complicated. Your strategy may include: Let’s talk every day [for at least 30 minutes] without distractions. Let’s reconnect once a week on an intimate date night, where we dress to impress, take the night off from cooking, and devote the night to enjoying each other. And let’s make passion a priority, so let’s go to bed early, more often, and make time to make love!

What is not working?

And of course, like a business, people don’t function well in their roles if there is tension. So we need to work out what causes the tension in a marriage—what is not working? So, let’s make time for serious discussions [meetings], and let’s have simple rules about these discussions. Let’s meet, let’s talk, let’s really listen to each other, treat each other with respect, and most importantly, let’s both get what we want and need from this relationship.

I heard this quote years ago: “Angel at work and devil at home”. When at work, are you being kind and considerate to workmates, giving out compliments and smiling all day? That’s great… as long as you keep up the charm when you get home. Or are you too tired to be nice or listen to your partner when you get home? Do you sit on the couch, grab the remote control, and ignore your partner? So what do you think happens when you want to be intimate? Well, I can imagine how this turns out? After 11 years of talking with married women, I have a theory about what I consider to be the biggest leg crosser in women. It is resentment! Resentful women are not enthusiastic lovers.

Let’s make time for serious discussions, and let’s have simple rules about these discussions

Resentments dissolve intimacy

What causes resentment in marriage? A lot of things: Unresolved anger [usually from ineffective arguing], living together but not connecting, not making time for each other, and couples who attempt to control the other, and not allow them personal freedom. A couple who respect each other, support each other, allow the other to have independence, and argue well [even often], very seldom end up with resentment.

Most couples who are experiencing marriage issues need a better argument strategy. So don’t be scared to argue, as arguing is a perfectly normal part of marriage. Simply ensure that arguments are resolved, issues are not swept under the carpet, and you avoid ‘sleeping on an argument’ or in separate beds. Yelling, name calling and long silent treatments must be avoided. Instead, own your feelings, and argue from an ‘I’ standpoint, without accusations. For example, instead of saying: ‘You lazy, good for nothing, slob! You never help me around the house, or with the kids!’ You may wish to say: ‘I feel really overwhelmed today, and I’d really love just a few minutes help. It takes time to change the way we interact, but it’s only a habit, and a habit can be changed in as little as 21 days.

So here are six tips for running your marriage as you would run a business:

1]  Use a strategy

Ensure that your daily routine includes quality ‘talk time’ with your partner, and your weekly routine includes date nights, time for passion, and family time each day, and on the weekends.

2] Have designated roles

To avoid confusion and frustration, ensure everyone has a role, and adheres to it. For example, you may be the cook in the household, your child may take the rubbish out, and your partner may help with the dishes. If these roles are well defined, tension will be reduced, creating a more peaceful household.

3] Effective communication of needs

If both parties are communicating their needs using ‘I’ statements, thus being assertive instead of aggressive, the home will be a happier place. For example, if one partner does not pursue their hobbies, they may feel restricted and oppressed, which could lead to a depressed state. In an ideal marriage, each partners’ needs are met in the relationship and in life. It’s vital that these needs are communicated!

4] Treat one another with respect

Just as you treat your workmates with respect and kindness, get into the habit of listening, caring and being considerate with your family members. Neither of you should ever swear, belittle, or raise your voice at the other.

5] Have regular meetings

To reduce the chances of resentment, communication must be efficient. If you need to discuss anything, particularly about needs that are not met, hurt feelings, anger and so on, schedule a meeting. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place, with no disruptions such as television or computers. Feel free to have a glass of water, a pen and paper, and take turns in speaking and listening.

6]  Conflict management

If either of you become angry, ensure you calm down first, before speaking. Schedule a meeting for later that day or night, and talk in a professional manner, using ‘I’ statements and avoid the blame game by using ‘you’ statements—stay focussed on your own needs, not your partner’s shortcomings.

Don’t become emotionally bankrupt. Use a strategy to ‘run your marriage’, stay on track and be happy.

The post Want your marriage to be happy and successful? Run it like a business! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.