Growing up with two sets of parents

I am a mother in my late 30s. While my situation may not sound so unique, it is a bit uncommon. I was adopted by my father’s elder brother at the time of my birth. The reason for my adoption was that my parents were unable to conceive. My father had told me about my biological parents from the time I was a baby — even though he was urged not to share the truth with me. His reasoning was that my biological parents ought to receive the recognition they deserved for their selfless act of sacrifice. I was fortunate to grow up in a large, joint family, with both sets of parents residing together. As a result, I was raised to call both sets of parents mumma/papa.

At the age of seven, my parents relocated to another city, and I went to a boarding school, away from both sets of parents. My biological parents went on to have two more sons after me, who grew up knowing about my adoption and treated me like their own sister. Even though I spent only a few days with them during my vacations, me and my biological brothers have always been close.

Brother from another mother

As I turned 18, my parents made the unexpected decision to adopt a baby boy, solely because they desired a son. I believe this was influenced by societal gender expectations, and they might have believed that having a son was necessary to care for them in their old age, once I was married and moved away.

My biological parents, however, opposed my adoptive parents’ decision and expressed their concerns that my parents, particularly my mom, would not love me as much once another child joined the family. Despite this, my parents went ahead with the adoption.

Ideally, it would have been wonderful to have a sibling of a similar age with who I could to relate to, play with, argue with and so on. Unfortunately, I always felt that my brother was my parents’ child, not exactly a sibling to me. As I was already in college when he was adopted, we didn’t get to spend much time together. The decision to adopt him was only for my parents’ benefit, not mine. Having said that, we do share a bond of love and are there for each other when needed.

Getting married

After a few years, I reached the age when most people get married, and my parents arranged a marriage for me, as is common in India.

The whole arranged-marriage affair was one of the worst experiences of my life because both sets of parents had different opinions and wanted to handle things their way. Neither of them realized what I was going through — I was caught in the middle and didn’t know who to listen to. One set of parents wanted me to get married immediately, while the other wanted me to wait. Anyways, I did end up getting married rather young.

Even after marriage, this has been an ongoing issue in my life — balancing the opinions of both sets of parents. All four of them love me deeply, and my biological brothers are also quite close to me. However, what has complicated my life is not the fact that I was adopted, but rather that 1) I was being adopted within the family, and 2) my biological parents had a say in my life.

People often say that I’m lucky to have two sets of parents, but it’s not always easy. During every crisis in my life, both sets of parents have had different opinions, which has added to the stress and confusion.

Becoming a mother

Becoming a mother has been my greatest achievement. As I was growing up, I knew that my mother couldn’t conceive a child and had needed to adopt. This created a subconscious doubt in my mind about my chances of conceiving. So, when I became pregnant, it felt like a monumental accomplishment. Even though there was no real reason to doubt fertility, I always feared that I may not be able conceive. This might be partly because my mother always urged me to have a child soon so that I wouldn’t experience the same difficulties she had. Now, as I raise my child, I often find myself thinking “he’s mine” and “I gave birth to him.” While I know that many mothers share this sentiment, it may not be to the same degree that I do.

How people react

As I was growing up, most people who knew me were aware that I was adopted and that I had two biological brothers who I considered as my own siblings. When I started college and disclosed my adoption status, people often had varying reactions. While some expressed surprise and simply said, “Oh, I didn’t know that,” others had less favorable responses, such as asking if I felt sad about being “given away” or questioning who my “real” parents were. One person even assumed that I had step-parents and step-siblings, which was quite comical.

To anyone who meets someone who has been adopted, I would advise not to express sympathy towards them. Instead, ask questions about their experience and their relationship with their parents without feeling sorry for them. Having a loving family, biological or not, is a wonderful thing.

In conclusion

My brother, who is now 20 years old, is still in the dark about his adoption. My father chose not to disclose the fact to him, fearing that he would feel resentment towards his biological parents for giving him up. In contrast, I have always known about my being adopted since my birth. While I respect my father’s decision to withhold this information from my brother, I believe that he should have the chance to learn about his adoption when he is ready. I understand that many children may struggle with this information later in life, but I hope that my brother will take the news positively.

My life has been both simple and knotty because of my experiences with adoption and motherhood. I believe that sharing my perspective can help others understand these experiences better. I leave you with a quote by actor Hugh Jackman: “I think adoption is a blessing all around when it is done right.”

The author of this blog has chosen to remain anonymous.

The post “I grew up with two sets of parents” — A perspective on adoption appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I know all this, because I was once you. Though there was no known medical cause, I had failed to conceive for many years and that often made me feel lonely and miserable. In retrospect, after conceiving spontaneously, I realised that there were things I could have done differently that would probably have made my journey a tad easier.

In this article, I am sharing with you a few of my insights in the earnest desire that it will make your journey a little easier.

5 tips to help you stay emotionally resilient during your fertility struggle

1. Actively seek support

A lack of moral support makes the fertility struggle worse. It’s like you are in your own little gloomy bubble, with often only your partner for support while everyone around you seems to be making pregnancy announcements or having baby showers. And you silently wonder to yourself why are you ‘left behind’ or when will it be ‘your turn’.

The problem is that infertility is invisible to those who have never experienced it. Only the ones who have walked this path understand and relate to the gamut of emotions that you feel as well as the innumerable ways in which it impacts your life. When faced with fertility roadblocks, we tend to seek out the best gynaecologist, IVF specialist, weight-loss expert, acupuncture expert and what not—but we also need to seek emotional support from those who can help us ride the emotional roller coaster that this journey entails.

I had a couple of  friends who were my ‘go-to’ people. But since they had not personally experienced fertility struggles they didn’t always have the right things to say, nor did they know how to offer support to me. Had I made it clear that I only wanted someone to hear me out and not suggest endless solutions or treatment options to help me conceive, they would have been able to be there for me in the way I needed them to be.

Seeking the support of people who are, or have been, in similar situations can help ease the anguish and also provide the much needed hope. Alternately, you can confide in a trusted friend or loved one and actively ‘ask’ for support. This could even be a parent, sibling, relative or friend— anyone except your partner. It is important that categorically ‘ask’ this person(s) to be the shoulder you can cry on when needed, and your cheerleader on other days. This will require you to be open and vulnerable at first, but trust me, it will give you the much needed support on your journey to becoming a parent, which you badly need. Make sure you choose these people wisely—they must be on your team.

2. Speak about your fertility struggle

This is one of my biggest regrets. I wish I had spoken about my fertility struggle when I was facing it. For me, it was the elephant in the room. When you have been married for a while and don’t have a child yet, people take it as an open invitation to ask you personal and uncomfortable questions. When such questions were thrown at me I just recoiled and either changed the topic or gave some random reply. However, had I been open to speaking about it frankly, it would have spared me the needless guilt and angst. On the few rare occasions when I did reply that I don’t have a baby yet, because I am having issues conceiving, I received an apology from the person for their insensitivity. A few women even shared how they had once faced the same. Talking about my struggle with fertility felt more freeing to me as well—not having to hide anything and not pretend that everything is fine in my world.

3. Be your own fertility advocate

On our journey to conception we consulted more than one expert and our experiences with each were varied. However, throughout the journey we made sure we only went ahead with a suggested medication or treatment if we both felt aligned. For example, we once met a renowned gynaecologist who went into a tizzy the moment I told her I have not conceived even after a few years of marriage. She suggested that I’m losing time even as we spoke and that—believe it or not!—I should get admitted immediately and undergo a procedure the next morning. While this may work for some, for us such undue pressure didn’t feel right. We were not wanting to work with a doctor who made us feel like we are falling behind in the race against time to have a baby. Plus, I was already anxious and did not want someone who would increase my apprehensions. So we told her we need time to think, and obviously changed our doctor.

4. Banish self-blame

We live in a world where becoming a parent is adulated as if it was a personal achievement of sorts (I fail to see why!), while those who willingly choose to remain childless are ostracised in many ways. Mothers are venerated as demi-gods who can do no wrong. And because we’re constantly receiving such messages from all around us, it conditions us to look at a fertility challenge as a personal defeat. Not being able to conceive becomes our ‘fault’. Along with the denial and sadness, comes the impulse to blame ourselves. And then we go looking for reasons in our life or lifestyle that are responsible for the situation. Thoughts like “I shouldn’t have waited so long”, “I should have lost/gained that weight”, “Why did I eat so much junk all those years?”, “Is there too much plastic in my food or chemicals in my cosmetics?”…the list goes on.

I, too, often found myself going down that road of self-blame, though I tried to remind myself that this is really beyond my control.

Your fertility challenge is not your fault. It’s just a card you have been dealt. A bad one, no doubt. But no different that those who have problematic skin, or thinning hair, or premature greying or a weak heart, or OCD or any other health concern. None of those are our “fault”, right? Likewise, difficulty or failure to have a baby is not your fault. Please say that to yourself as many times as you need to, and change your self-talk.

5. Check in with your male partner

It’s heartening that almost every woman whom I have spoken to who was facing fertility challenges, shares that their partners were their biggest support. Which brings me to an important aspect of the fertility struggle: how is your male partner coping? For me too, my partner was my rock, but I wonder how he stayed afloat and processed his emotions and anxieties about our life situation.

There isn’t much support out there for men who are going through struggles on their way to becoming fathers. And women struggling to conceive, it’s likely that we get engulfed in our own despair and forget to spare a thought for what our partners are going through, what they are feeling and how they are coping. Do check in with your partner from time to time. Also, just in case you discover that your fertility challenge is due to a health concern with the male partner, do not point fingers or make them feel bad about it [even in your weak moments]. If failure to conceive is not your fault, it isn’t his either. It’s just a bad card he [and you as a couple] were dealt.

Summarising…

While I may have regrets about few things that I could have done but didn’t during my ‘trying to conceive’ years, I do cherish that I did try to celebrate the little things that life was offering me, and always stayed hopeful.  I hope you are able to do the same and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you, just as there was for me.

The post How to stay resilient during your struggle with fertility appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Meeting my baby for the first time

I still recall that moment vividly: the doctor was suturing me and I was thinking that the worst is over and now everything shall be fine. But I was clueless about the impending storm. Before I knew it, postpartum depression hit me like a tornado and it happened even before the doctors shifted me from the OT to my room. Exactly what it was I can’t describe but an overwhelming sadness enveloped me, as if something terrible had happened; I began crying inconsolably for no reason. I spent the next few days either crying or talking gibberish or in complete silence. When I was called to the NICU for the first time to feed my baby, I was emotionless. There was no love at first sight that everyone talks about or that is glorified in the movies. I just stood there staring at my fragile baby, waiting to feel the connection. He looked so tiny like a mouse, but not an emotion stirred in me. I was numb.

The breastfeeding challenges

My baby couldn’t latch at my breast at all and I was asked to express milk. I struggled with the manual pump; what’s worse, the hospital staff did not provide any guidance or support for struggling mothers like me. My baby was straightaway put on formula and I thought, “So now my baby doesn’t even need his mother for his food.”

When we came home, I spent my days staring outside the window, often secretly contemplating jumping to my final freedom. The various psychiatric treatments weren’t helping. Everyone around me had started wondering why I keep crying when everything seemed fine in my life. I heard labels such as ‘crazy’, ‘mad woman’ and ‘hopeless’ being used to describe me. Meanwhile, the insomnia continued. One day my mother gave me a sedative but it didn’t help. I thought may be two would do the trick so I asked her for more, but she refused. No one trusted me with my life, you see.

The turning point

Seeing my plight, a doctor friend of mine sent me a prescription of sedatives for a whole month and said, “Vandana, I trust you.” His trust in me gave me hope. It brought a huge change in my attitude and, ironically, I never took any of those sedatives. I stopped all the psychiatric medicines, as they were not helping me anyway. I decided to take charge of the situation and my husband did everything he could to support me. I hired maids to help with all the chores so that I could focus on healing myself. Most importantly, I cut off all the toxic people from my life.

Babywearing and relactation

I started reading about baby care. I started wearing my baby using a baby wrap and it felt like magic. It was healing me by releasing ‘feel good hormones’ in my body and soothing my baby at the same time. My baby slept on my chest and I had my hands free to do anything I wanted to. I did everything for my baby. Initially, I was doing things mechanically, but gradually the bond developed. I knew I was on the path to recovery.

Next, I started working on relactation. I kept pumping day and night on a military schedule to induce lactation. It was hard but it gave me immense satisfaction and joy as I could feed my baby liquid gold. Everyone discouraged me from pumping, as my baby was thriving well on formula and pumping every two hours was difficult. But I am glad I did it as I won’t have the guilt of not trying. Before I knew it, the depression disappeared and I felt like a normal new mom caring for her baby.

Today I am completely healed of postpartum depression. My son is now three years old and has just started at nursery. I have also started working from home, pursuing my passion for creating art and tutus. Life is full of excitement with no time to rest and I am going with the flow, with hope and gratitude in my heart. I hope that my story gives hope and courage to women going through postpartum depression.

Watch: Depression after childbirth a silent killer in India

The post How I Overcame Postpartum Depression appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I tried to take her mind off of how lousy she felt and talked a lot about baby Joey. I mentioned my concerns over the very real possibility that our first nanny Amy would leave one day, and one day soon.

“Rach, your nanny is replaceable,” she said in a very soft voice. “Joey knows you are the mother. Don’t ever forget that.” That was some of the best advice that anyone has ever given to me. I thought about it a lot over the course of employing many more nannies. I still find myself giving that advice to other working moms.

Mother was right

My mother was right. When nanny number two, Ellie, and nanny number three, Molly, came in and went out of our lives within the course of one year, I tried to keep that advice close to my heart and to my mind, but it was hard. I was very worried about two-year-old Joey when we began the search for nanny number four. I thought for sure that I had screwed him up for life with the revolving nanny door in our house. I wondered if he would develop trust and abandonment issues? He must have been wondering who he should listen to, who was in charge, who would stick around? Who were all those ladies taking care of him?

I thought for sure that I had screwed my son’s life with the revolving nanny door in our house

In reality, though, Joey only had one thing on his little two-year-old mind: Bob the Builder. You know, the animated contractor from the popular television series on Nick Jr. and later PBS. Joey became obsessed with Bob, Wendy, Scoop, Muck, Dizzy and my favourite, Farmer Pickles. He couldn’t get enough of the show and all of the mini action figures that made up the construction crew. I happened to mention his fascination with Bob to Joey’s preschool teacher one day in the midst of explaining my worries about finding a new nanny that Joey could connect with. The teacher suggested that when I hire the new nanny, I buy some Bob the Builder action figures and give them to the nanny to give to Joey. Then, she explained, he would feel at least some kind of connection.

I liked it. And so, after we officially hired nanny number four, Julie, I gave her a few new Bob characters to give to Joey, explaining my strategy. My husband Neil thought I was a little nuts. Nanny Julie probably did too. I kind of thought I was. Regardless, the plan worked. I introduced nanny number four, Julie, to Joey as a big fan of Bob the Builder.

“Look Joey, Julie likes Dizzy too!” I explained to him as I could actually hear the desperation in my voice. Joey seemed content. Bob or no Bob, I think deep down Joey was secure enough to know that although he had new nannies coming and going, I would be there every single day for him. Although I didn’t care for him all day long, he knew I was the mother, and that I wasn’t going anywhere. I sensed this in the sweet smile I got from him every workday when I came in the door. He was happy to see me, but he also knew he would see me. I was the mother, the only one.

Nanny Alice in my wonderland

On an intellectual level I understood that my kids knew I was their one and only mother. That didn’t change the fact that it sometimes hurt on an emotional level when I let the nanny take over to care for them, especially on those occasions when it seemed like my kids were better off with the nanny than they were with me. Joey and Rebecca took direction from nanny Alice way better than they ever did from me. I was green with envy as I watched Rebecca sit still and not make a sound as nanny Alice brushed out her knotty hair one morning. Brushing out Rebecca’s hair always brought on a fight between the two of us, and Rebecca never let me put her hair up in pigtails. Nanny Alice did her hair in pigtails, braids, French braids, whatever hairdo she fancied. I was amazed. Rebecca looked adorable. I was happy that she looked so cute, but also jealous that she would only let our nanny make her look that cute. Who was I? Just the mother…

I was green with envy as I watched Rebecca sit still and not make a sound as nanny Alice brushed out her knotty hair one morning

I arrived home on the earlier side one evening to find the kids setting the table for the dinner that nanny Alice was making for them. I was impressed. My five- and three-year-olds were taking part in preparing for dinnertime in a very real way. I was happy that Alice had them helping out like that. Then I wondered, Why didn’t I think of that? If I had, the kids probably wouldn’t have been as agreeable to the whole idea as they were with nanny Alice. She made taking care of my kids look so easy and so fun. It was never that easy for me.

Nanny Alice sometimes sensed my envy, and she was very understanding about it.

“Rach, it’s my job to have fun with the kids. I am getting paid to do it,” she said one evening to me. “You have to take care of the kids and do everything else too. I can just focus on them,” nanny Alice explained. She did have a point. When I was with the kids, I also had to do laundry, shop for grocery, make dinner, make the family plans, check my work emails, and try to be a good wife, friend, daughter, and sister. Nanny Alice could, for the most part, just focus on taking care of the kids for nine hours a day, three days a week. I appreciated her honesty with me, and perhaps even sympathy for me. She validated my insecurity on the issue, and I never really considered myself to be insecure—about anything. I thank my mother for instilling me with a strong sense of self. I guess it didn’t translate so well into motherhood though, at least back then.

My share of fun

My jealousy of nanny Alice’s ease with my kids only grew as I began to feel more and more that I was missing out on the fun stuff that she got to do with them as they got older. I couldn’t attend their preschool back-to-school picnic as it was smack in the middle of a workday when I was running a meeting. Nanny Alice was happy to go in my place, and I appreciated that. She had been with us for a couple years at that point and knew the children’s friends, their teachers, and many of the other mothers and nannies. Alice had fun at these events. She took lots of pictures for me of the kids getting rides on the pony and playing in the little bounce house. I loved to check out their painted faces [Alice’s too] at the end of the day when I got home, but I secretly wished that I was the one there with the kids helping them to choose between the mermaid and the fish, or the soccer and the basketball face paint designs.

Excerpted with permission from Who’s Going to Watch My Kids?, by Rachel Levy Lesser, published by Turning Stones Press.

The post Finding Nanny: Confessions of a working mother appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I know some folks think Marie is just plain intrusive. But most moms, whose priority in life is to help their children, will understand where she’s coming from. We moms may sometimes test the patience of a saint, and drive our grown-up children crazy by our seemingly meddlesome ways. But we will courageously carry on regardless, all for the love of our children. Or so we tell ourselves.

The early years

I remember how, when I was young, single and naïve, I used to wrinkle my nose at mothers who were overly involved in the lives of their children. But then I got married and had kids of my own, and soon I knew better. What seemed unpalatable before now seemed like the most natural thing to do. As for the mothers that I had thought of as control freaks earlier, I now saw them as conscientious, responsible and caring parents.

While the kids were growing up, I spent most of my waking hours doing what almost all moms do—cooking, cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, feeding, folding clothes, changing diapers and sheets, picking up stuff, putting the kids to sleep, hauling them out of bed in the morning, teaching, while handling a full-time day job. And what did I do the rest of the time? I worried about my kids.

I pestered the babysitter [and when the kids were older, our neighbours] to find out how the apples of my eye were doing in my absence. I attended every parent-teacher meeting and doled out requests for paying special attention to my sweet angels. I noticed the rolling of eyes my frequent requests elicited, but I ignored them from the goodness of my heart and for the good of my offspring.

We moms may sometimes test the patience of a saint, and drive our grown-up children crazy by our seemingly meddlesome ways

Parenting adolescents

Things were on an even keel until the kids were in school, when I could yell at them, “Shut your mouth and eat what’s on your plate!” and they actually obeyed. Or when their howling got on my nerves and I would scream, “Stop squealing for nothing, or I’ll give you something to really cry about,” and the tears of rage would stop flowing.

The going got tough when they started going to college. As is characteristic of adolescents, now they began trying to educate their parents. It seemed like just yesterday they exhibited insatiable curiosity, and suddenly, they didn’t want to know anything. They stopped asking me questions thinking they already knew all the answers. But that only got my antenna up. What were these smarties doing without my knowledge, I wondered.

Don’t know if the great Einstein flaunted his weirdo hairstyle even as a young man. But if he did, I’m sure his mom constantly bugged him to tone it down, just the way I badgered my children when I detected even a hint of strange tendencies.

 It seemed like just yesterday they exhibited insatiable curiosity, and suddenly, they didn’t want to know anything

Which is why we had some interesting interactions.

What’s that glittering thing on your tongue? Oh, it’s only candy, you haven’t got your tongue pierced? What a relief!;

My dear, you’re going out in that sleeveless dress? In this 20⁰ C weather? Cover up. Why? Because I know when you’re feeling cold;

Son, you’re going to the party like that? Can’t you wear an ironed shirt and proper shoes? And what’s that thing hanging over your collar, tied with a string? It’s the latest fashion? I don’t care, chop it off! You’ll do as I say. What do you mean why? Because Mommy always knows best. That’s why.

Stuff like that. And if we had mobile phones back then, I would have continued from where we had left off by texting them every hour.

When children are no longer kids

Despite our constant battles, it’s so satisfying to know I’ve raised smart kids. That’s why I’m hopeful that when they become parents they’ll understand what made me tick as a young mother, as also what motivates me now as an older parent. And I hope they won’t miss the point while undertaking such mental exercises.

I hope they’ll understand that when I insisted on knowing where and with whom they were going, when I punished them for watching TV during their study time, when I ignored their sulking and demanded they put their toys and clothes back in the proper place, when I let them feel the pain of getting poor grades in school as a result of not studying diligently, it was because I loved them.

The going got tough when they started going to college; now they began trying to educate their parents

I’ve long since loosened the proverbial apron strings. But I still dread having to watch my children live with the consequences of wrong decisions. At the same time, I don’t want to stop them learning from their own mistakes even now.

So yes, it’s still tough being a mom, even in the silver years. The hard part now is doling advice in matters of critical importance despite risking being labelled a meddlesome mom. But I believe, if you love your children, you will take that risk. Of course, it’s their prerogative to accept or reject your suggestions. But it’s still your prerogative to tell your children whatever you want to. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not suggesting you should lecture your adult children about stuff like how to manage their money, their children, and their spouses. If you’re doing that, back off. Double quick.

Today, I’m focussed on making sure I’m helping, and not meddling. But that doesn’t mean that every once in a way I don’t revert to my old habits. My parting shot to my children during their student days was “Have some fruit after lunch”. Well, though they’re adults now, I still remind them of the same thing over Skype chats nowadays. But no harm done, for I’m sure they’re giving such unnecessary advice the treatment it deserves. After all, like I said before, I’ve raised smart kids.

The post Read these travails of a meddlesome mom appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But for those of us who do go back to working, whether as a full-time career mom, a part-time mom, or a work-from-home mom, we’re all looking for that elusive balance that lets us feel fulfilled in our roles, without leaving us frazzled and spent.

Here are some thoughts to consider as you straddle both worlds.

1. Evaluate objectively

Is the job of a full-time, stay-at-home mom without pay a viable option for you? After considering the alternatives, if working outside home is the only logical path at this time, then weigh the benefits and costs in detail. Is that what you want? Have you checked with your employer about flexibility of work schedules, or perhaps even going part-time? Having your own money, taking your dream vacation, advancing in your career, versus, paying for a crèche, extra responsibility, less time with your baby are just a few of the things you need to consider. If the pros outweigh the cons, you are better equipped to face the challenges that come with this decision.

2. Reliable childcare

Although dads are actively parenting these days, mothers see themselves as the primary caregivers. Be it because of societal pressures or biological instinct, it is a worldwide phenomenon that moms feel the most affected by this initial separation from their new baby. If parents or other trusted family members are able and available to look after the baby, it can prove to be the ideal solution. But, in contemporary society family support is not easily available. This is where certified childcare centres come in; if there is one near your work or home, or on your commute route, vet them thoroughly. Visit the premises and ask if they have CCTV feeds or other forms of all-day access to your child so that they are transparent about their care-giving procedures. If leaving your baby in a strange environment outside home does not appeal to you, consider legitimate au pair, babysitter or nanny services. Word of mouth recommendations go a long way in this field.

3. Dry run

Get into your new routine a few days before, rather than waiting till the first day of returning to work. Rehearse the babysitting arrangement. Drop your child off at the nursery and stay away all day, just as you would on a regular work day. It is better to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes with this step now, than on the first day at work. If you’d prefer to have a nanny, leave your baby in her care and be away for a few hours. Start the separation process slowly by stepping away during naptimes so you feel less stressed, knowing that your baby doesn’t realise your absence. Get a sense of how much time you will have to spend with your baby before and after work, and try to make it count by earnestly doing what matters most for you and your family. Lay down some foundations for the division of parental responsibilities. Who is in charge if the baby wakes up late at night? Who gets diaper duty? Who takes time off to take the baby to the paediatrician? Whatever you agree on, as long as it works for both parents, it is the right arrangement.

4. Time management

Make your weekly ‘to-do’ lists short and relevant. Prioritise tasks: doctor appointments, bills to pay, grocery shopping, and quality time with your baby may take precedence over attending birthday parties or spending time on social media. Resist over-committing and let other non-essential things slide. If you are the main meal-maker at home, then plan a weekly menu. Find ways to make your everyday tasks efficient and streamlined. After tucking in your baby for the night, spend a few minutes preparing for the next day—whether it is packing leftovers in your lunchbox or laying out your work outfit, or gathering the baby’s things for the next day.

5. Long-term view

So you are not making baby food but getting a jar of baby food this week; so you are with your baby only 15 hours a day, instead of 24×7; do you feel that it might reflect badly on your maternal standing? Consider who you are trying to please. If it is not yourself, and you are worried about what others will think, it is the wrong approach. When your baby is a beaming teenager, will they mind that you did not make mushy foods from scratch when they were infants? Or that the house was not immaculately clean? Or that you sought some assistance in keeping them safe and happy till they could go to school? Not really. What they will know and appreciate is that you were there for them when they needed you, and that you were working hard and doing all you could to give them that one degree of advantage that will make a difference in the long run. Firmly establishing your long term goals will let you gauge the everyday demands.

6. Get past the guilt

Parenting styles have changed over the years to meet the needs of a new generation. The world we are living in is very different from the one our parents and grandparents grew up in. The consciousness now is higher, thereby making the issues more complex. Whether it is not being with your baby but at a desk job, or being exhausted from a tough day at work, or being cranky because you are sleep-deprived—guilt can nag a new mother. Fight the rising guilt! Refuse to feed it. You are committed to giving your attention, care, and love, freely and happily to your baby and your family. And that is what matters in the end.

7. Reject perfection

Do not confuse perfectionism with self-improvement. Perfectionism is about gaining approval from others, whereas self-improvement lets you introspect and audit each situation for its merits and limitations, and allows you to do what seems fit, what makes you feel better. Know that mess is okay. You don’t have to judge yourself on your housekeeping skills or your cooking prowess, and neither should anybody else. Learn to laugh at the ridiculous expectations placed on you by others or by yourself. Adopt the popular attitude that ‘My house is clean enough to be healthy, and messy enough to be happy.’ Laundry can pile up, unwashed dishes can wait. Resist the urge to be an impeccably dressed and charmingly witty super-mom who attends to her baby’s every need with a smile. Tempting as it may be, to project an image of having-it-all-together when you don’t is not only tiresome but also detrimental to your sanity.

8. Schedule ‘Me’ time

Maybe ‘me’ time for you is during your commute to/from work. Alternate the evenings with your spouse to get the baby settled in for the night; and use that extra time to pursue a hobby, take a bubble bath or treat yourself to a movie. You won’t prove anything by taking on the full duty of caring for your baby every moment of day. There is a reason why airplane safety instructions say apply the oxygen mask to yourself first before you help your child. Even setting aside 30 minutes a day to do whatever the mood calls for, gives you the oxygen to restore yourself. Make time for exercise! Remember to eat healthy and get enough rest.

9. Advantages of social media

Mothers all over the world are living through similar struggles and many are sharing their insights via blogs and social media, as well as dedicated mothers’ groups. Seek out like-minded moms and connect with their shared experience. With the isolation that comes with present-day lifestyle, we are that much more anxious about tarnishing our kids’ lives and psyches. We tend to over-protect our kids and be extremely harsh on ourselves. One thing that makes it easier is peer support from the global village. Thanks to the technological advances of our century, we can forge a bond with strangers halfway across the world, who are willing to pipe up and say ‘I feel the same way you do!’ and are able to provide the wisdom and collective knowledge of this sorority.

Some days you are a better employee and not so much an ideal mom; some days you are an energetic mum but not so much a fantastic friend; some days you go for a foot-massage and leave the meal-making to your spouse; and some days you are more than happy to just cuddle with your baby all day. Knowing that we cannot live up to being everywhere and doing everything is the first step to recognising that we are in control of defining what balance means to us.

Work-baby balance is a dynamic entity. There is no such thing as perfect balance. There are work-life choices we make, which come with their own consequences. When you realise that you are not required to have super powers and do it all, you will be able to decide where you want to expend your energy most effectively and happily. Ultimately, as long as you are happy, your family is happy. When you are doing the best you can, and you are at peace with your chosen course—that’s balance.

This was first published in the October 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post 9 things new moms should consider before returning to work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Motherhood means many things to many people. From the ‘state of being a mother’ to ‘the worst job that we love dearly’, it is most often defined by our individual experiences and journeys into the long, beautiful roads of life along with our children.

The strings of motherhood

Motherhood is expected to bring elation, joy, pride and sheer happiness from its onset, and is considered the most unconditional expression of love. But the truth is that it too is not free of delusions and conditions. It is tied with invisible strings from time immemorial; the strings of expectations, social stigmas, approvals, peer pressure and many others. And these strings are powerful enough to replace the joys of motherhood with fear, doubt, and uncertainty.

The idea of motherhood that every girl is raised with doesn’t provide much flexibility. Everybody is being taught the same idea and expectations and even a slight deviation can bring havoc. It is more so if that deviation comes in the form of a special needs child! Because then, ‘the idea of motherhood’ that one has had all their life has to change overnight. And the strings of social expectations begin to edge out the real concept of motherhood.

Choosing the unexplored road

Long ago when I read The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost I used to ponder, would I take the road less travelled? I was quite sure that I would—but saying it and doing it are two different things.

While I did not intentionally choose to go on the road less travelled, life threw me there and that too without a map!

I had a lot of choices. I had the choice of being happy and accepting the little precious girl I was sent. I had a choice to bask in the glory of motherhood, to have somebody who was not ‘typical’ for the world but was ‘perfect’ for me. And I had a choice to not get into that vicious circle of complaining to God about why he did it to me and then crying endlessly into the nights waiting for the answers.

But I did not make those choices. I complained, I cribbed, cried, howled through the night holding all the strings that I had tied around my beautiful pink packet of motherhood.

I knew I would have to break free of those strings, change my dreams and fine tune my desires. And I am glad I did that… and more. I am glad that I got up and took charge, because that has made all the difference.

I had always wanted a baby girl who would outwit me with her humour and would be my companion, shopping during sales. She would help me choose dresses and nail-polish and also would gossip with me about George Clooney and Shahrukh Khan. Someone who would go out on countless movies and lunches to celebrate all ‘mother’s and daughter’s days’, right from the day she was going to be born.

Piecing together my shattered dreams

All these dreams came alive when I held her for the first time, but when I heard about her diagnosis of ‘Down syndrome’—in the doctor’s words she was “intellectually disabled”—the world came crashing down on me. I thought I would never be able to do what I had always dreamt of doing. But once I realigned my ‘pink motherhood’ a little above my unknown fears, everything fell back into place.

The realisation that she was going to do everything, but at her own pace, helped me change my idea of a perfect life to make it a perfect life with all that I had. I realised that it was not she who was ‘imperfect’ but my idea of perfection!

Cutting the cords that bound me

The strings were not easy to break. They were everywhere: at playschools, parks, pools, friends’ places or in the minds of people around me. These strings were putting her in a compartment reserved for ‘less abled’, sympathising with me,  pitying her, underestimating her worth to be almost nothing and portraying that I, her mother, was ‘inevitably in pain’.

Everybody thinks that just because you don’t have a ‘typical’ child and ‘typical dreams or journey’ you are disillusioned into thinking that you love your child and you only do so because you don’t have a choice. I wanted to test this myth!

I did a small survey where I asked 20 mothers of special needs children to tell me honestly if they could change or take away the birth of their special needs child from their life, would they do it? I was pleasantly surprised when every single mother told me that they are happy with their lives and would not change a thing about it. All of them said that their special needs child has helped them learn new ways of living, and they are grateful to have such a child in their lives.

My unusual voyage

Motherhood is humbling and emotionally investing. It is about loving your child irrespective of any flaws that they might have. It is the magic of raising a little life with the best of your abilities. And if motherhood should at all be tied up, it should be tied up with the strings of love, compassion, and non-judgement. The ‘packets of motherhood’ that a girl keeps with her while growing up should be tied up with the strings of faith in human abilities and also with the trust that every soul and every being is equal. Motherhood doesn’t come in the same packet for all—it is different for everybody. Every mother is different and so is motherhood… for some it is pink and for other it’s purple. All we need to do to help future mothers experience their greatest motherhood is to wrap it in different colours but to make sure that there are no undesirable strings attached!

This was first published in the August 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post “I am a special mother” appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The desire is there—I can feel it… a tremendous desire to be a mother. Nothing is wrong with that, but you should become a mother knowingly. You are taking one of the greatest responsibilities that a human being can take. Men are a little freer in that way—because they cannot take the responsibility of becoming a mother. Women have more responsibility. So become a mother, but don’t take it for granted that just by being a woman, one is necessarily a mother—that is a fallacy. Motherhood is a great art; you have to learn it. So start learning about it!

A few things I’d like to say to you about motherhood.

The first thing… Never treat the child as yours

Never treat the child as yours; never possess the child. It comes through you, but it is not yours. God has only used you as a vehicle, a medium—but the child is not your possession. Love, but never possess the child. If the mother starts possessing the child, then the child’s life is destroyed—he starts becoming a prisoner. You are destroying his personality, and you are reducing him to a thing. Only a thing can be possessed: a house can be possessed, a car can be possessed, but never a person. So this is the first lesson—get ready for it. Before the child comes, you should be able to greet him as an independent being, as a person in his own right, not just your child.

The second thing… Treat a child with deep respect

Treat the child as you would treat a grown-up. Never treat a child like a child. Treat him with deep respect. God has chosen you to be a host. God has entered into your being as a guest. The child is very fragile, helpless. It is very difficult to respect the child. It is very easy to humiliate the child. Humiliation comes very easy—because the child is helpless and cannot do anything, cannot retaliate, cannot react.

Treat the child as a grown-up, and with great respect. Once you respect the child, you don’t try to impose your ideas on him. You don’t try to impose anything on the child. You simply give him the freedom—freedom to explore the world. You help him to become more and more powerful in exploring the world—but you never give him directions. You give him energy, you give him protection, you give him security, all that he needs—but you help him to go farther away from you to explore the world.

And, of course, in freedom the wrong is also included. It is very difficult for a mother to learn that when you give freedom to a child, it is not freedom only to do good. It is also necessarily the freedom to do bad, to do wrong. So make the child alert, intelligent, but never give him any commandments. So if you really love the child, the one thing has to be remembered: never, never help him in any way, force him in any way, to become a hypocrite.

And the third thing… listen to nature

Don’t listen to the morality, don’t listen to religion, don’t listen to culture—listen to nature. Whatsoever is natural is good—even if sometimes it is very difficult for you, very uncomfortable for you. Because you have been not brought up according to nature. Your parents were not bringing you up with real art, love. It was just an accidental thing. Don’t repeat the same mistakes. Many times you will feel very uneasy…

For example, a small child starts playing with his sexual organs. The natural tendency of the mother is to stop the child because she has been taught that this is wrong. Even if she feels that nothing is wrong, if somebody is there she feels a little embarrassed. Feel embarrassed!

That is your problem; that has nothing to do with the child. Even if you lose respectability in society, lose—but never interfere with the child. Let nature take its own course. You are there to facilitate whatsoever nature is unfolding—you are not to direct nature. You are just to be there as a help.

Start meditating during pregnancy

And start meditating. Before the child is born, you should go as deeply as possible in meditation. When the child is within your womb, whatsoever you are doing continuously goes as a vibration to the child. If you are angry, your stomach has a tension of anger. The child immediately feels it. When you are sad, your stomach has an atmosphere of sadness. Immediately the child feels dull, depressed. The child totally depends on you—whatsoever is your mood is the mood of the child.

The child has no independence right now: your climate is his climate. So no more fighting, no more anger. That’s why I say that to be a mother is a great responsibility. You will have to sacrifice much.

Now during the nine months, you have to be very, very alert. The child is more important than anything else. If somebody insults you, accept it, but don’t get angry. Say, “I am pregnant, and the child is more important than getting angry at you. This episode will pass and after a few days I will not remember who has insulted me and what I have done. But the child is going to be there at least 70 – 80 years in the world. It is a big project.”

If you want, note it down in the diary. When the child is born, then you can be angry—but not right now. Just say, “I am a pregnant mother. I cannot be angry—that is not allowed.” This is what I call sensitive understanding. No more sadness, no more anger, no more hatred, no more fighting… Both parents have to look to the child. When a child is there, you are both secondary; the child has every preference. Because a new life is going to be born, and it is going to be your fruit. If from the very beginning anger, hatred, conflict, enters into the child’s mind, then you are creating hell for him. He will suffer. Then it is better not to bring a child into the world. Why bring a child into suffering?

In the first place, bringing a child into this world is a very risky affair. But even if you want that, at least bring a child who will be totally different in this world—who will not be miserable, who will at least help the world to be a little more celebrating. He will bring a little more festivity into the world… a little more laughter, love, life.

So for these days, be celebrating. Dance, sing, listen to music, meditate, love. Be very soft. Don’t do anything hectic, in a hurry. Don’t do anything in tension. Just go slowly. Slow down absolutely. A great guest is to come—you have to receive him.

Excerpted from The Book of Woman/Courtesy Osho International Foundation

This was first published in the September 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Osho on “the art of motherhood” appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

If you’re a new mother or know one who has been experiencing these feelings, these may be signs of post partum depression [PPD].

Baby blues v/s PPD

Often, the symptoms of PPD get ignored as they are pushed under the umbrella of ‘baby blues’ or ‘mood swings’. If left undiagnosed and untreated, they can lead to morbid consequences. Hence, it’s important to differentiate between the two.

Baby blues are experienced by a majority of mothers post delivery. Baby blues include crying spells, irritability, anxiety and tiredness prevailing for a few days up to two weeks after delivery. These symptoms do not interfere with the daily functioning of the mother and usually fade away with proper rest, adequate nutrition and family and social support.

PPD is a serious problem where the mother experiences multiple symptoms like exaggerated mood swings, loss of pleasure in day-to-day activities, negative feelings like guilt over inability to take care of the baby, anger towards the baby or the family members, fear of harming the baby and extreme lack of concern towards the baby. The mother also suffers from disturbed sleep, excessive crying, feeling of helplessness or hopelessness, fatigue, lack of concentration, emotional and physical numbness, hyperventilation, anxiety, loss of appetite and intrusive thoughts.

More serious symptoms include homicidal or suicidal ideas. These symptoms could start in the first four weeks or within a couple of months post delivery. The symptoms could put the mother, baby and the entire family through emotional and physical turmoil.

Risk factors

The cause for PPD differs from woman to woman. Most studies attribute genetic vulnerability, drastic hormonal [oestrogen and progesterone] changes and variations in serotonin and norepinephrine [neurotransmitters in the brain] as the main contributors to the disorder.

However, some risk factors play an equally important role in the onset of this disorder. These include:

• Family history of psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression in the mother.
• Lack of partner, family and social support.
• Marital discord, single motherhood, unwanted or unplanned pregnancy, death in the family, stressful life events and premenstrual syndrome.

Premature child birth or child born with mental or physical disability, difficult temperament of the new born baby, financial difficulties, high expectations from oneself, low self-esteem, feeling of unattractiveness and loss of identity are other contributing factors.

Are you experiencing PPD?

Have you delivered a baby recently and

• Feel low, hopeless or depressed?
• Feel absolute lack of interest in carrying out day-to-day activities?
• Experience fatigue or inability to take care of your child?

If you have answered yes to the above questions, you might be experiencing PPD; consult a mental health professional for diagnosis and support.

Overcoming PPD

• Once diagnosed with PPD, educate yourself about it. This will help you identify the symptoms and deal with unhelpful behaviours. Include bibliotherapy in your healing process. Read books about the disorder. American actress Brooke Shields has shared her experience with PPD in her book Down Came the Rain. Reading about the experiences of others will give you the feeling that you are not alone.
• Understand that having a baby is not the end of your identity. It is a new facet to your persona.
• Share your feelings and fears with your spouse, family and friends.
• Spend quality time with your partner and maintain a supportive circle of friends.
• Get a house help to assist you with household chores or taking care of the baby.
• Don’t try to be a super woman—share your responsibilities with others. Have realistic expectations and reasonable demands on yourself.
• Take up at least one pleasurable activity such as listening to music or reading a book every day.
• Don’t plan major transitions during pregnancy or post-delivery such as a new job or moving houses as it adds to the stress.
• If you have a history of depression or other mood disorders, consult a psychiatrist or psychologist before delivery to keep your mood in check and to take preventive measures like therapy.
• Get yourself treated for physiological problems like hormonal imbalance, thyroid, and vitamin deficiencies as they too could be responsible for making you feel down.
• Acknowledge and accept your feelings.
• Stay active. Go for pram-walking with other moms from your neighbourhood.
• Learn to relax. Deep breathing exercises and yoga soothe the mind.
• Take small naps while your baby is sleeping.
• Maintain a schedule to help you complete tasks. Life seems easier, once tasks are manageable.
• Engage in positive self-talk: say to yourself, “I can handle this, well!”
• Don’t blame yourself.
• Write your thoughts down; journaling can help you vent difficult feelings and thoughts.
• Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Pamper yourself with a pedicure or a massage.
• Contact your doctor immediately if you start getting suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming your baby.
• Enlist the help of a professional. Therapy and medication together can work wonders and the sooner you get it the faster you’ll be out of this phase. Antidepressants help in PPD. However, talk to your doctor about the side-effects on you and your baby if you are breast feeding. A therapist can help you deal with the new role of a mother and the stress factors that come along with it. Therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy, marital therapy, family therapy, group therapy, and support groups have proved to be helpful.
• Follow the instructions of your health care provider.

New mothers could also be affected by other mental disorders such as postpartum panic disorder and postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder. But the good news is that these are curable. In the words of Kahlil Gibran: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest soul.” So don’t give up the fight until you triumph.

The post Delivered from depression appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.