• Introduction: When Your Parents Try to Control You Even When You are 40 Years Old
• Signs of Overbearing Parents in Adulthood and Its Effects on Adult Children
  • Withholding love and affection
  • Bullying
  • Disrespect
  • Criticism
  • Interference
  • Guilt-tripping
• Why Do Overbearing Parents Seek to Control Their Children
• Here’s How Adults Can Deal With Their Overbearing Parents
  • Communicate your needs and expectations
  • Develop strong boundaries
  • But, be assertive, not mean
  • Limit what you share with your overbearing parents
  • Notice the good, not just the bad in your parents
• Stop Looking for Approval of Your Parents

Introduction: When Your Parents Try to Control You Even When You are 40 Years Old

Does your mother constantly provide unsolicited advice on how to raise your children? Do you have memories of your father yelling at you for missing that free throw in your basketball game, which could have won the championship? Do your mom/dad have criticisms about the upkeep of your home and your decorative style even though you are over 40 now? If yes, you may be an adult child of an overbearing parent.

Many can dismiss these scenarios as behaviors of overbearing parents and leave it at that. But to do this only places judgement and doesn’t provide viable solutions to these frequent challenges you may face. Developing a better understanding for why your mother or father behaves the way they do can help you find compassion and interact with them in a more meaningful way. Parents, overall, want the best for their children. But when does wanting the best for your children start to become detrimental to their wellbeing?

Signs of Overbearing Parents in Adulthood and Its Effects on Adult Children

1. Withholding love and affection

Withholding love and affection is one type of behavior; it can be a form of control. If your parents give you the cold shoulder when you decide you want to move to another city for better career prospects rather than living in the same city as them, this is a form of seeking control over your life. In my own work with clients, I have seen adults aged 40+ struggle with feelings of guilt because of their parents reactions to their decisions.

When parents withhold love and affection from their children to try and influence their behavior, these children often feel guilty for their own attempts to develop autonomy and independence. Children will do things for the sake of appeasing their parent’s needs. If this is a consistent pattern, children will grow into adults who struggle with low self-esteem. A study published in 2013 in the Journal of Child and Family Studies showed that college students who have a controlling mother or father indicate higher levels of depression and less satisfaction in life.

2. Bullying

Bullying is another thing that is exhibited by controlling parents. Your mom may talk to your wife about how she treats you within your own marriage; your dad may minimize your feelings and opinions about various topics to persuade you to agree with his point of view. A study published in 2015 in Emerging Adulthood showed that the detrimental effects of controlling parenting styles are still present, regardless of the level of warmth a parent provides to their children.

3. Disrespect

Many overbearing parents tend to show complete disregard to your need for freedom and self-determination. They may frequently dismiss your choices and label them as immature and dumb. They may want to exert influence on every aspect of your life, and when you don’t allow that, they make their scorn apparent. This can hurt your self-esteem and cause you to have lots of self-doubt.

4. Criticism

Excessive criticism of their children even into their adulthood is the hallmark of overbearing parents. They criticize every small mistake you make such that you come to depend on their approval for small and big decisions of life.

5. Interference

Controlling parents like to constantly interfere in the daily affairs of their adult children’s lives as that gives them a feeling of control and relevance. Naturally, such constant interference leads you to start feeling suffocated and can cause great anxiety too.

6. Guilt-tripping

One of the ways such parents seek to control their adult children is by using guilt to manipulate their children into doing something such as visiting/calling them more often or seeking their permission for small and big decisions of their life. Children who are made to feel guilty by their parents become unhappy and may also develop self-loathing.

Related » 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It

Why Overbearing Parents Seek to Control Their Children

So what is the driving force behind these frustrating behaviors? Anxiety is one probable cause. Individuals who struggle with anxiety often try to control things within their environment in order to feel a sense of control within themselves. The problem with this is that these individuals end up alienating the people around them. Fear could also be a potential reason why your mom or dad is overbearing. Parents sometimes see themselves in you, catching glimpses of their own personalities and challenges as they watch you live your life. They may be fearful of you making the very same mistakes they did at some point. Mental illness is also an area to consider. There have been times through my work with individuals where it was clear that their parents struggled with mental illness, which has gone untreated throughout their life. How challenging and fearful life must have been for these parents!

So with all this information, what does a person do to manage this?

How Adults Should Deal With Their Overbearing Parents

As a therapist, it’s pretty obvious that I’m going to suggest “communication” as a way to manage this issue.

1. Communicate your needs and expectations

Have you taken the time to clearly state to your parent what your needs are? If not, it’s time to consider having that awkward conversation with your mother, asking her to stop giving you unsolicited advice about what you should do within your marriage.

A good way to approach this conversation is to use what I call “The Sandwich Method” of communication. The following is an example: “Mom, I know you’re concerned about how my husband and I parent our children, but I would appreciate it if you can stop providing us with advice unless we ask for it. I love you very much for always being concerned for us because I know you want what’s best for our family.”

Do you see what I just did? Positive statement, introduction of a dilemma with a proposed solution, and ending with another positive statement. Using this method of communication acknowledges the strengths the person has, but also provides a clear statement of what you want from that person in a non-threatening manner.

2. Develop strong boundaries

So perhaps you’re thinking right now, “I’ve talked to my mother about this already, and she still does the same thing.” My next suggestion is to develop strong boundaries with your controlling parents.

3. Be assertive, not mean

Maintaining boundaries with people in general is difficult if you are not used to doing them. I’ve heard clients say, “I don’t want to be mean.” Being clear about your needs and informing someone that they are stepping over your personal boundary is not mean; it’s assertive. You are also acknowledging that you deserve to be treated in a manner that is respectful of who you are and what you want in life.

Keep in mind, though, that you still want to be respectful to the other person. Aggressive behavior is not the same as assertiveness, nor is it respectful. Yelling and name calling only adds to the already tense relationship between you and your overbearing parents. My earlier example of communication with parents is one way of developing a boundary.

4. Limit what you share with your overbearing parents

If nothing else works then another way to set a boundary is by censoring the topics you share with your controlling mother or father. The bottom line is that if you’ve already spoken to your parents about their overbearing behavior and they still try to control your life, it’s up to you to create that boundary for yourself. You can’t force people to change, but you can certainly change things about yourself. So if you know that child rearing is a hot button topic that gets you and your parents started into a downward spiral of anxiety, judgment, guilt and frustration, avoid the topic and talk about the last movie you saw or the new restaurant you enjoyed.

5. Notice the good, not just the bad

If you’ve made a point to set those boundaries, look for the times that they have respected those wishes. It’s a lot easier to notice the annoying moments and tense exchanges, but how would you know if there was a moment when your mom held back a negative comment? Are there times you have shared something personal with your dad, expecting him to have a critical reply but instead he was encouraging? Foster those moments with your parents; share with your dad how much you appreciate those kind words and support.

Stop Looking For Approval From Your Parents

Finally, here is something to reflect on: Stop seeking approval from your parents.

Earlier I shared with you how some controlling parents withhold love and affection when you don’t do something they agree with. We all enjoy praise and approval from our parents, but if we don’t receive it, does that really define who we are?

This is your path in your life and you are the sole person who determines where that path takes you. Parents definitely have a strong influence, especially when you are young, but eventually it is your choice on what you do with what they’ve given you. You can agree with the path that parents have set for you, you can take what you like about what you’ve learned from them and forget everything else, or you can even create an entirely new path for yourself. The choice is yours; no one can take away that choice, not even the most overbearing parents.

Also read » To Prevent Burnout, Set Clear Boundaries

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My birth mother was a depressed, angry woman. She was unkind toward me and screamed at me on most days. Yet, there were also time times when she was extra kind toward me, helping me with my homework and cooking scrumptious dishes. Though a perfectionist by disposition, she had a creative flair in embroidery, displayed a zest for learning something new and had great sense of organisation.

She kept oscillating between these polarities and the entire spectrum. However, the child in me couldn’t comprehend such oscillation, especially when she would be verbally abusive, physically violent, and emotionally unavailable for me.

My mother wounds

Being a medical doctor by training, I speak to you in the language of wounds and healing, and what childhood neglect does to you. The shadow aspect of my mother inflicted wounds in me while the kinder aspects would soothe the wounds. Some days the wounding would be intense and there was no time left for the wound to heal. This way my wounds grew deeper and deeper. It was only a few years ago, when I was in my 50s, that I learned that these wounds a mother inflicts on the psyche of her child are called “mother wounds”.

My birth mother had hurt me so badly that subconsciously I developed an urge to become the best mother in the world. Yes, I dreamed of being a mother from childhood. I would wait for my breasts to grow, and when they didn’t, I would place tennis balls to mimic them and pretend I was a mother to my dolls, breastfeeding them, not knowing that it was my inner child who sought the nourishment.

As I grew, I became overtly maternal. I took it upon me to mother others. And I was attracted to mother figures. As I studied in a convent school I was surrounded by nuns and female teachers and the ones I loved became my foster mothers. I latched onto them and became really clingy at times. But at the first sign of loud voices or reprimand, I would shut them out from my life and wallow in my motherless soup.

Another consequence of my mother wounds was that they left me with deep shame for my sexuality and being a woman. I had low self esteem and a poor body image. I buried myself in my books and academics and disconnected from my body. With my mother, even the natural process of menstruation was projected to me as dirty, and therefore a valid reason to keep me trapped in the house and to avoid playing with boys. I was made to cover up in dresses that were ankle length, had collars that choked my neck and chest measurements that pressed the growing breasts, leaving them with a message: don’t you dare grow bigger and fuller.

When I started my healing journey, I began to understand that these wounds are festering deep in the tradition and culture of society. That is why my wiser adult self chose not blame my mother for she had perhaps been tortured by her mother, who was, in turn, treated poorly by her mother and so on. Blaming or punishing her would not help me heal.

So what did help me to heal?

How I healed from my mother wounds

The energy of the wounded child had to be released and set free so that I could be free from her shackles and limiting beliefs. I had to change her voice, her dressing, her mannerisms and bring her to listen to her inner self.

Each wound was healed with deep love and compassion in the loving, nurturing, sacred circles of women, in the arms of love, in the thousands of pages of journals that carried the weight of my wounds and in prose and poetry laced with tears. Creative art including voice exercises and dance movements helped me to express my angst.

Here are a few things I did to help me heal

1. I took time off and went on solo holidays to work on my inner wounds
2. To overcome shame, I started taking sessions for women where we talked openly about our bodies and celebrated our sensuality
3. I used my voice to highlight the injustice in the system where women were made to disconnect from their bodies
4. I worked with my body and my menstrual cycle and opened a new relationship with my physical being
5. I cherished every new creation and found myself a team of cheerleader friends
6. I fed myself wholesome and nourishing soul food; I cooked for me, sang for me, nurtured myself
7. I took long baths with fragrant oils and bath salts; I massaged every part of my body with love and cried copious tears in the bathroom
8. To release the shame some more, I danced to Bollywood item numbers in the privacy of my bedroom and only my mirror as the audience

Final words

Thus I birthed a new mother within me who is no longer like the meddling nagging mother from the fairy tales but the queen mother, the fairy godmother who has her daughter’s interests at heart and this inner mother has taught me to draw safe boundaries, speak my truth, be my authentic self and share my creativity with the world without inhibitions.

She is healing gently, the wounded daughter but this inner mother now stands tall by her side.

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These heart-wrenching dilemmas can shape not only the life of the child but also the entire family dynamic. A mother’s response in such moments becomes a defining factor in determining the emotional wellbeing and future of her child. Let’s explore real-life scenarios that reveal the crucial role of maternal intervention in times of paternal rejection.

When a Father Rejects His Child

Case 1: When the Mother is Unable to Act Forcefully

Sudhir’s mother chose her own survival over her son’s emotional safety. As a child, Sudhir was regularly subjected to verbal and physical abuse by his father for even the smallest infractions, such as not responding quickly enough when called. His monthly allowance was accompanied by hurtful insults like “you good-for-nothing, living off my wealth.” This escalated to public humiliation in adulthood, including being caned in front of guests for a minor car accident.

Sudhir’s mother, despite her meek pleas for mercy, remained passive due to her own financial insecurities. She neither asserted herself nor considered leaving the abusive marriage, effectively failing to protect her son. By the age of 24, Sudhir was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and at 32, he still cowers in fear at the sound of his father’s footsteps, scarred by the deep wounds of rejection and neglect.

Case 2: When the Mother Fails to Take a Stand

Ajit’s story mirrors Sudhir’s in many ways, yet his outcome was different. Ajit always dreamed of becoming a fashion designer, a passion that his father dismissed as disgraceful.

Ajit would dress up his sister’s dolls, and sketch pretty women. He would his mother and sisters on their clothes, for which his father labeled him “gay” in a derogatory manner, rejecting both his talent and his identity.

During one particularly humiliating episode, Ajit left home, deeply wounded by his father’s rejection. His mother, who remained a silent bystander throughout his torment, did nothing to support him. Today, Ajit is a successful yet bitter fashion designer. His unresolved pain manifests in volatile relationships with his family and staff, and he continues to seek validation from the father who rejected him. Despite his success, Ajit remains haunted by his mother’s inaction, wishing she had stood by him when he needed her the most.

Case 3: When the Father Rejects His Child But Mother Stands By

Rohini’s experience reveals a different path. Her father, a self-made businessman, provided her with material comforts but imposed strict rules on her behavior, including forbidding her from interacting with boys. When Rohini, at 19, was caught outside an ice-cream parlor with a boy, her father exploded with anger, calling her derogatory names and threatening to cut off her allowance.

In contrast to the previous stories, Rohini’s mother stood firm in her defense, even when her husband threatened to throw both of them out. With her mother’s unwavering support, Rohini moved to a hostel, and her mother continued to encourage her to be independent and true to herself. Today, Rohini is a self-assured woman, forever grateful for her mother’s courage and guidance.

The Mother’s Response is Crucial

These cases highlight a key truth: when a father rejects his child, the mother’s response can shape the trajectory of the child’s life. Whether driven by fear, financial dependence, or emotional insecurity, a mother’s decision to remain passive can have devastating consequences. Conversely, when a mother steps up to defend her child, she can empower her child to face the world with confidence.

Families where one or both parents fail to prioritize the child’s welfare often become dysfunctional, leaving children feeling emotionally orphaned. The resulting emotional damage can manifest in mental health issues, behavioral problems, and a misguided search for love and validation elsewhere. When a mother neglects her role as the child’s protector, the child feels abandoned, leading to anger, anxiety, and depression. But when a mother stands firm in her role, her children grow into empowered, independent adults.

Case 4: When the Mother Takes Charge

Seema, a mother of two, faced regular verbal abuse from her husband but coped by focusing on raising her children and earning a living through private tutoring. The situation escalated when her husband began verbally attacking their children and refused to finance their higher education. Seema, realizing she could tolerate the abuse herself but not her children’s rejection, took decisive action. She filed for divorce, determined to provide for her children even with her limited means.

Seema’s children, inspired by their mother’s courage, worked hard and achieved successful careers. They remain grateful for her strength and resolve in choosing their well-being over her own comfort.

Why a Mother’s Role is Sacred

Existence has entrusted the mother with the sacred work of nurturing life in the form of the children born through her [referred to as life’s longing for itself by Kahlil Gibran], and therefore you need to live up to the trust placed in you as caregivers to these children. Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet,

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Summing Up

Mothers are the stabilizing force in a child’s life, guiding them toward their potential, even when the father falters. When a father rejects his child, the mother’s decision to either step in or stand aside profoundly impacts the emotional and psychological health of the child. A mother’s strength, support, and unconditional love are the foundation upon which a child builds their future.

Last updated on 24^th September 2024

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The breadwinner husband with a six-figured annual salary, and a smiling stay-at-home mother, who despite running after a toddler and the wailing baby strapped on her shoulders, is impeccably dressed, right from the floral frock she wears down to the gorgeous pearl set around her neck.

Now imagine what would happen if you flipped this so-called “traditional and typical” family image on its head, and ended up with a wife who is the primary [or even sole] breadwinner and a husband [not in a floral frock, hopefully!] who’s taking care of a baby while, say, cleaning the house or folding laundry.

A stay-at-home husband? Outrageous!

I’ve asked a lot of people about this hypothetical scenario. The general consensus has been that it sounds unrealistic, comical and perhaps even displays shades of a marriage that isn’t functionally accurate. At first, I was amused by the initial responses. However, as more and more people chimed in with similar responses, the amusement slowly changed to anger; perhaps just as you’re feeling right now. Sadly, this cuts a very sorry image of the society that we live in; one that, despite all their educated decisions and tolerances, refuses to acknowledge that there is a wave of role-reversal in process.

Over the years, I’ve been asked plenty of uncomfortable questions; some just plainly intrusive, some others seemingly harmless but bundled neatly in a tone that I can only describe as mocking. The query of “how it felt to be stay-at-home dad” was one of the latter. Initially, I was surprised and rather shocked. But, as it went on, I started to take it in my stride and would often respond with a sarcastic reply. The truth, though, is that I am not sure that there is a definition that can do it justice. I have to be honest and say that it isn’t something that I’d fantasised about as a young kid. So, it wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to be a homemaker while my wife went to work. It sort of just happened.

Gender roles are set in stone

Even as I took on the role of the primary caregiver, I knew it wouldn’t be an easy ride. What I had not imagined was how difficult being a stay-at-home dad could be, in a society such as ours. Perhaps it’s because we’re too deep-rooted in our misguided beliefs. Such as the one that says it is preferable to have a man as the primary or sole breadwinner, while the woman is pushed to stay within the confines of the house. Or maybe it is because there is a stereotype that a man’s sense of self-worth is somehow ingrained in his ability to provide for his family. And what about the woman’s sense of self-worth, I hear you ask? Well, she’s just treated as a second-class citizen, isn’t she?

There is even a marked difference in the way women are addressed. The men are given a fancy term such as stay-at-home dad, while the mothers are just labelled homemakers. Personally, I find it demeaning. But then again, we are largely a patriarchal society. However, I’ve come to realise a discerning fact. Despite all the talk about feminism and the need for women to be at-par with men in our society, we find it difficult to stand up to that ideology of true equality. Often, when I enter a room that is predominantly [if not entirely] filled with women, there is an air of confusion, distrust and eerie silence. While they don’t say anything that makes me uncomfortable, the expressions on their faces often betray their thoughts. And that is something that I’ve really struggled to come to terms with.

Still the odd dad out

But as the saying goes, “practice sort of makes it perfect”. So having been a stay-at-home dad for almost two years now, I am used to being the odd male in a sea of women. Truth be told, it does make me feel like the Hindu god Lord Krishna, frolicking amongst his Gopis. Except for the fact that the “Gopis” here are mostly mothers or nannies, this “Krishna” has a naughty toddler who insists on doing the very opposite of what he’s told; and the “frolicking” is often a conversation about either illness, foods that the kids eat, the school they go to or a combination of all of the above.

What I’ve realised is that the more we constantly harp on about gender equality, the more we seem to be open to the idea of women joining the male bandwagon. However, we are still miles away from men doing activities [or even professions] that were once stereotyped as being for women. So in essence, the transformation or movement is only in one direction. Perhaps, it is to do with how society views us. They say it is acceptable for women to be homemakers, or even all right for women to be one of the earning members of the family while continuing to be care-givers. But should a reversal of roles occur, all hell breaks loose.

All guts and little [or no] glory

During the initial period, I was shunned by stay-at-home moms, who understandably found it odd to have a male adult in their midst. Other dads isolated me too and would conveniently steer the conversation towards their jobs, politics or sports—three areas that are, once again, stereotypically “male territory”. Between being labelled as a weakling and hen-pecked for lacking a heavy dosage of testosterone, I’ve been called a lot of things on this journey of being a stay-at-home father.

However, the biggest lesson that I’ve learnt is that you need bucket-loads of guts, confidence and courage, to rebel against what society accepts as a norm. In fact, it takes a man who is wholly secure with himself to go against the grain and do something different in the name of equality.

Of course, you will have to first make peace with the stares of women at the playground and the men who socially ostracise you. Oh, and then there are the teachers who insist on talking only to your wife about your offspring’s development. In fact, during the first PTA at our son’s new school, the teacher distinctly told my wife that she was unsure how to talk to me.

“Just as you would talk to any parent!” was my reply, as I walked off.

This was first published in the November 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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