The importance of successful conversation

Dear Jacques & Shona,
You have now been married for a little more than a month. You looked so happy together and I truly believe that you will have a blessed marriage. By now, I imagine that you have sorted through all the wedding photographs and sent out the thank you notes for the lovely wedding gifts you received. I wonder if you had a difference of opinion or perhaps an argument about one of the post-wedding responsibilities or decisions newlyweds need to make. Please remember that it is quite normal to have different views on matters. It is also normal to have arguments every now and then. It is unrealistic to expect that the two of you will always agree on everything. A successful marriage is not one without differences of opinion or arguments but one where two people develop the ability to process their differences and arguments constructively—which brings me to the importance of communication in marriage.

Successful communication and, more specifically, successful conversations are extremely important in a marriage. A successful conversation started your relationship, and continued successful conversations caused your relationship to grow to the point where you wanted to get married. Without successful conversations, a relationship cannot be born or grow, nor can it exist meaningfully. On this relationship journey you need successful conversation after successful conversation to constructively share and process your different opinions or views on all kinds of matters about everyday married life, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. You need to be able to discuss your different opinions successfully but the ability to do this is something that has to be developed.

Unfortunately, you are not born with this ability, just like you were not born with the ability to speak words. It would have been funny though. Can you imagine greeting the doctor while entering this world? The skill to speak words, which is only a small part of successful communication, is something that both of you had to develop during the first few years of your lives. In school you had to develop the skill to write words, which is another small part of successful communication. But the ability to speak and write words does not mean you have the ability to discuss important issues in marriage constructively—especially if you have different views on these issues.

Without successful conversations, a relationship cannot be born or grow, nor can it exist meaningfully

When communication is successful, it will bring life into your relationship and cause it to flourish. But, when your communication is unsuccessful, it will cause your relationship to wither and die.

So always remember that no marital issue, challenge, or difference of opinion has the ability to harm or diminish your relationship. It is the way you process marital issues, challenges, or differences of opinion that will make or break your relationship; which is why communication has been called the lifeblood or heartbeat of a marriage relationship.

—Gustav Muller

Three basic principles—a guideline for successful conversation

Dear Jacques & Shona
When we spoke to you on the phone the other day, you mentioned a movie you had seen together and it reminded me of how much your mom and I enjoy going to the movies. It’s one of those things that strengthen our friendship-bond—except for one day. At the end of the movie we saw that day, your mom declared that the movie was very unsettling. I immediately replied that I thought it was quite a good movie. She responded with a few reasons why it was not a good movie and I in turn defended my point of view. A perfectly wonderful evening got spoiled with an argument about the movie and on our way home you could have cut the atmosphere in the car with a knife. Neither one of us said anything.

The mistake I made that evening was to treat your mom as if I were right and she was wrong. I forgot the very first principle for a successful conversation, namely that we can both be right, or at least that we are both entitled to an opinion. You see, our respective opinions about something are generated by our respective inner worlds and our inner worlds are different. Yes, our inner worlds differ because we have different personalities, backgrounds and upbringings, all of which result in different world views, preferences and needs—and so the two of us look at things from different angles. Your mom and I, because of our different inner worlds, looked at the movie from different inner world angles and we were both right. In fact, we learned early on in our marriage that, no matter what we talk about, if we have different opinions about it, we are often both right [both of us are entitled to an opinion]. It’s a pity that we sometimes forget this valuable principle.

So, if our point of departure is that we could both be right, we can have a successful conversation. If not, our conversation might get very heated as we both try to prove that we are right—which implies that the other person is wrong—and as these passionate exchanges escalate, we might end up fighting.

We learned early on in our marriage that, no matter what we talk about, if we have different opinions about it, we are often both right

The second principle for successful conversation that we discovered is that we have to know when to position ourselves for the right kind of conversation. You see, there two different kinds of conversation of which one works well in certain instances while the other works well in other instances. This principle requires that one develops the ability to discern when to use which kind of conversation. In another letter I will discuss the two different kinds of conversations in more detail and then this principle will make more sense. For now it will be worth your while just to keep this second principle in mind.

The third principle we learned is that we have to allocate time to practise to communicate constructively. This involves setting time aside to discuss an issue, while actively trying to use all the tools that we will tell you about later on. You will remember that we said that having a successful conversation is a skill that needs to be developed—which means that we had to practise for a while until using these tools became second nature.

We discovered that as we took these principles to heart and put them into action, we were able to enjoy each other’s company much, much more.

—Gustav Muller

It’s impossible to stop communicating

Dear Jacques & Shona
You are probably still digesting the three principles that your dad wrote about in his previous letter, but there is one more I would like to add. At the beginning of our marriage, whenever we disagreed on something, we tended to argue in circles. It was so discouraging that I would eventually give up, stop communicating and leave the room. Later on in our marriage I realised that it’s impossible to stop communicating—for even when I stop talking, my body language and facial expressions continue to send out messages. Not even leaving the room can stop communication, because when I leave the room my absence communicates a message. My willingness or unwillingness to talk about something communicates a message. I am constantly sending out messages whether I want to or not.

It gets better. According to research, more than 80 per cent of a message is made up of all these non-verbal bits of information. That’s why experts go so far as to say that nonverbal information speaks louder than verbal information.

Not even leaving the room can stop communication, because when I leave the room my absence communicates a message

You also have to keep in mind that words have the power to enhance or damage a relationship.

Now for the interesting part. Let’s throw everything together. Words can enhance or damage, non-verbal information speaks louder than words and non-verbal communication can never be stopped. When I now look at the overall picture, I realise that my ability to communicate is something much bigger than I could ever have imagined.

So when God entrusted us with the ability to communicate, He entrusted us with something that has enormous power and can never be ‘switched’ off. This inspires me to keep on developing my communication skills, and also to take special care that my communication is positive and life-giving whenever possible. If I do this it will help protect the bond of love between your dad and me, and enable us to keep on enjoying each other’s company.

Before I say goodbye, here is something you can do: make a special date with each other just to talk about what I shared with you in this letter.

—Elna Muller

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• Counselling is stigmatised as a process only for ‘crazy people’. So couples are offended by the thought of being put in that category.
• The counselling process may shed light on the person’s own imperfections and clearly mirror the role they might be playing in their relationship status. This is something they may fear seeing as it would mean moving out of one’s comfort zone and changing for the sake of saving the relationship.
• If either or both of the partners have an inflated sense of self and believe they do not need the counselling process or that they are perfectly capable of handling their own issues then it’s a dead end. They may even pride themselves on being highly evolved and consider themselves as counsellors to others.
• Some couples refuse to accept in the first place that there is a problem. They believe that people must view them as perfect and competent at all times.
• Irrational beliefs such as seeking help is a sign of weakness and giving help is superior than seeking help.

The truth, of course, is very different. If there is anything worse than having a problem, it is being in denial of having one, and therefore not seeking timely help. The better way to handle a problem between you and your partner would be to:

• Firstly become aware that there is a problem
• Acknowledge that something needs to be done about it
• Admit that you too are playing a role in causing or complicating the problem
• Accept that help is necessary to bring about necessary changes
• Access the necessary help
• Act in new ways facilitated by the counselling process

Is it the right time to reach out

Some signs that hint it’s time you sought the guidance of a competent counsellor are:

• Either one or both are of you are progressively feeling discontented and distant in the relationship as the reasonable relationship needs are not being fulfilled. Emotional and physical intimacy is getting eroded by the attitude and behaviour of the other.
• Communication is multiplying problems rather than facilitating solutions with either one or both not feeling emotionally received in the relationship.
• Core values and lifestyle choices are so different that both of you cannot find a way to be happy and at the same time together. A win-win solution eludes you.
• All attempts of decision-making on matters that affect both, end in a conflict or a stalemate.
• Active/passive aggression or depression is visible in either one or both of you [Though, you may need outside help to identify these signs].
• Either one of you voices unhappiness in the relationship or the inability to get through to the other.
• Either one or both of the partners ask for couple’s counselling as s/he finds herself/himself incapable of understanding the relationship dynamics. S/he is unhappy, confused, anxious or angry and truly wants clarity on various issues which s/he is unable to get through to the partner.

If one partner resists couselling

Couple’s counselling is helpful only if both access it of their own free will. It is important that neither one begrudges the other on the suggestion of counselling.
If there is displeasure or anger associated with the counselling process it will be counter-productive. Moreover, resistance is an indicator that the partner cares more about herself/ himself than the relationship and will not move from her/his stated position on all matters. The resistant partner would then have to assume total responsibility for further deterioration of the relationship.

Discomfort-anxiety [I should not be made uncomfortable] and ego-anxiety [I should not be viewed as imperfect] are two key impediments in the resistant partners. If the partner who seeks counselling is unable to get the other to gracefully and willingly seek help together, then couple’s counselling cannot proceed. Then the unhappy partner could through individual counselling evaluate whether s/he can ever find personal happiness in the relationship, even if the relationship itself is not a fulfilling one. Based on that evaluation the individual could then take a call to either stay back, or exit the relationship.

Preparing for the first session

If both partners are willing to humbly subject themselves to the process because they truly care for the relationship, then they need to individually write out the core issues that according to them need to be resolved. This should be done before the first appointment with the counsellor. They should put down their needs that are not being addressed by the other, their present and future concerns based on the present status of the relationship, as well as insight [if any] into how they might be contributing to the problems, and finally what are the deal-breakers [if any] in the relationship. Preparing individually and in advance could help make the first session a fruitful one. It also indicates that both are willing to actively participate in the counselling process and assume responsibility to fix things. They are not immaturely assuming that the counsellor will be the ‘expert’ who will ‘fix’ their marriage with them passively subjecting themselves to the process. Remember that without the willingness to do all that it takes to sort things between both of you, and to actively participate in the healing of the relationship the counselor alone cannot help. When it comes to saving a failing relationship the willingness to change old ways becomes most important.

Should we agree in advance on issues to be discussed with the counsellor

It is not necessary that both discuss and agree with each other in advance about what will be spoken to the counsellor, as you both may have differing views on the same. If one of them is uncomfortable with a certain issue being brought up with the counsellor it is usually because of ‘discomfort-anxiety’ or ‘ego-anxiety’ but it might be the issue that is the biggest contaminant in the relationship and therefore it necessary to be brought up in counselling. Moreover, a discussion about what will be brought in counselling might provoke another conflict even before seeing the counsellor. Therefore both should prepare individually, and speak freely and in an uninhibited way to the counsellor bringing up everything that concerns them in the relationship. A professional and discerning counsellor knows how to separate the wheat from the chaff, and focus on relevant issues that highlight the need for change in both. Therefore both should simply speak their minds.

How much should we tell the counsellor

Both need to implicitly trust the counsellor and be completely open and vulnerable if you are to be helped as individuals, and if the relationship issues are to be honestly evaluated and negotiated. Withholding any data regarding facts, feelings, thoughts, opinions, needs, fears, concerns or beliefs can only be detrimental to the counselling process, as the counsellor can only work with what you bring to the table. Therefore, if one truly has a will to grow and work on the relationship then s/he will resort to transparency.

Choosing the right counsellor

It goes without saying that the counsellor should be professional, ethical, non-judgmental, respectful, discerning, empathetic, as well as someone who is capable of holding a mirror to you by confronting you compassionately as and when needed. A discerning counsellor is like a potter who holds the pot and moulds it at the same time, who can unconditionally accept an individual separate from his traits, as well as confront him/her for those traits/behaviours that need to be transcended. The beneficent counsellor is one helps with insight into yourself and is willing to struggle with you to nurture your growth.

It is best to go to a counsellor who comes recommended by others who can vouch that they have been truly helped. A good counsellor is one who herself is living effectively. Just as you would not take a cough medication from one who is coughing himself, similarly you need to find out about the counsellor before seeking help. There are many who set up shop and preach what they do not practise. Only one who nurtures healthy relationships in one’s own life will be competent and effective in helping you live effectively and nurture healthy relationships.

Finally, I repeat that for couple’s counselling to be effective both partners must have the ‘will to nurture a healthy relationship’, and the counsellor must have the ‘will to dedicate’ herself to such growth in both partners.

This was first published in the December 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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