— Anthony de Mello, Awakening: Conversations with the Masters [2003]

When you blame someone, it is your ego which passes judgment on that person. You base yourself on information that is extremely limited, highly biased and selfish. This is a common human reaction, because people operate primarily out of self-interest.

Sometimes you, in your self-interest, will be annoyed by someone else’s expression of their self-interest. Fortunately, everyone also has the power to make proactive choices. You can decide to shift from anger to understanding, from blame to empathy. You can look beyond a person’s negative traits to the positive characteristics found at the core of his or her being. You can be forgiving by refusing to see things in black and white and differentiating the various ‘colors’ in each individual.

When you decide to forgive someone, the whole scenario begins to change. Not instantly or spontaneously, especially in the case of serious offenses, but through a process of sifting out vicious thoughts and revengeful emotions. Nevertheless, the moment you make the shift and release your negativity toward the offender, you will feel as if you are on cloud nine—free, self-possessed and master of yourself.

Forgiveness Helps You Transcend Negative Emotions

Forgiveness is your radical decision to release feelings of resentment, frustration, anger or revenge toward a person or group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve forgiveness. It is an exclusively personal choice.

“Forgiveness stands on the truth that what happened to me was unfair, it is unfair, and it will always be unfair, but I will have a new response to it,” explains Dr Robert Enright [The Forgiving Life, 2012]. No one can compel you to do so. It is an unconditional choice by which you no longer want to punish or demand compensation in order to get even.

In forgiveness, you not only discard negative-tending emotions, but also acquire positive-motivating ones. You substitute anger, hurt and self-pity with understanding, compassion and service. You transcend your inimical attitudes and and develop a friendly mindset toward the offender. This is an entirely internal matter, a personal choice and does not involve any contact with the offender. The transformation takes place within you.

Forgiveness Liberates You From Hurt

Forgiveness is its own reward; it heals you and restores your sense of wellbeing. Some people are so blinded by hurt that they believe that carrying resentment or grudges will punish the person who has wronged them. But they are mistaken. For, as someone wisely put it, choosing not to forgive is like deciding to go through life carrying a hot coal of bitterness, resentment, blame and anger, just waiting to throw it at those who offend you. While you are holding onto it, your own hands get burned and scarred, as do your heart and body. In a sense, by carrying resentment, you become vulnerable and allow the alleged offender to continue hurting you. Forgiveness frees you from those clutches and helps you maintain your self-esteem. Thus, forgiveness is for you and not for the other.

Three Ways in Which Forgiveness Empowers You

1. Living in the present

Resentment keeps you fixated in the past, over which you have no control. Forgiveness lets bygones be bygones, so that you can focus on the present and move into the future. Forgiveness empowers those who allow themselves to come under its spell to be more compassionate to themselves and others. As Philip Friedman, author of The Forgiveness Solution: The Whole Body Rx for Finding True Happiness, Abundant Love and Inner Peace [2010], says, “Forgiveness allows you to release the past and to cross the bridge from the path of fear and negativity to the positive path of light and love.”

2. Exercising willpower

Thinking over the past unpleasant events generates an entirely new sequence of thoughts, emotions and actions that reopen the wounds. Forgiveness ends this vicious cycle. It provides you the opportunity to prove you have the willpower it takes to be in charge of your life.

3. Managing emotions

Through forgiveness you give yourself permission to feel the variety of emotions evoked by the offense and process them. You become aware of the self-destructive influences of anger, bitterness, resentment, and hate over your body-mind-spirit, and decide to release them freely and convincingly.

Related » The prime beneficiary of forgiveness is the one who forgives

Forgiveness Helps Heal Your Body

In his book Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All [1999], Gerald G Jampolsky states that an “unforgiving mind hoards fear, misery, pain, suffering, despair, weariness and doubt—all of which can produce toxic side effects of physical problems, including headaches, backaches, stomach-aches and ulcers, depression, lack of energy, anxiety, irritability, tenseness, insomnia, unhappiness and free floating fear [not attached to anything].” When you forgive, you let go of all this toxicity, and you allow yourself the chance to heal completely.

Conclusion

The post The Wonderful Ways Forgiveness Can Change Your Life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In this article I will take you through each of the four stages stage of forgiveness to help you start forgiving because, as you will see, it is so vital to your health, happiness and peace of mind.

The Four Stages of Forgiveness

1. Hurt

The first stage of forgiveness is hurt. Someone has wronged me, done something mean to me; someone has been unfair to me and I cannot forget it; I feel hurt. The hurt keeps on throbbing within me. It is here that we must remember that it is not I who feels hurt, but the ego.

A woman met a holy man and confessed that she had resentment in her heart against a prominent sister of the community. The holy man said to her, “Go to her immediately. Don’t try to justify or excuse yourself. Tell her that you have had an unkind thought about her. Be humble and ask for forgiveness.”

The woman said, “I can’t do that. I can’t forget the hurt she had inflicted on me.”

The woman was at the first stage – the stage of hurt. Those that are at this stage naturally hold grudges, not realizing that those who hold a grudge injure themselves more than the ones against whom the grudge is held.

Hatred and malice, like anger and worry, bring harm to the body, since they poison the blood. And they keep on increasing, for, “a grudge is the only thing that does not get better when it is nursed.”

2. Hate

Hurt leads to hate, which is the second stage. I cannot forget how much I have been hurt and so cannot send out thoughts of goodwill to my enemy. In some cases, I hate the person so much that I want him or her to suffer, as much as I am suffering.

Madam Chiang Kai-Shek hated the Japanese. Her mother was a pious woman who prayed often. Madam Chiang said to her, “Why don’t you pray to God that He may drown Japan in the waters of the ocean?”

Her mother, of course, said to her, “My child, how can I offer such an evil prayer?”

An artist once painted Hatred as an old man shriveled up, pale as death, clutching in his claws lighted torches and serpents, and cruelly tearing out his own heart with black, decayed teeth. Asked to explain the significance of the picture, the artist said, “Hatred is an old man because it is as ancient as mankind; pale because he who hates, torments himself and lives a tragic life; with claws because it is so unmerciful; with torches and serpents because it creates discord; and it tears out its heart because it is self-destructive.”

3. Healing

Hurt leads to hate. Then comes the third stage—healing. God’s grace descents on me and I begin to see the person who has hurt me in a new light. I begin to understand his or her difficulty. My memory is healed and I am free again.

A girl came to a holy man and said, “I know not why, but I am unable to sit in silence and pray or meditate. I feel restless. I used to be so happy.”

The holy man asked, “Why do you think is it so?”

The girl answered, “I think it has something to do with one whom, at one time, I regarded as a friend. But she was very cruel to me, and I said that I would never forgive her, never talk to her. I am sorry I said it, but since then there has been no peace in my heart. What shall I do?”

The holy man said, “It is better to break a bad vow than to keep it. Go to her and seek her forgiveness.”

The next morning, she went to her friend and confessed her uncharitable attitude and asked her forgiveness.

The one whose forgiveness was sought burst into tears. She said, “You have come to ask for forgiveness. It is I who should be asking for forgiveness, for I am ashamed of my wrong attitude.”

The two friends were reconciled.

4. Coming together

After healing comes the fourth stage of coming together. I am anxious to make friends with the person who hurt me; I invite him into my life. I share my love with him and we both move to a new and healed relationship.

Conclusion

Forgiveness isn’t reserved only for the saints and sages. It is not a feat of supernatural power. It is just about letting go of the hurtful past, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. Forgiveness asks you to see things differently, look at life from a new perspective. It is the realization that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

Forgiveness and love are really two sides of the same coin. And love, as you know, is the strongest force in the world.

The post Dada Vaswani Shares the Four Stages of Forgiveness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A woman suffered from severe rheumatic pains in the knee joint. No medicines were of any avail. The pain went on increasing, until a holy man she met asked her, “Do you hold a grudge against anyone?”

She hesitated, then answered, “My mind is seething with resentment against my own sister who did not behave properly towards me.” The holy man said to her, “Your pains will disappear only when you forgive her and make peace with her.”

At first, she found it difficult to do so. Later, she met her sister and giving her a hug said to her, “Let bygones be bygones! Let us begin anew!” To her amazement, she found that soon thereafter the pains disappeared. No wonder forgiveness is called the noblest virtue.

Can’t reconcile? You can still forgive

Even when reconciliation is not possible, forgiveness is in your hands. George Macdonald writes: “It may be infinitely worse to refuse to forgive than to murder, because the latter may be the impulse of a moment of heat, whereas the former is a cold and deliberate choice of the heart.”

Forgiveness need not be a struggle, if we realise that it is also a great gift and a blessing. It is a choice that we make: either to love or hate, to punish or pardon, to heal or hurt. We choose to tread the path of peace and reconciliation, rather than succumb to bitterness. To quote the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., “Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.”

Forgiveness is above justice. Justice seeks to punish, forgiveness seeks reconciliation. As Shakespeare puts it so beautifully,

Though Justice be thy plea, consider this:
That in the course of justice none of us should see salvation.
We do pray for mercy
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy

Not just for the spiritually evolved

Forgiveness is not for saints and sages. How often have we not come across people, who, when urged to forgive and forget, will retort with passion, “I am not a Mahatma, I am not a saint, I am only human!” So many of us believe that we cannot forgive; that it is too difficult, that it is the prerogative of saints and other evolved souls and not for the likes of us.

Forgiveness need not be a feat of supernatural power. It is just a way of putting the past behind you, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. It is a way of seeing things differently, looking at life from a new perspective. It is the realisation that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

The noblest virtue indeed

Forgiveness is the noblest virtue. Let me share a story to illustrate this:

A rich old man divided all his property equally among his sons. However, he withheld an expensive diamond ring, which was a family heirloom. His sons were being sent out to travel and take on the world. When they returned on a certain specified day, the diamond ring would go to him who had done the noblest deed. On the appointed day the sons returned home. They were asked to report on what they considered to be their noblest deed.

The first son said, “A wealthy banker handed over all his money to me for investment. I could have kept it all – but I served him honestly, and restored every pie of his to him, with interest.”

“That was indeed well done – but you only did what you should do,” said the father.

The second son said, “As I was walking along the seashore, I saw a little child who was about to drown.

At the risk of my life, I rushed into the roaring waves and rescued the child.”

“That was a brave deed – but not worthy enough to deserve the priceless ring!” was the father’s response.

It was the youngest son’s turn. “I was tending my sheep on the mountains, when I saw my bitterest enemy stumble on the edge of a precipice and fall. He hung on to the edge of the cliff in terror – I rushed to his aid and saved his life!”

“You are my pride and joy,” said the father.

“Returning good for evil is the noblest deed. The ring shall be yours!”

The post Forgiveness Is the Noblest Virtue, says Dada Vaswani appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Whatever time you do practise, make these happiness habits a ritual. And then be ready to experience a beautiful transformation in life.

5 essential daily happiness habits in just 5 minutes

Minute 1: Just breathe

It’s important because: Breathing connects us in to these wonderful bodies of ours. It grounds us. It releases tension. It relaxes body and mind. It keeps us alive! As you inhale, try visualising breathing in peaceful energy; as you exhale, imagine breathing out love. Really feel it. [Also read Breathe in—Stress out]

Minute 2: Give thanks

It’s important because: We spend most of our lives in haste, mostly unaware of all the wonder and beauty around us. When we become grateful, the universe responds in kind and we only receive more gifts. Gratitude is an essential daily happiness practice. [Also read It’s time to thank…]

Minute 3: Visualise tomorrow

It’s important because: It’s so easy to get caught up in your head. Worrying about tomorrow, and often about things you have no control over. This exercise creates the positive intention for your next day, and tells your mind ‘all is well’. It’s especially beneficial if you find it difficult to switch off from whirling thoughts.

Minute 4: Let go

It’s important because: If we’re not spending our time worrying about tomorrow, then we are usually fretting about yesterday. All the things that went wrong, the people that annoyed us, the things we wished we’d done differently. Honestly, it does you no good and only distracts you from being happy right now. [Also read 4 powerful tools for letting go, moving on and releasing regrets]

Minute 5: Give love

It’s important because: So often, the person who most needs our love and kindness is the one we most easily forget: ourselves. Give yourself love every single day and you will notice a true difference in how you feel inside. Then comes the magical part: as within, so without – you’ll naturally start to experience more love from others too. And love and happiness go hand-in-hand.

The post 5 essential happiness habits in just 5 minutes a day appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In this awe-inspiring Super Soul talk, she talks about how trying too hard and focusing too much on what you want can actually be counterproductive. When you want something really bad and it’s not coming to you, what you probably need is less of trying and more of surrender. But how does one surrender? Gabby gives us five exact steps to follow, for spiritual surrender.

More about the speaker

Gabrielle  Bernstein is the #1 New York Times best-selling author of The Universe Has Your Back and has written four additional best sellers. She was featured on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday as a “next-generation thought leader,” and The New York Times named her “a new role model.” She appears regularly as an expert on The Dr. Oz Show and co-hosted the Guinness World Record largest guided meditation with Deepak Chopra.

The post 5 precise steps for spiritual surrender appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

This brings us to an important point about the meaning of forgiveness. Most people think that forgiving is about letting the perpetrator, the culprit, the wrongdoer go scot-free. Therefore, whether one can forgive or not depends on the degree of the misdeed. If the crime is grave—such as a terror attack, a murder or a rape—forgiveness is out of question. Of course, ‘degree of misdeed’ is subjective and differs from one victim to another. Still, whatever the act, the focus of forgiveness tends to always be on the offender. And that’s where the idea of forgiveness is misinterpreted.

Related » Here’s Why God Never Forgives

Forgiveness is about you, not the other

It is important to understand that you forgiving someone doesn’t absolve the person of the responsibility for the offense. In fact, forgiveness is NOT about the offender at all. It is about your own deepest feelings. The prime beneficiary of forgiveness is the one who forgives.

According to medical science, forgiving is immensely beneficial to your health—physical and emotional. The relief you feel when you finally let go of years of pent up bitterness cannot be described. When you forgive, it unlocks a tremendous amount of energy that was blocked by the negative feelings. Scores of people have reported significant transformation in all dimensions of their lives after undergoing the process of forgiveness.

Related » A 4-step guide on how to forgive someone (anyone!)

How to forgive

So how does one go about forgiving? The key to forgiveness is to separate the deed from the doer. This distinction is critical because some acts seem unforgivable—so much so that even the most large-hearted people are unable to view them kindly. But forgiveness is given to the person, not the act. And then again, it is given so that you are free from the clutches of ill-feelings you have towards that person. It’s always only about you.

The post The Prime Beneficiary of Forgiveness Is the One Who Forgives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There was something in those beautiful dark eyes which prevented me from sleeping for almost a week. I grew curious about her. This curiosity resulted in a beautiful friendship between both of us.

She was a post-graduation student. I proposed to her within a year. She was taken aback and whispered timidly, “Sorry dear. I know we both share a relationship that is deeper than friendship. I would love to accept your proposal but our society would never accept us. I am older than you. Besides, our faiths are different. I cannot let down my parents.”

There was something in those beautiful dark eyes which prevented me from sleeping for almost a week

She walked away as she said this and I stood there hoping she would turn back. As if something in her heard my hopes, she ran back to me, kissed me hard and said, “But I cannot live without you.”

And there was no turning back from there on. 10 years passed. We became inseparable. She waited for me to complete my Bachelor’s degree and supported me while I got settled. She became my life support.

But our relationship was riddled with insecurity. Most things can be mended but faith once betrayed is hard to mend. We were always suspicious that the other was having a secret affair. We became possessive to the point of ruthlessly invading each other’s space.

Tensions between us mounted. Discussions didn’t help. Instead there were more outbursts, quarrels and anxieties that led to depression. We tried hard but eventually came to an understanding that some relationships must end in friendship instead of a life partnership.

The breakup left me shattered. I took to alcoholism and eventually quit my job. My friends suggested counselling. One morning, whilst still in bed with a heavy hangover, I was making plans to end my life. With my paramedical background, I realised I needed help. I immediately made an appointment with a counsellor. On reaching there, I poured my heart out and breathed a sigh of relief. Fortunately for me, my life started getting back normal after a few sessions.

We tried hard but eventually came to an understanding that some relationships must end in friendship instead of a life partnership

Two years later, I saw her again at our University’s Silver Jubilee Meet. We crossed paths but didn’t dare to make eye contact. Standing apart from the crowd I watched her walking gracefully in a pink saree. Somewhere, the deep pain was relapsing again. I wanted to hug her, kiss her tight but knew deep down that she was with someone else.

Amidst the pain, I felt a warm hand holding my sweaty palm and softly whispering to me, “Go talk to her, it will ease your tension.” I saw a beautiful lady dressed in blue besides me. She was my wife—my friend for life. I kissed her on her forehead and said, “No, that’s a hallucination from the past. I’m lucky to be with you; my present and my future.”

Today, my partner knows my past as I know hers. She has given me the space to express myself, values my privacy and understands me better than I do. She gives me the conviction that some partnerships do end in great friendships. My prompt action in seeking counselling helped me step away from the brink of taking my own life, and her presence has strengthened my will to live.

As told to Joyeeta Talukdar

The post How My Wife Helped Me Heal From Past Heartbreak appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What about you? Is there something from your past that is hard to forgive? Do you want to let it go? Do you want to live your potential more fully by releasing the past? If so, try these steps:

Acknowledge your feelings

First, acknowledge your feelings related to the situation and actually feel them. Move through them. For 15 years, anger, depression, resentment and bitterness were subversive hijackers of my life. Once I learned how to acknowledge and feel these emotions, they not only lost their power, but also subsided.

Here are a few ideas to help you dive into your feelings about your situation:

• Make a list of the prevalent feelings you have related to the experience and/or your perpetrator. Be gentle with yourself
• Talk to yourself as if you were your best friend. What advice would you give to yourself?
• Find an outward expression for each of these feelings such as
  – expressive arts [collage, writing, ceramics, music, dancing]
  – physical expression such as punching a pillow, working out, running
  – spiritual expression such as meditation or prayer
  – counselling.

From the opposite perspective

Second, see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Our myopic view of the situation keeps us stuck in the past. Looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective is a very powerful exercise. Shifting our viewpoint allows us to understand others, put ourselves in their shoes and possibly have some empathy or compassion for them. This does not mean that we condone what that person did or that we completely understand it. When we imagine the experience from the other person’s point of view, we are acknowledging that there was another viewpoint to the experience, another set of values and morals at play.

Related »Ho’oponopono Explained: How 4 Phrases Can Shift Your Inner State

Here are some ideas to help you shift your perspective:

• Write about the experience from your own perspective. Then, sit in a different chair and try to embody your perpetrator. Write about the experience from his/her perspective
• Write a letter to yourself from your perpetrator with him/her explaining what happened from his/her perspective
• Retell the story, not the one where you’re a victim, but the one where you are a hero
• Think about what was right about this experience. What have you learned from going through this experience?

Release the bitterness

Third, release your bitter feelings. In order to do that, you may need to also let go of your identity in relation to it. We all create an identity in relation to what happens to us. Perhaps you are a scorned wife and feel vindicated by expressing your anger at the husband who cheated on you. Perhaps you are the victim of childhood abuse and you still feel like a victim and don’t know how to let go of that identity. You were not born feeling angry, resentful or vindictive. You were not born a victim. Let go of these accumulations and allow yourself to return to your pure humanity.

Here are some ideas to release your feelings:

• Write down all the benefits you would have if you let go of the bitter feelings
• How different would you be if you released all this blame and resentment in relationship with yourself? With others? At work?
• Ask yourself this question: given everything this person had to work with at the time, can I assume this person did the best he/she could in that moment?
• Bless and release. When feelings of resentment and blame surface, imagine what the feeling looks like and put it in a big bubble. Bless the bubble and blow on it. Watch it float away.

Choose forgiveness

And fourth, make the choice to forgive. Yes, forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. And you may need to forgive a transgression again and again until that becomes your new normal.

Here are a few ideas to foster forgiveness:

• Bless this person when they come to mind instead of cursing them
• Connect with your compassion. Can you extend some to your perpetrator? It may feel contrived at first, even false, but that’s often the case when we are retraining the brain. Fake it till you make it
• Stay committed. Forgiveness is not a one-time experience. Once you make the decision to forgive, you will be challenged and tested to stay committed to that decision. When the familiar bitter feelings return, remind yourself that you are choosing to forgive; you are choosing love.
• Maintain a forgiveness attitude. Instead of immediately getting angry at someone who cuts you off in traffic, get into the habit of blessing that person, understanding that there is a reason s/he did that that has nothing to do with you.
• Write out an intention statement to reinforce your intentions. Start with an “I am…” sentence that states who you are as you would like to be in relation to the situation. Example: I am compassionate and forgiving OR I am safe and strong OR I live my life with joy and involvement… Now add a sentence that includes how this makes you feel. Example: I feel free and empowered.

When it comes right down to it, forgiveness is a choice to release the past and walk into the future. It is an internal experience; your perpetrator never needs to know that you have forgiven him or her for you to feel the positive benefits of forgiveness.

Related » Restoring peace within with forgiveness

When we live in a place of fear, we embody debilitating emotions such as resentment, bitterness, apathy, blame—the list goes on. The more serious the transgression, the more vindicated we are in feeling these emotions. But when we live from a place of love, those emotions don’t have a home, they can’t land in our heart because there’s no room.

Forgiveness is not about condoning another’s actions or absolving them of restitution. Forgiveness isn’t even about the other person. The choice to forgive is always a gift we give ourselves.

The post A 4-step guide on how to forgive someone (anyone!) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A puppet on strings

Most people don’t realise that they’re essentially a puppet. They don’t realise that they’re attached to many, many kinds of strings. These strings are social beliefs, emotional traumas, biological instincts and much more; but often they are complete mysteries to most people. However, when one of the strings pulls on an arm, the arm immediately reacts.

For example, a young girl is insulted in school about the red shirt she is wearing. She doesn’t know why, but she instantly smacks the other girl’s face for the affront; it is completely reactive, and she thinks it’s because of the insult. In truth, it has to do with her lack of self-worth, which is connected to a deeper fight or flight survival mechanism. An ensuing fight creates more turbulence in both girls’ lives, and that creates additional pain and suffering for them, people at the school and their families. Later on, when asked about why she did what she did, this girl says, “I don’t know.”

These reactions happen for a lot of people in many situations because this is reactionary nature and it doesn’t stay limited to childhood and school life. It ripples upwards to heads of nations and states. Heads of countries feel slighted, so they cut off trade with other countries. Or worse still, they go to war. Imagined slights become real issues that become death and atrocity. It’s a horrible state of life that keeps happening over and over again, but it always begins at the level of the individual and how their strings are tied around them.

Identifying the strings in your life

I never say that living an enlightened life will be easy. Instead, dedicating ourselves to the spiritual path helps us to see where we make life hard for ourselves. When we address that, then things get easier within ourselves. The external world may still be very challenging, but at least we are no longer reacting mindlessly to the stimuli, insults and obstacles that are thrown our way. We do this by identifying the strings that are manipulating us. In general, I’d categorise these strings as:

• Biological and genetic
• Emotional
• Mental
• Subtle energy

The biological strings are simply the core animal instincts that still operate in us. They are mainly concerned with survival and procreation to continue the species. Many people are completely overwhelmed by these impulses, and they tend to be part of the backbone of many of our core fears and issues. For instance, money gets tied up with a fear of survival. We feel like we won’t be able to survive without money. As such, people can become incredibly fearful if they ever feel like they’ll lose their job. When this core fear tugs on someone, a person can react in very poor ways.

The genetic aspect is where we have differences from one person to another. For instance, one person may have more biochemical imbalance that tends towards a depressive personality. This is simply something one must account for and understand as part of what is influencing their lives. How to be without reaction is something we need to learn.

The emotional level is where a lot of our raw and most basic feelings are. They are not really separate from any other levels. You’ll notice as you do your self-introspection that these strings are tied up into a big bundle. But they can be addressed separately as you begin to understand how these things all interact within you. As such, a primal concern around survival such as the losing your job example can ignite a lot of fear, but living an enlightened life means that we learn to simply watch our inner reaction rather than to take action upon it. If we believe in the fear, it becomes 10 times worse.

The mental level is home to all of our stories about ourselves, about our families, and about how we think our lives should go. It is built out of the ideas and patterns that we learned as children from our families and society as a whole. It is the home of the ego, which we have usually learned to defend at all costs. All kinds of beliefs and ideas are collected here that are trying to serve different purposes. Until we explore them, we don’t really know why we are doing what we are doing.

The subtle energy field has many interesting energetic connections, and it’s usually the one that we deal with last as the other three are already a huge amount of self-work. It’s enough to say that we are energy, and we are all interconnected. Those of you who are naturally sensitive to energy will find that you can learn a lot about yourself by noticing how different places and people affect your mood. When they do, you know that a subtle energy string is pulling on you and creating a reaction.

Cultivating non-reaction

The first steps to cutting the strings and finding your core issues are being present and having the desire to know yourself. After that, it is important to practise being non-reactive. I am sure that life will offer you plenty of opportunities to be either upset or excited about something. Both ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ feelings should be watched. You can ask yourself simple questions such as “Why does this make me happy?” and “Why does this make me unhappy?” I am not saying to have no emotions at all and be a robot. I am encouraging you to be curious about how and why you behave the way you do. Until now, this was probably an invisible process, so this step is an important one.

As you go, you’ll probably notice a lot of unhealthy behaviour patterns. This is good news. Before you couldn’t see them, now you can. I often outline the most basic steps on healing these issues as follows:

• Identify
• Accept
• Embrace
• Let go

When you can identify something, you can then accept it. Embracing it means to understand the story or feel the feeling. Letting it go means just that. Once you’ve deeply understood something, releasing it is natural, so that new space within you can open up.

Deeper openings lead to deeper understandings

The more open we are, the more we can see about ourselves and others. This is a crucial thing in these times when so much information is coming at us so quickly. A lot of stuff has sped up, and this is why it’s important to slow down. Bringing our awareness more firmly into this moment allows us to see clearly and, as we continue to open, it tends to get easier to know what needs to be done in any given moment. It also tends to be easier to let go of things that do not serve us and to not get caught up in minor squabbles with others. In time, this just becomes how you live, and it’s not really a big deal.

Living an enlightened life, as I said in the beginning, is quite simple and quite sane. It isn’t anything extraordinary. If anything, it is about finally accepting the ordinary and everything else exactly as it is and continuing to learn about yourself so that you can enjoy this present moment—whatever it is—to the fullest.

The post Enlightened living: Sever the strings of darkness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“The beginning and the end reach out their hands to each other”
—Chinese proverb

Endings can be tough. When someone or something pulls the rug out from under you, you may find yourself drowning in a sea of emotions ranging from grief and anger to fear or blame.

Whether you’ve experienced a recent loss or are struggling with a painful ending you’ve never come to grips with, you can get unstuck and move forward by taking two important steps. First, learn to challenge the myths about endings that may have settled, unquestioned, into your mind and heart. Then pull out your toolkit [provided in part two of this article] and choose the right tools to help you move beyond the myths to the magic of letting go—of honouring the ending and releasing energy-draining regrets. Here are some of the most dangerous myths that can keep you trapped in the past plus some powerful tools that can free you from pain and help you move on more quickly.

Myth: If an ending comes into my life, something must be wrong.

Magic: Endings are a natural part of life’s cycles. I honour myself by accepting them and the transformations they bring.

We’ve all been told that change is good for us. At least that’s what sages, psychologists and management gurus say. Why, then, do we tend to dig in our heels and so fiercely resist the changes that inevitably come to our doorsteps? This is because, for one, we cling to the false belief that endings are not natural—that if an ending comes into our lives, something must have gone terribly wrong.

Yet that’s not what nature teaches us. Each day, each season, each full moon comes to an end to allow a new cycle of regeneration to begin again. Endings are not exceptions to the rule; they are the rule. Our inner and outer worlds are governed by that same cycle of change and transformation. Every one of us takes part in the universal dance of transformation as our outworn habits, relationships and ways of seeing give way to new ones.

Although it might not seem so at first, every ending has its purpose and its gift. To help you awaken to this truth, when you experience an ending of any sort, think of it as a graduation or a promotion. Graduations not only signal the end of an era in your life but also celebrate the beginning of a new one. That’s why they’re called ‘commencement’ exercises.

Endings, like graduations, often come because we are ready for a new lesson to begin or have exhausted the opportunities that our current situation has to offer. Endings show us that we need a change of scene to bring new people and new possibilities into our lives.

That is exactly what a friend of mine experienced when she broke up with her boyfriend of six years. For quite a while afterwards, she had gnawing doubts that saying goodbye had been the right thing to do, even though her ex had treated her badly and even cheated on her. It took her months to let go of regrets and see that this ending was good for her. She had, in fact, become root-bound in that relationship. Like a plant that atrophies in a pot that is too small to contain its growing root system, she had run out of room to grow in the relationship. Her partner’s immature behaviour was simply life’s way of moving her to more fertile ground. In reality, she had been promoted—and he had been fired.

Endings are not exceptions to the rule; they are the rule

Once she finally accepted her ‘promotion’, she could experience the gifts it brought with it. She had more energy, made wonderful new friends, and even mustered up the courage to find a new job where her talents were appreciated and she could grow.

My friend’s initial reaction is typical of what we all tend to do when faced with an ending, whether it’s a deteriorating relationship, a job change, or even the prospect of finding a new place to live. When an ending is in the wings getting ready to walk on stage, we may develop a desperate urge to hold on to what we are comfortable with. We frantically want to ‘fix’ the situation, when our inner self is asking us to transcend it altogether. But we only prolong our pain by refusing to accept that the ending is really choreographed by our own soul for our own good.

If you catch yourself reacting to an impending ending with resistance, bitterness or anger, take a moment to compassionately remind yourself that endings are not only natural but necessary. Take the time you need to grieve and process a serious loss, but then look forward with wonder and expectation, knowing that you needed to turn off the road you were travelling on to meet that something new that is awaiting you. Take a page from the I Ching, the ancient book of wisdom, which advises, “When the way comes to an end, then change—having changed, you pass through.”

Myth: If I let go of this relationship, job, or situation, I may never get a better opportunity.

Magic: When I say goodbye to a situation that isn’t right for me, I create the space for a new gift to enter my life.

Have you ever been afraid to make a change in your life, even when you are unhappy or frustrated, thinking, “If I give up what little I have, I may never find anything better”? Have you ignored what your feelings are trying to tell you, turning to logic instead to find the direction you’re looking for? While our feelings can certainly carry us off course at times, they are also a pathway to the truth—your inner truth—if you listen to them.

It’s essential to evaluate your feelings as you would any other piece of information you gather so that you can make an emotionally intelligent choice in every situation. Logic alone won’t get you there. In the words of the great Bengali poet Rabindranath Tagore, “A mind all logic is like a knife all blade; it makes the hand bleed that uses it.”

Lani discovered how life-changing it could be to follow through on what her feelings were telling her when she was unexpectedly faced with an issue that challenged both her career and her character. She thought she had finally found the perfect job. It was in the right location and on the right career track, and she was working directly with the owner of the company as his assistant. Then one day she discovered that her boss was dealing unethically with his clients. She knew this was wrong and hoped that something or someone would come along to correct the situation so she wouldn’t have to rock the boat. But nothing changed, and Lani knew that she could not let the situation go unchallenged. When she finally mustered the courage to speak to her boss, he brushed aside her concerns. So she told him that if he didn’t stop his behaviour, she would quit in one week. Seven days later, Lani found herself walking out the door with nothing but a small box of her belongings in her arms.

Your feelings are a pathway to the truth—your inner truth—if you listen to them

As she paused in the downstairs lobby of the office building to catch her breath, wondering what she would do now with no job, no severance package, and no leads, an older, well-dressed gentleman stopped next to her. He was having some trouble opening his new briefcase. Lani instinctively offered to help and figured out the problem right away.

“You’re clever,” the man said, thanking her.

“If I’m so clever,” she shot back without thinking, “then maybe you should hire me!”

As it turned out, the man was looking for a good office manager. Lani was a great fit for the job. “He was so respectful, and that new job paid much more than the old one,” she later told me. “I really didn’t have to be worried at all about taking a stand for what I believed in or about leaving that job.” In fact, the universe was just waiting for her to make room in her life to receive the gift of this new job. Sometimes walking away is the right way to be walking. It creates an opening for life to work its magic.

Myth: By forgiving others, I am condoning their behaviour and dishonouring myself.

Magic: By forgiving, I am honouring myself. I am affirming that I am greater than what others think of me or do to me.

Do you still feel sad or angry about an ending in your life—a relationship break-up, a harsh word from a friend, a job you didn’t get? Whether you realise it or not, holding on to the past with regret means that you’re operating with less than 100 per cent of your energy in the present. Regrets divide your attention and sap your energy. One way to reclaim your energy is to plug the holes by forgiving and saying goodbye to those energy-draining regrets. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential if you want to live fully and share the best of yourself with others.

The real reason we don’t forgive more easily is that we harbour misconceptions about what forgiveness is and what happens when we forgive. The picture many of us have in our heads is that forgiveness is for weaklings. We think forgiving is giving in to a bully who has no business pushing us around. We may also believe that by forgiving, we are condoning the perpetrator’s harmful behaviour and giving that person the green light to keep acting that way. Those are no more than myths.

Forgiveness does not require that you approve of another’s outrageous behaviour or foolishly subject yourself to it again. You can forgive and still take steps to protect yourself. You can forgive and still be clear about what you will not accept in your life from now on. Likewise, forgiveness does not wipe out the fact that an action someone took was despicable. The act of forgiveness does not excuse any of us from being accountable for the harm we have done.

Regrets divide your attention and sap your energy

By forgiving, you are simply honouring yourself. You are affirming that you are greater than what others think of you or do to you. You are showing yourself and others that no one has the power to define who you are just because they treated you a certain way. Author Rabbi Harold Kushner once explained this to a resentful woman in his community who was struggling to support three children after her husband walked out on them. When she asked him how she could possibly forgive this man, he told her, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did was acceptable. It wasn’t… I’m asking you to forgive because he doesn’t deserve the power to live in your head and turn you into a bitter, angry woman.”

It’s not what others do to us that defines who we are. Our attitude, our actions, the quality of our heart—how we treat ourselves and well as others—is what defines who we are and how our life unfolds.

Myth: By refusing to forgive, I am in control.

Magic: What I do not forgive controls me. By forgiving, I free myself.

Many of us have come to believe that by refusing to forgive others, we are cutting them out of our lives, thereby ending our connection with them. But continuing to hold a grudge—emphasis on the word hold—is no ending at all. By harbouring bitterness, resentment, or even the desire for revenge, we remain mentally and emotionally invested in what happened. That only keeps us in relationship with—connected with—the very people we want to cut out of our lives.

Attention is energy. Whenever you place your attention on another person or thing, you are creating a flow of energy between the two of you. It doesn’t matter if your thoughts are loving or filled with irritation and anger. In either case, you are creating an energy bond that is fed by your attention. And, for better or for worse, where you attention goes, your energy goes.

When you understand this energy equation, it’s easy to see that you automatically tie yourself to anyone you continue to hate, resent, or be angry with. You may think that rancour is the right response when you want to distance yourself from others, but at energetic levels your bitterness binds you to them. It strengthens the connection.

Continuing to hold a grudge is no ending at all

Although we may fool ourselves into thinking that withholding forgiveness gives us a measure of control, in reality whatever we allow to siphon off our valuable energy and attention controls us. When we do not forgive, it is we who suffer. Perhaps you’ve heard this saying that puts it even more strongly: not forgiving someone is like drinking poison—and expecting the other person to die.

A graphic portrayal of what happens when we hold on to our anger comes from the movie Return of the Jedi in the Star Wars series. During the climactic scene, the evil emperor and Darth Vader are face to face with Luke Skywalker. The emperor has been patiently waiting for the opportunity to turn Luke to the Dark Side, just as he had done to Darth Vader many years before. As the emperor and Luke confront each other, the old man goads Luke as he spits out these words: “The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it… Strike me down with it.”

Then the emperor sums up exactly what anger and non-forgiveness do to us as he says to Luke, “Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant.” The emperor knew that the more we hate, the more we surrender ourselves to the object of our hatred. Fortunately, Luke controls himself before it is too late. By putting his attention back on his real self and on love, he not only saves himself but is also able to bring Darth Vader back to the Light Side.

Lest you think that all this sounds a bit too intangible and that the benefits of forgiveness are metaphysical mumbo jumbo, know that a burgeoning field of research is proving otherwise. Studies have shown that holding on to blame, hostility, and anger can harm us in very tangible ways. One study, for instance, showed that unforgiving thoughts prompted significantly higher heart rates and blood pressure changes, whereas forgiving thoughts were accompanied by lower physiological stress responses. In research with people who suffered from chronic low back pain, those who were able to forgive had lower levels of pain and less anger and depression than those who had not forgiven. In another study, women who had forgiven the fathers of their children for transgressions had less symptoms of anxiety and depression as well as a greater sense of self-acceptance and purpose in life than unforgiving women.

The opportunity to forgive, then, is just that—a stunning opportunity for you. Will you allow another’s immature behaviour to define you now and forever? Will you let the incident forever define the person who hurt you? What someone else says or does can only continue to weigh you down if you carry around the memories of those actions like a perpetual sack of good-for-nothing stones strapped to your back. How freeing to just put down the load and move on. How much faster and farther you can travel. Without the burden, you can even fly.

4 tips for honouring endings, releasing regrets, and moving on

Rather than facing endings with bitterness, regret, or hatred, try these four energy-boosting tips that can help you honour the ending and move on.

Tip #1 – Reframe endings as graduations

While it’s natural at first to react to painful endings with bitterness, try to resist the temptation to automatically label an ending as ‘bad’ and pull the covers over your head [or drown your sorrows in a bag of chocolates or a shopping binge you can’t afford]. Instead, take this turn of events as an unerring message that it’s time to move to higher ground.

Try this

Practise seeing any ending or seemingly negative situation as full of promise, even though you don’t yet see what it will bring you. Perhaps the ending came because you ‘graduated’ from this circumstance or you need to learn a new soul lesson in another venue. Perhaps you can only find and hone your unique talents by being with a new circle of friends. What if the situation you were suddenly booted out of held a hidden danger for you? Every ending holds its own gift. Opening your mind and heart to receive it will keep you moving forward, not looking backward.

Tip #2 – Bring closure by being proactive

If you’ve done something in the past that still plagues you, consider taking action to set things right. Rather than allowing recurring thoughts about the incident to continually weigh you down with regrets or sorrow, lighten your load by changing how the story ends.

Try this

Find those you may have hurt and apologise to them, even if the incident took place years ago. Replace the object you destroyed or the money you deprived the other person of. If you can’t work with the person involved for some reason, assign yourself a task that will at least begin to balance the scales for what happened. For example, do volunteer work, donate to a charity, help an elderly neighbour with chores or mentor a child. Allow yourself to bring closure by being proactive.

Tip #3 – Create your own ritual of release

Doing something to physically mark an ending can help you release regrets once and for all. Create a ritual that has meaning for you, but always make it physical to give it finality. And don’t forget to perform your ritual with the intent to free yourself and move on.

Try this

Hold a shell or stone; mentally pour your feelings about a past incident into it, and then fling that object into a stream or off the side of the mountain as you see and feel the situation disappear from your life. Or you can write down your feelings on paper along with a simple statement of surrender. You can ask God [or use whatever name you prefer to address the creative Spirit of the universe] for help in letting go and finding peace. Then safely burn the letter, watching it and the issue dissipate in smoke. Let those ashes remind you of the phoenix who, at the end of its life, ignites its nest and is consumed by the fire. From the ashes of its own ending, a new phoenix emerges. Know that you, too, have the phoenix inside of you.

Tip #4 – Write a new story

One incident in your life, no matter how painful, is still just one incident. It doesn’t define your entire life—unless you let it. You have the power to create the rest of the story. When you choose to stop talking about and dwelling on the past, and focus instead on healthy new choices for yourself, you are saying, “I am greater than what others say about me or do to me.”

Try this

Each time you catch yourself complaining about or dwelling on a negative experience from the past, stop. Remember—what you concentrate on is what you energise. Instead of looking back, ask yourself: What new and positive outcomes do I want to show up in my life? Start focussing on and talking out loud about your new plans with excitement. Ask your friends to support you by doing the same rather than continually dredging up the past or treating you like a victim. You are the author of the next chapter of your life. Start your rewrite right now. Grab a piece of paper and write down in detail the answer to these questions: What do I want the next chapter of my life to look like and feel like? What new characters will be a part of the next scenes of my life story? What one step can I take today to turn my storyline in this new direction?

The post Walk out on your past! Learn to let go, move on and release regrets appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.