When hardship abounds, so does despair. Fortunately, humankind is also capable of experiencing another emotion when faced with adversity that can be cathartic for all concerned—compassion.

Compassion is natural in humans

Compassion, according to Emma Seppala, Science Director of the Centre for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, entails an “emotional response when perceiving suffering” and “an authentic desire to help”.  Though we may be disheartened by global news coverage of our fractious and fragmented world, researchers posit that compassion is innate in animals and humans.

While our species can be callous, contemptuous and cruel, we also harbour a “natural tendency” towards compassion that has contributed to our survival, argues Seppala in a Psychology Today article.

In an experiment, conducted by Elizabeth Dunn and colleagues, participants were given a fixed amount of money. Half were instructed to spend it on themselves, while the other half were asked to spend it on others. Researchers then measured the happiness levels of all the participants. Contrary to what we might expect, the researchers found that people who spent money on others were more content than those who indulged themselves. Seppala argues that compassion benefits us at multiple levels.

Multiple benefits of compassion

Physiologically, people whose happiness stems from having a sense of purpose in life have low levels of cellular inflammation. In contrast, people who derive happiness from hedonistic pursuits exhibit high inflammation levels. Thus, purpose rather than pleasure seems to be conducive to our physical health. Further, lives imbued with purpose or meaning are more often other-directed as opposed to self-directed. Rather than viewing the world through a self-obsessed lens, a feature linked to many psychological problems like depression and anxiety, focussing our attention on others and their problems can widen our perspective.

Additionally, compassion also enhances our longevity, possibly by mitigating our stress levels. Seppala cites a study by Michal Poulin that found that stress is linked to mortality for most people. However, for “those who helped others,” the stress levels did not “predict mortality.”  Apparently, being of service to others nourishes the self.

How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity

In these bleak and uncertain times, are there things you can do to cultivate compassion? Indeed, there are! Let’s discuss a few ways you can cultivate compassion:

Meaningful contributions

In a blog post on PositivePsychology.com, psychologist Heather Lonczak suggests that we engage in acts of altruism. Though most of us may be home-bound, consider ways you can harness your skills and talents to make meaningful contributions, however small.

If you are adept at sewing, you can make masks that can be distributed to needy people.  Or, perhaps you can conduct pro-bono online cooking classes for kids to keep them engaged and occupied while their harried parents catch up on chores or work.

You may reach out to elderly family members to check if you can shop for them. Or consider making a donation to help migrant labourers who have lost their jobs.  In fact, there are opportunities aplenty at this time for you to tap into your altruistic spirit.

Avoiding judgement

Lonczak also exhorts us to avoid judging people through a negative lens. Often, we don’t fully understand the context behind a person’s compunctions. Though we may disapprove of another person’s actions in a particular situation, know that we can’t entirely predict our own reactions to the very same predicament. Instead of harping on the differences between you and the rest, trying to find similarities or areas of common ground can promote compassion.

Being grateful

Being grateful for all that is going well in your life can also make you more compassionate towards those who aren’t as fortunate. Engaging in meditation, specifically the Buddhist practice emphasizing loving-kindness, can increase the ambit of your compassion. And, most importantly, don’t forget to exercise self-compassion.

The key is to practising self-love

Often, we are harshest towards ourselves, especially when it comes to personal failings and inadequacies. But if you wish to cultivate compassion, you need to begin with yourself: stop berating and criticizing yourself. Psychologist Kristen Neff, who has studied self-compassion in depth, identifies three components on the website self-compassion.org:

1. Avoid beating yourself up

First, when we fall short, we may deny our imperfections or judge ourselves harshly. Neff exhorts us to recognise our flaws without disparaging ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat a friend.

2. Accept pain as an inevitability

Second, when you suffer, know that pain is part and parcel of the human experience.  Acknowledging your common humanity with others will make you feel less alone during trying periods. Even if those around you seem better off, remind yourself that almost everyone is hit by the vicissitudes of life and your pain too shall pass.

3. Practise mindfulness

Finally, cultivate mindfulness so that you can view your thoughts and feelings from an observer’s point of view without getting unduly mired in them.

Let’s cultivate compassion and make our world richer

If we thus hone our ability to exercise compassion, the world will definitely be richer for it.  While we hope that Covid-19 is curtailed sooner than later, the pandemic has given us a chance to plumb the reservoirs of human compassion.

The post How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Because it is so painful to experience the judgements of others, you would think that we would not be judgmental ourselves. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. In fact, the more we are judged, especially as children and adolescents, the more we tend to judge others too.

Criticism—a family value

I was raised in a family of people who habitually judged and criticised others. They considered themselves experts on any given subject and were the first to state their opinion, to give advice, and to tell everyone and anyone what they should do to change.

In fact, I was so judged and criticised when growing up that I learned to become an expert at it myself. I learned to judge others before they had a chance to judge me. This is a common defensive strategy that far too many of us take on.

I became the expert, the authority, the person who looked down pompously at other people. I was wiser, more capable, more ‘right’ than anyone I knew. Few people argued with me and those who did had a major fight on their hands.

I believe we were all put on this earth to learn certain lessons and we are constantly being presented with opportunities to learn our lessons. When we don’t learn our lesson in one situation we can be assured that we will be presented another opportunity to learn it—and then another and another—until we finally learn it.

One of the most important lessons we are all learning is to be less judgmental of others. It certainly has been one of my strongest lessons. I have been blessed by being forced to learn this important lesson, a lesson that has changed my life. But I haven’t learned it easily. In fact, it has been a difficult and painful lesson, one that has often felt like it was thrust upon me without my consent.

Throughout the years this lesson has gradually been getting stronger and stronger, although looking back on my life I realise it has always been a driving force. Eventually I realised the following: Each and every time I judge another person negatively, I soon find myself in their shoes, experiencing the same things they experience, and now fully able to understand their perspective.

Other reasons for being judgmental

In addition to being judged yourself, you may have other reasons why you judge others. The following exercise will help you discover these reasons:

Exercise: discover why you tend to judge others

1] Ask yourself, “What do I get out of being judgmental or critical?” Write your answers down on a piece of paper.

If you find you are stuck for answers, the following possibilities may give you some ideas. You can use them as a checklist. I judge other people because:

• It makes me feel in control
• It keeps me separate from others
• It is a way of protecting myself from pain
• It is a way of protecting myself from intimacy
• It is a way of feeling superior
• It helps me hide my feelings of insecurity
• It makes me feel powerful.

2] Notice under what conditions you tend to be the most judgmental. The next time you catch yourself feeling judgmental, ask yourself the following questions:

• What emotions am I feeling?
• How secure am I feeling? Am I feeling threatened? Criticised? Rejected?
• Are there times or circumstances when I tend to be more critical or judgmental than at other times?
• What patterns do I notice [for example, do I tend to be more judgmental or critical when I am feeling tired, hurt, threatened, angry?].

3] Pay attention to how you behave with different people and ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I tend to be judgmental/critical of some people more than others?
• Do I tend to be more judgmental when I am around certain people? For example, when I am with my old friends from school? Or when I am around judgmental people?

Choose empathy over judgement

We tend to be critical and judgmental of others because we lack empathy for their position. When we judge another person, we are, in essence, putting ourselves in a position above them. When we have empathy however, we put ourselves in their place. Judging is a position of superiority, empathy is a position of equality.

Now that you have a better understanding of the reasons why you judge, the next step to overcoming your tendency to judge others is to make a conscious decision to choose empathy over judgment. Once this decision has been made you are on your way.

Choosing empathy over judgment helps you become fuller, deeper and more compassionate. Here are some of the personal benefits of empathy:

1. Judging makes us pompous, self-righteous, hard-hearted. Empathy softens us, makes us more open-hearted and wise. Judging causes us to contract, to become small and narrow-minded. Empathy causes us to expand into becoming more broadminded and open-minded.
2. Judging blinds us to others. Empathy helps us to see others far more clearly—both their positive and negative qualities. It’s like a magic telescope that helps us to see inside the other, to view their heart and soul.
3. Judging separates us from others, while empathy connects us, helps us to see our similarities, joining us in our humanity.
4. Last but certainly not least, it is important to realise that our relationship with others mirrors our relationship with ourselves. The way we treat others is the way we treat ourselves, and vice versa. If we judge others, we judge ourselves, and if we judge ourselves, we judge others.

Judging others is a trap. It is an easy and convenient way to avoid ourselves and our own lessons. It depletes us of our energy—energy that could be better spent focussing on improving ourselves.

We lose ourselves when we are busy judging someone else. Our energy is drawn outward instead of inward, where it belongs. We stop learning about ourselves and focussing on our own lessons when we get caught up in trying to teach someone else the lessons.

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