How are sibling rivalries formed?

Children, especially siblings, learn very early how to separate and identify talents, interests, and passions unique to themselves. Let’s face it; siblings are in a constant battle for time, attention, affection, praise, and acknowledgment. Rather than compete head to head, they naturally gravitate towards interests that lead them away from their sibling competitors.

It usually looks something like this: Oldest child is extremely driven, smart, and academic. Second child realises that he or she will never live up to first born’s achievements, and therefore pursues music, art or sports. If there is a third child, he or she sees that academics and extracurricular activities are spoken for and therefore assumes the role of social butterfly or jokester and so on.

It is common for children to begin to resent the very qualities that make their siblings unique, because they are perceived as threats to their own success. In other words, roles within the family are assumed and labels become an expectation.

It is common for children to begin to resent the very qualities that make their siblings unique

An impression is formed, even in early childhood, that in order to be valued and appreciated, the child must find something that she or he is good at that no one else can challenge. And while there is nothing wrong with children having their own interests and pursuing their own talents, it is important to help siblings appreciate and embrace what makes each of them special.

How can we overcome sibling rivalry?

Here are some practical ways to cultivate peaceful co-existence in children:

Collaboration on tasks

There is nothing more effective in helping children to see their siblings’ strengths than having them work together on a project. The task should be something that requires thinking, planning and execution. It can be explained that each child brings a unique perspective and skill set to the problem, and everyone must contribute. The tasks will need to be adjusted based on age-appropriateness, but an adult can point out strengths of each child throughout the task. “I noticed that Mihir thought to use the stick to prop that open, and then Samata’s hands were small enough to fit inside.”

Offering each child their own day of the week

Every child loves feeling recognised and special for any reason. Implement a ‘Child of the Day’ policy, where decisions and choices are made by that child. Not only does this give each child a chance to express their preferences and interests in a family setting, but siblings are not likely to resent participating when they have the same opportunity on another day of the week.

Options for the child to decide upon might be what activity the family does before dinner, what type of vegetable is eaten for dinner, or what TV show is watched before bed.

Implement a ‘Child of the Day’ policy, where decisions and choices are made by that child

Validating statements

Another simple way to encourage siblings to see special traits in each other is to have them share qualities about each other simultaneously. In other words, to recognise a strength about themselves, as well as a strength about their sibling. This creates a realisation that being different is welcomed, and each person brings a special element to the family. “I am good at football. Tina is good at roller skating.” Then Tina says, “I am good at math. Rashmi is good at dancing.”

Family experiences

Children need to be exposed to and taught principles of sharing, giving and helping. There is no better way to help children see the effects of cooperation and collaboration first-hand than to experience it as a family. This may mean volunteering your time together at an animal shelter, helping an elderly neighbour complete a task, or sharing your time and talents with others. Take time after the experience to talk about why those are values that you believe in as a family.

Clear discussion

One of the things that we often forget as adults is that children need to hear what we expect from them. Setting expectations and being clear on which behaviours are desired and which are prohibited is crucial, even though it seems obvious! A family meeting to talk about the importance of supporting and embracing the unique qualities that each member of the family possesses allows for a climate of cooperation to grow.

With a little creativity and some purposeful activities to encourage children to embrace each other and their special qualities, the days of sibling rivalry, competition, jealousy and resentment can be left behind. Cooperation and co-existence are attainable, especially when there are direct expectations and opportunities to practise those values. After all, we all desire to be valued and appreciated for the things that make us unique, and the members of our family are among those who can celebrate us the most.

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post 5 tips to defuse the rivalry between your children appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

So always look at what happens when you do something: if you become peaceful or restful, it is right. This is the criterion; nothing else is the criterion. What is right for you may not be right for somebody else; remember that too. Because what is easy for you may not be easy for somebody else; something else may be easy for him. So there can be no universal law about it. Every individual has to work it out for himself.

Two Reasons Why We Choose Unhappiness

This is one of the most complex human problems. It has to be considered very deeply, and it is not theoretical—it concerns you. This is how everybody is behaving—always choosing the wrong way, always choosing to be sad, depressed, miserable. There must be profound reasons for it, and there are.

1. Being miserable feeds the ego

First, the way human beings are brought up plays a very definite role. If you are unhappy, you gain something from it. If you are happy, you always lose. From the very beginning, an alert child senses this distinction.

Whenever he is unhappy, everybody is sympathetic toward him. Everybody tries to be loving toward him. And even more than that, whenever he is unhappy, everybody is attentive toward him, he gains attention. Attention works like food for the ego, a very alcoholic stimulant. It gives you energy; you feel you are somebody. Hence so much need, so much desire to get attention.

If everybody is looking at you, you become important. If nobody is looking at you, you feel as if you are not there, you are a non-being.

The ego exists in relationship. The more people pay attention to you, the more you gain ego. If nobody looks at you, the ego dissolves. If everybody has completely forgotten you, how can the ego exist? Hence the need for societies, associations, clubs. All over the world clubs exist—Rotary, Lions, Masonic Lodges—millions of clubs and societies. These societies and clubs exist only to give attention to people who cannot get attention in other ways.

From the very beginning a child learns the politics: look miserable, then you get sympathy, then everybody is attentive. Look ill—you become important. An ill child becomes dictatorial; the whole family has to follow him—whatever he says is the rule. When he is happy, nobody listens to him. When he is healthy, nobody cares about him. From the very beginning we start choosing the miserable, the sad, the pessimistic, the darker side of life. That’s one reality.

2. Happiness attracts jealousy

A second thing related to it is: whenever you are happy, whenever you are joyful, whenever you feel ecstatic and blissful, everybody is jealous of you. Jealousy means that everybody is antagonistic, nobody is friendly; at that moment, everybody is an enemy.

So you have learned not to be so ecstatic that everybody becomes inimical toward you—not to show your bliss, not to laugh.

Look at people when they laugh. They laugh very calculatingly. It is not a belly-laugh, it is not coming from the very depth of their being. They first look at you, then they judge… and then they laugh. And they laugh to a particular extent, the extent you will tolerate, the extent where nobody will become jealous.

Even our smiles are political. Laughter has disappeared, bliss has become absolutely unknown, and to be ecstatic is almost impossible because it is not allowed. If you are miserable, nobody will think you are mad. If you are ecstatic and dancing, everybody will think you are mad. Dance is rejected, singing is not accepted. A blissful man—we think something has gone wrong if we see one.

Misery Is Accepted as Normal; Bliss Is Viewed as Nonsense

What type of society is this? If someone is miserable, everything is okay; he fits because the whole society is miserable, more or less. He is a member, he belongs to us: If somebody becomes ecstatic, we think he has gone berserk, insane. He doesn’t belong to us—and we feel jealous.

Because of jealousy, we condemn him and we try in every way to put him back to his old state. We call that old state normality. Psychoanalysts will help, psychiatrists will help to bring that man to the normal misery.

Society cannot allow ecstasy. Ecstasy is the greatest revolution. If people become ecstatic, the whole society will have to change, because this society is based on misery.

Signs That You Are Choosing Misery

If people are blissful, you cannot lead them to war—to Vietnam, or to Egypt, or to Israel. No. Someone who is blissful will just laugh and say: This is nonsense!

If people are blissful, you cannot make them obsessed with money. They will not waste their whole lives just accumulating money. It will look like madness to them that a person is destroying his whole life, just exchanging his life for dead money. And the money will be there when he is dead. This is absolute madness! But this madness can not be seen unless you are ecstatic.

If people are ecstatic, then the whole pattern of this society will have to change. This society exists on misery. Misery is a great investment for this society. So we bring up children…  from the very beginning, we create a leaning toward misery. That’s why they always choose misery.

In the morning, everybody has a choice. And not only in the morning, every moment there is a choice to be miserable or to be happy. You always choose to be miserable because there is an investment. Because that has become a habit, a pattern; you have always done that. You have become efficient at doing it; it has become a track. The moment your mind has to choose, it immediately flows toward misery.

Misery seems to be downhill; ecstasy seems to be uphill. Ecstasy looks very difficult to reach—but it is not so. The real thing is quite the opposite: Nobody wants to be miserable and everybody IS miserable.

Education, culture, parents, teachers-they have done a great job. They have made miserable creatures out of ecstatic creators. Every child is born ecstatic. Every child is born a god. And every man dies a madman.

This is your whole work-how to regain childhood, how to reclaim it. If you can become a child again, then there is no misery. I don’t mean that for a child there are no moments of misery-there are. But still there is no misery. Try to understand this.

A child can become miserable, intensely unhappy in a moment, but he is so total in that unhappiness, he is so one with that unhappiness, that there is no division. The child separate from unhappiness does not exist. The child is unhappiness—he is so involved in it. And when you become one with unhappiness If you become so one with it, even that has a beauty of its own.

So look at a child—an unspoilt child, I mean. If he is angry, then his whole energy becomes anger; nothing is reserved. He has moved and become anger; there is nobody manipulating and controlling the anger. There is no mind. And then see the beauty, the flowering of anger.

The child never looks ugly—even in anger he looks beautiful. He just looks more intense, more vital, more alive-a volcano ready to erupt. Such a small child, such a great energy, such an atomic being-with the whole universe to explode.

And after this anger the child will be silent. After this anger the child will be very peaceful. After this anger the child will relax. We may think it is very miserable to be in that anger, but the child is not miserable—he has enjoyed it.

If you become one with anything you become blissful. If you separate yourself from anything, even if it is happiness, you will become miserable.

So this is the key. To be separate as an ego is the base of all misery; to be one, to be flowing, with whatever life brings to you, to be in it so intensely, so totally, that you are no more, you are lost, then everything is blissful.

Misery or Happiness—The Choice Is Yours

The choice is there, but you have even become unaware of the choice. You simply choose it automatically. There is no choice left.

Become alert. Each moment when you are choosing to be miserable remember: this is your choice. Even this mindfulness will help, the alertness that this is my choice and I am responsible, and this is what I am doing to myself. Immediately you will feel a difference. The quality of mind will have changed. It will be easier for you to move towards happiness.

And once you know that this is your choice, then the whole thing has become a game. Then if you love to be miserable, be miserable, but remember that this is your choice and don’t complain. There is nobody else responsible. This is your drama. If you like it this way, if you like the miserable way, if you want to pass through life in misery, then this is your choice. You are playing it. Play it well!

Don’t go and ask people how not to be miserable. That is absurd. Don’t go and ask masters and gurus how to be happy. The so-called gurus exist because you are foolish. You create the misery, and then you go and ask others how to uncreate it. And you will go on creating misery because you are not alert to what you are doing. From this very moment try, try to be happy and blissful.

Excerpted from Body Mind Balancing, Courtesy: OSHO International Foundation

The post Osho Explains Why We Choose Misery Instead of Bliss appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

You discover your partner has had an affair. Do you:

1. Scream at him, and tell him he is a terrible person?
2. Tell your friends, to relieve yourself of the pressure of the hurt?
3. Regularly check his phone, emails or browser history?
4. Put your rage into your collection of resentments?

You’re single, and your best friend has just met the man of her dreams. Do you:

1. Listen to her enthuse, while sobbing inside?
2. Warn her that love can be blind?
3. Talk about the freedom of being single?
4. Say something critical of her or him?

If you said, “None of the above,” I’m not sure I believe you. Jealousy and envy are painful emotions, and when we act them out, we’re trying to get some relief. Of course, none of these behaviours actually provide that relief.

We use the two words pretty much interchangeably. They are in reality two distinct emotions, each with their own spectrum of usefulness to destruction. Simply put, jealousy refers to feelings of impending loss of something you have [your partner’s love, perhaps], and envy refers to the desire for something someone else has. They are both aspects, and sometimes dysfunctions, of desire.

Jealousy

We’re taught that jealousy is bad and the idea that it might have a positive function is often overlooked.

Also read » Jealousy is the shadow of sex

St. Augustine says, “He that is not jealous is not in love.” When in love, you have a proprietary interest in your partner. And when you’re fairly certain in your relationship, you can confidently say to a rival: “You can’t have her; she’s mine! Mine, mine, mine!” I remember the pleasure and warmth I felt towards a man standing up to his rival in just that way. His desire for his partner was vibrantly alive in that moment.

When you and your spouse have been married for a period of time, and your original desire has waned [as Esther Perel likes to say, “You can’t desire what you have.”], sometimes a drop of jealousy can remind you that you’re not completely safe. There can be a threat—and in that moment, desire is once again alight. Jealousy can remind us of the value of what we have.

But… at the other end of the spectrum, jealousy is dangerous, and can kill a relationship. When jealousy turns into a real fear of losing the attachment, it’s like being too hungry for too long. Desire turns to malignant jealousy, and one can become seriously destructive. The literary example of this is the story of Othello and Desdemona: He believed she had betrayed him, and he was overcome with jealous rage. Murderous rage. Powerful stuff for grand opera, but not the way you or I want to live.

It’s important to know that the first pang of jealousy is a warning signal: look to your marriage! Something may not be right between you and your lover. Slacking off not recommended.

Then it’s tempting to look outside for the danger. Outside ourselves, or outside our relationship. The other woman or man might be the problem. Or our partner is actually untrustworthy, faithless and has wrecked our life. When our relationship is threatened, our self-worth is threatened right along with it. “She is bad, cheating on me, but I must be worthless, or she wouldn’t do it.”

Sadly, the more suspicious you become of your partner, the worse you feel about yourself. Very, very sticky.

When a person, or a relationship, is stuck, and all the energy is burnt up within the dynamic, help has to come from an unexpected direction.

Also read » For enriching relaltionships

Imagine if you took that initial signal and used it to remember how wonderful your beloved really is? Let yourself evoke how wonderful your desire for her feels? What if, instead of attacking, you told him how much he means to you? Undoubtedly, that would feel better to him; think about how it would feel to you.

Calm yourself and let yourself remember the ways you enjoy one another. You do have a choice where you put your focus: If you focus on ‘wrong,’ you will get misery, and if you focus on ‘right,’ you’re most likely to be reassured.

Alongside this, reassure yourself of your own worth. Evoke memories of feeling valuable.

Your feelings of jealousy are the ‘right’ feelings. They’re put there to remind you to come back to consciousness of the value of your relationship and the two people in it.

Envy

Envy is also based in desire. It’s not one of the seven deadly sins and it can be a wonderfully motivating force. Simply wanting what someone else has, is the basis for the success of many people and businesses. Van de Ven, Zeelenberg and Pieters of Tilurg University, the Netherlands, did some fascinating studies on ‘benign envy,’ contrasting it with admiration.

Benign envy, also termed as hero envy, is the desire for what someone else has. Many successful people talk about being influenced by successful individuals. Like benign jealousy, it sparks attention. If you see something your neighbour has, it’s fine to want to get some for yourself.

Of course, there’s a ‘but’ here. Impatience and/or grandiosity can create too much frustration. If you take Albert Einstein or Mother Teresa as your hero, it’s likely you won’t be able to live up to their obvious accomplishments. If you must have that thing, or that trait tomorrow, you’re likely to be disappointed. Disappointment can lead to a feeling of despair, and all that is left is to give up. You may fall into the passive position of ‘Hero Worship’ and/or admonish yourself to be ‘too realistic.’ Neither one is particularly productive.

When envy becomes malignant, it says,“If I can’t have it, no one should be able to have or enjoy it.” This leads to destruction, perhaps of the desired thing, perhaps of the person who has it, or both.

We’ve just gone through a process, as a society, that simply reeks of malignant envy. I’m talking about so-called negative campaigning, which not only hurts the opponent but also devalues the goal. We end up with the sense that there are few, if any, responsive, high-minded leaders. And even our sense of their positions is tainted. Being the President doesn’t feel like such a dream.

As an aside, I became sold on a local candidate, who spent none of her budget maligning her opponent, but simply ran on her own record. She used her desire for the office to fuel her contact with her constituency, and pave the way for future success. [She won the election.] As with jealousy, the focus on the value of both, the desired object and the self, relieves the malignant pressure.

Now what?

Also read »
The power of thoughts

Jealousy and envy are part of human nature. It’s pointless to try not to feel them; you may as well try not to think of an elephant. At base, they’re signals to action. The primary choice is what kind of action. Malignant jealousy and envy are behaviours, things that people do when they can’t contain the feelings. As feelings, even malignant jealousy and envy are simply desire that is too threatened, or has gone on too long without release. Desire contaminated with fear or rage. The pain of malignant jealousy or envy is the pain of fear and rage.

All this sounds very good, but there’s another important piece. Much of what I describe goes on ‘under the radar.’ After all, fear and rage live in our ‘lizard brain’ [the most primitive part of the brain, where the fight/flight reaction originates]. Most people who describe their experience of malignant envy or jealousy feel taken over by them.
It can happen to anyone; we all have that lizard brain. The difference between a person who is overcome by those feelings and a person who can contain and use her feelings to advantage is a combination of training and awareness. A meditation practice trains the primitive brain to become more centred and contained. Psychotherapy, especially with a practitioner who doesn’t seek quick fixes, can be invaluable. A therapist who does not fear her own jealousy and envy can serve as a support for the client’s growing self-containment.

The post Jealousy and envy: Are they really as bad as made out to be? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.