In his sensitive book Together, Vivek Murthy, who has been nominated to be the Surgeon General in the United States by President Biden, underscores the importance of kindness in fostering human connection. He describes a programme that was conducted across schools in Anaheim, California. Christened A Million Acts of Kindness, this programme, championed by the Mayor Tom Tait, involved schools actively promoting acts of kindness amongst students. As a result of children extending kindness to one another, both bullying and school suspensions plummeted.

Want to make a meaningful difference? Try kindness

Murthy outlines another programme that was spearheaded by a high school teacher following a horrific school shooting in Charlotte, North Carolina. Knowing that it was just impossible to go on with business as usual after the devastating event, Justin Parameter instituted the Undercover Agents of Kindness programme at his school. Parameter first put the names of all his students in a bowl and had pupils randomly draw a chit. The assignment that he gave students was to carry out a kind act towards the person whose name they had drawn and then write a report describing the experience.

So, students who hadn’t necessarily known one another well, went about making their lives easier. One student bought ice cream and stayed in the classroom with an injured student instead of going out to play. Another student gave his peer a stress ball because he noticed that his friend used to vent his frustrations in inappropriate ways. As a result of this programme, which gradually grew very popular, students started noticing and taking interest in each other’s lives and strove to make a meaningful difference. Murthy reports that this programme has mushroomed in other cities across the United States and the world.

Being kind is hazardous to loneliness

In a school in South Florida, another compassionate programme was initiated by a student, Denis Estimon and his peers. When he joined a new school, he noticed that not only he, but a subset of other children as well, seemed lonely and ate lunch by themselves. Teaming up with three classmates, Denis and his band would go around the school during lunch time and invite children who were sitting alone to join the We Dine Together group.

As kindness is infectious, this programme too spread its wings to fifteen other schools within a year and has taken root in other countries as well. Denis, who has subsequently graduated from high school, was so enthused by the success of his programme that he now runs a movement to champion inclusion in schools all over the world. He shared a poignant anecdote with Murthy that advertises the power of kindness. A mother of a boy with Asperger’s syndrome thanked Denis, her eyes brimming with tears, because her son had friends for the first time in his life, thanks to Denis’ brainchild.

To be happier, try a little more kindness

In her insightful book The How of Happiness psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky describes how acts of kindness can enhance the happiness and wellbeing, not only of the receiver, but of the giver as well. In one experiment, participants were asked to consciously perform everyday acts of kindness like holding the door open for somebody, sending flowers to a friend, visiting a sick relative etc. for a period of six weeks. The first group was asked to do five acts of kindness spread randomly across the week. The second group was asked to perform five acts in a single day per week. At the end of every week, the researchers obtained data from the participants that described their well-intentioned acts.

To the researchers’ surprise, only the second group that performed five kind acts on a single day per week exhibited a considerable increase in their happiness levels. Lyubomirsky speculates that this might be due to the fact that most of us routinely perform small acts of kindness every now and then. However, to experience a significant fillip to our happiness, the acts need to stand out. In other words, we need to do more than what we typically do.

Make acts of kindness salient and poignant, not tedious or routine

In another study, Lyubomirsky and her colleagues measure the happiness levels of participants one month after the intervention was conducted. Participants who performed a variety of kind acts showed greater gains in happiness than those who performed the same good deeds repeatedly. For kindness, as a practice, to make a dent in your wellbeing, the acts need to salient, meaningful and poignant rather than routine or tedious. Further, Lyubomirsky reminds us that the kind acts need to be done voluntarily for you to feel better about yourself.

As being kind positively impacts both the giver and receiver, we may consciously strive to include more kindness into our days. While vaccines may help us fight the pandemic, injecting kindness into our lives may help us heal more holistically.

The post Looking for happiness? Try a little more kindness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I have counseled a number of people who have come to me with feelings of guilt because their close friend has died by suicide. They feel as if they have failed their departed friend by not doing enough to save them. They mull over whether they could have done something.

If you have a severely depressed or suicidal friend, you may find yourself in a very precarious position where you want to urgently do something but see yourself as helpless in the face of severe clinical depression.

So is there any kind of intervention that you can offer to a suicidal friend, to stop their downward spiral? And what are the limitations you must accept in such a scenario?

There are several factors that contribute to the tendency of an individual feeling suicidal. Let’s look at each of them.

Factors That Contribute to Suicidal Feelings

Psychological factors

Flexibility

This is the first principle of emotional health. It is a ‘demanding’ philosophy which is at the core of all emotional disturbances. If we did not hold on to rigid demands that things must only be a certain way, life would not be hard. It is perfectly okay to have desires and preferences of how you would like your life to be. It is only when these desires are escalated to ‘absolute must haves’ that they become a problem.

Perspective

If a person thinks that every moment of their life is a catastrophe instead of keeping things in perspective, they come down a lot harder on themselves. For instance, if I view every unpleasant situation as ‘awful’, or every disappointment as a ‘disaster’, I would find it untenable to continue to live. So taking the disappointments, inconveniences and discomforts of life into context is the next requirement for emotional health.

You need to accept your shortcomings and realize that neither you nor anyone else is perfect.

Objectivity

Most youth today have very low frustration tolerance and quickly label any discomfort or something that they don’t like as intolerable or unbearable. But we all survive so many discomforts and disappointments and live to tell the story. It’s when we do not realize our capabilities of handling difficulties and frustrations that we tend to engage in self-defeating self-talk. We begin to feel hopeless and resigned and start to behave in ways that are anti-life.

As a mental health professional I feel it is imperative that everyone understands that human beings can both construct and destroy. We have the ability to resolve problems as well as to self-sabotage, and therefore you must know that it is one’s conscious choice as to the kind of self-talk one chooses to engage in, because that is what determines how you face the many challenges life throws your way.

External factors and internal factors

There is often a debate about whether people become suicidal because of their circumstances, or because of internal factors [their psychological state or their genetic makeup]. The truth is that both factors play a role. Environmental factors like social isolation, poor family support, sudden loss or abusive relationships increase the risk of suicide. However, not everyone exposed to such situations wishes to die. Therefore internal factors clearly play a part. If one is genetically predisposed to depression, is clinically depressed, has high expectations from oneself, or has a tendency to suppress emotions, the risk of suicide definitely increases.

Bio-Psycho-Socio factors

When a person is identified as being at risk of self-harm, an intervention is needed to tackle both the internal and external factors, i.e. at a biological, psychological, and sociological.

Biological

A psychiatric assessment is required to give a person suffering from depression anti-depressant medication. This should be done by a psychiatrist in a hospital along with the support of a parent/partner/friend/volunteer at home. Resources like a suicide helpline, psychiatric emergency team and family doctor should be available on call to prevent a suicide attempt. Never leave the suicidal or depressed person alone and keep weapons and dangerous substances away.

Psychological

Teach the depressed individual the principles of flexibility, keeping things in perspective and objectivity to change their self-defeating self-talk, and help them to consciously choose pro-life beliefs irrespective of their circumstances.

Sociological

Help to negotiate changes in the environment e.g. relationship counseling in the case of poor family relationships or empowering them to get out of abusive relationships, cajoling the individual to create a support system by associating with a group of friends, a religious group, or any forum, and engaging in activities on a regular basis to reduce the social isolation.

In case of some kind of loss [whether the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, loss of reputation or finances, or a loss of a dream/life envisioned for oneself], facilitate the grieving process and then discuss the fact that there is life beyond that event, and encourage the individual to act against his/her withdrawal impulses.

How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal

Coping with depression and suicidal thoughts is about remaining in the driver’s seat at all times, and not being a slave to your genes, your thoughts, or even your circumstances. Here are suggestions to follow if you have a depressed and/or suicidal friend:

• Communicate your concern about their emotional wellbeing
• Suggest professional help in the form of a psychiatrist [who would medicate if necessary] and a psychotherapist [who would help to reverse depressive thought patterns]
  • Fix an appointment for your friend and accompany them for the first few appointments
  • Talk to the family of the friend, expressing your concern and ask them to be involved in the process by monitoring the medication and therapy sessions
• Keep in touch with your suicidal friend; encourage and invite them to socialize with a few close friends so that isolation is prevented
• Encourage your friend to be involved in a creative pursuit, some fulfilling work or a social/religious group to keep them constructively occupied
• Help create a support system with a combination of family, friends, volunteers, and helpline numbers that the suicidal friend can turn to whenever they are feeling particularly down
• Listen to your suicidal friend patiently whenever they call and motivate them to remain engaged in therapy and to take the prescribed medication sincerely
• Help with accessing a psychiatric team or with hospitalization procedures if ever necessary in an emergency.

If you have dared to care for your depressed or suicidal friend, extended your help and support in all the ways mentioned above, then know that you have done your best.

And if, in spite of your best efforts, your friend decides to end it all, simply pray for them and make peace with the fact that we are ultimately responsible for all our own choices, and that no one can or should assume responsibility for others.

Real Case: How Rohan helped her suicidal friend

Seema was an ad-film director in a production house. She had a breakdown on the sets on more than one occasion. Her producer Rohan expressed his concern about her emotional wellbeing and told Seema to use him as a sounding board if she ever needed someone to talk to. Seema started sharing some of her troubles regularly while he listened with empathy. One night she called to say she thought she was having a heart attack. He rushed over and took her to a nearby hospital, but all medical investigations were normal, it was diagnosed as a panic attack.

These attacks started happening frequently and he would help to calm her over the phone, but kept insisting that she should urgently see a professional counselor to resolve the deeper issues that were troubling her. She refused and said she preferred to talk only to him. One day she called hysterically crying and said that she didn’t want to live any more and planned to end her life. He rushed to her home where she lived alone and found her in a very distraught state. She had overdosed on anti-histamine medication. He called an ambulance and took her to a hospital. Her stomach was pumped and he stayed with her overnight.

The hospital psychiatrist paid her a visit and asked her to take some anti-depressant medication; through all this drama Rohan stuck around. When she was discharged, Rohan insisted that she see a psychotherapist along with continuing to take the medication. So he made an appointment for her to see me and even accompanied her for the session. He came in first to brief me about her reluctance to visit me. We then had several sessions and he would continue to accompany her, sitting in the waiting room during the session. He called her mother in Pune and informed her about the gravity of the situation and suggested that she live with Seema for a while to ensure that she took the medication and also to ensure that she did not make another suicide attempt.

Soon the medication and therapy empowered Seema with better coping skills. Rohan now no longer accompanied her to the sessions with me but kept in touch via email to check whether she was keeping her appointments.

Rohan had correctly recognized the need for professional intervention and had stretched himself to ensure that she got the right kind of help and family support. He also recognized his own limitations, which could not go beyond being an empathic listener. His timely intervention averted a possible successful suicide attempt.

— Names have been changed to protect identities

Last updated on 17^th June 2020

The post How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Asking for Help Is an Act of Courage

We’re all afraid to reach out and ask for help because of a reason. We share with each other an unconscious thought­—if everyone else appears to be doing okay, I should also appear okay and be able to manage without asking for help. A cry for help is considered sinister and something to be avoided. To appear weak frightens us. When we can bring those or similar thoughts up into our consciousness and recognise them, we can begin to let them go. Then we are able to be honest with each other and create mutually helpful relationships quite naturally.

Have You Ever Cried in Public?

Canadian poet, Shane Koyczan wrote, “Openly crying is like taking a vacation from the ‘everything’s okay’ mentality that the world wants everyone to adopt.” It’s high time we all take a permanent vacation from that fake worldview and become more authentic with each other. Asking for help isn’t necessarily as straight-forward as we believe it to be. Among my friends, the general consensus about what holds them back from asking for help was ‘not wanting to be a burden’ or ‘appear weak’. So, when finally there comes a point that one does ask for help, those beliefs are triggered, strengthening a particular pattern. We might spend our life making great efforts to be sure we never need ask for help, which can result in catastrophe if we let the pressure of trying to be that person get to us, and have it all go unchecked. Or we might find ourselves asking for the same help over and over. Each time we find help, there’s temporary relief but in a matter of time the same problem plagues us again. Old, conditioned reasoning kicks in, making us believe we must be stupid or lazy because we can’t manage on our own. These sorts of thoughts connect us to a universal victim/tyrant energy, a potent and pervasive pattern that runs our lives.

Crowdfunding and My Fear of Public Humiliation

As I write this I’m in the middle of a crowdfunding campaign to publish my book the Steps, a new paradigm in healing for our time. Crowdfunding is essentially a large number of people contributing small amounts of money in return for ‘perks’ and the opportunity to participate in the manifestation of an idea. When crowdfunding was suggested to me, I dismissed it because, truth be told, I was terrified of the prospect of public humiliation. What if nobody contributed or so few did that I’d look like a fool? What if people ridiculed my project or called me bogus? All those subconscious fears surfaced. Then two women from opposite sides of the world sent me an Internet link to a TED talk by Amanda Palmer, titled The art of asking.  I took it as a sign to take on crowdfunding. What I have found through this experience is that crowdfunding is about much more than financing your project.

It can be the sort of ‘openly crying’ that Koyczan wrote about. It’s like jumping into fire to publicly ask for help in this way. For me, it has brought to the surface every fear of asking. It has allowed me to release unconscious patterns of thought so that I no longer attract circumstances into my life that allow me to play the victim. Bruce Lee said that a goal isn’t necessarily something to be achieved, but is somewhere to aim. Instead of scaling back and playing small, I took the courage to set my crowdfunding budget high enough to achieve my vision of the Steps and risk my biggest fear of looking foolish. In the process, I have freed myself from any fear of humiliation.

Have the Courage to Look Foolish

We don’t all need to launch a crowdfunding campaign to release the unconscious patterns that hold us back from asking for help. We can just begin noticing. We can become our own calm witness to unconscious beliefs and the patterns we create that hold us back. A lovely way to practise asking for help is by asking your guides or angels—even if you don’t believe in guides or angels—you can ask and notice what is triggered, what fears come up to be looked at. The more you have the courage to risk looking foolish or weird by asking your guides for help, the more you will be able to ask clearly for what you need in the physical world. Support networks will appear, what you need will turn up. When you discover this for yourself, you release the victim/tyrant energy that enslaves so many. And as we each free ourselves from these binding energetic patterns, we create a world where everyone is acknowledged, cared for and freed completely from whatever holds them back from asking for help.

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