What Should a Real Friendship Feel Like?

When I think of what defines a great friendship, I recall what George Eliot said: “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

When a friendship feels that way, it seems that we can do and be anything we want to be with the support of our friend. But what happens when a friendship starts to create stress within you?

The Hidden Cost of Fake Friendships

Are you, like I was for a long time, under the notion that friendship is forever and no matter what a friend might say or do to you, you’ve got no choice but to grin and bear it? Holding on to friendships that sap the life out of you—because you think you have to or because you don’t want to be the one who breaks off—is unhealthy.

Research shows that toxic friendships can impact your mental health as much as romantic relationships gone wrong. When a friend isn’t really being a friend and is only pretending to like you, perhaps you need to take a step back and think if it’s over.

How Do You Know When a Friendship Has Run Its Course?

When it was time to let go of any friendship, I always resisted the move. I would rationalize the behavior of my friend or tell myself that I’m being oversensitive. But eventually I had to do it. I have learned now to trust my instincts about this and you will too, if you allow yourself to listen to your feelings.

The key question to ask yourself: Does this friendship leave you feeling energized or drained? Does it add value to your life or constantly take from it?

7 Clear Signs Your Friend is Only Pretending to Like You

1. You Feel Like You’re Not Being Heard (The One-Sided Conversation Test)

Recently I was at lunch with a friend and we spent hours together. When I got back home, I realized that all the while, she had done all the talking and I only listened. Except for a casual enquiry about my wellbeing, she was not interested in my life at all. I thought about our previous meetings, and I was saddened to realize that they had all been the same.

Red flag: Your friend consistently dominates conversations, shows no genuine curiosity about your life, or changes the subject when you try to share something important.

There are other ways in which friends don’t listen to us. For example, when you are in the process of making an important decision and are looking for some guidance, instead of listening to what you feel, your friend may overload you with advice based on his biases.

What genuine friends do differently: They ask follow-up questions, remember details from previous conversations, and create space for your thoughts and feelings.

2. They Make You Feel Guilty for Having Boundaries

Some people have a knack of treating others badly and when you call them out, they will turn the tables on you and make you feel guilty for pointing it out.

My friend Priya recently shared with me why she called it quits with her friend of many years, Karishma. Priya, a working single mom, was finding it difficult to attend all the social events that she would, in the past, never miss. Her mounting personal responsibilities did not leave her with any time for socializing. Sadly, Karishma could not understand this and kept pressuring her to come, sometimes even using emotional blackmail.

Warning signs of guilt-tripping:

• “If you were a real friend, you would…”
• Making you feel selfish for prioritizing your needs
• Using phrases like “You’ve changed” when you set boundaries
• Bringing up past favors to manipulate current situations

If you have a friend who behaves the same way, then know that this is just a tactic some people use to get what they want. Real friends respect your boundaries and support your life choices.

3. You Feel Used (The Transactional Friendship Problem)

A woman I know had a friend who borrowed a large sum of money from her, promising to return it. But when this woman asked for the money when she needed it, her friend made her feel horrible about asking for it back. She had no intentions of returning the money in the first place and this had been her plan right from the day she asked for the money.

Signs you’re being used:

• They only contact you when they need something
• They’re always “too busy” when you need help
• They borrow things and conveniently “forget” to return them
• They expect you to always be available but are rarely available for you

When I realized that a friend of many years showed a pattern of making friends with people who she found useful to her, it was a wake-up call. The faster we get out of these relationships, the better it is for our self-esteem.

4. Your Gut Tells You Something’s Off (Trust Issues)

Trust is a huge factor in any relationship. If you feel a lack of trust in your friendship then you must examine the reasons, check if your feelings are valid and then take a call about whether you want to continue or not.

Trust is not always broken with big betrayals. Sometimes it is the little things that erode trust. I recall when a friend of mine had started sharing with me intimate details that another friend had confided in her. I had not asked for any of this information to be shared with me; in fact, it was even making me uncomfortable.

Beware of these trust breakers:

• Gossiping about other friends to you (and likely about you to others)
• Breaking small promises consistently
• Sharing your personal information without permission
• Being unreliable with plans and commitments.

Remember, if you can’t share details of your life with this person, then that pretty much means the death of your relationship.

5. They Put You Down (Emotional Invalidation)

It is just not okay when a friend is constantly being sarcastic, making snide remarks about you, your appearance or your choices, or being verbally abusive. It’s important that you move away from such a person for your own emotional health.

Subtle put-downs include:

• Disguising criticism as “just being honest”
• Making jokes at your expense in front of others
• Minimizing your achievements or struggles
• Using sarcasm as a weapon rather than humor.

6. They’re Only Available When It’s Convenient for Them

One pattern I’ve noticed in fake friendships is the “convenience factor.” These friends will enthusiastically make plans when they’re bored or need company, but suddenly become unavailable when you need them.

Signs of convenience-based friendship:

• They cancel plans last minute without rescheduling
• They only want to hang out on their terms
• They’re “too busy” during your difficult times
• They resurface after long periods of silence when they need something

7. They Show Signs of Jealousy Rather Than Celebration

Another red flag: Instead of celebrating your successes, fake friends might downplay your achievements, compete with you unnecessarily, or find ways to make your good news about them.

Your friend is jealous of you if they are always:

• Changing the subject when you share good news
• One-upping your accomplishments
• Making backhanded compliments
• Being absent during your important moments

How to Handle a Fake Friend: Your Action Plan

Step 1: Use the Paper Test

When you’re not sure what to do, you could use a method suggested by Dr. Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends, True Friends:

“Draw a line down the middle of a page. On one side, list the good things that you get out of the friendship; on the other, the bad. If the bad outnumber the good, and you’re not getting something substantive enough from the relationship, it’s time to act.”

Step 2: Decide Your Exit Strategy

Once you’ve made your decision about moving on, you can either choose to:

1. Have a direct conversation – Best for long-term friendships where you want closure
2. Gradually distance yourself – Effective when direct communication might cause more drama
3. Set clear boundaries – If you must maintain contact (work, family connections)

Here’s a personal recommendation – I’ve found that in some friendships, it’s best to move away quietly, by distancing ourselves and slowly reducing all contact, because any direct communication about the friendship would result in more ill feeling.

Related » Signs of Toxic Friendship (and How To Withdraw Gracefully)

Frequently Asked Questions About Fake Friends

How do you know if someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore?

Look for consistent patterns: lack of reciprocity in communication, avoidance behaviors, consistently canceling plans without alternatives, and general disinterest in your life. The key is consistency over time, not isolated incidents.

What’s the difference between a friend going through a tough time and a fake friend?

Genuine friends going through difficulties: Still show care and concern for you, apologize when they’re not available, and make effort to maintain the relationship when they can.

Fake friends: Show self-centered behavior consistently, make excuses without taking responsibility, and only reach out when they need something.

Should you confront a fake friend?

This depends on the situation.

Confrontation works best when:

• You have a long history together
• They might be unaware of their behavior
• You genuinely want to save the friendship

Avoid confrontation when:

• They have a pattern of turning situations around on you
• Previous attempts at communication have failed
• You’ve already made the decision to end the friendship

The Psychology Behind Fake Friendships

Understanding why people engage in fake friendships can help you spot them earlier:

Common motivations for fake friends:

• Social status and connections
• Access to resources or opportunities
• Avoiding loneliness without emotional investment
• Keeping up appearances
• Using you as a “backup” friend

Protecting Yourself: Building Better Friendships

Green Flags of Genuine Friends:

• They celebrate your successes without jealousy
• They’re present during difficult times
• They respect your boundaries
• They apologize when they make mistakes
• They invest in the relationship consistently
• They make you feel comfortable being yourself

Red Flags to Watch For Early:

• Excessive focus on what you can do for them
• Discomfort with your other friendships
• Inconsistent behavior depending on who’s around
• Reluctance to share personal information while expecting yours
• Making you feel like you’re “lucky” to be their friend

The Healing Process: Moving Forward

Breaking off from a friendship, especially if you’ve known each other for a long time, is always difficult. It takes honesty, courage and determination to do this. Feelings of sadness, anger and regret might stay for a long time.

Yet, when you do let go of an unhealthy friendship, as hard as it might be, you create room in your life for more healthy and loving friendships.

Steps for emotional healing:

1. Acknowledge your feelings – It’s normal to grieve the loss of a friendship
2. Don’t blame yourself – Recognizing a fake friend is a skill, not a failure
3. Learn from the experience – What warning signs will you watch for next time?
4. Focus on your genuine relationships – Invest more time in friends who truly care
5. Stay open to new connections – Don’t let one bad experience close you off to new friendships

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to fake friends or struggling to identify genuine relationships, consider talking to a therapist. Professional support can be especially helpful if:

• You have a pattern of choosing fake friends
• You struggle with setting boundaries
• The experience has significantly impacted your self-esteem
• You’re afraid to trust new people

Related » Friends [always] in need?

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Real Friendship

Everyone deserves friends who genuinely care about them, support their growth, and add joy their life. Don’t settle for fake friendships out of fear of being alone.

As I’ve learned through my own experiences, it’s better to have a few genuine friends than many fake ones. Trust your instincts, value yourself enough to walk away from relationships that drain you, and stay open to the beautiful, authentic friendships that are waiting for you.

Remember what a wonderful reader once told me: “A true friend will never hurt your feelings intentionally.” Hold onto that truth as you navigate your relationships, and don’t be afraid to expect the genuine love and respect you deserve.

Have you experienced a fake friendship? Do you have a friend who only pretends to like you but does things that a friend would never do? What signs helped you recognize the situation? Share your story in the comments below – your experience might help someone else recognize their own fake friend situation.

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the March 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 28^th June 2025

The post 7 Clear Signs Your Friend is Just Pretending to Like You (And How to Handle It) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Forty years ago, cigarette smoking rarely produced feelings of guilt. Quite the contrary; it was considered fashionable and in vogue by many. Yet today, that same smoker is likely to be filled with guilt. Has the moral code changed? Of course, not.

What has changed is that today there is an overwhelming evidence of the devastating effects of tobacco, which was absent earlier. The guilt therefore comes from our understanding that it is harmful and therefore wrong to continue this destructive behaviour. No moral code has been broken.

Overeating when we are young and slim does not violate our moral beliefs and does not produce guilt, but all that changes as the excess pounds accumulate. Our morals remain unchanged.

Forty years ago, cigarette smoking rarely produced feelings of guilt

How it begins

The onset of guilt is more often related to a transgression of our powerful sense of right and wrong. Although this can change as new knowledge appears, much is deeply rooted and firmly established in early childhood. This is unique to one’s upbringing and culture. What is correct and acceptable in one culture, may be completely harmful or wrong in another.

There are times we should welcome guilt, it can be beneficial. This occurs when our conscious mind and subsequent feelings try to protect us from our destructive behaviours such as over-working, under-exercising, stealing or lying.

Guilt can move us to be more careful, better balanced, more caring, thoughtful and understanding. It is a nagging reminder that we need to change a behaviour that is not serving us well. We should welcome guilt on these occasions.

Destructive guilt occurs when this negative feeling is out of proportion to the situation or the occurrence which caused it. This can lead to loss of self confidence and self esteem. Relationships are frequently damaged or destroyed by guilt. The result is a dramatic increase in stress; the most destructive state in which a human can exist.

Guilt can move us to be more careful, better balanced, more caring, thoughtful and understanding

How to resolve guilt

Right the wrong

This is the simplest and most effective method and should be done when the feeling of remorse first appears. The longer we wait, the more the guilt will drain our physical and emotional energy and prevent us from righting the wrong.

Accept responsibility for what you have done. Then, repay the debt, return the property, apologise for your hurtful words and ask for forgiveness. If you cannot locate the person you offended or s/he is no more, apologise to a surrogate on that person’s behalf or write a letter admitting your mistake and ask for forgiveness.

Then, move on. Let it go. Do not keep apologising every time you encounter the person or the same situation. The past is the past, let it go.

Accept responsibility for what you have done

Eliminate self punishment

Self deprecating names and labels serve no positive purpose: never think or say them. “I should have … Why didn’t I…. I’m a really bad person for doing that ….” Labels like these worsen the feelings of self-condemnation and seldom, if ever, lead to a positive change in behaviour.

In almost all cases, the person committing the transgression feels far worse than the recipient. No matter how hard you try, you can never suffer enough guilt or feel miserable enough to change the tiniest detail of something that has occurred in the past. You can, however, make reconciliation and decide never to repeat the behaviour [And stick to that decision].

Stop looking for reasons to feel guilty

Examine the occurrence that produced the guilt. What exactly do I feel bad about? Was it entirely my fault? Were others involved? Was I misinformed? Did I have all the facts and information? If not, would my actions have been any different?

The intention here is not to justify your actions but to realise that there are always complicating issues. No one is perfect. Ask yourself, what did I learn? Unless you learn from the situation, the guilt will return because the behaviour that caused it will also return.

In almost all cases, the person committing the transgression feels far worse than the recipient

Look at the big picture

How important in the big picture of your life is the occurrence that led to the guilt? How will you feel about what happened six months or a year from now? Guilt feelings are almost always out of proportion to the event which caused them.

We all have issues to work through. Some require more effort than others. Our goal is to always stay centred and balanced.

Ask for forgiveness

Ask forgiveness not only from the one you offended but more importantly from whatever God, spirit, intelligence or universal force you believe permeates the universe and controls everything; even your guilt.

The post Are you on a guilt trip? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.