Ensuring that we know and use the correct body language not only places us in a position of power but also ensures that our colleagues, clients and competition interpret our behaviour correctly.

Sometimes you may verbally say nothing and yet your body language and posture shout another message. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.”

In fact, 93 per cent of a first impression is non-verbal, yet companies put very little emphasis on learning this one important fact.

Reading Someone’s Body Language

There are a number of positions every strong-minded, driven businessman/woman should know. I have broken it down into a simple method for understanding other people’s body language and from there we can perfect our own.

The first question you need to ask yourself when observing another person’s body position is: “Is this person’s body language open or closed?”

This helps you understand immediately if the person is in a positive or a negative mental state. Closed indicates that the person is in a negative mental state; this could indicate that they are sad, insecure, bored, annoyed, not listening etc. A closed body position is when the individual holds himself/herself or crosses arms, legs or objects particularly across the body or chest.

Sometimes you may verbally say nothing and yet your body language and posture shout another message

Whereas an open position indicates that the individual is either relatively confident or comfortable. Alternatively if they are ‘puffing up’, making themselves as big as possible then one may assume that they could be preparing for a fight. The ‘open’ person does not cross their arms, legs or use objects to cover their body. There is simply an uninterrupted line of sight between you and any part on the front of the other person’s body.

Just by being able to ask yourself the question—open or closed?—you can immediately understand almost 50 per cent of their emotional state—that being negative or positive.

Now considering you can read the very basics of how someone feels, it is important to turn the focus to yourself and ensure that you are conveying the correct message.

Below is a list of positive and negative positions and whether they are acceptable in specific situations.

Body Language Specifics: When to Use and When to Avoid

Pointing Directly at Someone

Interpretation—People feel scrutinised, threatened and defensive. If used to reprimand someone, it causes the brain to flood with cortisol, the stress hormone, causing that person’s thinking capabilities to shut down completely

• Correct time to use: when motivating someone directly, telling him/her that they can achieve something
• Incorrect time to use: when calling, reprimanding or talking to someone

Forefinger to Thumb

When gesturing at someone, you may press your forefinger to your thumb with your other fingers extended; with this you will project an authoritative but not aggressive air.

Interpretation—Non-threatening, Authoritative

• Correct time to use: when gesturing towards someone

Fidgeting With Hands, Pen or Object

Interpretation—Nervous, Uncertain

• Correct time to use: never!
• Incorrect time to use: during meetings, negotiations, social events

Steeple Hand Gesture

Interpretation—Authority, Power

• Correct time to use: show authority and power in meeting, negotiation or conference.

Holding Hands in Front of You

Interpretation—Protecting yourself, feeling slightly nervous; Uncomfortable

• Correct time to use: non-threatening situations where assuming a more submissive role may be more beneficial
• Incorrect time to use: when you are expected to stand out and express power and dominance

Holding Hands Behind Your Back

Interpretation—Air of confidence, Superiority

• Correct time to use: when you feel like you need to take the upper hand in a conversation
• Incorrect time to use: when in a social setting and/or attempting to create relationships with potential clients or referrals

Tucking Thumbs Into Pockets

Interpretation—Aggression

• Correct time to use: when in a potentially threatening situation
• Incorrect time to use: when standing casually in conversation with people or when standing on your own

Hands On Hips

This is an extremely powerful and domineering position and therefore should be used sparingly to assert authority and dominance

Interpretation—Extreme power, Dominant

• Correct time to use: expressing your authority and power in a group of people
• Incorrect time to use: when trying to make someone feel comfortable

Crossed Legs/Ankles [Men]

[Seated Position]

Interpretation—Uncertain, Nervous, Protecting yourself

• Correct time to use: when attempting to come across as a guarded, calculated individual
• Incorrect time to use: when trying to assert authority or dominance

Feet Hip-Width Apart On the Ground [Men]

Interpretation—Solid, Grounded, Comfortable, Confident, Open

• Correct time to use: meetings, casual conversation

Crossed Arms

This is a naturally defensive position that we often, assume yet it is one of the most negative positions to stand in.

Interpretation—Uncomfortable, Insecure, Disinterested, Angry, Not listening, Bored, Defensive, Irritated

• Correct time to use: displaying your disagreement in a negotiation
• Incorrect time to use: when socialising or standing in a group of colleagues, meeting people, talking to new people, when feeling nervous

Arms Hanging Loosely At Your Side

[with legs shoulder width apart]

Interpretation—Authoritative, Confident, Powerful, At ease

• Correct time to use: when standing in a professional setting, waiting to meet a powerful person
• Incorrect time to use: when you need to show your dissatisfaction with something

Be in Complete Control

The examples in this article represent a small sample of what body language can be used to infer. Investing time and focus in learning the correct body positioning can significantly improve your professional appearance and the way in which people perceive you. It allows you to understand the emotional state of other people and, in turn, how to approach them accordingly.  People often believe that we are victims of other people’s judgements when in fact we are the masters of their judgement. Learning the appropriate body language can help you ensure that you maintain complete control, authority and a professional appearance at all times.

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Never Make These Body Language Mistakes at Work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But you also know the other feeling: You meet someone, you try to be friendly, to make a good impression but everything goes wrong. There are uncomfortable silences. You fish for topics. You bump into each other as you both start at once and then both stop. You try to lighten the mood and he looks as if you punched him in the stomach. Whatever you do to make things better makes them worse.

If conversation always followed the first pattern, I wouldn’t have to write this article. If it always followed the second, no one would ever talk to anyone and nothing would get done. Talk is mostly somewhere in the middle. Sometimes what people say seems to make perfect sense and sometimes it sounds a little odd. If someone doesn’t quite get our point, we let it go, the talk continues, and no one pays much attention.

But if an important outcome hangs on the conversation—if it’s a job interview or a business meeting—the results can be very serious. And if the conversation is with the most important person in your life, the little hitches can become big ones. Then, you can’t not pay attention.

If this happens all the time—at home, at work, or in routine day-to-day encounters, so that you feel misunderstood all the time and never quite understand what others are getting at—you start to doubt your own ability, or even your sanity.

Sometimes what people say seems to make perfect sense and sometimes it sounds a little odd

For example, Natasha is applying for a job as office manager at the headquarters of an ice-cream distributor—a position she’s well qualified for. Her last job, although it was called ‘administrative assistant’, actually involved running the whole office, and she did a great job. But at the interview, she never gets a chance to explain this. The interviewer does all the talking, Natasha leaves feeling frustrated—and she doesn’t get the job. Or at home: Tina and Ajay have a good marriage. They love each other and are quite happy. But a recurring source of tension is that Tina often feels that Ajay doesn’t really listen to her. He asks her a question, but before she can answer, he asks another—or starts to answer it himself. When they get together with Ajay’s friends, the conversation goes so fast, Tina can’t get a word in edgewise. Afterwards, Ajay complains that she was too quiet, though she certainly isn’t quiet when she gets together with her friends. Ajay thinks it’s because she doesn’t like his friends, but the only reason Tina doesn’t like them is that she feels they ignore her—and she can’t find a way to get into their conversation.

Sometimes strains in a conversation reflect real differences between people: they are angry with each other; they really are at cross-purposes. But sometimes strains and kinks develop when there really are no basic differences of opinion, when everyone is sincerely trying to get along. This is the type of miscommunication that drives people crazy. And it is usually caused by differences in conversational style. To say something and see it taken to mean something else; to try to be helpful and be thought pushy; to try to be considerate and be called cold; to try to establish a rhythm so that talk will glide effortlessly about the room, only to end up feeling like a conversational clod who can’t pickup the beat—such failure at talk undermines one’s sense of competence and of being a right sort of person.

Kiran’s mother-in-law had the habit of coming to visit with her dog: a cute but nervous and not yet house-trained little creature who barked at Kiran’s dog and caused a general ruckus. Kiran tried politely to let her mother-in-law know that she didn’t want her to bring the dog. She said, “You shouldn’t bring your dog because it’s not fair to him. He gets upset and barks at our dog, and then you have to lock him up, so he’s not comfortable.” The mother-in-law thanked Kiran for her concern but assured her that the dog was fine during the visits. So Kiran had to be more direct and say that she didn’t like having the dog there. The mother-in-law didn’t take offence, but Kiran was angry because she felt her mother-in-law had forced her to be rude. She complained to her husband, Dev, “Why do I always have to spell things out for her?”

It wasn’t until Kiran heard my explanation of indirectness that it occurred to her that the problem was different conversational styles rather than her mother-in-law’s obstinate character. She saw for the first time that what she had thought of as being polite was actually indirect and possibly not clear communication. For his part, Dev often offended and upset Kiran’s mother by being too direct, by saying For example, “I don’t want to do that” instead of “Well, I’ll see what I can do,” refusing only after giving the impression of having tried.

What some would call honesty was rudeness to Kiran. For example, when a new friend, Priya, called to bow out of a dinner invitation by explaining she was just too tired, Kiran was offended. Just being tired didn’t seem sufficient reason to back out, so giving it as a reason seemed to show callousness towards the invitation. An appropriate excuse would have been that Priya didn’t feel well or that something unexpected had come up—whether or not it was true.

Kiran never repeated the invitation, and she invented the appropriate excuses when Priya invited her. And that was the end of the budding friendship.

Sometimes strains and kinks develop when there really are no basic differences of opinion, when everyone is sincerely trying to get along

Talking makes our worlds

In this way, our personal worlds are shaped by conversation—not only with family, friends, and co-workers but also in public. Whether the world seems a pleasant or a hostile place is largely the result of the cumulative impression of seemingly insignificant daily encounters: dealings with shop assistants, bank clerks, bureaucratic officials, cashiers, and telephone operators.

When these relatively minor exchanges are smooth and pleasant, we feel [without thinking about it] that we are doing things right. But when they are strained, confusing, or seemingly rude, our mood can be ruined and our energy drained. We wonder what’s wrong with them—or us. Indirectness, ways of using questions or refusing politely, are aspects of conversational style.

We also send out signals by how fast we talk, how loudly, by our intonation and choice of words, as well as by what we actually say and when. These linguistic gears are always turning, driving our conversations, but we don’t see them because we think in terms of intentions [rude, polite, interested] and character [she’s nice, he’s not]. Despite good intentions and good character all around—our own [which we take for granted] and others’ [which we easily doubt]—we find ourselves caught in miscommunication because the very methods, and the only methods, we have of communicating are not, as they seem, self-evident and ‘logical’. Instead, they differ from person to person, even within an apparently quite homogeneous society.

A lot of seemingly inexplicable behaviour—signs of coming closer or pulling back—occurs because others react to our style of talking in ways that lead them to conclusions we never suspect.

Can we do something about this?

What can we do to avoid such misunderstandings in fleeting or intimate conversations? In some cases, we can alter our styles with certain other people. And we may try to clarify our intentions by explaining them, though that can be tricky. We usually don’t know when there has been a misunderstanding. And even if we do, few people are willing to go back and pick apart what they’ve just said or heard. Just letting others know that we’re paying attention to how they talk can make them nervous.

Trying to be direct with someone who isn’t used to it just makes things worse—as Kiran felt angry that her mother-in-law forced her to be rude by ‘spelling things out’. People intent on finding hidden meanings will look more and more desperately for the unexpressed intentions underlying our intended ‘direct’ communication.

Often the most effective repair is to change the frame—the definition or the tone of what’s going on—not by talking about it directly but by speaking in a different way, exhibiting different assumptions, and hence triggering different responses in the person we’re talking to.

But the most important thing is to be aware that misunderstandings can arise, and with them tempers, when no one is crazy and no one is unkind and no one is intentionally dishonest. We can learn to stop and remind ourselves that others may not mean what we heard them say. Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations.

This article is meant to assure you that when conversations seem to be causing more problems than they’re solving you aren’t losing your mind. And you may not have to lose [if you don’t want to] your friendship, your partner, or your money to the ever-gaping jaws of differences in conversational style.

Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations

Metamessages: It’s not what you say but how you say it

You’re sitting in a coffee shop or at a party—and suddenly you feel lonely. You wonder, “What do all these people find to talk about that’s so important?” Usually the answer is, Nothing. Nothing that’s so important. But people don’t wait until they have something important to say in order to talk.

Very little of what is said is important for the information expressed in the words. But that doesn’t mean that the talk isn’t important. It’s important, as a way of showing that we are involved with each other. Our talk is saying something about our relationship.

Information conveyed by the meanings of words is the message. What is communicated about relationships—attitudes toward each other, the occasion, and what we are saying—is the metamessage. And it’s metamessages that we react to most strongly. If someone says, “I’m not angry,” and his jaw is set hard and his words seem to be squeezed out in a hiss, you won’t believe the message that he’s not angry; you’ll believe the metamessage conveyed by the way he said it. Comments like “It’s not what you said but the way that you said it” or “Why did you say it like that?” are responses to metamessages of talk.

Involvement and Independence

The philosopher Schopenhauer gave an oft-quoted example of porcupines trying to get through a cold winter.

They huddle together for warmth, but their sharp quills prick each other, so they pull away. But then they get cold. They have to keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and from getting pricked by their fellow porcupines—the source of both comfort and pain.

We need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, to feel we’re not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance from each other to preserve our independence, so others don’t impose on or engulf us. This duality reflects the human condition. We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals.

Another way to look at this duality is that we are all the same—and all different. There is comfort in being understood and pain in the impossibility of being understood completely.

We balance the conflicting needs for involvement and independence by hinting and picking up hints, by refraining from saying some things and surmising what other people mean from what they refrain from saying. Linguists refer to the way people mean what they don’t exactly say as indirectness.

There is comfort in being understood and pain in the impossibility of being understood completely

Why we don’t say what we mean

Diya told Atul she was hurt because he fixed himself a snack without offering her any. So he offered her the snack he had just fixed. She turned it down. He asked why. Because he hadn’t prepared it for her. Atul was exasperated: Was she hungry or not?

To Diya, whether or not she was hungry was beside the point; the point was whether or not Atul thought about her when he fixed himself a snack, which showed whether or not he cared about her as much as she cared about him. She would never feed herself without asking him, “Would you like some?” In fact, she might not even have a snack if he didn’t want one.

Being direct and honest wouldn’t help here. Diya could say straight out that she’s hungry—or isn’t—but that has nothing to do with it. She could say straight out that she wants to know Atul cares. But she can only know he cares if he thinks of her on his own. What good is it if you order someone to say “I love you” and he parrots it? It’s no good at all telling people what you want if what you want is for them to know without your telling them. That’s the rapport benefit of indirectness.

This drama is played out in the birthday present routine as well. Anyone could get you what you want for your birthday if you told him what you want. In fact, you could get it for yourself, if it were the gift that mattered. What really matters is the evidence that the person knows you well enough to figure out what you would like, and cares enough to spend the time getting it.

An instance of indirect communication

An Indian woman explained how she and her father communicated. If she wanted to do something, like go to a dance, she had to ask her father for permission. He never said no. But she could tell from the way he said yes whether or not he meant it. If he said something like “Yes, of course, go” she knew he thought it was a good idea. If he said something like “If you want, you can go” she understood that he didn’t think it was a good idea, and she wouldn’t go. His tone of facial and all the elements of conversational style gave her clues as to how he felt about her going.

Why didn’t he just tell her that he didn’t think she should go? Why wasn’t he “honest”? Well, he did tell her, in a way that was clear to both her and him. To the extent that we can even talk about honesty in communicative habits, any system that gets meaning across is honest.

It’s easy to see that the Indian father might prefer not to appear tyrannical. What’s more, he might not feel tyrannical, but might genuinely feel that he didn’t say no; his daughter chose not to go of her own free will. How much better to have a daughter who chooses to behave properly rather than one who simply obeys… And the daughter herself might prefer it to appear that she is choosing not to go. In fact, she may actually feel that she is choosing, since her father never actually said she couldn’t go. How much better to choose to act properly than to be forced into obeying… So the indirectness of their communication contributes to the appearance, and probably also the feeling, of rapport.

To the extent that we can even talk about honesty in communicative habits, any system that gets meaning across is honest

Why we can’t say what we mean

If our attempts to communicate by indirectness keep tripping us up and sending us sprawling, why do we keep trying? Why don’t we just say what we mean—directly?

We’ve seen that it’s more satisfying to communicate indirectly; it would be boring simply to say what we mean, and we’d lose the metamessage of rapport. It’s useful to cover ourselves by not going on record with what we think. But even if we wanted to be direct, we couldn’t, for the following reasons:

First, deciding to tell the truth leaves open the question, which of the infinite aspects of the truth to tell.

Second, being direct isn’t enough because countless assumptions underlie anything we say or hear. We don’t think of stating them precisely because they are assumptions.

Third, stating just what we mean would often be hurtful to others.

And finally, differing styles make honesty opaque. Let’s look at examples of why we can’t say what we mean.

Ellen returned to her hometown for her sister’s wedding. At the reception she talked to a lot of relatives and old high-school friends. She told no untruths and had no intention of telling any, yet she gave different people very different accounts of her life as a graduate student. And she walked away from some conversations feeling she had misrepresented herself.

In some conversations, Ellen stressed how well she was doing: She liked the city she lived in, the courses she was taking, the new friends she had made. She expressed satisfaction with her life and herself and painted a rosy picture of them. But in talking to other people, Ellen painted a different picture. She stressed the negative aspects of her life, the danger and discomforts of living in a big city and the long hours of study.

Both pictures were true. That is, they were both composites assembled from pieces of truth. Yet both were untrue, insofar as they omitted the pieces included in the other account, as well as innumerable pieces included in neither. There is no way that Ellen, or anyone, could tell every aspect of the truth. When constructing a story for a specific occasion, we instinctively identify a main point or goal and include the details that contribute to it. Although Ellen didn’t consciously decide to do so, she painted a positive picture of her life when she spoke to relatives and her parents’ friends. She didn’t want them to worry about her or repeat to her parents anything that might cause them concern.

The negative view of her life was constructed for her old friends from high school, women her age who were married and bored and slightly envious of her life of independence and intellectual stimulation. She wanted, instinctively, to forestall rather than incite their envy.

There is not world enough or time to state every detail, every aspect of the truth, even if we could keep them all in our minds—which we can’t. Selecting words to speak and information to give always entails choices among vast alternatives. The accrual of the details that are chosen presents some aspects of the truth, inevitably falsifying or omitting others. It is impossible to tell the whole truth.

What you can and can’t do with conversational style

Humans want to understand their own and others’ behaviour. For humans in our society this often means seeking psychological explanations. If distress is extreme, they may seek psychological treatment. Plenty of situations and individuals warrant this. But before trying this drastic measure, it’s a good idea to ask whether the problem may simply be differences in conversational style. If it is, it can be treated at home. If pain persists, see your doctor. But you may find that fewer visits to the doctor are really needed.

The first step is to understand your own style: What are you doing when you communicate? What effect is it having on how others talk to you? How is your style a response to their way of talking to you? A way to help the process of observation is tape recording. With permission, of course, you can tape your conversations and listen to the tape to get a better understanding of how you and others talked and the effect this had on the interaction. If you aren’t comfortable taping, or if the people you talk to aren’t comfortable being taped, you can just observe.

As you get a sense of your own conversational style, there are ways you can adjust it. Here are some. You will doubtless think of others yourself.

The first step is to understand your own style: What are you doing when you communicate?

If you expect people to continue talking while you’re listening, but you see that someone keeps stopping when you respond so that you seem to be interrupting, you can back off and listen more quietly. If you find yourself doing all the talking, you may try counting to six after you think the other person has finished or failed to take a turn, to make sure she isn’t just gearing up to say something.

If you feel yourself being continually cut off, you may try to speed up, leaving smaller gaps between your turn and someone else’s, and within your own talk. And you may force yourself not to stop when others start talking, but to talk right over them. If that doesn’t work, you can try using a nonverbal sign of having something to say—like waving your hand or leaning forward.

If you feel put off because someone is asking you too many questions, rather than evade the questions, you may try asking questions yourself, or pick a topic of interest to you and talk about it. From the other side, if you are asking questions to get someone talking, and he is answering in monosyllables or less, rather than asking more and different questions, you may stop asking them entirely and either volunteer information or let there be silence. No matter what the effect is, doing something different will at least change the interaction and stop the spiral of clashing styles.

Metacommunicating: A powerful tool

A powerful tool is metacommunicating: talking about communication, with or without using the terms metamessage, frame, or conversational style. You may say something about what’s going on—not, preferably, something judgemental like “Stop interrupting me” or “Give me a chance to talk,” but something that focusses on your intentions, like “I want to say something but I need more time to get going” or “When I chime in, I don’t expect you to stop. Go on.” Another form of metacommunication is naming the frame: “I feel like we’re having a shouting match. Can we slow it down?”

You may also ask the other person what she or he expected in response to a comment or question. You may be surprised by what you hear. In addition, putting into words what you expected in response to what you said forces you to consider the other person’s point of view.

The most powerful way to change interaction is to change the frame without making it explicit: reframing by talking or acting in a different way. Reframing is a repair job that often can be done most effectively behind the scenes.

No matter what the effect is, doing something different will at least change the interaction and stop the spiral of clashing styles

Use with Caution

Ironically, it is easier to make these changes and improve communication with others we don’t know well and don’t talk to frequently, than it is with partners and family members. For one thing, it takes effort to convert processes that are normally automatic into conscious ones. Having to make this effort all the time, every day, can be exhausting.

Even more significant than your way of speaking is, in a sense, your identity. Talking differently makes one feel like a different sort of person. Some people, furthermore, persist in focussing on the aspects of speech they have always been aware of—accent, vocabulary, and rules of grammar—and cling to the conviction that their way of doing things is the right way.

Conversational style is normally invisible but not unconscious. People often say, spontaneously, “It’s not what you said but the way you said it,” even if they can’t put their finger on just what it was about the way you said it that they reacted to.

Knowing about conversational style gives names to what were previously felt as vague forces. Once pointed out, they have a ring of familiarity and truth.

Adapted from That’s Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships, HarperCollins, 1986.©Deborah Tannen. Used with permission of the author.

The post Talking sense: How to always say what you mean and prevent misunderstandings appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Our body speaks its own language: each time you move a hand, or your eyes or even shift your weight you give away what you are thinking at that particular moment. clearly, actions do speak louder than words!

Know your body’s language

Body language is a form of non-verbal communication that involves the use of stylised gestures, postures, and physiologic signs, which act as cues to other people. Hundreds of years of research have concluded that we depend heavily on body language to reach conclusions about a person’s honesty, attitudes and preferences.

In fact, lawyers and judges also make decisions about innocence based on the body language of the accused. Psychologists and therapists rely heavily on their clients’ sitting posture, hand movements and eye contact to gauge what kind of mental disturbance they may be having.

Body language also decides if we like a person or not. According to Dr Albert Mehrabian, world authority on body language: Total Liking = 7 per cent verbal liking + 38 per cent vocal liking + 55 per cent facial liking.

So although you may think you loved a teacher’s class because she taught so well, in all likelihood her words left less impact on you than the animated gestures she used and how well modulated her voice was. Moreover, since it’s tougher to control body language than our words, people choose to rely more on these signals to gauge the feelings involved, especially in difficult situations.

Imagine that your boss takes you aside and gives you a talk about your poor performance. You can choose not to say anything but how could you not send a non-verbal message? Nodding gravely would be a response. So would blushing, avoiding or making direct eye contact, shaking your head affirmatively or negatively.

While you can shut off your linguistic channels of communication by refusing to speak or write, it is virtually impossible to avoid sending signals through your body.

This is why it becomes very important to understand the language that our body speaks and learn effective ways of adjusting non-verbal communication to make it more effective.

Use body language to your advantage

Experts believe that one of the most important precursors to success is how one controls his or her body language. For example, if you have a habit of crossing your arms while talking, people could perceive that as a sign of being rude. Although this may just be a habit with you, most people would unconsciously interpret your gesture as untrustworthy and judge you based on your actions.

Using the right body language sends out positive signals to people you meet. Not only will you be liked and trusted, but this could also hugely boost your relationships, career and even your self-esteem. Research has found that nearly all body language behaviours include one or more of eight primary elements.

Here are some tips on the universally accepted way of using these eight elements.

1. Face: A person’s face communicates emotions clearly. Smiles for instance convey friendliness. You can express warmth and acceptance on your face by thinking positive thoughts; when you think good things, it’s likely to show up in your expression!
2. Eyes: They are the window to your soul. Maintaining eye contact gives an impression of honesty and genuineness; poor eye contact may indicate lack of interest, being untruthful, shyness or a feeling of superiority.What’s good eye contact then? Focus your eyes on the other person, and gently shift your gaze away from their face and then back. Never stare into a person’s eyes or their forehead—it conveys doubt, hostility or insincerity. Avoid blinking frequently as it indicates anxiety and lack of confidence.
3. Gestures: Stroking the chin while listening suggests that the listener is contemplating what is being said. Similarly, nodding conveys interest and understanding. Pointing can have a cultural significance—in the USA, pointing with an extended finger is common; while in Asia, it is considered rude. Handshakes are a universal gesture of greeting.Fidgeting, tapping a pen, drumming on the desk, jingling pocket change, shifting from one foot to the other are all considered negative body language—so avoid them.
4. Postures: Crossing arms and legs are considered defensive gestures, indicating barriers and an attempt to protect oneself. Hands on the hips may suggest superiority. In a face-to-face conversation, always sit at a slight angle and lean forward when speaking. This indicates genuine interest. Avoid slouching, leaning back and stretching your feet in front of you.
5. Tone: We pay more attention to the inflection, pitch and pace of a speaker’s voice rather than the words they use. So keep your voice wide awake, smile when you speak, avoid artificial accents, enunciate clearly and emphasise important words.
6. Movement: Moving toward another person may send a message of dominance or assertiveness, while moving away from another person may send a message of avoidance, submission, or simply bringing the interaction to a close.
7. Touch: This is one of the most powerful elements of body language used for friendship, professional, social, and intimacy purposes. Touch has cultural significance; in Asian cultures a while greeting someone, a touch on the shoulder is adequate, while Americans prefer hugging or kissing.
8. Appearance: Dressing and hygiene says a lot about you and your mood. A few pointers: dress neatly and appropriately; avoid overpowering perfumes and hair oils. Use minimal make-up and jewellery. Clothes need to be ironed, colour co-ordinated and occasion specific.Yet body language is not always reliable. Sitting with your arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture. But it might simply mean that you are feeling cold!

Don’t jump to conclusions

Body language can have a multitude of meanings depending on several factors, and it is a serious mistake to assume that you can decide the truth in any given case.

A better idea is to look for clusters of behaviour instead of just one action. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips pursed disapprovingly, it’s a fairly safe bet they are on the defensive.

Most body language experts favour the Rule of Four—look for at least four signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

So while some proponents do claim that body language is the key that makes it possible to read a person ‘like a book’, approach that thought with caution! An awareness of body language can certainly boost your understanding of others, but it’s unlikely to transform you into a mind reader.

And finally, remember that your body language is only a reflection of your inner self. If you have a positive attitude, high self-esteem and confidence it will automatically show up as appealing body language!

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