In this article I will take you through each of the four stages stage of forgiveness to help you start forgiving because, as you will see, it is so vital to your health, happiness and peace of mind.

The Four Stages of Forgiveness

1. Hurt

The first stage of forgiveness is hurt. Someone has wronged me, done something mean to me; someone has been unfair to me and I cannot forget it; I feel hurt. The hurt keeps on throbbing within me. It is here that we must remember that it is not I who feels hurt, but the ego.

A woman met a holy man and confessed that she had resentment in her heart against a prominent sister of the community. The holy man said to her, “Go to her immediately. Don’t try to justify or excuse yourself. Tell her that you have had an unkind thought about her. Be humble and ask for forgiveness.”

The woman said, “I can’t do that. I can’t forget the hurt she had inflicted on me.”

The woman was at the first stage – the stage of hurt. Those that are at this stage naturally hold grudges, not realizing that those who hold a grudge injure themselves more than the ones against whom the grudge is held.

Hatred and malice, like anger and worry, bring harm to the body, since they poison the blood. And they keep on increasing, for, “a grudge is the only thing that does not get better when it is nursed.”

2. Hate

Hurt leads to hate, which is the second stage. I cannot forget how much I have been hurt and so cannot send out thoughts of goodwill to my enemy. In some cases, I hate the person so much that I want him or her to suffer, as much as I am suffering.

Madam Chiang Kai-Shek hated the Japanese. Her mother was a pious woman who prayed often. Madam Chiang said to her, “Why don’t you pray to God that He may drown Japan in the waters of the ocean?”

Her mother, of course, said to her, “My child, how can I offer such an evil prayer?”

An artist once painted Hatred as an old man shriveled up, pale as death, clutching in his claws lighted torches and serpents, and cruelly tearing out his own heart with black, decayed teeth. Asked to explain the significance of the picture, the artist said, “Hatred is an old man because it is as ancient as mankind; pale because he who hates, torments himself and lives a tragic life; with claws because it is so unmerciful; with torches and serpents because it creates discord; and it tears out its heart because it is self-destructive.”

3. Healing

Hurt leads to hate. Then comes the third stage—healing. God’s grace descents on me and I begin to see the person who has hurt me in a new light. I begin to understand his or her difficulty. My memory is healed and I am free again.

A girl came to a holy man and said, “I know not why, but I am unable to sit in silence and pray or meditate. I feel restless. I used to be so happy.”

The holy man asked, “Why do you think is it so?”

The girl answered, “I think it has something to do with one whom, at one time, I regarded as a friend. But she was very cruel to me, and I said that I would never forgive her, never talk to her. I am sorry I said it, but since then there has been no peace in my heart. What shall I do?”

The holy man said, “It is better to break a bad vow than to keep it. Go to her and seek her forgiveness.”

The next morning, she went to her friend and confessed her uncharitable attitude and asked her forgiveness.

The one whose forgiveness was sought burst into tears. She said, “You have come to ask for forgiveness. It is I who should be asking for forgiveness, for I am ashamed of my wrong attitude.”

The two friends were reconciled.

4. Coming together

After healing comes the fourth stage of coming together. I am anxious to make friends with the person who hurt me; I invite him into my life. I share my love with him and we both move to a new and healed relationship.

Conclusion

Forgiveness isn’t reserved only for the saints and sages. It is not a feat of supernatural power. It is just about letting go of the hurtful past, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. Forgiveness asks you to see things differently, look at life from a new perspective. It is the realization that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

Forgiveness and love are really two sides of the same coin. And love, as you know, is the strongest force in the world.

The post Dada Vaswani Shares the Four Stages of Forgiveness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The problem with such an idea is that most people often mistake solitude for loneliness and do not really understand what it entails, and why it should not be considered as a bad thing. So what is solitude then?

Understanding solitude

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as “a state or situation in which you are alone usually because you want to be”. The end of this sentence is the most important part: solitude is a conscious decision, a self-imposed temporary exile from the dizzying speed of the modern world. It means deliberately turning your back on outside stimuli in order to get some well-deserved “me” time.

Trying to avoid solitude at any cost is one of the most common pitfalls in life, and actually does more harm than good.

Why solitude is good for your wellbeing

When you have the entire world at your fingertips through a mouse click on your computer or an app on your phone, you are never truly alone unless you make a conscious decision to take some time out and deliberately ignore the constant stream of information and notifications that can turn your life into a wild dance of unbearable rhythm.

Any time spent in solitude is a fertile soil for introspection, to think about life-defining decisions, or simply to evacuate excessive amounts of stress. When you are alone with yourself you become the centre of your own universe, standing in a thick bubble that keeps you away from outside stimuli. Most people already do it instinctively from time to time. We have all had moments where we cancelled a night out or a scheduled appointment for no apparent reason, just because it did not feel right.

But while we all sometimes feel the urge to take a step back, if you are not really conscious of what you are doing and why, you might miss out on some of the most positive benefits you could draw from such an experience, which then turns into nothing more than a delaying tactic against the assaults of your everyday life.

Once you have learned to recognise this craving for solitude for what it is, it is surprisingly easy to put that time to good use and turn it into an essential and extremely beneficial way of life. Self-awareness of the process you are going through can do wonders for your physical and mental health.

The vital role of meditation

Meditation might be one of the best ways to use that alone time to recenter yourself and restore the balance that went off-track. Move to a room with as much space as possible, lock all the doors and dim the lights, put on some relaxing music, and just let yourself go. Try to clear your mind of any thought, it might be hard at first but practice will make it easier in time. Imagine that every stray thought is an intruder, like a door-to-door salesman ringing the bell on your day off, so just ignore it until it walks away.

When your mind is blank, it turns into an impressively strong battery for your inner energy, restoring your lost potential and putting you back on track with your life. Take as much time as you need. Once you are satisfied with yourself, it is time to open your mind to the outside world again.

This is when meditation should turn into introspection. When your mind is in a blank state and your brain starts sending back thoughts and signals again, try to “catch” every important thought and topic of your life as it comes rushing in. Take a step back from each of them, and try to objectively analyse what is going right, and what is going wrong. Meditation left you overflowing with energy, so it will be easier for you to determine what you could do to improve any situation or dilemma in your life.

Once you recognise your own need for solitude and time spent away from the world, you will also be better prepared for it and will not waste that alone time procrastinating, or letting yourself be drawn by the lure of instant distractions brought by the endless possibilities of the Internet. Try to focus your time on what you actually enjoy doing, watching one of your favorite movies or reading a good book with a warm cup of tea. Try to maximise the benefits that this experience will yield, and you will emerge from your bubble with more confidence and strength than you thought possible.

The benefits of solitude

1. A clear head
2. Body and mind both balanced and at rest
3. A strength that comes from within to help you cope with any stress from the outside world.

These are the main benefits of solitude once you have learned how to see it and use it as a tool and ally rather than another obstacle in your path. Solitude is not the same thing as loneliness, and in a world that keeps changing and evolving faster and faster, where it is so easy to feel lost in a crowd, even when you are surrounded with friends and loved ones, it is a life preserver that can prevent you from drowning in a world of overwhelming information.

People who spend every single moment interacting with friends, colleagues, and family can sometimes be some of the loneliest people in the world. Do not let torrents of information and stimuli make you lose your sense of self. Loneliness and stress can be overcome simply by embracing your primal and very human need for solitude. Make the most of it, and even when you are alone you will never be lonely.

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Human beings are, by nature, creatures of habit. Searching for a life that is both predictable and within our comfort zone, we rely on routine and, for the most part, learned thinking patterns. We create pathways in our minds in much the same way that a path is beaten through a grass field from repeated use. Because these patterns are automatic, we may believe these habitual ways of thinking and behaving to be beyond our control. Thus we rationalise our responses to life and fall prey to forces that limit our potential as human beings. By viewing ourselves as relatively powerless and driven by instinct, the possibility that we can create, or at least co-create, our own reality becomes difficult to grasp. Instead, we often lock ourselves inside our own mental prisons. We lose sight of our own natural potential and that of others. In essence, we become prisoners of our thoughts.

Yet we can reshape our patterns of thinking. Through our own search for meaning, we can unfreeze ourselves from our limited perspective, find the key, and unlock the door of our metaphorical prison cell. We can change our perspective once we realise that we do, indeed, have the freedom to choose our attitude toward whatever is happening in our lives.

The responsibility for choosing our attitude lies solely with each of us. It cannot be transferred to someone else. This ultimate responsibility applies both to our personal and our work lives. We have made this claim over the years to various business and government clients, especially in cases where workers, including executives and managers, seem intent on complaining about their working conditions rather than doing anything to change the situation. We all know people who habitually define their work or job in a negative way.

Take, for example, Bob, who would appear to many to be a fairly successful bank executive. However, his work journey has taken him through some dramatic twists and turns, causing him much stress. Bob rarely, if ever, seems positive or optimistic about his job and, by extension, his life. He complains incessantly about his responsibilities, his colleagues, his customers, his community, and just about every other aspect of his working life. Bob’s colleagues and family hear nothing but stories of misery, negativity, and despair.

Unfortunately, Bob seems unable and unwilling to see that he is creating his own reality, that his constant complaining is hampering his work success and negatively affecting his family and his personal life. One by one, Bob’s friends have drifted away from him, not wanting to surround themselves with such negativity. His family perseveres, enduring through a sense of obligation but certainly not through a sense of joy.

The responsibility for choosing our attitude lies solely with each of us

Complaining about a miserable job around the water cooler or starting a “bitch and moan club” at the office might offer moments of camaraderie, but it doesn’t nurture meaning— for oneself or for others. The idea that work is neither fun nor fulfilling takes a huge toll on our ability to bring meaning to our work. When we habitually complain, we make meaninglessness a habit. Before long, we are so deeply invested in complaining that any opportunity to see the work experience as a rich part of our lives vanishes. Instead of taking the time to find meaning, we take the time to find and focus on meaninglessness. Such complaints trivialise our experiences— both at work and in our personal lives. When we complain, we disconnect. When we complain, we hold whatever or whoever we’re complaining about as a shield. We therefore perpetuate victimisation and helplessness.

What is a serial complainer to do? The first task is to become aware of when and why we are complaining. The second task is to stop complaining! This doesn’t mean we won’t complain once in a while; it means that we become aware of when we are complaining and that we are choosing to complain, choosing to be negative. This does not mean that we deny our burdens, our grief, and our worries and sign on to a Pollyannaish, blindly optimistic perspective of the world. Viktor Frankl certainly had the opportunity to complain. He could have chosen to be negative. However, he excavated the darkest despair and discovered meaning in his circumstances. He didn’t have to create the meaning— it was there waiting to be found. He knew well the meaning of unavoidable suffering through his experience in the Nazi concentration camps. He knew the darkest human behaviour and, at the same time, the brightest light of human possibility. Frankl carried the awareness of both potentialities, which deepened his humanity and created in him a deep and abiding faith. He saw people rise out of the most depraved circumstances and offer all they had to others. Viktor Frankl saw the manifestation of spirit on a daily basis.

When we habitually complain, we make meaninglessness a habit

When we recognise that we always have the ultimate freedom to choose our attitude, we are free to choose whether it will be negative or positive. By releasing our negative attitude, we release energy that can then be used to connect more meaningfully with others. When we authentically connect more deeply with others, we create a new community of support and possibility. When we make this kind of authentic connection, we can’t avoid meaning. It’s waiting for us around every water cooler, in every elevator, cubbyhole, taxicab, conference room, and corporate boardroom. When we open ourselves to meaning, when we stop to appreciate ourselves and others in meaningful ways, we immediately enhance the quality of our own lives as well as the lives of those around us.

Ten Positive Things Exercise

One of the simplest yet most powerful tools we use to reinforce and apply the “Exercise the Freedom to Choose Your Attitude” principle is our “Ten Positive Things Exercise.” To begin, think of a situation in your personal life or at work that is particularly stressful, negative, or challenging for you. Now write ten positive things that resulted from or could result from this situation. Write down any thoughts that come to mind, without filtering them for realism or social acceptance. Try to list as many positives as you can, going beyond ten if possible. Feel free to determine or define what “positive” means to you. After you have completed your list, review it and let the positives become possibilities in your mind. This requires letting go of your current blocked or old ways of thinking, moving beyond disappointment or frustration, and perhaps even abandoning anger. This exercise can open you to a higher level of optimism, no matter how challenging your personal circumstance.

The “Ten Positive Things Exercise” can be applied to many situations. Imagine doing this exercise with this instruction: List ten positive things that would happen if you died today. Most people are not used to discussing, contemplating, and exploring the positives associated with someone’s death, let alone their own! Having done this exercise with many groups, we can assure you that once people get over the initial shock and resistance, they relax and actually have a great deal of fun looking for the positives in what is perhaps the most catastrophic situation imaginable. Many people start to see a silver lining or hopeful side in something even as terrible as their own deaths. On one occasion, we had a participant state as a positive: “My wife can finally marry the person she always wanted to marry!”

If we can find something positive to say about our own death, it should be easier to find something positive about our work situation, family life, and so forth. Use this exercise to help you find the positives in such varying and challenging circumstances as losing your job, being in a car accident, and others.

Try these:

• List ten positive things that would happen if you lost your job today.
• List ten positive things that would happen if your department at work was eliminated.
• List ten positive things that would happen from a breakdown in the production line at work.
• List ten positive things that would happen with an across-the-board 20 percent budget cut at work.
• List ten positive things that would happen if you were in a car accident.
• List ten positive things that would happen if your credit card was lost.
• List ten positive things that would happen if your romantic relationship ended today.
• List ten positive things that would happen if you gained weight.

Each of these situations can be viewed from many different perspectives. No matter how desperate the situation or condition may be, we can always find something positive upon which to focus our attention. When we view the situation in a different light, new ideas, solutions, and opportunities are more likely to come to the surface. Our experience with conducting this exercise in group settings has shown that the positive energy among participants increases dramatically as they learn new things about themselves, each other, and the specific situation they are facing. Everyone learns to release themselves from their self-imposed thought prisons and, as a result, recognises that ultimately we are all free to choose our attitude, no matter what the circumstance.

Many people start to see a silver lining or hopeful side in something even as terrible as their own deaths

Exercise in Action

We have effectively used the “Ten Positive Things Exercise” in many different settings, in a wide variety of life and work situations. Here are two examples of the exercise in action.

Father and daughter

The first example involves a client-training session we were conducting in Alaska with the U.S. Forest Service. At the end of the first day of a two-day session, we overheard comments from one of the more reluctant participants, Paul; he was not interested in the training and didn’t feel that it was relevant to him. The “Ten Positive Things Exercise” had been introduced and practised that afternoon, and Paul obviously was not impressed.

The next morning when we returned to the training venue, we noticed Paul sitting beside two other participants, laughing. When we asked him what had happened, he reported that when he went home the evening after our session, he was shocked to learn that his teenage daughter had received a tongue piercing and was now sporting a new piece of jewellery in her mouth. Angry and upset, Paul argued with his daughter and wife; in short, he had a terrible night with his family. When he returned to the training session, looking tired and depressed, he confessed to his two co-workers what had happened. Immediately, they asked him to list ten positive things that might result from his daughter’s action of piercing her tongue. Working together, he and his co-workers identified many potential positives to be gained from Paul’s stressful experience (for example, his daughter was alive, she wasn’t pregnant, she wasn’t in jail, she had shared this event with him, and so on). By looking at these optimistic realities, Paul fostered an entirely new and positive attitude toward his daughter and even our training session! Doing this exercise put this situation in perspective for Paul and helped him to see that things could have been worse for his teenage daughter. He soon changed his attitude about the piercing.

Free even in the prison

The second example involves a unique twist. I (Alex) had been asked to conduct a workshop on the principles outlined in Prisoners of Our Thoughts for inmates at a state penitentiary. The idea of discussing ways to escape one’s inner mental prison with actual inmates, some of whom had been sentenced to serve years in prison, was an unusual and challenging opportunity. “Okay, everyone, I would like you to list 10 positive things about being in prison,” I told the group of about two dozen inmates, who looked at me like I was crazy. In a room designated primarily for education and training purposes, the inmates sat at tables arranged in a circle. Each participant had been given a pad of paper and a small pencil (confiscated at the end of the session for security reasons). They began writing. Some inmates grumbled and others laughed at what they had been asked to do, but all of them participated in the exercise in one way or another. As expected, some participants were unable to find anything positive in their incarceration, at least not until they heard what their fellow inmates had to say. Some inmates were very serious in the way they framed their responses to this exercise, while others let their imaginations soar with a sense of humour that might have seemed out of place under such circumstances. Here are some examples across the spectrum of what they shared:

• “Society is now protected from me since I’m locked up.”
• “I now know what I don’t want to do with (the rest of) my life.”
• “I can be a role model for others so that they don’t do what I did.”
• “I’m no longer homeless.”
• “I’ve learned who my real friends are and who aren’t.”
• “I’ve been reborn and now value life and freedom like never before.”
• “I get to work out a lot.”

Of course, these reflections comprise only a snapshot of what the participants shared. The exercise lifted the heavy weight of the energy in the room and tapped into the human spirit. The participants no longer had to think and act only as prison inmates, so each person could experience, even with a sense of humour, the sharing of his authentic thoughts and feelings with the others. The experience enabled them to explore what some might call the silver lining in their current predicament. By being challenged not to be prisoners of their thoughts, each participant had the chance to exercise the freedom to choose his attitude despite the circumstance of being incarcerated in an actual prison.

This article has been adapted from Prisoners of Our Thoughts (Third Edition, Revised and Expanded) by Alex Pattakos and Elaine Dundon; Published by Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. Used with permission from the authors.
Buy this book.

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Chances are that your first column is filled with some of your most important relationships—people you spend most of your time with—spouse, children, parents, other family members, relatives, friends, colleagues, subordinates, boss, business partner…perhaps even God!

Whose job is it?

You might notice how we tend to blame others for feeling bad. But it’s not without good reason. All throughout life, we have been conditioned to look outside of ourselves for self-esteem. No wonder, when someone treats us shabbily, we feel awful. No one ever told us that, to feel loved, the first step is to love ourselves. Or, that respect received from others is meaningless—all that really matters is whether we have respect for self. Byron Katie puts it succinctly: “It’s not your job to like me; it’s mine”.

Understanding this simple truth can help you develop a perspective that will strengthen every single relationship in your life. You will be without the need to please others in order to feel loved. Because, no one else can make you feel loved, respected or valued—only you can do that. Others are simply a reflection of your own inner world. If you seek love, respect and approval outside, it means you’re unable to find these inside yourself.

The most important relationship

Each of us is born with an infinite source of love and joy inside us. When we tap into it, we feel loved, valued and respected 24/7. And once you find love inside you, you will find love everywhere and in everyone—even when others don’t behave in loving ways. Moreover, you won’t care if others don’t believe you deserve love or respect.

This brings me to the essence: The most important relationship you have is with yourself. Indeed, it’s the only one that really matters. Once you meet yourself truly, beyond the layers of your personality, you will realise that you have met the love of your life. And this is the one love affair is guaranteed to last forever.

No one needs to be different for you to be happy. You can be happy right now. Just stop blaming others and take complete responsibility for how you feel. That’s what true freedom means. And that’s where true love blooms. In your own heart.

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While there’s plenty to like about this lifestyle, there are some bits that can be challenging. Let’s look at the good and the bad of working from home.

The Hassles

Interferences

Just as you fire up the laptop and jot down your to-dos, there’s someone at the door for the nth time, the domestic help has yet another question for you, your neighbour drops in for some tea and chitchat, the dog needs to be walked, a friend calls up with a request… Every time you try to get a chunk of work done, there are a dozen things vying for your attention.

You may go hoarse telling the world that you work from home and requesting them to kindly leave you alone for a while, but to everyone, even your most well-meaning friends, you’re just at home… And work? It can be done anytime.

Temptations

When your home is also your workplace, there are many temptations that can—and do—nibble into your work time. Without a firewall to block your online cruising, there’s no limit to the time you can fritter away checking your social media updates. Plus, you don’t have a boss hovering around to check how you spend your work day—so it’s easy to fall for the temptation to chat with your friend on Facebook, shop at the nearest mall, get a manicure at the salon, sort out the laundry, clean the kitchen, read a book… anything that seems more appealing than work.

Every time you try to get a chunk of work done, there are a dozen things vying for your attention

Snags

Just when you have a tight deadline to meet or an online conference call, the internet goes dead on you or your computer crashes. Or worse, there’s a power cut. A home-office professional’s life is punctuated [and punctured] with such challenges, especially when there’s a deadline/important work commitment nipping at your heels.

Responsibilities

If you have a small child at home, your parental responsibilities stay with you throughout your work hours too. There’s no way you can continue working when there’s a howling toddler banging at your door, begging to be cuddled. Not to forget, the constant reminders and instructions you have to give the babysitter.

Self-discipline

There’s a general impression among people that those who work-at-home professionals have it easy. On the contrary it requires a lot more hard work and self-discipline to make it work from home. For self-employed professionals, new projects don’t always land on the plate—they have to work harder, and keep looking for opportunities.

There’s no way you can continue working when there’s a howling toddler banging at your door, begging to be cuddled

The joys

If, by now, you’ve begun to think that working-from-home is overrated and that you’re ready to dump this option, hold on. While it isn’t for the fainthearted, there’s a bucket load of goodness in working from home.

Freedom

This is most definitely the biggest plus of working from home. The freedom that you enjoy is worth all the challenges that this option brings with it. For instance, you can do up your work desk as you like, play your favourite music if you want and do pretty much what you want, while you work. You can decide your schedule and pace of work as per your disposition and preferences. Some people are most productive in the early mornings, and some others prefer working at night. Some like to work quick, others like it slow and steady. If you work from home, you can choose whatever pace or schedule suits you. Working mothers can adjust their work hours as per their child’s school timings.

Comfort

Do you like staying in your pajamas and slippers? Why not! You have the luxury to wear whatever feels comfortable, at least most of the time. Formal attire is not a necessity, unless you do video conferencing with your clients and need to appear well-groomed. You can also sit where and how you want… even on floor if you prefer. Nothing and no one can come in the way of your comfort.

Food

Working from home affords you the privilege of fresh, hot and healthy home-made food that is always more satisfying than eating in a cafeteria; it’s also more economical.

You have the luxury to wear whatever feels comfortable, at least most of the time

Time and energy

Commuting to and from work, especially in cities, is cumbersome, unproductive  and often stressful, what with ever greater traffic jams and the rising pollution. Plus, there’s the weather that often plays truant, especially when it pours. Working from home spares you the daily commute and saves you time, money and energy, besides protecting you from the accompanying stress and those noxious fumes on the road. You can put the saved time and energy to better use by working on an additional project, spending more time with your family, pursuing a hobby, and exercising.

On the move

As a military spouse, I follow my husband to far-flung corners of the country where, had it not been for my work-at-home career, I’d not have been able to work at all. If travel is a part of your lifestyle, then working from home fits right in because you can take your work with you, no matter where you move.

Armed with a realistic picture of the pros and cons of a work-from-home life, you can decide whether this lifestyle will work for you, and what you need to plan for and work around when you do set up that home office.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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The desire is there—I can feel it… a tremendous desire to be a mother. Nothing is wrong with that, but you should become a mother knowingly. You are taking one of the greatest responsibilities that a human being can take. Men are a little freer in that way—because they cannot take the responsibility of becoming a mother. Women have more responsibility. So become a mother, but don’t take it for granted that just by being a woman, one is necessarily a mother—that is a fallacy. Motherhood is a great art; you have to learn it. So start learning about it!

A few things I’d like to say to you about motherhood.

The first thing… Never treat the child as yours

Never treat the child as yours; never possess the child. It comes through you, but it is not yours. God has only used you as a vehicle, a medium—but the child is not your possession. Love, but never possess the child. If the mother starts possessing the child, then the child’s life is destroyed—he starts becoming a prisoner. You are destroying his personality, and you are reducing him to a thing. Only a thing can be possessed: a house can be possessed, a car can be possessed, but never a person. So this is the first lesson—get ready for it. Before the child comes, you should be able to greet him as an independent being, as a person in his own right, not just your child.

The second thing… Treat a child with deep respect

Treat the child as you would treat a grown-up. Never treat a child like a child. Treat him with deep respect. God has chosen you to be a host. God has entered into your being as a guest. The child is very fragile, helpless. It is very difficult to respect the child. It is very easy to humiliate the child. Humiliation comes very easy—because the child is helpless and cannot do anything, cannot retaliate, cannot react.

Treat the child as a grown-up, and with great respect. Once you respect the child, you don’t try to impose your ideas on him. You don’t try to impose anything on the child. You simply give him the freedom—freedom to explore the world. You help him to become more and more powerful in exploring the world—but you never give him directions. You give him energy, you give him protection, you give him security, all that he needs—but you help him to go farther away from you to explore the world.

And, of course, in freedom the wrong is also included. It is very difficult for a mother to learn that when you give freedom to a child, it is not freedom only to do good. It is also necessarily the freedom to do bad, to do wrong. So make the child alert, intelligent, but never give him any commandments. So if you really love the child, the one thing has to be remembered: never, never help him in any way, force him in any way, to become a hypocrite.

And the third thing… listen to nature

Don’t listen to the morality, don’t listen to religion, don’t listen to culture—listen to nature. Whatsoever is natural is good—even if sometimes it is very difficult for you, very uncomfortable for you. Because you have been not brought up according to nature. Your parents were not bringing you up with real art, love. It was just an accidental thing. Don’t repeat the same mistakes. Many times you will feel very uneasy…

For example, a small child starts playing with his sexual organs. The natural tendency of the mother is to stop the child because she has been taught that this is wrong. Even if she feels that nothing is wrong, if somebody is there she feels a little embarrassed. Feel embarrassed!

That is your problem; that has nothing to do with the child. Even if you lose respectability in society, lose—but never interfere with the child. Let nature take its own course. You are there to facilitate whatsoever nature is unfolding—you are not to direct nature. You are just to be there as a help.

Start meditating during pregnancy

And start meditating. Before the child is born, you should go as deeply as possible in meditation. When the child is within your womb, whatsoever you are doing continuously goes as a vibration to the child. If you are angry, your stomach has a tension of anger. The child immediately feels it. When you are sad, your stomach has an atmosphere of sadness. Immediately the child feels dull, depressed. The child totally depends on you—whatsoever is your mood is the mood of the child.

The child has no independence right now: your climate is his climate. So no more fighting, no more anger. That’s why I say that to be a mother is a great responsibility. You will have to sacrifice much.

Now during the nine months, you have to be very, very alert. The child is more important than anything else. If somebody insults you, accept it, but don’t get angry. Say, “I am pregnant, and the child is more important than getting angry at you. This episode will pass and after a few days I will not remember who has insulted me and what I have done. But the child is going to be there at least 70 – 80 years in the world. It is a big project.”

If you want, note it down in the diary. When the child is born, then you can be angry—but not right now. Just say, “I am a pregnant mother. I cannot be angry—that is not allowed.” This is what I call sensitive understanding. No more sadness, no more anger, no more hatred, no more fighting… Both parents have to look to the child. When a child is there, you are both secondary; the child has every preference. Because a new life is going to be born, and it is going to be your fruit. If from the very beginning anger, hatred, conflict, enters into the child’s mind, then you are creating hell for him. He will suffer. Then it is better not to bring a child into the world. Why bring a child into suffering?

In the first place, bringing a child into this world is a very risky affair. But even if you want that, at least bring a child who will be totally different in this world—who will not be miserable, who will at least help the world to be a little more celebrating. He will bring a little more festivity into the world… a little more laughter, love, life.

So for these days, be celebrating. Dance, sing, listen to music, meditate, love. Be very soft. Don’t do anything hectic, in a hurry. Don’t do anything in tension. Just go slowly. Slow down absolutely. A great guest is to come—you have to receive him.

Excerpted from The Book of Woman/Courtesy Osho International Foundation

This was first published in the September 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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He decided to meet the fakir and invite him to live with him in the palace. When the fakir accepted the king’s invitation readily, it surprised the king a little as he was expecting that the ascetic will have to be persuaded to live and enjoy the opulent life. Nevertheless, the king took the fakir along with him and made lavish arrangements for his stay.

Was the King Hoodwinked?

At the palace, the ascetic settled down quickly and started enjoying all the royal luxuries —imperial clothes, rich food and all the aristocratic comforts that were provided to him. At first the king ignored this sudden change in the hermit’s stance. But soon he started suspecting that perhaps he had being hoodwinked by all that show of austerity and that his holy guest was just another ordinary human. But he kept his thoughts to himself and continued to observe the fakir.

Six months on, the fakir was still enjoying his stay and didn’t seem to mind this majestic life one bit. By now the king had become convinced that the fakir had only been pretending in the forest. He decided to confront him.

On meeting the fakir, the king said, “When I first met you, I was impressed by your austere lifestyle and minimum needs. Your life was an example of renunciation. But what I now see is totally the opposite. You seem to be enjoying every material pleasure there is. So what is the difference between you and me?”

The fakir smiled and said, “I was waiting for you to ask me this question but I will answer you tomorrow morning.” The next morning the fakir appeared before the king wearing his old tattered clothes.

The Fakir Leaves

The fakir said, “I am leaving for an unknown destination. If you really want the answer, you will have to leave your palace, your family, your kingdom and accompany me.” The king was stunned. He said, “You know, I can’t do that!”

The fakir smiled and replied, “Yes, I know. And that is the difference between you and me. I can leave all pleasures and comforts whenever I want because I am not attached to them. You are. I hope you have your answer now.”

It dawned on the king that the fakir was indeed great. He pleaded him to stay on but the fakir had made up his mind. As he was leaving, he said to the king, “Remember, what you hold on to, holds you. And since I hold on to nothing, I have nothing to renounce. I am forever free.”

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Freedom from the past

The first, freedom from, is a reaction. It is past-oriented; you are fighting against the past, you want to get rid of it, you are obsessed with it. Psychoanalysis tries to give you this freedom, freedom from—from the past traumas, childhood wounds. Primal therapy is based basically on the past. You have to go backwards to free yourself from the past, you have to reach to the first primal scream, then you will be free. So, freedom means—for primal therapy, for psychoanalysis and for other therapies—that the past has to be dropped. You have to fight with it, you have to somehow manage to disentangle yourself from the past; then you will be free.

As far as this freedom is concerned, Karl Marx and Sigmund Freud are not opposed to each other; they both agree. Karl Marx says one has to become free from the past, all past social structures, economic structures. His approach is political, Freud’s approach is psychological, but both are rooted in the idea of ‘freedom from’.

All political reforms are reactions—and when you react, you are never free. This has to be understood. It only gives you an appearance of freedom, but it is never true freedom. Out of reaction, total freedom is not possible. Out of reaction, true freedom is not possible. And only total freedom is true freedom.

Becoming the enemy

You can go against the past, but just in being against it, you are caught by it from the back door. That’s why it has happened again and again that with whomsoever you are fighting, you become like him. Choose your enemies very carefully, because you will be determined by them! Fighting with them, you will have to learn their strategies, obviously. You will have to learn their tactics, you will have to learn their ways. Slowly, slowly enemies become very alike—more alike than friends.

It happened in Soviet Russia…. When the revolution came and the communists changed the whole social structure, the czar was killed, and a strange phenomenon came into existence. The people who had killed the czar turned out to be greater czars than the czars themselves. Persons change but the structures remain the same, because the idea of freedom from is basically wrong.

Freedom for the future

The second idea is freedom for; it is future-oriented. The first is political, the second is more poetic, visionary, utopian. Many people have tried that too, but that too is not possible. Because future-oriented, you can’t live in the present—and you have to live in the present. You don’t live in the past, you don’t live in the future, you have to live in the present.

Visionaries only imagine. Beautiful utopias they have imagined, but those utopias never become reality, cannot become reality.

If you react to the past, you are determined by the past. If you forget the past and look at the future, you are still driven by the past, you just are not aware of it. Looking at the future you dream beautiful dreams, but they can’t change reality. The reality remains the same; dreams are very ineffective, impotent.

The first, freedom from, is a reaction. The second, freedom for, is revolution. The third, just freedom, is rebellion. It is present-oriented. The first is political, the second is poetic, the third is mystic, religious.

Just freedom

What do I mean when I say, “just freedom”? Neither for nor against, no past, no future, just being herenow, just living moment-to-moment with no ideology, with no utopia. The real sannyasin, the real mystic, is not against the past, is not for the future. He is so utterly absorbed by the present that he has no time, no energy, for the past and the future. This is how the rebel is born.

The rebel is the most beautiful phenomenon in the world. Buddha is a rebel, so is Jesus; Atisha is a rebel, so is Kabir. These are rebels. You will misunderstand them if you think of them as if they were revolutionaries; they were not. Neither were they reactionaries. Their orientation is totally different; their orientation is now, here. They don’t live for any ideal, and they don’t live against any ideal. They don’t have any ideas; no ideology exists in the consciousness.

The sheer purity of this moment… they live it, they enjoy it, they sing it, they dance it. And when the next moment comes, they live the next moment with the same joy, with the same cheerfulness. They move moment-to-moment, they don’t plan ahead.

That’s why in the East, where mystics have been a great force, nothing like communism has happened. The idea is Western, the idea cannot be conceived to have happened in the Eastern consciousness. And nothing like future utopias has happened either.

But something totally different has happened: a Buddha, an Atisha—individuals living moment-to-moment in such sheer joy that their joy is contagious. Whosoever comes in contact with them is overwhelmed, starts looking at reality with new eyes. They give you a new insight into the herenow. This is ‘just freedom.’ Meditate over it.

The magic of this moment

There is no need for any psychology either, and that’s why psychology has not happened in the East. There is no need to go into past traumas, and in fact, even if you go into past traumas you are never free of them. Maybe you become more accepting, more understanding, but you are never free of them.

The East has not created anything like communism, and it has not created anything like psychoanalysis, for a certain reason. The reason is that the mystic is not trying to be free from the past, the mystic is not trying to be free for something in the future. The mystic’s effort for freedom, what he calls moksha, total freedom, has nothing to do with that which is no more, and has nothing to do with that which is not yet. His whole concern is this moment, this small crystal-clear moment. And to be in this moment is to be in meditation.

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