Spirituality means changing your perception

The first step of any spiritual path is the acknowledgement that we don’t need to change our circumstances as much as we need to transform ourselves. We realise that working on the inside is a better investment than working on the outside. This is a radical shift in perception.

Most people look for the cause of problems in the external world. They believe that if things, events and people were different, they would be fine. When we awake spiritually, we know better. Spirituality teaches us to take a step back; we develop the reflex to look inside first.

Practising spirituality is completely different from any other type of practice. It is not about acting enlightened, or about doing something “saintly”. The aim of any spiritual practice is to transform human beings, to bring them to a new way of being. An enlightened life can flow from that, but it isn’t forced. It emerges naturally from the wisdom within. Spirituality is not about doing, it’s about being.

Spirituality involves non-reaction

Take a minute and look inside yourself; you’ll notice a lot of reactions taking place. As soon as some thought or sensation arises, a reaction takes place. You might feel desire, aversion or even neutrality. Everything is judged, and this pushes us to act. Spirituality teaches us to introduce a dimension of space in this reactive process. We do this by being aware, by looking at what’s going on inside. If we’re aware of the reactions, we’re not caught in them. This is the key to inner freedom.

Spirituality is completely inclusive. It doesn’t see things as “good” or “bad”. It goes beyond that, and sees the true nature of phenomena. Practising spirituality allows us to think and act from a clear point of view. Instead of being predictable and reactive, we act in accordance with our deeper wisdom. We stop being determined by circumstances.

Practical effects of spirituality in different spheres of life

Family

In family life, spirituality helps us to let go of our expectations and see our family as it is, not as we would like it to be. By introducing openness into our family, we help everyone, including ourselves, to grow as unique and authentic human beings. By giving our full acceptance and compassion to our family members, we provide them with a baseline of self-confidence and trust that most people are sadly deprived of.

Business and work

In our business and work, spirituality tells us to trust our inner intuition, and this opens our mind to new and exciting opportunities. We stop looking for excuses when we fail. We quickly learn and accept the lessons bad results have to teach us. We develop a genuine relationship with our partners and associates. Our whole work environment is enriched by our presence, which translates into better performance.

Money

In personal finance, spirituality teaches us to operate from an abundance mentality, not a scarcity one. Instead of being anxious about our financial situation, we feel grateful for what we already have. We enjoy a healthy relationship with money and, instead of seeing it as risky, we see the immense opportunities it provides us. If money is lacking, instead of being paralysed by fear, we take lucid actions from a place of clarity. This positive mindset empowers us, and helps us enjoy a wealthier and freer life.

Education

In education, spirituality teaches us to be autonomous and to work on ourselves. Knowing ourselves well, we’re aware of our weaknesses and strengths, and can use this knowledge to our advantage. We don’t hesitate to benefit from every learning opportunity, and develop strong confidence in our ability to succeed. We know we can grow. Our minds are less concerned with trivial stuff; we let go of anxiety and let our profound creativity shine through.

Relationships

In relationships, spirituality helps us to open, to go beyond our insecurities and to consider others as valuable and unique human beings. By leaving our expectations behind, true, open and authentic relationships can develop. We operate from the heart rather than from the mind. The heart doesn’t try to control anything; it understands and accepts beings as they are. It doesn’t see the weaknesses and strengths of others as a problem. It sees them as fundamental richness.

Spirituality offers us the most empowering mindset there can be: change is possible and accessible to everyone. When we practise spirituality, we take responsibility for our actions and work towards a better version of ourselves. Circumstances can’t be used as an excuse; our destiny is determined by who we are and what we do. We are here to grow, and everything can be used as an opportunity for growth.

Spirituality is your most precious friend. It aligns perfectly with daily life and empowers you from the inside. When you practise spirituality, problems are often solved before they even start; where others see blocks, you see opportunities. You see right through situations.

This article first appeared in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Prior to working on this article, my mind too was filled with stereotypical images of senior citizens. I slotted them into pre-conceived roles. It took talking to a handful of them to make me realise how varied their histories and experiences were, and yet how alike.

Growing old together

Mr. and Mrs. Sharma

Mr. and Mrs. Sharma with their same peppered hair and smile are my wonderful neighbours. Mrs. Sharma is often seen meeting friends while Mr. Sharma would be going about his disciplined day, but always with his wife around. So it was but fitting to have them sitting side-by-side as I interviewed them.

Mrs. Sharma moved to Delhi from Punjab in 1972 and instantly longed for the open spaces and huge families she had left behind. I could sense a contrast in their personalities. But their views converged the moment I mentioned the youth of today. They both admitted they do not accept changing their values that easily. They felt that materialism was driving people towards a culture with compromised homes. Mrs. Sharma laughingly regretted how telephone conversations are now considered as good as face-to-face meetings. And then I asked her if she had ever worked or wanted to work.

She told me that despite her qualifications she agreed with her husband’s theory—that of men and women managing separate domains. Mr. Sharma stepped in, “I don’t interfere and give her full freedom in her domain.” She laughed out loud and added, “My husband’s support to me has been 100 per cent. We do argue, but if it’s my fault I accept it and this makes me happy. This surrendering, this thinking alike”. Perhaps, that is how they manage so beautifully together.

What keeps them happy? Mrs. Sharma turns to religion and doing charity, for peace. Her husband believes in disciplined seva-sadhna [service-discipline], but only [and he emphasised this] for his own inner satisfaction. “The key to happiness is discipline; it is what won me a gallantry award. Control over the self in this life is mukti [liberation]. Why think of life after death?” But his wife ends the interview with an aside to me: “I am fairly undisciplined, and I quite enjoy myself.”

This time I joined in the laughter.

Acceptance

Asha Kohli

Asha Kohli walked into her drawing room with complete confidence. She started teaching Literature in a reputed college in New Delhi in 1967, which incidentally was also the year she got married. Her profession has made her used to younger girls seeking answers to their questions; nonetheless here I was, in a tête-à-tête with this recently retired Associate Professor.

“I broke all convention in how I taught my students. I went beyond teaching to help shape my girls’ lives in other ways. That is where real satisfaction came from,” she said as we talked about her career. I felt a ‘but’ coming as the wise voice spoke… “But there needs to exist a balance between the radical and the conventional in life. Everything has two sides—good and bad. I don’t think one is better than the other. I do think that giving people their space is important, for if you don’t give it, it will be taken away anyway” she laughed.

“The key to wellbeing, for me, is acceptance. Fight against what is wrong, but accept that with changing times the dynamics of human relationships will undergo a change too. Literature exposed me to so many possibilities of human behaviour that I was never shocked if a certain relationship took a turn for the worse. I was prepared in a way, for I knew that it could happen!”

“Is it that easy for an older generation to accept the newness of behaviour and values?” I wanted to know. She confessed, “Well, the mannerisms to do with paying respect, for instance, may have changed. But you learn to move on with it. As a teacher, I had to understand the new age minds in order to shape them. In that understanding came acceptance too.”

And then a most interesting observation—she told me how, as you grow older, the gender stereotypes attached to a ‘young girl’ start to shed and people begin to accept you as a person. With age comes better acceptance of your self, as a wiser mind. For as you age, you learn to articulate better and express better too.

I asked her to share a tip for senior citizens, she said, “Engage. Even if it is just going for a music concert. Engage with the world around. Why sit back and feel retired, and lonely?”

Indeed!

as you grow older, the gender stereotypes attached to a ‘young girl’ start to shed and people begin to accept you as a person

The importance of family

Murari Lal

Murari Lal is a dhobi who has been ironing my family’s clothes for many years. Our interaction is usually confined to the count of clothes, change, credit and wishes on festivals. So when I approached him with an interview request, in his classic way of keeping his eyes averted and smiling, he acquiesced with an uncertain “Bilkul, saabji” [Yes, sir] He insists on calling me saabji though I am a woman.

In 1947, Murari Lal left his home in Pakistan and came to Delhi by train. “We just had to run for our life, that’s all I remember from my childhood,” he said. His grandfather worked as a labourer at the railway station while he earned as a gate-guard at Kumar Talkies in Chandni Chowk. They left death behind, but the dearth of comfort in Delhi continued until 1971, when he got a job in the Government of India Press as a mono-mechanic.

“My favourite memory is when my boss Arun Misra from Kumar Talkies took me to the hospital when I was ill. Himself, saabji! Down the years bosses kept getting more and more… impersonal. Times change,” he sighed. I agreed—times do change. “Once, we followed our elders without question. But now, we have to heed the advice of even our tiny grandchildren.” He looked at one of his granddaughters and mused…“I will never forget 1969. That is the year my joint family separated, it was worse than 1947 for me.”

“But you have a lovely joint family still—three sons and six grandchildren, surely that keeps you happy?” I asked. “Happy? It keeps me more than happy. Do you know what old people need for good health? Family. That is why I regret 1969. That laughter when my dada-dadi [grandparents] were around has never been heard again. I try to maintain that oneness. So what if my family is now too big for me to afford a pilgrimage to Shirdi? Though it is my dream, I will never go on a  vacation without my children!” Then he just said in the most relaxed tone he was capable of with me sitting on his charpoy— “I just tell my children never ask me what our caste is. Eat, work, drink, live. The rest doesn’t matter!”

He had said it all.

Determination

Manjeet Kaur Bhullar

85-year-old Manjeet Kaur Bhullar among other things, holds me in awe of her prowess in Mathematics. She was 19 when she moved to Delhi and was one among only three girls who applied for a degree in Mathematics in Hindu College. “My parents said no to my dream of becoming a doctor. ‘Who will marry you then?’ they had argued. I didn’t mind and took up Mathematics, my second choice. However, the aim remained the same—to exceed no matter what I did. And excel I did!” After a proud smile she went on, “The determination to excel is something that comes from within. It cannot be given to you by your parents.” Silently, I stopped blaming mine.

Jobs were never a problem. Getting married while doing her MA was, for now her education suffered. In her evening classes she was the only girl among 80 boys who would push their way onto the seats. “During that period I was juggling too much. Work, home and studies. I did clear my MA finally. When I heard my husband telling someone I passed, I corrected him and said, ‘I did not just pass, my dear, I passed with a first division’.” This time my smile was wider than hers.

When I heard my husband telling someone I passed, I corrected him and said, ‘I did not just pass, my dear, I passed with a first division’

Her favourite role has been that of the Principal of a school. “I knew right from wrong and I stood by it. My honesty was notorious.”

“And then, I was managing as a single working parent to two children, all too suddenly”, said said, as she revealed her husband’s passing away. Her friends took care of her even more than family then. “My attitude of a disciplinarian stood me in good stead. I emphasised the importance of academics to my children. Plus, I had always been more strong-headed than my husband, so I had developed a sense of confidence much before he left me,” she said.

As a senior citizen, she says it is important to interact and be with family, but it is equally essential to have your own space and time.

From my dhobi to a DU professor, a middle-class couple to a single parent, each individual is striving to fill up their ‘senior citizen’ life with meaning—to keep their personas ever-evolving, to redefine what ‘retired’ means and to develop even as they grow old. And I am grateful to them for sharing life’s little lessons that they picked up along the way, for all to partake of.

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Watch it. It’s a wonderful and moving talk; the experiences she shares are remarkable. Becki shares many stories which, with her style of narrating, is a joy to watch.

At 1:01, she discusses issues faced by family members of a terminally ill or dying patient. Not every member of the family can be there by the bedside, she says. Some people are just not able to get themselves to be there. Either the needles and tubes make them nervous or just the fact that it’s time to say good-bye.

Becki suggests that in such situations families should not point fingers and send the other person on a guilt-trip saying, “You were not there when s/he wanted to see you.” She adds,”It’s not your job to see what the others are doing, it’s only your job to see what you are doing”. In such a case, instead of comparing and complaining, it is better to engage these people with other errands that need attending to, so that they too feel like they are contributing and it helps to share the load. See how they can contribute and put them to use. Don’t push them away.

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Preparing ourselves, our family members and our close friends for the arrival of the adopted child helps to create a positive and welcoming environment for the child to nurture in.

I am a firm believer that adoption is just another way of getting a baby into the family—just as some babies are conceived naturally and some by IVF; some are born through normal delivery and others through Caesarian section. What the baby will become depends entirely on the parenting that he or she receives after adoption. Hence, not only prospective adoptive parents, but also their extended family members and close friends need to be educated on what adoption entails.

Keep these in mind for a happy adoption

Are you planning to adopt a child? Here’s what you can do to make your process a smooth and enjoyable one:

1. Prospective adoptive parents should go through extensive counselling and introspection and should gain awareness about all aspects of adoption. It is important that both parents should be on the same wavelength about their willingness to adopt, when they will adopt and where they will adopt their child from. You may have your doubts cleared from social workers as well as from those who have adopted children earlier. For adoption counselling you can register yourself here.
2. Once you are sure about going ahead, you should ponder over and decide who you need to inform and bring in the loop, on a “need-to-know” basis. Sparing a few exceptions, the grandparents always figure first in the list and your siblings should be included as far as possible. Most adoption agencies require an undertaking from a relative or a close friend who will commit to take care of the child if something were to happen to both adoptive parents. This person or couple should be consulted in depth at every stage so that their commitment is complete.
3. The method of informing relatives should be like a happy announcement—the same way you would inform if it was a pregnancy. If the couple appears confident and happy, the other family members also feel reassured and their doubts are reduced. Nevertheless you should be open to questions and doubts from others—particularly the prospective grandparents. Being of an older generation they may have conservative thinking and their apprehensions should be addressed in a patient manner.
4. If some relatives have lingering doubts about your decision, they must be reassured that you are perfectly confident and clear that you wish to go ahead, and that you would be very happy to have their blessings.

It is now a universally accepted fact that a child should be told that she is adopted right from the beginning, even before she is old enough to comprehend what adoption is. This way she grows up with the concept, the same way as she grows up knowing that she is a girl, an Indian, a vegetarian, etc. This ensures that there are no sudden shocks or questions in the child’s mind, and since adoption is mentioned freely, the child also accepts it as a way of life without getting any doubts that she is different or inferior.

It is now a universally accepted fact that a child should be told that she is adopted right from the beginning

Hence it’s also a good idea to request your close relatives to bring up the topic of adoption in earshot of the child, maybe showing their joy that they are so happy that she came into the family via adoption and how she is adding great joy to the entire family.

Common concerns

Here are some common concerns that well-meaning relatives may have regarding adoption and how you can address them:

Q. Will the couple be able to love a child who is not their own?

Answer: The child becomes ‘your own’ just after adoption. Many couples who have both biological and adopted children are unable to differentiate their love between them.

Q. What if the child develops some diseases or disabilities later in life, which may not be known at the time of adoption?

Answer: Any child, biological or adopted, has a possibility of any illness or developmental disability. If the same couple had a biological child, would they not go through such challenges?

Q. What if the mother was an immoral woman or a prostitute?

Answer: Children develop morals and other traits based on their upbringing. Genetics does not play any role in it.

Q. Will society look down upon the couple because they could not have children of their own?

Answer: Yes, there are always a few nasty people who may try to make the couple feel miserable with their remarks and actions, and may even gossip about them, but such people gossip about anything and everything, not just adoption. The only way to deal with such people is to ignore them.

Q. Will the child grow up and want to go away to her biological mother?

Answer: There has not been a single case in my 31 years of work in the field of adoption where such an event has occurred. All that the child may have is some amount of curiosity about his or her biological mother, but that will pass.

Q. Will the child become greedy and want to usurp her parents’ property as she is their only legal heir?

Answer: Single children will always be the only legal heir, adopted or biological. The greed depends on the upbringing and not on the fact of adoption. As the child grows up, the parents can create a will for distributing their assets (which should be done in any case). Besides, I recommend having more than one child.

A wonderful story of adoption

Here’s a case of a couple who decided to adopt a baby. Rita and Sunil [names changed] had given sufficient thought to adopting a baby, found out the procedures, underwent counselling in an adoption agency, and were ready to take the plunge. The only apprehension they had was the acceptance by Sunil’s mother, who was an extremely conservative lady, given to extensive rituals, very careful about who she would interact with, and a staunch believer in the caste system. They were absolutely sure that not only would she not accept a baby of unknown origin, but might also cause hurdles. Since she did not live with them, they decided to go ahead without telling her.

The great day arrived and the baby was brought home. Rita and Sunil were settling down with the child, and had planned to go the next weekend to his mother’s house, without the baby, and slowly break the news to her. They were in for a shock when the she barged into their house that very day, armed with a big bundle of baby goodies and a box of sweets. She just swooped the baby in her arms and told the young couple that she would look after the needs of the baby since they are inexperienced and she would teach them how to become good parents. So much for their fears!

A word of caution

If any member of the extended family does not show love and affection towards the child just because he or she is adopted, then the child in turn may also begin to dislike such “elders”. If you notice any relative making snide, sarcastic or derogatory remarks, you should insulate the child from such people, and explain to her that sometimes some elders do say nasty things without realising that they are hurting the other person.

All the above was with regard to relatives. I personally feel that close persons in the child’s life should also be included in the awareness and orientation process mentioned above. This could include domestic helpers, class teachers [if you are adopting an older child], close neighbours and definitely the child’s paediatrician. If the child is told about the fact that she is adopted right from the beginning, and if the child is made to understand that she is so lovable that her parents cherish the relationship, she will understand that adoption was only the means of her coming into the family, and that she belongs there. Such children can themselves face any negative comments or curiosity of not only elders, but even their friends or peers.

This was first published in the December 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Sexual abuse of children is rampant but rarely spoken about. Harish Iyer has used his personal experience to show us how we can protect our children.

Growing up in India, we are fed on a heavy dose of films that romanticise the great Indian family. So much so that one would start believing it is an ideal setting to grow up in. I was brought up in a joint family, with mothers more than one. Till the age of four I did not even know who my actual parents were, because I was the apple of everyone’s eye in the family.

My unseen abuse

So, with a family like that, I should have had one of the safest childhoods. But it was not so. I was raped when I was seven, by a relative, who lived outside my home. Ideally, someone should have noticed my unsaid trauma. But no one did. Instead, I was called a sissy who cried in a corner. I was lectured on how I should interact more and be more energetic—from people whom I called family. Not one of them could understand that I had a reason for going from being a rejoicing child to being a reticent one.

The sexual abuse was so severe that I would bleed. Yet, the fear of getting another painful scar made me swallow my words. I lived a dual life, one when I was being abused, and one when I was not. These were two parallel strains of my life, which I thought would never intersect.

When I finally gathered the courage and the voice to explicitly open up about my abuse to my parents and family members, I was already an adult, and had spent 11 years of my childhood suffering traumatic sexual abuse, years that I would never get back. I couldn’t help but ask myself, how and why didn’t my parents or immediate family notice my sudden behavioural change? Why didn’t they notice my face shrink whenever I was asked to stay at my [abusive] relative’s place?  Why was I made to respect someone for his age, when what he was doing to me was anything but respectable?

These questions were raging in my head and I was unable to find answers to them. It took me many years to park my past in the past and move ahead with my present like everyone else [who seemed to be presumably doing so].

Viewing my past as an outsider

After a series of challenges, I found a way to deal with my abuse and discover my own strength. Soon, my past became a story, a story of ‘that child’. I learnt the trick of dissociating the emotions of my past and telling the story of my life as just another story. Years of abuse had maimed my memory. It had created blind spots in my memory that would open up when I would speak passionately about my experience. I used to utter things without realising, and when I thought deeper about them, I realised that my subconscious mind had stored away instances of abuse that my conscious mind had forgotten. Slowly, speaking up and sharing my story became my own therapy as my past became clearer and clearer.

Every time I spoke about my abuse, I had more people opening up about similar horrors of their lives. So while speaking was therapy for me, I realised that my speaking up was therapeutic to others. It soon became apparent that familial abuse or incest was a common phenomenon; it had happened to almost everyone I knew. I came across several men who had been abused when they were young boys. What was more shocking was the fact that they had been abused by women. Most of these survivors considered what had happened to them as a ‘fantasy’. They didn’t even know that what they had been put through was actually abuse. These incidents had occurred to boys between the ages of seven to 10 and their innocent minds didn’t know what to make of the events.

What you can do to keep your child safe from sexual abuse

The horrors of familial abuse are many. But one could avert the danger of a lost childhood if parents and guardians followed a few simple steps to safeguard against familial abuse.

1. Respect the child’s actions. If the child refuses to visit, greet or speak to a relative, don’t force the child. Also, try to find out what the underlying cause of your child’s fright towards this individual is.
2. It’s your responsibility to teach your child that it’s not okay if any adult touches them on certain parts of their body.
3. Respect distance. India has the culture of kissing and hugging children. It is good to hug and lovely to kiss. But it is also important to ensure that your child is protected. If your child does not want a certain someone kissing or touching them, don’t force your child. Let your relatives know that your child is not a doll.
4. Teach your child to respect elders but not be fearful of them. Don’t force-feed the value of ‘respect’ to the extent that your child will not be in a position to tell you if adults behave inappropriately with them.
5. Believe your child. If your child tells you that he or she has been touched in a way that they do not like, even if it is by the most respected person in your family, believe your child. Children don’t lie about these things.
6. Don’t get paranoid after reading points one to five. It will not help your child in any way but will only complicate the issue further. Be aware, not paranoid. Let your child enjoy his [her] life. You just have to assure them that you will be beside them to help if needed.

Childhood is the most precious phase of one’s life. As parents, it is up to you to ensure that sexual abuse is not a challenge your child has to face.

This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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The breadwinner husband with a six-figured annual salary, and a smiling stay-at-home mother, who despite running after a toddler and the wailing baby strapped on her shoulders, is impeccably dressed, right from the floral frock she wears down to the gorgeous pearl set around her neck.

Now imagine what would happen if you flipped this so-called “traditional and typical” family image on its head, and ended up with a wife who is the primary [or even sole] breadwinner and a husband [not in a floral frock, hopefully!] who’s taking care of a baby while, say, cleaning the house or folding laundry.

A stay-at-home husband? Outrageous!

I’ve asked a lot of people about this hypothetical scenario. The general consensus has been that it sounds unrealistic, comical and perhaps even displays shades of a marriage that isn’t functionally accurate. At first, I was amused by the initial responses. However, as more and more people chimed in with similar responses, the amusement slowly changed to anger; perhaps just as you’re feeling right now. Sadly, this cuts a very sorry image of the society that we live in; one that, despite all their educated decisions and tolerances, refuses to acknowledge that there is a wave of role-reversal in process.

Over the years, I’ve been asked plenty of uncomfortable questions; some just plainly intrusive, some others seemingly harmless but bundled neatly in a tone that I can only describe as mocking. The query of “how it felt to be stay-at-home dad” was one of the latter. Initially, I was surprised and rather shocked. But, as it went on, I started to take it in my stride and would often respond with a sarcastic reply. The truth, though, is that I am not sure that there is a definition that can do it justice. I have to be honest and say that it isn’t something that I’d fantasised about as a young kid. So, it wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to be a homemaker while my wife went to work. It sort of just happened.

Gender roles are set in stone

Even as I took on the role of the primary caregiver, I knew it wouldn’t be an easy ride. What I had not imagined was how difficult being a stay-at-home dad could be, in a society such as ours. Perhaps it’s because we’re too deep-rooted in our misguided beliefs. Such as the one that says it is preferable to have a man as the primary or sole breadwinner, while the woman is pushed to stay within the confines of the house. Or maybe it is because there is a stereotype that a man’s sense of self-worth is somehow ingrained in his ability to provide for his family. And what about the woman’s sense of self-worth, I hear you ask? Well, she’s just treated as a second-class citizen, isn’t she?

There is even a marked difference in the way women are addressed. The men are given a fancy term such as stay-at-home dad, while the mothers are just labelled homemakers. Personally, I find it demeaning. But then again, we are largely a patriarchal society. However, I’ve come to realise a discerning fact. Despite all the talk about feminism and the need for women to be at-par with men in our society, we find it difficult to stand up to that ideology of true equality. Often, when I enter a room that is predominantly [if not entirely] filled with women, there is an air of confusion, distrust and eerie silence. While they don’t say anything that makes me uncomfortable, the expressions on their faces often betray their thoughts. And that is something that I’ve really struggled to come to terms with.

Still the odd dad out

But as the saying goes, “practice sort of makes it perfect”. So having been a stay-at-home dad for almost two years now, I am used to being the odd male in a sea of women. Truth be told, it does make me feel like the Hindu god Lord Krishna, frolicking amongst his Gopis. Except for the fact that the “Gopis” here are mostly mothers or nannies, this “Krishna” has a naughty toddler who insists on doing the very opposite of what he’s told; and the “frolicking” is often a conversation about either illness, foods that the kids eat, the school they go to or a combination of all of the above.

What I’ve realised is that the more we constantly harp on about gender equality, the more we seem to be open to the idea of women joining the male bandwagon. However, we are still miles away from men doing activities [or even professions] that were once stereotyped as being for women. So in essence, the transformation or movement is only in one direction. Perhaps, it is to do with how society views us. They say it is acceptable for women to be homemakers, or even all right for women to be one of the earning members of the family while continuing to be care-givers. But should a reversal of roles occur, all hell breaks loose.

All guts and little [or no] glory

During the initial period, I was shunned by stay-at-home moms, who understandably found it odd to have a male adult in their midst. Other dads isolated me too and would conveniently steer the conversation towards their jobs, politics or sports—three areas that are, once again, stereotypically “male territory”. Between being labelled as a weakling and hen-pecked for lacking a heavy dosage of testosterone, I’ve been called a lot of things on this journey of being a stay-at-home father.

However, the biggest lesson that I’ve learnt is that you need bucket-loads of guts, confidence and courage, to rebel against what society accepts as a norm. In fact, it takes a man who is wholly secure with himself to go against the grain and do something different in the name of equality.

Of course, you will have to first make peace with the stares of women at the playground and the men who socially ostracise you. Oh, and then there are the teachers who insist on talking only to your wife about your offspring’s development. In fact, during the first PTA at our son’s new school, the teacher distinctly told my wife that she was unsure how to talk to me.

“Just as you would talk to any parent!” was my reply, as I walked off.

This was first published in the November 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Not long after we fell in love, my husband had an accident and his body took nearly a year to heal. I had to take care of him while he recovered. That was the first of the many curveballs life threw at us. Then, we graduated college with no job prospects due to the economic recession. I worked three part-time jobs, while he fell into a terrible depression that lasted eight months. We moved cities and continents, four times within three years, with each move more stressful than the last. We fought with our families—often.

Then, I had a death on my side of the family, which uprooted us yet again to a different country—an impulsive decision that paid off in the long run. After the death of this family member, I suffered from depression for nearly a year, while my husband pulled it together and started his career. While everyone else around us was travelling, getting married and having children, we were just starting out. We worked and worked, we budgeted and stayed home and, five years later, we were finally able to pay for our wedding—so at last we said “I do”.

Then I got pregnant and fell so sick for the entire nine months that I had to completely stop working. We had our child and the upheavals continued! As I reflect on the past decade, there have been so many ups and downs already that I wonder what the next 10 years will bring or even the next 60 years… Keeping our marriage alive through all of these external struggles has definitely been a test of commitment for me and my husband.

Making your own happy ending

The truth is that there is no such thing as ‘happily ever after’. Things like job security, money, family, death, anxiety, moving and health can all affect your marriage. To add to those, you will be going through moments of different personal interests and common everyday disagreements. Certain stressors can affect their behaviour and moods, and you never know how long these periods will last. So yes, sometimes it may be hard to be with your spouse.

I tend to look at marital problems as a way of life, telling me that a certain area requires my attention. If I am having a hard time with my spouse, I take it as an indicator that I need to work harder at my marriage by introspecting, ever so gently. Sometimes life shoves couples on a whirlwind, away from each other. And being married for life—it is YOUR job to find your way back to each other and reconnect.

Here’s what you can do:

Remember why you got together in the first place

Even in the hardest times, you must get back to the source; that is, the way you used to be in the good old days. Remember what qualities attracted you to your spouse, even if they are now shrouded. Remember why you fell in love with her and the beautiful things she used to do. Reminisce—together if you can.

Spend quality time

I once read somewhere that an average couple only spends seven minutes of quality time together per day. Work and looking after the kids can distract you from your bonding time. Take the opportunity to look for moments of your togetherness where you can improve your reconnection. This could even be as simple as sharing a meal together and asking your partner how their day was. Or, when you are going to bed, turn off all devices and just be there with them. Spending quality time is all about giving your undivided attention to your partner.

Physical touch

There is nothing like physical touch to unite a couple because, in tough situations, sometimes there are just no words to say. A quick kiss as you go out of the door, a hug before bed, or even just an old-fashioned handholding does wonders.

Date nights

Never stop making the effort to date and woo your partner. Set up a weekly date night like going for dinner and a movie on a certain day of the week and stick to it—don’t cancel, even if you have been arguing. Spending quality time together will reconnect you faster, and more frequently.

No ‘problem’ talk

Everyone will say that you should communicate with your spouse, but you shouldn’t overdo it. If you are having issues, briefly speak of them and then give it a rest, do not nag them about it. You should not pollute your quality time with talking about all your problems, all the time.

Take time for yourself

Sometimes the best way to take the pressure off your marriage is to spend time with yourself so that you could work on ‘you’. In a marriage, it is so easy to give-give-give to the other person that you unconsciously start to resent them. You also need to ask yourself what you are bringing to the table for yourself and take an inventory of your needs.

No marriage is immune to life’s strains. In a long term partnership, you have to be able to ride the waves in the good times and the bad. Then you can weather any storm that comes upon you.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Neurotic beliefs

As children we acquire our values, beliefs and attitudes from significant adults in our lives, especially from parents. And often parents sell these beliefs as a form of control, with the good intention of saving the child from some harm. Too often, however, the opposite happens. These faulty values and beliefs make us uptight, afraid of criticism and rejection, overanxious about approval and disapproval, prone to feelings of guilt, and obsessed with polar opposites such as ‘success’ and ‘failure’. If these beliefs are the guiding principles of our life, we will continue to feel like failures, no matter what Herculean efforts we take to pursue and apply them. Such mistaken beliefs can make just about anyone neurotic.

Some neurotic beliefs sold by families are:

• You should make sure that you please others and they like and approve of you.
• You should feel guilty if you do your own thing and it upsets others.
• You must be perfect at all times.
• You are inferior, if you make mistakes.
• If you are different, there must be something wrong with you.
• You must be loved and respected by everybody.
• People should be condemned for their misdeeds.

This need of approval from families is the main cause of turning absolutely normal people into neurotics

Two cases in point

Jayant was the only son of an authoritarian father and a submissive mother. He grew up hearing the mother constantly harp on how much she had to tolerate her husband’s idiosyncrasies. She said she was in the marriage only because of Jayant, who, she claimed, was her only hope. The young child grew up to be an adult plagued with guilt feelings and an excessive need to please the mother. After his marriage, Jayant was estranged from his wife because of his need to please his mother at all times. He felt he had to make up for the ‘sacrifices’ his mother had made for him. With his father, Jayant had a relationship of fear and hatred as his father was a monster, according to his mother. He felt helpless against his father, who held the purse strings. So, Jayant was always in an inner conflict, torn between his inner convictions and desires on the one hand, and on the other, the unreasonable guilt and anxiety arising from his actions that would displease his mother. A rising conflict level with his wife brought him to us for counselling.

In counselling, Jayant learned to acknowledge that the dysfunctions of his family led to the neurotic anxiety, unnecessary guilt and uncontrollable anger in him. He also understood the dynamics in his family and that he had a choice to consciously disengage from his past.

Sudhir’s father was a leading industrialist—a man who prided himself on being ‘self-made’. Sudhir himself was academically brilliant and would bring home medals and scholarships—only to be told by his father that his achievements were nothing, and that he need not feel so proud. Of course, Sudhir’s face would fall when his achievements, far from being acknowledged and praised, were seen as making him arrogant. Striving as hard as he may, his father’s responses never changed. Sudhir started feeling that he was never good enough for his father. All throughout, everyone in his school and college would shower him with praise, but his father would snub him and maintain a stoic expression, justifying his actions by saying he was teaching his son humility.

The last straw came one day when Sudhir took the family car for a party thrown in his honour. On his return, the father publicly caned him in the car park, saying that a few certificates did not give him the liberty to use the car, and that whatever he enjoyed today was due to the hard work of the father and not Sudhir’s own achievements. Smarting with humiliation, Sudhir slashed his wrist. On return from the hospital, he was condemned once more by his father—this time for bringing shame to the family name. Today, Sudhir, a genius-turned-neurotic, is under psychiatric care, whimpers like a child on seeing his father’s face, cannot hold on to a job, and is obsessed with becoming a millionaire to ‘show Papa’. He continues to express his need for the father’s approval, which he does not receive even today.

Need for approval

This need of approval from families is the main cause of turning absolutely normal people into neurotics. When approval-seeking becomes a dire need, and your ‘self’ is sacrificed for the opinions and predilections of others, you start self-destructing, and are heading for a great deal of misery in your life. You could find yourself feeling extremely depressed, unworthy, guilty and anxious because a significant person has disapproved of you.

Because of this approval-seeking need in you, families can manipulate you. Any effort you make on your part to break away from this need—by becoming independent of others’ opinions—is labelled as being selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, and arrogant. This vicious circle of manipulation continues in many families.

Unconditional love and approval is the one thing that every man, woman or child looks for throughout his life, and this unfulfilled intrinsic need is the sole cause of all human misery and neurosis.

All children need unconditional love and acceptance from their parents in their formative years. If they do not receive it, the neurotic seeds of self-doubt are planted. When children do not fit the job description laid out for them by the parents—by speaking out their own mind, thinking for themselves and wanting to create their own path in life—many parents withdraw their love. Such parents tend to treat children like possessions who will be nurtured only if the children are who and what the parents want them to be.

Kahlil Gibran speaks to parents about this in The Prophet.

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you,” he writes.

Athletic Sanjana wanted to be a fitness instructor, but her highly qualified parents wanted her to be a doctor or an engineer. Her need of approval made her enrol into medical college with her father paying a hefty donation for the admission. She failed twice in the first term and realised that she was just not cut out for this. However, compelled by her need for parental approval, she bought the question papers for a large sum, which she acquired by stealing jewellery from her relatives and friends. She gradually became a confirmed kleptomaniac. She was arrested one day and on being bailed out by her father, was given the cold shoulder treatment at home. She acquired her degree in the same way and was so depressed with the lack of love and acceptance that she got into a bad and violent marriage with the boy who had helped her acquire the question papers.

In counselling, she was helped to break free from an abusive marriage and to free herself from this ‘dire need of approval’. Today, she is a fitness instructor in a local gym and arranges treks for the youth during weekends. She has returned to herself her self-worth by not allowing herself and her life to be defined by coloured opinions of others.

Need for unconditional love

When a child is born, she receives physical nurturing from the parents, but remains malnourished and unfulfilled in her deepest core. She spends her entire life seeking a sense of fulfilment, satisfaction, contentment, completion and wholeness to appease her intrinsic hunger for unconditional love.

Such a child tries appeasing her hunger by amassing wealth, by creating a social group and surrounding herself with people, by achieving prestigious positions of power in society, by getting awards, by climbing the Everest, by indulging indiscriminately in food and sex, alcohol and drugs, etc. In short, she is constantly trying to compensate her intrinsic hunger of unconditional love.

All social evils arise out of this very hunger. Competitiveness, murders, war, addictions, sexual abuse, prostitution, obesity and other indulgence-created diseases are a result of this unappeased hunger.

On a more personal level, we see the same hunger ruining relationships too. A man and a woman, who never received unconditional love from their parents during their formative years, come together in an intimate relationship with the same mindset—hungry for unconditional love—almost like two beggars begging from each other, neurotically insisting that the other appease his/her hunger.

Is it any wonder then, that marital conflicts, depression, suicides, murders, divorces are on the rise?

Erich Fromm writes in the Art of Loving, “Unconditional love corresponds to one of the deepest longings not only of a child but of every human being; on the other hand, to be loved because of one’s merit, because one deserves it, always leaves doubt; maybe I did not please the person whom I want to love me, maybe this, or that—there is always a fear that love could disappear.

“Furthermore, ‘deserved’ love easily leaves a bitter feeling that one is not loved for oneself, that one is loved only because one pleases, that one is, in the last analysis, not loved at all but used”.

Finding self-love

Children of parents who give only conditional love need to work at making themselves un-neurotic in spite of their families. Breaking away from this need of approval and establishing themselves in self-love is the only way. Psychologically mature people do not seek a stamp of approval from significant people as they love themselves and accept themselves in totality.

It is also no coincidence that so many people turn to religion and spirituality. The need for this unconditional parental love and acceptance is visible through the belief in a ‘Divine Father’ or a ‘Divine Mother’ in heaven—the heavenly parent, who showers infinite unconditional love and acceptance on his/her children.

But, this need for fulfilment finds completion only when man turns to the infinite source of self-love, his own higher self, and finds nourishment for his impoverished and starved soul. Such a healed person finds healing in understanding that those he seeks unconditional love from, are themselves seeking the same, and thus are incapable of providing what he seeks. On connecting to the infinite and inexhaustible source of his higher self, he not only fills his own heart, but now becomes capable of nurturing other hungry hearts that come into his life. Such a person grows from being a needy and neurotic child, to being a un-neurotic fulfilled adult, thus reaching psychological maturity.

Soliloquy of a grateful son

­— By Aman Bhonsle

Family, as I define it

In my opinion, a family is one’s primary social group and the interface that nurtures, protects, shelters, loves and provides for an individual. For me, my family has been the blood borne connection I share with my parents in wholly representing the values I stand for, such as honesty, responsibility for actions, coherence, listening intently to the opinions of others and constructive communication.

My family is what I represent and they are my honest critics, companions and the truth serums of my existence. They complete my perception of the world and help me gain an insight into myself and into the world around me. I love, respect and stand in awe of my family, without whom I feel incomplete.

The role of my family

I am a person who always defied convention and dared to dream against all opposition. I have always had the need to go with the flow in an untamed way in keeping with my wildly adventurous urges.

My family has supported my struggle to find a role for myself—not only in the educational institution dynamic, but also in the extended family dynamic. I was never academically gifted, nor were my sporting abilities much to boast about. This led me to search deep into what is it that fulfils and completes me. I found expression in playing the digital keyboard, sketching, writing and working with cameras. It also gave me immense joy to listen to, learn from, and narrate human stories through the audio-visual medium. My family has stood by me through it all, which has encouraged me to be a creative rebel with a cause.

In my family, we can have a healthy difference in opinions, where each individual has a right to his expectations and desires, and where a consensus may not necessarily be reached by virtue of a certain gender, age or familial role/context.

My family is my primary group, where I was nurtured and supported physically and psychologically, and encouraged to be the best at what I love to do. In short, I was allowed to be myself. My family taught me the meaning of taking responsibility for all my actions and to learn to follow my conscience when in doubt. My parents have always given my opinions, thoughts, ideas and perspectives the autonomy, respect and credence that they deserve. This egalitarian environment supports my faith in being able to challenge my weaknesses and turn every obstacle into a stepping stone to achievement. My family infused in me an optimism that helped me become a confident and composed individual.

Specific contributions

When my friends make references to issues of parental pressures, I always remember my mother’s ‘we can agree to disagree’ statement and suddenly wonder if I’ve ever been pressurised by my parents.

By allowing a healthy difference of opinions, by being reasonable and non-judgemental, and by accepting me for who I am [and for who I am not] my mother has both sheltered and bolstered my volatile and sensitive mind.

I have seen that I work optimistically and tirelessly towards my film-making and all that I’m passionate and fuelled about. This has been how my mother lives, and I have probably unconsciously imbibed this over time.

My father once said, ‘You either do it or you don’t…there’s no such thing as trying to’, and my mother said, ‘Courage is in doing it afraid’, and this has encouraged me to meet every challenge that has come my way so far.

Through numerous conversations with my parents, I have been systematically helped to understand and accept the phenomenon of being human, so that I can make sense of everything that happens within me and around me.

This has helped a boy to turn into a man who can observe and absorb different aspects of the world. It has something to do with his mother showing him what it means to listen, and his father showing him to let time take care of some things.

I am therefore a product of my mother’s unconditional love and teachings and knowledge, and my father’s pragmatism, worldly wisdom and rock-solid support.
Aman Bhonsle is the 20-year old son of Dr Rajan & Minnu Bhonsle.

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