Two years ago, when Kyra learnt that her parents were getting divorced, her world came shattering down. She was confused, scared, lost and even angry. She loved both her parents, and the thought of not being a family any more was too difficult to digest. She withdrew into a shell, started clinging to both her parents, and would burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

Luckily, both Neil and Kruti, Kyra’s parents, were able to see what was happening to her. They made an attempt to put their differences aside for the sake of their daughter and, while reconciliation was out of question, they worked together to create a cohesive parenting structure for Kyra. It was difficult for sure, with emotional, financial, and logistical hurdles to overcome. But despite their differences, they were unified in their desire to do their best for their child, and their efforts at harmonious co-parenting soon started paying rich dividends. Kyra relaxed, slowly became herself again, and over a period of time, came to terms with the fact that her parents were not together. Because she had access to both of them and because she did not have to navigate emotional minefields between her parents, she settled down into her new routine and arrangement.

What is co-parenting

Separation and divorce have become a glaring reality in the fabric of human relationships, and more often than not, children become a scapegoat. As the marriage breakdowns, partners spew venom at each other, with little vulnerable eyes watching and absorbing, and getting scorched in the process. The realisation that their conflict and separation could impact their children negatively has led many couples to cast aside their differences and think how best they can work together to raise their children. This is what co-parenting is all about.

Conventionally, the word parenting implies both mother and father playing a role in child-rearing. The very word conjures up images of a happy child, along with two happy, smiling faces, creating a glow of warmth and love. However, as human relationships tear down the curtains of convention and explore new bastions of connecting and bonding, parenting could imply: single parenting, same sex parenting, long distance parenting, foster parenting, and so on. Hence, the need for the term “co-parenting”.

When should a couple consider co-parenting

When a marital relationship breaks down to the point of no return, when partners decide to go their separate ways, decisions around child rearing become crucial. Gone are the days when couples believed in burying their differences for the sake of the children. Individual happiness is an important goal for every person, as indeed it should be! Further, now research has established that living in a conflicted home environment is far more traumatic for children than the divorce of their parents. What is important is for parents to consistently offer security, stability, love and reassurance to their children—whether they are living together or apart.

So, if as a couple you have decided to part ways, yet be connected as parents for the sake of your children, co-parenting could be the best option for you and your children. Co-parenting means continuing to play your role as a parent even though the marriage has fallen apart, and taking joint decisions on all important matters.

Guide to help you make a win-win co-parenting plan

Here are a few things both parents need to consider when deciding to co-parent their child.

1. Keep the child’s well-being as the goal

Of course, there are differences between the two of you, many of them intense and irrevocable—which is why you have decided to end the marriage. Yet, when you sit down to make arrangements regarding parenting your child, you will need to work through your own differences. This is not about one-upmanship, or about proving who is the better parent. It is about providing the best possible arrangement for your child. As a parent, it can, at times, be hard to take yourself out of the equation, but it is worth the effort to do so. Every time you get stuck on a point, ask yourself, what would be best for the child in these circumstances, and the answer would readily come to you.

2. Rebuild communication

Usually, by the time a couple heads toward divorce, there is a complete communication breakdown between the partners. For the sake of the child, you will have to cross over barriers. Get talking about what is important for the child. Share your views clearly and logically, without hurling accusations at each other. It will be easier if you keep your discussions focussed on matters related to the child only.

3. Respect each other’s views

You may no longer get along with each other, but you share a history, and most importantly, you have created a child or children between the two of you. As such, respect the other’s feelings and opinions regarding the child and child rearing. Navigate differences respectfully.

4. Focus on the key issues

Splitting hair over trivial matters will get you nowhere. Decide on what are the main issues for you. You have a choice to climb this mountain together, or keep haggling over every little speed breaker; make the right choice!

Common mistakes while co-parenting

It is also important to make sure you don’t engage in any actions, words or behaviours that could hijack your co-parenting plan. Mentioned below are a few definite things that you would do well to restrain from:

1. Using the child to get back at your spouse

This little human being is not a device to be used to take revenge, insult, or humiliate your spouse. If your anger and resentment is so huge, find other ways to work through these feelings; but leave the child out of it. This not only further erodes your relationship with your partner as a co-parent, it also causes lasting damage to the child’s sense of self.

2. Burdening the child with your issues

While it is advisable to be transparent with the child about the divorce and maybe even reasons for the divorce, do not make the child your emotional crutch. Remember, s/he is still a child and you are the adult. Don’t keep plying your emotions on the child, and especially don’t bad-mouth the spouse in front of the child.

3. Give up on creating guilt

The child has a right to love both parents, despite what is happening between the two of you. Never make the child take sides, or make the child feel guilty about loving, missing or wanting the other parent. Making your child feel guilty about caring for the other parent will leave a deep and lasting impact on the child, so do your best to avoid it.

At times, the relationship between the partners can be so bitter, that it may require a mediator to create a co-parenting plan. A mediator could be a lawyer, a couple’s counsellor, a respected adult in the family, a common friend whom both parents trust or a senior community member.

Decide on these crucial issues of co-parenting

With or without a mediator, make sure you and your spouse come to an agreement regarding the following key matters:

1. Living arrangements

This is usually the first and the biggest hurdle, and a big bone of contention between parents. This is more than simply a matter of custody. Keep the child’s age, gender, his or her comfort level with each parent, schedules of each parent, childcare options and other details in mind before you arrive at living arrangements that are best suited for the child’s well-being.

Of course, you both want the child with you, but your child is a living and breathing person; keep his or her needs in mind and arrive at these decisions. Many parents of late agree to very flexible living arrangements, where the child has free access to both homes and can stay wherever they want, whenever they want. This is possible if both parents continue to live in the same vicinity and with easy access to the child’s school. If not, usually one parent takes responsibility for the week, and weekends are split between the parents. Go by what would work best for your family without creating resentment for either of you or for the child.

2. Education

Major educational decisions need to be taken jointly, and it is easier if you have kept communication channels open. Keep each other updated about picnics, exams, half days and holidays, daily school schedule, and pickup-and-drop arrangements. It’s important to inform the school about the change in status too.

3. Health

This not only involves major health issues, but also everyday matters, such as nutrition, food habits, eating schedules, sleep schedules, health check-ups, vaccines and so forth.

4. Finances

As part of your divorce settlement, you would undoubtedly discuss the finances. Take the child’s long-term financial requirements also into account.

5. Involvement of extended family

If grandparents, uncles and aunts have been closely involved in child-rearing, you will also need to discuss about their continued role in the child’s life. Ideally, it is best to allow all people who are close to the child to continue to remain in the child’s life; it goes a long way in creating a sense of stability for the child at a time when his or her very foundation is being shaken by the divorce. However, it is important to have these significant others on the same page with respect to maintaining mutual respect and not taking sides in front of the child. If a family member is unable or unwilling to remain neutral or supportive about the situation, the child may require some time off from such a family member.

4 key advantages of successful co-parenting

When you co-parent successfully, your child will benefit in many ways. Here are a few significant ways:

1. Healthy self-esteem

You preserve the child’s self-esteem, which can get seriously challenged during parental conflict, separation or divorce.

2. Modeling relationships

Seeing parents being a parenting unit despite their differences goes a long way in giving children insights into how adult relationships work and how, despite differences, couples can work toward mutual goals. You also become examples of good communication and mutual respect.

3. Sense of security

Children grow up feeling secure and stable because they know both parents are available to them at any point in time, and they don’t have to feel guilty about accessing either parent.

4. Emotional wellbeing

Children who are co-parented positively show fewer psychological or emotional problems.

A Word of Caution

For all your planning, scheduling and negotiating, remember that parenting is dynamic and unpredictable at the best of times, and a roller-coaster ride at the worst of times. Hence, being flexible is key.

You may decide on things which you realise don’t work for the child down the line, and being able to course correct is important. How you navigate the twists and turns on this adventurous joy-ride called parenting will decide how successfully you are able to co-parent your children.

Your efforts at co-parenting will go a long way in helping your child grow up into a well-adjusted adult.

The post The right way of co-parenting your kids after divorce appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

You may also relate to other common struggles of people who feel insecure and overly dependent. They often have an underlying sense that they are inadequate, unworthy of love, and essentially flawed. They have strong fears of rejection and often feel jealous as they scan for evidence of their spouse finding someone better than them. Because they feel emotionally weak or oversensitive, they frequently become overwhelmed by emotion and look to their partner to help comfort them.

As an insecure person, you probably also have a sense that you need to earn your spouse’s acceptance and love. You might place your spouse on a pedestal and work overtime to meet their needs. Unfortunately, this reinforces your sense that you are below them, inherently unworthy of their love or appreciation—except as a reward for the things you do. It increases your self-doubt and motivates you to keep your opinions to yourself. As a result, you might rely very much on your spouse to make most decisions for you—from picking a restaurant to choosing the best career path for you.

It can be helpful to assess how your partner’s personal style affects your marriage. Your spouse may be basically secure and comfortable with looking for support from you. They are likely to be reassuring and encourage you to feel secure in the relationship. If this describes your marriage, choose to take in the positive and allow yourself to grow from the experience.

However, like many insecure people, you might have chosen a partner who tends to be highly self-sufficient and avoids vulnerable emotions in themselves and their spouse. These marriages are fraught with conflict. You might cry out for attention, only to have your spouse withdraw; prompting you to press for attention again, perpetuating a never-ending cycle of pursuit-withdrawal.

Though marital patterns related to insecurity and overdependence can become entrenched, the good news is that they can also be changed. The key is for you and your spouse to be willing to work on improving your relationship.

Nurture your own personal growth

You must be willing to challenge yourself to grow as a person. By nurturing a sense that you have value as you are—that you don’t have to overcome some basic inadequacy—you can begin to engage more fully in your marriage. You can share more of your thoughts, feelings and opinions. And you can feel free to explore your interests independent of your spouse.

You might grow through psychotherapy or through efforts at finding personal validation in work, pursued interests, and other personal relationships. You might also look into books, online resources and workshops to help nurture personal growth.

In the end, by strengthening your sense of self, you will become a different partner. This can lead to a stronger marriage. But be forewarned, if your partner prefers a more dependent partner, they may resist your change and your marriage may become turbulent. It might interest you to know that I’ve never worked with anyone in therapy who has regretted their growth, even when it resulted in this kind of difficulty.

Encourage personal growth in your spouse

If your spouse is secure and emotionally mature, they might simply need to be extra supportive and encouraging, letting you know without question that you are loved and respected. Then it’s up to you to take in that acceptance and love, allowing you to develop a strong, more independent sense of yourself.

However, if your spouse tends to avoid emotions, they may need to grow personally in order to fully value and appreciate you. You will probably need to express your needs strongly, prompting this kind of growth. You might even look to couples therapy for help to express yourself and to open your spouse to responding in a more positive, connected way to you.

Make your marriage a safe haven

It’s essential that you and your spouse feel that you are supportive of each other—that you feel safe in turning to each other for support during difficult times. Even when you disagree, you want to feel safe with, and loved by, each other. This kind of safe haven is created when you can consistently act in a way that communicates that you care about and respect one another. When people feel safe with each other, they also trust one another and feel freer to be fully themselves.

Make your marriage a secure base from which you can explore personal interests

For a marriage to be successful, both people need to pursue their individual interests and live life according to their values. When you live as less than a whole person—as you do when you ignore self-care and self-interest to attend to your spouse—you cannot connect in a fully intimate way because you aren’t fully there.

Asserting your thoughts, feelings and desires might feel very intimidating. You may fear being rejected or abandoned if you divert energy away from attending to your spouse; or if you express any differences of opinion. The reality is that when you have a spouse who truly loves and respects you, they want you to be fully yourself.

Be emotionally available for each other

To enjoy a happy marriage, both people need to truly be there for each other. You cannot have an intimate relationship if you don’t interact very much, or if you are simply clocking time and not really sharing from your heart. So, make sure that you and your spouse are warm and affectionate with each other, spend quality time together, and show each other genuine caring.

By doing all you can to nurture personal growth and feel your spouse’s support, you will find that you develop a stronger sense of self. You will be less fearful of rejection. And you will grow, becoming increasingly true to your genuine self. With time, you will have less of a need to depend on your spouse. And eventually, you will change from being dependent upon your spouse to having a relationship in which you are both interdependent. That is, you will feel that you and your spouse can act independently but also choose to rely or depend upon each other for support, encouragement, and maintaining a shared life. Once you reach this level of interdependent connection, you find happiness and fulfillment in yourself and in your marriage.

The post Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The business of being married is based on—supporting each other, being best friends, meeting each other’s needs, enjoying each other by being romantic and passionate, managing conflict, running a household, bringing up children, paying a mortgage and much more.

What you need is a strategy

If we look at the model of running a business, different people would have different roles, and more importantly, there would be a strategy. A good business runs smoothly, just like a good marriage does, on one condition: Everyone knows exactly what their roles are and happily fulfils their duties. These duties are based on a strategy.

The strategy doesn’t have to be complicated. Your strategy may include: Let’s talk every day [for at least 30 minutes] without distractions. Let’s reconnect once a week on an intimate date night, where we dress to impress, take the night off from cooking, and devote the night to enjoying each other. And let’s make passion a priority, so let’s go to bed early, more often, and make time to make love!

What is not working?

And of course, like a business, people don’t function well in their roles if there is tension. So we need to work out what causes the tension in a marriage—what is not working? So, let’s make time for serious discussions [meetings], and let’s have simple rules about these discussions. Let’s meet, let’s talk, let’s really listen to each other, treat each other with respect, and most importantly, let’s both get what we want and need from this relationship.

I heard this quote years ago: “Angel at work and devil at home”. When at work, are you being kind and considerate to workmates, giving out compliments and smiling all day? That’s great… as long as you keep up the charm when you get home. Or are you too tired to be nice or listen to your partner when you get home? Do you sit on the couch, grab the remote control, and ignore your partner? So what do you think happens when you want to be intimate? Well, I can imagine how this turns out? After 11 years of talking with married women, I have a theory about what I consider to be the biggest leg crosser in women. It is resentment! Resentful women are not enthusiastic lovers.

Let’s make time for serious discussions, and let’s have simple rules about these discussions

Resentments dissolve intimacy

What causes resentment in marriage? A lot of things: Unresolved anger [usually from ineffective arguing], living together but not connecting, not making time for each other, and couples who attempt to control the other, and not allow them personal freedom. A couple who respect each other, support each other, allow the other to have independence, and argue well [even often], very seldom end up with resentment.

Most couples who are experiencing marriage issues need a better argument strategy. So don’t be scared to argue, as arguing is a perfectly normal part of marriage. Simply ensure that arguments are resolved, issues are not swept under the carpet, and you avoid ‘sleeping on an argument’ or in separate beds. Yelling, name calling and long silent treatments must be avoided. Instead, own your feelings, and argue from an ‘I’ standpoint, without accusations. For example, instead of saying: ‘You lazy, good for nothing, slob! You never help me around the house, or with the kids!’ You may wish to say: ‘I feel really overwhelmed today, and I’d really love just a few minutes help. It takes time to change the way we interact, but it’s only a habit, and a habit can be changed in as little as 21 days.

So here are six tips for running your marriage as you would run a business:

1]  Use a strategy

Ensure that your daily routine includes quality ‘talk time’ with your partner, and your weekly routine includes date nights, time for passion, and family time each day, and on the weekends.

2] Have designated roles

To avoid confusion and frustration, ensure everyone has a role, and adheres to it. For example, you may be the cook in the household, your child may take the rubbish out, and your partner may help with the dishes. If these roles are well defined, tension will be reduced, creating a more peaceful household.

3] Effective communication of needs

If both parties are communicating their needs using ‘I’ statements, thus being assertive instead of aggressive, the home will be a happier place. For example, if one partner does not pursue their hobbies, they may feel restricted and oppressed, which could lead to a depressed state. In an ideal marriage, each partners’ needs are met in the relationship and in life. It’s vital that these needs are communicated!

4] Treat one another with respect

Just as you treat your workmates with respect and kindness, get into the habit of listening, caring and being considerate with your family members. Neither of you should ever swear, belittle, or raise your voice at the other.

5] Have regular meetings

To reduce the chances of resentment, communication must be efficient. If you need to discuss anything, particularly about needs that are not met, hurt feelings, anger and so on, schedule a meeting. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place, with no disruptions such as television or computers. Feel free to have a glass of water, a pen and paper, and take turns in speaking and listening.

6]  Conflict management

If either of you become angry, ensure you calm down first, before speaking. Schedule a meeting for later that day or night, and talk in a professional manner, using ‘I’ statements and avoid the blame game by using ‘you’ statements—stay focussed on your own needs, not your partner’s shortcomings.

Don’t become emotionally bankrupt. Use a strategy to ‘run your marriage’, stay on track and be happy.

The post Want your marriage to be happy and successful? Run it like a business! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

6 signs that tell you it is time to leave your partner

1. You do not feel loved by your partner

Your partner may claim to love you, but what is most important is that you feel loved. Pay attention to your feelings and what your body is telling you. Do you feel loved by your partner? Is he or she demonstrating love and affection for you? Marcy tells me that her partner says the words “I love you” but does not spend time with her, talk to her, or act interested in her life activities. She wants to feel warmth and empathy from him but doesn’t.

2. You feel that you are not valued for who you are as a person

Many people who grow up with narcissistic parents learn the wrong definition of love. They learn that love is about ‘What you can do for me’, or, ‘What I can do for you’. This is a set up for dependent and co-dependent relationships. Authentic love means emotionally tuning into your partner and cherishing who he or she is as a person. And it means having the ability to empathize with a partner’s feelings and provide nurturing. Bob reported to me that he only feels valued by his partner for the paycheck he brings home and the chores he accomplishes. His partner does not acknowledge who he is as an individual and what he brings to their relationship in terms of his personality traits, parenting skills and intellect. If, like Bob, you don’t feel valued in your relationship, maybe it’s time to end it.

3. He or she controls everything

Healthy relationships are reciprocal, requiring give and take from both partners. If your partner is controlling everything and you have no voice in the relationship, your connection is not a healthy one. For a relationship to flourish, both partners must feel seen and heard. Susan tells me she feels controlled and manipulated in her relationship and never gets to have a say in what is going on in the family. Her partner does not take her opinions or ideas seriously, and when she does feel brave enough to speak up, her partner puts her down. Consequently, Susan increasingly finds herself shutting down emotionally and giving up on having a participatory role in the relationship.

4. You see signs of emotional damage in your children

Children are harmed emotionally by high conflict in their parents’ marriage. Parents in a troubled marriage who are determined to stay together until the children grow up may not want to acknowledge the damage being done to their kids. In fact, splitting up may actually be better for children in cases like these. Research shows that the brain is capable of changing in response to experiences, so children witnessing high conflict can be adversely affected, if they are not helped. If help is provided, however, it is definitely possible for children to heal from traumatic family episodes. Breaking off a harmful relationship with your partner, and getting the proper help for your children, can be the best thing you can do for them—and you.

5. You have lost your sense of self in the relationship

Many clients tell me that after they got married they felt they had to give up their true selves to be loved by their partner. They find themselves focused on their partner’s wellbeing, constantly trying to make him or her happy, and eventually becoming mentally exhausted. In that process, their sense of self gets lost. Some clients also experience physical symptoms from the heavy burden of being their partner’s emotional caretaker. Jack shared with me: “I began to realize that if I stayed with her, I was going to die. I would end up with some kind of anxiety disorder, die of some stress disease or heart attack. I realized I was doing unsafe things like not wearing my seat belt and driving faster than I should at times. I think my spirit was dying.” If you have been feeling that you have lost your sense of self in the relationship, it is time for you to consider leaving your partner.

6. You or the children are being abused

This sign may seem like a no-brainer, but we have all witnessed those who remain in dangerous relationships that put partners and their children in harm’s way. Life is too short to live in an abusive relationship. Don’t let this happen to you or your kids. If you or the children are being abused, find help and guidance to figure out what to do. Reach out to the many organizations or support groups geared toward abused partners and their children.

The difficult decision of leaving your partner

If you are struggling with the difficult decision to leave your partner or stay in the relationship, it is wise to keep a private journal about your relationship. Record the events that are upsetting to you. Write down what happened and how you feel about it. Take a serious look at any psychological harm or abuse that you may be suffering in your relationship. Writing down when these actions occur, along with your feelings, will help you to acknowledge how frequently these things happen and to identify patterns of harmful behaviours. If you are tempted to forgive your partner and try again, keeping a journal will help you remember prior problems so that you can assess whether or not your partner’s treatment of you has changed.

Sometimes the final sign that it’s time to leave your partner and end a failing relationship comes unexpectedly. One of my clients received a Valentine’s Day card from her husband that was a turning point for her. The card with an oversized red heart proclaimed “Happy Valentine’s Day” on the front, and on the inside her spouse had written: “You need to love me more!” This was a clear-cut, six-word signal to my client: she should finally leave her self-involved partner and start a new life.

The post 6 signs that tell you it is time to leave your partner appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sandy stated she loved Dan because he was a good man, but she wasn’t in love with him. She asked him to go to marriage counselling many times over the years, but Dan refused. Dan, on the other hand, felt the relationship was going okay until Sandy told him she wanted a divorce. He admitted he knew she wasn’t happy, but he didn’t think she was this unhappy.

He was emotional as he stated Sandy was his best friend. He couldn’t imagine life without her and he was willing to do anything to save the marriage. Dan was scared he was losing Sandy and now he was desperate enough to agree to therapy. Both were worried it was too late.

I see couples like Dan and Sandy all too frequently. There is a huge disconnect between them on the state of their relationship. How can Sandy feel so alone while Dan feels she is his best friend?

One thing 75 per cent of couples are missing in marriage

Divorce rates are an obvious focus when it comes to marital happiness, but not all unhappy marriages end in divorce. In fact, there is research that says only 25 per cent of all marriages are good ones. What do 25 per cent of married couples have that the rest are missing?

According to Dr John Gottman, a pioneer in the field of marriage research and therapy, the missing ingredient is simply friendship. Gottman also explains that friendship between couples means they “know each other intimately” and “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.”

Dr Gottman studied thousands of couples over 25 years and determined that the friendship between a couple was the core of a strong marriage. He found that having a healthy marriage wasn’t that difficult or complicated, but it did require a level of intimacy most couples do not maintain.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman states that couples in good marriages “have an abiding regard for each other,” express this esteem in many ways large and small, respect each other, and enjoy one another’s company. Gottman has also found that the quality of a married couple’s friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion.

What friendship looks like for women vs men

Most couples come to therapy because the woman is unhappy and lonely in the relationship but the men feel everything is going just fine. If friendship is the core of a healthy relationship, how do both individuals have such a different experience of the same relationship?

The quality of a married couple’s friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion

In my experience, this happens because of the way men and women experience and bond through friendship. Women know how to do friendship really well… with other women. They are very relational and conversational. Intimacy flows between women rather easily and naturally. But men do not relate to other men at this level of intimacy.

Women need more than companionship to feel close to someone. They need the exchange of feelings and thoughts. They need to feel as if someone understands them and accepts them. For women, intimacy means “into me you see.” It is a much deeper layer of relationship than most men ever experience, in part because of the way they were raised.

Men have had role models for generations who showed them that in order to be a good husband and father, they needed to provide financial support and stability. Women needed men to gain property, security and respect in most cultures, often sacrificing emotional intimacy for other physical needs. But as times have changed and women have become more educated and employed, they no longer need men in the same way.

As a result, women are now demanding more from the men in their lives. They require emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, men have not caught up with these changes as quickly. They are still showing up in relationships with the idea that companionship is intimacy. This is why women are much more likely to file for divorce than men.

Men create bonding relationships by doing things together like watching a sport, hunting together or playing a sport. There isn’t a lot of talking and sharing. Two men can “know” each other for years. They consider themselves great friends because they spend time together participating in that shared interest. And yet, they may not know many things about each other outside of that interest, but they will feel as if they are close.

Women need more than companionship to feel close to someone. They need the exchange of feelings and thoughts

Five actionable ways to work towards intimacy

• Set aside intentional time with one another each day to create a habit of carving out time for conversation.
• Husbands can ask specific questions like, “What do you need to feel loved today?” and “How can I help you today?”
• Wives can work towards giving honest, open feedback to these questions. Opening up to these questions and asking for what they really need will help bring intimacy back in to marriage.
• Husbands can stop listening with the intent to problem-solve. Instead, listen to what your partner is feeling and put your focus there. I promise it is almost always the right move.
• Both can phrase wants and needs as a request instead of a complaint. Inside every complaint is a wish. Drop the complaint and focus on the wish.  Complaining leaves no room for your partner to show up.

Dan and Sandy — Revisited

As they sat in my office, Sandy was skeptical that any real change could happen. Could she really love him passionately and romantically? I advise couples in this situation to give it at least six months to allow intimacy to grow. Dan took that time to learn how to relate to Sandy and communicate what he was feeling. Sandy worked towards finding her voice and letting Dan know what she needed and wanted. This work is not for the faint of heart, and it did not come with a simple flip of a switch. However, making time to work towards moving closer to one another emotionally led Dan and Sandy to have a close, vibrant friendship and a thriving marriage.

Going the distance

Marriage is often the constant re-balancing between closeness and distance. That’s part of the journey of intimacy. It is the responsibility of both partners to speak up when needs are not being met. Complaining is a great first step, but if it isn’t enough to spark change, go further. Seek out counselling even if your spouse won’t agree to come with you. If necessary, put the marriage on hold until your partner knows how serious you are. Staying quiet or withdrawing does not solve the problem. Both of you deserve better.

This was first published in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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When I discovered my husband’s affair I was distraught, devastated and blown apart by his betrayal. He was supposed to have my back, emotionally and physically. Instead, he hid behind his back a double life. Like a magician, he concealed a five-year relationship in plain sight, leaving me to feel worse than a fool. I cared for our two children, one just an infant, while he was falling in love with someone else and telling me he loved me, and that he was blessed to have me in his life.

Under the moon

And then, a pocket call blew the lid off his jar full of lies. I had finally discovered just how much he loved me. I then sat in a deep meditative state under the virtuous light of a full moon, which was pretty fascinating, because at the time I didn’t meditate. I didn’t think I knew how. I guess people turn to meditation for all sorts of reasons, including spontaneously in an effort to survive after witnessing their world vaporise.

At least that’s what I did

There, in the dark, began my metamorphosis from an uptight, nothing is ever right, I’m not worthy, judgmental, over-taxed, overwhelmed woman to a woman filled with gratitude and love for all, even my former spouse. I pulled myself out of the past and back from the future and began the process of retraining myself to live in the present moment. Because I didn’t have a choice, my world had just vanished. I was panic-stricken. My past was a lie. My future was shot. The only place I felt I could breathe was in the present moment. However, I wasn’t enlightened, I was afraid.

The trauma of discovering infidelity broke me apart. Then, the moon blew me open. When I looked at the scattered pieces of me, I had the opportunity to reclaim those that felt useful and set free those that no longer fit. Over the next three years I rebuilt myself. This was not a piece by piece experience. Sometimes the walls would fall again, or the foundation would get shaken. Sometimes I would pull the pieces apart to start anew. But I became accustomed to the process and was adept at reconfiguring the pieces of me so they fit better together.

Figuring out who I am

Each time I reconstructed or reconfigured I did so not out of fear but out of great curiosity. Who is this person I am to become? I took to the mountains, spending time in meditation to answer the question. And what I discovered was that my ego was the part of me that kept me stuck—in fear, filled with angst. I was unsure, always. It was my ego that needed to know who I was. It required me to answer—am I a wife? A mother? A writer? A failure? A success?

I am none of those things.

I am light. I am life. I am gratitude. I am love. I am presence. I am peace. I am a reflection. I am whole.

Mother, woman, wife, writer… those are positions I hold with gratitude, grace and reverence.

Addressing my ego

After many months of looking at my ego, coming to understand its role in my life, I sat it down and sent it on holiday. Sure, it tries to check in every now and then but I let it know all is well and send it away. Instead of seeing life through the eyes of my ego, I now live from my centre, my heart. I live from my soul.

It is from this place that I am able to express gratitude to my former spouse for being the catalyst that jettisoned me out of unconscious living and into presence. He has played a crucial role in my life. With him I became a wife, a mother, and then, through the experience of infidelity and divorce, I transformed my entire being.

The discovery of his affair was as near to a near-death experience as one can get, and the process of healing after was akin to a rebirth. Without having experienced it, or something like it, I feel safe saying that I would have lived a half-hearted life. And, upon my death, condolences would have been appropriate. Not now.

Moving on

Now I celebrate each day. And when I feel myself wanting to judge or complain or be taken by fear, I come to the present moment, to my heart. I join hands with my soul, feeling secure and knowing that I am right here, right now, exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel the unconditional love that surrounds this gorgeous planet. And I nurture my vibrational energy so I exude that love. I have no idea what the future holds, which is fine. It is in the now that I must reside.

It is in the now that I hear the applause of the universe for living a life of presence.

Before the pocket call, I was eating cheese steaks and complaining about politics and hated my body and struggled under the weight of the world. I was always on the go with not enough time and never enough sleep. There was a constant ball of angst in my centre, as if at any moment tragedy could strike so I best be wary and on guard.

Gratitude for my husband’s affair

Do I hate my former spouse? No way. He played his role perfectly. I am eternally grateful. I know who I am now. I forgive his human actions because I know deep in my soul that his choice to have an affair fulfilled my need to be shaken to my core so that I could come alive.

This appreciation doesn’t mean I want to flip through our wedding album together, which I threw out, or reminisce about our brazen move across the country [the one that put him within an hour’s flight of his mistress]. Although I have laughed about the irony of that one… I do empathise with the burden he now carries. One day he’ll need to look into the wide eyes of our children and face their questions about his choice to break our marriage vows.

I accept that this was the journey he needed to take and I was the one who would walk beside him until the time when his actions would part our union.

I thank him because his affair, which to the world-at-large makes him a bad person, made me a more present and loving person, a more integrated being.

If you told me that I’d one day I’d be grateful for the experience of infidelity and divorce, I would have been shocked by your suggestion. Yet, that’s exactly how it played out.

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It’s a myth that everything should stay blissful in a relationship, and it’s normal to go through ups and downs. Nevertheless, sometimes we regain happiness by working on our relationship, and sometimes we need to leave it in order to be happy again. There are relationships where the partners are not compatible, one person’s needs are not being met or one person has to compromise much more to meet the other person’s needs. Although I have seen many couples work out their problems in couple’s therapy, some relationships are just not a good fit, and some are too toxic due to addictions, verbal or physical abuse, an unhealthy lifestyle, a lack of understanding and blaming. Relationship issues can be solved as long as the partner recognises and admits to having a problem, is willing to work on it, and takes actions toward positive change. Otherwise, it will stay the same or possibly even get worse.

Why do we stay?

Although, looking at a relationship from the outside, we might think it would be easy to leave if we were in a bad relationship, unfortunately this is not so. Some people are afraid to be alone, others worry about what society might think if they are single or divorced, and some are financially dependent on their partners. Another reason why it a breakup might be hard is the fear that everyone will think there must be something wrong with you because your partner behaves normally in public and only acts out privately.

We also tend to see our partner’s potential and yearn to help the other person become who he or she could be. Or we still have hopes of returning to happier times in the relationship. We have heard that even healthy relationships can be hard, so we don’t want to give up if the relationship can still be saved; on the other hand, we don’t know when to stop.

Angela [name changed] was in a verbally abusive relationship in which she was constantly yelled at. Her husband persistently belittled her and didn’t listen to her. When I asked her why she didn’t leave, she explained, “I’m like a frog in warm water. A frog jumps out as soon as it learns it has jumped into hot water, but if the water gets gradually hotter, it gets used to it and won’t jump out—and it dies.”

Sometimes we don’t realise how bad our relationship is until we read about a similar relationship, or we are already out of the situation, or someone tells us from an outsider’s perspective what’s really going on. That was the case for Angela. Once she read Patricia Evans’s book titled The Verbally Abusive Relationship and talked to her on the phone, she understood the dynamic of her marriage and came to therapy to find the strength and self-esteem to leave. Usually, as a bad relationship goes on, our self-esteem declines to the point where we might need to seek some help to rebuild it.

Why breakup becomes necessary

An environment that is too stressful and not nurturing or loving enough can cause depression and anxiety, as well as illness and chronic pain. In his book The Honeymoon Effect: The Science of Creating Heaven on Earth, Bruce Lipton mentions that cells are shaped by their environment. He points out scientific experiments have shown that cells grow when love hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine enter the bloodstream. But when we produce stress hormones, the cells stop growing. Therefore, we need to make sure that we create the best environment possible for our self-care.

How to regain happiness

Happiness is about choosing to take a different direction when you find that you are on the wrong path. After Angela left her husband, she expressed, “Eventually I broke out of it, because it wasn’t a place where I could spend my life and I couldn’t fix it. Nor could I get him to fix it.” She continued, “I’m happier right now than I ever was.” Seeking out the right support system from friends, family, or a therapist helps you with your journey.

Our subconscious beliefs create a large part of how we live our lives, so when you change your subconscious beliefs, you change your life too. Many methods are available to help you to change your subconscious beliefs, including Emotional Freedom Technique [EFT], PSYCH-K [Psychological Kinesiology] and Instant Emotional Healing. You have the power to be happy again, even if you can’t see that right now. When you shift your thinking and believe that you can be happy, when you focus on loving relationships and what you want, you’ll begin to attract what you want.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” goes a popular saying, though I think it’s applies equally to men as well. Few things get to a person’s soul more than the hurt, betrayal or ending of an intimate relationship. And few things are more damaging than the subsequent spin out and fury done in front of, or to, the children of the men and women scorned.

How bad-mouthing your spouse affects your kids

• Karen is 43 years old and still talks about the pain she went through when her parents divorced. Her father left her mother for another woman. For decades afterwards, Karen’s mother repeatedly told Karen what a cheater her father was. She made visitations a constant fight and she spent many years trying to turn Karen against her father. To say that Karen was put into a loyalty bind would be a gross understatement. She was not allowed to have any positive feelings for her father without her mother taking it as a personal affront to her. The divorce altered Karen’s life; the constant fighting between her parents damaged Karen’s wellbeing.
• Sally and Ken are divorced. During the marriage, Ken was emotionally abusive to Sally and their two children. After the divorce, Ken continues to be emotionally abusive. He tells the children how incompetent their mother is, he makes fun of her, he bullies his way into her home and dismisses Sally’s attempts to set limits. Sally’s children are growing to hate their father and learning to dismiss their mother.
• Mary struggled for years to save her marriage. When she was finally done and filed for divorce, Frank was shocked. He alternated between crying, saying he couldn’t live without her, and getting angry, making threats about how hard he would make this divorce. The entire divorce was rife with conflict. Frank would cry to the kids then angrily tell them that their mother “did this”. “She’s the one responsible for breaking up our family!” Their two kids wanted to love their mom and dad, but found it more and more difficult to be around dad. They cried when they had to see him. They begged to not go to his house, and over time, they just refused to go.

The consequences of trash-talking

Disrespecting your ex-partner hurts not only your children and your family, but also yourself. Listed below are just a few of the many repercussions of bad-mouthing your spouse—regardless of how bad a person you think s/he is.

• Carbon copies: Your children are made up of 50 per cent of your genes and 50 per cent of your ex’s genes. When you tell your children what a loser or cheat their mother/father is, they take that in. If you tell them that their parent is that terrible, then they think they must be too. Don’t put that on them.
• Loyalty bind: When you constantly bad-mouth the other parent, you put your children into a loyalty bind. They will feel as though they can’t love both of you without one of you being hurt. Not being able to love one parent because the other parent would be upset is a huge stressor for them.
• Boomerang effect: It is not your job to ‘show’ your children how awful their mother or father is—that’s unhealthy thinking. And it often has an uncanny way of backfiring. Children can get tired of constantly hearing how terrible their father or mother is and begin to hate the parent who’s doing the bad-mouthing—even if the other parent caused the original hurt to the family. Children are keenly insightful; they will see the true colours of both of you. Be sure you’re showing them the colours you want to be known for.
• Creating a template: Children live what they know, they know what they live. When they see two parents attacking one another verbally, emotionally and physically, they take that in as a template of the way to fight. They will internalise the idea that if they’re hurt, upset or mad at someone, they have the right to annihilate that person just as they see you doing to your ex-spouse. This behaviour will wreak havoc in their lives and relationships for years to come. Don’t set them up to internalise this dysfunctional template.
• From difficult to damaging: Divorce is difficult for children under the best of circumstances. However, when done with integrity they will be okay. When you go through divorce in a toxic and bitter way, you make a difficult situation a damaging one. Your children deserve much more from both parents.

The heartbreak and sadness of losing someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with can be intense, to say the least. Many, if not most, people who experience divorce go through moments of feeling these intense emotions and, of course, no one goes through the process of divorce perfectly. However, one of the roles of being a parent is to always keep the best interest of your children at the forefront of your mind and at the heart of your choices. As a parent, you don’t have the luxury of letting your anger get the best of you—even in the most difficult of times—and certainly not over and over again for years.

Rise to the occasion. If your ex will not allow that to happen, then have your home be a safe haven from the strife of a bitter, vengeful parent. It will be the greatest gift you could give yourself and your child. Take the high road. Be the parent you would like to have if you were a child in this situation. The biggest gift you can give your children is the gift of an amicable divorce.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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American actress and novelist Ilka Chase must have had a terrific sense of humour. Soon after she parted ways with her husband Louis Calhern, she found a package of visiting cards bearing the title “Mrs Louis Calhern”. Rather than see them wasted, Ilka got them wrapped and mailed the package to her now ex-husband’s new wife Julia Hoyt. Along with the package she sent a note: “Dear Julia,” it read, “I hope these reach you in time.”

Though this funny anecdote is from the early part of the 20^th century, it reveals a not-so-happy phenomenon of short-lived marriages that is just as widespread today as it was then. Two people fall in love, feel a sense of completeness, get married, and soon discover that their fairy tale story was just their imagination. Each partner blames the other for the collapse of the relationship, missing the point absolutely. Best-selling author Gary Zukav explains this saying, “The collapse of a romantic attraction begins when you realise your saviour cannot deliver, and your anxieties, fears, resentments and self-doubts return. Then you begin the search for salvation all over again.” The inherent problem then lies in looking for salvation through a relationship instead of using it to learn about the self and grow as a person.

The divorce rates in India, though lower than the rest of the world, have increased manifold in the recent years. Even those couples who stay in the marriage are often not in it consciously. They are sifting mindlessly through their lives together, harbouring all kinds of erroneous notions about their respective partners. Sometimes the wall between the couple seems insurmountable; their problems seem impossible to solve. But no problem is unsolvable, if only we stop looking for answers outside and turn within. And this is exactly what Wayne C Allen helps us do in this month’s lead story.

Drawing upon his experience as a psychotherapist, he helps us to detect the flaws in the way we relate. He then introduces the idea of using mindfulness to relate, a perspective that is at once fresh and intuitive, helping us understand what we really want from our relationships.

This feature is unlike most others in that it’s participative. I liken it to a mini-workshop where he introduces his Communication Model. Plus, there are plenty of exercises that you can do right away. These are interspersed with gems of wisdom such as, “For now until forever, speak always and only for yourself. This means owning your judgements, speaking your truths by saying, ‘This is what I believe,’ and asking your partner for clarification for pretty much everything they say or do.” What Wayne does is make you think for yourself and, in doing so, makes you realise that your happiness is in your hands. Your relationships then become an opportunity to share that joy and learn about yourself.

Award-winning author Dave Meurer says, “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” So that’s the heart of the matter. I’d say let your differences help you grow while you love each other even more.

Read the full story here.

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4 Big Myths About Divorce That Will Surprise You

Myth #1 Once you are divorced, you will get along with your partner

Many people expect that their ex will suddenly understand them or respond to them the way they always wanted them to. That is far from true. The fact is that you got divorced because you couldn’t get along and make it work in the first place. Ending your marriage or your relationship won’t change that. The reality is that the anger that led to your divorce can get more intense during the process, making your interactions even more heated. In fact, taking the steps towards ending your union can turn into a continuation of sharing exactly the same feelings you did in your marriage, but you are now attached to different and often more difficult issues. Try to keep in mind that your relationship status has changed but the person you were with in that relationship hasn’t. They will continue to act in the way they always did.

Now that you are out of the relationship, try to do the opposite of what I would tell you if you were still in one: move from the ‘we’ to the ‘me.’ Of course, your goal is not to become your ex’s enemy, but now that you have pulled away from each other, you have to begin to accept that and stop wishing you can change the relationship for the better. Remember that it is no longer necessary for your ex to understand or agree with your needs or your way of thinking. And it is no longer reasonable that you want your ex to give you the emotional support he or she once did.

To get through your divorce and move to higher ground really means letting go of the hope that you and your partner will finally be able to relate to each other in a positive and thoughtful way. If you couldn’t do that when you were married, there is no reason to think you will be able to do that now.

Myth #2 Once you’ve made the decision to end things it will truly be over

Breaking up is a long road full of ups and downs and second guesses. Oftentimes, it means letting go of the vision of your life that you once had with your spouse and, if you have children, as a family unit. That is very hard to do; so people often remain in contact, even keeping up some of the old habits like turning to an ex for support when they have a leaky roof or need help with a sick kid. Try to fight against that urge and instead put new support systems in place separate from your ex so you have someone else to go to right away if you need help.

What I always say is that divorce often ends legally well before it ends emotionally. So when we start a life together, and believe that the connection will last forever, sometimes we aren’t that far off. Unfortunately, in this case, it can end up holding you back from moving forward. In order to stop that from happening, try to define your world the way it is now, single and separate. That takes time, work and effort. To really be able to do that you have to work to tie up loose ends and eventually let go. Divorce is all about giving up your past as you have known it in order to create a new future. Adding to how daunting that can be is the fact that you are now doing it alone.

Myth #3 Now that you are divorced you will no longer be sexually attracted to each other

In fact, sometimes people are quite surprised that right after a break-up becomes official, the sexual attraction they used to have not only does not go away but becomes rekindled. They might even find themselves being sexually intimate with each other. The likelihood of this is greater if the separation happened suddenly—either through a discovered infidelity or betrayal. In that case the sexual energy can become dormant because of the anger between you. Once things are clearly over and settled, that sexual energy, which was never extinguished but had just been buried, can come to the surface and reignite.

Myth #4 That your ex’s new partner is getting the better deal, walking away with your ex after you’ve done all the hard work to make him or her a better person

This is a common fallacy—the idea that your former partner is now thriving and doing well in the new union. While that might be how it looks, the truth is you ended your relationship with that person for a reason. You had irreconcilable differences and had to deal with behavior that made it impossible for you to stay together. Just because you are no longer with that person does not mean he or she doesn’t still have that problematic behavior. The only difference most of the time is that someone else is dealing with it. It is likely that those issues that came up when you were together still rise to the surface and continue to cause conflict in the next relationship. Unless your ex has done some real soul searching and changed his or her ways, those things don’t easily go away. Their new connection might look perfect, but if you had a chance to really see inside you would discover that it is not any better than what you shared together. Knowing this can help you feel relief and be glad that you are no longer dealing with it all.

Summing Up

There are no hard and fast rules about ending a relationship, each one is different. No wonder there are so many myths intertwined with the process. If you are able to recognize these four expectations around divorce as myths, and know before you are faced with them that the process of breaking up will most likely not be smooth sailing, your journey just might be easier.

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