However, if you have been feeling down for an extended period of time, with a persistent feeling of sadness and a loss of interest in daily living, you might be suffering from depression. Depression need to not be linked to an event and may include suicidal tendencies. A study suggested that if we eliminate depression, suicide rates would go down by as much as 80 per cent. In some cases, the mental health condition may be caused by one or more reasons.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, my first advice is to talk to someone who is kind, compassionate and empathetic and is willing to listen without judging you. Talking to a friend or a well-wisher often puts things in the appropriate perspective. If possible, see a trained counsellor. Seeking treatments for your condition may help alleviate it and prevent it from getting worse.

Next, I would suggest you kickstart your yoga practice right away. Participating in various activities may help you manage your condition better. Don’t underestimate the efficacy of yoga in managing mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Indeed, my own journey is a testimony to its powerful benefits on one’s mental health, for had it not been for yoga [and my friends], I too may have been part of the terrible statistics.

Yoga and mental health

Various researches including the one by Journal of Affective Disorders have concluded that yoga-based interventions are “an attractive option for treatment of depression”. According to Harvard Medical School, a new research on yoga has yielded promising evidence that yoga could complement traditional treatment for depression. It was seen that a regular practice of yoga helped modulate stress response which, in turn, was beneficial for those with depression and anxiety.

My own journey into wellbeing started when I was on medication for depression and anxiety. Interestingly, one of the side-effects of the medication was suicidal feelings. [Yes, your anti-depressant could make you suicidal.]

For me, a few rounds of Surya Namaskar (sun-salutations), headstand and kapalbhati played a big role in dissolving the suicidal thoughts. While Ayurveda believes this has to do with yoga’s ability to balance and energise chakras in a therapeutic manner, we are yet to understand the intricacies from a modern research perspective. This is not due to lack of evidence but rather because we do not have methodologies to study the shift in suicidal tendencies.

4 ways yoga benefits your mental health

1. Regulates good and bad hormones

At the most basic level, any physical activity helps improve muscle tone and circulation and causes a surge in endorphins—the feel-good hormones. Yoga goes a few steps further. A well-designed yoga session not just works at a physical level but also helps increase the energy field by removing mental and emotional blocks and not just muscle knots. Ideally, after finishing a traditional yoga session, you would feel like you received an Abhyangam. Yoga helps reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol while increasing happy hormones like GABA, serotonin and dopamine, all critical neurotransmitters related to mood.

If you want to include a workout session into your daily routine to help your mood, it may be an excellent idea to consider enrolling in yoga classes.

2. Encourages slow, deep breathing

Gymnasts perform many postures that look similar to yoga asanas, but they do not get all the benefits of an asana. This is because yoga practice involves slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing which, in turn, helps the body and mind to relax. The yogic style of breathing is known to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system and the vagal tone, both extremely important to help us move away from stress and towards relaxation. Learning proper breathing may help you outside your yoga sessions. For instance, you may try to calm your thoughts whenever you feel low by breathing slowly and practicing mindfulness.

3. Promotes mindfulness

Depression often leads us to replay our past whereas anxiety is related to the thoughts of the future. In yoga, you are encouraged to keep your attention on the breath and not let your mind wander. Some forms of yoga utilise the benefits of mindfulness to help improve a person’s overall well-being and health. An authentic yoga teacher reminds her students to keep bringing their attention back to the now. With regular practice, being centered and mindful comes easily.

4. Builds resilience

Yoga helps us face failure and build resilience by bringing us face to face with our vulnerabilities and strengths. On the mat we learn that we can’t always do a pose that looks easy for another person. We learn also that after months of practice, we are nowhere closer to touching our toes. But the principles of Abhyasa and Vairagya—practice incessantly, practice without expectation of results—keep us grounded and committed. Your improvements may also boost your mood and, therefore, may help alleviate your mental condition. We show up and try again, until we begin to surprise ourselves. When we are in a difficult pose on the mat, the teacher encourages us to observe, to breathe, embrace our limits and to know within that “this too shall pass”—an excellent learning for a difficult phase off the mat. This is how yoga builds our adversity quotient while teaching us to be kind to ourselves.

Final Thoughts

Practicing yoga can provide various benefits to your overall health. For one, it’s an effective workout to keep your body fit and healthy. It can also help improve your flexibility and mobility. In some cases, yoga may also help your mental well-being. Some people who suffer from mental health problems can take advantage of yoga to improve their mental state. So, if you’re looking for an activity to help your health condition, don’t hesitate to try yoga.

— This article was last updated on 7^th December 2021

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I have counseled a number of people who have come to me with feelings of guilt because their close friend has died by suicide. They feel as if they have failed their departed friend by not doing enough to save them. They mull over whether they could have done something.

If you have a severely depressed or suicidal friend, you may find yourself in a very precarious position where you want to urgently do something but see yourself as helpless in the face of severe clinical depression.

So is there any kind of intervention that you can offer to a suicidal friend, to stop their downward spiral? And what are the limitations you must accept in such a scenario?

There are several factors that contribute to the tendency of an individual feeling suicidal. Let’s look at each of them.

Factors That Contribute to Suicidal Feelings

Psychological factors

Flexibility

This is the first principle of emotional health. It is a ‘demanding’ philosophy which is at the core of all emotional disturbances. If we did not hold on to rigid demands that things must only be a certain way, life would not be hard. It is perfectly okay to have desires and preferences of how you would like your life to be. It is only when these desires are escalated to ‘absolute must haves’ that they become a problem.

Perspective

If a person thinks that every moment of their life is a catastrophe instead of keeping things in perspective, they come down a lot harder on themselves. For instance, if I view every unpleasant situation as ‘awful’, or every disappointment as a ‘disaster’, I would find it untenable to continue to live. So taking the disappointments, inconveniences and discomforts of life into context is the next requirement for emotional health.

You need to accept your shortcomings and realize that neither you nor anyone else is perfect.

Objectivity

Most youth today have very low frustration tolerance and quickly label any discomfort or something that they don’t like as intolerable or unbearable. But we all survive so many discomforts and disappointments and live to tell the story. It’s when we do not realize our capabilities of handling difficulties and frustrations that we tend to engage in self-defeating self-talk. We begin to feel hopeless and resigned and start to behave in ways that are anti-life.

As a mental health professional I feel it is imperative that everyone understands that human beings can both construct and destroy. We have the ability to resolve problems as well as to self-sabotage, and therefore you must know that it is one’s conscious choice as to the kind of self-talk one chooses to engage in, because that is what determines how you face the many challenges life throws your way.

External factors and internal factors

There is often a debate about whether people become suicidal because of their circumstances, or because of internal factors [their psychological state or their genetic makeup]. The truth is that both factors play a role. Environmental factors like social isolation, poor family support, sudden loss or abusive relationships increase the risk of suicide. However, not everyone exposed to such situations wishes to die. Therefore internal factors clearly play a part. If one is genetically predisposed to depression, is clinically depressed, has high expectations from oneself, or has a tendency to suppress emotions, the risk of suicide definitely increases.

Bio-Psycho-Socio factors

When a person is identified as being at risk of self-harm, an intervention is needed to tackle both the internal and external factors, i.e. at a biological, psychological, and sociological.

Biological

A psychiatric assessment is required to give a person suffering from depression anti-depressant medication. This should be done by a psychiatrist in a hospital along with the support of a parent/partner/friend/volunteer at home. Resources like a suicide helpline, psychiatric emergency team and family doctor should be available on call to prevent a suicide attempt. Never leave the suicidal or depressed person alone and keep weapons and dangerous substances away.

Psychological

Teach the depressed individual the principles of flexibility, keeping things in perspective and objectivity to change their self-defeating self-talk, and help them to consciously choose pro-life beliefs irrespective of their circumstances.

Sociological

Help to negotiate changes in the environment e.g. relationship counseling in the case of poor family relationships or empowering them to get out of abusive relationships, cajoling the individual to create a support system by associating with a group of friends, a religious group, or any forum, and engaging in activities on a regular basis to reduce the social isolation.

In case of some kind of loss [whether the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, loss of reputation or finances, or a loss of a dream/life envisioned for oneself], facilitate the grieving process and then discuss the fact that there is life beyond that event, and encourage the individual to act against his/her withdrawal impulses.

How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal

Coping with depression and suicidal thoughts is about remaining in the driver’s seat at all times, and not being a slave to your genes, your thoughts, or even your circumstances. Here are suggestions to follow if you have a depressed and/or suicidal friend:

• Communicate your concern about their emotional wellbeing
• Suggest professional help in the form of a psychiatrist [who would medicate if necessary] and a psychotherapist [who would help to reverse depressive thought patterns]
  • Fix an appointment for your friend and accompany them for the first few appointments
  • Talk to the family of the friend, expressing your concern and ask them to be involved in the process by monitoring the medication and therapy sessions
• Keep in touch with your suicidal friend; encourage and invite them to socialize with a few close friends so that isolation is prevented
• Encourage your friend to be involved in a creative pursuit, some fulfilling work or a social/religious group to keep them constructively occupied
• Help create a support system with a combination of family, friends, volunteers, and helpline numbers that the suicidal friend can turn to whenever they are feeling particularly down
• Listen to your suicidal friend patiently whenever they call and motivate them to remain engaged in therapy and to take the prescribed medication sincerely
• Help with accessing a psychiatric team or with hospitalization procedures if ever necessary in an emergency.

If you have dared to care for your depressed or suicidal friend, extended your help and support in all the ways mentioned above, then know that you have done your best.

And if, in spite of your best efforts, your friend decides to end it all, simply pray for them and make peace with the fact that we are ultimately responsible for all our own choices, and that no one can or should assume responsibility for others.

Real Case: How Rohan helped her suicidal friend

Seema was an ad-film director in a production house. She had a breakdown on the sets on more than one occasion. Her producer Rohan expressed his concern about her emotional wellbeing and told Seema to use him as a sounding board if she ever needed someone to talk to. Seema started sharing some of her troubles regularly while he listened with empathy. One night she called to say she thought she was having a heart attack. He rushed over and took her to a nearby hospital, but all medical investigations were normal, it was diagnosed as a panic attack.

These attacks started happening frequently and he would help to calm her over the phone, but kept insisting that she should urgently see a professional counselor to resolve the deeper issues that were troubling her. She refused and said she preferred to talk only to him. One day she called hysterically crying and said that she didn’t want to live any more and planned to end her life. He rushed to her home where she lived alone and found her in a very distraught state. She had overdosed on anti-histamine medication. He called an ambulance and took her to a hospital. Her stomach was pumped and he stayed with her overnight.

The hospital psychiatrist paid her a visit and asked her to take some anti-depressant medication; through all this drama Rohan stuck around. When she was discharged, Rohan insisted that she see a psychotherapist along with continuing to take the medication. So he made an appointment for her to see me and even accompanied her for the session. He came in first to brief me about her reluctance to visit me. We then had several sessions and he would continue to accompany her, sitting in the waiting room during the session. He called her mother in Pune and informed her about the gravity of the situation and suggested that she live with Seema for a while to ensure that she took the medication and also to ensure that she did not make another suicide attempt.

Soon the medication and therapy empowered Seema with better coping skills. Rohan now no longer accompanied her to the sessions with me but kept in touch via email to check whether she was keeping her appointments.

Rohan had correctly recognized the need for professional intervention and had stretched himself to ensure that she got the right kind of help and family support. He also recognized his own limitations, which could not go beyond being an empathic listener. His timely intervention averted a possible successful suicide attempt.

— Names have been changed to protect identities

Last updated on 17^th June 2020

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What is the impact of such media reports on young minds?

In India, the I&B Ministry hasn’t laid down laws regarding responsible media portrayal of sensitive issues. Unfortunately this encourages the media and uninformed viewers to promote and share shocking content in the guise of “spreading awareness”. But the effect is unfortunately the opposite; it creates a suicide contagion. The teen population is particularly vulnerable. A 2017 WHO report titled “Mental Health Status of Adolescents in South-East Asia” found that 25 per cent of Indian students admit to feeling depressed. This is further backed by reports from the Global Burden of Disease Study 2013 where suicide was reported as the biggest killer of 15- to 24-year-olds in India. And most recently, a report released by the Health Ministry titled “India: Health of the Nation’s States 2017” found that the leading reasons for injury burden among the youth is suicide and self-harm. This makes teens and young adults a high-risk population for suicide.

To recognise why we need to be responsible reporters of shocking news, especially for the youth, let’s understand the teenage brain. Nicola Morgan, the author of Blame My Brain, says that in teenagers, the part of the brain which seems to be working overtime is the amygdala, a tiny almond shaped structure in our emotional [limbic] brain, linked to gut reaction and raw emotion. At the same time, the pre-frontal cortex—the part of our brain that allows us to calm ourselves down, make rational decisions, and think logically—has not yet fully developed.

The theory goes that our neurons [brain cells] are insulated by a fatty substance called myelin, which is essential for controlled and healthy functioning of our nervous system. The process of insulation starts from the lowest parts of our brain and the last area to be myelinated, well into adulthood, is our pre-frontal cortex. Since the process of myelination has not been completed in teen brains, this explains the knee-jerk reactions and “motor-mouth” talk we associate so well with teenagers. Therefore, we need to be extra careful around young minds as they are unable to think completely logically; they can’t differentiate reality from their inner world nor judge consequences well. More importantly, the underdeveloped teenage brain makes this age group most vulnerable to depression and impulsive acts. That’s why when people argue that they share videos to make teens aware of such cases, my response is that this is counter-productive and can, in fact, add to the problem. The evidence is that in the days following this suicide case and the sharing of that video, the average number of calls I receive from troubled teens multiplied; many of them expressed that they were having suicidal thoughts.

The same “suicide contagion effect” was observed just after the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why was released. Soon after the series was released, there was an increase in Google searches for ‘how to commit suicide’ and ‘teen suicide’.

Here are some things we can do as a society to prevent teen suicides

Post responsibly

Any information received about suicide, self-harm, depression needs to be verified before being posted on social media or broadcasted on WhatsApp. Avoid forwarding videos and images about graphic portrayals of celebrity suicides or other types of deaths. There is no need to view or share those details.

Establish safety

If you teen shows signs of depression then take measures to keep the environment safe. Remove sharp objects and dangerous ingestible substances. Keep a watch on your teen’s outings and store contacts details of their friends. Request them that you will periodically check their phones [in their presence]. Install content-control software to ensure your teen is not being exposed to age-inappropriate content on the web. Educate them about general safety and cyber safety.

Be a moderator, not a helicopter

Despite the safety you may try to establish, reality is that your child may be exposed to graphic portrays of self-harm and suicide [the blue whale challenge, TV series such as “13 reasons why”, social media material]. Out of anxiety, parents end up helicoptering teens which causes more resentment and secretiveness. A balanced approach is to communicate about their feelings regarding these experiences. Ask how it impacts them and assure them you are with them no matter what.

Monitor physical health

Take your teen for regular health check-ups to test for deficiencies in vitamins D3 and B12 as low levels of these usually masquerade as depression. Ensure that the child is not eating too many sugary foods as these can cause a sugar-rush followed by a sudden drop in energy, creating a cycle of “high-low” moods. Studies show that morning hunger is strongly linked to depression so ensure that your teen does not leave home on an empty stomach. Physical exercise is a must to reduce low moods. As per the WHO, even 10 minutes of aerobic exercise is sufficient for good health.

Insist on good sleep

One major study has shown that sleep-deprived people are 40 times more likely to suffer from clinical depression. Research shows that teens need more than nine hours of sleep. Lesser sleep builds up a sleep debt and makes the teen lose out on REM [Rapid Eye Movement] sleep, which is important for memory and learning.

Be informed and communicate

Read up on teenage years [those that talk about the teen brain are often very informative]. It will help create a sense of empathy about what teens are going through and reduce your frustration as a parent. Keep your communication channels open and encourage your teen to share. Don’t judge their secrecy; it’s a part of growing up and creating their space. When teens feel comfortable, they share what is on their mind. Demonstrate rational thinking and controlled behaviour, as these will be models for your teen to replicate as they step into adulthood.

Seek professional help

Often only a mental health professional [psychiatrist/psychologist] can correctly diagnose if the teenager is depressed. Such professionals will run tests and interview the child to differentiate transient mood swings from depression. Trust the expert to provide professional help and work with them to help your child attain good mental health. 

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Meeting my baby for the first time

I still recall that moment vividly: the doctor was suturing me and I was thinking that the worst is over and now everything shall be fine. But I was clueless about the impending storm. Before I knew it, postpartum depression hit me like a tornado and it happened even before the doctors shifted me from the OT to my room. Exactly what it was I can’t describe but an overwhelming sadness enveloped me, as if something terrible had happened; I began crying inconsolably for no reason. I spent the next few days either crying or talking gibberish or in complete silence. When I was called to the NICU for the first time to feed my baby, I was emotionless. There was no love at first sight that everyone talks about or that is glorified in the movies. I just stood there staring at my fragile baby, waiting to feel the connection. He looked so tiny like a mouse, but not an emotion stirred in me. I was numb.

The breastfeeding challenges

My baby couldn’t latch at my breast at all and I was asked to express milk. I struggled with the manual pump; what’s worse, the hospital staff did not provide any guidance or support for struggling mothers like me. My baby was straightaway put on formula and I thought, “So now my baby doesn’t even need his mother for his food.”

When we came home, I spent my days staring outside the window, often secretly contemplating jumping to my final freedom. The various psychiatric treatments weren’t helping. Everyone around me had started wondering why I keep crying when everything seemed fine in my life. I heard labels such as ‘crazy’, ‘mad woman’ and ‘hopeless’ being used to describe me. Meanwhile, the insomnia continued. One day my mother gave me a sedative but it didn’t help. I thought may be two would do the trick so I asked her for more, but she refused. No one trusted me with my life, you see.

The turning point

Seeing my plight, a doctor friend of mine sent me a prescription of sedatives for a whole month and said, “Vandana, I trust you.” His trust in me gave me hope. It brought a huge change in my attitude and, ironically, I never took any of those sedatives. I stopped all the psychiatric medicines, as they were not helping me anyway. I decided to take charge of the situation and my husband did everything he could to support me. I hired maids to help with all the chores so that I could focus on healing myself. Most importantly, I cut off all the toxic people from my life.

Babywearing and relactation

I started reading about baby care. I started wearing my baby using a baby wrap and it felt like magic. It was healing me by releasing ‘feel good hormones’ in my body and soothing my baby at the same time. My baby slept on my chest and I had my hands free to do anything I wanted to. I did everything for my baby. Initially, I was doing things mechanically, but gradually the bond developed. I knew I was on the path to recovery.

Next, I started working on relactation. I kept pumping day and night on a military schedule to induce lactation. It was hard but it gave me immense satisfaction and joy as I could feed my baby liquid gold. Everyone discouraged me from pumping, as my baby was thriving well on formula and pumping every two hours was difficult. But I am glad I did it as I won’t have the guilt of not trying. Before I knew it, the depression disappeared and I felt like a normal new mom caring for her baby.

Today I am completely healed of postpartum depression. My son is now three years old and has just started at nursery. I have also started working from home, pursuing my passion for creating art and tutus. Life is full of excitement with no time to rest and I am going with the flow, with hope and gratitude in my heart. I hope that my story gives hope and courage to women going through postpartum depression.

Watch: Depression after childbirth a silent killer in India

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The presentation of illnesses is very different at this age which makes a definite diagnosis difficult. Thus there are more chances that in spite of the best possible attention given by the caregiver, the early signals can be missed and very often attention is given only when there is a crisis. Visits to the doctor at this point become need-based and very often the preventive aspect, nutritional needs and drug review are not addressed due to the urgency of the situation and a lack of time.

The IMPACT of old age

The question arises—how can we attend to the needs of this important and ever increasing population within the framework of our country’s health care system? Let’s see what the parameters are and the challenges that need to be addressed at this age and whether we are doing them right.

To understand and remember this let’s remember the important points as an Acronym “ IMPACT”—Where I stands for Independence, M for Mood, Memory and Mobility, P for Prevention, A for Appetite, C for control over urine and T for treatment including on-going medications.

Independence

The independence of a person is the first thing that is impacted as one grows older. However, it is not necessary that just because you are older, all your faculties will be impacted. There would be some responsibilities such as grooming, washing, bathing and eating that the person would be able to manage but other tasks such as using phones, shopping, travelling, cooking and managing money could become an issue. Assessment of these aspects acts as a reference point for further evaluation and can tell a lot about the physical and mental ability of the individual.

Mood Memory Mobility

• Mood—The older population often experience a low or depressed mood due to loneliness, feelings of worthlessness, troubled relationships at home or some chronic medical condition and pain. Often these aspects are overlooked by the person and the family as well. A careful observation during a consultation can provide invaluable insights with regard to the person’s mood. A well accepted tool called the Geriatric Depression Scale [a questionnaire] helps the clinician to make a decision to offer treatment for depression.
• Memory loss—Dementia is one of the most common and challenging problems of the geriatric population the world over. It is a condition with impairment in cognitive function [memory, reasoning abilities, language skills, forgetting learnt skills like how to eat, dress etc]. This may be accompanied by behavioural changes, personality changes, hallucinations and delusions. The symptoms can be very subtle initially and so they are easily missed. During a visit to a geriatric clinic, clinicians often use a MMSE scale—a 30-point questionnaire which helps a clinician to objectively diagnose and assess the level of dementia.
• Mobility—One of the biggest challenges in the elderly is to prevent a fall. Like children, the elderly population is very prone to falls and since they are more likely to have weak bones, they are at a higher risk of fractures as well as head injuries due to smaller brain mass. Mobility is tested with simple bedside tests like the “Get up and go test”. If an individual suffers from problems related to balance, physiotherapy exercises may be recommended to resolve the problem. The home environment plays an important role in fall prevention. Employ simple measures such as the use of anti-slip flooring in bathrooms and toilets, provide support handles in areas that have steps or a slope, avoid the use of carpets and bathtubs and leave a night light on to minimise the risk of a fall.

Prevention

When you are over the age of 60, prevention is a much better bet. There are two aspects to prevention:

• Annual health check ups which are specific to old age such as blood tests thyroid, sugar, lipid, scan to know the bone strength, mammography and stool tests. These tests are more or less standardised the world over and are based on common geriatric health problems.
• Vaccinations for flu must be taken annually and for pneumonia every five years apart from other vaccinations.

Appetite

With age, appetite may decline but a very rapid weight loss of 5 per cent in 6 months or 10 per cent in 12 months should always be investigated for the presence of an illness.

Control over urine

Often, the control over urine is a common problem with the elderly. In men, this can be due to prostate problems; in women it is due to stress incontinence. It can also occur as a symptom of an illness like pneumonia. A quick discussion during the doctor’s visit regarding this is very important to prevent medical emergencies such as the acute retention of urine.

Treatment

All the drugs that the individual is taking for various illnesses should be reviewed periodically for any possible side effects and  drug-to-drug interaction. Chances of drug side effects are higher at this age even with a normal or low dose, so a careful drug review is of the utmost importance.

To really have a positive IMPACT on the health of the Geriatric population, the most important tool required is time. Sometimes more than one visit to the doctor becomes necessary to address all issues at least in the initial stages. A clinic specially dedicated for the care of the elderly is doubtless as important as any other speciality.

Sir Richard Steele, the great writer, says, “There are so few who can grow old with a good grace”. I strongly feel that modern medicine should help every person to grow old and live with a good grace—that is the challenge awaiting the doctors in India today.

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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But what if it doesn’t have to be this way? What if you discover that you can return to the driver’s seat of your life?

Depression and anxiety affects over 120 million people worldwide and India has the highest cases of depression than any other country [36 per cent]. Recent WHO statistics reveal that the burden of depression is 50 per cent higher in Indian women than males and rates have risen quite dramatically in the last 10 years.

Broken down

Depression is an emotional state that presents symptoms such as melancholy, moodiness, sadness, grief, guilt, loss of motivation, anorexia, emotional eating, weight gain or loss, social isolation, suicidal thoughts, decreased libido and loss of interest in living. It is not something you just a ‘snap’ out of and it doesn’t mean you are crazy.

Depression is not something you just a ‘snap’ out of and it doesn’t mean you are crazy

Chronic anxiety is often a response to prolonged stress [of any nature]. Our fast paced lifestyles tend to provide arousal of the sympathetic nervous system [commonly known as the fight or flight response or as “fear spread thin”]. Symptoms include fear, mental confusion, tension, apprehension, lack of focus and memory loss. Chronic anxiety can lead to or be associated with depression, panic attacks, phobias, post traumatic stress disorder and obsessive compulsive disorders. Often the emotional disturbances cause symptomatic effects such as skin rashes, palpitation, shaking and trembling, sweating, nail biting, frequent urination, insomnia, abdominal discomfort and irritability. Depression and anxiety can develop from deficiency states brought on by malnutrition, poor dietary choices, malabsorption conditions, gastro intestinal dysfunction and other chronic illnesses.

Dietary guidelines

Health is as strong as its weakest link. The weak link may be something well recognised such as vitamin C, protein or magnesium resulting in impairment of the functions of the body.

The nervous system is inextricably connected to all bodily systems and plays a major role in every disease and health condition. The differing factor with this system in comparison to other bodily systems is that the mind has a potent effect on each individual’s wellbeing. For the nervous system to function effectively and for us to feel happy, calm, safe and positive, this system requires adequate nutrition and the body needs to be effectively eliminating toxic metabolic waste.

The nervous system is inextricably connected to all bodily systems and plays a major role in every disease and health condition

7 ways to reduce anxiety and depression by way of nutrition

1. Eliminate sugar and caffeine

The average person consumes 22 teaspoons of sugar daily, yet this sweet poison reaps havoc on our body, suppressing immune function, increasing inflammation and contributes to panic disorder, depression and even leads to addiction. Sugar triggers a spike in insulin that drops you lower than before consuming it, leaving you feeling tired, foggy, anxious and edgy.

Caffeine and sugar are both stimulants that deplete the chemical serotonin—an essential feel good chemical that reduces anxiety. Serotonin deficiency also leads to cravings for high carbohydrate foods which can contribute to weight gain and inflammation and further mood alteration.

2. Eat healthy omega-3 fats and reduce omega-6 fats

One of the biggest mistakes in the field of health and nutrition was the myth that fat makes you fat and it must be avoided. The brain is made up of fat, as are the cell membranes and therefore to ensure cognitive function, good omega-3 fats such as flaxseeds, avocados, cold pressed oils such as coconut and extra virgin olive oil are essential. Walnuts are one of the best nuts for brain health and cashews and almonds contain a chemical called tryptophan, which stimulates the production of serotonin.

Reduce omega-6 fats such as meat and avoid sunflower oils, corn oil and cotton seed oils.

3. Eat more berries and kiwi fruit

Berries and kiwi fruits are high in vitamin C, which is an adrenal gland nutrient. The adrenal glands produce thyroid and reproductive hormones when under stress. These contribute to further disease, lethargy, weight gain and inflammation. Adrenal overload can contribute to loss of coping mechanisms and increased anxiety.

4.  Eat more green leafy vegetables

Green leafy vegetables are high in magnesium. They also support liver function, which aids metabolic waste removal. Spinach is also high in folate, a B vitamin that aids nervous system function. Good source examples are spinach, kale, mustard greens and beetroot leaves.

5. Eat pumpkin seeds

The green part of the pumpkin seed is one of the highest plant forms [apart from Chaga mushroom which is the highest] of zinc. Zinc is not only a supportive nutrient for neurotransmitter production, but also supports the immune system. Anxiety greatly suppresses immunity, so this nutrient will provide additional support.

6. Eat foods rich in B vitamins

B Vitamins are the most influential nutrients in maintaining a healthy nervous system. Foods rich in B vitamins are brown rice, eggs, legumes, green leafy vegetables.

7. Use saffron in the diet

Clinical studies conducted to compare the chemical compounds of saffron with the anti-depressant drugs fluoxetine and imipramine showed equal efficacy in improving depression. Saffron also induces sound sleep, which helps in combatting melancholic moods.

A version of this article was first published in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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What Are the Signs of a Depressed Partner?

Has your partner changed and become negative, often pessimistic, about almost everything? Has he or she become quieter, emotionally withdrawn, simultaneously making themselves unavailable for many family activities? Have they cut down on socializing and seem disinterested in work, family and life? Have they increased emotional eating, alcohol intake or drug usage? Has your partner become moody and is easily angered?

One client said, “My husband seems to be a shell—as if he has no soul,” and another said, “He’s no fun anymore; he’s just not the same person he was five years ago, before the depression.” One woman said, “He’s always angry.” One man said, “My wife is constantly sad, and hardly talks, yet she has so many great things in her life.” These sentiments are common. While the contributing factors in depression vary from person to person, the way depression appears ‘from the outside’ is strikingly similar.

How Does It Feel to be the Depressed Partner?

The daily walk with depression is a crippling one; relationships with self, family members, friends, colleagues and life in general, all become more difficult and painful. The depressed partner usually feels oppressed and caged in, either by self-imposed restrictions or perceived or real external limitations placed on them.

In most cases, unresolved grief and loss is at the core of depression. For men, it is often the loss of a relative, job loss or loss of emotional/physical intimacy in the primary relationship. For women it is often the loss of a child or feeling trapped in the primary relationship. He or she lives in the shadow of self-condemnation, anger and frustration. As they over-focus on their defeats and weaknesses, causing their self-esteem to plummet, they compare themselves with others unfavorably—adding more bricks to the wall of isolation around them. This anger at life eventually points inwards, as prior goals seem unattainable. They feel pressured by most obligations, leaving them feeling ‘stuck’, struggling to make decisions, and fearful of the future.

This lack of fulfillment, and a feeling that life is ‘bland’, sometimes becomes the catalyst for a ‘mid-life crisis’ or an affair; creating a change, then a temporary spark.

However, a devastating backlash of increased alienation from their spouse, self-disgust and confusion make matters worse. All these negative, repetitive thoughts create an avalanche of sad emotions, impacting the body. As depression sets in, restless sleep, reduced sex drive, impaired sexual function, appetite changes, aches and fatigue are common. Feeling numb and disassociated from life, it is common to hear a depressed person say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore” and ”I don’t know what I want.”

How to Help Your Depressed Partner?

Some partners tell their spouse to ‘harden up’ or ‘get over it’, which only exasperates the situation. Ideally, if your partner has depression, you can assist them by encouraging them to see a psychologist or counselor for therapy or a doctor for medication. Keep talking to your spouse and keep listening: avoid nasty ‘put down’ comments.

Depression is not just ‘in the mind’, but is physical as well; be gentle and assist where you can in practical ways around the household. Being empathetic is important, but knowing strategies is essential. I have a tool that I encourage you to use. It’s called The Crisis Wheel. I talk about it in my book Are you listening: Life is Talking to You!

Ask your spouse how they are doing in the following areas:

• Thought Patterns: Are they predominantly positive or negative?
• Self Esteem: Do they have strong self-esteem?
• Past Grief and loss: Are they frequently emotional over a past loss?
• Emotions: Are they mostly experiencing positive emotions?
• Brain chemistry: Are they eating well and exercising at least three times weekly to improve brain neurotransmitters?
• Support networks: Do they have friends they regularly socialise with?
• Passions: Are they enjoying passions/hobbies?
• Lifestyle/Career: Do they enjoy their day job and are they suffering any financial stress?

When using this Crisis Wheel for assessment, I ask the client to give me a ‘coping ‘or ‘not coping’, response, which I translate to a tick or a cross. In my book I offer strategies for these eight vital areas. Ask your spouse how they are coping in these areas. Tragically, a person who is not coping in five or more of these areas is likely to be experiencing suicidal thinking, so be brave and ask them if they have had any suicidal thoughts. Other signs to watch for that your spouse may be suicidal are: Do they feel hopeless, are they saying goodbyes, giving away possessions, putting legal affairs in order, or frequently talking about dying?

How Medicine and Therapy Can Help

Science suggests that depression is related to an imbalance in the levels of the following neurotransmitters in the brain: serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, and that depression can be hereditary. So, does depression cause the reduction in these neurotransmitters or does the reduction in the neurotransmitters cause depression? It is much like the chicken and the egg—which came first? Regardless, it is crucial that a person with depression has improved power over thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and to do this, therapy and strategies are required. When a person is coping well in most areas in their life, depression symptoms usually subside.

Your doctor can assist with antidepressant medication, which often works well in improving the balance of neurotransmitters. Overall, you need to work on two levels:

1. Keep these brain chemistry levels correct and
2. Equip the depressed spouse with strategies for coping with their relationship and life.

Many of my hundreds of counseling sessions have involved a client with depression. When you know what to look for, what you can do to help, what to avoid doing and the psychological strategies for improvement, you can make a huge change in your partner’s life, the relationship and your life. Keep talking, keep listening and keep connected to each other. Now that you know more about what your partner is going through, and that depression is an illness, not a choice, this should help you stay empathetic. Use therapeutic strategies, have hope, and support each other, through sickness and in health.

(Editor’s note: The following three sections have been added by the Complete Wellbeing editorial team to expand on the original article with additional guidance that readers frequently ask about.)

How Do You Take Care of Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed?

One of the most common patterns in couples affected by depression is the slow erosion of the non-depressed partner’s own wellbeing. The giving, the accommodating, the constant making of allowances takes a toll and somewhere along the way, the caregiver stops tending to themselves.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Neglecting one’s own emotional, physical and social needs while caring for a depressed partner creates a real risk of becoming depleted, resentful, and eventually unwell. Research shows that partners of people with depression experience significantly higher rates of stress, anxiety and burnout. The wellbeing of the supporting partner matters too.

Here are some things the non-depressed partner can do:

• Keep your social life alive. Abandoning friendships or hobbies because a partner cannot participate is a common but costly mistake. Continuing to do things that bring joy is essential for balance.
• Seek individual counseling. Talking to a therapist privately (separate from any couples work) provides a space to process frustration, grief and confusion without fear of making things worse at home.
• Set gentle but firm boundaries. Loving someone with depression does not mean absorbing their anger or putting every personal need on hold indefinitely. Boundaries protect both people in the relationship.
• Release misplaced guilt. A partner’s depression is not something the other person caused or can single-handedly cure. Releasing this burden is one of the most important steps a caregiver can take.

Caring for oneself is what makes sustainable, long-term support possible.

What Should You Not Say to a Depressed Partner?

Words carry enormous weight when someone is living with depression. What feels like encouragement or tough love to one partner can feel like rejection or shame to the other. Knowing what to avoid saying is just as important as knowing what to do.

Phrases like these are best left unsaid:

• “Just think positive.” Depression is not a matter of attitude, and saying this dismisses the very real neurological and emotional reality of what the depressed person is experiencing.
• “You have so much to be grateful for.” This deepens the depressed partner’s sense of failure and isolation. They often already know they ‘should’ feel better — and that awareness makes it worse.
• “Snap out of it” or “Toughen up.” As the article notes, this only exacerbates the situation. Depression is an illness, not a weakness of character.
• “You’re ruining our family” or “You’re impossible to live with.” Even in the most exhausted, frustrated moments, statements like these cause lasting damage to an already fragile self-esteem.
• “Other people have it worse.” This invalidates the depressed partner’s pain entirely and shuts down communication.

Simple phrases like “I’m here with you” or “I want to understand what you’re going through” go a long way. Asking questions rather than giving directives, listening more than speaking, and offering quiet physical reassurance can say more than any carefully chosen words.

Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With a Depressed Partner?

The short answer is “Yes”. But it requires honesty, effort and a shared commitment from both partners.

Depression does not have to signal the end of a relationship. For some couples, navigating it together, with the right tools and support, deepens their bond in ways they might not have anticipated. The crucial shift is in treating depression as an illness that belongs to neither partner as a personal failing, and as a challenge to be faced as a team.

A healthy relationship in this context is built on open communication, where both partners feel safe expressing their needs. It involves the depressed partner actively seeking treatment: therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination. And it involves the supporting partner maintaining their own wellbeing, so they can show up with empathy rather than exhaustion.

Couples therapy can be enormously valuable here. It creates a shared space to rebuild communication, better understand each other’s experience, and develop strategies that work for the relationship specifically.

Many couples who feel hopeless in the thick of depression find, with the right support, that what felt insurmountable became manageable, and even transformative. Depression is a chapter, not the whole story.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 21^st February 2026

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A cultured and successful fashion designer, Laila never understood why she would often find herself in the pits of depression. For no cause, she would be tearful and feel extremely unhappy and fatigued. She felt drained of energy and would see no purpose in carrying on with life. This phase would last for a few weeks, and suddenly one morning she would wake up cheerful, excited and keyed up. She would unexpectedly become a powerhouse of energy, creating and discarding hundreds of designs in a day, blabbering excitedly with clients, often without realising that what she was saying made no sense. After a week or two of this ‘high’ phase, she  would be down in the dumps again. She felt like a yo-yo, constantly shuttling between these extreme emotional states. After months of battling the emotional upheavals, Laila was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She learnt that her mood swings were not ordinary mood swings, but indicated a far more serious condition, one that required considerable care and attention.

What is bipolar disorder?

To put it simply, it is a condition where a person suffers from extreme mood cycles, swinging between elation and depression. In technical terms, it is a mood or affective disorder, where the key symptom is extreme fluctuations in mood, ranging from mania to depression. It is a disruptive psychiatric condition and can wreak havoc in the normal day-to-day functioning of the person suffering from it. In fact, one of the key indicators of bipolar disorder is that the changing moods impact the person’s social, occupational or educational life and create disruption. This inability to function is what sets apart bipolar disorder from temperamental mood swings.

The symptoms of bipolar disorder

Typically, a person may experience depression and mania in a cyclic fashion, each phase lasting from a few hours to a few weeks.

Depression: Most of us are familiar with the typical ‘low’ feeling that we experience at various points in our lives. Today, most of us are also aware of clinical depression, which is a far more severe and debilitating form of your everyday depression. Some typical symptoms of being in a depressed mood are:

• Generalised feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
• Loss of interest in everyday activities
• Considerable change in appetite [either loss or excess]
• Significant weight gain or loss
• Sleep changes [insomnia or hypersomnia]
• Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time
• Anger or irritability.

Mania: A manic episode is the opposite of a depressive episode. A manic person tends to be excessively active, has high energy levels and can show some or all of the following symptoms:

• Impulsive, reckless behaviour
• Excessive and fast speech
• Loss of sleep
• High energy levels
• Racing or fast thoughts
• Inflated sense of self.

Both these mood and behaviour patterns are not typical of the person’s normal personality. That is one of the hallmarks of the disorder. So, it’s not just a moody or temperamental person having one of his ‘fits’.

A word of caution

Deliberate self-harm is a very real concern with people suffering from bipolar disorder. These people are twice as likely [when compared to the general population] to attempt or commit suicide, and think about harming themselves on a regular basis. Thus, it is important that any talk about ending one’s life, no matter how transient, be taken with utmost seriousness.

The changing moods impact the person’s social, occupational or educational life

23-year-old Saahir had a lot going for him. He was a hardworking and motivated individual pursuing success on the academic front. His journey toward his goals, however, was cut short by the sudden onset of a manic episode during the last semester of his MBA course. The episode lasted three to four days, during which he ended up fighting with all his friends, maxing out his father’s credit card on a shopping spree, getting into a violent tizzy when questioned at home and flunking his most important exam. He was never known to be depressed or manic before, and this episode left a deep imprint on him. This manic phase was followed by a lull period, in which he thought that life was not worth living after all, and ended his life one evening, after a minor fight with his girlfriend.

What causes bipolar disorder?

Unfortunately, as is the case with many other psychiatric conditions, there is no clearly defined cause for the disorder. However, several factors have been implicated, some of which are:

Neurochemical imbalance: Certain chemicals in the brain, when imbalanced, result in symptoms of this disorder.

Genetic causes: Research has consistently shown that mood disorders tend to run in families, pointing toward a possible genetic connection. So far however, the specific gene involved in the manifestation of symptoms has not been identified. All that is known is that there could be a genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder.

Environmental factors: Factors such as a dysfunctional home atmosphere, physical or sexual abuse and alcoholism are said to aggravate symptoms. Again, research is not conclusive about this.

What are the treatment options?

Unfortunately, there is no simple, straightforward ‘cure’ for bipolar disorder. It is a chronic condition that calls for long-term management and a multi-pronged treatment approach.

Medication: This forms the first line of treatment. The medications primarily work on correcting the neurochemical imbalance, thereby reining in the symptoms. At times, medication may also be required to calm down the agitation, anxiety, and at times the aggressiveness that accompanies the disorder.

Psychotherapy: Counselling and therapy forms the other major arm of the treatment plan. Counselling helps patients and the families understand and come to terms with the disorder and its short- and long-term impact on their lives.

Alternative treatment modalities: More and more people are also turning toward alternative treatment modalities. Homoeopathy, ayurveda, reiki, hypnotherapy are treatment options that are known to have some beneficial effect on reducing the frequency and intensity of the manic and depressive episodes.

Other than this, there are several ways to minimise the onset of symptoms. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, here are some things you must bear in mind:

Recognise your triggers: Usually [though not always] there are certain things that trigger an episode for you. This could be anything ranging from conflict with a loved one, stress at work or engaging in a particular activity. Try to understand what ‘sets you off’ either into a manic state or hurtles you into depression. Once you have identified your trigger, stay away from it to the extent possible.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Erratic eating and sleeping patterns are known to exacerbate the symptoms of mood disorder. Thus, try to ensure adequate sleep and proper meals on time to ensure that your body is functioning smoothly and optimally.

Build a strong support network: Let people around you know of your disorder and its manifestations. Make sure they know what to do, especially if you have a sudden manic episode.

Join a support group: It helps to know that you are not alone. A support group puts you in touch with others who are sailing in the same boat, and there is so much scope for learning from peoples’ experiences.

Indulge in your hobbies: Spending time doing activities that you enjoy is immensely calming. Giving this kind of time to yourself also helps centre yourself, so you focus on things that matter to you. This is one of the best stress-busters you can create for yourself.

Erratic eating and sleeping patterns are known to exacerbate the symptoms of mood disorder

Learn relaxation techniques: Learning any technique or tool that helps you relax deeply will help you manage your mood better. Yoga, Vipassana, Brahma Vidya and Pranayama are some techniques that can help you achieve relaxation.

How to support someone suffering from bipolar disorder?

There are a lot of big and small ways in which you can support a loved one, a friend or a colleague who may be suffering from bipolar disorder.

Remain non-judgmental: This is the best gift that you can offer someone who may be suffering from the disorder. Often, these people tend to be very hard on themselves, especially after they are out of the cyclic phase, and find it difficult to come to terms with their own behaviour as it is contrary to their usual personality. Being supportive and non-judgmental can go a long way in making them feel accepted.

Keep calm: It can be hard to live with a person who tends to shuttle between extreme emotional states. It is almost like handling two different persons. Be patient and calm. It is easy to get irritated by someone who acts in reckless, impulsive and insensitive ways. At such times, remember that it’s not the person but the illness that is making them behave in these ways. It can be equally frustrating when the same person is depressed and talks of ending his life. Again, try to keep perspective, and know that this too, is a phase.

Educate yourself: Learn as much as you can about the disorder. It will help you to understand the person and his symptoms and you will learn ways to handle him in both manic and depressive states.

While it is true that there is no known cure for bipolar disorder, it can certainly be managed—so much so that a person suffering from it can lead a healthy and happy life. Accepting the disorder, and having a positive, proactive approach toward its management is the key to normalcy.

This was first published in the June 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Anxiety

There are many emotional factors particular to perimenopause that can contribute to anxiety. When perimenopause hits, a woman is likely to suffer from anxiety as well as depression. Anxiety is a mental state where you worry too much—sometimes persistently—are nervous and tense. You can’t seem to shake off your concerns and worries about everyday events even though you know that your anxiety is unjustified. You can have difficulty concentrating and feel restless and irritable, which can sometimes lead to panic attacks. Changes in oestrogen levels have a direct effect on the neurochemicals that regulate mood. Hence, fluctuations in them can lead to anxiety. Other social factors, like worrying about your child’s exam results, may worsen this condition. Managing this condition requires a lot of family support and understanding, lifestyle changes and sometimes also medication.

Even for those women who are essentially happy and upbeat, things may change quickly and drastically when perimenopause appears. It’s a time of emotional distress. Because of this, they have more conflicts than usual with the people around them and that creates tension. At this stage, some women even go through a difficult time with their husbands sexually, which further aggravates anxiety. The problem may also be aggravated by caffeine, stress, thyroid problems, or heart disease.

Anxiety leads to palpitations or rapid heartbeats. It is a good idea to visit a physician and have a thorough check-up done if the heartbeat is faster than 100 beats per minute. If all your tests are normal, try yoga and relaxation techniques and avoid caffeine, colas, smoking and alcohol—these steps will help reduce episodes of palpitations.

Depression

Women over the age of 40 go through a lot of changes that can give rise to depression in them. This doesn’t mean that every woman over 40 will get depressed. But if your life was already stressful, the physical and emotional changes that typically accompany menopause may send you into a full-blown state of depression.

Depressive illness can make you feel exhausted, worthless, helpless and hopeless, and sometimes you may just want to give up. Women often suppress their need of autonomy, neglect their health, and fail to equip with skills, competence and self-confidence.

They may experience sadness, crying spells, sleeplessness or excessive fatigue, lack of interest in surroundings, neglect of self and display other signs of depression which may be as serious as suicide attempts. Treatment consists of lifestyle changes, exercise, yoga, support from family and friends and often anti-depressant drugs.

Mood fluctuations

Frequent mood change is the most common symptom of perimenopause. As a teenager, some of you may have cried at the drop of a hat. As a woman in your 30s PMS made you bite your best friend’s head off when she asked you how your day went. Or remember-that feeling of wanting to punch someone because they just wouldn’t shut up when you told them to? Well, that feeling is going to come back to you when you least expect it, in circumstances that may at times be classified as volatile. We’d all like to keep these episodes to a minimum, but perimenopause can sometimes make that seem like an impossible challenge. Perimenopause shares many of these symptoms with PMS. The difference is that PMS lasts only for one week, once a month, but perimenopause can last anywhere from 1 to 10 years. It’s no wonder that the overriding emotion women in their 40s feel is that of being overwhelmed.

And because you have to train yourself to cope with these feelings, perimenopause also results in a pretty drastic change in a woman’s personality. There are days when you don’t really know what is happening with you. You’ll find yourself annoyed by things that you never even noticed. I have had patients who are very disturbed by the changes that are taking place because they’re shocked by the fierceness of their irritability and the sharpness of their mood swings. Wild mood swings and increased irritability are linked to the sudden shifts in hormonal balance. These fluctuations in the levels of oestrogen, testosterone, and progesterone can occur when your body doesn’t get the right kind of support to maintain a natural balance. Sometimes, mood swings can take you high and you feel intense joy in everything around you. At other times, however, they can take you on a downhill ride with emotions such as sadness, anger, despair, anxiety, or fear.

A mental shift

40s are a time when many women find themselves at the peak of their career. While the 20s were spent trying to climb the ladder of success, the 30s were about consolidating your presence in the workplace. But it’s in your 40s, that it all comes together for you. This also means added pressure and stress.

For homemakers too, this is the time when they begin to assert their independence. By this age, a woman realises that time has passed her by and that she now has to make some changes in her life. Many women show a lot more independence now than they ever did. When they were younger, they were dependant on their husband or parents. There’s the feeling that they couldn’t do much to change their situation because the kids were too young. So if they are not happy in their relationships, this is the time that they assert themselves.

But that assertiveness can have a dark side too. I’ve noticed that for certain women, this phase brings out a side of their personality that was dormant for several years.

Let me give you an example. My husband and I have been friends with a couple for many years now. Theirs was a love marriage and they have two children who are in their teens. Ever since we’ve known them, this couple has been very happy. But about three to four years ago, I noticed a change in the attitude of the wife. A woman who for so long was happy to just be known as someone’s wife, suddenly was coming into her own. She seemed more confident and was very focused on her appearance. Whenever the two of us would meet for lunch, she’d only talk about how it was important to be your own person and that now she was keen to do things her own way. She had always been slightly plump, but now she was an active member at her gym and exercised regularly. She had become a completely different person from the one I had known for so many years. I was glad that she was happy with the changes she had made in her life, but was also taken aback by the aggression behind those changes. Soon after, her husband told me that she had been having an affair with a man she met at the gym, and that they were on the verge of separation.

After years and years of making adjustments to live according to how their husbands and in-laws want them to, during their 40s women realise that there’s more to life. The realisation that the person they have moulded themselves to be is not what they started out as can be very crushing. And then they feel a need to rebel.

One of the reasons for this is that women in their 40s often have a lot of free time at hand and don’t know what to do with it. If you aren’t a working woman, you may have a  ‘vacuum’ in your life at this stage. That’s why I always encourage women to work. At 25, if you aren’t a working woman, you may feel empty when you are older. Starting work at 40, when you have no skills or experience, is not easy! 40s is also the time when women try to reclaim old friends. Indian women tend to lose touch with their school friends after they get married. But suddenly, in their mid-40s, they reconnect with old friends because they have time on their hands. So now, a woman has a social circle of her own that’s not dependant on her husband.

That’s probably why, as I have observed, a lot of couples experience trouble in their marriage in their 40s. Whether they divorce or not depends on their individual mindsets as well as what their social environment allows them to do.

Anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “There is no greater power in the world than the zest of a menopausal woman.” The symptoms you feel through perimenopause ultimately influence your actions and reactions. Don’t let these symptoms define you during this stage of your life. The power to help yourself during this time lies with the best person—you.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing

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Loss and logic

Let’s apply logic to its ultimate end in your life. Imagine you wake up one morning and lying down in your bed, you think 100 per cent logically; you don’t look at your life’s experiences. Do not think about the sunrise, do not look at the birds in the sky, do not think of your child’s face, or the flowers blooming in your garden, or anything. Just think logically.

Now you actually have to get up, that’s not a small feat. Then you have to go to the toilet, then you have to brush your teeth, then you have to eat, go to work, eat, work, eat, sleep… the next morning same thing. Next 30, 40, 50 years you have to do the same things everyday. Think logically, 100 per cent logically. Is it worth living? That’s why you become depressed.

Feeling empty

Also, with depression you’re never empty [like many people believe]. With depression you’re empty of things that you would want to have, but there is all other kinds of stuff going on, isn’t it? You’re only denied of things that you want. You want to be joyful, that is not there, but some other nonsense is going on at an enormous pace in depressed states. You try to drug yourself to emptiness, but still it doesn’t happen. With the drug, the sharpness of the pain is not there; it sort of dulls you a little bit. But even with the drug, you cannot take away the nonsense that’s going on.

But depression is not emptiness at all. In moments of depression, are you empty? So much is going on, but you’re empty of what you would like to have, that’s all. That’s why you are thinking or terming it as emptiness.

Depression is not natural

You think depression is natural. Once you declare that depression is a natural process, what is the way out? There is no way out. See, when you were born, as a child what was natural to you? For most human beings, except a few rare ones, to be joyful was natural. So do not declare depression as natural.

To be unhealthy, to be depressed, to be joyless, maybe you have a large company with you, you have the majority with you; but still it doesn’t make it the right or natural thing. It doesn’t make it effervescent with life. This is not the way of life; it is the way of the mind.

Life is enthusiastic

If you allow life to live, life is always exuberant. Just look everywhere—whether it is a plant or an animal or a worm or whatever—just see with how much intense life is going on in the world. Just dig under the lawn and see how much is happening. Is there anybody depressed out there? There’s tremendous enthusiasm.

Look at the little grass, uproot it and see, just see with the kind of enthusiasm that has gone into the root system. You put one little plant on top of that roof and just give it a little mud and nothing else. From there it will just keep two leaves for survival; it will put one single root down and run over 25 metres. Do you think it ever gets frustrated? Life energy knows no frustration.

Frustration is psychological

It is a limited mind, which knows frustration; because the limited mind works out of expectations, false expectations. When your expectations are not in line with life as such or when they are fanciful psychology and not life phenomenal, then—when it doesn’t get fulfilled—mind feels this is the end of the world.

So your getting frustrated is purely a psychological phenomenon. It’s not a life phenomenon. Even now mentally if you get frustrated and your mind says ‘no good living, let me die’—just close your mouth, hold your nose for two minutes and see; the life within you doesn’t say let me die, it says let me live.

So anything that you do against your own life is simple ignorance and stupidity. But right now you have gotten yourself into a mental state where you begin to work against your own life. Frustration, discouragement, depression means just this: you are working against your own life, but now depression has become celebrated around the world—intelligent people must be depressed. If you don’t have any depression, you are not intelligent. It’s almost coming there.

I say only if you are stupid, will you get depressed. If you are intelligent how would you be depressed? Where is the room for depression if there is intelligence? Only because you have put your intelligence on freeze, is there room for depression, otherwise there is no question of depression or frustration.

That’s all you can do

This incident happened in the great Christian reformer Martin Luther’s life. Because all his efforts had gone waste, he was totally discouraged and depressed and was sitting in great sadness and depression for three days. His wife was a very intelligent woman. On the fourth day, she went into the bedroom, wore black clothes; mourning clothes, and came and stood in front of him.

Martin Luther looked at her and he said, “Why are you wearing black clothes like this?” She said, “God is dead.” He said “What? How can God die? God is not dead.” She said, “No, God is dead, that’s why I am mourning.” He said, “No, that’s not possible.”

She said, “If you believe God is not dead, why are you sitting so depressed? Before you came into this world everything was going fine. After you go, everything will go on fine. When you are here, why don’t you just do your best and get lost?” That’s all you can do.

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