Research shows that alpha personalities — characterized by leadership traits, high ambition, and strong decision-making abilities — face specific challenges when both partners share these traits. But, with the right approach, two alphas can create exceptionally successful marriages that leverage both partners’ natural leadership abilities.

In this article, we’ll explore the unique dynamics of dual alpha relationships, common pitfalls to avoid, and helpful strategies that successful alpha couples use to thrive together.

• Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships
• Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry
  • Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family
  • For an alpha, giving up leads to feelings of depression
  • Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes
  • Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative
• 5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage
  1. Zero talking or acting out in anger
  2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns
  3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths
  4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts
  5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving
• Frequently Asked Questions
• The Takeaway

Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships

In the world of wild dogs, every pack has a pecking order, on the top of which reigns the alpha. A strong alpha enables the pack to function in harmony. In return, the alpha gets special perks: first access to food and to mating opportunities. Who wouldn’t want to be the alpha?!

Fighting establishes who is on top. The more physically powerful alpha rules the roost. The loser slinks off. Fighting is risky though; even the winner may suffer wounds.

Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry

If the animal is a person and the troop is a family, the husband and wife may both aim to take the dominant alpha role. Both George and Julie, for instance, are alphas by temperament and capability. Both are effective leaders at work, both with upper management corporate positions. When these two male and female alpha personalities interact at home, they have five options. Four are of these are bad options:

• Fight: to win by domineering
• Fold: giving in and giving up like a slinking-off weaker dog
• Freeze: by ceasing to talk about their differences
• Flee: escaping the conflict physically or else via distractions: drugs or alcohol, watching TV sports, overeating, working 24/7, or continuously focusing on their computer.

Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family

Anger upsets everyone in earshot. Here’s how that picture would look in George and Julie’s family:

George wants to eat dinner at 6pm; his wife wants to eat at 7pm. George would grumble and growl about how dinner was not ready when he was. He might make nasty comments, complain and criticize his wife, or shout to bully Julie into doing what he wanted. 

Julie would other forms of fighting to get her way. She did not want to bicker with George or shout louder or make nastier comments than he could. Rather, she would fight via passive-aggressive inaction. That is, she would get back at George by winning with a strategy of not doing, ignoring what George wanted. Alternatively, when George would shout, rather than argue each point, she would wait, quietly seething, until she could deftly slide in a snide comment that wounded him to the core. 

For an alpha, giving in and giving up leads to depression

Feeling less powerful creates a loss of serotonin. This serotonin drop is experienced in both animals and people as depression. When the weaker partner caves in on the struggle to get what she or he wants, depression emerges.

Depression serves a purpose. Depression decreases motivation to fight. Staying clear of fights prevents the weaker party from engaging in fights that might produce emotional or physical injuries. They resign to thinking, “Better depression than to get wounded.”

Julie would ultimately triumph by wounding George with cutting contemptuous comments, George would then stomp out of the room, acting angry but experiencing an internal feeling of depressive collapse. 

At other times, it was Julie who gave up on what she wanted. Suffering depression sometimes felt safer than attempting to stand up against George’s angry outbursts.

Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes

Neither partner may want to risk getting injured, but immobilization in the face of a conflict or dilemma is a recipe for on-going anxiety.

On major issues, for instance, whether to move to an in-town apartment that would enable George to have less commute time to work but feel less comfortable for Julie, neither spouse wanted to fight. To avoid arguments, they avoided the topic altogether. The price was a continual background feeling of tension.

Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative

George tried to drown out his anger by drinking alcohol. Drinking actually calmed him but also caused him to withdraw into himself, brooding. Julie then resented her husband’s lack of attention to her. When a man at work began to shower her with sunshine, smiling often at her and finding excuses for them to talk, Julie began to feel tempted to stray. Turning elsewhere to avoid problematic situations invites creation of even worse problems.

Related » How to Live with a Perfectionist Partner: Advice From Experts

5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage

The good news is that people, unlike animals, can talk. With calm information sharing, win-win solutions can emerge. But first, both the male and the female need to accept each other as alphas. There is no rule that states two alpha personalities cannot be together. So Julie and George can work in the long run; only prerequisite is a will to be together.

Here are the steps that make a difference.

1. Zero talking or acting out in anger

Anger draws attention to a challenging situation. The adrenaline surge prepares you to fight. Having alerted you to a problem though, anger then needs to be given a few moments to dissipate. Pausing and doing something that would be distracting and calming refreshes the emotional system. (Also read A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage)

George experienced a sudden surge of anger when he returned home one day and saw a new car in their garage. He and his wife had always made big purchases together. How could Julie have bought a new car without talking to him?!

Tempted to rage at his wife, George took a few deep breaths, reminding himself that quiet talking was always more helpful than lashing out. When he entered the house, he took a few moments to wash his face and cool down, staying clear of ruminating about Julie and what she had done.

2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns

Information-gathering and solution-building only proceed effectively when the tone is calm, safe, and good-humored.

“Is that your new car in front of our house?” George later asked Julie, trying to stay calm.  “Where did you get it? Usually we make big financial decisions like a car purchase together.”

“Yes, George, I agree we always make big purchases together, and I like that. This car was no exception. I’ll explain. Remember my colleague Sarah, my best friend at work, who died suddenly in her sleep about a month ago? Sarah had no children. She left a very simple will, giving most of her money to a charity. But her new car, which I had admired, she left to me. Her lawyer brought it to me today. I’m so touched!”

“That was very kind of her,” George agreed, sighing with relief. 

3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths

Two alphas often clash when both try to control the same decisions. The solution is dividing leadership based on each partner’s strengths.

George excelled at financial planning while Julie had a gift for home design. Yet they constantly argued over both areas—George critiquing decorating choices, Julie questioning financial decisions.

Their breakthrough came during another paint color debate. “We’re both trying to control areas where the other person is actually stronger,” Julie realized. “What if we each led in our natural strengths?”

They agreed. George would handle major financial decisions while keeping Julie informed. Julie would manage home-related choices while considering budget impacts. Both retained input and veto power, but respected each other’s primary jurisdiction. This eliminated daily power struggles while letting both exercise their alpha nature productively. 

4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts

Alpha personalities hate being blindsided by decisions. Regular planning prevents the surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles.

Julie learned this after “The Vacation Incident.” She found a great beach house deal and booked it as a surprise for George. When she announced their vacation was “all set,” George felt excluded from a major family decision. Even though he loved her choice, his alpha nature reacted to being left out of the process.

“I wish you had talked to me first,” George said calmly. “I love the place, but I feel like I didn’t get any say in our family vacation.”

Their solution was to have weekly 15-minute “check-ins” every Sunday evening. They would discuss upcoming decisions, plans either is considering, and potential conflicts. Now Julie says, “I’m looking into vacation options—found some great places. Want to look together tomorrow?” George feels included from the start, preventing reactive conflicts.

5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving

When conflict arises, alpha couples need structured approaches to find solutions honoring both partners’ needs. Unlike couples where one might defer, two alphas will fight unless they have collaborative methods.

George got promoted but faced a 90-minute commute. He wanted to move closer to work. Julie loved their neighborhood—her friendships, professional connections, and the kids’ schools. Initially, each argued their case: George emphasized family time gained, Julie stressed losing her support network. They were stuck.

Julie suggested trying collaborative problem-solving from her management training. First, they identified core needs. George needed less stress and more family time; Julie needed to maintain her network and kids’ stability.

Then they brainstormed options – moving, staying put, remote work, compromise locations, or George finding a closer job. The solution surprised them: George negotiated three remote days per week, commuting only twice weekly with overnight hotel stays.

Both felt heard, neither felt defeated. The key was focusing on underlying needs rather than preferred solutions.

Related » How to help a friend who is facing marital problems

Frequently Asked Questions

Can two alpha personalities have a successful relationship?

Yes, absolutely. Two alpha personalities can create exceptionally strong partnerships when they learn to channel their leadership traits collaboratively rather than competitively. The key is accepting each other as equals and developing systems for shared decision-making. Many successful couples are both alphas—they just need different strategies than traditional relationships.

How Can Two Alpha Personalities Work Together in Marriage?

Two alpha personalities can work together by using calm communication, establishing clear roles based on strengths, scheduling regular check-ins, and focusing on win-win solutions. The key is channeling competitive traits into collaboration rather than conflict.

What are the biggest challenges for dual alpha couples?

The main challenges include power struggles over decisions, difficulty compromising when both partners are used to leading, and the tendency to compete rather than collaborate. Alpha couples also face issues with anger management, as both partners may react strongly when they feel their authority is questioned. However, these challenges are manageable with the right communication approaches.

How do alpha females and alpha males work together in relationships?

Alpha females and males can complement each other beautifully by dividing leadership responsibilities based on their individual strengths rather than competing for the same territory. The key is mutual respect—both partners must acknowledge the other’s capabilities and avoid traditional gender role expectations that might limit either person’s natural leadership abilities.

What communication strategies work best for strong personalities?

The most effective approach is calm, information-gathering conversations rather than heated arguments. Start by asking questions to understand your partner’s perspective, then share your own concerns without attacking. Avoid making assumptions and give anger time to cool before discussing important issues. Regular check-ins also prevent surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles. (Also read The art of marital communication)

Do alpha couples fight more than other couples?

Not necessarily. While alpha couples may have more intense disagreements initially, they often resolve conflicts more efficiently once they develop good communication patterns. Their natural problem-solving abilities can actually lead to faster resolution of issues. The difference is that their conflicts tend to be more direct and focused on solutions rather than lingering resentments.

Should one alpha partner become more passive to make the relationship work?

No. Asking an alpha to suppress their natural traits typically leads to resentment and depression. Instead, both partners should remain true to their alpha nature while learning to collaborate effectively. The goal is channeling those leadership qualities toward building a stronger partnership, not diminishing either person’s natural strengths.

Related » Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage?

Summing Up

Successful dual alpha couples like George and Julie talk together collaboratively. Living happily ever after is never easy for any couple, but cooperation matters. By calming themselves, asking questions instead of interpreting or assuming, and listening to each other’s concerns when there is a decision to be made, two alphas can share their family’s leadership in a way that enables the entire family to thrive.

This is an updated version of the article; it was first published on 17^th September 2017.

Last updated on 25^th June 2025

The post Two Alphas in Marriage: How to Make It Work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The business of being married is based on—supporting each other, being best friends, meeting each other’s needs, enjoying each other by being romantic and passionate, managing conflict, running a household, bringing up children, paying a mortgage and much more.

What you need is a strategy

If we look at the model of running a business, different people would have different roles, and more importantly, there would be a strategy. A good business runs smoothly, just like a good marriage does, on one condition: Everyone knows exactly what their roles are and happily fulfils their duties. These duties are based on a strategy.

The strategy doesn’t have to be complicated. Your strategy may include: Let’s talk every day [for at least 30 minutes] without distractions. Let’s reconnect once a week on an intimate date night, where we dress to impress, take the night off from cooking, and devote the night to enjoying each other. And let’s make passion a priority, so let’s go to bed early, more often, and make time to make love!

What is not working?

And of course, like a business, people don’t function well in their roles if there is tension. So we need to work out what causes the tension in a marriage—what is not working? So, let’s make time for serious discussions [meetings], and let’s have simple rules about these discussions. Let’s meet, let’s talk, let’s really listen to each other, treat each other with respect, and most importantly, let’s both get what we want and need from this relationship.

I heard this quote years ago: “Angel at work and devil at home”. When at work, are you being kind and considerate to workmates, giving out compliments and smiling all day? That’s great… as long as you keep up the charm when you get home. Or are you too tired to be nice or listen to your partner when you get home? Do you sit on the couch, grab the remote control, and ignore your partner? So what do you think happens when you want to be intimate? Well, I can imagine how this turns out? After 11 years of talking with married women, I have a theory about what I consider to be the biggest leg crosser in women. It is resentment! Resentful women are not enthusiastic lovers.

Let’s make time for serious discussions, and let’s have simple rules about these discussions

Resentments dissolve intimacy

What causes resentment in marriage? A lot of things: Unresolved anger [usually from ineffective arguing], living together but not connecting, not making time for each other, and couples who attempt to control the other, and not allow them personal freedom. A couple who respect each other, support each other, allow the other to have independence, and argue well [even often], very seldom end up with resentment.

Most couples who are experiencing marriage issues need a better argument strategy. So don’t be scared to argue, as arguing is a perfectly normal part of marriage. Simply ensure that arguments are resolved, issues are not swept under the carpet, and you avoid ‘sleeping on an argument’ or in separate beds. Yelling, name calling and long silent treatments must be avoided. Instead, own your feelings, and argue from an ‘I’ standpoint, without accusations. For example, instead of saying: ‘You lazy, good for nothing, slob! You never help me around the house, or with the kids!’ You may wish to say: ‘I feel really overwhelmed today, and I’d really love just a few minutes help. It takes time to change the way we interact, but it’s only a habit, and a habit can be changed in as little as 21 days.

So here are six tips for running your marriage as you would run a business:

1]  Use a strategy

Ensure that your daily routine includes quality ‘talk time’ with your partner, and your weekly routine includes date nights, time for passion, and family time each day, and on the weekends.

2] Have designated roles

To avoid confusion and frustration, ensure everyone has a role, and adheres to it. For example, you may be the cook in the household, your child may take the rubbish out, and your partner may help with the dishes. If these roles are well defined, tension will be reduced, creating a more peaceful household.

3] Effective communication of needs

If both parties are communicating their needs using ‘I’ statements, thus being assertive instead of aggressive, the home will be a happier place. For example, if one partner does not pursue their hobbies, they may feel restricted and oppressed, which could lead to a depressed state. In an ideal marriage, each partners’ needs are met in the relationship and in life. It’s vital that these needs are communicated!

4] Treat one another with respect

Just as you treat your workmates with respect and kindness, get into the habit of listening, caring and being considerate with your family members. Neither of you should ever swear, belittle, or raise your voice at the other.

5] Have regular meetings

To reduce the chances of resentment, communication must be efficient. If you need to discuss anything, particularly about needs that are not met, hurt feelings, anger and so on, schedule a meeting. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place, with no disruptions such as television or computers. Feel free to have a glass of water, a pen and paper, and take turns in speaking and listening.

6]  Conflict management

If either of you become angry, ensure you calm down first, before speaking. Schedule a meeting for later that day or night, and talk in a professional manner, using ‘I’ statements and avoid the blame game by using ‘you’ statements—stay focussed on your own needs, not your partner’s shortcomings.

Don’t become emotionally bankrupt. Use a strategy to ‘run your marriage’, stay on track and be happy.

The post Want your marriage to be happy and successful? Run it like a business! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Asperger’s Syndrome [AS] is a mild form of autism. Considered to be a neurological condition, AS affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions. Low-functioning children with autism often have a borderline or lower than average IQ and many lack verbal language. Higher-functioning adults are the reverse. Many of them have sophisticated vocabularies and IQs that are in the average to superior range. In fact, those with the more “invisible” brand of autism often thrive in academia and even become leaders in the fields of science, technology, finance, or engineering. But while their IQs are higher, their EQs are low. Their brains are uniquely configured to work with machines, data, facts and figures; however, they struggle to express their emotions or understand the feelings and needs of another person. While often successful at institutions such as IIT and MIT, they lack insight into how their behaviours and words affect those around them.

Take the case of Mitu, a woman married to Aman, a man with AS. Mitu came to see me for counselling because she was desperately lonely and unhappy in her relationship. Aman barely spoke to her other than to discuss their children’s homework and his parents’ ailments. And his interactions with their two children were confined to checking their daily homework. Mitu said that Aman had always been a loner and had no real friends to speak of. He also seemed overwhelmed by his job as a software engineer and wedged-out in front of the TV most nights, completely ignoring his family. Without conversation and physical or verbal affection from her husband, Mitu became deeply depressed. When she tried to speak to him about these issues, he would shut her down by telling her to “stop nagging and go see a psychologist” to find out why she was so unhappy!

Asperger’s Syndrome affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions

Life can become very painful for spouses like Mitu. Prior to learning about AS, Mitu had mistakenly come to believe that it was all her fault. Over time, she became increasingly depressed and when she tried to confide in close friends or family members, they would say, “What are you talking about? Your husband is such a nice guy,” or the popular, “all men are like that!” Only Mitu knew that her experience of marriage was traumatising and unusual. She felt exhausted and was beginning to have health issues brought on by stress and the complete lack of emotional connection with her husband.

Obtaining a diagnosis

The big problem right now is that the majority of doctors or couples counsellors do not know about adults with AS. Most would dismiss a spouse in Mitu’s position if she tried to seek help by saying, “Are you sure it’s not just a personality clash?” Or, “Seems like you might need to work on your anger issues.” Even if they met someone like Aman, they wouldn’t see that something is different or odd about him because they might consider that he has a successful career or a “normal” demeanour. Adults with AS can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled. Even well-meaning professionals might not pick up on the more subtle signs of their social awkwardness and lack of emotionality. When the professionals don’t see how the wife could possibly struggle in a relationship with someone who presents himself so well, they may attribute the problem to the wife and assume that she is lacking in maturity.

Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled

A diagnosis is best done by an Asperger-specialist who is experienced in identifying adult AS. In my work, I take a comprehensive written and verbal history of the individual. I speak with the wife about her experience in the marriage. I also conduct the diagnostic interview over a total of four sessions and observe how the person behaves and interacts with me during this time.

Reading about and understanding Asperger’s Syndrome

If you are in a situation similar to Mitu’s, and there aren’t any avenues of professional help locally, reading books and articles on AS and marriage can be the first step into really considering whether your husband has AS or not. Sometimes the husband is open to learning about the information that his wife gathers. He might even be relieved to learn that his brain is different and that he’s not a jerk. Alternately, some men resist the idea that they are lacking in EQ. No matter if your husband is open to hearing about AS or not, keep speaking to him about it when you feel like there is an opening. Individuals with AS can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone; my advice would be to not give up. Patiently continue to read and even get counselling with an Asperger-specialist.

Taking care of yourself

If your spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s imperative that you take really good care of yourself and prioritise your health, otherwise you may be at risk of developing numerous mental and physical ailments. This is even more so if you’ve been blaming yourself for the challenges in the marriage and if you have no other emotional support in the form of family or friends. You can also become aware of how your own behaviours may add to the conflict in your relationship, and learn to change some of the ways in which you interact with your spouse.

Strategies for coping with your partner’s AS

Many individuals struggle with mental health issues in addition to numerous AS traits. If you realise that your spouse is struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder [OCD], or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] in addition to AS, you may need to help her work with an AS-specialist around these issues.

If your spouse is extra sensitive to smells, sounds or touch, learning more about sensory sensitivities can be useful. Sensory sensitivities and a low EQ can often lead to physical intimacy issues, which need to be addressed.

Individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone

If your husband/wife with AS has difficulties picking up facial cues, vocal intonations, and body language, they might monopolise or struggle to initiate and hold conversations. You might feel frustrated, lonely and abandoned by their lack of reciprocity and communication. Therefore, you may have to deliberately schedule time for regular conversations and doing fun activities together. You may need to create calendars and schedules to help your spouse stay focused and organised as many individuals with AS struggle to manage and prioritise time, tasks and space.

Your spouse with AS may also have trouble understanding, predicting and responding to your thought-feeling state. He/she may unintentionally or intentionally make negative comments and do things that can come across as insensitive and hurtful to you. Expressing more compliments and positive observations instead of criticisms is something they can learn to do.

Asperger-Specific couples counselling

Couples often report to me that working with a counsellor who is unfamiliar with AS was unhelpful and, in some cases, even harmful. In general, it is important to invest in a couple’s counsellor who specialises in AS and has experience in working with couples since the dynamics of a conflict-ridden relationship requires not only a wise and compassionate approach, but also solutions to get you unstuck and moving forward. As an AS-specialist and couple’s counsellor, I teach both the spouses in the marriage about AS. I interpret their points of view and help them understand each other better. I also help them to implement practical strategies in their relationship. Without proper understanding and solutions, marriages where one partner might have AS can be painful and challenging, but many couples are able to improve their relationships by learning about AS and by finding the appropriate help.

A version of this article was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post What to Do When Your Partner Has Asperger’s syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sandy stated she loved Dan because he was a good man, but she wasn’t in love with him. She asked him to go to marriage counselling many times over the years, but Dan refused. Dan, on the other hand, felt the relationship was going okay until Sandy told him she wanted a divorce. He admitted he knew she wasn’t happy, but he didn’t think she was this unhappy.

He was emotional as he stated Sandy was his best friend. He couldn’t imagine life without her and he was willing to do anything to save the marriage. Dan was scared he was losing Sandy and now he was desperate enough to agree to therapy. Both were worried it was too late.

I see couples like Dan and Sandy all too frequently. There is a huge disconnect between them on the state of their relationship. How can Sandy feel so alone while Dan feels she is his best friend?

One thing 75 per cent of couples are missing in marriage

Divorce rates are an obvious focus when it comes to marital happiness, but not all unhappy marriages end in divorce. In fact, there is research that says only 25 per cent of all marriages are good ones. What do 25 per cent of married couples have that the rest are missing?

According to Dr John Gottman, a pioneer in the field of marriage research and therapy, the missing ingredient is simply friendship. Gottman also explains that friendship between couples means they “know each other intimately” and “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.”

Dr Gottman studied thousands of couples over 25 years and determined that the friendship between a couple was the core of a strong marriage. He found that having a healthy marriage wasn’t that difficult or complicated, but it did require a level of intimacy most couples do not maintain.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman states that couples in good marriages “have an abiding regard for each other,” express this esteem in many ways large and small, respect each other, and enjoy one another’s company. Gottman has also found that the quality of a married couple’s friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion.

What friendship looks like for women vs men

Most couples come to therapy because the woman is unhappy and lonely in the relationship but the men feel everything is going just fine. If friendship is the core of a healthy relationship, how do both individuals have such a different experience of the same relationship?

The quality of a married couple’s friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion

In my experience, this happens because of the way men and women experience and bond through friendship. Women know how to do friendship really well… with other women. They are very relational and conversational. Intimacy flows between women rather easily and naturally. But men do not relate to other men at this level of intimacy.

Women need more than companionship to feel close to someone. They need the exchange of feelings and thoughts. They need to feel as if someone understands them and accepts them. For women, intimacy means “into me you see.” It is a much deeper layer of relationship than most men ever experience, in part because of the way they were raised.

Men have had role models for generations who showed them that in order to be a good husband and father, they needed to provide financial support and stability. Women needed men to gain property, security and respect in most cultures, often sacrificing emotional intimacy for other physical needs. But as times have changed and women have become more educated and employed, they no longer need men in the same way.

As a result, women are now demanding more from the men in their lives. They require emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, men have not caught up with these changes as quickly. They are still showing up in relationships with the idea that companionship is intimacy. This is why women are much more likely to file for divorce than men.

Men create bonding relationships by doing things together like watching a sport, hunting together or playing a sport. There isn’t a lot of talking and sharing. Two men can “know” each other for years. They consider themselves great friends because they spend time together participating in that shared interest. And yet, they may not know many things about each other outside of that interest, but they will feel as if they are close.

Women need more than companionship to feel close to someone. They need the exchange of feelings and thoughts

Five actionable ways to work towards intimacy

• Set aside intentional time with one another each day to create a habit of carving out time for conversation.
• Husbands can ask specific questions like, “What do you need to feel loved today?” and “How can I help you today?”
• Wives can work towards giving honest, open feedback to these questions. Opening up to these questions and asking for what they really need will help bring intimacy back in to marriage.
• Husbands can stop listening with the intent to problem-solve. Instead, listen to what your partner is feeling and put your focus there. I promise it is almost always the right move.
• Both can phrase wants and needs as a request instead of a complaint. Inside every complaint is a wish. Drop the complaint and focus on the wish.  Complaining leaves no room for your partner to show up.

Dan and Sandy — Revisited

As they sat in my office, Sandy was skeptical that any real change could happen. Could she really love him passionately and romantically? I advise couples in this situation to give it at least six months to allow intimacy to grow. Dan took that time to learn how to relate to Sandy and communicate what he was feeling. Sandy worked towards finding her voice and letting Dan know what she needed and wanted. This work is not for the faint of heart, and it did not come with a simple flip of a switch. However, making time to work towards moving closer to one another emotionally led Dan and Sandy to have a close, vibrant friendship and a thriving marriage.

Going the distance

Marriage is often the constant re-balancing between closeness and distance. That’s part of the journey of intimacy. It is the responsibility of both partners to speak up when needs are not being met. Complaining is a great first step, but if it isn’t enough to spark change, go further. Seek out counselling even if your spouse won’t agree to come with you. If necessary, put the marriage on hold until your partner knows how serious you are. Staying quiet or withdrawing does not solve the problem. Both of you deserve better.

This was first published in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post The key ingredient that will make your marriage last appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Not long after we fell in love, my husband had an accident and his body took nearly a year to heal. I had to take care of him while he recovered. That was the first of the many curveballs life threw at us. Then, we graduated college with no job prospects due to the economic recession. I worked three part-time jobs, while he fell into a terrible depression that lasted eight months. We moved cities and continents, four times within three years, with each move more stressful than the last. We fought with our families—often.

Then, I had a death on my side of the family, which uprooted us yet again to a different country—an impulsive decision that paid off in the long run. After the death of this family member, I suffered from depression for nearly a year, while my husband pulled it together and started his career. While everyone else around us was travelling, getting married and having children, we were just starting out. We worked and worked, we budgeted and stayed home and, five years later, we were finally able to pay for our wedding—so at last we said “I do”.

Then I got pregnant and fell so sick for the entire nine months that I had to completely stop working. We had our child and the upheavals continued! As I reflect on the past decade, there have been so many ups and downs already that I wonder what the next 10 years will bring or even the next 60 years… Keeping our marriage alive through all of these external struggles has definitely been a test of commitment for me and my husband.

Making your own happy ending

The truth is that there is no such thing as ‘happily ever after’. Things like job security, money, family, death, anxiety, moving and health can all affect your marriage. To add to those, you will be going through moments of different personal interests and common everyday disagreements. Certain stressors can affect their behaviour and moods, and you never know how long these periods will last. So yes, sometimes it may be hard to be with your spouse.

I tend to look at marital problems as a way of life, telling me that a certain area requires my attention. If I am having a hard time with my spouse, I take it as an indicator that I need to work harder at my marriage by introspecting, ever so gently. Sometimes life shoves couples on a whirlwind, away from each other. And being married for life—it is YOUR job to find your way back to each other and reconnect.

Here’s what you can do:

Remember why you got together in the first place

Even in the hardest times, you must get back to the source; that is, the way you used to be in the good old days. Remember what qualities attracted you to your spouse, even if they are now shrouded. Remember why you fell in love with her and the beautiful things she used to do. Reminisce—together if you can.

Spend quality time

I once read somewhere that an average couple only spends seven minutes of quality time together per day. Work and looking after the kids can distract you from your bonding time. Take the opportunity to look for moments of your togetherness where you can improve your reconnection. This could even be as simple as sharing a meal together and asking your partner how their day was. Or, when you are going to bed, turn off all devices and just be there with them. Spending quality time is all about giving your undivided attention to your partner.

Physical touch

There is nothing like physical touch to unite a couple because, in tough situations, sometimes there are just no words to say. A quick kiss as you go out of the door, a hug before bed, or even just an old-fashioned handholding does wonders.

Date nights

Never stop making the effort to date and woo your partner. Set up a weekly date night like going for dinner and a movie on a certain day of the week and stick to it—don’t cancel, even if you have been arguing. Spending quality time together will reconnect you faster, and more frequently.

No ‘problem’ talk

Everyone will say that you should communicate with your spouse, but you shouldn’t overdo it. If you are having issues, briefly speak of them and then give it a rest, do not nag them about it. You should not pollute your quality time with talking about all your problems, all the time.

Take time for yourself

Sometimes the best way to take the pressure off your marriage is to spend time with yourself so that you could work on ‘you’. In a marriage, it is so easy to give-give-give to the other person that you unconsciously start to resent them. You also need to ask yourself what you are bringing to the table for yourself and take an inventory of your needs.

No marriage is immune to life’s strains. In a long term partnership, you have to be able to ride the waves in the good times and the bad. Then you can weather any storm that comes upon you.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post A rollercoaster called marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Remove clutter from your bedroom

Your bedroom should be a calm place where you can unwind. Clutter congests the energy of the area and a messy bedroom does not help to create a romantic atmosphere. If you want to get married or attract the right partner, prepare by getting rid of unnecessary items in your bedroom. At a symbolic level, this is indicative of you making space in your life for your partner. If you are already married, you and your partner should make sure that the space that you exclusively share [the bedroom] is neat and organised. This ensures order in your relationship as well.

Bed feng shui

Ensure that there is equal space between the bed and the walls on both sides of the bed. This allows the chi to circulate in the area. Avoid placing the bed in the corner of the room adjoining the walls. Beds with storage drawers underneath them are bad feng shui as they do not allow the chi to flow. Avoid having a single night stand; have two night stands and place them on either side of the bed as this helps to ground and balance the energy.

Colours of love

Pink is the colour of romance in feng shui. However that doesn’t mean that you need to drown your home in shades of pink. While painting the walls with pink does increase the love energy, if it’s not your colour, you can use it in lesser amounts like for accent pieces, carpets or cushions. Yellow, purple, red and white will also work to boost the chi of the place.

Avoid dark-coloured furniture and linen in the bedroom. Excess black, brown and other dull shades bring negativity to the room, hence they should be avoided.

Light the spark

A well-lit room exudes positive energy. Create ample lighting with a mix of yellow and white light. Light is the physical manifestation of the sun and its energy, so you need to maintain a balance with the lighting in your home. A room that is too dark can be depressing, but avoid having excessively lit bedroom as too much brightness will impede your relaxation.

Love stone

A rose quartz is a pink-coloured natural stone [also called the love stone] and is thought to augment the effects of love energy. It is used in feng shui to find and keep a partner. The energy of a rose quartz is said to heal one’s heart from pain.

Hang them near the windows, on the night stand or on the entrance door of the bedroom. To keep your relationship strong, use a glass bowl with two rose quartz balls touching each other.

Wearing a pendant, a ring or a bracelet made with rose quartz will make your partner more desirable to you and vice versa.

Flowers

In feng shui it is not the rose that is the symbol of romance, but the peony. It is used to keep infidelity away. To keep your marriage strong, place a picture of peonies on the wall just in front of your bed. Red flowers also revitalise your love energy.

Symbols of romance

To heighten your love chi, use a pair of Mandarin Ducks. These must be kept facing in the same direction and preferably near the head of the bed. Mandarin ducks mate for life, so they are used in feng shui to depict commitment.

Besides Mandarin ducks, showpieces of birds like swans, turtle-doves, love birds or eagles can be used since they too mate for life. Always keep these showpieces in pairs as this is symbolic of your devotion to you partner.

The endless knot is another feng shui cure that can be used near the bed. In Buddhism, the endless knot is one of the eight auspicious objects. This symbol implies there is no beginning and no end and it represents the harmonious flow of energy with no setbacks, misfortunes and accidents.

Heart shaped pillows, showpieces and flower vases are good for the flow of chi when used in the bedroom and surroundings.

Artwork

Decorate the bedroom, lobby and drawing room with photographs or paintings of dancers, musicians or couples. Avoid pictures of single people, desolate landscapes or any artwork that is melancholic.

The phoenix is the Chinese symbol of celebration; wearing an ornament with a phoenix or putting up a small painting of a phoenix increases chi. But if you use this type of painting, it should be red-oriented and hung on the southern wall.

Gifts

Never exchange gifts like scissors, blades, knives, tonics, kerchiefs or tragic novels as these are symbolic of negative energy.

Subtle feng shui

Attending marriage ceremonies, functions and festivals also increases love energy since they all symbolise happiness. The energy of these events then spreads into our lives.

One of the best feng shui cures to activate your love energy is the ‘Visualising Exercise’. In this exercise, visualise what you desire as if it is taking place genuinely. People may call it day-dreaming, but concentrating on a particular desire may also activate luck in that area of your life and often yields the desired results.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Feng shui: Love by design appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Identify the issues
• Set goals
• Implement strategies

Relationship issues can quickly become complicated, causing frustration through lack of insight. Many couples try but feel as though they can’t ‘fix’ the relationship so they emotionally disconnect or, in some cases, separate. This crisis time, however, is ideal for a thorough assessment. If you need help, here’s how to put your relationship under the spotlight.

1  Identify the issues in your marriage:

Think about your life, work hours, weekly activities, children and your stressors. When did things become challenging? How do you treat each other? How do you argue, and how often? Who avoids arguments, who becomes silent and who yells or intimidates? Do you notice any patterns such as: mother puts children first versus emotionally withdrawn father, spontaneous partner versus predictable partner, cat and dog couple [high conflict] or the highly competitive couple? Have you had an affair, or face excessive control or abuse? What is your sex life like? Delve into your childhood challenges, and also think about the communication styles you witnessed in your parent’s relationship? Is additional therapy needed for addiction, workaholism, parenting problems, grief, anger, post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] or mental health issues like depression? By ‘going deep’, you can discover the contributing factors in your relationship issues and equip yourself with specific strategies.

2  Set goals:

In solution-focussed therapy, counsellors use the ‘Miracle Questions’ to establish a client’s goals. Ask yourself: a magic wand was waved over this relationship, and it became exactly as I want it when I wake tomorrow, how would it differ from today? When asked, many say, “I would be happy.” Some want ‘fireworks’, and others say, “I would have romance, dating and be in love with my partner again.” Many clients say, “I would have peace. We would all get along well.” Clear goals are vital to success.

What are your relationship goals?

3  Implement strategies:

Irrespective of how complex your issues might be, there same basic tools that you can use to work on your marriage.

The 30 minute rule

Spend at least 30 minutes together per day—quality time—with no distractions such as computers, phones, children or work; enjoy being focussed entirely on each other. Often couples new to therapy have said, “We don’t have time for each other.” One client, when asked to write his life’s priorities down, put his wife 7^th on his list! It was no wonder his marriage was in turmoil. If your spouse and family are your highest priorities, then spend time every day enjoying them. This will keep you united, fulfilled, improve your sex life, reduce your chances of an affair and contribute to your happiness. It doesn’t have to be a chunk of time spent in one go. Spend 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there—spend time first thing in the morning with the family. You can spend time with your spouse when your children are in bed, and have your family time during meals—without the television. In short, become connected again.

Treat your partner like a lover—not a spouse

This step is magical! If you treat your partner like a prince, he will treat you like a princess—eventually. Every word, voice tone, facial expression and every gesture, impacts your relationship profoundly. This step is the fastest way I know to transform a relationship. Become your own editor. Listen, and actively change the way you interact with your spouse. Are your words loving, kind, attentive, compassionate and respectful?  For inspiration, observe new couples.

Stop finding fault and start praising

Many couples that first sit on my couch are filled with complaints. They have become in the habit of complaining about their partner to friends and family, and are viewing their relationship as a glass that is half empty. If you keep looking at your partner through these ‘negative glasses’, you’ll poison the relationship with negativity. Sure, in struggling relationships it’s only human to over-focus on the negative aspects. But this is not helpful because the negative simply flourishes. Make a list of your partner’s strengths and then focus on these. Based on the law of attraction, when we change our energy to positive, we attract more positive experiences—and our relationship is no different. It is astounding how fast a relationship can improve when couples stop criticising and start praising. I have seen couples who were separated rekindle their love and move back in together using this skill.

Manage conflict better

Some couples feel uncomfortable when I explain that arguing is good for marriage. If you don’t have good conflict management skills, and don’t stand up for yourself, you can easily develop resentment from unspoken words, unmet needs and anger that is not discussed. Couples who are not arguing often state they feel caged in, controlled or oppressed. Do you argue well? If not, follow these steps:

1. Don’t have discussions when you are feeling infuriated and your blood is boiling. Wait until you cool down and schedule a meeting.
2. Have this meeting before you go to sleep [as sleeping with inflamed emotions will only aggravate the situation].
3. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place with no distractions. You may use a writing pad as you both take turns in speaking and listening.
4. Discuss the issues in a direct manner. Use assertiveness techniques, by stating needs, wants and feelings from the “I” stance, such as: “I need…” “I want…” or “I feel…”  Do not blame your spouse. For example, instead of saying: “You make me feel lonely” or “You’re always working,” you could say, “I feel lonely” or “I need quality time with you.” In family therapy, direct communication is the most effective… so become direct.
5. Keep the feeling neutral. Do not yell, swear, storm out or become aggressive. Only argue when calm, to avoid nasty words and aggression that you may later regret.

You may need a little extra help assessing your relationship from either a self-help book or a relationship counsellor, to help you identify areas for improvement, set your goals and learn new relationship strategies. Using simple strategies works best to keep your marriage growing. Transforming a relationship from unhappy to blissful is achieved one day at a time, one positive thought at a time, with one interaction at a time! Don’t give up on love. Relationships are hard work, but when you know what to work on, this ‘work’ will be a lot of fun!

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Don’t give up on love in your marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The post 12 surprisingly simple ideas for a blissful marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are couples who may have met at work as employees of the same organisation, tied the knot and chosen to continue to work there in their respective positions. Then there are those who decide to do business together, or share the same professional space like doctors  or creative writers/designers. There are others who may just assist the spouse for a particular project in a limited capacity as an assistant.

Whatever is the case, sharing a work space with your spouse comes with its own challenges and rewards.

Challenges

Graphic designers Mira and Shyam started an animation studio together. He would negotiate deals with the clients and she would do the creative work in the studio. He would often ask her to redo the work saying that the clients’ brief was different and also pressure her to meet deadlines. She felt he was insensitive to her time and energy constraints, unappreciative of her creativity, and that he was having a ball at her cost, travelling alone to strike deals abroad and enjoying 5-star luxuries at the clients’ cost while she was at the studio doing all the hard work. Once when their studio received an international award, he went on stage alone to receive it and that’s when she decided to stop working with him, and do freelance work for other studios. She felt used and he felt abandoned.

Surita who joined her husband’s business to assist in administration and accounting while he focussed on expanding the business, took grave offence when he decided to renovate the office and allot her a cubicle at the back while he made his cabin at the front. She was offended that he did not give her the status of an equal and relegated her to staff and she stopped going to office. This took a huge toll on their relationship and their intimacy, and she moved out to another room.

John and Melissa got along very well as colleagues in the same organisation. They got married and continued their work in the same way. The arguments began when he registered himself for an off-site training at a beach resort but didn’t do the same for her, as he expected her to do her own registrations like she had done in the past. She took offence and assumed that he wanted to go alone and not as a couple. She viewed it as an opportunity to combine work and relaxing togetherness, but thought he wanted to maintain his single status amongst colleagues. She was also upset when he got a chance to work in the London office of the company for six months followed by a promotion, while she continued in the same position at Mumbai. This eroded their relationship, not only as a couple but also as colleagues. Their personal issues percolated into their work and both of them were pulled up by their superiors. They were told that one of them would have to quit the company, and that they preferred that Melissa be the one as her work had not been upto mark. Their relationship ended the day she quit the job.

Nina and Robert were both in stock broking and started their own firm with great enthusiasm. However, there was no agreement on administrative styles, staff matters, how to handle the client interface, the timings of work, and practically every area of the business. There were open and loud arguments at work and at home, without any resolution. Staff would receive conflicting orders from both and clients started getting agitated because they would have to repeat their instructions as they stopped conveying messages to each other. The business suffered, the relationship suffered and above all their children suffered.

David, an ad film director and the joint owner of a production house with his wife, unilaterally decided to invest in very expensive equipment instead of hiring it, as was previously agreed by them. This wiped out most of their savings. Subsequently, the equipment started requiring expensive maintenance contracts, while work was not coming their way, and the company was saddled with this ‘white elephant’ which was depleting their finances. This became a huge contaminant in the relationship. They dissolved their partnership and divided the assets, leaving him with the equipment and her with the office property. They were both bitter, with him seeing her as a fair weather friend, and she seeing him as a betrayer of trust in the relationship.

From the above cases you can see how challenging it can be for a relationship when the couple works together. The work-home interface can get extremely stressful if not maturely and sensitively handled.

The Downside

Let’s enumerate the downside of spouses working together:

1. Work issues are carried back home affecting emotional/physical intimacy as well as personal issues affecting work efficiency. Inability to get out of ‘shop talk’ even at home
2. Claustrophobia and no personal space away from each other [me time] especially if there are arguments, therefore no time to calmly process issues alone
3. Ego hassles on who has the final authority in crucial decision making at work.
4. Competitiveness and score keeping about who works more and contributes more to the profits.
5. Conflicting messages to staff, leading to confused and disgruntled workers.

Rewards

However, there is also a great upside to working with your spouse.

Gretta would crib about the limited time she had with her husband who was a television journalist—till she decided to intern in his research team. Once she saw the dynamism at the news channel office with crazy timelines, she was able to understand and empathise with him about his time constraints. She started snatching whatever time they could have at coffee breaks or accompanying him at important events as his assistant. It made them bond more and a mutual respect was established. They valued every moment they spent together, and the quality of their relationship improved.

Ashok was a surgeon and Komal was a gynaecologist. They had their own nursing home. They often assisted each other in complicated surgeries, and checked into each other’s patients during the post-operative period. They held the fort for each other if the other was unwell or busy elsewhere. So, when she was home with the kids, he would manage all her patients. This doubled their efficiency.

The Upside

The upside of working together therefore can be enumerated as:

1. Efficiency doubles as you can stand in for each other when you are from the same profession or when you know all the aspects of the business. It also increases financial security in the business.
2. No financial irregularities with your spouse, as s/he is equally invested in it as ‘our’ business and not there for personal gains.
3. Both being equally interested in the success of the business, both would willingly work hard and also understand the work demands, time constraints etc. and therefore empathise with the other.
4. Work and pleasure can often be combined while travelling for meetings, conferences etc.
5. New skills acquired by one can be taught to the other if from the same profession.
6. Logistical comforts like commuting to and from work together, having coffee breaks and lunch together at work, thus having more time to catch up and connect compared to other couples.

A Project for ‘the Project’

No significant relationship can survive healthily unless it is given a ‘project status’, and unless it is worked on consistently and maturely by both. Therefore, the work doubles for a couple [the project] who now works together professionally or in a business [a project].

Some ground rules for couples working together are:

1. Separate identities with clear role demarcations based on skill-sets of both, with independent decision-making within those roles and no interference from the other. Suggestions can be asked from and made by the other, but the final authority would lie with the one whose role it is.
2. Major financial decisions and any other big decisions in the running of the business to be made through a mutually respectful consultative process.
3. Separate and equal geographical space for both within the office, which gives a sense of personal identity and aids functionality.
4. De-clutter the work-home interface and actively de-link one from the other to give your best at both places. E.g. To and from work, hear some music in the car, plan a weekend break/holiday, discuss children etc. and actively avoid [or if extremely necessary then ‘timetable’] ‘shop talk’ at home, while also actively avoiding discussing home issues at work.
5. See your work as a manifestation of the team spirit of both, and an example of how well both can work together. Make it a collaboration and not a competition.
6. If there are intricate personal issues that require resolution, keep them ‘on hold’  while at work, and schedule them to be discussed only once you are home. Maintain the sanctity of both spaces.
7. While making work decisions, always ask yourself what’s best for ‘our work’ and what’s best for ‘us’.

This was first published in the May 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post A spouse who is also a work colleague appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.