When did you realize that dancing is what you wanted to do?

Terence Lewis: From the tender age of five itself, I knew it. I loved to dance and entertain people; I liked to see the happy faces of my family every time I would break in to an act. As a child, I picked up most of my dancing from watching dance moves on television.

You met with a lot of obstacles before you finally tasted success. What kept you going in those years?

Terence Lewis: My own inner strength kept me going. I faced hardships from very early on in life, but I think they were a blessing, disguised as challenges. They taught me to rely only on myself, be it financially or emotionally. Later, as my team of dancers and my creative team grew, they took my dream to an altogether new level. They too had similar goals as I. They are the true heroes who helped me realize my dream of making dance education accessible under one roof in Mumbai and also spread awareness about Contemporary dance.

Besides dancing, in what way do you love to express yourself?

Terence Lewis: Any form of art is a canvas for me to express myself… whether it is writing, acting, decorating or designing. I would say I am an artist in the true sense. But in whatever I do, I strive to excel, nothing about me is mediocre. And I cannot tolerate mediocrity even in others.

In dance reality shows, does it ever happen that competition kills creativity?

Terence Lewis: Well, it all depends on how the participant looks at it. When it is taken to an extreme where one is only focusing on winning, based on what the audience or judges want to see, then creativity could be marred. Yet, if you focus on the art and take competition in the correct sense, knowing that it is a challenge, creativity gets heightened.

Who is your inspiration?

Terence Lewis: I am inspired by almost anyone who is honest, hardworking and has a dream that he or she wants to see realized.

What are the values that you cherish most in life?

Terence Lewis: A never-give-up attitude is what I cherish the most. In addition, honesty and forgiveness are values that rate high on my list.

With your experience of being a mentor and teacher to many aspiring dancers, what qualities are essential for any teacher?

Terence Lewis: As a teacher, one has to be humble. You can never compete with your own students, no matter how good they may be. In the process, every teacher also learns something from his or her own students. It is always a give and take relationship.

Can you tell us about the tattoo you sport on your chest?

Terence Lewis: It’s a Sanskrit shloka. It’s about invoking the God within, to help one move from unreal to real, from darkness to light and from mortality to immortality.

Dancing is said to be the closest metaphor to God. Your view on this?

Terence Lewis: Every time I am moved by a performance or a piece of art, I see God in it. God is in the details and only a person who is close to God can bring out the finest points and the finest detailing. Dance unifies the dancer with the Universe… the Maker. When we give a performance that touches another soul, you know it is God’s message being conveyed to us.

What do you do when you’re feeling low, sad or angry?

Terence Lewis: When I am low, I do kriya yoga. I also read or listen to soothing chants or any audio tapes of Sadhguru.

Would you say you have discovered your life’s purpose?

Terence Lewis: I think we are constantly changing and evolving as a race. As we walk our paths, we seek to fulfil different purposes in our lifetime. For me, the search continues…

Finally, what are the lessons that dance has taught you?

Terence Lewis: When you dance, especially contemporary dance, in a way, you’re telling the world your story. And remember, body movements don’t lie. If you are tired, it shows. When you are exuberant, it shows. Like they say… Yeh joh public hai yeh sab jaanti hai (Public knows everything).

Dance has taught me humility, as a dancer or an artist, we learn that only through practice and perseverance can one excel in his or her art. And yet if you want people to notice your art, you need the best marketing and sales manager (smiles).

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A real education will not teach you to compete; it will teach you to cooperate. It will not teach you to fight and come first. It will teach you to be creative, to be loving, to be blissful, without comparing yourself to others. It will not teach you that you can be happy only when you are the first—that is sheer nonsense. You can’t be happy just by being first, and in trying to be first you go through such misery that by the time you become the first you are habituated to misery.

By the time you become the president or the prime minister of a country you have gone through such misery that now misery is your second nature. You don’t know now any other way to exist; you remain miserable. Tension has become ingrained; anxiety has become your way of life. You don’t know any other way; this is your very lifestyle. So even though you have become the first, you remain cautious, anxious, afraid. It does not change your inner quality at all.

A real education will not teach you to be the first. It will tell you to enjoy whatever you are doing, not for the result, but for the act itself. Just like a painter or a dancer or a musician…

There’s no virtue in competition

You can paint in two ways. You can paint to compete with other painters; you want to be the greatest painter in the world, you want to be a Picasso or a Van Gogh. Then your painting will be second-rate, because your mind is not interested in painting itself; it is interested in being the first, the greatest painter in the world. You are not going deep into the art of painting. You are not enjoying it, you are only using it as a stepping-stone.

You are on an ego trip, and the problem is that to really be a painter, you have to drop the ego completely. To really be a painter, the ego has to be put aside. Only then can existence flow through you. Only then can your hands and your fingers and your brush be used as vehicles. Only then can something of superb beauty be born.

Real beauty is never created by you but only through you. Existence flows; you become only a passage. You allow it to happen, that’s all; you don’t hinder it.

But if you are too interested in the result, the ultimate result—that you have to become famous, that you have to be the best painter in the world, that you have to defeat all other painters hitherto—then your interest is not in painting; painting is secondary. And of course, with a secondary interest in painting you can’t paint something original; it will be ordinary.

Ego cannot bring anything extraordinary into the world; the extraordinary comes only through egolessness. And so is the case with the musician and the dancer. So is the case with everybody.

Let go and be in the flow

In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says: Don’t think of the result at all. It is a message of tremendous beauty and significance and truth. Don’t think of the result at all. Just do what you are doing with your totality. Get lost in it, lose the doer in the doing. Don’t “be”– let your creative energies flow unhindered. That’s why he said to Arjuna: “Don’t escape from the war… because I can see this escape is just an ego trip. The way you are talking simply shows that you are calculating, you are thinking that by escaping from the war you will become a great saint. Rather than surrendering to the whole, you are taking yourself too seriously– as if there will be no war if you are not there.”

Krishna says to Arjuna, “Just be in a state of let-go. Say to existence, ‘Use me in whatever way you want to use me. I am available, unconditionally available.’ Then whatsoever happens through you will have a great authenticity about it. It will have intensity, it will have depth. It will have the impact of the eternal on it.”

Jesus says: Remember, those who are first in this world will be the last in the kingdom of God, and those who are the last will be the first. He has given you the fundamental law– he has given you the inexhaustible, eternal law: Stop trying to be the first. But remember one thing, which is very much possible, because the mind is so cunning it can distort every truth. You can start trying to be the last– but then you miss the whole point. Then another competition starts: “I have to be the last”– and if somebody else says, “I am the last,” then the struggle, the conflict, begins again.

I have heard a Sufi parable:

A great emperor, Nadirshah, was praying. It was early morning; the sun had not yet risen, it was still dark. Nadirshah was about to start the conquest of a new country, and of course he was praying to God for his blessings, to be victorious. He was saying to God, “I am nobody. I am just a servant– a servant of your servants. Bless me. I am going on your behalf, this is your victory. But I am a nobody, remember. I am just a servant of your servants.”

A priest was also by his side, helping him in prayer, functioning as a mediator between him and God. And then suddenly they heard another voice in the darkness. A beggar of the town was also praying, and he was saying to God, “I am nobody, a servant of your servants.”

The king said, “Look at this beggar! He is a beggar and saying to God that he is nobody! Stop this nonsense! Who are you to say your are nobody? I am nobody, and nobody else can claim this. I am the servant of God’s servants– who are you to say that you are the servant of his servants?”

Now you see? The competition is still there, the same competition, the same stupidity. Nothing has changed. The same calculation: “I have to be the last. Nobody else can be allowed to be the last.” The mind can go on playing such games on you if you are not very understanding, if you are not very intelligent.

To be competitive is ugly, violent

Never try to be happy at the expense of another man’s happiness. That is ugly, inhuman. That is violence in the true sense. If you think you become a saint by condemning others as sinners, your saintliness is nothing but a new ego trip. If you think you are holy because you are trying to prove others unholy… That’s what your holy people are doing. They go on bragging about their holiness, saintliness. Go to your so-called saints and look into their eyes. They have such condemnation for you! They are saying that you are all bound for hell; they go on condemning everybody. Listen to their sermons; all their sermons are condemnatory.

And of course you listen silently to their condemnations because you know that you have made many mistakes in your life, errors in your life. And they have condemned everything– so it is impossible to feel that you can be good. You love food, you are a sinner. You don’t get up early in the morning, you are a sinner; you don’t go to bed early in the evening, you are a sinner. They have arranged everything in such a way that it is very difficult not to be a sinner.

Yes, they are not sinners. They go early to bed and they get up early in the morning… in fact, they have nothing else to do! They never commit any mistakes because they never do anything. They are just sitting there almost dead. But if you do something, of course, how can you be holy? Hence for centuries the holy man has been renouncing the world and escaping from the world, because to be in the world and be holy seems to be impossible.

My whole approach is that unless you are in the world, your holiness is of no value at all. Be in the world and be holy! We have to define holiness in a totally different way. Don’t live at the expense of others’ pleasures– that is holiness. Don’t destroy others’ happiness, help others to be happy– that is holiness. Create the climate in which everybody can have a little joy.

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How are sibling rivalries formed?

Children, especially siblings, learn very early how to separate and identify talents, interests, and passions unique to themselves. Let’s face it; siblings are in a constant battle for time, attention, affection, praise, and acknowledgment. Rather than compete head to head, they naturally gravitate towards interests that lead them away from their sibling competitors.

It usually looks something like this: Oldest child is extremely driven, smart, and academic. Second child realises that he or she will never live up to first born’s achievements, and therefore pursues music, art or sports. If there is a third child, he or she sees that academics and extracurricular activities are spoken for and therefore assumes the role of social butterfly or jokester and so on.

It is common for children to begin to resent the very qualities that make their siblings unique, because they are perceived as threats to their own success. In other words, roles within the family are assumed and labels become an expectation.

It is common for children to begin to resent the very qualities that make their siblings unique

An impression is formed, even in early childhood, that in order to be valued and appreciated, the child must find something that she or he is good at that no one else can challenge. And while there is nothing wrong with children having their own interests and pursuing their own talents, it is important to help siblings appreciate and embrace what makes each of them special.

How can we overcome sibling rivalry?

Here are some practical ways to cultivate peaceful co-existence in children:

Collaboration on tasks

There is nothing more effective in helping children to see their siblings’ strengths than having them work together on a project. The task should be something that requires thinking, planning and execution. It can be explained that each child brings a unique perspective and skill set to the problem, and everyone must contribute. The tasks will need to be adjusted based on age-appropriateness, but an adult can point out strengths of each child throughout the task. “I noticed that Mihir thought to use the stick to prop that open, and then Samata’s hands were small enough to fit inside.”

Offering each child their own day of the week

Every child loves feeling recognised and special for any reason. Implement a ‘Child of the Day’ policy, where decisions and choices are made by that child. Not only does this give each child a chance to express their preferences and interests in a family setting, but siblings are not likely to resent participating when they have the same opportunity on another day of the week.

Options for the child to decide upon might be what activity the family does before dinner, what type of vegetable is eaten for dinner, or what TV show is watched before bed.

Implement a ‘Child of the Day’ policy, where decisions and choices are made by that child

Validating statements

Another simple way to encourage siblings to see special traits in each other is to have them share qualities about each other simultaneously. In other words, to recognise a strength about themselves, as well as a strength about their sibling. This creates a realisation that being different is welcomed, and each person brings a special element to the family. “I am good at football. Tina is good at roller skating.” Then Tina says, “I am good at math. Rashmi is good at dancing.”

Family experiences

Children need to be exposed to and taught principles of sharing, giving and helping. There is no better way to help children see the effects of cooperation and collaboration first-hand than to experience it as a family. This may mean volunteering your time together at an animal shelter, helping an elderly neighbour complete a task, or sharing your time and talents with others. Take time after the experience to talk about why those are values that you believe in as a family.

Clear discussion

One of the things that we often forget as adults is that children need to hear what we expect from them. Setting expectations and being clear on which behaviours are desired and which are prohibited is crucial, even though it seems obvious! A family meeting to talk about the importance of supporting and embracing the unique qualities that each member of the family possesses allows for a climate of cooperation to grow.

With a little creativity and some purposeful activities to encourage children to embrace each other and their special qualities, the days of sibling rivalry, competition, jealousy and resentment can be left behind. Cooperation and co-existence are attainable, especially when there are direct expectations and opportunities to practise those values. After all, we all desire to be valued and appreciated for the things that make us unique, and the members of our family are among those who can celebrate us the most.

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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While the phenomenon has its roots in concepts like the peacock tail effect in evolutionary psychology, the word “bigger” here doesn’t merely refer to size. It refers to a higher level of sophistication, forms of superiority and validation of authenticity of the spiritual experience. Apart from the base idea of one religion being better than another, this phenomenon shows itself up in multiple ways, especially in an age of ‘power yoga’ and ‘power spirituality’. These are just some instances in which you might see the spiritual competition manifest itself in the world of spirituality.

Signs of spiritual ego

The inner circle syndrome

In many ashrams or retreats there are likely to be one or two key spiritual leaders who are at the so-called helm of affairs. It is quite common in such situations to see some followers losing focus on their spiritual pursuit, while aiming to get closer to the Guru or spiritual leader. They want to become part of the inner circle — it is the spiritual ego at work. Demonstrating the typical spiritual competition mindset, there are some who even go to the extent of wanting to be the “favorite” follower or disciple. While there is nothing particularly wrong with this, it simply isn’t what a spiritual journey should be about.

The journey/destination conflict

In spirituality, there are several roads that lead to the destination, and many a times the spiritual experience is the road itself. There is an unsaid clash of different mindsets here. While one set of people pursue spirituality to get to a final point of bliss, enlightenment or whatever you choose to call it, there is another set that attributes more importance to the spiritual journey rather than the destination. Of course there is a third group that gives equal importance to the spiritual journey and the destination, or see no difference between the two. While there’s some truth to each of these mindsets, it certainly doesn’t establish the superiority of one mindset over the other. All it establishes is that people need to pursue spirituality based on what works for them.

The time myth

The time frame factor plays a crucial role in people’s perceptions of a spiritual practice. While there is no debate that, with time and preparation, one gets better at anything including spiritual practice, the duration is not certainly an indicator of spiritual progress. It is as if a quick path or easy access to a spiritual experience is not real or authentic. There are some who’ve had profound spiritual experiences in their very first attempt or class while there others who’ve had a life-changing spiritual experience after many years of practice. There are still some for whom a trek in the mountains or just watching children play in a park triggered a spiritual awakening.

Another dimension of the spiritual competition around the time myth is related to the time spent doing the spiritual practice itself. For example, many meditators see the ability to meditate for extended periods at a stretch to be more advanced than meditating for a few minutes a day. Again, it is one’s spiritual ego that measures and compares. Though it might require a certain amount of practice and ability to even sit in the same position for more than an hour, it is certainly not an indicator of the quality or level of one’s spirituality.

The experience trap

It is not uncommon in any spiritual practice for people to have interesting experiences at different points. These experiences could be anything from getting a feeling of immense peace, to stillness or even feeling the presence of god in one’s own way. What mostly gets missed out is that spirituality is beyond these experiences. Unfortunately, many individuals get sucked into or sometimes even get addicted to these experiences. Worst still, people even equate the nature of the experience to spiritual progress. This is nothing more than reducing spirituality to a mere set of experiences —a sure shot sign of spiritual ego.

A spiritual experience can’t be described

Many believe that a spiritual experience needs to be complex. No it does not. There are talks by some spiritual gurus that specifically state that if someone can describe a spiritual incident to you then it is not real because a true spiritual occurrence cannot be described in words. While an extended spiritual experience could be more difficult to explain than simpler feelings and emotions, it is certainly not a metric to measure the caliber of the experience itself. The fact of the matter is that it is perfectly possible for someone with a good enough vocabulary to explain the range of feelings and emotions that one has experienced during a spiritual trip. That does not take away from the quality or genuineness of that experience. On the other hand, it is also true that some deep spiritual experiences are nothing more than simple feelings like gratitude, humility, peace, love and togetherness, which are well understood by most people.

Worshiping the unknown

This is an extension of the previous point and a cornerstone of sorts when it comes to spiritual comparison and, by extension, spiritual ego. In many parts of the world, the whole idea of spirituality leans heavily on God, mythology and other beliefs. A belief is something that one has conviction in and takes for granted; something that is held as true, despite the odds. So the concept of belief is foundational to spirituality. Even with respect to spiritual experiences, our treatment is no different. When someone has a spiritual experience that is inexplicable, unclear and perhaps incomprehensible, it is given greater importance than an experience that is more direct and clearly understood.

For instance, when a person is involved in a spiritual practice and experiences a series of colors passing through their closed eyelids, feels a burst of energy from their gut and transcends into a space of peace and tranquillity like never before, it is treated as a blessed event—perhaps one that is showered on the person by the almighty and one that the person was ‘lucky’ to experience. On the contrary, if someone sits down for a spiritual practice but gets lost in thought, they think about their school days and school friends and feel great and light at the end of it, but it is treated as a daydream. This is also the same reason why an out-of-body experience is treated as a more spiritual experience than the feeling of bliss you experience while lying on your couch on a Sunday afternoon reading your favorite book.

In conclusion: Beware of the spiritual rat race

The truth is that no spiritual experience is better or worse. Driving a bigger and fancier car is no superior to riding on a bullock cart or vice versa. They are both different and have their own place in the scheme of things; the same concept applies to spirituality. To grow spiritually, you need to be one with the spiritual pursuit and experience. Stepping out of that and focusing on ideas, like the superiority of the experience and the tenure, takes people several steps back or at best keeps them marking time—they are trapped in  spiritual competition, which is just another form of rat race.

Last updated on 20^th October 2022

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