Co-dependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that co-dependency is learned in families and is passed from one generation to the next. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are co-dependent, this behaviour gets passed on to their children, unless they consciously make an effort to respond to their children in healthy ways. But since co-dependency is learned, it can be prevented and unlearned.

The problem is, like addiction, co-dependency is characterised by denial. This means you may not even be aware that you’re co-dependent and are unwittingly teaching it to your children. The most preventative steps you can take are to improve your self-esteem and communication. Some of the main symptoms of co-dependency are:

• Being overly focussed on someone or something
• Low self-esteem
• Non-assertive communication
• Denying or devaluing your needs, feelings and wants
• Poor boundaries
• A need for control

Children learn who they are and how to identify, value, and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus, how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. As parents, here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults:

1. Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organisations, even countries, is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Keeping secrets and creating ‘no-talk’ rules are common in dysfunctional families. For instance, children are told not to mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking. This teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged, not squelched.

2. Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously, which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth. You don’t have to agree with what they say, but listening to them shows that you respect them and this in turn teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism, which is destructive to self-esteem. Instead, praise the behaviour you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behaviour you dislike without name-calling or criticising, such as, “It makes me and others angry when you tie up the bathroom for half an hour because we’re all kept waiting,” instead of, “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to hog the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect, they will treat others with respect and expect the same in future relationships.

3. Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed to express anger, complain, feel sad, or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. Parents, often with good intentions, say, “Don’t feel sad, [or jealous, etc.]” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet. Feelings needn’t be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead, comfort your children and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. However, expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on them. For instance, Tommy can be angry at his sister, but it’s not okay to hit her.

4. Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting your children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting their boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries, as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back is definitely off-limits. This also includes tickling a child or hugging them beyond their comfort level.

5. Allow children age-appropriate decisions, responsibility, and independence

Co-dependents have problems making decisions and being interdependent in relationships. Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered, become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices, while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance. Opposite types often marry each other. They have an out-of-balance marriage, where one spouse takes care of the other, and both resent it.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for independence. Unfortunately, independence is confused with rebelliousness and so is discouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings, they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

6. Have reasonable, predictable, humane rules and punishments

Co-dependents often grow up in homes where there are no rules or the rules are harsh and rigid, or inconsistent and arbitrary. Children need a safe, predictable, and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, children become angry and anxious, and learn to distrust their parents, authority, and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent, and parents need to be united. Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment, think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable, which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children, allow them to question you, and have good reasons to back up your decisions. Research has shown that physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable, humane, and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

7. Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parent use gifts or not setting limits to show love, but that isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection, which are necessary for children to grow into confident, loving adults.

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Codependency occurs in families where one or both parents are emotionally abusive, where children are made to feel unwanted, unloved and unimportant. A parent that is an emotional manipulator is accustomed to getting their needs met at the expense of their family. In this atmosphere, a child learns to suppress their own needs and to focus on the needs of others.

Melody Beatti, author of Co-Dependent No More, says, “There are rules that you are brought up with in your immediate family, rules that prohibit discussion about problems, open expression of feelings, direct and honest communication, realistic expectations, such as being human, being vulnerable or imperfect, selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement might be.”

Lost value

Codependency sufferers believe that they do not have value. From childhood they were given messages that attacked their self-esteem. They were made to feel insignificant and their only value was in what they could do for others.

They are taught that love and attention are conditional upon the mood of their caregiver. Children born into this type of environment develop a radar system, which allows them to pick up on the body language, tone and other non-verbal cues of people. It teaches them when to approach, and when to be invisible. They are compelled to become experts at this, because their safety and need for love and attention is entirely dependent upon their ability to pick up these signals.

The relationship that we have with our parents is the prototype for the relationships we have in adulthood. Often, we choose partners that mimic the dysfunctional behaviours of our abusive parent. That way we are able to keep playing out the same scripts we learned in childhood, because they feel normal and familiar.

The relationship that we have with our parents is the prototype for the relationships we have in adulthood

This creates adults who are, in laymen’s terms, doormats—individuals who do not know how to love and protect themselves. They grow up to be people pleasers, believing that their only value is in giving, that they aren’t good enough, and that they are unworthy of love.

Symptoms of codependency

The symptoms of a codependent relationship include:

• Becoming romantically attached to dysfunctional people and becoming their rescuers and fixers
• Suppressing and neglecting your own needs and interests for the sake of your partner, to the extent where you have no identity outside of the relationship
• Accepting blame and responsibility when it is not yours
• Minimising and rationalising serious relationship problems
• Believing that you deserve, or become accustomed to, receiving poor treatment from your partner
• Having terrible communication skills; having problems speaking up, or voicing displeasure
• Passive and submissive behaviours; tendency to fear or avoid conflict
• Derive your sense of self-worth externally, often by helping or fixing others
• Have few or no boundaries
• Low to no self-esteem or self-worth
• Caring is to an extreme, too nice, too giving to the point of exploitation.

Breaking free

The key to breaking free of codependency is a multi-step process. It’s about teaching yourself as an adult the things that you should’ve been taught as a child.

Step 1 – Recognise the pattern. Recognise when people are using you and when you are giving too much, when a relationship feels like it’s draining you and when you are being treated poorly.

Step 2 – Eliminate toxic people from your life. You have to realise that you can’t change or fix other people. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness. This means knowing that certain people aren’t going to change and they don’t belong in your life.

Step 3 – Create and enforce boundaries. Boundaries are essential to having a healthy relationship with yourself. It shows other people where you stand on you. It’s your way of teaching people how you expect to be treated. It’s your line in the sand and it’s up to you to enforce it. Unhealthy people don’t respect boundaries. If you express your wishes and someone continually busts your boundaries, then it becomes your job to eliminate them from your life.

You have to realise that you can’t change or fix other people. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness

Once you’ve set the bar, if people continue to cross your line, it tells you all you need to know about them. These are things that may not feel natural at first, but healthy people know where their own line is, and they try really hard to respect and not cross other people’s.

Step 4 – Learn to communicate properly. Get in the habit of saying exactly what you mean. Stop hoping that other people can read your mind, or guess what you want. Practise being direct by saying exactly what you want and don’t back down when it comes to defending yourself, or your boundaries. Being direct and sticking up for yourself are how healthy people communicate. Codependents learn early to be quiet, and not upset people. But you’re an adult now, so you have to learn that healthy people aren’t afraid to say what they mean and mean what they say.

Step 5 – Start expecting more from yourself and others. If you’re codependent, you’ve probably had very low standards when it comes to the people you’ve let into your circle. If there are people that don’t add value to your life and don’t make you feel good, then it’s time to start cleaning house and opening up some spaces. Sure, making new friends is hard, giving up a family member might be difficult, but what’s more difficult is being the recipient of abusive and disrespectful behaviour. If you want a better life, then you have to have higher standards. Raise your bar.

Practise being direct by saying exactly what you want and don’t back down when it comes to defending yourself, or your boundaries

Step 6 – The final step is about self-esteem. It’s about changing the way you feel about you and seeing yourself as a person of value. Figure out what your interests are, what makes you happy and do those things and keep doing those things. Pay attention to your feelings. They are your radar system, letting you know when something is off track. Developing self-esteem is a process, a decision that you have to make every day. When you start to see yourself as a person of value, others will pick up on that vibe and follow your lead.

Fix your foundation

Leaving co-dependency is a journey. Trying to change the way you were taught to behave, communicate and feel about yourself is a difficult process, but it’s time to accept that what we were taught as children was wrong and unhealthy. As adults, it’s our job to fix our own foundation, because the quality of our life starts and ends with us.

Anthony Robbins always says, “Success leaves clues.” So understand that people have overcome this and so can you. Set your plan in motion, create your list of boundaries, raise your standards and get into the habit of expecting more from yourself and others. Practise feeling good about yourself. Take the time and put in the work, it’s worth it—because you’re worth it.

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