My Daughter Ran Away From School Too Often

There are as many reasons to run away from school as there are children who do it. It’s important to pay attention to school avoidance—it can be a serious cry for help—but truancy is not always as big a problem as parents and educators think it is.

One of my daughters—a curious, sociable, and energetic child—hated school from the age of three, when I enrolled her in nursery school. I worked from home, and she loved spending time there with me. She always had projects of her own that she wanted to work on, and she experienced school as a waste of her time. Her academic skills were advanced for her age, and continued to develop through pursuing her various interests. In kindergarten, she developed a bad case of ‘Monday Morning Sickness’—she’d be great all weekend, then fall terribly ill on Monday morning. If I kept her home from school, she’d be well by 10am, and get progressively ‘healthier’ as the week went on.

The details of my daughter’s school avoidance tactics changed as she got older, until she was truant more than she attended during one year of high school. This was terribly worrying for me, but I’m glad to say that this story has a happy ending. After many years of conflict between us, and countless attempts to find a good solution, she became an enthusiastic and successful university student. Finally, she was able to throw herself passionately into topics she found meaningful, at a depth and complexity she found challenging. Finally school was worth attending.

Understanding School Truancy

Is school truancy about a creative and independent spirit, a bad fit, or simply a cry for help?

In my counseling practice, I’ve worked with many parents who are concerned about a child’s attempts to avoid school, and I’ve learned there are many reasons for running away from school.

Running away from school can involve a bad fit between the child’s temperament or learning needs, and what is being provided at school, as was the case with my daughter. It can involve any one or more of a number of emotional issues, sometimes reflecting worries to do with family problems—divorce, neglect, economic uncertainty, illness or conflict at home. School truancy can also be a way to avoid having to do with social pressures, including bullies and problems with social skills. One solution is seeking teenage counseling, which provides teens with the tools and support they need to manage anxiety, stress, or other issues contributing to school avoidance

One of the most frequent reasons for school avoidance that I’ve seen in my private practice occurs when smart kids have serious learning issues, including attention problems, uneven skill development, learning disabilities.

School truancy issues are highly individual, and reflect particular circumstances. They’re different across children, and they also change over time, as kids develop. Some children run away from school when they’re young, but then later love it, as eventually occurred with my daughter. Others enjoy school when they’re young, but reach a point where they have no time or use for it. Sometimes kids in the latter category are going through a stage where they’re more interested in other things—social, creative, athletic or other interests—and sometimes they’re independent learners, and create alternative educational and career paths for themselves.

While sometimes children run away from school for a relatively simple and benign cause, other times it’s a serious cry for help.

9 Action Tips for Parents Whose Child Runs Away From School

1. Listen to your child

Ask questions, patiently and calmly, with the focus on understanding what’s happening. Try to look beyond this as a simple discipline problem, the fact that your child isn’t doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Let him do the talking. Listen actively to his answers. Try to remain open to what he’s saying, without judgement or criticism.

2. Do some soul-searching

Are there problems at home that might lead to your child needing more attention than she’s getting? Does she have worries you can help her with? Does she need help with social, emotional, or academic skills? Does she need more focused time with you when you’re not checking your phone or thinking about your next commitment?

3. Focus on collaborative problem-solving

Avoid anger and blame. Don’t stigmatize or punish, your child. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty. Look at the issue as a shared problem, one to address and solve with your child and others, including the child’s other parent, as well as teachers and administrators. Perhaps there are friends or family members who can offer some insight or help, a grandparent, sibling or someone else who knows your child and the situation.

4. Think about simple fixes

Would it help if the early morning getting-ready-for-school routine was made less rushed? Maybe you could get up 30 minutes earlier and have some easy time together before school starts. Would it help if the after-school arrangements were different? Is there anything you can do to smooth the end of the day for your child? How about if you were more actively involved in the school, perhaps doing some volunteer work on a regular basis?

5. Talk to the teacher

How does the teacher see the problem? What strengths and challenges has he or she identified that might lead to your child not wanting to go to school? Does the teacher like your child? When you’re in the school, does it feel like a positive environment for your child?

6. Think about an assessment

Your child may be experiencing a psychological or cognitive problem you’re not aware of, perhaps an undiagnosed attention deficit or learning disability. It can be easier for a child to run than to deal with a circumstance where people are telling him he’s not living up to his potential, where he’s working hard but not getting very far.

7. Look for signs of serious problems

There are many less serious concerns that lead to kids running away from school, but truancy sometimes results from involvement with drugs, alcohol or sexual activity. It can also reflect experiences of bullying and social rejection or neglect, whether from teachers, peers or both.

8. Be creative

Consider changing classrooms or teachers. Think about home-schooling possibilities [which can be done collaboratively with other parents, or as part-time supplements to school]. Explore reducing or increasing your child’s academic load. Think about giving her days off—maybe one ‘mental health day’ for each four or nine days she attends. For some kids, the fact their parents are willing to consider alternatives like these is enough to ease the strain they’re feeling and help them move toward a solution.

9. Give your child as much control over the problem as you can

Do some problem-solving together, and be respectful of the solutions he generates. Work with him so she feels ownership over solutions and a partner in your actions moving forward. Ask he what she thinks will help, and give that a try if at all possible.

Summing Up

Ultimately, school avoidance is not a one-size-fits-all problem, and it’s crucial to approach it with understanding, creativity, and collaboration. By listening to your child, addressing any underlying concerns, and seeking appropriate support when needed, you can help them find a path that works for their unique needs. For some, it may be a phase that passes, while for others, it might signal the need for long-term adjustments. Either way, focusing on their wellbeing and being open to alternative approaches can lead to a more positive outcome for both the child and the family.

Before you go…

You might also like to read » Why Children Lie and What You Can Do About It

A version of this article first appeared in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

The post Understanding School Truancy: Navigating the Reasons and Finding Solutions appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Thousands of kids skip school everyday due to the fear of bullying. Recent trends suggest that bullying has become more frequent and aggressive than before and is affecting younger children too. In addition, the viciousness of deeds increases with age.

What is bullying?

If your child is bullied, it means that one or more students are intentionally hurting her or him. Bullying can be verbal, physical, and emotional. The bullied child feels mentally tortured and pushed into a corner by his or her own peers. A few rogue school kids pick on their weaker fellows and frighten them into submission and all this is done for fun.

They might be getting bullied because of weight issues, the colour of their skin, being slow at sprints, lazy at math, an unusual speaking accent or family issues, which may be known in school. Bullying could also be in the form of rumours about the child, leaving him or her out of group activities or leading to breaking up their friendships, name-calling etc.

If not contained, the child can either go into a permanent shell or explode when the breaking point arrives.

Is my child being bullied?

If your child frequently comes up with excuses in the morning to avoid going to school, it could be due to fear of being bullied. Is your child coming home from school with mysterious cuts, bruises and scrapes? Is she losing her money, lunch box, pencils and other supplies? Do you notice any abnormal changes in your child’s behaviour? Any of these could indicate that your child might be fighting a silent and lonely battle with bullies.

What can a parent do?

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem. Most kids don’t tell adults that they’re being bullied, so the onus of getting to the bottom of it is on you.

Asking them the right questions is important. Instead of asking them why their shirt is dirty and torn, ask them if there’s something bothering them and if they’d like to confide? Be gentle and assure them of your love and protection, no matter what. If you suspect that your child is reticent about the matter with you, get a trusted adult to speak to them. Some children feel more comfortable confiding in someone who is not from the immediate family. Let them open up with somebody from the pool of people you know.

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem

Once you discover the issue, take it up with your child’s teachers. Be prepared for the possibility that teachers won’t know about it. Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished. That’s why, lashing out at teachers for not being aware is not advisable. Let them know that you wanted to bring to the administration’s attention what your child is facing. Let the teachers sort it at the school level, while you help your child at an emotional level.

If your child continues to behave differently even after your efforts, or if your instinct tells you that something is wrong, don’t think twice before seeking the help of a child psychologist.

Can I prepare my child to face bullies?

If children can be prepared for school exams and competitive sports, they can also be made ready to deal with peer harassment. Bullies thrive on the lack of retaliation by their victims. Your child can learn the right way to tackle bullying from experts who conduct sessions on the subject. Look out for these sessions in your city and sign up your child to attend them. If possible, accompany your child to the programme.

As an anti-bullying evangelist, I loved the Be a Star initiative taken by World Wrestling Entertainment where the WWE superstars have formed an anti-bullying alliance. They encourage children to stand up against bullying regardless of whether it happens to them or somebody else. Everyone who knows about the WWE will know how popular this show is among children. And this initiative has made a lot of children come out and raise their voice against bullying.

Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished

Can we put an end to the menace?

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised. So that the next time they see it happening at school, in the playgrounds, or at home, they are able to stop it right there—or report it to the concerned authority. Once enough awareness is created at home and school, and children are encouraged to speak up, bullying can end. On the other side of the equation, counselling the bullies about the consequences of their behaviour will go a long way in checking the problem.

As a drama-based therapist, I run anti-bullying programmes in various schools. Every school that I have visited reveals 4 – 5 cases of bullying on an average. A touching example came my way during one of the drama classes attended by children of standard five. In one of our drama-for-learning session, the students spoke about their experiences based on the emotions the activity triggered. While few of them shared their experiences, I saw a hand half up in the air. This was a boy who never spoke; he would just enjoy the drama activity.

Sharad [name changed], came up and started speaking. It was then that I realised that he stammered. He spoke about the excruciating pain he feels when his classmates and students of other classes tease him for his stammering trait. He cried. When he spoke, another boy raised his hand and came up to speak. Anuj [name changed] said how he was teased by his classmates for a skin condition called eczema. The bullies teased Sharad and Anuj because they were different in some way from others and therefore were not considered normal.

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised

Listening to their painful story brought tears to everyone else in the class—tears of realisation, of empathy, of love. This was a moment of catharsis.

In the next class, we spoke about ‘feelings’ associated with ‘being bullied’ and ‘bullying someone’. We exchanged views on how the victim can handle his emotions and not take the incident personally, so that it does not hamper his self-esteem. Surprisingly, the bullies of the class confessed to having bullied Anuj and Sharad. We then counselled them on the repercussions of bullying and the difference between occasional teasing vs. bullying.

Kids, at times do not realise that what they are doing could harm someone’s life. The child who is bullying is also having some unmet needs being fulfilled in an unnatural way. He, too, needs guidance and hand-holding.

A version of this article was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post The sensible thing to do if your child is being bullied appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.