Managing significant losses in our life can be a full-time occupation for a period of time, and we need to give it our full attention. The following five stages are not linear but cyclic. The grief of a heartbreak comes in waves but, with good awareness and self-care, we can become more resilient, more caring and loving for the future, knowing that the pain will lessen.

Let’s look at the five stages that one goes through while dealing with a heartbreak:

5 Stages of Overcoming a Heartbreak

Stage one: Grieving

1. A heartbreak is a difficult experience, so allow yourself to cry (yes, even if you’re a man!); tears heal
2. Exercise and move your body. It shifts stuck energy and creates endorphins in the brain that make us feel better. Even gentle exercise brings oxygen to the brain that improves our ability to see things clearly. While it’s normal when sad to want to stay in bed and sleep all day, make an effort to get up and get out
3. Spend time with good friends who will hug you and feed you nourishing food. You might want to avoid being alone for a while
4. Communicate, talk it out, particularly with a therapist. You need someone who will really listen, and not interrupt or just wait to tell you their own experience of a heartbreak experience, or minimise it, offer sympathy that makes you feel worse, or false cheeriness as in “think of all the good things you’ve got!” Don’t expect friends to be your therapists.

Stage two: Reflection

1. Have you experienced many previous losses? Unresolved grief can accumulate and become more painful. If you’ve never experienced this level of pain before, some of these coping skills are needed.
2. Identifying disappointments will help to point to our unrealistic expectations. Were we deceived or did we deceive ourselves? Or both? Did we not see clearly who the other really was?
3. In retrospect, we can see what we may have not seen, or blinded ourselves to, and be wiser for the future.
4. Avoid the trap of beating yourself up. It’s not fair to blame yourself for not knowing then what you now know. Taking responsibility not to be deceived in the future, however, is essential, and it’s very different from blame.

Stage three: Managing loss

1. This involves taking responsibility for our own emotions. No one can make us feel anything without our (unconscious) agreement. We cannot change what has happened, but we can choose how we respond
2. Avoid negative coping styles such as drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour or chronic distractions. Plan activities that are nurturing and enjoyable instead
3. Take time off if you can. Avoid burying yourself in work to distract yourself. If you have to work and/or have commitments to care for others, make sure you also allow time out to let yourself feel, to work through the process
4. Go away, if only for a short time. Scenery that does not trigger painful memories is helpful to the healing process. If you can’t leave, maybe you could change your furniture around or repaint the walls. Create a difference in your living space, to lay down new memories and new feelings.
5. You might consider a change in appearance—a new haircut or a change in wardrobe. It’s remarkable how different we can feel when we have a new look.

Stage four: Healing

1. Work out what you need and find ways to give this to yourself
2. Whenever you feel resentment, it’s likely because there’s something you really don’t want. Give yourself the choice of not agreeing to what you don’t want to do. You’ll be pleased with yourself for looking after your “self”. Resolve to give what you want to give to others only from a full heart and with complete agreement instead of grudgingly. This might mean adjusting from the compliance of “always being nice” to being decisive and assertive, while still being polite
3. Practise being in the present. Save pondering the past for therapy sessions, and leave it there, while you get on with what needs to to be done in your life now. It’s important to realise that until past issues have been resolved, we can be frequently triggered by seemingly trivial situations in the present, and react in a way that’s out of proportion. It’s an indication that we need to look at what is really being triggered. For example, Jana’s fury at the lack of consideration shown by a work colleague preoccupied her for days. In therapy, she realised this incident had evoked her resentment of the lack of consideration and appreciation shown by her ex-partner, and before that, by her father. As a child she’d felt helpless when disregarded, particularly when she herself behaved considerately. Once this was put into perspective, Jana was able to see that as an adult she was able to communicate more assertively and effectively. This realisation changed her childhood conditioned habit of accepting others’ values when they imposed on her own, to valuing herself as an equal. Her next relationship was more reciprocal, and Jana was much happier with both herself and her new partner, as well as being more valued at work.

Stage five: A new relationship?

1. Make the list. It’s a sign the grieving process is over when we realise we’re looking to the future and a possible new relationship. However, to avoid old mistakes, make a list of all the qualities you want in your ideal mate in the first of three columns down a page. Examples include: ‘kind’; ‘emotionally available’; ‘monogamous’; ‘in touch with emotions and able to express them’; ‘good communicator’; ‘financially stable’; ‘a considerate lover’ and so on. Then, down the middle column of your page, rate yourself on a scale of 0–10 on each of these qualities. Be honest and fair. If in any of these qualities you rate yourself 7/10 or less, resolve that you need to work on yourself on these. The reason is we need to feel equal to our partner, and if they are, say, 10 on some quality while we rate ourselves as 4/10, we might not feel we deserve them, and might unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Give yourself some time to work on what you’d like to improve. Six months to a year is not an unreasonable amount of time for this. When a prospective new partner arrives, see how well you can tick off the boxes. Don’t accept anything less than a great match
2. Make sure you’re ready. A relationship on the rebound, when we’re still smarting, angry, needy or in pain, is not likely to last. Ask yourself: Can you be comfortably alone with yourself? Can you fill your time with activities that are restful, emotionally nourishing or mentally stimulating? If you answered yes, congratulations, you have overcome your heartbreak. You are now ready to bring far more acceptance and love to a relationship, and appreciate what your partner brings, too.

The post How to Overcome a Heartbreak and Start Living Again appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Any habit has the potential to become toxic. Let’s look at some toxic relationship habits that are considered as normal.

1. Teasing, kidding or joking in public

At a dinner party, Ruby tells a “cute” story about something foolish her partner Jose has done. It’s intended to be amusing and, as expected, most people around the table laugh. However, Jose’s face goes red as he looks down, clearly embarrassed, and not without reason. The incident was something most people would have kept private. He smiles with closed lips and darts a look at Ruby, who laughs loudest of all, seemingly oblivious to the discomfort she has caused. Later, when Jose mildly suggests to Ruby that he was embarrassed and would prefer her not to share private things in public, Ruby accuses him of being oversensitive and having no sense of humour.

Sometimes it can be funny, even endearing, when a partner tells an amusing anecdote about us. But the above example indicates in the joke-teller a degree of unawareness and lack of consideration and respect for her partner. If this situation is repeated, the relationship eventually becomes demeaning and demoralising.

2. Constant texting

When they first got together, Jessica would text Ivan throughout the day at work with little messages of varying degrees of intimacy. At first, Ivan found them sweet and he would reply instantly. But soon, he began to find them as needless interruptions. He expected that the frequency of texts would reduce with time. However, even after months, Jessica was unable to go more than an hour without some sort of contact. And if he didn’t respond right away, her anxiety would escalate to the point that she couldn’t continue what she was doing at work and would have to speak to him. Though it was easy for Ivan to respond immediately with one of the pre-set messages, he found her texts tedious and intrusive. Worse, it had encouraged a constant neediness in her; besides, she came to expect his prompt response as normal. It was a pattern that made him feel resentful and guilty, and simultaneously more difficult for Jessica to outgrow.

3. Us vs Them

Whenever they came home from a party with friends, Leon and Frank would discuss other couples in a critical way, but made their own partnership out to be so much healthier. In the beginning, they did this to try to understand some behavioural patterns in others they found puzzling or annoying. But as this habit went on, it became a way for Leon and Frank to congratulate themselves on not being like that other couple. They’d created an alliance that made them feel safe, but they didn’t realise that such self-congratulatory behaviour blinded them to their own assumptions, prejudice and judgemental attitudes, which impeded their growth.

4. You know I can’t do that

Lucy said she was too nervous to learn to drive. She was also extremely anxious using public transport, meaning that her partner had to drive her everywhere she went. At first, he’d been concerned and happy to help but over time it became something she took for granted.

Disability aside, when one partner insists that he or she is unable to manage something most people can do, the other partner can feel forced to deal with something they’d not bargained for. It can be anything—from household or financial matters, to parenting, social outings or staying faithful. An unhealthy situation can arise that actively prevents growth, and is a way of manipulating a partner into taking more than their share of responsibility.

5. We’re soul mates

Most people found it charming the way Shobhana introduced her husband and herself as soul-mates. However, along with the image of soul-mates went certain requirements and restrictions that the couple accepted as normal. For instance, they had to go everywhere together, and if one was unable to attend a function, the other wouldn’t go either. It also meant that whatever one of them was feeling, the other was expected to understand without being told, and to feel the same emotion too. They somehow agreed that they never needed to ask the other for anything—generosity and sharing were expected. They told each other they never needed to apologise, because understanding and forgiveness were a given in this relationship. Inevitably, though, it became suffocating, and misunderstandings, wrong assumptions and resentment arose.

When a relationship involves this kind of energetic merging or fusion, any attempt by one of the partners to individuate or differentiate in a healthy way, becomes a matter of deep distress for the other partner. A co-dependent relationship such as this often develops from one partner’s neediness and the other’s need to be needed, protect and “fix” the other.

6. Gender role expectations

These days gender roles are a lot more fluid than they used to be, and shared financial and child-rearing responsibilities are common. But often couples fall into the expectations of fixed gender roles, whether for familial, cultural or traditional reasons, without examining their own personal values. When this happens, the habit of going along with the status quo can become something that hinders growth severely. This becomes further complicated in cases where the influence of an older generation of family members is a factor to be respectfully considered.

7. Parents first

Some partners focus so strongly on their parental duties that they forget to continue to cultivate their marital relationship. Your relationship can become toxic if the needs of children outweigh their parents’, leading to smother-mothering and poor partner role-modelling for the children.

A toxic relationship habit will often fly under our radar. It’s something we do automatically, without consciously choosing or thinking about it. What can alert us to it is the feeling of frequently being diminished or resentful. To create a relationship that is exciting as well as nurturing and fulfilling, we need to be in the present and be open to the challenge of pushing our self-protective boundaries. Being aware of our habits allows us to decide whether they are healthy or toxic and thereby enables us to make conscious choices—choices that will eventually help us to live a healthier, happier and more fulfilled life.

The post Beware of these 7 toxic relationship habits appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.