Asperger’s Syndrome [AS] is a mild form of autism. Considered to be a neurological condition, AS affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions. Low-functioning children with autism often have a borderline or lower than average IQ and many lack verbal language. Higher-functioning adults are the reverse. Many of them have sophisticated vocabularies and IQs that are in the average to superior range. In fact, those with the more “invisible” brand of autism often thrive in academia and even become leaders in the fields of science, technology, finance, or engineering. But while their IQs are higher, their EQs are low. Their brains are uniquely configured to work with machines, data, facts and figures; however, they struggle to express their emotions or understand the feelings and needs of another person. While often successful at institutions such as IIT and MIT, they lack insight into how their behaviours and words affect those around them.

Take the case of Mitu, a woman married to Aman, a man with AS. Mitu came to see me for counselling because she was desperately lonely and unhappy in her relationship. Aman barely spoke to her other than to discuss their children’s homework and his parents’ ailments. And his interactions with their two children were confined to checking their daily homework. Mitu said that Aman had always been a loner and had no real friends to speak of. He also seemed overwhelmed by his job as a software engineer and wedged-out in front of the TV most nights, completely ignoring his family. Without conversation and physical or verbal affection from her husband, Mitu became deeply depressed. When she tried to speak to him about these issues, he would shut her down by telling her to “stop nagging and go see a psychologist” to find out why she was so unhappy!

Asperger’s Syndrome affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions

Life can become very painful for spouses like Mitu. Prior to learning about AS, Mitu had mistakenly come to believe that it was all her fault. Over time, she became increasingly depressed and when she tried to confide in close friends or family members, they would say, “What are you talking about? Your husband is such a nice guy,” or the popular, “all men are like that!” Only Mitu knew that her experience of marriage was traumatising and unusual. She felt exhausted and was beginning to have health issues brought on by stress and the complete lack of emotional connection with her husband.

Obtaining a diagnosis

The big problem right now is that the majority of doctors or couples counsellors do not know about adults with AS. Most would dismiss a spouse in Mitu’s position if she tried to seek help by saying, “Are you sure it’s not just a personality clash?” Or, “Seems like you might need to work on your anger issues.” Even if they met someone like Aman, they wouldn’t see that something is different or odd about him because they might consider that he has a successful career or a “normal” demeanour. Adults with AS can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled. Even well-meaning professionals might not pick up on the more subtle signs of their social awkwardness and lack of emotionality. When the professionals don’t see how the wife could possibly struggle in a relationship with someone who presents himself so well, they may attribute the problem to the wife and assume that she is lacking in maturity.

Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled

A diagnosis is best done by an Asperger-specialist who is experienced in identifying adult AS. In my work, I take a comprehensive written and verbal history of the individual. I speak with the wife about her experience in the marriage. I also conduct the diagnostic interview over a total of four sessions and observe how the person behaves and interacts with me during this time.

Reading about and understanding Asperger’s Syndrome

If you are in a situation similar to Mitu’s, and there aren’t any avenues of professional help locally, reading books and articles on AS and marriage can be the first step into really considering whether your husband has AS or not. Sometimes the husband is open to learning about the information that his wife gathers. He might even be relieved to learn that his brain is different and that he’s not a jerk. Alternately, some men resist the idea that they are lacking in EQ. No matter if your husband is open to hearing about AS or not, keep speaking to him about it when you feel like there is an opening. Individuals with AS can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone; my advice would be to not give up. Patiently continue to read and even get counselling with an Asperger-specialist.

Taking care of yourself

If your spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s imperative that you take really good care of yourself and prioritise your health, otherwise you may be at risk of developing numerous mental and physical ailments. This is even more so if you’ve been blaming yourself for the challenges in the marriage and if you have no other emotional support in the form of family or friends. You can also become aware of how your own behaviours may add to the conflict in your relationship, and learn to change some of the ways in which you interact with your spouse.

Strategies for coping with your partner’s AS

Many individuals struggle with mental health issues in addition to numerous AS traits. If you realise that your spouse is struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder [OCD], or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] in addition to AS, you may need to help her work with an AS-specialist around these issues.

If your spouse is extra sensitive to smells, sounds or touch, learning more about sensory sensitivities can be useful. Sensory sensitivities and a low EQ can often lead to physical intimacy issues, which need to be addressed.

Individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone

If your husband/wife with AS has difficulties picking up facial cues, vocal intonations, and body language, they might monopolise or struggle to initiate and hold conversations. You might feel frustrated, lonely and abandoned by their lack of reciprocity and communication. Therefore, you may have to deliberately schedule time for regular conversations and doing fun activities together. You may need to create calendars and schedules to help your spouse stay focused and organised as many individuals with AS struggle to manage and prioritise time, tasks and space.

Your spouse with AS may also have trouble understanding, predicting and responding to your thought-feeling state. He/she may unintentionally or intentionally make negative comments and do things that can come across as insensitive and hurtful to you. Expressing more compliments and positive observations instead of criticisms is something they can learn to do.

Asperger-Specific couples counselling

Couples often report to me that working with a counsellor who is unfamiliar with AS was unhelpful and, in some cases, even harmful. In general, it is important to invest in a couple’s counsellor who specialises in AS and has experience in working with couples since the dynamics of a conflict-ridden relationship requires not only a wise and compassionate approach, but also solutions to get you unstuck and moving forward. As an AS-specialist and couple’s counsellor, I teach both the spouses in the marriage about AS. I interpret their points of view and help them understand each other better. I also help them to implement practical strategies in their relationship. Without proper understanding and solutions, marriages where one partner might have AS can be painful and challenging, but many couples are able to improve their relationships by learning about AS and by finding the appropriate help.

A version of this article was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post What to Do When Your Partner Has Asperger’s syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There is so much more known about autism now than when my son was a baby. If you suspect your baby or child has autism, it is important to get a diagnosis because the earlier your child receives help, the better your child’s prognosis will be. Parents who are not familiar with autism may wonder, “What is autism, and what does it look like? How do I know if my child has autism?” These are good questions to ask.

Autism spectrum disorder [ASD] is considered to be a neurodevelopmental disability, meaning that it affects the functioning of the brain. It is characterised by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and non-verbal communication, and restricted and repetitive behaviour.

Autism typically appears during the first three years of life and is thought to be four times more prevalent in males than females. Autism is called a spectrum disorder because there are vast differences in how individuals are impacted—from severely impacted to those on the more able end.

Seeing the contrast between my son and a room full of healthy babies, the paediatrician was forced to face the facts that some tests might be in order

How does one diagnose autism

At this point in time, there is no medical test to diagnose autism. Any diagnosis is based on observable characteristics, that is, the behaviour that a person is exhibiting. Because of the nature of the symptoms, ASD is sometimes difficult to diagnose at a very early age. If the child is their first, the parents have no experiences with which to compare. Seeing other toddlers and children develop differently, they may start to worry. Sometimes parents will talk to their doctor about their concerns regarding the child’s lack of verbal communication and eye contact, his failure to respond to his name, and his obsessive attachment to certain objects.

In many cases, a baby will develop normally and then start to regress at around 18 months. These children are usually easier to diagnose because of the obvious difference  in past and present behaviours which parents and professionals can attest from looking  at  photos, watching videos, and comparing observations.

There may be medical issues as well. Some children have chronic ear infection whereas others may show allergic reactions. Many have intestinal issues—either chronic diarrhoea or chronic constipation. Or a child may have constant rages and/or sleepless nights.

Because of the nature of the symptoms, ASD is sometimes difficult to diagnose at a very early age

Often the parents may be concerned because their child is a walking encyclopaedia on a particular topic [such as trains], plays obsessively in the same way with the same toy, or will eat only certain foods. Perhaps it is the kindergarten teacher who notices that he does not appear to engage in conversation with his classmates and has a difficult time with any change in routine. Or a child may be considered “naughty” at school because of certain behaviours, and perhaps the parents haven’t noticed anything amiss because he is an only child, or they think that boys mature less quickly than girls. This may be true, but it is better to be sure and investigate your concerns.

The doctor may be hesitant to jump to any conclusions, because not all reported observations are necessarily objective and they can be interpreted in different ways.  Everyone knows someone who was a late talker. On the other hand, a parent may not listen to concerns voiced by a childcare worker, a teacher, or a neighbour. This is unfortunate because the earlier the diagnosis, the sooner the intervention and the better the prognosis.

How to be sure not to miss signs of autism

My advice to parents who suspect their child has an autism spectrum disorder is to:

• Follow your instincts! You are the expert on your child. Often mothers know or have a feeling that something is not right with their child.
• Take notes on whatever behaviours [see below] are of concern by keeping a notebook or a document, listing the behaviours and their frequency.
• Look at the CDC’s Act Early website http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/index.html Check out the Developmental Milestones appropriate for your child’s age range. You may want to print it out and use it as a checklist. This will be useful when discussing with your paediatrician. Another good site with a speech and language milestone chart is LD online at http://www.ldonline.org/article/6313
• If you have any concerns, voice them to your family doctor. Bring your checklist of observed behaviours.
• It is better to have your child checked out than to lose precious time waiting for him to “grow out of it.” If there are local autism organisations in your area or support groups, they will be able to provide you with names of professionals in your area who can assess if your doctor does not have any to refer you to.

When my son was diagnosed at age three, I was told to find a good institution for him, and forget about him

If your child receives a diagnosis of autism

• Seek out early intervention. Early intervention is the best intervention!
• Find local autism support groups. Other parents may be your best resource for finding professionals and other resources. As well, you will realise you are not alone, and you will have found a group of people that you know understand what you are going through.
• Read to your child and speak to him or her as if he or she understands everything. They many look like they are not paying attention—but they are. By reading to them, first with picture books as a baby then reading more age-appropriate books you will help your child make connections and create a shared moment between you as well. When my son was asked many years later how he learned to read he said “My mom reading to me, and Sesame Street.” Yes indeed, many of us autism parents are indebted to Big Bird and his friends!
• Make sure you are seeking information from reliable sources. Just because something is published on a website or in a magazine does not mean it is accurate. Stay away from websites that do not clearly state where the information listed comes from; who or what organisation has created the website; and their connection to whatever products or treatment they are trying to sell you.

Take it one step at a time and seek only what you are ready to assimilate. Focus on the present. Learn what you can, that will help you today or over the next six months. At this early stage, if you try to think too far ahead, you may feel overwhelmed. Do only what you feel capable of doing, and read only what you are ready to digest.

When my son was diagnosed at age three, I was told to find a good institution for him, and forget about him. Instead, I found a way for him to communicate, and learned all I could about autism so that I could help him. Eventually he graduated from high school despite being non-verbal and severely impacted by autism. Although he still requires support, he is now an accomplished painter [see www.jeremysvision.com], is beginning to earn money and has a life he feels happy about. Never give up on your child!

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