Arrogance vs confidence examples

• Ignoring and denying any areas of weakness, versus accepting and admitting weaknesses
• Pointing out someone’s shortcomings, subtly or overtly, versus championing and supporting others
• Showing off versus possessing humility
• Making everything about competition versus making everything about creating value for others
• Needing to act cool versus being comfortable with who you are
• Being unreasonable versus being flexible and understanding
• Being commanding and dominating versus being assertive yet compassionate
• Often being unapproachable versus always being approachable
• Interrupting others, versus being an effective listener
• Swaggering when walking versus having a commanding presence with open body language
• Cockiness about accomplishments versus being humble around success
• Striving to always be right versus striving to find a solution
• Being constantly opinionated versus constantly being willing to listen to others’ viewpoints
• Obsessive about image versus taking pride in appearance
• Never admitting mistakes versus always being accountable to themselves
• Positioning themselves as superior versus viewing everyone as an equal
• Offering unsolicited advice, versus offering feedback when it’s requested
• Arrogance=Adolf Hitler versus Confidence= Nelson Mandela

T’ien-t’ai, a sixth-century Chinese Buddhist scholar, declared those in a state of anger as “always desiring to be superior to others”, offensively displaying self-importance and superiority. He stated that anger is akin to arrogance and may be described as frustrated arrogance.

The roots of arrogance

Arrogance is a deep fear of vulnerability. Many of us were persecuted as children by being made fun of at school or at home and so we grow up deeply insecure. The stereotypically arrogant person will always put others down, thinking that, if they do, the other person won‘t have the opportunity to put them down. I am a recovered ‘diva’, so take it from me – if you recognise yourself as having arrogant traits, do something about it. Arrogance stems from the ego, and includes a feeling of both self-contempt and contempt for others. Arrogant people feel the need to show you that they can do better than you. That they know more than you. They have an insolent pride and overbearing manner that often upsets a lot of people. That manner stems from deep insecurity, and a lack of confidence. They don’t value themselves and so they need to keep blowing their own trumpet. Arrogance is unmerited confidence. Many arrogant people display a type of shyness, because they feel that if they hide away no one will see their flaws, so they won’t be judged or criticised. However, they will always jump in with unfair and inaccurate criticism of other people.

Arrogance vs Confidence: How to spot the difference

It’s important for me to add that sometimes people who dominate the conversation are only nervous and not necessarily arrogant. Also, people might drop names to impress you because they feel insecure; it isn’t always because they are arrogant. The way to spot the difference is to look at whether they possess empathy or compassion, which only confident people possess. It is always helpful to learn skills to deal with arrogance because we can’t always avoid it. But in a social setting I recommend you stay away, as arrogant people can cause pain, especially if you get involved with them romantically. Be aware: if you question arrogant people they will react badly, don’t take their reaction personally, though, as it’s about their inability to control you.

So many people who lack confidence want to hang out with ‘cool’ arrogant people who are famous, extremely rich or good-looking and who use fake charm [which evaporates if you anger them]. Sadly these people are not achieving anything great in their own lives and are living vicariously through the other person. Arrogant people will get into character assassination behind your back, joke about people they really shouldn’t joke about, and lack empathy if someone is going through a hard time even though they may pretend to care. They themselves have been hurt badly in their past and, instead of resolving or addressing the issue, they hide it behind a mask. If they are rumbled, they deliver those old classic lines: “I was only joking”, or “Stop being so sensitive.”

It amazes me when someone who can’t sing to save their life or has never taken a risk criticises performers on The X Factor. They think it’s clever to be offensive and they generally have little insight because they are so wrapped up in themselves. The truth is that they like to control everyone which is a form of emotional abuse. If you have experienced this controlling behaviour when you were young you won’t spot it easily because it will be familiar, and, in a perverse way, comfortable, because it is what you are used to.

How Stephen moved from arrogance to confidence

“I joined a city law firm as a graduate and believed I knew more than the senior partners ignoring the tips and advice I was offered. I alienated many of my colleagues with my behaviour. I had been told as a child I was better than every one as they thought that was instilling confidence in me. I couldn’t admit to any mistakes which was where the problem lay. Five years on, I now see how being arrogant cost me so much, both personally and professionally. I am now a partner in a law firm; and having spent five years investing in self-development I now cringe when I see others play out my old behaviour.”

Stephen’s top tips

• Stop measuring your own value by externals
• Let go of the need to be right and to always have the last word
• Admit your own shortcomings to yourself
• Let go of the need to be superior

Uncovering the essence of confidence

The Tao Te Ching says:

To understand others is to have knowledge
To understand oneself us to be illuminated
To conquer others needs strength
To conquer oneself is harder still
To be content with what one has is to be rich

Confident people are rich as they have self-belief, open hearts and treat others with respect. Confident people accept themselves so they accept others as they are. Confident employers love having confident people working for them and people love being around confident people socially as they are so comfortable with themselves. Even an enemy or competitor secretly admires a self-confident person. In a relationship, the confident partner is aware of what needs to be discussed and communicates changes in a healthy way.

How to keep a check on yourself

• Develop a checklist to determine any shortcomings you may have. By compiling an inventory you will heighten your awareness and evaluate whether you are acting arrogantly
• Focus on clear intentions so you can contribute daily to your commitment to change
• Make a list of qualities you admire in others
• Focus on fixing yourself rather than fixing others
• Exercise humility and keep checking that you are on the confidence side of the “Confidence vs Arrogance” war

The post How to tell the difference between arrogance and confidence appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It is your speech. The words you pick and the style you choose to deliver them can make all the difference. They determine whether you love or hate, accept or reject, share or shun.

Your speech can trigger profound emotions not just in humans, but in any living creature. You may occasionally deceive humans with your false speech, speaking words you never meant, but animals sense your sincerity. When you speak sincere words, kindly and sweetly, the inner you starts to glow; you experience ace. Your relationships automatically improve and you increasingly find yourself surrounded by those who care about you, primarily because your speech and words can make them feel good, make them feel important, make them feel human, even divine.

Vedic texts categorise all emotions fundamentally into two types: positive and negative. When you trigger a positive emotion in someone, you get a favourable response. Such responses strengthen both you and them, they build your bond. As a result, love grows naturally.

The baba who lost followers due to his harsh words

The other day, a man in his 50s visited me from a far off place. It took him three days to reach the ashram. A simple villager from a distant state, he heard from someone about the place and said he could not resist the temptation to come and see me. I met him and he was elated. He had tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. This was our first meeting. He narrated a story to me.

About 30 years ago, a renowned saint was visiting a nearby village for a week. Devotees were expected to visit in large numbers so a stage with tents was setup. Community fire offerings to the deities and sermons were scheduled. So this person and his friend got on their tractor to visit the saint. Both were farmers and this was the only vehicle they had besides their bicycles. The place was a little too far for paddling so they chose the tractor instead. It was a very hot day, as if the sun had descended on earth. After navigating through the traffic, driving on paved and unpaved roads, a tiring 90 minutes and several kilometres later, they reached their destination.

It was already midday. Their lips were parched and their bodies singed from excessive heat. They longed for water. In their hearts, however, they were happy that soon they would be seeing the saint. They went to the meeting room, where a young monk, perhaps a disciple of the godman, was present. He seemed to have no connection with anything divine; nothing about him gave the impression that he had anything to do with self-realisation or God. Nevertheless, he was robed in saffron, so the farmers showed due respect and asked him if they could meet the saint.

“Wait here and I will go and inform Baba,” he replied in a cold and indifferent tone.

“Where can we have some water?” the man asked hoping to be pointed to a nearby water source.

“Water? It is on the other side of the ground. But what if Baba comes now and you are not here? Have it later after his darshan,” he rebuked, completely ignoring their sweaty faces and dehydrated looks.

The thirst continued

The farmers sat down and waited. They kept licking their lips, but there was no more saliva forming in their mouths. They really needed water, but they were here to quench their inner thirst, they reflected. After half-an-hour Baba appeared.

They prostrated before him and sought his blessings. The saint asked them all sorts of questions about their domicile, demographics, land ownership, which tractor they drove, and the rest of it.

“Baba, how come there is no one here? It is supposed to be such a big event,” the man uttered out of complete innocence.

“You think everyone is as stupid and dumb as you are to travel in this heat? Are they all idle and redundant like you to come in the middle of the day?” Baba replied in a frustrated and angry tone.

Pin drop silence ensued. All questions about God, all spiritual desires, all madness about self-realisation fled their very beings. They looked at each other, bowed before the holy man and left promptly.

They got on their tractor, did not bother to drink water and left that place as quickly as they could. On their way, the duo didn’t even talk to each other. They felt hurt and ridiculed. They stopped their tractor at a lemonade stall under a tree and got down.

It was 30 years ago and living was not so cruelly expensive.

They gulped down three glasses each of tasty lemonade and rested under the shade for half-an-hour and then had another glass each. They paid their dues and the vendor smiled. Everyone felt complete. The vendor even helped them to restart their tractor which had to be done manually by pulling a cable in one swift, jerky movement, like the old-style lawn mowers.

They did not visit another “saint” for many years after that. Verbal offerings of Baba killed their spiritual curiosity.

Two ways to express love

I chuckled while hearing the simple villager’s story, more at his simplicity and the manner in which the farmer narrated the whole thing; it was situational. He said, “Only if that Baba had uttered some words of love or care, we would have pledged our lives to him.” He stayed in the ashram for a few days and left peacefully.

His story highlights something profound: before all knowledge, possessions, labels, and attainments comes the emotion of love. There are only two ways to express love: with words, and gestures. Generalisation aside, everyone is tied to the language. You use words and gestures of love with them and they become yours.

Buddhist texts further expand positive and negative emotions into eight types, four in each category. And four out of those eight depend solely on your speech, articulation, and choice of words. If you can speak softly, without raising your volume, you can settle even the most violent disagreements; you can get your point across in practically no time.

Regardless of how serious, important, grave or complicated. The matter, all that is required to speak kindly is mindfulness, a gentle reminder to yourself about how you want to behave. If you decide to practise restraint and kindness in speech, you will experience and spread bliss. You may have nothing material to offer, you surely have words to choose from though. Pick them carefully.

Life’s greatest pleasures are in the smallest things, in priceless simple gestures and in sincere words. Express yourself in the kindest possible manner.

Tell someone today how important they are to you.

The post Om Swami on why the words you speak are paramount appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

While the phenomenon has its roots in concepts like the peacock tail effect in evolutionary psychology, the word “bigger” here doesn’t merely refer to size. It refers to a higher level of sophistication, forms of superiority and validation of authenticity of the spiritual experience. Apart from the base idea of one religion being better than another, this phenomenon shows itself up in multiple ways, especially in an age of ‘power yoga’ and ‘power spirituality’. These are just some instances in which you might see the spiritual competition manifest itself in the world of spirituality.

Signs of spiritual ego

The inner circle syndrome

In many ashrams or retreats there are likely to be one or two key spiritual leaders who are at the so-called helm of affairs. It is quite common in such situations to see some followers losing focus on their spiritual pursuit, while aiming to get closer to the Guru or spiritual leader. They want to become part of the inner circle — it is the spiritual ego at work. Demonstrating the typical spiritual competition mindset, there are some who even go to the extent of wanting to be the “favorite” follower or disciple. While there is nothing particularly wrong with this, it simply isn’t what a spiritual journey should be about.

The journey/destination conflict

In spirituality, there are several roads that lead to the destination, and many a times the spiritual experience is the road itself. There is an unsaid clash of different mindsets here. While one set of people pursue spirituality to get to a final point of bliss, enlightenment or whatever you choose to call it, there is another set that attributes more importance to the spiritual journey rather than the destination. Of course there is a third group that gives equal importance to the spiritual journey and the destination, or see no difference between the two. While there’s some truth to each of these mindsets, it certainly doesn’t establish the superiority of one mindset over the other. All it establishes is that people need to pursue spirituality based on what works for them.

The time myth

The time frame factor plays a crucial role in people’s perceptions of a spiritual practice. While there is no debate that, with time and preparation, one gets better at anything including spiritual practice, the duration is not certainly an indicator of spiritual progress. It is as if a quick path or easy access to a spiritual experience is not real or authentic. There are some who’ve had profound spiritual experiences in their very first attempt or class while there others who’ve had a life-changing spiritual experience after many years of practice. There are still some for whom a trek in the mountains or just watching children play in a park triggered a spiritual awakening.

Another dimension of the spiritual competition around the time myth is related to the time spent doing the spiritual practice itself. For example, many meditators see the ability to meditate for extended periods at a stretch to be more advanced than meditating for a few minutes a day. Again, it is one’s spiritual ego that measures and compares. Though it might require a certain amount of practice and ability to even sit in the same position for more than an hour, it is certainly not an indicator of the quality or level of one’s spirituality.

The experience trap

It is not uncommon in any spiritual practice for people to have interesting experiences at different points. These experiences could be anything from getting a feeling of immense peace, to stillness or even feeling the presence of god in one’s own way. What mostly gets missed out is that spirituality is beyond these experiences. Unfortunately, many individuals get sucked into or sometimes even get addicted to these experiences. Worst still, people even equate the nature of the experience to spiritual progress. This is nothing more than reducing spirituality to a mere set of experiences —a sure shot sign of spiritual ego.

A spiritual experience can’t be described

Many believe that a spiritual experience needs to be complex. No it does not. There are talks by some spiritual gurus that specifically state that if someone can describe a spiritual incident to you then it is not real because a true spiritual occurrence cannot be described in words. While an extended spiritual experience could be more difficult to explain than simpler feelings and emotions, it is certainly not a metric to measure the caliber of the experience itself. The fact of the matter is that it is perfectly possible for someone with a good enough vocabulary to explain the range of feelings and emotions that one has experienced during a spiritual trip. That does not take away from the quality or genuineness of that experience. On the other hand, it is also true that some deep spiritual experiences are nothing more than simple feelings like gratitude, humility, peace, love and togetherness, which are well understood by most people.

Worshiping the unknown

This is an extension of the previous point and a cornerstone of sorts when it comes to spiritual comparison and, by extension, spiritual ego. In many parts of the world, the whole idea of spirituality leans heavily on God, mythology and other beliefs. A belief is something that one has conviction in and takes for granted; something that is held as true, despite the odds. So the concept of belief is foundational to spirituality. Even with respect to spiritual experiences, our treatment is no different. When someone has a spiritual experience that is inexplicable, unclear and perhaps incomprehensible, it is given greater importance than an experience that is more direct and clearly understood.

For instance, when a person is involved in a spiritual practice and experiences a series of colors passing through their closed eyelids, feels a burst of energy from their gut and transcends into a space of peace and tranquillity like never before, it is treated as a blessed event—perhaps one that is showered on the person by the almighty and one that the person was ‘lucky’ to experience. On the contrary, if someone sits down for a spiritual practice but gets lost in thought, they think about their school days and school friends and feel great and light at the end of it, but it is treated as a daydream. This is also the same reason why an out-of-body experience is treated as a more spiritual experience than the feeling of bliss you experience while lying on your couch on a Sunday afternoon reading your favorite book.

In conclusion: Beware of the spiritual rat race

The truth is that no spiritual experience is better or worse. Driving a bigger and fancier car is no superior to riding on a bullock cart or vice versa. They are both different and have their own place in the scheme of things; the same concept applies to spirituality. To grow spiritually, you need to be one with the spiritual pursuit and experience. Stepping out of that and focusing on ideas, like the superiority of the experience and the tenure, takes people several steps back or at best keeps them marking time—they are trapped in  spiritual competition, which is just another form of rat race.

Last updated on 20^th October 2022

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