Waiting for Success

This is what happens when we chase success the way our modern society defines it. Such success is always relative. The “other” is necessary for me to feel successful. If I want to go ahead, there must be those who I leave behind. And the other too is trying to do the same.

Of course I pay a heavy price for such success. I gain money, fame, power and the contraptions that symbolise success but lose a lot more in the bargain—I  lose my health, my relationships, my peace of mind, my awareness and appreciation of nature, my ability to relax and allow life to unfold, my wonder and awe… all my real wealth. In fact, I would say I lose my very life because when I seek something, I end up always waiting to live, instead of living now. It’s a very big price for something so ephemeral.

A Different Kind of Neurosis

But wait a minute! My ego doesn’t think so. It is very pleased with all the possessions and acquisitions, and the sense of pride and identity it derives from them. It doesn’t matter that inside I feel like a failure because I have gained this success and yet lost the ability to enjoy it—like my friend Abhishek! If this is not neurosis, what is?

To different degrees and in different ways, we are all afflicted by the same neurosis. My friend is a mirror of my own desire; mine is not about achieving more but about making a greater positive impact on the world. Outwardly it seems like a noble intention but make no mistake—it’s just another form of neurosis, different in degree perhaps, but similar in its emphasis on “doing” and living in the future.

I can see that my conviction that some day I will finally arrive, feel truly successful and happy is an illusion, albeit a compelling one. Isn’t it absurd that even though I have no guarantee that tomorrow will come, I sacrifice my today in the hope that I will be happier when it comes?

Real Success Isn’t Pursued

I also understand that unless I change how I define success and what it means to me, my pursuit will never end. I will keep chasing and wanting and doing more—never realising that true success cannot come in the future because the future doesn’t exist, except in my imagination.

So what is true success? A wiser dimension of me whispers that it is the ability to be fully alive now. And it means to be aware of being alive. This is the awareness I need to keep coming back to, each time my neurosis threatens to take my life away from me. This is the anchor I need each time my attention moves away from living now to ‘waiting to live’.

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There are many things that cause stress to the body at a cellular level. Some of these triggers are:

• Eating with guilt
• Exercising too hard and too much
• Lack of sleep
• Improper nutrition
• Smoking and excessive alcohol
• Emotional turmoil
• Hatred
• Envy
• Anger

…the list goes on.

Take resentment, for instance. Did you know, something as small as the inability or unwillingness to forgive can cause immense stress to the body?

Some of this stress we don’t even feel as it slowly but surely eats into us, chewing away pieces of our being. Stress lowers and destroys our immune system, making our body vulnerable to infections and diseases. Weakened immunity is known to cause lethargy and fatigue, which leads to indigestion, bloating, acidity and a number of other ailments. Thus begins the cycle of popping pills, which ultimately triggers other health problems.

If we can identify our stress triggers and manage them with awareness, the whole game changes. Of course, we will always have some stress. Who doesn’t? But how we handle it can lead us to the road to great health.

Use gratitude to heal your life

Whether it’s a client with a life-threatening illness or someone who just wants to lose weight, 90 per cent of my job revolves around working with their minds. If there is any one tool that I swear by in the healing and counselling process, it is gratitude. This simple yet powerful phenomenon changes lives.

All religions preach the virtues of being thankful. Yet, in our hectic lives, we fail to find time for it. Gratitude is magical. Many books have been written on the subject of gratitude and the benefits it brings along. Most of us are relentlessly focussed on how fat we are, or how sick we are, or how much our knee or back hurts.

The cure is never in the pill—it’s in your mind

If you want to heal an illness, focus on everything else in your body that is working well and be thankful. In other words, take your attention off the disease and put it on everything that is working for you—you will begin to recover faster. Try it! Gratitude has no boundaries. It can be practised regardless of your domination, your beliefs, customs and traditions.

Life is full of positives, negatives and everything in between. By acknowledging your sadness, heartache, worries and fears with gratitude, you can flip on your positive switch and appreciate the good that you have.

The physical benefits of gratitude

Studies have shown that acts of thankfulness and appreciation

• Trigger more time exercising
• Lower blood pressure
• Decrease the perception of pain
• Improve sleep quality
• Encourage relaxation
• Lower depression symptoms
• Increase overall energy

In other words, by taking the time to show gratitude you improve your health, both mentally and physically, thus bettering the quality of your life as a whole.

Try this exercise

On a sheet of paper, list all the things that you are grateful for. Really feel what you pen down. If you are struggling to lose weight, be grateful that you have healthy legs to walk, run or work out with. If you have work stress, be grateful that you have a job or a business. If you have relationship stress, be thankful that you have people in your life who care about you. No matter what your situation, you can always find something to be thankful for. And that starts the process of healing. The cure is never in the pill—it’s in your mind.

Continue your efforts to eat clean, sleep well, and stay physically active, and then let your body do the rest. Whenever you find yourself stressed, worried and anxious, stop and count your blessings. Practising gratitude enriches your life and the lives of those around you. It also helps you focus on possibilities which, in turn, helps you achieve your goals in all spheres of life.

Gratitude is a simple route to get your life back on track, to gain back our positive focus and manifest your desires.

Most problems in life exist because we choose to focus on them. And we don’t just focus on the situation, but rather focus on the negative part of it. We get obsessed with our problem and close the door to the “big picture,” or the bright side of the equation. If you are consistently complaining about things, stop it now. This will automatically make you focus on the positives. Apply gratitude to your health and lifestyle and watch in awe as it transforms your whole life.

The post Struggling to lose weight? Try gratitude! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Being people friendly helped me get the position

I have been working in one of the most technical industries [IT] for over 12 years. I’ve observed and experienced firsthand how being able to deal competently with people gives you an edge. I’ve also spent the last few years deliberately improving my life. One aspect of this process has been overcoming my shyness. And overall, this has improved my self-esteem and self-confidence.

When I had a job interview in July 2015, I was a different person than in 2010 when I got my previous position. With my improved set of interpersonal skills I was able to navigate the recruitment process more effectively. My professional skills had not improved as much in the past five years, but I was able to impress my new employer with my new found self-confidence. I was hired for a team leader position even though I had no relevant experience.

This is the natural order of things. A job interview is a process too condensed for anyone to be able to check your knowledge thoroughly, especially when someone is hired for a technical position. Also, people from HR departments always have a say in the hiring process. For them, it’s important how a candidate behaves; how firm is his handshake, does he smile, was he on time and other such small but relevant details.

These assessments, and other, similar nuances during an interview have very little to do with how the new employee will handle his technical duties. You can learn from my experience: your people skills will multiply your technical skills and experience during the hiring process. This means that even if your technical skills are just ‘average’, you may make a better impression during a job interview than an introverted ‘expert’ who clearly feels uncomfortable in such situations. I can imagine that the importance of people skills only increases when it comes to non-technical positions.

But getting hired is only the opening of a door. Once employed, you show yourself to be a better worker, if your communication skills are better. Your people skills determine in a big way your chances for career advancement and a salary raise. Compared to an introverted genius, you simply know how to show up on the radar of your managers and how to conduct a conversation with them about a salary raise when the right time comes.

Here’s a handful of the most impactful people skills

Conversing

So many people have trouble with this basic human communication tool. Introverts—roughly half the population—like to be left alone. The other half of the population loves the sound of their voice all too much.

The most important conversation subskill is active listening: asking questions and listening to answers, instead of preparing your own lines while paying little attention to what the opposite person in saying. It’s great for introverts, because it’s less taxing for them. It’s beneficial for extroverts who tend to talk too much and think too little about the viewpoints being expressed by others. Conversation skills can be developed. Are you a shrinking violet [like I was a few years back]? Then begin by making eye contact and smiling at others.

Negotiation

This skill is part of not only business life, but social life in general. You can bully your kids a few times into doing household chores, but it is so much better to negotiate some ‘deal’ with them.

I restrict my teenagers’ time in front of the computer; their machines are password protected. They know that they have to keep order in their rooms, help with chores and do their schoolwork. I’ll only type in the password once they have contributed as we’ve agreed.

Persuasion

Many times there is no clear “something for something” situation, but you need the final output nonetheless. Persuasion is also a universal tool, for work, business and family life. People work much better when they are convinced they’ve chosen their path themselves and were not forced into it. A leader needs sometimes to exercise persuasion, but not manipulation. There is a thin line between the two and it takes empathy and emotional intelligence to recognize on which side you stand. A manager isn’t effective without being a leader as well. It takes so much less effort when people follow you willingly, instead of waiting to be coerced into action

Appreciation

Speaking of “working better,” do you know the number one motivating factor for employees? It’s appreciation of their work.

The same goes with parenting. I know all too well, that physical and social evolution has primed me to search for my children’s faults and correct their ways. It was natural in prehistoric times, when humans lived in caves and dangers were all around. If you didn’t protect kids from their mistakes, their errors could prove fatal to them. So pointing out their mistakes comes naturally to us. However, praising and appreciating them may require a conscious effort. This applies are work place too. Look for the good things in people and communicate it to them.

Integrity

Integrity is a private and internal quality, yet simultaneously it is the ultimate people skill that binds all the others. Integrity breeds trust. When people trust you, arguments are fewer, persuasion is easier and when you praise them, they know you mean it. Integrity is saying what you think, and doing what you say. It’s very easy to start cultivating it, even if you have zero inclination to be social. You don’t need to reach out to others, either; integrity starts in your own bubble.

Keep your promises, especially those made to yourself. Let your actions follow your declarations. You don’t need to toot your own horn; people notice integrity when it shows up.

Conclusion

If you want to develop people skills, start studying them. And then dedicate yourself to practice. It’s well worth the effort.

The post Do you have these 5 essential people skills? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Unfortunately, even though there’s research to suggest this, what most of us experience as employees is much different. Even though 80 – 90 per cent of organisations have some form of employee recognition programme, the levels of job satisfaction have declined, and negative, even toxic, workplaces are increasing. Why?

One foundational reason is that most employees receive little positive feedback regarding their contributions. “If I do my work well and complete it on time, I don’t hear anything. In fact, the silence is deafening,” reported one accountant. “But,” he continued, “if I make a mistake, they let me know about it immediately.”

Secondly, the recognition communicated is generally perceived as impersonal, contrived and inauthentic. “Way to go!” “Good work!” “You all are doing a great job!”—all are common phrases used by supervisors. But they communicate little value to the individual who stayed late to get the data entered for today’s report.

Emotional wellbeing and relational health

Communicating authentic appreciation [as opposed to “going through the motions” employee recognition activities] leads to a greater sense of emotional wellbeing for individual team members and relational health for workplace relationships.

Emotional wellbeing: When team members learn how to communicate authentic appreciation for one another’s contributions, the individual employees begin to develop a more positive view of themselves, their abilities and their contributions to the organisation. Additionally, a sense of wellbeing grows from being supportive and encouraging of others, by celebrating others’ strengths and accomplishments, as well as receiving praise for your efforts.

Relational health: When individuals feel truly valued and appreciated, we get along better with others. We become less irritable, less easily offended, and more gracious in relating to others. Also, a greater sense of connectedness and camaraderie develops when colleagues can genuinely communicate how much they value their co-workers.

Communicating authentic appreciation

One foundational concept is to understand that not everyone feels appreciated [or supported] in the same ways. For some, a word of encouragement is meaningful. For others, “words are cheap” and they feel valued when others choose to spend time with them. We have found that there are five languages of appreciation used in the workplace, and that the languages are valid across cultures [although the individual actions within each language varies from culture to culture].

Core conditions for staff to truly feel appreciated

Four core conditions have been identified that need to be present in order for employees to truly feel appreciated [which differs from recognition just being communicated]. Team members will feel valued when appreciation is communicated:

Regularly. What is “regularly’’? It varies depending on the work setting, the frequency of interaction between co-workers, and the nature of the relationship. However, “regularly” clearly implies more than once a year at an employee’s performance review, or when someone receives the “Staff Member of the Month” award.

Utilising the “language” and actions important to the recipient. The key word is “recipient”. Most of us tend to communicate appreciation to others through the actions which we value—like giving a verbal compliment or sending an email. But not everyone feels appreciated in the same ways. Some people appreciate words of affirmation, while others are encouraged when someone helps them with a task. Spending time is another way to demonstrate support, like stopping by a colleague’s office to see how they are doing or bringing a colleague a cup of coffee when you know they’ve had a long day. Even a “high five” or a “fist bump” can be a form of celebration when a difficult project has been completed.

In a way that is personal and individualised. While group-based recognition is a good start [“Way to go, team. Our client satisfaction ratings improved significantly last quarter.”], if the appreciation doesn’t relate to what the individual team member did to help achieve the goal, the communication can fall flat. Team members want to know that what they have done is valued—that you are aware and appreciate that they stayed late after the special marketing event to help clean up.

In a manner that is perceived as genuine and authentic. If the communication of appreciation is not perceived as being genuine, nothing else really matters. Actions of recognition can appear inauthentic when:

• the actions suddenly appear after implementation of a training session on employee appreciation
• a person’s tone of voice, posture, or facial expressions don’t seem to match what they are saying
• how a person relates to you in front of others differs from how they interact with you privately
• the individual has a history of “saying one thing and doing another”
• there is an overall question of the motivation of the deliverer—do they have an ulterior motive?

There are other potential factors that undermine perceived authenticity, but these are some of the most common mentioned.

Improving individuals’ emotional health and relational wellness is a realistic goal to pursue. Beneficial results happen when individuals feel truly valued and appreciated for their contributions: employee relationships are less tense, communication becomes more positive, policies and procedures are followed more, staff turnover decreases, and managers report enjoying their work more. Clearly, when supervisors and colleagues begin to communicate appreciation in ways that are important to the recipients, encouraging results are not far away.

The post Are you doing this one thing for your team’s morale? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What surprised us was that in less than a week after the accident, post a partial hip replacement surgery, he was back on his feet again. We couldn’t help compare his healing to that of the lady in the same room as my husband. She was having an elective surgery, but both before and after the process she and her family grumbled and complained about the doctors, the nurses, the insurance company and everyone else. Nothing seemed to be going well for her and having had a surgery the same day as my husband, she was still confined to bed, when my husband was discharged. We experienced, what I believe is, the power of gratitude on the process of healing.

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some.”
— Charles Dickens

Gratitude Enhances Feelings of Wellbeing

The effect of gratitude on health is one of the aspects of studies undertaken by Dr Robert A Emmons and his colleagues at the University of California, Davis, USA. They encouraged people to cultivate the habit of gratitude in a systematic manner by keeping a record of all they were grateful for in Gratitude Journals. Studying more than a thousand people between the age groups of 8 to 80, Dr Emmons found that those who practice gratitude on a regular basis seem to enjoy a better sense of wellbeing.

Looking at life with gratitude helps us to be more positive and upbeat. Gratitude is, first and foremost, an acknowledgement of what is good in our life. It helps us to focus on all we have and all we receive, rather than on the negative things happening to us and around us. This attitude does not make our problems and complaints disappear. But they seem to get overshadowed by our awareness of all the goodness we enjoy.

Since gratitude creates a feeling of wellbeing, grateful people tend to feel better about themselves and as a result take better care of their health. They exercise more, eat healthier, sleep longer and feel more refreshed when they wake up.

Dr Emmon’s study found that people who practise gratitude consistently also have stronger immune systems, are less troubled by aches and pains and have a low blood pressure.

Related » The infinite power of gratitude

Gratitude Helps Us Lose Our Sense of Entitlement

Our appreciation of the value of all we have and all we receive from others tends to keep at bay the negative emotions like envy, mistrust, regret. A study by psychologist Alex Wood conducted in 2008 shows that cultivating gratitude can help to reduce the frequency of episodes of depression.

Gratitude about life and its goodness helps us to have a better acceptance of life and all it brings. No longer do we feel that life is all about ‘getting what we deserve’. We lose our sense of entitlement, which contradicts gratitude. This helps us to be better prepared to meet adversity and misfortune when it comes our way. We are able to take everything in our stride and, consequently, become less anxious.

“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.”
— Bertrand Russell

How to Cultivate the Habit of Being Grateful

Before you can unleash the power of gratitude in your life, you must cultivate it. Here are some simple way you can achieve this:

1. Decide to practice gratitude

Make a promise to yourself that you will be grateful. You could simply write, “I promise to be aware of and thankful for all I have” or “I will count my blessings every day.”

2. Keep a gratitude journal

While there are printed and structured Gratitude Journals available, a simple notebook in which you list out all the things you are grateful for each day, will do just as well. Make time every day for this ritual and watch your
list grow!

3. Recite prayers of gratitude

Most religious traditions include prayers of gratitude. Learn a few that appeal to you and recite them through the day. You can even create your own gratitude mantra.

4. Mind your language

Words and phrases like ‘if only…’ ‘I wish….’ which express regret and a need to change the situation, should make way for words like ‘blessings’, ‘fortunate’, ‘gifts’, which show an acceptance with gratitude of all things and circumstances.

5. Make sure you thank people

Take time to thank the significant people in your life and even those we tend to forget. A simple thank you to a lift attendant or a driver, costs us nothing, but makes a world of difference to them, and to us.

6. Take time to smell the roses

Our senses—smell, taste, touch, sight and hearing—help us to better appreciate the world around us. When we make time to savour a good meal, or listen to good music, or literally smell the roses, it heightens our awareness of all we take for granted on a daily basis.

Gratitude takes practice but it is certainly worth the effort to start being grateful, for it has such a powerful impact on our wellbeing.

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