“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Watching our children begin their incipient pursuit of love could be a source of tremendous delight, and stir pleasant memories of our own first, fumbling but exhilarating steps in the direction of the courtship that may have ultimately led to our children’s existence. Necessary as it is for teenagers to forge an enduring relationship with a loved one, the process of discovering healthy intimacy is generally a long, and sometimes harrowing, one, often comprised of one or more relationships that do not appear to be quite as healthy as caring parents would like them to be. With this in mind, it is helpful for parents to have a blueprint on hand regarding how to make sense of, and intelligently discuss, their teenagers’ relational matters, particularly if warning signs begin to reveal themselves.

Is the relationship a constructive one?

One place to start is by constructing a working definition of what characterises a loving relationship. As we all know [and may very well remember!], most teenagers who are in a romantic relationship, even one that appears to be nothing more than a superficial infatuation, will steadfastly insist that they are “really in love”. And it is invariably impossible to argue with a young adult out of this position—nor is it generally necessary to do so. Unless, of course, the relationship is a troubled one and seems to be creating more problems than it is solving for one or both of its constituents.

With this in mind, I often advise parents to explain to young lovebirds that a truly mature relationship is one in which both partners value each other, and are showing evidence of thriving as a result of valuing each other. For example, if two young romantic partners are not only treating each other well, but also their friends and family members, that is an indication that their bond is indeed a meaningful one. If they display enthusiasm for important endeavours such as academics and hobbies, and a good-natured, generous spirit when it comes to completing their responsibilities, that too, should be an indication of a constructive partnership. If, on the other hand, one or both partners seem more irritable than engaged, more contentious than cooperative, more distracted than focussed, then we, as parents, have the legitimacy to dispute their insistence that they are “in love” and encourage them to question their affection for each other.

We all yearn to be part of our children’s lives, but that yearning becomes increasingly unrequited and unanswered as they grow into adolescence

Missing the adulation that was once ours

Teenagers’ romantic unfolding is often a challenge for parents not only because we worry about the direction their relationship is moving in and the impact that it will have on their future, but also because it is a reminder of our own mortality. Nothing nudges us more forcefully into the twilight of insignificance than seeing the adulation that used to be directed our way now being directed towards someone else. We all yearn to be part of our children’s lives, but that yearning becomes increasingly unrequited and unanswered as they grow into adolescence.

Similarly, I have seen many parents take an inappropriately harsh stand against their child’s nascent romance because it reminds them of the romance that they no longer feel, either because they are alone [single, separated, divorced or widowed], or because their relationship has been sapped of vigour. The envy that we [sometimes ashamedly] encounter when we watch our children blossom into the springtime of their lives can be painful and if we do not understand the basis for that envy, it can sometimes get the best of us, prompting us to want to squelch a teen relationship that is either likely to be short-lived anyway, or potentially long-standing.

On the other hand, I have witnessed many parents attempt to re-experience the love that they are missing in their own lives through vicariously tapping into their teen’s love relationship. They may inappropriately support a connection that is imbalanced, and neglect to set the limits that prevent teens from “getting in too deep”.

Of course, it is also not uncommon for parents to be concerned for reasons that may in fact be legitimate, and, at these times, it is important to proceed thoughtfully. As noted above, adopting an overly critical viewpoint often artificially solidifies a puerile relationship, creating a “Romeo and Juliet” situation in which the lovers actually savour their parents’ antipathy to fuel their relational growth, despite how dysfunctional the relationship has become. On the other hand, simply backing off and adopting too much of a laissez-faire attitude can yield problematic outcomes as well, such as an unplanned pregnancy, STDs, and infliction of emotional or physical abuse.

It is normal for adolescents to idealise cherished adults, and for that idealisation to at times radiate a romantic glow

Dealing with their self-esteem issues

One challenge in these situations is that the individuals whom an adolescent surrounds him- or herself with are generally an accurate barometer of his or her self-regard, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship. In other words, the higher a child’s self-esteem, the higher will be the quality of the romantic partner and the more appropriate the relationship between them. So when an adolescent has become entangled in a relationship with someone whom we do not approve of or who is, in one way or another, “bad” for him/her, it is unwise to simply besiege him or her with acid commentaries and scornful criticism, since these will only further corrode his or her self-esteem, which may in turn further solidify the maladaptive bond.

With this in mind, rather than just taking a stand against the relationship, a better tactic is to ask questions that attract the teens’ curiosity regarding why s/he is engaged in this relationship, and what the potential pitfalls of continuing it, or concluding it, might be.

Here are some examples:

• I know that you have said that you are in love with your girlfriend, yet I have to say that the two of you don’t seem very happy when you are together—do you have any sense of why this is?
• Sometimes I wonder if you have outgrown your relationship with your boyfriend, yet you seem hesitant to put it to rest—what are you concerned would happen if you broke up with him? Are you more worried about how he would handle it or how you would handle it?
• Have you ever thought about the difference between someone “loving you” and someone “using you”? What do you think the difference is? When you think about your relationship, do you think it’s like being used or more like being loved?

The reality is that human beings are, in essence, creatures of love

Temporary idolisation or infatuation

Another common tendency on the part of parents is to make the mistake of overreacting to a juvenile crush that is unlikely to endure. In fact, parents who become preoccupied with a temporary relationship will often see this preoccupation backfire, as their adolescent may take great delight in having captured their parents’ attention and unnerved them so thoroughly. Sometimes the crush will be directed towards someone much older—an admired teacher, coach or mentor. Assuming that the beneficiary of the teen’s fawning worship doesn’t exploit this relationship to his/her advantage, such heated veneration does not have to become problematic. It is normal for adolescents to idealise cherished adults, and for that idealisation to at times radiate a romantic glow. In essence, falling in love with a glorified adult is a way for the adolescent to fall more deeply in love with his or her embryonic adult self, a process that in turn generally translates into a more appropriate loving relationship with a peer over time. Subsequently, unless there is evidence that a boundary is being crossed by the adult, I don’t believe it’s either required, or wise, to intervene, as these kinds of passionate obsessions usually fade out over time when left to follow their own, usually limited, course.

Your love life as an example for your child

An often neglected component of helping our adolescent children establish a solid foundation for meaningful love is to provide them with a model in our own lives, so that they enter the province of relatedness with a useful template to build from. It is obviously easier to provide this template if we are engaged in that kind of intimacy ourselves, such as a respectful and enduring marriage. But even if we are separated or divorced or perhaps never found ourselves in a flourishing relationship—we can still provide our children with an understanding of what may have gone wrong.

“Your father has many strengths, but looking back, I can see that I married him because I was lonely, and scared of staying alone, rather than because I really loved him.”

“I did care about your mom, and there were many interests that we had in common, but I did not see her as a life partner. However, I felt too guilty about ending the relationship so I just kind of went along with it, year after year, until I realised that we were never going to be happy together.”

Why adolescence romance is normal

The reality is that human beings are, in essence, creatures of love. From my perspective as a family psychologist who treats individuals from very small children to very old adults, I have come to the conclusion that healthy development ultimately depends on the capacity to pursue and find adult love, and to gradually allow that love to soften and heal the unavoidable pain that remains from our childhood.

Our adolescents’ pioneering efforts to seek out this sustaining and sustainable adult love, clumsy and consuming as these efforts may sometimes be, still deserve to be honoured and respected by their parents. In so many ways, the more we honour and respect these efforts, the more likely that the attachment that they ultimately choreograph and co-create with their eventual partner of choice will carry both of them forward towards lives of significance, depth, wholeness and dignity, lives that are guided and enriched by the infinite possibilities of love.

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Even at a glance, teenagers are in a constant process of change. They are growing both emotionally and physically; they are learning to develop an individual identity; discovering their interests; have more rigorous classes to keep up with in school. To an adolescent, that’s quite a lot of things to go through at once. Recognising that a teenager is experiencing all of the above can be a significant reason for establishing trust in the parent-child relationship.

What is trust?

Simply put, trust is viewed as one’s belief or confidence in another person’s general reliability, dependence or ability to accomplish a task. Even though trust is often seen as one person trusting another, it is always a two-way street. When built, trust is a mutual agreement and when broken, it is a rupture in the relationship. However, no matter how it is established, it can take just one poor decision to undo it. Instead of reacting to the trust-breaking action, parents need to recognise the situation and open new lines of communication to rebuild trust with their teen. Just like trust building is a collaborative process, so is trust repairing.

Even though trust is often seen as one person trusting another, it is always a two-way street

ay and his parents had an agreement that Jay will study hard and get good grades in school. His parents trusted him to manage his time wisely, complete his assignments on time, and study. After one particularly difficult exam, Jay’s parents are notified from the school that he has been caught cheating in class and has been given a failing grade for not only the test, but also the class as a whole. Once his parents hear the news, they are shocked, confused and hurt that their son would ever do something so dishonest. They feel betrayed that Jay broke their trust and wonder whether they had been overly permissive as parents.

A [mindful] plan of action

First of all, remember that when trust is broken, a relationship is damaged but not destroyed. Like most things that are damaged, initiative can be taken to repair and rebuild.

Step 1: Get in touch with your emotions.

After realising that your teen broke your trust, you need to get in touch with your feelings. The best way to be mindful in the moment is to stop and ask yourself questions about your emotional experience. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Give yourself time to bring your emotions into your conscious awareness. You may be feeling angry, ashamed or worried. Allowing for a mindful, non-judgmental noticing of your feelings is the first step to not reacting to whatever your teen did to break your trust. Reacting on your anger without awareness of the feeling can result in parental decisions that further hurt the relationship with your child.

Step 2: Notice your emotional action urge.

In order to continue your stream of mindfulness, bring into awareness what your emotion urges you to do. Ask yourself, “What does this feeling make me want to do?” Getting in touch with this urge is extremely important since the purpose of encouraging your teen to rebuild trust is to not engage in this emotionally-driven impulse.

Allowing for a mindful, non-judgmental noticing of your feelings is the first step to not reacting to whatever your teen did to break your trust

Step 3: Look at initial outcomes.

“What sort of outcome would this emotional urge lead to?” The purpose of this step is to realise that acting on your initial emotional reaction can possibly lead to harmful consequences for you and your teenager. By allowing time to explore these outcomes, you give yourself the ability to brainstorm new ways of approaching the situation.

Step 4: Brainstorm alternatives and collaborative conversations.

Now you can brainstorm new strategies and alternatives. Come up with a plan before you speak to your teen. Firstly, avoid using loaded statements such as, “I’ll never trust you again”. Instead, communicate by listening to your teen’s story. Listening to his/her story may give you a different perspective on why it happened. Find a balance between blaming your teen for his/her mistake and minimising his/her actions. Acknowledge together that your teenager is taking responsibility for his/her actions. Your role, as a parent is to encourage rebuilding by asking your teen what you can do to help. Come up with specific goals that both you and your teen can do to reconcile this breach of trust. This way you collaboratively make amends and allow your teen to feel supported and motivated for the future.

Your role, as a parent is to encourage rebuilding by asking your teen what you can do to help

The role of positive reinforcement

After having your collaborative conversation, encourage and positively reinforce any future rule-following or trust-building behaviour in which your teen engages. Be sure to let him/her know that you are willing to support and reward responsible behaviour.

Jay’s parents are aware that they feel personally hurt and betrayed by Jay’s actions at school. They notice that this hurtful feeling is making them want to act from a perspective of anger since they feel violated from his breach of trust. They blame themselves for possibly being too permissive with him in the past, and they notice the urges to yell, scream and blame him for his dishonesty. By taking the time to recognise their emotions and urges, Jay’s parents realise the possible outcomes of following through with their urges. By yelling at and blaming Jay, they will lower his self-esteem and cause him to possibly distrust or even withdraw from them in return. After brainstorming, Jay’s parents decide to talk to Jay about what happened. Keeping in mind any urges to yell or shout at him, they instead decide to listen to his story. They ask him, “What can we do to help so that this does not have to happen again?” Together, Jay and his parents work collaboratively to set goals, study routines and leisure time so that he is better prepared and less stressed for future exams.

Finally, remember that your teenager will make mistakes. As long as your teen keeps growing, he/she will continue to push your boundaries. From a teenager’s perspective, some of the most transformative experiences in their life are after parental reactions to these violations of trust. Keep in mind that rebuilding trust is not a burden that needs to be placed only on you or only on your child.

This was first published in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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1. Listen to your teenager

The best thing you can give your teenager is your time. Aim for a minimum of 30 minutes of quality time per day. If you cannot give her your attention when she wants it, set aside a time for her later in the day and keep your appointment. When you listen well, you will be more likely to identify illogical thoughts, generalisations and potentially dangerous decisions your teen may be contemplating. Stop your internal chatter and keep your mind completely on her words. By listening to your teenager, you will create opportunities for giving advice and improving your relationship.

2. Praise your teenager often

You have the ability to ‘make or break’ your teenager, simply by how you treat him. When a teenager is praised often, he is more likely to experience high self-esteem, which is a foundation of self-confidence, increased motivation, better decision-making, improved relationships and self-respect. Poor self-esteem often leads to self-criticism, doubt and confusion about one’s abilities and life. By seeking opportunities to praise your teenager, you are actively improving his self-perception. The importance of praising your teenager cannot be overstated.

3. Accept your teenager

Encourage your teenager to be independent by allowing her to make decisions in areas such as sporting interests, hobbies and clothing styles. By allowing her personal freedom, you are increasing her confidence. [Decisions regarding schooling and general safety are best left to parents.] Avoid being the co-dependent parent, who lives ‘through their child’, obsessing about your teen’s obstacles and successes like they were your own. It is not realistic to expect your teenager to always conform to your expectations. She is more likely to succeed in life when she is being herself, following her own path—so encourage her to be autonomous.

By listening to your teenager, you will create opportunities for giving advice and improving your relationship

4. Educate your teenager

Research tells us that the male human’s brain is not fully developed for processing danger until he is approximately 24 years old, so in many ways, you are the voice of reason. Keep talking to your teenager about key areas like drugs, alcohol and sex. Try not to overreact if he comes home from a party where alcohol or drugs were taken. If you ban him from parties forever, he may avoid discussing his concerns with you again. Be calm, and ask him about the drugs or if he consumed alcohol and then educate him on the dangers these substances. One of your primary roles is being the positive influence, so it is vital that your teenager feels comfortable talking with you about anything.

5. Understand your teenager’s world

Teenagers often live with fears and challenges that may be different from your own. They feel great pressure to be accepted by their peers, making them highly susceptible to outside influences, which impacts their decisions and priorities. This focus on friends causes some parents to feel pushed aside. Teenagers are challenged physically and emotionally: their bodies are busy supporting dramatic growth spurts, while their minds are trying to cope with hormone-fuelled moods. To make matters worse, many teenagers are exposed to negativity and trolling on social media and other websites that make them feel helpless and overwhelmed. Add to this the pressure felt by many teenagers to meet their parents’ or teachers’ expectations. To escape, or experiment, some teenagers try drugs or alcohol, further complicating their lives. You can make your teenager’s life easier by getting to know, and understanding, his or her struggles.

One of your primary roles is being the positive influence, so it is vital that your teenager feels comfortable talking with you about anything

6. Don’t alienate your teenager

Your relationship with your teen is the benchmark for all her future relationships, so ensure that this relationship is based on mutual respect. You need to trust her, but this trust must be developed. If your teenager tells you that she is going out, let her know that she needs to call or text you, if plans change. If she does not make contact, consequences need to be enforced. Avoid resorting to unconstructive criticism, name-calling, yelling, swearing, giving the silent treatment, trying to dominate or making irrational threats that you never carry out. Such tactics will only result in drama and unhappiness, and will fuel her rebellious streak. Create an environment for your teenager that includes love, respect, healthy boundaries, and consequences, for their safety, wellbeing and for the benefit of the household.

7. Watch over your teenager

Your teenager may no longer want to socialise with you, and instead may spend hours alone with his cell phone or on the computer in his bedroom. While teenagers need their space, watch out for any abnormal changes. If your teenager avoids any conversation with you, or her sleep patterns or eating habits change, or she seems socially withdrawn, then seek professional help with a counsellor or psychologist. Your child is at a vulnerable age where depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behaviour tend to develop. Educate yourself on the signs of distress and watch over your teenager closely.

If you are feeling left out and frustrated by your teenager, take a step back and consider how fragile teenage years are. Your teenager may feel uncertain about her future, as she tries to discover who she is and what she wants from life. She will benefit greatly from your time, friendship, acceptance, support and love. Your teenager is a soul given to you on loan. Your role is to educate, praise, love, and get to know your teenager’s world. The way you treat her today will impact her future for better or worse.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Parents are confused about this issue because while they feel they will get closer to their teenage kids if they act like friends, they are also concerned they will lose their authority as parents.

Friends can’t be authority figures

I understand parents’ apprehensions. I am also aware that most parents simply want the best for their teens. I must tell you now where I stand on this matter. Parents should NOT be friends with their teens.

Teens tell me regularly that they want their parents to be parents and their friends to be friends. Teens are often embarrassed when parents dress and act like teenagers. They need their parents to be authority figures in their lives and to set limits and rules, which cannot be done by someone who behaves as a friend. It is understandable that parents want to be close to their teens and have their teens open up to them. But a parent does not need to be a friend for this to happen. I have heard of more than one parent who has got drunk with their teenage child in an attempt to create a friendship and grow close. This is unacceptable because the child will get all the wrong messages from the parent.

Teens want their parents to be parents and their friends to be friends

There are even instances of divorced mothers who ask their daughters for dating advice. This puts the teens in an awkward position and results in role reversal. Teens are not mature enough to advise their parents; nor should they be put in this role prematurely. Another thing I repeatedly hear about is parents confiding in their teens about their partner. This too puts the teens in a difficult and untenable position. Parents should discuss adult issues with their own friends; not their kids. Teens do best with parents who are both authority figures and nurturing. They need structure and love. Teens do not do well with excessively permissive or authoritarian parents. They thrive with loving parents who are not afraid to set boundaries and say no to ensure their teens’ safety. And parents must be comfortable tolerating their teens’ anger because this is a volatile age with raging emotions; but I can assure you that they will recover from it fairly quickly.

Getting teens to open up

So, if being friends with your teens is not the way to get close to them you are probably wondering how to get them to talk to you. For this, I am going to share the following secrets:

1. Teens respond best to non-direct requests for information. Instead of asking “How was the party?’ try asking “how was the drive?” This is more oblique and should eventually get them talking about what you really want to know. Teens like to control the rate and pace of information that they give you.
2. Try your best to remain calm while your teen is speaking to you. If you overreact, they will think that you can’t handle things, and I promise that they will stop talking to you.
3. Don’t interrupt teens when they are talking to you. Teens complain to me all the time that their parents cut them short. Your goal is to listen and get the information, right?
4. Be available to your teen. Teens grumble about their parents not being accessible; while parents tell me that they are always there for their kids. The problem is that parents are distracted by their cell phones and other technology, so the teens perceive that the parents are not really present in the moment. Provide opportunities when you can focus exclusively on your teens. Consider taking a walk or a drive with your teens, which will provide ample ways to unwind, both for you and them.
5. Try to not talk negatively about your teens’ friends. When you talk about their friends, they feel that you are talking about them.
6. And finally, do your best to be non-judgemental.

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