Heal Together

There's in each of us a person who can be a catalyst - to help us bond well and "heal"

Couples

The person in our life mirrors our behavioural patterns. No wonder, relating to such a person brings up all our patterns, with a chance for them to be reflected back - so that we can heal.

After the "drug" of early romance wears off, we are left with an option to either "stay-in," or "get-out," of the relationship. While staying in the relationship, when every intimate communication brings up issues, we invariably try to fix the other person instead of seeing our patterns that emerged during the interaction.

All relationships are essentially "spiritual" in nature; they are in our life with the sole purpose to help us heal. So, when the "drug-effect" wears off, and we have understood that our relationship is a spiritual partnership, we would have perceived the larger picture of life for "healing" to happen.

All of us enter into relationships bringing along with us a lot of bag and baggage of our past, including dysfunctionality with our parents. When issues come up, both parties use dispiriting words, with their tongues as sharp as razor, because they are buckling under the burden of their own patterns. These are moments when "awareness" has to be brought in and expanded.

Responsive attentiveness

If there is awareness of the fact that we are relating with each other to heal ourselves of our wounds, and if both parties can see that, there will be no reaction. Once this is achieved, there will be an appropriate response, looking at our patterns that have come up. There will also be gratitude for the relationship in our life that is helping us heal.

More often than not, people are unwilling to be vulnerable, and are living with a pattern that says "Hide your true face from the world, or else you will not be loved and accepted." Obviously, these people have been subject to moralistic upbringing which makes them grow up into repressed adults, sporting a social mask.

It needs to be emphasised that there can be no relationship without vulnerability. Relating must come from the truth about yourself; it is only with this truth that trust comes into any relationship. It is this trust that lays the foundation for any loving relationship.

To be not able to trust the other - i.e., distrust - is the worst enemy in a relationship. And, trust has to be mutual. If any of the parties has betrayed that trust, it is up to him/her to re-build and re-create the trust once again by his/her actions. Also, s/he has to take that responsibility to provide instances to wipe out the memory of betrayal of trust. The other partner, in like manner, if s/he is committed to love, has to remain open and give the benefit of doubt. S/he should have a large heart to forgive, risk vulnerability, and give birth to trust in the relationship, again.

Accept love and truth

In an intimate relationship, like that of a husband and wife, neither should question truth and love.

Trust is the most essential ingredient in any relationship. Trust allows you to be completely vulnerable in the truth of knowing yourself. You are willing to allow your spiritual partner to see you at your worst, or best, as the case may be, with the trust that -

  • S/he can handle it
  • S/he will not ever use it against you
  • You can feel bad and recover
  • You will not be misunderstood
  • Your patterns will be seen as separate from you
  • You will be unconditionally loved forever.

Your partner, on the other hand, will trust that while taking the opportunity to freely express the truth about yourself, in his/her presence, you will -

  • Make a conscious choice by taking responsibility - of seeing your own dysfunctions in all humility
  • Introspect and see your patterns
  • Consciously free yourself from your patterns by understanding their corrupting influence in your present relationship, or transactions
  • Feel grateful for having such a therapeutic relationship in your life helps you heal
  • Communicate this understanding to your partner in truth, love, and trust.

Such a truthful, loving and trusting relationship is what true, loving, marital bond is all about.

Intimate Harmony

Every interaction is an opportunity to heal. Couples who relate to each other in this manner are true soul mates and are, in fact, in a spiritual partnership with each other. Love and gratitude flows in their lives, and when people see such a relationship, they see God.

The great litterateur-philosopher Kahlil Gibran describes this relationship as two islands whose shores are washed by the shared waters of love. These shared waters of love are seen in the sculptures of Shiva-Parvati. A sensitive and perceptive heart will perceive these invisible shared waters of love in the sculptures, and this offers a glimpse of God.

The various sexual positions portrayed in our sculptures are not demonstrating sex for recreation, or procreation, but they demonstrate the vulnerable, truthful, loving, trusting and sharing of intimacy between you two. The different positions portray the fact, that, in such a relationship, you can be your true self at all times, relaxing in the unconditional love of the relationship, and, thus, be healed. The diversity of positions also depicts a host of issues and situations that we may have to encounter in an intimate relationship and/or deep union.

The sculptures of Shiva and Parvati so intimately entwined with each other depict the total openness with which they are relating - with nothing hidden, without mask. They are totally attuned to each other in truth, love and trust. The divine expression, on their faces, depict the healing and completeness that have occurred in them; they are free from their patterns, and eternally grateful to the relationship that has helped them heal. The love, gratitude, and prayerfulness, that are seen in sculptures are beyond compare. They demonstrate the miracle of intimate relating; they are there for us to learn.

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Minnu Bhonsle
Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, is a Mumbai-based consulting psychotherapist and counsellor. She conducts training programmes in Personal Counselling [Client-centred Therapy] and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, and also workshops in Stress Management, Art of Listening, Couple Therapy, and Communication Skills. Minnu has co-authored the book, The Ultimate Sex Education Guide along with Dr Rajan Bhonsle.
Rajan Bhonsle
Rajan Bhonsle, MD, is a consultant in sexual medicine and counsellor. Along with his wife Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, who is a consulting psychotherapist and counsellor, he runs a unique therapy centre

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