Express your sexual needs: Take the lead

Learn to be a peppy, not a passive sexual partner to get the most out of your relationship and feel fulfilled

couple hugging each otherWoman, I’m sure would agree that you don’t have it easy. by and large, families still believe in ingraining a measure of ‘restraint’ in their girls. No wonder then a miniscule section of us grow up rebellious, quick to flaunt our sexual quotient. However, most of us who were brought up to fit into goody groove struggle to express our sexuality. Undoubtedly, it’s hard to express yourself when you don’t feel comfortable.

Be creative

Men are naturally more lively and imaginative where sex is concerned, and are drawn to women who are likewise. So, when we are in a relationship, the pressure mounts on us to express our sexuality. This means feeling confident to take the lead in our physical relationship, or initiating sex when we desire it, or knowing exactly what we want from it.

This may sound ‘too bold’ to many. But if you think of it, isn’t sexual energy all about creativity? Expressing sexuality is all about displaying a valuable and hidden part of your personality.

If you feel unable to express your sexuality, or hold yourself back out of fear, you’re effectively putting a ‘spanner in the wheels’—in enjoying an important part of your physical needs.

To add to that, if you do not express yourself and your desires, how will your man know what is going on in your mind before, during and after sex? He is not a mind-reader, after all! Nor as we know do men think like women. Since every woman has a different set of values and expectations from intimacy, he cannot resort to using a manual to know what you want from sex. So, given that a fulfilling sexual relationship is not created by default, it becomes all the more important for you to communicate with your partner.

Express your needs

Of course, the best way to effectively communicate is to know what your physical desires are. So, make an effort to learn more about your sexual desires. What pleases you? What moves make your body feel uncomfortable? Not only will this awareness accentuate you being an active sexual partner, but will help you to be comfortable with your body. Your being at ease with your inner feelings and sensations of your body helps you physically connect with your partner and experience sexual pleasure.

Expressing your sexuality is by no means restricted to just sharing your likes, but also telling him what you don’t like. Most importantly, if a certain movement causes discomfort, don’t force yourself to go on. You will feel ill at ease. And every time your partner uses the same move, you will find your self withdrawing or numbing out during sex. Needless to say, you will stop enjoying sex, and your partner will sense your withdrawal and misunderstand it. He may take the withdrawal as a sign of your using sex as a weapon against him. Also don’t be too eager to please.

Give feedback

Talking is, of course, the most obvious form of communication. But in this respect too, we differ from men. Men don’t take hints, nor do they understand round about sentences. According to experts most men use report speaking style, while women tend to use rapport speaking. Report speaking is delivering information, often point-wise as if reading out from a list. Rapport speaking is about a meaningful conversation about the relationship, even if it includes sharing vague thoughts and ideas. The bottom line is that if you are sharing your needs verbally; tell your man exactly what you want. Eye contact and sounds [obviously expressed during sex] are other ways to communicate. Help him by giving him feedback when he gets it right, or worse, when he doesn’t. If you’re not comfortable talking in the bedroom, choose another location, perhaps during a walk or over a cup of coffee, to share your intimate thoughts.

Respect each other

Let’s face it—for us [read women], sex is never only about physical desire. We need to feel an emotional connection prior to having sex, because we need to feel completely secure with our partners. If you desire a healthy sex life your relationship must be based on mutual acceptance, compassion, patience and respect for each other. If you find it hard to accept any aspect of sex, then your partner should let you take your time to feel ready for it. This may imply going slow with sex and more than a fair measure of mutual respect.

Also, desist from the blame game, or criticism even if you feel dissatisfied. Remember—the idea is to communicate honestly, and work through the obstacles you face, not find fault. So check your relationship for its ‘values’ and work towards practicing these as the best way to inspire your partner to do likewise.

Accept the changes

The only constant in our lives is change. Given this reality, accept that your sexual needs are bound to change over time and at different stages of your life. Much married women who face menopause, for example, will have different concerns than women who are just married or are pregnant. Just as you experience other aspects of your relationship transform with time, so will your desire for sex. It may grow or become less intense or important to your relationship.

Feel free to converse about these changes with your partner. It is normal to face a stalemate in your sexual relationship especially with a hectic daily routine; preoccupation with your career which takes you home completely exhausted every evening to more chores. Infuse energy and liveliness in your sex life with visual sexual stimuli in the form of books, movies or clothes.

Share your fantasies

A new location, timing or lighting in your bedroom may also stimulate your senses. Sharing your sexual fantasies may open up new avenues too. Men love women who are assertive about what they want in bed. It’s important for you to accept that it is healthy for you to express your passion, fantasies and desires. Rest assured your man will like it.

Fact is—the more you explore and innovate, the more you will discover each other. Intimacy is not something that should be done to you; it is a two-way lane. So don’t omit doing your bit to enrich your sex life.

Facing a slump in your sex life?

couple spending time together

  • You may unconsciously react to unresolved past experiences or emotional baggage. If the issue is deep-rooted, you may need to talk to a therapist to solve it. Sometimes sharing your apprehensions with a friend or an elderly family relative you feel free with could help you rid your mind of the issue.
  • There may be areas in your relationship, apart from sex, that you need to work on to enhance your emotional connection and comfort level with your partner. Accept that sex is only one of the ways to bond with your partner. It should never be ‘just’ the beginning and end of your relationship. So spend time together doing fun things. Join a hobby class together or go dancing. In short, connect outside your bedroom too.
  • You may be spending too much time together—surprise, surprise, this dampens the passion. They say ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. Don’t become too dependent on your partner. Men don’t like clingy women. Besides, such behaviour indicates a lack of confidence which later shows up as hesitation in sexual expression.
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  • CHARU Bahri

    CHARU Bahri

    Charu Bahri, a trained cost-accountant and computer programmer, is a freelance writer. Well travelled and versatile, she has authored two books, Sexual Dualism to Spiritual Oneness and Aligning the Economic Cycle with the Time Cycle. Bahri lives in Mount Abu.

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2 Responses to Express your sexual needs: Take the lead

  1. Sex has become an industry,we have made this world into a brothel. Just look at how we dress,nothing is left to the imagination. The female figure is used as bait to sell cars,holidays and what have you.
    Sex is not just a physiological phenominon it is the well deserved,beautiful and deeply satisfying result of a successful relationship.This is arrived at by self improvement.We can only satisfy our partners when we have all the qualities that express love eg.Respect,appriciation,consideration,co operation,trust etc.
    Love has become adultrated and now convulated into lust. Lust means to use someone’s body to satisfy my own selfish pleasure.Lust means to take,demand or expect as a right.Love means to give unconditionaly and unselfishly.The outcome is natural,unreharsed bliss.
    Our education needs to convey the understanding that I need to be free of desires. I cannot satisfy others if I am unable to control my physical organs and am subject to black mail because of my addiction to sex lust,alchol,anger,ego or attachment. I need to be God like to enjoy long lasting relationship.There is no quick fix.The rest is all chicken feed.

  2. excellent article

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